pearls before swine

my youngest bro loves to borrow those comics from the library.
and recently, he picked up an excellent title called "pearls before swine" by Stephen Pastis.
its just this whole menagerie of animals living in a suburb, and they all got their quirks. and i find the jokes really lame-but-funny. because the characters really bring it out. especially the ill-fated pig.

so here i have taken some selections for your enjoyment.

ventilation

when i first heard about it, i was pleasantly surprised.
and i was thankful, that things seemed to be picking up.

then i heard it, and i was unfortunately irritated.
and even more so when i was just taken for granted.

i had many comments, but i will just let them float away from me because the more i want to say them, the darker my heart becomes. so i hope to not have to ever say it.

no thanks to anyone for making it this way.

congratulations!!

dear friends hafiz and khairiah tied the knot on friday night.

thanks for letting me be a part of the affair!
here's wishing the newlyweds a blessed wedding, and life ahead as a couple.
barakallahu 'alaikuma wa barakallahu jam'a bainakuma!

can't hold on

Someone cries and it washes the street with tears
But when they are mine, they collect in my head for years
Rain or shine, still I'm standing on all I said
'Cause it's in my soul, carry on when the feeling's dead

But if you can't hold on
Let it go and come back in your heart
And if you can't hold on
Maybe it's not time for you
And if you can't hold on
On your very last try
I'll be there in the morning to pull you through

Someone dies late at night and I never know
And even if I did, so afraid of the face I'd show
I feel trapped and enslaved to this dark contrast
Need a feeling now, give me something that's going to last

I want to be free

You say you want to be free
But you can't fool me

Oh, and if you can't hold on
I'll be there, I'll be there

Oh, and if you can't hold on
Let it go and come back in your heart
And if you can't hold on
Maybe it's not time for you
And if you can't hold on
On your very last try
I'll be there so you know that you're not alone

Melee - Can't Hold On

loneliness in perspective

Don't surrender your loneliness so quickly
let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you
as few human or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
has made my eyes so soft
my voice so tender
my need of God
absolutely clear.

- Hafiz

quoted from the hoopoe. i feel very deeply for these words.

when the rose is gone

When the rose is gone and the garden faded
you will no longer hear the nightingale's song.
The Beloved is all; the lover just a veil.
The Beloved is living; the lover a dead thing.
If love withholds its strengthening care,
the lover is left like a bird without care,
the lover is left like a bird without wings.
How will I be awake and aware
if the light of the Beloved is absent?
Love wills that this Word be brought forth...

Mathnawi - Rumi

you gotta love her.

i tell you, there is this character in Horton Hears A Who that is so freakily adorable.
her name is Katie, and we don't really know what she is.

but here is a clip.



"In my world, everyone's a pony, and they all eat rainbows, and poop butterflies." *smiles* *aaaaaaahhhhh*

She is either mildly retarded, or has some form of attention deficit disorder.
Or she is a genius.

Cos she flies.

had a visitor.

haha.
thanks for dropping by, you know who you are.

but no, i am not always sad, though i do carry remnants of it around sometimes.
people have said that sometimes i seem to be infinitely melancholic.

and to me, the sadness serves to remind me.
of many things.

and most importantly, of Him.

my internal reflections are here as you read them.
things i cannot say, things i prefer not to say, things that should not be said.

and maybe because i am so happy externally, and to the point of being high, i need to tip the balance the other way sometimes. hence, the morose and sombreness here.

but that's me.

:)

how He reminds us.

of how transient this life is.
and how fleeting each moment becomes.
and how close we are to the end, without us realising it ourselves.

"By Time that is created,
Verily Man is in clear loss;
Except those who believe, and those who do good,
And those who call others to the way of the Truth, and to the way of patience."
Al-Asr:1-3

obituary

A dear friend's mother passed on tonight.
For those who know Rita Zamzamah,
her mother Hajjah Zabidah Binte Hussein, has just passed away.

Rita asks for your sincere prayers for her mother, and for her family.

May Allah place her soul among those whom He is Well-Pleased with.

Al-Fatihah.

what is unsaid

she stood at the door... and looked at me.
i asked her how she was, and all she managed to whisper was...

"I'm very very sad."

what she must be going through. Oh Allah, what she must be going through.
and all i can do is to hold her, and comfort her in whatever little way i can.

Allah forgive us, if we appear weak in the face of Your trials upon us. But strengthen us with patience and faith, and accept us among those You Favor for being patient and thankful.

there has to be a reason...

why my slippers broke on me today after prayers...
why i scratched my arm against the gate today...
why my food order was misinterpreted by the waiter...
why cik brahim was not around and i had to stay downstairs...

and though i am not wise enough to perhaps see the reasons, i have faith that there are reasons.

and why she had to go through it, i believe, there is a reason as well.
whether we are entitled to understand that reason is yet to be seen.

Allah Does as He Wills.
There are times when the reasons are evident.
And there are also times when it is best to conceal the reason till His servants are more able to comprehend.

No matter what, it is important to have faith that whatever happens, the good and the bad, only serve to make us better people with stronger character. And again, these tests Allah Gives, are not without their rewards. Perhaps that is one way we can comfort ourselves.

Whatever it is, she is not alone.

So have hope. have heart. and heal.

i ken lee... in an effort to wash away the blues.

enjoy!

Oh Gentle One, be gentle with us...

"she refused to open her eyes, as they pushed her out of the fateful room...
but yet her tears flowed continuously, the tears of a broken would-be mother, for her child who will never be."

the news of a pregnancy is always something that lifts the heart of the family. and for newlyweds, it is news of a thousand significance. unless one is a parent himself, one can only imagine the joy that parents get when told of the coming of a newborn. it is the next definite step and milestone to a marriage, to the building upon of the family institution. and it is the truest indication of a future.

so i can only imagine what went through her mind.
and yet, at the same time, i don't want to imagine it.

Allah, give her strength.

And the only prayer i have for her, "Oh Gentle One, be gentle with us..."

i hate myself

i hate myself.
i hate myself.
i hate myself.

now i know

he was still sulking.
but when he needed to ask questions, he would come to me.
by the end of the lesson, he was ok.

i guess kids will be kids.
they cannot take as well as they can give... sarcasm and teasing, what not.

but it was a reminder for me to watch out for my words and conduct towards them.
after all, they are a special lot, deserving special treatment.

sigh.

what did i do now

turned away by a child.
and i seriously dunno what i did wrong.
and he refused to say anything.

forgive me if i had transgressed, for i know not.

on the way.

but i am still a long ways off from being the person i envision myself to be.
a long long way.

events these week have hurt me, and i have taken offence.
parents, relatives, friends.

when i shouldn't. because i want to be the bigger person.
but its not easy.

shaf said to just let it go.

i want to.

in time, it will become easier.

some moments of contemplation

just watched this very interesting documentary on central called cosmic time, where the origin of the universe and the whole concept of time was debated and presented in a truly enlightening fashion. well to cut the long story short, let me just highlight two points that scientists are saying.

1) time is not really eternal, it had a beginning, and will come to an end.
2) stars lose their light and die off after they become supernovas... and then become black holes.
2) the universe as we know it, is not really slowing down at all, and in fact, all parts of it are moving away faster and faster from each other. the big crunch that was purported before this, well, will most likely not happen. rather, it will be a big stretch - all particles will move apart from each other and be broken down.

my take from the documentary serves to reinforce some things in the Muslims' belief system.

1) Time is a concept which is created. Not even time is eternal, and only He Who Created is Eternal. And He is therefore the only One worthy of worship.
2) Everything will come to naught and will be destroyed at the end of time.

For the Muslims, here are the verses which foretells of these scientific findings, which people are only beginning to realise.

Surah Ar-Rahman 55:26-28
26. Whatsoever is on it (the earth) will perish.
27. And the Face of your Lord full of Majesty and Honour will abide forever.
28. Then which of the Blessings of your Lord will you both (jinns and men) deny?

Surah Al-Waqiah 56:5-6
5. And the mountains will be powdered to dust.
6. So that they will become floating dust particles.

Surah At-Takwir 81:1-2
1. When the sun wound round and lost its light and is overthrown.
2. And when the stars shall fall.

Surah Al-Infitaar 82:1-5
1. When the heaven is cleft asunder.
2. And when the stars have fallen and scattered;
3. And when the seas are burst forth;
4. And when the graves are turned upside down (and they bring out their contents)
5. (Then) a person will know what he has sent forward and (what he has) left behind (of good or bad deeds).

Surah Al-Inshiqaaq 84:1-6
1. When the heaven is split asunder,
2. And listens and obeys its Lord, and it must do so;
3. And when the earth is stretched forth,
4. And has cast out all that was in it and became empty,
5. And listens and obeys its Lord, and it must do so;
6. O man! Verily, you are returning towards your Lord with your deeds and actions (good or bad), a sure returning, so you will meet (i.e. the results of your deeds which you did).

masya Allah.

alangkah malangnya

alangkah malangnya orang yang diberi ilmu tetapi tidak memanfaatkannya.
alangkah malangnya orang yang mengajar ilmu tetapi tidak menjalankannya.
alangkah malangnya orang yang tahu betapa dekatnya maut tetapi tidak bersedia untuknya.

Ya Allah, selamatkanlah diriku yang dhaif ini. and perbaikilah diriku menuju kepadaMu.

my beloved grandma

Almarhumah Hajjah Rapiar Binte Rahim Khan Surattee

moga Allah sentiasa mencucuri rahmat ke atas dirinya.

nizar sayang nani.

Al-Fatihah.

Ad-Deen, Sahl!

i may have spoken with less finesse than i expected.
yesterday before class started, i was discussing with some friends about an issue.
and when i gave my opinion on it, one of them said that if i gave an answer like that, then what was the point of coming to class.

looking back, yes, perhaps i should have not added my opinion.

but i did not speak from loftiness.
in fact i thought i spoke because of being grounded.

and this was what i said:

the crux of the matter is, the merits of certain rituals/practices/actions (fadhailul amal) is as an encouragement for the individual to pursue the best way, according to recommendations. at the end of the day, the process of your trying to pursue a best course of action will be judged by none other than Allah, who knows your intentions truly. and by this belief, provided your intentions are true, Allah will reward you with what is promised, and perhaps more - for such is His Generosity.

and i explain it here (though perhaps my mistake was in not explaining it then...):

So while the basis of us seeking knowledge on a certain matter is good, it is not necessarily deemed so, if the point of you seeking knowledge is to set yourself aside from the majority, and to create disagreement by what knowledge you bring, especially if it is not really something which is deemed absolutely important.

case in point - to jama' qasr vs to do a normal jemaah, while on a journey. on one hand, to jama' qasr is a convenience given by Allah to those travelling on a journey, and some scholars consider that it is better to take from what Allah has given to us as a convenience. on the other hand, other scholars feel that it is better to pray the jemaah with the people of the land, because the merits of a jemaah is more encouraged. so the question that was being parlayed was about which side had more merit. And in fact there is no clear resolution to it, because both sides represent accepted opinions of scholars.

what i would say is that if it were more convenient for you to do the jama' qasr, and there does not seem to be a jemaah around, then do it. and if there is a jemaah around, then just join it. it is not that you are being fickle, but it is about what is best fit for you at the time and situation that you find yourself in. and in all instances, dedicate that action to Allah, and let Him be the Judge. the issue of the merit of the action is not even a consideration for me, because it is pointless to think about the merits of it, because all judgement is by Allah. thinking about the merits of it, to me, somehow diminishes the sincerity of what you are doing. what is more important is the sincerity in your carrying out of your worship (ihsan and ikhlas).

maybe as students, we ask. and that is right, as we want to upgrade ourselves.
but as practicing muslims, we should also consider that islam is never burdenful upon us.

the religion is simple.

why do we make it difficult by picking on small issues?

the good and the bad

the bad first.
maybe i have talked too much.
but i hope that i am forgiven on both sides for my speech... because i intended good for it. not harm.
and i hope good comes out of it, not distrust and betrayal.

the good.
may all the actions that are taken lead to a good end.
and may all the efforts expended reach the intended aims.
i am proud too.
and you all should be.

"Whatever of good reaches you is from Allah and whatever of evil befalls you is from yourself."
An-Nisa:79

how true.

Asma'ul Husna

"The Most Beautiful Names belong to Allah: so call upon Him by them..."

Al-A'raf: 180

I especially love the last prayers...

"Oh Most Compassionate, have compassion upon our weaknesses...
Oh Forgiver, forgive our sins...
Oh Concealer, conceal our faults...
Oh Bestower of Honour, honour our Ummah...
Oh Granter of prayers, answer our prayers...

Oh Gentle One, be gentle with us..."

thankful

Mu`awiyah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:

The Messenger of Allah said, "When Allah wishes good for someone, He bestows upon him the understanding of Deen.''

i can only express my thanks to Allah for allowing me the opportunities that i have been given to partake of the Sacred Knowledge.

Oh Allah!

Verily You have given me great blessings with the gift of a sound mind and intact faculties with which i can appreciate the sciences of the Ulumuddin.

Oh Allah!

Let me be among those who benefit from and give benefit to others from the knowledge You have Bestowed.

Oh Allah!

Forgive me by the knowledge that You have Given me, and save me from Your fire.

Oh Allah!

Let me not be among those who disdain and trivialise Your Favours upon us, for without Your Mercy, i will surely perish.

doing the right thing

haiz. did i do the right thing?
sometimes the truth hurts, and sometimes you don't want to hear some things from people.
but i sincerely felt that i needed to say it. because i don't want you to stay that way.

in any case, i apologise if you feel that i was not empathetic.
that i am just one more of those people who do not understand the way you feel.

if you are upset with me, its ok.
but don't be sad for yourself, please.

Allah forgive me, if i have transgressed.

a land called paradise

taken from faiezah's blog. its a beautiful, simple video on how we Muslims are just human after all.

lesson in song

Desir pasir di padang tandus

Segersang pemikiran hati

Terkisah ku di antara cinta yang rumit

Bila keyakinanku datang

Kasih bukan sekadar cinta

Pengorbanan cinta yang agung

Ku pertaruhkan

Maafkan bila ku tak sempurna

Cinta ini tak mungkin ku cegah

Ayat-ayat cinta bercerita

Cintaku padamu

Bila bahagia mulai menyentuh

Seakan ku bisa hidup lebih lama

Namun harus ku tinggalkan cinta

Ketika ku bersujud

Rossa - Ayat-ayat Cinta

cute pandas

you guys won't expect this.
i laughed my butt off.

ayat-ayat cinta (proses of love)

am being superficial here. this is a story about a man who is torn between 4 people. premise of the story is supposed to be touching. hope to be able to catch it. want to read the book first. see the trailer, and you know what i mean.

i hope things turn out

because believe me, i have been trying.
but sometimes the only thing that can make it right is yourself.
so you got to have faith. that things are going to change for the better.
despite how they may look now.

and when you think you got no one else to turn to, turn to yourself to pick yourself up.

and please don't stay sad.

promised an update on the KL trip.

taufiq and zul were my trip buddies by the way.

dr taufiq to the left, and perfusionist zul to the right.

and since it was truly geared towards us eating our hearts out... here's the itinerary we followed over there.

day one lunch: carl jr's. massive burgers. and free top ups. and we each stupidly got a drink. when we could have just shared.

day one dinner: ichiban boshi japanese restaurant. food wasn't that fantastic. but its the experience, neh?

day two lunch: tony roma's. ribs. ribs. RIBSSSSS!!! fantastico!

day two dinner: gaucho's grill. highlight was the espada de gaucho. everything on a sword.

day two supper: kedai mama. can't miss traditional roadside food, can we?

day three lunch: outback steak house. too much meat the past few days, so we decided to share one main course, to the horror of the waiter. he actually asked, "you from singapore?" Dunno what that implied.

day three tea: subway. the sandwich we can't have here.

so there you go, our food extravaganza in KL.

like it or not

again this topic comes up.

yesterday i was quite hurt when someone made a negative response to my overt expression of affection. and it wasn't as if i was excessively showering my love. i just made two statements comprising two words each.

when we were there, i understand if i stepped over your comfortable limits. and i apologised already. but its apparent that you still carry it today. at least that is how i see it. and i am even more saddened because it was really just innocent bantering. and i don't know if what you did was all an act then. 'cos it feels hypocritical to me. when you need me, you cajole me, and coddle me.

else i am just trash.

here i am, having to deal with my feelings, because you cannot retract what you said.
i feel diminished. but at the same time, i refuse to deny caring for you.

i long for the day when i will be emotionally independent, not having to rely on you or anyone else for that matter, to have that sense of self-worth and feel valued. but i will not do so without being able to love freely and truly.

so whether you like me or not for that, if you will not spare a thought for how i feel, at least respect the love that i have.

you, my medicine

salve - the sight of you
doth still my quivering heart
once every week.

brought me to tears

last episode of coffee prince... good.
sarang hae you.

on love...

Love is patient and kind, it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited,

it is never rude or selfish, it does not take offence, nor is it resentful.

Love takes no pleasure in others’ sins but delights in the truth;

it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.

Love does not come to an end.

There are three things that last, faith, hope and love and the greatest of these is love.

coffee prince

"i'll say this, and i'll say this only once. i like you. let's see how far we can go."

blardy sweet ah.

sami yusuf - supplication

further treatises on friendship

retrospect of what you said to me.

On the other side, "a believer is the mirror of his brother" (Abu Daud), and if he sees any faults in the other believer, he draws his attention to it, helps him to give it up and helps him wipe away any evil that he may have. Ibn Hazm said: "Anyone who criticises you cares about your friendship. Anyone who makes light of your faults cares nothing about you."

so keep doing what you do.
because if you do not, i may just fall into my own pitfalls.

and thank you.

haiku

Infinite Sadness,

Bittersweet thoughts of times past.

Together we cry.

from Gratification through Sadness.

had a great 10 minutes conversing in haikus.
not easy.

but here's what transpired.

morning conversation among two haiku-ers.

good morning people, i am messy and smelly, let me shower now.
for sure you do stink, so off to the bathroom stall, with body foam.

do not worry for, i will do so now surely, no more dried up drool
that is of course good, spit on the face is not cool, you look like a fool

wow my friend is good! he has included end rhymes, and called me a fool!
second to none - him, rhyming master of the world, truly a fool - you.

cliche he is though, second to none he maybe, but first of egos - true.
stunned to silence, poor girl naive, innocent, will she be alright?

alas she must go, the sun rise brings a new day, dreams will start anew.
so goodbye dear friend, may the new day bring success, sweet dreams the night 'ere...

alamak i cannot think anymore...
HAHAHA!!!

kenapa?

disappointed today.

blf xlfow szev qfhg glow nv gszg blf dviv hgroo xlnrmt wldm. gsvm r dlfow szev dzrgvw. yfg blf qfhg ovug vevibgsrmt szmtrmt rm gsv zri. hl gszg'h dsb r ovug. ivzoob blf pmld. szra, r zn wrhzkklrmgvw, yfg r droo lmob yv wrhzkklrmgvw uli mlgsrmt... bvg ztzrm.

sabbatical

i am taking a short break to KL.
they tell me to have fun and rest.

will try.

pray that my trip goes smoothly.
catch up with everyone when i get back, insya Allah.

nani

my grandma's not doing too well.
friends, please pray for her health.

update:
apparently, grandma suffered from transient ischaemic attacks since 2006. none of which we picked up. for the uninitiated, that's minor strokes which went undetected.

there was a more significant insult to the brain this morning, resulting in two seizures. the cause of the seizures cannot be properly assessed due to my grandma's weak state and unstable condition, we suspect a variety of causes - a lung infection which spread to the brain, abnormal blood composition due to poor nutrition and ventilation, and MRSA.

however, one effect of it was clear.
grandma is unable to speak now.

frankly speaking, i really feel helpless.
utterly so.

nak kiss?

kiss hot dog.

i can laugh and cry at the same time.
thank you for everything, and for you.

do what you have to do

"the yearning to be near you... i do what i have to do... i know i can't be with you... i do what i have to do...but i have the sense to recognize that i don't know how to let you go..."

what it says

i am not an easy person to love, i guess.
and that is why...

reconciliation of the self

self-deprecation is sometimes the worst thing one can do to oneself.
given that sometimes, you are all you've got.

i think its hard to see it, but you've got to do the things you've got to do, in the way you do it, because you are you.

i will do the things that i do, and i will become the person that i am, because i am me.
and frankly, there is nothing wrong with that.

qalbil khali

today i gave you up again.
against my desires, i gave up the chance to be with you.

and frankly, i don't know whether to feel proud of myself for fighting against myself.
or to feel stupid and regret for that one chance that i may never have again.

the feeling inside me now... the emptiness... i'd rather be torn apart, so that the emptiness will not exist.

the pain of love. the pain of love. the pain of love.

Its You... its You

Habib Ali Al-Jifri - The Prophetic Mirror

masya Allah. tergenang air-mata mendengarkan dia.

prayer

how we all can feel sometimes, right, Uan?
Disturbed - Prayer - Music Video - The most popular videos are here

poetic truth

"We all aspire to the same goal: to worship God in a way that satisfies us and that pleases the Lord.

Looking at it in this way provides a basis for all people of faith to find common cause and find a way to achieve harmony and to work.

It is like we are all together inside a big black box with many pinholes along the exterior.

We look out and see pinpoints of light shining in.

Each person picks one source of light and says ' that is the one I follow'.

But outside the box, there is only one sun shining."

-- Shyakh Hisham Kabbani (of Naqshbandi Haqqani Sufi Order) in an interview with the Middle East Quarterly in 2000. The above quote, so beautifully put, has been taken from an article 'Sufi antidote to religious terrorism' by Mafoot Simon, The Straits Times, 12 September 2006.

note to self.

things to write about:

inspirez plans
iktishaaf 2007
new year celebrations

happy today

many things happened.
and i don't really know why.
maybe you read my blog is it?

but in any case.

i am very happy today.
and i feel... loved.

and i thank you.

i know...

that i am getting irritating to some people.
and i apologise if somehow i have offended any of you.

but today i also sensed a change.
and i wonder... am i really that loathsome?

why did you agree to give me what i had asked for?
if i ask for it again, will i get it?
or have things changed so much, that i am no longer that important or needed?

was it because then, it was the probability of not meeting again?
or was that something that you do with all new relationships in order to "ensnare"?
because, truly, i thought that i had a special place.

but i guess not, right?

so the relationship is burning out. i am not imagining it.

yang lebih mulia

tetapi, di dalam bidang Sufi, sesungguhnya, seseorang yang dipergunakan itu lebih mulia daripada orang yang menggunakan. kerana orang yang dipergunakan memenuhi keperluan orang yang lain daripada dirinya, sementara orang yang menggunakan, memenuhi keperluan dirinya sendiri.

ditukil cerita Sufi agung, Abu Yazid Al-Bistami (q)...

Abu Yazid dalam kezuhudan perjalanan keruhaniannya telah diperintahkan untuk menjadi umpama bekas dimana segala keperluan warga desanya dipikulnya sendiri demi mencari keredhaan Allah. Begitu berat beban yang ditanggungnya, hingga pada suatu hari dia pun rebah akibat keletihan jasmani dan batini. warga desanya pun menghumbankannya di himpunan sampah, kerana dianggap sudah tidak bernyawa lagi. Mereka tidak kisah untuk menguruskannya atau menjaganya, meskipun Abu Yazid telah berkhidmat sepenuh hatinya untuk mereka.

Walhal, Allah Maha Pemurah, dan disebabkan kemurahan hati Abu Yazid dan kerelaannya untuk berkhidmat kepada orang ramai demi Allah, maka dia diberikan kedudukan yang cukup mulia dan istimewa disisi Allah.

khidmat yang ikhlas demi keperluan yang lain dari kita, dan diniatkan kepada Allah - cara yang baik untuk meniti jalan menuju ma'rifatullah.

moga aku diberikan kesabaran dan keikhlasan serupa dengan Abu Yazid (q) dalam aku meniti hidupku ini, lebih-lebih lagi di masa aku memberi khidmat kepada yang lain.

sebagai insan biasa

sebagai manusia, memang menjadi lumrah dalam perhubungan dua-hala, di mana kadangkala, kita dipergunakan, dan kadangkala, kita menggunakan. tetapi tidak semua yang rela dipergunakan, walaupun lazimnya, ramai yang lebih selesa menggunakan. pada amnya, kita tidak begitu menitik-beratkan sama ada kita memegang watak sebagai pengguna, atau yang diguna, lebih-lebih lagi jika perhubungan itu perhubungan yang kita anggap berharga. malah disebabkan tingginya nilai yang kita padankan dengan perhubungan itu, kita mungkin lebih rela untuk dipergunakan.

tetapi setiap orang mempunyai tahap ketegaan yang tertentu. dan mungkin ada masa-masa di mana seseorang menghadapi tekanan akibat memegang watak yang diguna. dan ini mungkin menyebabkan tergugatnya keseimbangan perhubungan itu.

mujur, kesudahan seperti ini dapat dielakkan dengan mudah sekali - memberi penghargaan melalui gaya dan tingkah, serta ucapan yang menggembirakan. walaupun orang yang diguna mungkin tidak memerlukannya, ini adalah salah sebuah adab perhubungan yang amat digalakkan, kerana ia menjamin kebahagiaan di antara semua pihak, dan kerelaan dalam pemberian.

khas buat cik betty

kindly perform these exercises, while practicing good breathing.

before you move into the pose, take a deep breath.

then as you move into the different postures, breath out.

when you assume the final posture, breath in and out, and hold the pose for 10-15 seconds each time.

other things you can do, get proper back support for when you are sitting, and lying down. may want to consider getting a lumbar belt to help support.

Images excerpted from

http://www.yogacards.com/images-4/asana-card1-L.jpg

http://www.yogacards.com/images-4/asana-card2-L.jpg

the urge to study

never thought that the want to get my degree would be so strong.

my educational aims changed drastically the past few months.

first, i thought that getting the degree was not so important.
hence i was aiming to gain my 2 years of working experience, and then go straight for the master-level degree.

and i was also aiming to complete my doctoral thesis in the field.

and then i was advised to get my basic degree, and then consider taking a masters in a related field, so that my portfolio would be more diverse, and that my value would increase not only in OT, but also in other health-related industries.

these would of course have to be done overseas.

and then the local off shore programme came up, providing a possible cheap avenue to get my degree - but we were advised not to jump onto the boat too soon. so i held back.

and suddenly, a new call came, citing possible certification processes in the near future that may require us all to have degrees to be able to practice in the country. and the whole dilemma starts again.

if i had to spend money, i want to make sure that its money well-spent. although there are many programmes, the choices available to us currently don't quite appeal to me... so i am still more keen to wait for better options...

but a degree's a degree. the money comes back after the degree is obtained. if there is no other value, then i must seriously consider the fact that a degree holder earns roughly $1k more than me. and frankly, that IS enough value. sigh.

and today i just got to know of a programme that may offer something even more, a degree with honours, and a double major deal. i have written in, and i hope that it comes back favourably.

and then the other problem comes, about the other classes which i have already signed up to take with friends. duniawi dikejarkan, ukhrawi ke mana?

i just hope that the right decisions are made.

as i lie awake.

In the still of the night…

Trembled the solitary soul
Hollowed by the experiences he has had to face
In this journey called life
Never once expecting what was to come, or
Knowing how things will turn out…

Weeping quietly,
Eternal tears.

Arraigned in robes of broken hopes
Rekindled, only to be
Extinguished, once more, and once again

For whom does he yearn,
A friend who takes him for who he is?
Loving in spite of flaws,
Listening to what is not said,
Instinctive and intuitive,
Not ever, ever taking him for granted
Graced by perfect manners, and guided.

Although, such is but a fantasy
Pierced by the harsh reality that is human
And what is human is never perfect
Ragged and rough, the edges of being…
That leaves the soul but shreds of… dreams, unachievable.

afterthoughts

did not go as well as i expected.
messy.
disjointed.
many things with loose ends untied.

Zmw gl hlnv vcgvmg rg uvvoh orpv kvlkov ziv mlg hvirlfh zylfg rg - vrgsvi gszg gsvb ziv xlmurwvmg gszg gsrmth droo gfim lfg dvoo, li gsvb ziv qfhg kozrm rmvckvirvmxvw. Yfg R hszoo hgroo slow nb glmtfv, yvxzfhv R szev gl. Qfhg wl dszg R szev gl wl gl gsv yvhg R xzm, zmw xlmgiryfgv dszg R xzm. 'Xlh ivzoob gszg rh zoo gszg R xzm wl.

incoherent?
i know. i feel just as messed up inside.
dunno what to feel, or what to think anymore.

bye bye to these people

farewell was due last week. but here goes anyways.

abdullah left for canada, moussa left for france, and nu'man left for hajj.

astaudi'ukumullaha dinakum, wa amanatakum, wa khawatimu 'amalakum.

fi amanillah ikhwani, wa ilal liqa'.

the art of restraint

It really is easy to get yourself all worked up.
And while there are sometimes legitimate causes to it, the degree of the response can be overwrought.

And the ego pushes you to build upon that response, inciting it with more and more negative energy, until you become blinded to the fact that it is really not a big deal.

Which is why the art of self-restraint is so necessary.

It was so hard holding my tongue just now, because I was so annoyed.
And it was hard not saying what I really felt like saying. Literally fighting with my self to shut up, even though I was straining inside to bring up the issue just because I wanted to be sarcastic.

Look at that, I just wanted to be able to express my sarcasm. And I had to fight to shut up.

"A servant unthinkingly says something pleasing to Allah Most High for which Allah raises him whole degrees. And a servant unthinkingly says something detested by Allah Most High for which he plunges into hell."

Astaghfirullah.

I think I have caused others enough pain with what I say.

I will be held accountable for what I do.

I better start being more aware, and to restrain myself.

May Allah grant me mercy.

In memory of the Singapore rowers

validation

everyone needs a little validation now and then.

in fact, life is one huge process of validation.
you act, someone acknowledges, and you respond further to that acknowledgment.

in itself, that is validation.
the affirmation that a certain action that you take has value to someone else.

validation is therefore important as a social reinforcer, and as a nurturer of what we deem as appropriate actions and responses. the importance of validation is seen in many social theories, and is a primary backbone to Erikson's psychosocial dissertation. people build themselves up from childhood all the way to adulthood through the process of positive and negative validations.

hence relationships, any relationships, are a product of some sort of validation process. constant validation is needed to ensure that all parties in the relationship are a part of, rather than apart from. consider working in a group, and you do a mass email. some reply and some don't. for those who replied, it is a direct signal and validation that they have processed the email (positive validation). for those who don't, you are not too sure if they feel strongly, or even have read the email (negative validation).

so we begin to see that in building relationships, validation remains crucial to ensuring the relationship works. many a times, we quarrel and disagree, because there is a lack of validation.
one party perceives a lack of affirmation, and based on certain social rules and norms, judges that situation to be uncharacteristic of a good relationship. cumulative effects from multiple incidents may result in a biased analysis, and cause disharmony.

point in note - everyone needs a little validation now and then. do not take things for granted.

last raya photo for the year

still not over it? ermmmm...

just one last one.

the 6th annual ri boys gathering at abu sufian's.

I think there are about 5 batches in the photo above. our record was a good 7 batches i think.

haha.

the story of layla and majnun

Follow Your Heart: The Story of Layla and Majnun

By J. T. Coker

Layla and Majnun have been characters for Sufi poets, as Krishna was for the poets of India. Majnun means absorption into a thought and Layla means the night of obscurity. The story is from beginning to end a teaching on the path of devotion, the experience of the soul in search of God. -- Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan

The story of Layla and Majnun is one of the most popular in the Islamic world, enduring in legends, tales, poems, songs, and epics from the Caucasus to Africa and from the Atlantic to the Indian Ocean. Scholars find good reasons to believe that the central character -- Qays, nicknamed Majnun (Madman) -- lived in northern Arabia in the second half of the seventh century, five hundred years before the poet Nizami. At the behest of the Transcaucasian chieftain Shervanshah, Nizami collected many of the widely dispersed traditional versions and wove them into his great narrative poem.

No one knows the number of translations of Nizami's work in the many languages encompassed by Islamic religious culture, but at least forty Persian and thirteen Turkish versions are known, and one scholar states that there are actually over a hundred versions in those two languages alone. An English translation appeared in 1836 which relied on an incomplete text with later additions by lesser poets (this text was used by Eric Clapton in the late 1970s for certain lyrics on his recording Layla and Other Love Songs). The translation by Dr. Rudolf Gelpke [The Story of Layla and Majnun by Nizami, trans. and ed. by Dr. Rudolf Gelpke, English version in collaboration with E. Mattin and G. Hill, Omega Publications, New Lebanon, NY, 1997; all page references are to this edition] published originally in 1966, offers insights into medieval Arabic culture and mores. Though cast in prose, poetry lovers will catch fulfilling glimpses of Nizami's poetic and mystic genius. Moreover, the Omega edition includes the work's final chapter, translated by Zia Inayat Khan and Omid Safi.

The story begins with the Sayyid, a man of wealth, power, and prestige, desiring a son and heir. He importunes Allah, who grants his request. The beauty of his son Qays "grew to perfection. As a ray of light penetrates the water, so the jewel of love shone through the veil of his body." At the age of ten, Qays goes to school and meets his kismet/fate, Layla. "Does not 'Layl' mean 'night' in Arabic? And dark as the night was the color of her hair." Love struck them both; others noticed, tongues wagged, and Qays first tastes bitterness. He refrains from seeing her, but his heart breaks and he begins to slip into melancholy. Layla's tribe, to protect her (and their) honor, deny her right to see him, and he falls into madness: "A madman he became -- but at the same time a poet, the harp of his love and of his pain."

In time Majnun runs away into the wilderness, becoming unkempt, not knowing good from evil. His father takes him on pilgrimage to Mecca, to seek God's help in freeing him, but Majnun strikes the Kaaba and cries "none of my days shall ever be free of this pain. Let me love, oh my God, love for love's sake, and make my love a hundred times as great as it was and is!" He continues to wander "like a drunken lion," chanting poems of Layla's beauty and his love. Many come to hear him. Some write down the poems he spontaneously speaks.

Meanwhile, Layla holds their love quietly so none will know she lived between the water of her tears and the fire of her love, . . .

Yet her lover's voice reached her. Was he not a poet? No tent curtain was woven so closely as to keep out his poems. Every child from the bazaar was singing his verses; every passer-by was humming one of his love-songs, bringing Layla a message from her beloved . . .
Refusing suitors, she writes answers to his poems and casts them to the wind.

It happened often that someone found one of these little papers, and guessed the hidden meaning, realizing for whom they were intended. Sometimes he would go to Majnun hoping to hear, as a reward, some of the poems which had become so popular. . . .

Thus many a melody passed to and fro between the two nightingales, drunk with their passion.

Eventually Layla is married to another, but refuses conjugality. Being in love, her husband accepts her condition of an outward marriage only. Majnun learns of the marriage and of her faithfulness. Neither his father nor his mother, when near death, can induce him to return to his people. Wild animals, loving rather than fearing him, congregate in his presence, protecting him. One night Majnun prays to Allah, thanking Him for making him the pure soul he now is and asking God's grace. He sleeps, and in his dream a miraculous tree springs from the desert, from which a bird drops a magic jewel onto his head, like a diadem.

An old man, Zayd, helps Layla and Majnun to exchange letters and finally to meet, though she cannot approach him closer than ten paces. Majnun spontaneously recites love poetry to her, and at dawn they go their separate ways.

Nizami asks:
"For how long then do you want to deceive yourself? For how long will you refuse to see yourself as you are and as you will be? Each grain of sand takes its own length and breadth as the measure of the world; yet, beside a mountain range it is as nothing. You yourself are the grain of sand; you are your own prisoner. Break your cage, break free from yourself, free from humanity; learn that what you thought was real is not so in reality. Follow Nizami: burn but your own treasure, like a candle -- then the world, your sovereign, will become your slave."

After the death of Layla's husband, she openly mourns her love for Majnun, and dies shortly thereafter. Majnun hears of her death and, mad with grief, repeatedly visits her tomb. He dies and is buried beside his beloved.

In a dream, Zayd, who tends their joint grave, has a vision of them in paradise, where an ancient soul tells him:

"These two friends are one, eternal companions. He is Majnun, the king of the world in right action. And she is Layla, the moon among idols in compassion. In the world, like unpierced rubies they treasured their fidelity affectionately, but found no rest and could not attain their heart's desire. Here they suffer grief no more. So it will be until eternity. Whoever endures suffering and forebears in that world will be joyous and exalted in this world."

On waking Zayd realized that:

"Whoever would find a place in that world must tread on the lusts of this world. This world is dust and is perishable. That world is pure and eternal. . . . Commit yourself to love's sanctuary and at once find freedom from your ego. Fly in love as an arrow towards its target. Love loosens the knots of being, love is liberation from the vortex of egotism. In love, every cup of sorrow which bites into the soul gives it new life. Many a draft bitter as poison has become in love delicious. . . . However agonizing the experience, if it is for love it is well."

So ends Nizami's poetic narrative of the story of Layla and Majnun, but to really appreciate and understand this work, it needs to be read, and savored, in full. Is their story a medieval soap opera of epic proportions? It is, if that's what your heart hears. Is it a cautionary tale inculcating acceptance of earthly injustice and suffering in the Islamic faithful, who will be rewarded in the great by-and-by? It will surely serve, if that's your concern. Is Majnun "Man" and Layla "Soul," suffering because denied union while bounded by flesh? Yes, if your concern, your love, leads you to hear it that way. Is it an allegorical Sufi text, instructing seekers in practical means for awakening to the supernal reality of their true, spiritual nature? Only our hearts know for sure -- Nizami bids us follow them.

(From Sunrise magazine, June/July 2000; copyright © 2000 Theosophical University Press)
from: http://www.theosophy-nw.org/theosnw/world/mideast/mi-jcok.htm

in the words of mother theresa

I have found the paradox

That if I love until it hurts,

Then there is no hurt,

Only more love.

exercising my right to a fair treatment

all i would like to say is that, i have had enough of being used and made use of.
all these while, it has really been me giving others the benefit of the doubt, or coming up with reasonable excuses to explain their behaviour. and then giving myself reason to continue contributing.

i have had to be patient, considerate, empathetic and understanding.

but no one gives two hoots about how things are on my side, how i feel being on this end of the line.

that was my retaliation, if you did not know.
i was just exercising my right to being treated as fairly as i feel i should.

i am a person too.
i hate it when people diminish the value of my love for them, by taking me for granted.
and i hate it when my love for them diminishes, when i know they take me for granted.

for the record

we know what has happened and what is happening.

and frankly i pity both.

for sure i can ask that she be alleviated from her suffering. and i have.
and i can also ask that the cruel be given a fitting retribute.

but it appears that the cruel is far weaker than the one being oppressed.
and this is not clear to the one oppressing.

so rather than ask for a similar recompense, i ask that she be given strength to stand up for herself.

and i also ask that he be given the strength to accept his own weaknesses and to stand up for himself, without depending on her.

i recalled the friday sermon today, and i remembered a hadith mentioned. and i felt that it was very fitting for the above situation.

It is narrated on the authority of Abu Musa Ash'ari: I asked the Messenger of Allah (peace be unto him) which (attribute) of Islam is more excellent. Upon this he (pbuh) remarked: One in which the Muslims are safe, protected from the tongue and hand of (other Muslims).

I just pray that this situation improves, and that both become free from their respective shackles that bind them to a doomed course.

as logical as it is.

its not quite a good feeling being who i am.
and knowing the things i do.
because i am able to justify things for everyone else.

there is always a logical reason, always a pseudo-excuse to cover up and explain the actions of others.

"of course people won't pay much attention to you. they have so many other things to think about, to plan for. their lives move ahead even when yours remain stagnated you know. you don't have to think about these things because you are still uncommitted, unbirdled and unfettered by the demands that press others into motion, things that need handling in this current time. yes nizar you are not the center of the universe, things do not orbit around you. people have priorities, and you have got to realise, you are not one of them. so can you blame them?"

yes i can.
because i don't think it takes much to make me feel needed or remembered.

selfish? i know.
but i couldn't care less.

just because there is a justification, does not mean that i will listen to reason.

to err is human, to forgive divine

so the saying goes.

that as humans, to make mistakes is but an entitlement we have.
for we are given wills, desires, ability to choose and take action, emotions... all of which influence the outcomes of our lives, and the circumstances we find ourselves in.

and to forgive is not even our place, because only the Creator has that right to forgive His creation.

we should not even contemplate holding a grudge, not even contemplate being angry, not even contemplate having to forgive someone, because we are not infallible ourselves. at another time, at another place, it might be us committing the very same deed which others commit towards us.

forgiveness should come as naturally as breathing.
forgiveness should flow like the day flows into night.

when a deed is committed, anger is but fleeting, and the thought to forgive should immediately be a consequent, and forgiveness and letting go from that point on.

it is hard to do.
really hard to do.
for a mere human like me.

on gratitude

Jalaluddin Rumi, discourse 48:

Gratitude is a hunting and a shackling of benefits. When you hear the voice of gratitude, you get ready to give more. When God loves a servant He afflicts him; if he endures with fortitude, he chooses him; if he is grateful, He elects him. Some men are grateful to God for His wrathfulness and some are grateful to Him for His graciousness. Each of the two classes is good; for gratitude is a sovereign antidote, changing wrath into grace. The intelligent and perfect man is he who is grateful for harsh treatment, both openly and in secret; for it is he whom God has elected. If God's will be the bottom reach of Hell, by gratitude His purpose is hastened.

For outward complaining is a diminution of inward complaining. Muhammad said, peace be upon him, 'I laugh as I slay.' That means, 'My laughing in the face of him who is harsh to me is a slaying of him.' The intention of laughter is gratitude in the place of complaining.

It is related that a certain Jew lived next door to one of the Companions of God's Messenger. This Jew lived in an upper room, whence descended into the Muslim's apartment all kinds of dirt and filth, the piddle of his children, the water his clothes were washed in. Yet the Muslim always thanked the Jew, and bade his family do the same. So things continued for eight years, until the Muslim died. Then the Jew entered his apartment, to condole with the family, and saw all the filth there, and how it issued from his upper room. So he realised what had happened during the past years, and was exceedingly sorry, and said to the Muslim's household, 'Why on earth didn't you tell me? Why did you always thank me? they replied, 'Our father used to bid us be grateful, and chided us against ceasing to be grateful.' So the Jew became a believer.


The mentioning of virtuous men
Encourages to virtue then,
Just as the minstrel with his song.
Urges the wine to pass along.


For this reason God has mentioned in the Koran His prophets and those of His servants who were righteous, and thanked them for what they did unto Him who is All-powerful and All-forgiving.

Gratitude for sucking the breast is a blessing. Though the breast be full, until you suck it the milk does not flow.

Someone asked: What is the cause of ingratitude, and what is that prevents gratitude?

The Master answered: The preventer of gratitude is inordinate greed. For whatever a man may get, he was greedy for more than that. It was inordinate greed that impelled him to that, so that when he got less than what he had set his heart upon his greed prevented him from being grateful. So he was heedless of his own defect, and heedless also of the defect and adulteration of the coin he proffered.

Raw and inordinate greed is like eating raw fruit and raw bread and raw meat; inevitably it generates sickness and begets ingratitude. When a man realises that he has eaten something unwholesome, a purge becomes necessary. God most High in His wisdom makes him suffer through ingratitude so that he may be purged and rid of that corrupt conceit, lest that one sickness become a hundred sicknesses.


"And we tried them with good things and evil,
that haply they should return."


That is to say: We made provision for them from whence they had never reckoned, namely the unseen world, so that their gaze shrinks form beholding the secondary causes, which are as it were partners to God. It was in this sense that Abú Yazid said, 'Lord, I have never associated any with Thee.' God most High said, 'O Abú Yazid, not even on the night of the milk? You said one night, "The milk has done me harm." It is I who do harm, and benefit.' Abú Yazid has looked at the secondary cause, so that God reckoned him a polytheist and said, 'It is I do harm, after the milk and before the milk; but I made the milk for a sin, and the harm for a correction such as a teacher administers.'

When the teacher says, 'Don't eat the fruit,' and the pupils eats it, and the teacher beats him on the sole of his foot, it is not right for the pupil to say, 'I ate the fruit and it hurt my foot.' On this basis, whoso preserves his tongue from ascribing partners to God, God undertakes to cleanse his spirit of the weeds of polytheism. A little with God is much.

The difference between giving praise and giving thanks is that thanks are given for benefits received. One does not say, 'I gave thanks to him for his beauty and his bravery.' Praisegiving is more general.

in response to your sms: a prayer

O God!

I ask you,

By Your knowledge of the Unseen,

And Your control over the creation:

Give me life as long as You know that life is best for me,

And take me when death is best for me.

O God!

I also ask of You fear of You, in secret and in open;

I ask of You the word of Truth and justice in anger and in pleasure;

I ask of You moderation in poverty and affluence;

I ask of You joy which does not fade;

I ask of You pleasure which does not pass away, nor that which ceases;

I ask of You contentment with Your decree;

I ask of You coolness of life after death;

I ask of You the delight of looking towards Your Face;

And I ask of You eagerness towards meeting You, not in harmful adversity, nor in misleading afflictions.

O God!

Adorn us with the decoration of faith, and make us those who guide and are guided.

of friendship

"Never underestimate the power and beauty of love in friendship, for in friendship can be found many things. The first is an unconditional acceptance - flaws and perfections live side by side and may be judged equally and equally disregarded. There may also be found an understanding - understanding that allows us to be who we are and who we will be - and who we need to be at that moment on our chosen pathway. There is a freedom within the love of friendship that allows us to simply 'be'. Friendship discovered to be true and therefore loving is precious, gentle and kind. There is give and take on both sides and friendship must be a partnership. Sometimes a true friend will step back, yet they will always be there. If we have an equal partnership we will accept this, knowing that our friend is still there, ready if we need them as we are for them. So it is with spirit. We are here, accepting unconditionally, supporting when support is needed, stepping back as needed to allow freedom of development of spirit and therefore spiritual progression. Our friendship, as with any other friendship, is unconditional, unwavering and timeless.

In a friendship there can be found a love that blossoms, helps us grow, nourishes and nurtures us so that we feel valued and loved, cared for and needed - we know that if we are needed we are loved - for it is as important to be needed as it is to have a friend when we need them. Again, it must be an equal partnership.

Often when love is lost it is because the friendship was lacking - for all based on love must first be based on friendship. Friendship lays the foundations for a strong and lasting relationship. In the roots of friendship can be found trust, strength, companionship and tolerance. These too are the foundations of a true and lasting relationship between two people.

For true and pure friendship we can do no better than to follow the example of a child. A child's friendship knows no boundaries and does not measure worth as wealth, colour, creed or belief. It knows only laughter, fun, happiness and freedom. In true friendship can be found hope, faith and expression.

All in love is friendship and all in friendship is love."

Quoted from Spirit-Path

it takes two hands to clap, doesn't it? but i feel no motivation for reasons i will not say.

maybe we have reached that stage where it doesn't matter that we don't talk anymore. because some things are just taken for granted right?

but from where i am, its just the beginning of the end.

but then again, its not that you see it the way i do, or bother to see it the way i do.

PDAs

i pride myself in loving my friends.
and i pride myself in not being ashamed of showing people how i feel.
and especially when it comes to those whom i love, hugs are just commonplace.

for those who are especially especially loved, i humble myself before them even more, even if they are younger than me.

but i think some people tak suka.
kadang-kadang kasi muka. tapi actually tak suka.

but what i do is simply an expression of my deep attachment to you.
but again, if you do not like it, tell me, as some have. and i will try to stop.
try.

although i hope you won't.
because to some extent, it would be to me a refutation of the love i feel.
and there is hurt.

to the blazes with my diet

thursday: carousel
friday: fish and co.
saturday: 8 houses for raya - each with food.
sunday: open house, and 3 houses for raya - each with food.

tak makan, orang kata sombong, tak sudi.
makan lah makan.

of age and naivete

not that i am harping on the issue, for those who know. just that i did want to write about it but just never got around to writing.

and so we went out that day.
and i was already jittery about the fiscal issues.

she came, met the one she intended to, and said she wanted to leave.

but she did not.

instead, she went to "survey" the place.
and came back with a plate of food.

and i was like *gasp*

i did not know if she was aware of what she was doing.
or that she was just being amazingly uncultured.

and she repeated the above twice.

i mean, we already extended an invitation to sit down and eat with us.
you said no.
but you still went to take the food.

this was not an open house you know.
this was a place of fine dining, where people were expected to conduct themselves with a certain level of etiquette. and there you were, your chirpy little self, acting oblivious to the demands of the place.

at least her companion had enough etiquette to refrain.

which is why the question begs itself: does the exuberance of youth exempt one from behaving in a civil manner?

in order not to feel any anger, i just attributed the whole incident to her being a naive little girl.
but i am still annoyed.

it's ok, she is still young... sheesh.

raya macam orang giler.

this year raya was mad. started from the first weekend after raya... and actually still haven't ended. and given that we have the whole month, who could blame us?

a million houses gone, and a million more to go.

but here are some memories of this year... for now. haha.

kiter-kiter nyer outing.

inspirez part 1

inspirez part 2

inspirez part 3

"fahmy's gathering"

juniors from nyp.

friends from camp.

the professionals.

its so easy...

to hurt someone.

by what you say, or choose not to say.
by what you do, or choose not to do.
by what you know, or choose not to know.

by who you are, or who you aren't.
by how you are, or how you aren't.

the littlest deeds, the simplest comments.
or the lack thereof.

and only those who go through it can know the pain it causes.

its unimaginable

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

Face down in the dirt she said, "this doesn't hurt,"
she says, "I finally had enough.."

i dedicate this song to you. and may God give you the strength and courage you need to step away and stand for yourself.

mad cap saturday

20th october. madness redefined.

events:

auntie's open house
sister's open house
2 friends' open house
ntu raya outing to 6 houses
inspirez mini raya outing
ri mini raya outing

all to happen within the span of 12 hours.

tell me how to do it.

haha.

started at abu's. abang din drove dad's car to fetch fathiah, dropped motor off at my place. at abu's met din adri adlin uan. then went to my sister's place, met alfi filzah fadiah there. then went to abang din's. met hafiz there. hafiz took over dad's car, dropped motor off at my place. abang din fetch his motor and left. went to uan's. met yanto there. party split into two - to adri's and junlin's. hafiz drove me uan fath to junlin's. met naz fifi fhar nisa and nas there. then junlin drove to ferhan's. met shah and ferhan. then off to shasha's. then went home. uan drove to his place, then hafiz drove to fath's and to mine. parked car, and he left for home.

cancelled appointment with 2 groups.

but it was all good.

despite the crazy schedule, the bulk of us maintained the sanity to complete the rounds. wee!

but it was crazy. i will endeavour to learn to say no. so that i don't get crazy.
and i feel sad about something. but only i will feel sad about it.

alone

Could it be just a passing thing…
This feeling inside… that once caused me to sing,
But now cold and empty, to every last strand of hope I cling…

Could it be just a silly thing…
That those actions I took to preserve that which I am still dreaming
But the reality of which leaves me grasping… at nothing.

Why did you once hold me, with such fervour and strength?
With such emotion and depth?
Or… was I merely mistaking what you were not thinking yourself?

Was I merely imagining that there was something… when in fact something was really only anything to my wanting self?

Last night, I could not feel you…
Even though I held you close.
Last night, as much as I needed you…
I knew it was someone else you wanted the most.

So love all I may, but that love is my own.
Because to you, I am nothing more than the fallen leaf, away by the wind, it is blown, alone.

selamat menyambut aidilfitri

selamat hari raya semua.

let this dream be true

had a good dream as i slept last night.
and all i can say was that there could not be anything more that i can ask for, if that dream were true. and how truly blessed it is to have come on the last night.

doakan mimpi nizar menjadi kenyataan.

last night of ramadhan

it came so suddenly, and about to leave just as unexpectedly.
may this Ramadhan be a blessing and expiation from the sins of the past, and may You permit me to meet another Ramadhan in the year ahead, Amin.

as i was heard this song, i suddenly realised how it related so much to my experience of Ramadhan this year. and how even in the most unexpected places, you hear prayers to the Almighty. this song is entitled Stand Inside Your Love, by the Smashing Pumpkins. And as i recalled the lyrics, i just thought about how it read to me, as a muslim in this blessed month.

"You and me...meant to be
Immutable, impossible
It's destiny, pure lunacy
Incalculable, insufferable"

This first verse spoke to me of the nature of the human soul, created in a state of fitrah, destined to seek a higher purpose of knowing the Almighty and to submit to His Greatness - a nature which cannot be changed, or denied, across the span of time and space.

The fitrah is the natural inclination to worship God alone, and it includes compliance with what God and His Messenger explained to be from the characteristics of fitrah. The acts of fitrah are specific features which God has created in man and found within his natural tendency to like as well as to dislike what contradicts these acts. The great Islamic scholar al-Sayyuti said: "The best explanation of fitrah is that it is the Sunnah (way) of all of the Prophets which is in agreement with (all of) the revealed Laws, indicating that it is a response to naturally created inclinations. In the Holy Quran, Almighty God, the Most High and Exalted, has identified the pure fitrah with which He created mankind:

"So set your purpose for religion as a man upright (hanifan) by nature (fitrah) - the nature (fitrah) framed by God, in which He created mankind. There is no altering (the Laws of ) the creation of God." (Holy Qur'an Chapter 30, Verse 30)

"But for the last time
You're everything that I want and ask for
You're all that I'd dreamed
Who wouldn't be the one You Love
Who wouldn't stand inside Your Love
Protected and the lover of "

The second verse reflects a dialogue between the 'abid and his Lord. In complete submission, and in true worship, what better prayer and wish can one have... than to be one who is in his Lord's Pleasure and Love, and receiving His Protection, on the day when no one else can protect save Him. and as i reflect this last night of Ramadhan, a blessed month where prayers are answered, it may be the last time that i may be allowed to make this cry to Him in this month, for who knows of my destiny...

"A pure soul and beautiful - you
Don't understand, don't feel me now
I will breathe for the both of us
Travel the world, traverse the skies
Your home is here within my heart"

According to Abu Hurairah, the Holy Messenger said:"God says, 'My servant becomes closer to Me by performing those deeds which are obligatory on him. And he gets close to Me through constant observance of optional (nafila) prayer until he becomes My beloved. When he becomes My beloved, I become his ears through which he hears, his eyes through which he sees, and his hand with which he holds, and his feet with which he walks." In repentance, in contemplation of creation, and in submission, the 'abid returns to his original self of fitrah and does not seek any other purpose aside from his Lord. And when the Lord accepts him in that state, the 'abid is fully provided for, for the Lord Sees to his every need and is well-pleased with his every deed.

"And for the first time
I feel as though I am reborn in my mind
Recast as child and mystic sage,
Who wouldn't be the one you love
Who wouldn't stand inside your love"

and the gift of ramadhan to the believer is the expiation of sins of the past, and state of rebirth, where the slate of actions is wiped clean. Narrated Abu Huraira (Volume 3, Book 31, Number 125): The Prophet said, "Whoever established prayers on the night of Qadr out of sincere faith and hoping for a reward from Allah, then all his previous sins will be forgiven; and whoever fasts in the month of Ramadan out of sincere faith, and hoping for a reward from Allah, then all his previous sins will be forgiven."

and for those whom have been blessed, the month also gives a state of heightened spiritual awareness, where the experience of ramadhan goes beyond just the physical realm, but allows the 'abid to understand and perceive the hidden hikmahs.

"And for the first time
I'm telling you how much I need and bleed for
Your every move and waking sound
In my time
I'll wrap my wire around your heart and your mind
You're mine forever now"

the 'abid becomes aware of how much he needs Ramadhan as a guide for his own journey towards his Lord, and how much Ramadhan has given him. The blessings of the month is worth more than all the luxuries in the world, where each deed is multiplied, by the Lord's grace. and the 'abid realises how his own weaknesses will draw him down in the time to come, when Ramadhan leaves him, and he cries for a firm resolution to be set upon his heart on this final night, that his weaknesses leave him, and that Ramadhan has made him a better person.

why i posted the previous 2 posts

nizar rasa nizar cukup bertuah.
kerana mendapat nikmat sahabat yang mengajak kepada kebaikan, dan sahabat yang menuntun kepada keredhaan Allah.

Alhamdulillah, merupakan ucapan yang penuh makna, yang cukup berat ertinya, memanjatkan syukur kepada Allah atas kelebihan yang diberikan. dan cukup sekadar Alhamdulillah, untuk menyampaikan isi hati yang tidak dapat digambarkan betapa gembiranya, dan perasaan betapa beruntungnya atas pemberian ini.

Alhamdulillah.

"Ya Allah, sesungguhnya Engkaulah yang Maha Mengetahui bahawa hati-hati (orang-orang yang dibayangkan) ini, telah berhimpun di atas dasar kecintaan terhadapmu, bertemu di atas ketaatan kepada-Mu, bersatu lagi memikul beban dakwah-Mu. Hati-hati ini telah mengikat persetiaan untuk menolong meninggikan syariat-Mu. Oleh itu, Ya Allah, Engkau perkukuhkan ikatannya dan Engkau kekalkan kemesraan mawaddah antara mereka. Tunjukkanlah kepada hati-hati ini akan jalan yang sebenar serta penuhkanlah piala hati-hati ini akan jalan yang sebenar serta penuhkanlah piala hati-hati ini dengan cahaya Rabbani-Mu yang tidak kunjung malap. Lapangkanlah hati sanubari ini dengan keimanan dan keindahan tawakal kepada-Mu. Hidup suburkanlah hati-hati ini dengan makrifat (pengenalan yang sebenarnya) tentang-Mu. (Jika Engkau takdirkan kami mati) maka matikanlah hati-hati ini sebagai para syuhada dalam perjuangan agama-Mu. Sesungguhnya Engkau sebaik-baik pelindung dan sebaik-baik penolong. Ya Allah perkenankanlah doa kami".

dan sesungguhkan, nizar amat sayang dan cinta kepada kalian semua. Moga Allah sentiasa merahmati persahabatan kami, dan memberi kami inayah dan barakah di masa mana kami bertemu mahupun tidak. Dan moga dalam ingatan itu, Allah memberi pengampunan dan menambahkan kasih sayang antara kami semua. Amin.

another commentary

Hafidh Ibn Katheer, commenting on a verse, relates a story on the authority of Ali Ibn Abi Talib (r.a.):

Two who are friends for Allah's sake; one of them dies and is given good news that he will be granted al-Jannah, so he remembered his friend and he supplicated for him, saying: O Allah, my friend used to command me to obey You and to obey Your Prophet (s.a.w.) and used to command me to do good and to forbid me from doing evil. And he told me that I will meet You. O Allah, do not let him go astray after me, until you show him what you have just shown me, until You are satisfied with him, just like You are satisfied with me." So he is told: "Had you known what is (written) for you friend, would you have laughed a lot and cried a little." Then his friend dies and their souls are gathered, and both are asked to express their opinions about each other. So each one of them says to his friend: you were the best brother, the best companion and the best friend."

The Blacksmith and the Perfumery

On the authority of Abu Musa al-Ash'ari (ra), the Prophet (pbuh) said:

"The likeness of a righteous friend and an evil friend, is the likeness of a (musk) perfume seller and a blacksmith. As for the perfume seller, he may either bestow something on you, or you may purchase something from him, or you may benefit from his sweet smell. And as for the blacksmith, he may either burn your clothes, or you may be exposed to his awful smell."
[Bukhari and Muslim]

rivermaya - you'll be safe here

knowing me, knowing you

i think i had a post with a similar title a long time ago.
can't remember what it was about, but i think it ran along the lines of knowing people for who they are.

yesterday juni asked me if i ever thought that i did not know people enough.
on second thoughts, maybe i don't know people enough, but it is just that i do not perceive it.

in actuality, the scenario calls for interaction from both parties involved.
the knower and the knowee.
it is easier said than done, this whole getting to know each other better.
there are various levels of information that one may share with another person.
sometimes the information is readily shared, and sometimes the information has to be sussed out.

and it really depends on the level of comfort that you have with the other party, and how significant the other party is to you, and how significant you are to the other party.

i remember having had deep conversations with some people, lasting into the wee hours of the morning. for some of them, the relationships between us grew tremendously, but yet for some of them, the relationships have somehow waned.

it is not a one-off instance that makes you know a person. it is seeing them in all their nuances, environments, good and bad times - and it is not merely seeing or being a passive observer, it is about being a part of their lives that will make you know a person.

a further response to your question then, juni, would be that for those whom i dearly care for, i do make the effort to get to know them. to meet those whom they consider dear to themselves, and to know what drives them and what disses them, to be with them when times are good or tough, to see them cry, laugh, scream, despair, rage... and at all of this, i want to be a part of whatever happens.

and then i begin to love them, and everything else falls into place.