as i arrived at sydney

well. before that.

let me just share with you some woes that i had during the departure.

firstly, the engine of the plane i was due to take failed, and the flight got delayed for a while.

then when i reached sydney, there was a problem with the aerobridge connection. and we remained on the plane for a while again.

talk about jia lat right?

its like things were not meant to be.

but i persevered. managed to find my way in the airport and clear customs.

aussie has this big thing about quarantine items. and they are super particular about organic stuff. i just saw this episode on aussie tv about people who flout the quarantine laws, and then they got into serious hell for not declaring. i remembered feeling fearful also, because i did not know if i had inadvertently filled out the quarantine form wrongly or if i had not declared anything. but thankfully i cleared customs quickly.

then came the next part, about going to my hotel.

i actually sat down for a full hour at the airport, because i was lost.

lost as in i did not know where to go, what to do, who to approach.

because everyone seemed so... on the go. and there was no one to fetch me or anything like that.

for the first time, i truly felt alone. ALONE.

so to cheer myself up, i took some photos as i sat down moping at the airport.

my bags lined up.

the waiting lounge. where i just looked at people go by.

me trying to smile despite feeling oh-so-alone. i smiled ok?

then i decided to lug my butt around to the information counter, and i finally got directions to go to my hotel. take the airport shuttle, they say. and then when i took the shuttle, i realised i took the wrong shuttle... hahaha. but it got me to the same place. FORTUNATELY. and i think the charge of $10 AUD was kinda alright for an airport shuttle (although i would not know how much it would cost if i took the proper shuttle... haha.)

i realised that the airport was not that far away from where i would be working and staying, so it was kind of something which lifted my spirits up. in my head, i was thinking, if anything, i would be able to run to the airport to get myself some comfort. and it would just cost me $10. hur hur. but of course things are not so bad.

along the way to the hotel from the airport.

as i reached the hotel, the bus driver said that the hotel i was due to stay in was a good one, and that i would be pleased with it. i was heartened.

Y on the Park Sydney Hotel

as i checked in, i made my first payment on my mastercard. and luckily it worked.

so i went up, and found myself in this room with 4 beds, and a sleeping japanese man on the third bed. and my bed was the last one, furthest in the room. which meant that i had to walk past him. lucky he woke up and let me through. hahaha. well. the room was not fabulous. and frankly i was disappointed as the pictures on the net really did not do justice to the room. or is it the other way round? anyways see for yourselves.

how room looked like online.

reality is painful.

but then i sucked it up. hey its all part of the experience right? i made acquaintances with the japanese man, the italian man who slept beside the door, and the london guy who slept in the 2nd bed. least i allayed my own fears. but i never opened up my laptop, nor left it in the room when i left the room for my walks. haha. talk about security. well yeah, i did not trust the security there. so there.

so that was how i spent the morning of me coming into sydney. its really something i tell you. something i wont forget. haha. more to come in the next entry... of me trying to get communications, accommodations, and nutrition.

this is the story of a boy

who went to sydney.

hahaha.

i promised to update on the happenings of sydney, and how i am coping.

and so i shall. but the delay was due to me waiting to transfer the photos onto the computer.

but today, now that i have, i will update my blog as promised.

with photos!!

so so, on 12th april, i departed from singapore, with the few of my family and friends who decided to send me off. it was quite unexpected the number who turned up to send me off, because i was actually only expecting like a group of less than 10. but look below to see who came.

to all who did, my thanks and love.

super sweet of you all. and i appreciate it.

The early ones... me making some phone calls to say goodbye.

mommy, nifail and me, sister came late.

cik betty, ratna's mommy.

the rest of those who came: hafiz, shasha, azfar, mahmud, taufiq, me, abu, adri, rezuan, nas, zul.

MUACKS!

about to go

yes i am about ready to go.

its 3.45pm here in Singapore, and i am going to asar then leave my home in about 45 minutes' time.

yeaps.

all the work that i have been prepping for the past 2 months or so, finally coming to fruition.

but before i end my last entry in Singapore, just wanted to thank one special soul.

when he said lets go around singapore, i did not think he meant it quite literally.
so for three and a half hours in the wee hours of the morning, i was driven around singapore.
we visited pierce reservoir, nyp, ntu, nus, mt faber, changi, makam habib noh, pusara aman, pasir panjang, pioneer, marina, orchard, esplanade, seletar west camp... in the appropriate orders la...

in my head i was thinking, apa lah si gila ni nak buat...
but in my heart, i couldnt be more thankful that it happened.

he may not have intended it, but what he did really took my mind of the worries that i was facing la. and it was such a long time since we spoke that long to each other.

at 3.45 last night, when we came home, i was peaceful inside.
and i was ready to go.

abang, i know the efforts you would expend for me. and i am thankful.
and i only hope that i can repay you in a similar fashion one day.

pray for me all.

one night only

"You've got one night only, one night only
That's all you have to spare
One night only, let's not pretend to care
One night only, one night only
Come on big baby come on
One night only, we only have 'til dawn

In the morning this feeling will be gone
It has no chance going on
Something so right has got no chance to live
So let's forget about chances, this one night I will give..."

So its one night only i have left before my flight.
feeling very overwhelmed by everything... the culmination of my sweat and tears in planning for this trip that almost did not happen... and the residual uncertainties... things which really have yet to fall in place.

i keep getting reminded of the gift i received yesterday, and it keeps getting me into tears.
and i keep breaking down when thinking of my departure, and i just had a good cry looking at the confirmed flight.

i know its just one month. but its a whole month of being without.
it will truly be a struggle for me.
and i keep asking why i decided to go.

the answer was easy. and so i asked the Reason to cast away my pain and doubts.
and i rested the outcomes in Him.

i most probably won't write tomorrow night, given that i would be on the flight by then.

i will try to post regularly when i am there.

and i promise to make the entries happy.

one night each time.

band of brothers... and one sister!

haha.

peeps from ntu organised a small gathering to chill.
ad was main planner. people who came were uan, mud, fath, nas, abu, alfi, abang din.
and hajar, juni and ansari sent their regards.

for me, sending of the regards would have sufficed.
and hence the gathering was something that moved me deeply.

i am truly blessed to have these people as one of the closest to me, given a true spiritual bond between us. and my heart is filled with love for them. and i am most happy to say that it is requited.

there will be no other like this group.

thank you guys. i really love you all.

this night

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess


These two paragraphs from Snow Patrol's "Run" sums up my emotions for the time.

last few singaporean updates

hahaha.

wow. almost 3 weeks without updating, although these weeks have the most hectic ever, and the culmination of my time in NYP. and almost the culmination of my time as a student.

well, in the space of about 3 weeks, this is what has happened.

i completed 4 exams, and completed my final year project.
we had our annual occupational therapy students' conference, where we presented our final year papers. my team shared the best paper prize, although we did not physically hold the award. we hugged and cried and teased and abused our lecturers on that day. never seen us that wild before.

my australian placement got postponed by two weeks due to some unforseen changes in the australian healthcare policy. so i am currently on a two week placement with an early childhood education centre somewhere along holland road. and there is a affinity between me and them. so got a locum offer there. then got another offer at a previous placement centre as well. then considering this opportunity at a clinic close to home. and then the plans of MOH to open up adolescent services. so many opportunities. so little of me to go around.

haha.

but again, let me get through my aussie placement first.
while most things are kind of settled, i still feel the butterflies.
given that i am going alone, and given that my finances would be kind of tight, i cannot help but feel the jitters more than i would like.

i have prayed, and i have prayed again, for the burdens of this travel to be eased, both physically and emotionally. i hope to be uplifted after this placement. and i hope it happens in a way that i never expected to. grant your servant this, Master.

well, all those things aside, i am quite the way i was. many things have revealed themselves to me, whether i wanted to know or not. but i will learn to take it all in my stride. i am trying my best. guidance i seek from Thee.

will try to blog the next few days, with my final thoughts before i fly off.

those we seek to understand

"those we seek to understand

are those whose lives are deeply intertwined

with our very nature, our very spirit, our very essence

those we seek to understand

are those who represent our dreams

they underscore our purposes, our desires and our goals

yet,

seeking to understand

those we seek to understand

is a monumental task of seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, tasting, feeling and knowing

the natures, spirits and essences; the purposes, desires and goals

of those we seek to understand

and it is only

only if we seek to understand ourselves

can we begin to comprehend

those we seek to understand."

i dedicate this poem to you,

who have willingly shared your thoughts with me,

and who gave me comfort in my time of need.

truly, we rarely talk anymore.

and when we do, there is an awkwardness that wasn't there before.

i don't understand why.

but i pray that we never move apart,

because that would just break my heart.

be well, dear brother.

intelligent poem

I Saw a Peacock, with a fiery tail,

I saw a Blazing Comet, drop down hail,

I saw a Cloud, with Ivy circled round,

I saw a sturdy Oak, creep on the ground,

I saw a Pismire, swallow up a Whale,

I saw a raging Sea, brim full of Ale,

I saw a Venice Glass, Sixteen foot deep,

I saw a well, full of mens tears that weep,

I saw their eyes, all in a flame of fire,

I saw a House, as big as the Moon and higher,

I saw the Sun, even in the midst of night,

I saw the man, that saw this wondrous sight.

making up

i wrote about that dream i had.
well, it did not come true, because you did not come for the event.
but we somehow managed to patch things up.
for which i am happy.

but there is now the understanding of what will never be ever again.

before i leave, i just want to say i am sorry again for everything.
and thank you.

rita's wedding

so so... i attended the wedding of rita, my dear friend from waaaaaay back. she got married to keita, a japanese journalist, and all time nice guy... wah... he is so soft spoken it puts me to shame to speak loudly in front of him. but he is nice. and according to rita, he loves all her friends. hahaha. so much so that he would be at peace with leaving her in our able hands when she's giving birth. the gall!

rita asked that i assist her sister in the running of the day's events. haha. i damned well did my work ok? hur hur... but i was glad to be able to be a part of her celebrations. so to sum it up, here are some peektures. enjoyer!

rita's husband to be - keita ikeda (awaiting the solemnisation)

the qadi (registrar) going through the necessary documents before beginning the solemnisation

the bride and groom during the sanding session - dun they look cute??

taufiq was melur's partner for the day... now THEY look cute together... haha.

feeding each other the cake - their cake is a 4 tier creation, made of little brownies. nice.

azhar nor lesta sang us a few songs...

elfee ismail, son of local legend R. ismail sang a few songs (superb voice)...

in the spirit of the union between japan and singapore, we stuffed our faces with sushi.

...and typically took a japanese kawaii shot. me, keita, taufiq, rita, natalie, natasha.


the proud family, with new additions.

officially the last days of school

yups. me having exams now.
the FINAL exams for nyp.

school's finally going to be out.
and working life is beginning.

but i soooooooooo wanna continue studying. haha.
applied to la trobe, and will apply to uni south aussie.
both offer good programmes for degree conversion.

that means i will be away from country for 1 year.
hmm, other set of problems then.

haha.

more updates to come!

sydney attachment

did not think that it was so troublesome when planning for the attachments.
because, damn it, they expect us to go and do everything ourselves.

flight tickets, accommodations, insurance, visas, immunisations, the works.
all to be settled by ourselves.

its super stressful, especially now that you're so close to it already... because many things are not settled. at times i even wonder if its worth all the money and trouble that i am going through.

at least $4000, and time spent running around making the arrangements during FYP and exams. utterly stressful.

i guess its all part of the experience.

i am nervous as shit.

tentatively, i will leave on the 27th of March, and come back on the 12th of May.
this is of course for those who care.
any more updates, i will just post it up again.

touched

sometimes its difficult to be a person with high EQ that you are...
trying to please everyone... and fear of feeling guilty all the time...
But that shudn't be the case for me... coz forgiveness is always there when it comes to you...

yesterday you told me this. and i could not help but laugh and cry at the same time.

because, very few people make the effort to try to see where i am coming from.
even lesser finally come to this conclusion.
and only one or two have ever dared to tell me this face up.
and for these people, i am most grateful that He has gifted me with them.

i know its me being emo again.
but you know i love you.
and this is why i will love you more.

penat

kadang-kadang nak jaga hati orang penat. tapi nizar rasa nak jaga hati diri sendiri lagi penat. lebih-lebih lagi kalau hati sendiri penuh karenah... boleh lagi penat kalau nak layankan karenah diri sendiri. sebab layankan karenah, ikutkan hati sangat, marah ker, benci ker, tersinggung ker, nanti akibatnya orang lain juga yang terluka. lepas dah sakitkan hati orang lain, kan terpaksa nak ubat. ye lah, kata diri sendiri yang dah buat salah. jadi kalau dah sadar diri buat salah, cubalah betulkan. jadi nak betulkan tu banyak cara, mintak maaf, pujuk, berbaik-baik. tapi bila hati orang lain dah lali kat karenah kita, sebab dah berpuluh-puluh kali disakiti, kadang-kadang mintak maaf ker, pujuk ker, semua tak jalan. kadang-kadang, lebih orang tu kita sayang, lebih sakit dia kena, lepas tu lebih banyak kita kena betulkan. haiz, tapi setiap orang tu ada hadnya. kalau dah terlepas had, memang susah nak betulkan dengan sempurna.

nizar pon ada had nizar. tapi seberapa banyak nizar boleh, kalau nizar sakitkan hati orang, nizar cuba berbaik-baik semula. sebab nizar tahu pada asalnya, nizar sayang. tapi ada jugak masanya, nizar pon akan tersinggung. tapi orang selalu kata nizar ni sensitif, sikit-sikit merajuk. ok la, nizar terima. tapi sedihnya, orang tak nampak, parut yang orang kasi belum betul-betul baik. senang-senang orang ingat, semuanya dah seperti asal. tapi apa nizar nak buat, takkan nak kata nizar masih marah kalau orang lain dah tak kisahkan lagi?

jadi, kadang-kadang nizar pon malas nak layankan karenah diri sendiri la. sebabnya, kadang-kadang orang lain pon tak paham sangat apa yang nizar rasakan. bila nizar dah mintak maaf, pon tak dilayankan sangat. takpa, sekurang-kurangnya, orang tahu nizar dah mintak maaf.

tapi sedih jugak dibuatnya, apabila orang tak erti sakit hati yang dialami.

anyways, i already apologised and made attempts to reconcile twice. but it seemed as if you don't really care anymore. i just hope it does not turn out the way the dream did. we will somehow meet this sunday at the wedding. it will be awkward for sure, but it will still be done. if you don't want to reconcile, it is fine by me, although it will be painful. i can sort of understand why you would act that way, and i will try to understand. but i hope that at least we can be cordial. i know i will try to. my only question will be, why did things have to come to this end?

fikiran

semalaman ku renungkan
keadaanku yang berduka
yang hiba tanpa ku erti mengapa

dan dalam lamunan
ku teringat para kekasihNya
dan keadaan mereka bercinta
sesama mereka, dan bersamaNya

sesungguhnya Dia tidak perlu pada kasih mereka
sesungguhnya Dia tidak mendamba cinta buta
sesungguhnya Dia hanya ingin pengabdian hamba

namun,
para kekasih terus bercinta
para kekasih masih berusaha
mengejar pandangan kasih Sang Pencinta
yang sekilas lalu mampu membawa manis tak terhingga

dalam gembira, Sang Pencinta
dalam duka, Sang Pencinta
dalam marah, Sang Pencinta
dalam asmara, Sang Pencinta
dalam kaya, Sang Pencinta
dalam hina, Sang Pencinta

setiap detik saat yang berlalu
para kekasih tetap bertuju
sehati sehalu
pada haqiqat Hu.

dan ku tetap dalam lamunan insaniyah ku

sesungguhnya
dalam ku bersahabat dan berkerabat
dalam ku menjalin jalinan terikat
mungkin itu yang ku cari secara tersirat
mungkin itu yang ku harap menjadi haqiqat

cinta yang mengenangku walau sejenak masa
tak kira di waktu bersama atau jauh di mata
cinta yang menghargaiku setiap ketika
tak kira sama ada ku patut menerima
cinta yang wujud dan ku peka kewujudannya

tapi ku akur harapanku mungkin lamunan semata
ku akur harapanku mungkin mainan hati yang hiba
ku terima haqiqat yang tak mungkin menjadi nyata

masakan cintaku sama cinta mereka;
masakan cintaku bermakna pada mereka;
masakan cintaku sedarjat cinta Awliya;
masakan cintaku patut dianggap berharga?

ku hanya mampu mencinta, dan mendamba dicinta kembali.

remember - josh groban

Remember,

I will still be here

As long as you hold me, in your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended

Time can be transcended

Just remember me

I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly,

It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun

I'm with you

Whenever you tell my story

For I am all I've done

Remember,

I will still be here

As long as you hold me in your memory

Remember me

I am the one voice in the cold wind that whispers

And if you listen, you'll hear me call across the sky

As long as I still can reach out, and touch you

Then I will never die

Remember,

I'll never leave you

If you will only

Remember me

Remember me...

Remember,

I will still be here

As long as you hold me

In your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended

Time can be transcended

I live forever

Remember me

Remember me

Remember me...

reaping what you sow

excerpt from Uan's blog

If you plant honesty, you will reap trust
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness
If you plant perseverance, you will reap victory
If you plant consideration, you will reap harmony
If you plant hard work, you will reap success
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation
If you plant openness, you will reap intimacy
If you plant patience, you will reap improvements
If you plant faith, you will reap miracles

But...

If you plant dishonesty, you will reap distrust
If you plant selfishness, you will reap loneliness
If you plant pride, you will reap destruction
If you plant envy, you will reap trouble
If you plant laziness, you will reap stagnation
If you plant bitterness, you will reap isolation
If you plant greed, you will reap loss
If you plant gossip, you will reap enemies
If you plant worries, you will reap wrinkles
If you plant sin, you will reap guilt

that phase again

last night i could not sleep.

i found myself staring at the ceiling of my room, wide awake, and no indication of falling under the sandman's spell.

and i found myself so intensely brooding about the things i dreamt in the afternoon, that i was consciously becoming depressed. how can you consciously become depressed? well, you just do.

but anyways, this was one dream which i could not put out of my head.

the silence between us had dragged on too long. then we met at an event, which both of us had to attend, and we knew it was unavoidable. i spoke first, but ur demeanour had changed totally. you were not the nonchalant person you were before, the one who just let everything flow under the proverbial bridge. you had somehow let this thing set in, and it was something that you felt very strongly about and you were not willing to let it pass. and although i behaved like it did not matter to me, that i still did not regret what i said because of what you did, it occured to me that the damage i inflicted this time round, was far more insipidous than those i had before. and it showed, in your manner. and i knew that i had lost you.

this was my unconscious playing out. i had often called for you to be less apathetic. but in this dream, when you were not apathetic, i could not take it. and i was affected by the profundity of this dream. just says what a conflicting person i am.

at a recent event, someone remarked on my mannerisms, something i did not expect to come from him. i was asked if something was disturbing me. i read the slightest bit of sarcasm and mockery in his tone. but when i asked him what he meant and intended when he asked me those questions, he said that he meant nothing. but i am sure something deep down must have provoked his questions. i don't know what, but i fear to know it.

my busy schedule in school has kept me away from some friends. some for quite a while. but i have grown comfortable with the distance, and i have grown comfortable with the lack of concern. i have been said to be someone who is needy and dependent on my friends, and indeed i agree that i am needy and dependent. but the dependence came about because i felt needed first, and it just became a reciprocity for me. the frequentness of contact allowed me to nurture my affections. but the affections may be fallacious, and all too one-sided. and it is now that i begin to realise, that maybe those i love, don't love me quite as much.

i thought i knew people, and i thought that people knew me too. but maybe i have been thinking that i know, too much for my own good. because at the end of the day, i don't know what people think of me, and the way i am. maybe i read the wrong signals from people, and maybe people read the wrong things from me. i don't know if people see me with kind eyes, or with cursing eyes. i don't know if the level of comfort i have with them, echo the level of comfort they have with me. i don't know if all that i have is but a farce, and that everyone is just acting around me.

i don't think that i am speaking only out of depression.

but at least i know i speak from my heart.

don't say that i am sensitive. i am just more aware than many people can be.

one path closed.

the peeps at MOE decided that I was not suitable for the post of a special needs officer.
i just received the rejection letter today.

although i am sad that it wasn't me who got the chance to reject them, in some ways, i am rather thankful that this path has been closed to me. One of my supervisors commented that the path was not a suitable path for me, and that i should be looking ahead at bigger things. i guess the way i presented myself at the interview, was not what they were looking for in an SNO.

and i know i prayed to be shown a path which i would not regret and a path which would bring me to benefit others the most. maybe this is the answer to the prayers i made.

to those who had wished i was successful, thank you for the well-wishes. i appreciate it.
to those who had hoped i got the job, thank you for hoping, but sorry to disappoint.

there is always something out there that i do not know, that i cannot see.
may the closure of this path lead me to something which is better. Amin.

glad we put it behind us.

hey,

i am glad you did not choose to just disappear after what had happened, and after i wrote what i did. and i am glad you had the courage to speak to me and to apologise. i am happy that you decided that it was not worth keeping away just because of what happened. i appreciate that you appreciate our friendship enough to carry on.

thank you.

week 9

which is this week.
is a mad school week.
because we had our life assignment to hand in on monday.
and a literature review to hand in on monday.
then we had like a presentation to present on wednesday.
and of course all along with FYP and what nots.

but the saving graces were, the last presentation, we scored full marks. haha.
full marks for the amount of work we put in... so worth it la.

and then had some spiritual fulfilment too at a class i attended with a teacher whom many said looks like me. i went to see, and yes, we look the same, even the words we use are the same... haha. and the lesson taught was enlightening.

so good week.

alteRisk

the name of the camp i helped out in last week... but of course haven't updated yet.
innovative name, by the ways... and innovative running of the camp too!

it was a two day one night camp... and what a mad rush it was...
damn shagged by the time it was over...

started off on saturday morning with dragon boating... and swimming in the sludgy singapore river... then while the kids went back to the mosque, me, uan, mud, nas and abu lepakked to eat and bath at hajjah fatimah and beach road... then when we went back to the mosque, kids were doing up their t-shirts... then there was a talk by hafiedzul and omar... and then the night jaunt commenced at 11 plus and ended at 3 plus in the morning... hahaha... madness... no sleep at all... and everyone was just living off the other person's energy... i personally stayed awake and tried to do some reading... which was another mad thing to do... because i was just failing miserably... although awake, my brains were sooooooooooo asleep...

aiyah... but that's not the story la. i enjoyed myself. met so many new people who were mad to be with, and still could spend time with those i love. hur hur.

yeah camps are nice.

its only words...

and yet sometimes they inflict the most pain.

i met up with the secondary school guys that day, as one of them wanted to go for supper.
so all was fine, until i met one of them whom i respected and used to show it. but that day, seeing the crowd, i did not do what i usually did. and to my surprise, he actually asked why i did not do it. and i got blardy turned off by that remark.

my response in my heart was:
i give of my own free will. don't demand it because you think you deserve it. and don't insult me like that because it just makes me not want to do it anymore.

and of course, he had no clue why i was unresponsive to him all that night.

and then when we were boarding the van, as i was preparing to enter the back compartment in which there were two of them inside, one of them said that i was being an extra coming into the back. i had enough of buggers not thinking before they let their filthy mouths loose. i should have just slammed the door shut and walked myself home. of course later he messaged to say he did not mean it, but the damage is done isn't it?

twice in a night. by two different people.
and another before that.
are we becoming a group that has no respect for another person's feelings?

but hell, i am not in any way exempt from this.
i apparently offended one of those i love like this.
i am sorry.

its only words... but these words can sting. and sometimes they cut real deep.
and while sometimes sorry is the only thing you can say, it just isn't enough is it?

an assignment to find out who i am

it sucks being year 3.
because you got this hellish assignment to do.
its a lot on self-discovery.
and sometimes you are forced to hear the things you don't want to hear.
but you have to anyways.

this post is by no means a complaint against those who have so been forced to think about my weaknesses for me. thank you for your honesty, and i am honoured to have you as people who would tell me the truth for my own sake.

so here goes.

weaknesses:

Low tolerance for things I do not like
Suka merajuk (fretty and likes to sulk)
Fat
Non-confrontational
Extrovert (too extroverted leading to the next)
Loud
Emo
Clingy/ Needy
Procrastinator
Demanding

haha, now that i have listed them, i want to faintz again.
haha.

aiyah, everything got a reason one.
but its ok, because that is how people see me.
and i accept.

forgiveness

Forgive, forgive.

The greatest and most noble ability in this world is to be able to forgive.
Forgiveness sets aside the hate and malice and irrationality that poison the mind.
Forgiveness opens the door to peace and serenity which permeate and cleanse the soul.
Forgiveness raises one from the gallows of despair, and brings one to the sanctuary of true repose.

I should learn to forgive, and move on.
Even if I wish to be noticed and given due attention.
Even if I wish to be loved and given affection.

subtitles

Such a perfect evening, blowing candles in the park,

A boy sits by unremembered rocks, beside a girl in red,

They watch the birds and dancing waters,

Silent romance ghosting the night,

Silent smiles under the faded light.

When their lips touch, they drift into a dream,

To Dali's world, of eleven hybrid roses and lilies,

Where the clouds float above the trees,

Where leaves dip in humility, and roads are curved in red,

And the rain - subtitles beyond what's said.

And time - the immemorial gift,

Plays on the grand piano,

Jazz and ballads serenades the air around the girl in red,

For poems are his subtitles to what's not said

Muslim

on friendship

i quote the following excerpt from the blog of a friend who has humbled me with the simplicity of his words, but the depth of his thoughts.

"Encountering a good friend can be quite difficult in the contemporary lives of us teenagers. We experience an immense amount of worries and problems throughout the day; that being a good friend is one of our last priorities.

I, myself, was once baffled by what the definition of a "good" friend was, until I discovered a single step that if taken would make you the greatest friend there is.

Willingness.

That is all it takes in order to be considered a good friend. If we lack will, there is a diminutive chance of us being able to be a good friend. Willingness must come from within.

Listening is the most essential part of a friendship, we must be willing to stay for long hours listening to what our friends have to say, even if it's not the most exciting thing in the world to hear. Listening to our friend makes them feel important, special, wanted. It also allows them to exhale their problems and worries, and not keep them all bottled up. Although listening makes up most of what a good friend is there are also other things that form a good friend.

The will to sacrifice for our friend will also take us a step closer to being a good friend.For instance, you planned your entire night, but as you're about to leave to enjoy your Saturday night with your boyfriend/girlfriend, your best friend calls you right when you're stepping out, hysterical because something bad had occurred in their life. You must be willing to sacrifice your Saturday night you had so carefully planned out and go to your friend's house and converse with them about the situation and try to console them in any way that you can. Doing this demonstrates that we are willing to be there for him/her in their time of need and sacrifice whatever we had planned. We must always be willing to give advice to our friend. For example say your friend is in a situation where they do not know what to do, and so they turn to you for help; you must be willing to think things through with them and try to give them the best advice.

I once experienced something similar to this; I had turned to a friend for advice because I had failed my end of year examination and did not know whether I should notify my parents or not. My "good" friend, instead of trying to help me out and console me, said, "Don't show it to your parents, that's just stupid."

After I took my friend's "great" advice I realized that his advice was the worst to take. My parents received a call from my teacher telling them about the grades I had got, they were extremely unhappy and said if I had told them they would have been a little more understandable. I became aware that the "advice" he had given me was not by a good friend. He was not willing to stay and try to help me out with my problem; he'd rather go out and not have to listen to what I had to say. This is when I discovered the one single step to be a good friend.

The willingness to care is also a big must in being a good friend. If we don't care for our friend then our friend won't care for us and the whole point of we trying to be a good friend will diminish. We must care about how our friend feels and what they are experiencing. Caring is one of the best things we can do, because when our friend is in they're time of need and the whole world seems to be turned against them, we must be the one to care and make them see that it's not over yet. Nobody ever said being a good friend was going to be easy, but if we want to be a good friend then we're willing to listen, sacrifice, give advice and care for our friend, these skills will come in real handy if we really want to be a good friend. In the long run this skills will not only help us to be a good friend but also to be good to ourselves and to others.

In the end practicing this skill will all pay off, and we'll be glad we were willing."

z3oNx, 2007

karya

Bagaimana harusku mulakan rintihan batinku ini
Yang kian lama kupendam dilubuk hati
Yang demi masa tidak berubah isi
Yang akan hanya merobek naluri
Bagaimana...

Kepada siapa dapat ku curahkan isi hati
Yang hanya membuak, melonjak tanpa henti
Yang bergerak, caranya tidak ku erti
Yang bersorak, kemudian diam menyepi
Kepada siapa...

Untuk apa ku berdiri di sini
Yang ku nanti, telah pun kembali dan pergi
Yang ku kenangi, tidak lagi mengingati
Yang ku sayangi, telah hilang rindunya bagaikan mimpi
Untuk apa...

Aku bak awan
Yang hanya mampu mengikut tiupan sang udara
Yang hilang tanpa sesiapa sedar
Yang tangisan gerimis petang hanya seketika

Aku insan kerdil tak bermakna, tiada erti pada sesiapa...

tuesdays with morrie

this was a movie i saw in school as part of a self-discovery lesson.

the movie depicted 2 men, Morrie the teacher and Mitch the ex-student, who reunited after twenty years of separation, under very strange circumstances. Morrie was already in his 70s, and he was suffering from a disease called amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, which left him on a straight and sure path to death. Morrie, as a prolific sociology lecturer, was interviewed on tv, and that was when Mitch remembered an old promise to stay in touch. Hence in fulfilment of that promise, Mitch made his way down to see Morrie. That was the start of the reunion that was to change the way Mitch viewed his own life. Morrie challenged Mitch's take on many things, and together with Mitch, Morrie proceeded to write their last thesis on life together, documenting his final days and his thoughts on them.

What struck me in this movie was the philosophy that Morrie had, which strangely resonated with my own. He was not afraid to cry, because tears are only natural and they show that you feel. He was not afraid to express his emotions because he knew that there would be times when you will not be able to say what you feel anymore. He was not afraid to hold and embrace those he loved, for that was how he wanted to say goodbye all the time, wanting to be able to have contact one last time. He made every moment count, just in case.

i cried at this show many many times. Not just because it was sad to see him go. But rather, somewhere somehow i hoped that people would be able to understand me from that perspective too. Because no one does now.

Some quotes from the show before i end off.

"We must love one another or die."

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in."

"When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."

"Death ends a life, not a relationship."

"Without love, we are birds with broken wings."

"Love wins. Love always wins."

"Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone."

feeling unloved, and unappreciated

you(1) said lets not be awkward, and lets remain friends. but despite what you yourself said, you have elected for the easy way out, and blocked me. that's a very nice gesture, if i may say. i am ok with remaining as friends, but your very act has offended me very deeply. is it that scary to talk to me? is it that bad? i don't know. after all, it was not me that blocked you. unfortunately for us, i had to find out.

you(2) were supposed to have matured since the last time. you have gotten yourself a companion. for that i was very happy. after all, you were happy. but that day when you spoke those words, as if i was unworthy, as if i should not meet your companion, as if i would only be a bother and an extra burden, as if your relationship with your companion would be at risk somehow if i sat in the same vehicle with the two of you. you threw away 11 years of friendship and you threw away my heart. unfortunately for us, i became angry.

you(3) were the one i have dedicated so much of myself to. i thought you could understand my needs and my feelings. for i treated you with so much love and respect. but that night when you demeaned a practice which i reserved for those i truly cared for, i felt cheated. it was like you had never really wanted what i gave. and that it did not mean anything much to you, if anything at all.

you (1), (2) and (3) have somewhat discarded me.
its painful.

but i shall learn to live with it.
because i don't want to continue lying to myself.

Australia

my trip to aussieland should be confirmed.
i have a million and one things to do before i can go.
visa, insurance, accomodations, readings, air tickets, financial assistance...

its a hell.

but i gotta persevere. i asked for it anyways.
the price of wanting to be excellent.

shucks. schmucks.

my class

in all my posts i havent shown a picture of my class yet... here are some recent peektures of them in various things that we have had to get ourselves into this year.

the ribena girls

wait until sleep liao.

bizlink visit.

hua beng's model class.

reduced energy class.

fyp progress

erm, this is not as much an update on fyp progress, than it is a photo montage of what we have taken so far... haha.. enjoy!

suet: i want to kill myself! jess: go ahead, see if i care. peixin: stay cool like me. suet: ok lor.

Hua Beng in a discussion with us... and doing some work for us. lucky us.

wanrudoesnotlikesuetmingbutloveshuabengjustkidding.

Hua Beng feeds us, the wonderful man. and each time, there is just enough for us.

but we do work hard...

...and play hard as well (when we think people not looking)!

nura's concert

she had a concert at the esplanade. ok la not a concert but more of like a showcase kinda thing.

the place was sweet, the people were sweet, the music was sweet. what else can i ask for?

pics speak louder than words.

the set-up. simple and clean.

swayed by the music.

les musiciens: nura on vocals, jonathan on keyboard, isa on guitar

the sweet people who came: nura's colleagues, azmi and yanni, ratna and iman, tau, mel, ilham

a's birthday

dalam kegilaan nak menyambut hari lahir seseorang insan yang disayangi...
sanggup si tiga meronda dari hulu ke hilir singapura bila dah nak dekat pagi...

ada gambar gambar tak leh di letak... sebab takut menyinggung yang disambuti...
kerana yang tidak disangka menjadi...
haha...

alhamdulillah, sahabat sejati ditemui...
bahagia tak terperi.
happy happy.

betapa aku ingini pertemuan tiada henti.

bawah ni... gambar yang diizini... hehe...

nak hujan, angin tiup kuat, nanti candle tak leh nyala, nak buat lawak. abu... always something up his sleeve.

kek coklat.

cina and thai gathering... nasib takda police. illegal gathering sey.

yang disambut. haha.

OT Day Dinner

went for this dinner on Friday 19th Jan so that the students could be well represented. chunyi drove the lot of us there...

haha... and quite well-represented we were, given that we took 2 whole tables, out of a possible 12 (i am guessing this number) but hell, we were quite the crowd there.

i take the dinner as quite an important net-working event for us occupational therapists. given that we are a young profession, it is always good to keep our links with each other and to seek support from the group. for me, it is more of a reassurance and confidence-building thing, and to motivate me to achieve as how those who have made it have managed to. whatever "it" may be. haha.

the GOH was the first local male OT in singapore, mr ho meng jang, and at the dinner, we also commemorated the first local publication on OT. and while the food for me was not fabulous (they served different dishes for the halal peeps, and in significantly diminished proportions), at least i managed to get a free book! haha. worth my $15 la.

mr ho meng jang cutting the commemorative cake, with the cover of the book as a design.

group photo with prominent OTs: mrs siva, mr ho, mrs rosalind tan.

group photo with lecturers: hua beng, hwei lan, cheng mun

return to debates

although i did say that i would like to step down from debates after the tournament was over to concentrate on the final leg of my studies, by some emotional bond, i may be debating in another tournament before i end... and this i do for those who have made it worth my while. although it will be tough trying to juggle fyp and school projects and debates (my meetings are almost daily, lasting up to the wee hours of 9pm onwards), i promise to try my bestest best to attend when i can.

its funny how things end up, i say.

on another note, joey was so sweet to give each of us a postcard from vancouver, recounting his days there... our postcards run in a sequence, and each one of us got a day's worth of memories. talk about a coach that cares deeply.

sigh.

update update!

ho ho... long overdue posts... coming one by one

1) return to debates
2) OT Day dinner
3) a's birthday
4) nura's concert
5) FYP progress
6) Australia
7) feeling unloved, and unappreciated

here goes.