nusms nite cycling

went for the event, cos azfar invited me. after much of my pestering.

it was nice.

tiring, but you feel good after it.

and with the company, even better.

i had taufiq, azfar, abu, asri and muslim, wan janggut, hafiz k, ashar, herman, rozi and din among others. t'was good meeting them all, especially yang lama tak jumpa.

so had a whole night at east coast, and changi.
had a guardian all the way, though i wondered why. but it strengthened my faith and more in the guy. Allah, bless him.

then din sent us home, but not before we went to eat at madina at sembawang.
and we were cracking jokes and teasing each other all the way, a result of lack of sleep, leading to a sense of euphoria. hahaha.

yang tak boleh angkat, masa abang rozi nak tengok whether the car we were in will hit a motor on the left. dengan sewenang-wenangnya, dia gerakkan kepalanya untuk melihat ke luar tingkap.

*DUK*

kepala dia terhantuk ke tingkap, yang belum diturunkan.

terkekek semua.

reflection

"And strive for Allah with the endeavour which is His right.

He has chosen you and has not laid upon you in religion any hardship;

the faith of your father Abraham is yours.

He has named you Muslims of old time and in this Scripture, that the messenger may be a witness unto you, and that you may be witnesses unto mankind.

So establish worship, pay the poor-due, and hold fast to Allah.

He is your Protecting Friend. A blessed Patron, and a blessed Helper!"

Surah Al-Hajj, verse 78

saddened

i worry for the state of those dearest to me.

burdened by personal concerns and afflictions, they are doubled over from the sheer weight.
and it shows very clearly and simply: fatigue, burn out, seeking escape but never finding it.

so much so, that even a smile may drain them.

a friend asked me not to worry.

how can i stand still, when i know you hurt?
how can i breathe easy, when your own breaths are laboured?
how can i not feel your pain, when our hearts beat to the same rhythm?
how can i not worry, when i love you so much?

i wish i could do something more.
all i can do is pray that you all find rest and relief.
and may your purpose give you the strength you need to go on.

sigh.

Dear my love, haven't you wanted to be with me
And dear my love, haven't you longed to be free
I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you
And at sweet night, you are my own
Take my hand

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning's light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name

I have dreamt of a place for you and I
No one knows who we are there
All I want is to give my life only to you
I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore
Let's run away, I'll take you there

Forget this life
Come with me
Don't look back you're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left to stop you

Evanescence - Anywhere

i only have 24 hours in a day.

therefore i apologise beforehand, if i fall below expectations.
therefore i seek respite before i am accused of neglect.
therefore i ask for understanding, lest i am perceived otherwise.

this is an important semester for me, and a stressful one.
and they said that time management is of the essence.
and i am beginning to see it ever so evidently.

i know i have not been around, i know i have not been there, i know i have not performed what i used to do.

in times when perhaps i am needed, i have to make that choice.
even if it may seem cruel.

you all know that i love you a lot.
you all know that i am here, if and when you need me.
and you all know, that i want to give more, even as i speak.

but, time is not on my side.
selfish it may be, but again i reiterate: time is not on my side.

pardon me this time. i am in no power to fight against what needs to be done.

ida, nura, rita, ratna, shikin, azfar, rezuan, taufiq, shafur - among those whom i address this to.
i just pray that you all remain blessed and guided through this time.

near detonation

subhanallah.

its all i can say.

really. i am close to it.

just hope my brains dont suddenly squeal in protest and start oozing out my ears.

almost hypertensive

bad bad headache.

from all the thinking and reading and analysing and organising and reorganising.

i can feel my pulse drumming the sides of my head.
i think even my brain is rebelling against this torture.
i do not know how long my heart can take it.

its official you know. everyone is clearly feeling the tension in the environment, from the expectations that have been placed upon our shoulders. everyone acknowledges the need to perform and perform well. and everyone knows how important it is to maintain our standards, and improve even further.

dun crack, please.
its hard, damned hard, but dun crack please.

"today i dream, of friends i had before, what's become of them, the ones who called dun call anymore..." - Seal, Don't Cry

i wish...

i wish people were not so sad.
i wish people smiled a bit more.
i wish people could hear what resounds in another's heart.
i wish people took care of others, as much as they take care of themselves.
i wish people cared for themselves, as much as they care for others.

i wish people see what others see and feel what others feel.

i wish i can give more to you, as i really want to.
i wish i have more to give to you, as you really deserve.
i wish i can make you happy everyday, as you make me, even in the smallest way.
i wish a part of me can be with you, as you find your way.

i wish me you and you and you.
and i hope you wish you me, through and through.

obituary

azmi's father passed away today. please gift a fatihah for him.

may his soul be placed among those who are righteous and believers, and be blessed by the Merciful.

Amin.

potentiates

the young ones have a lot of potential in them.

i hope they find their own styles and use it to the best of their abilities. the meeting went along well, and i hope that that which was shared will be remembered. technicalities aside, everyone needs to understand what they will go through and what has to be done. although i cannot say that i was exemplary when it was my turn, i just hoped that they will understand us and understand what needed to be heard.

i do not see a clear path - in fact the mix of people who will be working together is very unpredictable. they will most definitely face conflict and obstacles. i pray that they are wise enough to rise above it, and settle amicably. it seems to me that we cannot place enough emphasis on the importance of communications. we kept on going back to that point. and i believe that this is something that EVERYONE should remember, no matter where we are now.

that aside, it would be most interesting to see how the FOC will turn out. and how i would love to be able to experience it for myself. just sad that perhaps i may not be able to, due to academic commitments. let's just pray for the best.

my skin tingles at the possibilities of the powers of these potentiates. woo hoo.

and fellow venatorians, lets see if they can one-up us.
and i love you peeps. king, advisor, ministers, one and all.

*bows*

clinical

with a lot of trepidation, i entered the rehabilitation centre. my companion and i expressed our fears and worries to each other. it was, after all, utterly new and alien to us. but fears and worries gave way to compassion, trust, and comfort...

which eventually led to a sense of fulfilment like no other.

again, the smiles, the laughter, the holding of hands, the embraces... the sheer innocence and naivette of young minds, was most refreshing, and most touching.

as sung by one, in a quiet voice, "que sera sera, whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours to see, que sera sera, what will be, will be..." i almost cried at the absolute aptness of that song.

endearing souls, not knowing, but forever living in their own worlds.
worlds without troubles. just peace.

visit to ntu

its funny how some unintended things, become such a source of happiness.

went to ntu, to take rezuan's form, and to pass zul his anat and physio book.
wanted to meet shikin along the way.

before that, on the bus, i met lieja, and then at the canteen, zaki and mr kamal, rizal and raihan.

i went to pray asar, and met hakim. who decided to accompany me a while, waiting for shikin.

then suddenly raymond came. then abu. then tze ying. then my sister's friend. then zul. then nokman. then saifuddin. then shikin and mazlinah.

then went to canteen again. then met nasir and ira. then rezuan and abu. then first semester ntu friend.

then went to maghrib, where i heard that wonderful recitation again.

then went to break fast at jp with rezuan and abu. got teased like dunno what. but if it makes them smile and laugh, i gladly go through it again.

see. unintended to meet all of them. yet by His Grace, i met all of them and more.

comfort in a dream

i found myself walking along a familiar path, a path i knew led me to school. the sky was ambiguous, in a shade of dusk and dawn. somehow i was dressed in another uniform but there was this feeling that i was not in the right place.

yet i walked on ahead, through the gates.

and saw the children, sitting down, running around.

i sat down beside a boy, no more than eight years of age, quiet in his own contemplation. his sister, a year older, was beside him, looking at him.

and we began a conversation, his quiescence against my speech.

"but you are special," i said to him. "you are not her, not him, nor him, nor him." i pointed to his sister, who began to smile gently and then to the other children running around. "everyone is different, and that is why everyone is special. but you are the most special one."

his sister smiled at me. and i continued a coversation that i cannot recall.

as i then stood up to leave at the end, the boy looked at me, tears in his eyes, and embraced me with a strength that belied his slight frame.

"thank you," he said. "may that which you work for, come true."

i woke up in wonder at the meaning of that dream. yet, i am surprisingly calm, and at peace. and there was such an overwhelming sense of comfort that i got from the last words i remembered.

in a very unexplainable way, i felt blessed.

quarter centenary...this boy...

happy 25th dearest razak...
may graces and beauty embrace you...
and His Mercy be upon you...
Smile always, and may your dreams... enter reality...

what's the point?

how would you feel, if you found out that all your years of education came to moot?

that the very point of you seeking that knowledge - to serve people... more importantly, to improve your family's well-being, either through direct application of that knowledge, or indirectly through the financial input or pride - is like dust that is blown around in the wind... insignificant, and of not much use?

i have been put to face this situation.

personally, it irks me. it disappoints me. it kills me.

that i, my knowledge, my purpose, is of no consequence to the ones i love the most.
that i will not be able to help, despite trying so hard.

what's the point...?

addendum

i just realised the use of colours in my blogging.

wow. how very unadventurous i was.

but no more.

wakakakakkakaka.

the mad rush of school

its the second week of school.

just.

and yet i am already feeling the pressure of the projects and assignments that i need to complete, on top of facing clinical attachments for 10 weeks. to give you a low-down:

lifestyle and lifespan development (week 6)
- a comparative study of developmental differences in a 13 month old male and female child. (interviews, literature review, observations & assessments, integration)

occupational therapy theory and process (week 6)
- a complete case analysis and management of a post-suicide patient with multiple fractures, spinal trauma, and traumatic brain injury

communication (week ?)
- debate series

research methods (wk ?)
- formulating a questionnaire

clinical attachment (week 10)
- MINDS, clinical diaries, and reflective journal

SHS Club
- Valentine's Day Project Love-Sellers (Feb)
- Captain's Ball League (Feb)
- SHS Students' Conference (March)
- Graduates' Dinner and Dance (May)

NYP Pal
- NYP Open House (March)

and they were telling us, this semester has been cut short to accomodate the new student intake in april. therefore, we have lesser time for lessons. but check this out - THE SYLLABUS HAS NOT BEEN ADJUSTED. an originally 16-week curriculum has been cut to about 12 weeks. That is almost a whole month difference. Yet we are expected to take it all in our stride, being the A-level students that we are, and produce results all the same.

mad i tell you.

simply mad.

to those whom i yearn for...

there are a few individuals who move me enough to make me yearn for them...
their absence is dearly dearly felt...
to them, i pledge my everlasting devotion and love...

Pride can stand a thousand trials,
The strong will never fall.
But watching stars without you, my soul cries.
Heaving heart, it's full of pain.
Oh, oh, the aching.
cause I'm missing you. oh.
I'm missing you, oh.

Touch me deep, pure and true.
Give to me forever.
cause I'm missing you. oh.
I'm missing you.

Where are you now?
Where are you now?
cause I'm missing you.
I'm missing you. oh.

adapted from Des'ree - Kissing You

clearer view. pardon the blood. 

my teeth. all shattered up. 

my first time being operated upon

*heaves a breath*

Rites. I came to the clinic at 10.00am and registered myself. By 10.30am i was called inside, where they asked me to put on a set of scrubs. I met up with the dental surgeon, a dentist by the name of Dr Teh, who explained to me the procedures. She also explained the risks that I face, namely temporary or permanent loss of sensation/ numbness to the jaw and/or tongue due to nerve injuries.

I went into the OT, my heart was pee-pooring (as how Nura would describe it). I was unusually nervous, and i attributed it to the fact that this was the first major procedure that i was going under, and that it is the DENTIST.

I sat in the chair, and Dr Teh proceeded on to anaesthesize me. It was a LONG needle, and it stung like crap. And there she was jabbing into my gums and my buccal areas... until at last, I could not feel anything. But I remembered flinching at one part when she was numbing the left side of my mouth, something which had repercussions later.

The orderly prepped me. My eyes were shielded from the glare of the lights with a surgical cloth. Thankfully. They did not cover my ears with mufflers or anything, so I heard every single noise that was made when the surgery was carried out.

Firstly, the incision into the gum to reveal the impacted teeth. That was not so bad...because the scraping of the gum was totally painless and no force was required.

then came the insane drilling.

i could smell my teeth burning from the friction.
i could feel the drill pushing in and shattering my teeth.
i could imagine how bloody it was, cos i could taste my blood.

the drilling was the one thing that made that whole experience, absolutely frightening. the singularly most frightening experience of my life.
dentists seem to work very well with drills, and that classic stereotype of a dentist drilling into your mouth while you lie helpless on the chair, became a reality for me. take that for experience.

but this dentist had something more up her sleeve. she attempted to extract a tooth which may possibly require operation to remove properly. and she pulled like there was no tomorrow. and i'd rather had my head come off, than my tooth, because she pulled super super hard, and the damn tooth did not budge. and i was getting distressed under the sheets. and i could feel the pain, because like i said, i think the left side was a bit poorly anaesthesized due to my own fault. but fortunately, it came off not long after.

when they removed the mask from my eye, i visibly wiped away a tear or two, and i do not know whether it was from the pain, or from the relief of the operation ending.

there you have it, a blow by blow account of my first major procedure.

*heaves another breath*