rita's wedding

so so... i attended the wedding of rita, my dear friend from waaaaaay back. she got married to keita, a japanese journalist, and all time nice guy... wah... he is so soft spoken it puts me to shame to speak loudly in front of him. but he is nice. and according to rita, he loves all her friends. hahaha. so much so that he would be at peace with leaving her in our able hands when she's giving birth. the gall!

rita asked that i assist her sister in the running of the day's events. haha. i damned well did my work ok? hur hur... but i was glad to be able to be a part of her celebrations. so to sum it up, here are some peektures. enjoyer!

rita's husband to be - keita ikeda (awaiting the solemnisation)

the qadi (registrar) going through the necessary documents before beginning the solemnisation

the bride and groom during the sanding session - dun they look cute??

taufiq was melur's partner for the day... now THEY look cute together... haha.

feeding each other the cake - their cake is a 4 tier creation, made of little brownies. nice.

azhar nor lesta sang us a few songs...

elfee ismail, son of local legend R. ismail sang a few songs (superb voice)...

in the spirit of the union between japan and singapore, we stuffed our faces with sushi.

...and typically took a japanese kawaii shot. me, keita, taufiq, rita, natalie, natasha.


the proud family, with new additions.

officially the last days of school

yups. me having exams now.
the FINAL exams for nyp.

school's finally going to be out.
and working life is beginning.

but i soooooooooo wanna continue studying. haha.
applied to la trobe, and will apply to uni south aussie.
both offer good programmes for degree conversion.

that means i will be away from country for 1 year.
hmm, other set of problems then.

haha.

more updates to come!

sydney attachment

did not think that it was so troublesome when planning for the attachments.
because, damn it, they expect us to go and do everything ourselves.

flight tickets, accommodations, insurance, visas, immunisations, the works.
all to be settled by ourselves.

its super stressful, especially now that you're so close to it already... because many things are not settled. at times i even wonder if its worth all the money and trouble that i am going through.

at least $4000, and time spent running around making the arrangements during FYP and exams. utterly stressful.

i guess its all part of the experience.

i am nervous as shit.

tentatively, i will leave on the 27th of March, and come back on the 12th of May.
this is of course for those who care.
any more updates, i will just post it up again.

touched

sometimes its difficult to be a person with high EQ that you are...
trying to please everyone... and fear of feeling guilty all the time...
But that shudn't be the case for me... coz forgiveness is always there when it comes to you...

yesterday you told me this. and i could not help but laugh and cry at the same time.

because, very few people make the effort to try to see where i am coming from.
even lesser finally come to this conclusion.
and only one or two have ever dared to tell me this face up.
and for these people, i am most grateful that He has gifted me with them.

i know its me being emo again.
but you know i love you.
and this is why i will love you more.

penat

kadang-kadang nak jaga hati orang penat. tapi nizar rasa nak jaga hati diri sendiri lagi penat. lebih-lebih lagi kalau hati sendiri penuh karenah... boleh lagi penat kalau nak layankan karenah diri sendiri. sebab layankan karenah, ikutkan hati sangat, marah ker, benci ker, tersinggung ker, nanti akibatnya orang lain juga yang terluka. lepas dah sakitkan hati orang lain, kan terpaksa nak ubat. ye lah, kata diri sendiri yang dah buat salah. jadi kalau dah sadar diri buat salah, cubalah betulkan. jadi nak betulkan tu banyak cara, mintak maaf, pujuk, berbaik-baik. tapi bila hati orang lain dah lali kat karenah kita, sebab dah berpuluh-puluh kali disakiti, kadang-kadang mintak maaf ker, pujuk ker, semua tak jalan. kadang-kadang, lebih orang tu kita sayang, lebih sakit dia kena, lepas tu lebih banyak kita kena betulkan. haiz, tapi setiap orang tu ada hadnya. kalau dah terlepas had, memang susah nak betulkan dengan sempurna.

nizar pon ada had nizar. tapi seberapa banyak nizar boleh, kalau nizar sakitkan hati orang, nizar cuba berbaik-baik semula. sebab nizar tahu pada asalnya, nizar sayang. tapi ada jugak masanya, nizar pon akan tersinggung. tapi orang selalu kata nizar ni sensitif, sikit-sikit merajuk. ok la, nizar terima. tapi sedihnya, orang tak nampak, parut yang orang kasi belum betul-betul baik. senang-senang orang ingat, semuanya dah seperti asal. tapi apa nizar nak buat, takkan nak kata nizar masih marah kalau orang lain dah tak kisahkan lagi?

jadi, kadang-kadang nizar pon malas nak layankan karenah diri sendiri la. sebabnya, kadang-kadang orang lain pon tak paham sangat apa yang nizar rasakan. bila nizar dah mintak maaf, pon tak dilayankan sangat. takpa, sekurang-kurangnya, orang tahu nizar dah mintak maaf.

tapi sedih jugak dibuatnya, apabila orang tak erti sakit hati yang dialami.

anyways, i already apologised and made attempts to reconcile twice. but it seemed as if you don't really care anymore. i just hope it does not turn out the way the dream did. we will somehow meet this sunday at the wedding. it will be awkward for sure, but it will still be done. if you don't want to reconcile, it is fine by me, although it will be painful. i can sort of understand why you would act that way, and i will try to understand. but i hope that at least we can be cordial. i know i will try to. my only question will be, why did things have to come to this end?

fikiran

semalaman ku renungkan
keadaanku yang berduka
yang hiba tanpa ku erti mengapa

dan dalam lamunan
ku teringat para kekasihNya
dan keadaan mereka bercinta
sesama mereka, dan bersamaNya

sesungguhnya Dia tidak perlu pada kasih mereka
sesungguhnya Dia tidak mendamba cinta buta
sesungguhnya Dia hanya ingin pengabdian hamba

namun,
para kekasih terus bercinta
para kekasih masih berusaha
mengejar pandangan kasih Sang Pencinta
yang sekilas lalu mampu membawa manis tak terhingga

dalam gembira, Sang Pencinta
dalam duka, Sang Pencinta
dalam marah, Sang Pencinta
dalam asmara, Sang Pencinta
dalam kaya, Sang Pencinta
dalam hina, Sang Pencinta

setiap detik saat yang berlalu
para kekasih tetap bertuju
sehati sehalu
pada haqiqat Hu.

dan ku tetap dalam lamunan insaniyah ku

sesungguhnya
dalam ku bersahabat dan berkerabat
dalam ku menjalin jalinan terikat
mungkin itu yang ku cari secara tersirat
mungkin itu yang ku harap menjadi haqiqat

cinta yang mengenangku walau sejenak masa
tak kira di waktu bersama atau jauh di mata
cinta yang menghargaiku setiap ketika
tak kira sama ada ku patut menerima
cinta yang wujud dan ku peka kewujudannya

tapi ku akur harapanku mungkin lamunan semata
ku akur harapanku mungkin mainan hati yang hiba
ku terima haqiqat yang tak mungkin menjadi nyata

masakan cintaku sama cinta mereka;
masakan cintaku bermakna pada mereka;
masakan cintaku sedarjat cinta Awliya;
masakan cintaku patut dianggap berharga?

ku hanya mampu mencinta, dan mendamba dicinta kembali.

remember - josh groban

Remember,

I will still be here

As long as you hold me, in your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended

Time can be transcended

Just remember me

I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly,

It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun

I'm with you

Whenever you tell my story

For I am all I've done

Remember,

I will still be here

As long as you hold me in your memory

Remember me

I am the one voice in the cold wind that whispers

And if you listen, you'll hear me call across the sky

As long as I still can reach out, and touch you

Then I will never die

Remember,

I'll never leave you

If you will only

Remember me

Remember me...

Remember,

I will still be here

As long as you hold me

In your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended

Time can be transcended

I live forever

Remember me

Remember me

Remember me...

reaping what you sow

excerpt from Uan's blog

If you plant honesty, you will reap trust
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness
If you plant perseverance, you will reap victory
If you plant consideration, you will reap harmony
If you plant hard work, you will reap success
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation
If you plant openness, you will reap intimacy
If you plant patience, you will reap improvements
If you plant faith, you will reap miracles

But...

If you plant dishonesty, you will reap distrust
If you plant selfishness, you will reap loneliness
If you plant pride, you will reap destruction
If you plant envy, you will reap trouble
If you plant laziness, you will reap stagnation
If you plant bitterness, you will reap isolation
If you plant greed, you will reap loss
If you plant gossip, you will reap enemies
If you plant worries, you will reap wrinkles
If you plant sin, you will reap guilt

that phase again

last night i could not sleep.

i found myself staring at the ceiling of my room, wide awake, and no indication of falling under the sandman's spell.

and i found myself so intensely brooding about the things i dreamt in the afternoon, that i was consciously becoming depressed. how can you consciously become depressed? well, you just do.

but anyways, this was one dream which i could not put out of my head.

the silence between us had dragged on too long. then we met at an event, which both of us had to attend, and we knew it was unavoidable. i spoke first, but ur demeanour had changed totally. you were not the nonchalant person you were before, the one who just let everything flow under the proverbial bridge. you had somehow let this thing set in, and it was something that you felt very strongly about and you were not willing to let it pass. and although i behaved like it did not matter to me, that i still did not regret what i said because of what you did, it occured to me that the damage i inflicted this time round, was far more insipidous than those i had before. and it showed, in your manner. and i knew that i had lost you.

this was my unconscious playing out. i had often called for you to be less apathetic. but in this dream, when you were not apathetic, i could not take it. and i was affected by the profundity of this dream. just says what a conflicting person i am.

at a recent event, someone remarked on my mannerisms, something i did not expect to come from him. i was asked if something was disturbing me. i read the slightest bit of sarcasm and mockery in his tone. but when i asked him what he meant and intended when he asked me those questions, he said that he meant nothing. but i am sure something deep down must have provoked his questions. i don't know what, but i fear to know it.

my busy schedule in school has kept me away from some friends. some for quite a while. but i have grown comfortable with the distance, and i have grown comfortable with the lack of concern. i have been said to be someone who is needy and dependent on my friends, and indeed i agree that i am needy and dependent. but the dependence came about because i felt needed first, and it just became a reciprocity for me. the frequentness of contact allowed me to nurture my affections. but the affections may be fallacious, and all too one-sided. and it is now that i begin to realise, that maybe those i love, don't love me quite as much.

i thought i knew people, and i thought that people knew me too. but maybe i have been thinking that i know, too much for my own good. because at the end of the day, i don't know what people think of me, and the way i am. maybe i read the wrong signals from people, and maybe people read the wrong things from me. i don't know if people see me with kind eyes, or with cursing eyes. i don't know if the level of comfort i have with them, echo the level of comfort they have with me. i don't know if all that i have is but a farce, and that everyone is just acting around me.

i don't think that i am speaking only out of depression.

but at least i know i speak from my heart.

don't say that i am sensitive. i am just more aware than many people can be.

one path closed.

the peeps at MOE decided that I was not suitable for the post of a special needs officer.
i just received the rejection letter today.

although i am sad that it wasn't me who got the chance to reject them, in some ways, i am rather thankful that this path has been closed to me. One of my supervisors commented that the path was not a suitable path for me, and that i should be looking ahead at bigger things. i guess the way i presented myself at the interview, was not what they were looking for in an SNO.

and i know i prayed to be shown a path which i would not regret and a path which would bring me to benefit others the most. maybe this is the answer to the prayers i made.

to those who had wished i was successful, thank you for the well-wishes. i appreciate it.
to those who had hoped i got the job, thank you for hoping, but sorry to disappoint.

there is always something out there that i do not know, that i cannot see.
may the closure of this path lead me to something which is better. Amin.

glad we put it behind us.

hey,

i am glad you did not choose to just disappear after what had happened, and after i wrote what i did. and i am glad you had the courage to speak to me and to apologise. i am happy that you decided that it was not worth keeping away just because of what happened. i appreciate that you appreciate our friendship enough to carry on.

thank you.

week 9

which is this week.
is a mad school week.
because we had our life assignment to hand in on monday.
and a literature review to hand in on monday.
then we had like a presentation to present on wednesday.
and of course all along with FYP and what nots.

but the saving graces were, the last presentation, we scored full marks. haha.
full marks for the amount of work we put in... so worth it la.

and then had some spiritual fulfilment too at a class i attended with a teacher whom many said looks like me. i went to see, and yes, we look the same, even the words we use are the same... haha. and the lesson taught was enlightening.

so good week.

alteRisk

the name of the camp i helped out in last week... but of course haven't updated yet.
innovative name, by the ways... and innovative running of the camp too!

it was a two day one night camp... and what a mad rush it was...
damn shagged by the time it was over...

started off on saturday morning with dragon boating... and swimming in the sludgy singapore river... then while the kids went back to the mosque, me, uan, mud, nas and abu lepakked to eat and bath at hajjah fatimah and beach road... then when we went back to the mosque, kids were doing up their t-shirts... then there was a talk by hafiedzul and omar... and then the night jaunt commenced at 11 plus and ended at 3 plus in the morning... hahaha... madness... no sleep at all... and everyone was just living off the other person's energy... i personally stayed awake and tried to do some reading... which was another mad thing to do... because i was just failing miserably... although awake, my brains were sooooooooooo asleep...

aiyah... but that's not the story la. i enjoyed myself. met so many new people who were mad to be with, and still could spend time with those i love. hur hur.

yeah camps are nice.

its only words...

and yet sometimes they inflict the most pain.

i met up with the secondary school guys that day, as one of them wanted to go for supper.
so all was fine, until i met one of them whom i respected and used to show it. but that day, seeing the crowd, i did not do what i usually did. and to my surprise, he actually asked why i did not do it. and i got blardy turned off by that remark.

my response in my heart was:
i give of my own free will. don't demand it because you think you deserve it. and don't insult me like that because it just makes me not want to do it anymore.

and of course, he had no clue why i was unresponsive to him all that night.

and then when we were boarding the van, as i was preparing to enter the back compartment in which there were two of them inside, one of them said that i was being an extra coming into the back. i had enough of buggers not thinking before they let their filthy mouths loose. i should have just slammed the door shut and walked myself home. of course later he messaged to say he did not mean it, but the damage is done isn't it?

twice in a night. by two different people.
and another before that.
are we becoming a group that has no respect for another person's feelings?

but hell, i am not in any way exempt from this.
i apparently offended one of those i love like this.
i am sorry.

its only words... but these words can sting. and sometimes they cut real deep.
and while sometimes sorry is the only thing you can say, it just isn't enough is it?

an assignment to find out who i am

it sucks being year 3.
because you got this hellish assignment to do.
its a lot on self-discovery.
and sometimes you are forced to hear the things you don't want to hear.
but you have to anyways.

this post is by no means a complaint against those who have so been forced to think about my weaknesses for me. thank you for your honesty, and i am honoured to have you as people who would tell me the truth for my own sake.

so here goes.

weaknesses:

Low tolerance for things I do not like
Suka merajuk (fretty and likes to sulk)
Fat
Non-confrontational
Extrovert (too extroverted leading to the next)
Loud
Emo
Clingy/ Needy
Procrastinator
Demanding

haha, now that i have listed them, i want to faintz again.
haha.

aiyah, everything got a reason one.
but its ok, because that is how people see me.
and i accept.

forgiveness

Forgive, forgive.

The greatest and most noble ability in this world is to be able to forgive.
Forgiveness sets aside the hate and malice and irrationality that poison the mind.
Forgiveness opens the door to peace and serenity which permeate and cleanse the soul.
Forgiveness raises one from the gallows of despair, and brings one to the sanctuary of true repose.

I should learn to forgive, and move on.
Even if I wish to be noticed and given due attention.
Even if I wish to be loved and given affection.

subtitles

Such a perfect evening, blowing candles in the park,

A boy sits by unremembered rocks, beside a girl in red,

They watch the birds and dancing waters,

Silent romance ghosting the night,

Silent smiles under the faded light.

When their lips touch, they drift into a dream,

To Dali's world, of eleven hybrid roses and lilies,

Where the clouds float above the trees,

Where leaves dip in humility, and roads are curved in red,

And the rain - subtitles beyond what's said.

And time - the immemorial gift,

Plays on the grand piano,

Jazz and ballads serenades the air around the girl in red,

For poems are his subtitles to what's not said

Muslim

on friendship

i quote the following excerpt from the blog of a friend who has humbled me with the simplicity of his words, but the depth of his thoughts.

"Encountering a good friend can be quite difficult in the contemporary lives of us teenagers. We experience an immense amount of worries and problems throughout the day; that being a good friend is one of our last priorities.

I, myself, was once baffled by what the definition of a "good" friend was, until I discovered a single step that if taken would make you the greatest friend there is.

Willingness.

That is all it takes in order to be considered a good friend. If we lack will, there is a diminutive chance of us being able to be a good friend. Willingness must come from within.

Listening is the most essential part of a friendship, we must be willing to stay for long hours listening to what our friends have to say, even if it's not the most exciting thing in the world to hear. Listening to our friend makes them feel important, special, wanted. It also allows them to exhale their problems and worries, and not keep them all bottled up. Although listening makes up most of what a good friend is there are also other things that form a good friend.

The will to sacrifice for our friend will also take us a step closer to being a good friend.For instance, you planned your entire night, but as you're about to leave to enjoy your Saturday night with your boyfriend/girlfriend, your best friend calls you right when you're stepping out, hysterical because something bad had occurred in their life. You must be willing to sacrifice your Saturday night you had so carefully planned out and go to your friend's house and converse with them about the situation and try to console them in any way that you can. Doing this demonstrates that we are willing to be there for him/her in their time of need and sacrifice whatever we had planned. We must always be willing to give advice to our friend. For example say your friend is in a situation where they do not know what to do, and so they turn to you for help; you must be willing to think things through with them and try to give them the best advice.

I once experienced something similar to this; I had turned to a friend for advice because I had failed my end of year examination and did not know whether I should notify my parents or not. My "good" friend, instead of trying to help me out and console me, said, "Don't show it to your parents, that's just stupid."

After I took my friend's "great" advice I realized that his advice was the worst to take. My parents received a call from my teacher telling them about the grades I had got, they were extremely unhappy and said if I had told them they would have been a little more understandable. I became aware that the "advice" he had given me was not by a good friend. He was not willing to stay and try to help me out with my problem; he'd rather go out and not have to listen to what I had to say. This is when I discovered the one single step to be a good friend.

The willingness to care is also a big must in being a good friend. If we don't care for our friend then our friend won't care for us and the whole point of we trying to be a good friend will diminish. We must care about how our friend feels and what they are experiencing. Caring is one of the best things we can do, because when our friend is in they're time of need and the whole world seems to be turned against them, we must be the one to care and make them see that it's not over yet. Nobody ever said being a good friend was going to be easy, but if we want to be a good friend then we're willing to listen, sacrifice, give advice and care for our friend, these skills will come in real handy if we really want to be a good friend. In the long run this skills will not only help us to be a good friend but also to be good to ourselves and to others.

In the end practicing this skill will all pay off, and we'll be glad we were willing."

z3oNx, 2007

karya

Bagaimana harusku mulakan rintihan batinku ini
Yang kian lama kupendam dilubuk hati
Yang demi masa tidak berubah isi
Yang akan hanya merobek naluri
Bagaimana...

Kepada siapa dapat ku curahkan isi hati
Yang hanya membuak, melonjak tanpa henti
Yang bergerak, caranya tidak ku erti
Yang bersorak, kemudian diam menyepi
Kepada siapa...

Untuk apa ku berdiri di sini
Yang ku nanti, telah pun kembali dan pergi
Yang ku kenangi, tidak lagi mengingati
Yang ku sayangi, telah hilang rindunya bagaikan mimpi
Untuk apa...

Aku bak awan
Yang hanya mampu mengikut tiupan sang udara
Yang hilang tanpa sesiapa sedar
Yang tangisan gerimis petang hanya seketika

Aku insan kerdil tak bermakna, tiada erti pada sesiapa...

tuesdays with morrie

this was a movie i saw in school as part of a self-discovery lesson.

the movie depicted 2 men, Morrie the teacher and Mitch the ex-student, who reunited after twenty years of separation, under very strange circumstances. Morrie was already in his 70s, and he was suffering from a disease called amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, which left him on a straight and sure path to death. Morrie, as a prolific sociology lecturer, was interviewed on tv, and that was when Mitch remembered an old promise to stay in touch. Hence in fulfilment of that promise, Mitch made his way down to see Morrie. That was the start of the reunion that was to change the way Mitch viewed his own life. Morrie challenged Mitch's take on many things, and together with Mitch, Morrie proceeded to write their last thesis on life together, documenting his final days and his thoughts on them.

What struck me in this movie was the philosophy that Morrie had, which strangely resonated with my own. He was not afraid to cry, because tears are only natural and they show that you feel. He was not afraid to express his emotions because he knew that there would be times when you will not be able to say what you feel anymore. He was not afraid to hold and embrace those he loved, for that was how he wanted to say goodbye all the time, wanting to be able to have contact one last time. He made every moment count, just in case.

i cried at this show many many times. Not just because it was sad to see him go. But rather, somewhere somehow i hoped that people would be able to understand me from that perspective too. Because no one does now.

Some quotes from the show before i end off.

"We must love one another or die."

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in."

"When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."

"Death ends a life, not a relationship."

"Without love, we are birds with broken wings."

"Love wins. Love always wins."

"Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone."

feeling unloved, and unappreciated

you(1) said lets not be awkward, and lets remain friends. but despite what you yourself said, you have elected for the easy way out, and blocked me. that's a very nice gesture, if i may say. i am ok with remaining as friends, but your very act has offended me very deeply. is it that scary to talk to me? is it that bad? i don't know. after all, it was not me that blocked you. unfortunately for us, i had to find out.

you(2) were supposed to have matured since the last time. you have gotten yourself a companion. for that i was very happy. after all, you were happy. but that day when you spoke those words, as if i was unworthy, as if i should not meet your companion, as if i would only be a bother and an extra burden, as if your relationship with your companion would be at risk somehow if i sat in the same vehicle with the two of you. you threw away 11 years of friendship and you threw away my heart. unfortunately for us, i became angry.

you(3) were the one i have dedicated so much of myself to. i thought you could understand my needs and my feelings. for i treated you with so much love and respect. but that night when you demeaned a practice which i reserved for those i truly cared for, i felt cheated. it was like you had never really wanted what i gave. and that it did not mean anything much to you, if anything at all.

you (1), (2) and (3) have somewhat discarded me.
its painful.

but i shall learn to live with it.
because i don't want to continue lying to myself.

Australia

my trip to aussieland should be confirmed.
i have a million and one things to do before i can go.
visa, insurance, accomodations, readings, air tickets, financial assistance...

its a hell.

but i gotta persevere. i asked for it anyways.
the price of wanting to be excellent.

shucks. schmucks.

my class

in all my posts i havent shown a picture of my class yet... here are some recent peektures of them in various things that we have had to get ourselves into this year.

the ribena girls

wait until sleep liao.

bizlink visit.

hua beng's model class.

reduced energy class.

fyp progress

erm, this is not as much an update on fyp progress, than it is a photo montage of what we have taken so far... haha.. enjoy!

suet: i want to kill myself! jess: go ahead, see if i care. peixin: stay cool like me. suet: ok lor.

Hua Beng in a discussion with us... and doing some work for us. lucky us.

wanrudoesnotlikesuetmingbutloveshuabengjustkidding.

Hua Beng feeds us, the wonderful man. and each time, there is just enough for us.

but we do work hard...

...and play hard as well (when we think people not looking)!

nura's concert

she had a concert at the esplanade. ok la not a concert but more of like a showcase kinda thing.

the place was sweet, the people were sweet, the music was sweet. what else can i ask for?

pics speak louder than words.

the set-up. simple and clean.

swayed by the music.

les musiciens: nura on vocals, jonathan on keyboard, isa on guitar

the sweet people who came: nura's colleagues, azmi and yanni, ratna and iman, tau, mel, ilham

a's birthday

dalam kegilaan nak menyambut hari lahir seseorang insan yang disayangi...
sanggup si tiga meronda dari hulu ke hilir singapura bila dah nak dekat pagi...

ada gambar gambar tak leh di letak... sebab takut menyinggung yang disambuti...
kerana yang tidak disangka menjadi...
haha...

alhamdulillah, sahabat sejati ditemui...
bahagia tak terperi.
happy happy.

betapa aku ingini pertemuan tiada henti.

bawah ni... gambar yang diizini... hehe...

nak hujan, angin tiup kuat, nanti candle tak leh nyala, nak buat lawak. abu... always something up his sleeve.

kek coklat.

cina and thai gathering... nasib takda police. illegal gathering sey.

yang disambut. haha.

OT Day Dinner

went for this dinner on Friday 19th Jan so that the students could be well represented. chunyi drove the lot of us there...

haha... and quite well-represented we were, given that we took 2 whole tables, out of a possible 12 (i am guessing this number) but hell, we were quite the crowd there.

i take the dinner as quite an important net-working event for us occupational therapists. given that we are a young profession, it is always good to keep our links with each other and to seek support from the group. for me, it is more of a reassurance and confidence-building thing, and to motivate me to achieve as how those who have made it have managed to. whatever "it" may be. haha.

the GOH was the first local male OT in singapore, mr ho meng jang, and at the dinner, we also commemorated the first local publication on OT. and while the food for me was not fabulous (they served different dishes for the halal peeps, and in significantly diminished proportions), at least i managed to get a free book! haha. worth my $15 la.

mr ho meng jang cutting the commemorative cake, with the cover of the book as a design.

group photo with prominent OTs: mrs siva, mr ho, mrs rosalind tan.

group photo with lecturers: hua beng, hwei lan, cheng mun

return to debates

although i did say that i would like to step down from debates after the tournament was over to concentrate on the final leg of my studies, by some emotional bond, i may be debating in another tournament before i end... and this i do for those who have made it worth my while. although it will be tough trying to juggle fyp and school projects and debates (my meetings are almost daily, lasting up to the wee hours of 9pm onwards), i promise to try my bestest best to attend when i can.

its funny how things end up, i say.

on another note, joey was so sweet to give each of us a postcard from vancouver, recounting his days there... our postcards run in a sequence, and each one of us got a day's worth of memories. talk about a coach that cares deeply.

sigh.

update update!

ho ho... long overdue posts... coming one by one

1) return to debates
2) OT Day dinner
3) a's birthday
4) nura's concert
5) FYP progress
6) Australia
7) feeling unloved, and unappreciated

here goes.

a day of madness

which began on friday night, when i went out with my peeps from CADC... the master joey treated us to a carcinogenic meal at seoul garden, where we stuffed our faces full of artery-clogging mish-mash. which was delicious. haha. then there were all the photo-taking, where the portrait of gayness (picture to be uploaded soon) escalated into the rape of the master. joey was utterly disoriented by the time we were done, so much so that he could not even button his shirt up properly... the poor man.

from left: edwin, alex, joey, sha and zul

from left: halim, fara, cheryl, sharon, terrence

joey's gift. blue polo T. i still dun get the gift.

terrence's gift. red polo T. i also dun get it.

dunno what joey keeps looking at under the table... or is it his tummy?

random pics of everyone

i then rushed to meet taufiq to buy the ring he wanted, and then we went to watch this show called babel, with azfar. babel is a brilliantly depressing show. don't get me wrong. it is a good show... but the scenes inside are just so profoundly sad, that i was tearing like a babe throughout. i don't think the scenes would affect the general public that much, but it was just such a heightened sense of empathy that i felt, the instances of humanity which were exploited beyond words, that just ripped my head apart. damn good show, damn sad.

which ended at 2 plus in the a.m. of saturday.

and i had to wake up at 6 to help out for a flag day, meaning i had about 3 hours to sleep by the time i reached home from the movie. and that was all the sleep i had, because when i woke up, i realised that my SNO application had not been sent, so i was rushing for that time as well. because i needed some info from some people, which came later than i expected. urgh.

then at the flag day, it was just work work work... rest was intermittent and discontinuous. but it was good work. haha. sweated like a pig. then went to break fast with Uan, Abu and Adri. these people are good company too. hur hur.

Uan, Abu, Adri - orang-orang giler.

then went for tea-nner with taufiq, nura, melissa, ilham and matin at essential brew, where apparently, i was too high from the lack of sleep to even be coherent or socially appropriate. haha. drinking myself to drunkedness. see the photos below for the full story.

the essential brew goers - ilham, matin, taufiq, melissa, nura

me drinking myself to the high heavens... things really got fuzzy after a while...

and i decided enough was enough. home.

i reached home, at 11pm saturday, with my eyes half-open, and my heart fully satisfied.

i love these mad-rush days. makes my life feel worthwhile.

numerology

150

numbers have always played an important part in life.
time is represented in numbers.
age is represented in numbers.
results are represented in numbers.
ranks are represented in numbers.

between the numbers at the top and bottom of the post, my life lies.

i am scared.

100

nelly furtado - all good things must come to an end

Honestly what will become of me
I don't like reality
It's way too clear to me
But really life is dandy
We are what we don't see
We missed everything daydreaming

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

Travelling I always stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets it and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

The dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon
So that they could die

And the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
And the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day until the feeling went away
And the sky was falling and the clouds were dropping
And the rain forgot how to bring salvation

The dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
So that they could die

future plans

it was kind of weird, but almost significantly coincidental, that right at this point of time where i was contemplating my future path as an OT, MOE decided to send a letter out to the graduands, inviting them to attend and apply for positions of Special Needs Officers in MOE.

which means that i get to go back to school, and continue on to get a Diploma in Special Education. which means that i get a specialist qualification for paediatrics OT. which also means that i get work experience for 2 years in a specific area of practice. and at the same time, i am getting paid more that i will receive in the hospitals, which means i have more money to spend, or to save for my masters. my masters requires 2 years working experience, which is ultimately served by my bond to MOE.

and i get to be with friends too.

see, everything comes to you when you least expect it.
give thanks to Him.

overseas attachment

i was a bit worried that i would not have this opportunity at all to go overseas for my attachments. this was because i already gave up on it once last year, because it was too close to the hari raya season. and this year, the opportunity threatened to give up on me as well, because of my sister's impending marriage ceremony that i would have to be present at.

the attachments would last from end of march to early may for a total of 6 weeks.
and because i was unsure of the duration for those going overseas, i was afraid that it may clash with my sister's dates , and i would then be unable to fly off.

but the great Plan works itself out.

i found that i had enough time to go for my attachments, and even to have a holiday for about a week after the attachments, and still be back in time for my sister's wedding. how cool is that? and i am going after another dear friend's wedding, which she has specially requested for me to be present at the solemnisation ceremony itself.

so everything is somehow back in place.

anyone want to come for a holiday with me in Australia?

inter-polytechnic debates

this was the competition we were training all out for, and unfortunately, we have to announce that we only managed to get as far as the semi-finals.

however it is important to note that the reason we lost was not because we were inferior to the dastardly team that we went against, but more of the lack of impetus from the adjudicators to look deeper into the debates to analyse assuredly the areas of concern. while they were overwhelmed by dramatics and flamboyance, they have failed to address the substance of the arguments, which essentially made the whole arena a farce.

and in defiance, we refused to be disappointed, or even feel dejected.

at least we know we fought with integrity, and with true mettle. as compared to some lesser teams who had to depend on theatrics to confuse and confound.

all fluff, as we would say.

but i am damned proud of the team that represented NYP, and for these people with whom i have bonded and formed a special relationship with. they are the maddest people, and the gayest group ever.

i present to you, the NYP Debates Team.

The Voice of Aceh, the French-Indo hunk (NOT!!), our most charismatic substitute coach - Jose Kasijo (who owes me a sundae to alleviate my depression).

from left:

zul, alex, faa, charles (jose's friend), sha, terrence, edwin, halim, sharon, cheryl, ME!

11 january... has life begun?

hehehe...

i know i know... people have asked why i have not updated my blog.
although you see, its been barely 10 days. but in the virtual world, when everyone is bored, every single detail seems to take forever to happen... hahaha...

of course there has been a lot of things happening. so i will take my time to write out entry by entry. because i wanted to get the pics to go along with the entries, and some of the pictures are so taking forever to reach me.

basically there are about 5 things i will write about.

1) debates
2) going overseas for attachment
3) future plans after graduation
4) gaming like mad people, and the mad people i game with
5) things as how they stand

so onwards to my first entry...

the kind rejection

not out of spite for you ok? its just a means of me recording what has happened.

so i was asked who, and i gave the answer.
and i was kindly rebuffed.

well, better to have tried and failed, than not to have tried at all.

maybe there is a hikmah to it all.

and friends we shall remain ok?

end of the year review

i dunno... people usually do a one-off look at whether they have in anyways achieved their resolutions for the past year... so maybe i will look back at what i have written on this exact same date a year ago, and comment appropriately.

only to find that i don't have any past year resolutions to commit to.
smart ain't i?

because i have already foreseen that my resolutions would fail me anyways, or rather i them, because i can't commit to working towards them.

yeah. so no resolutions to fulfill, so nothing to complain that i have failed. hahaha. i win on both accounts.

but i will still come to review this past year.

it has almost flown by too fast if you ask me... and much has happened within that overwhelmed me with emotions, and frankly, i wouldn't know where to start. refer to my past year blog posts if you wish... because i think my comments then would be the same as my comments now.

am i satisfied with the year past?

academically, it has been a most trying year... with our longest attachments and most difficult modules coming alongside each other... and in me trying to commit to the various CCAs that i was in... SHS Club, SAOTSC, and Debates... and my utter inability to help out with the establishment of the NYPMS... i felt most energised and empowered at times, but at others i was little more than a thin strip of mental thread waiting to snap. but i am glad that it has all passed now, and in this coming year, i can definitely focus on the work that i need to do.

socially, i am thankful for the friends i have lost but found again, and for the blessed time that i have with them. and for the love that i feel for them. and for their unconditional acceptance of me. there is so much in the value of a friendship that i would give my life for that these people form a very tight circle around my heart.

family has never been better... all the past issues of delinquent siblings, and misperceptions of each other have somewhat passed along... and my parents are growing to become more accepting of the new changes happening before their very eyes... a daughter to be married, a son who has turned over a new leaf, a son who is graduating from school soon and yet another son who will be taking his O levels not too long down the road. indeed, all of us are growing up, and the flighting issues that accompanies growth have somewhat calmed themselves down.

spiritually, i am at peace because i know what i need to do and why i am doing it. and i am able to understand my fraility and weaknesses in the light of His Glory and Might. and i am able to appreciate the gifts that i have been endowed with and give my ultimate trust in Him, that i will be shown a path which is of benefit to me.

the coming year is one filled with excitement and times of uncertainty for me.

for one, i am graduating as an occupational therapist in about 5 months' time. i will then be entering into the working life, and that opens up a whole window of opportunity for me. i look forward to this.

before that i hope to be going to australia for my final attachments. i am a bit nervous, but i am sure it will be a good experience.

there are a few people slated to get married, and my sister is foremost on that list. i hope everything runs smoothly at all stages of the marriage.

my dearest friends will also be graduating, and i wonder how our paths will turn and meander... will we become closer, or will we drift apart? it is all, at this moment, open for speculation.

but live through it i will, as i take each day as it is.

I ask to be granted the strength and courage to face the challenges of the new year, and may this year be a better year for me and for all of you out there.

i may have gone overboard

so out of respect for you, i apologise for my ranting online.
i removed the post already... so no one can read it now.

takmo marah ok?

al-fatihah

if you all read the newspapers today, you will chance upon a story about 2 women who died in a motorcycle accident.

one of them, Siti, is my brother's girlfriend.

please gift your prayers for her, and her friend as well.

and to all of you who read my blog, and ride motorcycles... please do take extra caution, because the risks of riding are clear. take care ok. because its going to be torment for me if anything happens.

bite back.

haha.

urm, kalau yang terasa tu eh, memang patut lah terasa.
tapi sebab dah terbalas kan, takpa la... nizar memaafkan.

and kalau sakit kan, memang padan muka, tapi nizar pon mintak maaf.

and bagus lah kalau dah baca, at least you now understand.
because whatever i write is usually not meant for the eyes of those for whom the real message is intended.

yeah yeah.

contradictions.

sedap gigit.
as how they would say, puas hati!!!

kukusai, bubumai, kenasai

do these names sound alien to you?
hahaha... let them.

these people are my beloved.
i really had fun today.
and i guess i always will when its just the three of us.

and though i dunno why i was bombarded with those questions, i will just let it pass.

because i looooooove you both.

hahaha. *MUACKS*

Sister’s engagement

sigh.

because i went for the scavenger hunt, i did not know that i missed my sister's surprise engagement.

she was so excited when she showed me the ring.
and i cannot express how happy i am for her.

all i can give is prayers for her.

Allah, bless her and Rauf with a happy and guided life.

Amin.

olympus scavenger hunt 2006

yeah... so the 4 of us joined in this competition...
me abu uan and mahmud.

and along the way, we roped in adri our driver and juni our researcher.
haha.

and chow was our team leader and photographer.

we entered with not much hope of winning, but as we got along the race, somehow all our hopes were raised, cos we thought that we had the upper hand in one of the places we were supposed to go to... which was at the Malay Heritage Centre... we really thought that no one else knew where that place was... so when we finally reached the last point, against all odds... the rain, traffic, wrong turns and tired legs... we were pretty optimistic.

but hell. the guy did not even look at our camera pics... a bad indication.

and when we asked, the guy said that there were 10 teams who already reached before us (out of a possible 20).

and when the results were announced it was no surprise. we did not win.

so here's an analysis of what could have possibly happened.

1) we spent too much time at the fort canning station, because we got lost, and we could not run cos our heavy butts were... well, heavy.

2) we spent too much time looking for the camera shop at peninsula plaza.

3) we spent too much time running around saint andrew's cathedral.

4) we spent too much time on the road.

Conversely, if things were not our fault,

1) the other teams cheated, and did not complete all the stations. but they were given privilege of doubt because they were first to arrive.

2) the other teams were given more clues than they should have gotten, leading to them being at an advantage. hence, again they cheated.

3) the other teams were somehow privy to the fastest routes, which can only come from them knowing the details beforehand. hence they cheated again.

4) the organisers could not verify the pictures, hence no way of establishing the winner, except by time. hence the teams who won did so unfairly.

yes, i am a sore loser. sue me.

i blardy wanted the cameras la... even third prize would have been something.

urgh. yes i won friendship and what not... but a camera is worth sooooooooooooo much more.

hahaha.

materialistic me. i still want the camera.

preliminary FYP results

hehe...
spent the morning in school today with my fyp-mates...
and then we were slugging it out with the transcriptions... which were of course killers by nature...

but by lunch, we got tired of transcribing... and decided to move on to the SF-36 and CHIEF surveys which we ran... and we managed to use to SPSS...

and we ran the analysis to get some idea if we were on the right track...
and found that... YES!! hahaa... although the correlation between SF-36 and CHIEF were more in the .7 range, indicating moderate correlation, at least we have something to say now...

at least our hypothesis is somewhat proven... although may not be so convincing to the statisticians out there... but hell, we at least got our main question answered... quite proud of it la...

if you don't understand what i am ranting about here, no worries... i am just ventilating what i feel is an achievement... yay!! FYP is going somewhere!!

haha.

ok back to earth.

holidays not happening

i was supposed to take a holiday with tau and iskandar this year end.
we were supposed to go to krabi.

but because i had no money, i couldn't go along.

and i was super sad and super jealous that they are going anyways.

then i realised that i cannot go.
because i have debates competition.

30th Dec, 3rd and 6th Jan.

They coming back on the 30th.

So yah.

did not matter that i sulked. i wouldn't have been able to go anyways.

stupid me.

fyp update

on one note, i am glad that our data collection is over.
although i am so dissed at my supervisor for interrupting my focus group discussion and just spoiling the whole arrangement.

but that has passed.

the other side now, is the analysis of data.

beginning with the transcription of recordings.

i took 4 hours to do 25 minutes of recording.

can you believe it?

so fun to talk, but its a hell in itself when you need to look at what has been said.

sheesh.

but i am getting paid for another friend's focus group... that is something to look forward to.
hahaha.

i need money

yeah, as how the title says, i need money.

damn it.

how i envy those with holiday jobs, and those who are already working.
because they have money to spend.

how i envy those rich kids who don't need to work.
because duh, they already have money to spend.

and how i envy those who somehow make good decisions that leave them with money laden hands, and not otherwise.

i cannot go out, because i cannot get the money to.
i cannot go for a proper holiday, because i dont have the money to.
i cannot take this time to rest myself from a whole academic year of crap, because unfortunately, i won't be given the money to.

am i complaining?
yes i am.

but it is really to no avail now is it?

sometimes i really wonder, is it my management that sucks, or is it truly a matter of there is nothing to manage in the first place?

whatever la.
talking here does not make any money appear in my pockets.

now i am miffed.
urgh.

to say or not to say

only a few people know of this.
2 in fact.

i am contemplating saying something that could potentially be a turning point (read: marker for future plans, or onset of crises) for my relationship with someone.

but i have yet to summon the courage to say it.

but like i said, if it happens, it happens.

there is no need to rush into things.

but to some extent, i am hoping that the heart of the person will be as attuned and receptive to what i want to offer, that these words need not be said at all.

Guidance, i seek from Thee.

end of attachments

it came and passed by just like that.
the whole 8 weeks of attachments, and that is the longest we will have ever... until we work that is... hahaha.

but anyways, all my work paid off very well.
i was most shocked at the level of confidence that my supervisor had in me, and the degree with which she saw me performing.

i had thought that i was just average and did not really do well in the attachments. in fact i was under the perception that i was underachieving, what with all the work that was backlogged and the projects which were not really completed...

so it came to final eval time... and i concurred perfectly with her analysis of my strengths and weaknesses... which bordered at the 4 and 5 level, with the occasional 6 when i performed exceptionally well. but her spoken comments were what touched me the most.

my supervisor commended me on my language ability, and my communication with the team. she also commended the way i conducted myself confidently and the way i build a substantial rapport with my clients (i am proud to say that a parent actually asked if the unit would employ me, because she thought i was really good). she said that i had a very positive attitude and many beneficial traits that would bring me very very far in the field.

although my evaluation was not really something fantastic (like the all 6s that some of my friends got), i did secure myself a 90/100 as a final grade. this was definitely something that i did not see coming at all. 90/100 is a distinction grade, and for this module, which has the highest weightage ever, i would be more than blessed to have obtained such a good score.

but more importantly, i feel that the remark which is most indelible is this, "Nizar already has the skills as a therapist. He just needs to refine it, which will come with experience."

as a final year student, nothing is more important than the assurance and stamp of approval from those within the field of practice - an acknowledgement that you are ready to enter the world of clinicians. it is the comment that each of us wants to hear from our supervisors. and i really treasured that remark. especially coming from someone as long and experienced in the field as my supervisor is.

i am glad to say that the sacrifices i made for this attachments really paid off.
but now i have to start paying my dues... hehehe... debates here i come.

photographs

as i figured out how to use my photobucket account again, here are some pictures of events that took place in the past month.

Imran's (to those who know him) art exhibition at the mandarin hotel. beautiful rendition of christina aguilera.

the morning crowd at old friends raya outing at my place

can you believe the little tyke is 14 years old? muhib the boy wonder... love his voice!

bebudak ntu keluar berjalan... half the crowd left...

little group outing at nura's

of families and friends

age is really catching up with all of us.
and our parents, are ageing together with us.
we are no longer children.

really.

raya just passed and in that period of time, i realised how many of us have grown old. how many of my relatives i am now missing and would no longer be able to see... and how soon, even those closest to me would age and pass on, as how others have.

of my friends, there are those succumbing to age-related ailments, and i see their health deteriorating despite the best efforts of medicine. recently i heard news that a mother of a friend had a mild stroke, and that a father of another friend had liver cancer and passed away.

its all real, and its all frightening.

i know that this is all part of the grand cycle of life. as a healthcare professional, that is something i have to deal with and accept. but sometimes, it is just too hard to swallow. especially when at some points in time, you have come to take these people for granted, that they will always be around for you - which is a fallacy we all make as humans.

well, leave us to cope with it as best we can then.
to all those who i mentioned in this post, may Allah grant you kindness and mercy and health above others, and may He grant forgiveness and acceptance to those who have passed on.

to forgive and be forgiven

"there's nothing to forgive. i have done as much if not more wrong than you have ever done to me. So if you can assure yourself to forgive me, then you can assure yourself to have been forgiven as well. Seriously, in the end when i look at it, we'll always remain good friends no matter what, ok?"

this is your response to me asking for forgiveness.

i was just struck by the faith that you have in the friendship, despite all the crap that has been thrown to each other. and i was struck by the ease with which you bury hatchets, although that is not part of my traits. but i guess that is what makes us complementary opposites.

you were honest enough to tell me that you were uncomfortable, and that you were slighted by my actions too. and i was glad to know that you were not as insensitive to whatever i did. haha, that was a side i never expected to see in you... and when you revealed what you felt on the days we met and communed over the sms-es, i was amused yet pleased to know that you have somewhat changed to be the person that i had wanted you to be to me.

But at the same time, i have come to terms about certain things, certain truths about us.
So don't worry about anything, just be happy and take care of yourself.

You'll always have that place, whether it's manifest or hidden.

fyp updates

haha...
this is another thing to bend my brain around.

HB, our supervisor, hasn't been able to meet up with us to discuss the proceedings of our project. and the meetings with our collaborating organisation are also not attended by him. so its like we are all supervising ourselves. but not that we are not doing well la. we are keeping to whatever we had planned, and i think so far, we have conducted ourselves quite amicably and professionally. but some of the administrative issues are really not within our domain to discuss... so at those points we really get worried that we may be doing the wrong things, or not complying to some NYP rule or protocol. but what the hell la, we are just going to jump in and see how things turn out...

we realised in our planning that we have yet to tie down so many loose ends, which may at the end affect the credibility of our research. so we better buck up so that our work becomes recognised literature and is a good foundation upon which future research can be based.

hehe. big dreams huh?

six

ok, as you all know, it is still attachment season.
so yah, this is a generic update for the week.

week 6 of attachments already passed... yeaps its kinda moving quite fast.

and for me and my colleague, we were really looking forward to getting past this week, cos firstly, we had an off for friday (in-lieu for deepavali), and that means an extended weekend. secondly, this week was also hell-week cos we saw 5 patients in a day, and thats like the case-load of a full-time staff... its especially stressful cos our supervisor had to see her own cases on top of ours, which meant that we were unsupervised most of the time (for me it was all of the time), and so getting past that day was really a load off our backs.

fortunately, the following week is HMDP, we are not seeing any patients, and that means a stress-free week. so YAY! and that also means that we only have 5 more days till end of attachments. woo hoo!!

this week i tried to manipulate my way out of a chore which i myself did not want to do in the first place, but was encouraged to by some people up there... i decided to take myself out of training to focus on the more important things that i had to do, and hoped that they would then remove me from the team cos i could not commit when it came so close... but damn them. they said that they would wait for me. haha. i just manipulated my way into more shit. so unlucky me.

yeaps. that's for the update on attachments.

sunday, and my heart is still

amazingly, despite not wanting to go out today at all... i found myself enjoying it at the end.
first was the guys gathering at my house, and first to arrive was iskandar.
the one who always leaves me in a dilemma after i meet him... cos he just signals wrongly all the time. but its all quite simply the uncontrollable id speaking there. haha.

then came the rest. zul was also there, despite saying that we may not be able to meet... but fortunately he came.

we took a slow trip to everyone's place, where transport was available.
off to rita's, then to abu sufian's, then to iskandar's, then to zul's.

i even managed a conversation with him, despite still being oh-so-hurt.

but like i said, its more of the others who made it worth it.

had a good hug with is and zul.
and somehow, i settled myself.

week 5, reaching breaking point

its has come to an end, this week 5.
and for the sake of sanity, i have 9 days left to go for my attachments.
which is not too bad.

but hell, this week was a bad week.
monday came, and i did not go for debates, because i had stuff to do.
tuesday came and a child flopped in my arms, and bumped her jaw against the edge of the table, and bled. lucky my sup was around.
wednesday came, and my sup was not around, and i think i did not handle one client well. i think i sorta wasted that child's time. then went for debates and they were sarcastic. like i meant not to come everytime, and i was purposely uncommitted.

wednesday was the day i almost cried to myself in desperation. but somehow i managed to hold it all in. talked to abu at night, and that made me feel better.

thursday came, and at ilham's exhibition, i saw luqman my BMT sergeant whom i have been wanting to see for the longest time. still can do. haha. nice that he still remembered me, though he could not say my name. haha.

friday came and at attachments, its like i really felt this week fly by too fast, and i don't really know if i did well this week, and if my patients felt i was helping them at all this week. and its just so uncertain. went for dim sum dollies, and that was nice as a preview of the weekend. stayed out late. but apparently something happened, and now its not that great a weekend.

saturday is almost over, with me spending the whole day at home just bumming.
sunday is to come, and i dunno how that will turn out.

but of all the events that has happened this week, i am left with a question.
how is everyone else coping?

i know my ntu babes are all examination struck.
and i know of the personal stories of other people.

how do we cope?

prayer of love

Allah,

Sesungguhnya Engkau telah memberiku nikmat sahabat yang membawaku kepadaMu, dan Engkau telah memberiku nikmat sahabat yang menerima kekuatan dan kelemahanku, dan Engkau telah memberiku nikmat sahabat yang menyayangi dan mencintaiku. Atas nikmat ini, aku memanjatkan syukurku kepadaMu.

Berikanlah kami perhubungan yang berpanjangan hingga ke syurgaMu, dan kekalkan kami dalam cinta dan kasih sayang terhadapMu dan antara sesama kami, dan teguhkan dan jayakan kami dalam setiap usaha kami keranaMu.

Ya Allah,

Sesungguhnya aku menyayangi mereka yang telah Engkau anugerahkan kepadaku, maka janganlah Engkau malapkan cintaku melainkan Engkau tidak redha dengan perhubunganku.

Ya Allah,

Sayangilah mereka yang menyayangiku kerana tiada cinta yang lebih agung dari CintaMu, dan bagi mereka yang menyayangiku sedangkan aku tidak mampu menyayangi mereka, ampunilah mereka dan diriku yang lemah ini. Ingatilah mereka yang mengingatiku kerana tiada yang lebih Peka melainkan Engkau, dan sekiranya mereka melupakanku dan aku melupakan mereka, ampunilah mereka dan diriku yang lemah ini.

Allah kepadaMu aku memohon keampunan dan rahmah, dan kepadaMu aku memohon kasih sayang dan mahabbah.

Ilahi anta maqsudi, wa ridhakan matlubi a'tini mahabbataka wa maghfirataka. Salallahu wa sallimu a'la Rasulillahil karim wa a'la alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam. Amin.

out with the dearhearts

abu arranged for an outing today to jalan raya.
simple outing with less than 10 people, but i felt that there was enough heart for 100.
relaxed journeys filled with laughs, no stress to finish visiting homes...

it was just simple, and they were all just a pleasure to be with.
maybe despite me saying that i am so irritated by their teasing, to a great extent, i yearn for it.
haha. paradoxical, but true. because it just shows us that we are somehow still together, and that time has not changed that.

even if i cannot hug you all physically, i am doing so in my heart every night, and every time i think of you.

tonight i sleep well.

updates on attachments first

erm.
ok.

beginning the fifth week tomorrow.
and sorta falling into a rhythm of how things are supposed to happen over at the clinic...
so i think i will be able to survive the weeks to come (seeing that of course there is only 3 weeks left.)

midway evaluation was over on wednesday, and mine was super quick.
and the comment given before my sup went through the papers with me was: "good ones don't need so long to go through." so i guess that means good for me.

on another note, embarrassing moment at attachments, involving falling, and having the whole room laugh at you.

leave it at that.

hahahaha.

okies, next post.