karya

Bagaimana harusku mulakan rintihan batinku ini
Yang kian lama kupendam dilubuk hati
Yang demi masa tidak berubah isi
Yang akan hanya merobek naluri
Bagaimana...

Kepada siapa dapat ku curahkan isi hati
Yang hanya membuak, melonjak tanpa henti
Yang bergerak, caranya tidak ku erti
Yang bersorak, kemudian diam menyepi
Kepada siapa...

Untuk apa ku berdiri di sini
Yang ku nanti, telah pun kembali dan pergi
Yang ku kenangi, tidak lagi mengingati
Yang ku sayangi, telah hilang rindunya bagaikan mimpi
Untuk apa...

Aku bak awan
Yang hanya mampu mengikut tiupan sang udara
Yang hilang tanpa sesiapa sedar
Yang tangisan gerimis petang hanya seketika

Aku insan kerdil tak bermakna, tiada erti pada sesiapa...

tuesdays with morrie

this was a movie i saw in school as part of a self-discovery lesson.

the movie depicted 2 men, Morrie the teacher and Mitch the ex-student, who reunited after twenty years of separation, under very strange circumstances. Morrie was already in his 70s, and he was suffering from a disease called amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, which left him on a straight and sure path to death. Morrie, as a prolific sociology lecturer, was interviewed on tv, and that was when Mitch remembered an old promise to stay in touch. Hence in fulfilment of that promise, Mitch made his way down to see Morrie. That was the start of the reunion that was to change the way Mitch viewed his own life. Morrie challenged Mitch's take on many things, and together with Mitch, Morrie proceeded to write their last thesis on life together, documenting his final days and his thoughts on them.

What struck me in this movie was the philosophy that Morrie had, which strangely resonated with my own. He was not afraid to cry, because tears are only natural and they show that you feel. He was not afraid to express his emotions because he knew that there would be times when you will not be able to say what you feel anymore. He was not afraid to hold and embrace those he loved, for that was how he wanted to say goodbye all the time, wanting to be able to have contact one last time. He made every moment count, just in case.

i cried at this show many many times. Not just because it was sad to see him go. But rather, somewhere somehow i hoped that people would be able to understand me from that perspective too. Because no one does now.

Some quotes from the show before i end off.

"We must love one another or die."

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in."

"When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."

"Death ends a life, not a relationship."

"Without love, we are birds with broken wings."

"Love wins. Love always wins."

"Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone."

feeling unloved, and unappreciated

you(1) said lets not be awkward, and lets remain friends. but despite what you yourself said, you have elected for the easy way out, and blocked me. that's a very nice gesture, if i may say. i am ok with remaining as friends, but your very act has offended me very deeply. is it that scary to talk to me? is it that bad? i don't know. after all, it was not me that blocked you. unfortunately for us, i had to find out.

you(2) were supposed to have matured since the last time. you have gotten yourself a companion. for that i was very happy. after all, you were happy. but that day when you spoke those words, as if i was unworthy, as if i should not meet your companion, as if i would only be a bother and an extra burden, as if your relationship with your companion would be at risk somehow if i sat in the same vehicle with the two of you. you threw away 11 years of friendship and you threw away my heart. unfortunately for us, i became angry.

you(3) were the one i have dedicated so much of myself to. i thought you could understand my needs and my feelings. for i treated you with so much love and respect. but that night when you demeaned a practice which i reserved for those i truly cared for, i felt cheated. it was like you had never really wanted what i gave. and that it did not mean anything much to you, if anything at all.

you (1), (2) and (3) have somewhat discarded me.
its painful.

but i shall learn to live with it.
because i don't want to continue lying to myself.

Australia

my trip to aussieland should be confirmed.
i have a million and one things to do before i can go.
visa, insurance, accomodations, readings, air tickets, financial assistance...

its a hell.

but i gotta persevere. i asked for it anyways.
the price of wanting to be excellent.

shucks. schmucks.

my class

in all my posts i havent shown a picture of my class yet... here are some recent peektures of them in various things that we have had to get ourselves into this year.

the ribena girls

wait until sleep liao.

bizlink visit.

hua beng's model class.

reduced energy class.

fyp progress

erm, this is not as much an update on fyp progress, than it is a photo montage of what we have taken so far... haha.. enjoy!

suet: i want to kill myself! jess: go ahead, see if i care. peixin: stay cool like me. suet: ok lor.

Hua Beng in a discussion with us... and doing some work for us. lucky us.

wanrudoesnotlikesuetmingbutloveshuabengjustkidding.

Hua Beng feeds us, the wonderful man. and each time, there is just enough for us.

but we do work hard...

...and play hard as well (when we think people not looking)!

nura's concert

she had a concert at the esplanade. ok la not a concert but more of like a showcase kinda thing.

the place was sweet, the people were sweet, the music was sweet. what else can i ask for?

pics speak louder than words.

the set-up. simple and clean.

swayed by the music.

les musiciens: nura on vocals, jonathan on keyboard, isa on guitar

the sweet people who came: nura's colleagues, azmi and yanni, ratna and iman, tau, mel, ilham

a's birthday

dalam kegilaan nak menyambut hari lahir seseorang insan yang disayangi...
sanggup si tiga meronda dari hulu ke hilir singapura bila dah nak dekat pagi...

ada gambar gambar tak leh di letak... sebab takut menyinggung yang disambuti...
kerana yang tidak disangka menjadi...
haha...

alhamdulillah, sahabat sejati ditemui...
bahagia tak terperi.
happy happy.

betapa aku ingini pertemuan tiada henti.

bawah ni... gambar yang diizini... hehe...

nak hujan, angin tiup kuat, nanti candle tak leh nyala, nak buat lawak. abu... always something up his sleeve.

kek coklat.

cina and thai gathering... nasib takda police. illegal gathering sey.

yang disambut. haha.

OT Day Dinner

went for this dinner on Friday 19th Jan so that the students could be well represented. chunyi drove the lot of us there...

haha... and quite well-represented we were, given that we took 2 whole tables, out of a possible 12 (i am guessing this number) but hell, we were quite the crowd there.

i take the dinner as quite an important net-working event for us occupational therapists. given that we are a young profession, it is always good to keep our links with each other and to seek support from the group. for me, it is more of a reassurance and confidence-building thing, and to motivate me to achieve as how those who have made it have managed to. whatever "it" may be. haha.

the GOH was the first local male OT in singapore, mr ho meng jang, and at the dinner, we also commemorated the first local publication on OT. and while the food for me was not fabulous (they served different dishes for the halal peeps, and in significantly diminished proportions), at least i managed to get a free book! haha. worth my $15 la.

mr ho meng jang cutting the commemorative cake, with the cover of the book as a design.

group photo with prominent OTs: mrs siva, mr ho, mrs rosalind tan.

group photo with lecturers: hua beng, hwei lan, cheng mun

return to debates

although i did say that i would like to step down from debates after the tournament was over to concentrate on the final leg of my studies, by some emotional bond, i may be debating in another tournament before i end... and this i do for those who have made it worth my while. although it will be tough trying to juggle fyp and school projects and debates (my meetings are almost daily, lasting up to the wee hours of 9pm onwards), i promise to try my bestest best to attend when i can.

its funny how things end up, i say.

on another note, joey was so sweet to give each of us a postcard from vancouver, recounting his days there... our postcards run in a sequence, and each one of us got a day's worth of memories. talk about a coach that cares deeply.

sigh.

update update!

ho ho... long overdue posts... coming one by one

1) return to debates
2) OT Day dinner
3) a's birthday
4) nura's concert
5) FYP progress
6) Australia
7) feeling unloved, and unappreciated

here goes.

a day of madness

which began on friday night, when i went out with my peeps from CADC... the master joey treated us to a carcinogenic meal at seoul garden, where we stuffed our faces full of artery-clogging mish-mash. which was delicious. haha. then there were all the photo-taking, where the portrait of gayness (picture to be uploaded soon) escalated into the rape of the master. joey was utterly disoriented by the time we were done, so much so that he could not even button his shirt up properly... the poor man.

from left: edwin, alex, joey, sha and zul

from left: halim, fara, cheryl, sharon, terrence

joey's gift. blue polo T. i still dun get the gift.

terrence's gift. red polo T. i also dun get it.

dunno what joey keeps looking at under the table... or is it his tummy?

random pics of everyone

i then rushed to meet taufiq to buy the ring he wanted, and then we went to watch this show called babel, with azfar. babel is a brilliantly depressing show. don't get me wrong. it is a good show... but the scenes inside are just so profoundly sad, that i was tearing like a babe throughout. i don't think the scenes would affect the general public that much, but it was just such a heightened sense of empathy that i felt, the instances of humanity which were exploited beyond words, that just ripped my head apart. damn good show, damn sad.

which ended at 2 plus in the a.m. of saturday.

and i had to wake up at 6 to help out for a flag day, meaning i had about 3 hours to sleep by the time i reached home from the movie. and that was all the sleep i had, because when i woke up, i realised that my SNO application had not been sent, so i was rushing for that time as well. because i needed some info from some people, which came later than i expected. urgh.

then at the flag day, it was just work work work... rest was intermittent and discontinuous. but it was good work. haha. sweated like a pig. then went to break fast with Uan, Abu and Adri. these people are good company too. hur hur.

Uan, Abu, Adri - orang-orang giler.

then went for tea-nner with taufiq, nura, melissa, ilham and matin at essential brew, where apparently, i was too high from the lack of sleep to even be coherent or socially appropriate. haha. drinking myself to drunkedness. see the photos below for the full story.

the essential brew goers - ilham, matin, taufiq, melissa, nura

me drinking myself to the high heavens... things really got fuzzy after a while...

and i decided enough was enough. home.

i reached home, at 11pm saturday, with my eyes half-open, and my heart fully satisfied.

i love these mad-rush days. makes my life feel worthwhile.

numerology

150

numbers have always played an important part in life.
time is represented in numbers.
age is represented in numbers.
results are represented in numbers.
ranks are represented in numbers.

between the numbers at the top and bottom of the post, my life lies.

i am scared.

100

nelly furtado - all good things must come to an end

Honestly what will become of me
I don't like reality
It's way too clear to me
But really life is dandy
We are what we don't see
We missed everything daydreaming

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

Travelling I always stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets it and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

The dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon
So that they could die

And the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
And the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day until the feeling went away
And the sky was falling and the clouds were dropping
And the rain forgot how to bring salvation

The dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
So that they could die

future plans

it was kind of weird, but almost significantly coincidental, that right at this point of time where i was contemplating my future path as an OT, MOE decided to send a letter out to the graduands, inviting them to attend and apply for positions of Special Needs Officers in MOE.

which means that i get to go back to school, and continue on to get a Diploma in Special Education. which means that i get a specialist qualification for paediatrics OT. which also means that i get work experience for 2 years in a specific area of practice. and at the same time, i am getting paid more that i will receive in the hospitals, which means i have more money to spend, or to save for my masters. my masters requires 2 years working experience, which is ultimately served by my bond to MOE.

and i get to be with friends too.

see, everything comes to you when you least expect it.
give thanks to Him.

overseas attachment

i was a bit worried that i would not have this opportunity at all to go overseas for my attachments. this was because i already gave up on it once last year, because it was too close to the hari raya season. and this year, the opportunity threatened to give up on me as well, because of my sister's impending marriage ceremony that i would have to be present at.

the attachments would last from end of march to early may for a total of 6 weeks.
and because i was unsure of the duration for those going overseas, i was afraid that it may clash with my sister's dates , and i would then be unable to fly off.

but the great Plan works itself out.

i found that i had enough time to go for my attachments, and even to have a holiday for about a week after the attachments, and still be back in time for my sister's wedding. how cool is that? and i am going after another dear friend's wedding, which she has specially requested for me to be present at the solemnisation ceremony itself.

so everything is somehow back in place.

anyone want to come for a holiday with me in Australia?

inter-polytechnic debates

this was the competition we were training all out for, and unfortunately, we have to announce that we only managed to get as far as the semi-finals.

however it is important to note that the reason we lost was not because we were inferior to the dastardly team that we went against, but more of the lack of impetus from the adjudicators to look deeper into the debates to analyse assuredly the areas of concern. while they were overwhelmed by dramatics and flamboyance, they have failed to address the substance of the arguments, which essentially made the whole arena a farce.

and in defiance, we refused to be disappointed, or even feel dejected.

at least we know we fought with integrity, and with true mettle. as compared to some lesser teams who had to depend on theatrics to confuse and confound.

all fluff, as we would say.

but i am damned proud of the team that represented NYP, and for these people with whom i have bonded and formed a special relationship with. they are the maddest people, and the gayest group ever.

i present to you, the NYP Debates Team.

The Voice of Aceh, the French-Indo hunk (NOT!!), our most charismatic substitute coach - Jose Kasijo (who owes me a sundae to alleviate my depression).

from left:

zul, alex, faa, charles (jose's friend), sha, terrence, edwin, halim, sharon, cheryl, ME!

11 january... has life begun?

hehehe...

i know i know... people have asked why i have not updated my blog.
although you see, its been barely 10 days. but in the virtual world, when everyone is bored, every single detail seems to take forever to happen... hahaha...

of course there has been a lot of things happening. so i will take my time to write out entry by entry. because i wanted to get the pics to go along with the entries, and some of the pictures are so taking forever to reach me.

basically there are about 5 things i will write about.

1) debates
2) going overseas for attachment
3) future plans after graduation
4) gaming like mad people, and the mad people i game with
5) things as how they stand

so onwards to my first entry...

the kind rejection

not out of spite for you ok? its just a means of me recording what has happened.

so i was asked who, and i gave the answer.
and i was kindly rebuffed.

well, better to have tried and failed, than not to have tried at all.

maybe there is a hikmah to it all.

and friends we shall remain ok?

end of the year review

i dunno... people usually do a one-off look at whether they have in anyways achieved their resolutions for the past year... so maybe i will look back at what i have written on this exact same date a year ago, and comment appropriately.

only to find that i don't have any past year resolutions to commit to.
smart ain't i?

because i have already foreseen that my resolutions would fail me anyways, or rather i them, because i can't commit to working towards them.

yeah. so no resolutions to fulfill, so nothing to complain that i have failed. hahaha. i win on both accounts.

but i will still come to review this past year.

it has almost flown by too fast if you ask me... and much has happened within that overwhelmed me with emotions, and frankly, i wouldn't know where to start. refer to my past year blog posts if you wish... because i think my comments then would be the same as my comments now.

am i satisfied with the year past?

academically, it has been a most trying year... with our longest attachments and most difficult modules coming alongside each other... and in me trying to commit to the various CCAs that i was in... SHS Club, SAOTSC, and Debates... and my utter inability to help out with the establishment of the NYPMS... i felt most energised and empowered at times, but at others i was little more than a thin strip of mental thread waiting to snap. but i am glad that it has all passed now, and in this coming year, i can definitely focus on the work that i need to do.

socially, i am thankful for the friends i have lost but found again, and for the blessed time that i have with them. and for the love that i feel for them. and for their unconditional acceptance of me. there is so much in the value of a friendship that i would give my life for that these people form a very tight circle around my heart.

family has never been better... all the past issues of delinquent siblings, and misperceptions of each other have somewhat passed along... and my parents are growing to become more accepting of the new changes happening before their very eyes... a daughter to be married, a son who has turned over a new leaf, a son who is graduating from school soon and yet another son who will be taking his O levels not too long down the road. indeed, all of us are growing up, and the flighting issues that accompanies growth have somewhat calmed themselves down.

spiritually, i am at peace because i know what i need to do and why i am doing it. and i am able to understand my fraility and weaknesses in the light of His Glory and Might. and i am able to appreciate the gifts that i have been endowed with and give my ultimate trust in Him, that i will be shown a path which is of benefit to me.

the coming year is one filled with excitement and times of uncertainty for me.

for one, i am graduating as an occupational therapist in about 5 months' time. i will then be entering into the working life, and that opens up a whole window of opportunity for me. i look forward to this.

before that i hope to be going to australia for my final attachments. i am a bit nervous, but i am sure it will be a good experience.

there are a few people slated to get married, and my sister is foremost on that list. i hope everything runs smoothly at all stages of the marriage.

my dearest friends will also be graduating, and i wonder how our paths will turn and meander... will we become closer, or will we drift apart? it is all, at this moment, open for speculation.

but live through it i will, as i take each day as it is.

I ask to be granted the strength and courage to face the challenges of the new year, and may this year be a better year for me and for all of you out there.