Friday, October 12, 2007
let this dream be true
had a good dream as i slept last night.
and all i can say was that there could not be anything more that i can ask for, if that dream were true. and how truly blessed it is to have come on the last night.
doakan mimpi nizar menjadi kenyataan.
and all i can say was that there could not be anything more that i can ask for, if that dream were true. and how truly blessed it is to have come on the last night.
doakan mimpi nizar menjadi kenyataan.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
last night of ramadhan
it came so suddenly, and about to leave just as unexpectedly.
may this Ramadhan be a blessing and expiation from the sins of the past, and may You permit me to meet another Ramadhan in the year ahead, Amin.
as i was heard this song, i suddenly realised how it related so much to my experience of Ramadhan this year. and how even in the most unexpected places, you hear prayers to the Almighty. this song is entitled Stand Inside Your Love, by the Smashing Pumpkins. And as i recalled the lyrics, i just thought about how it read to me, as a muslim in this blessed month.
"You and me...meant to be
Immutable, impossible
It's destiny, pure lunacy
Incalculable, insufferable"
This first verse spoke to me of the nature of the human soul, created in a state of fitrah, destined to seek a higher purpose of knowing the Almighty and to submit to His Greatness - a nature which cannot be changed, or denied, across the span of time and space.
The fitrah is the natural inclination to worship God alone, and it includes compliance with what God and His Messenger explained to be from the characteristics of fitrah. The acts of fitrah are specific features which God has created in man and found within his natural tendency to like as well as to dislike what contradicts these acts. The great Islamic scholar al-Sayyuti said: "The best explanation of fitrah is that it is the Sunnah (way) of all of the Prophets which is in agreement with (all of) the revealed Laws, indicating that it is a response to naturally created inclinations. In the Holy Quran, Almighty God, the Most High and Exalted, has identified the pure fitrah with which He created mankind:
"So set your purpose for religion as a man upright (hanifan) by nature (fitrah) - the nature (fitrah) framed by God, in which He created mankind. There is no altering (the Laws of ) the creation of God." (Holy Qur'an Chapter 30, Verse 30)
"But for the last time
You're everything that I want and ask for
You're all that I'd dreamed
Who wouldn't be the one You Love
Who wouldn't stand inside Your Love
Protected and the lover of "
may this Ramadhan be a blessing and expiation from the sins of the past, and may You permit me to meet another Ramadhan in the year ahead, Amin.
as i was heard this song, i suddenly realised how it related so much to my experience of Ramadhan this year. and how even in the most unexpected places, you hear prayers to the Almighty. this song is entitled Stand Inside Your Love, by the Smashing Pumpkins. And as i recalled the lyrics, i just thought about how it read to me, as a muslim in this blessed month.
"You and me...meant to be
Immutable, impossible
It's destiny, pure lunacy
Incalculable, insufferable"
This first verse spoke to me of the nature of the human soul, created in a state of fitrah, destined to seek a higher purpose of knowing the Almighty and to submit to His Greatness - a nature which cannot be changed, or denied, across the span of time and space.
The fitrah is the natural inclination to worship God alone, and it includes compliance with what God and His Messenger explained to be from the characteristics of fitrah. The acts of fitrah are specific features which God has created in man and found within his natural tendency to like as well as to dislike what contradicts these acts. The great Islamic scholar al-Sayyuti said: "The best explanation of fitrah is that it is the Sunnah (way) of all of the Prophets which is in agreement with (all of) the revealed Laws, indicating that it is a response to naturally created inclinations. In the Holy Quran, Almighty God, the Most High and Exalted, has identified the pure fitrah with which He created mankind:
"So set your purpose for religion as a man upright (hanifan) by nature (fitrah) - the nature (fitrah) framed by God, in which He created mankind. There is no altering (the Laws of ) the creation of God." (Holy Qur'an Chapter 30, Verse 30)
"But for the last time
You're everything that I want and ask for
You're all that I'd dreamed
Who wouldn't be the one You Love
Who wouldn't stand inside Your Love
Protected and the lover of "
The second verse reflects a dialogue between the 'abid and his Lord. In complete submission, and in true worship, what better prayer and wish can one have... than to be one who is in his Lord's Pleasure and Love, and receiving His Protection, on the day when no one else can protect save Him. and as i reflect this last night of Ramadhan, a blessed month where prayers are answered, it may be the last time that i may be allowed to make this cry to Him in this month, for who knows of my destiny...
"A pure soul and beautiful - you
Don't understand, don't feel me now
I will breathe for the both of us
Travel the world, traverse the skies
Your home is here within my heart"
According to Abu Hurairah, the Holy Messenger said:"God says, 'My servant becomes closer to Me by performing those deeds which are obligatory on him. And he gets close to Me through constant observance of optional (nafila) prayer until he becomes My beloved. When he becomes My beloved, I become his ears through which he hears, his eyes through which he sees, and his hand with which he holds, and his feet with which he walks." In repentance, in contemplation of creation, and in submission, the 'abid returns to his original self of fitrah and does not seek any other purpose aside from his Lord. And when the Lord accepts him in that state, the 'abid is fully provided for, for the Lord Sees to his every need and is well-pleased with his every deed.
"And for the first time
I feel as though I am reborn in my mind
Recast as child and mystic sage,
Who wouldn't be the one you love
Who wouldn't stand inside your love"
and the gift of ramadhan to the believer is the expiation of sins of the past, and state of rebirth, where the slate of actions is wiped clean. Narrated Abu Huraira (Volume 3, Book 31, Number 125): The Prophet said, "Whoever established prayers on the night of Qadr out of sincere faith and hoping for a reward from Allah, then all his previous sins will be forgiven; and whoever fasts in the month of Ramadan out of sincere faith, and hoping for a reward from Allah, then all his previous sins will be forgiven."
and for those whom have been blessed, the month also gives a state of heightened spiritual awareness, where the experience of ramadhan goes beyond just the physical realm, but allows the 'abid to understand and perceive the hidden hikmahs.
"And for the first time
I'm telling you how much I need and bleed for
Your every move and waking sound
In my time
I'll wrap my wire around your heart and your mind
You're mine forever now"
the 'abid becomes aware of how much he needs Ramadhan as a guide for his own journey towards his Lord, and how much Ramadhan has given him. The blessings of the month is worth more than all the luxuries in the world, where each deed is multiplied, by the Lord's grace. and the 'abid realises how his own weaknesses will draw him down in the time to come, when Ramadhan leaves him, and he cries for a firm resolution to be set upon his heart on this final night, that his weaknesses leave him, and that Ramadhan has made him a better person.
Friday, October 05, 2007
why i posted the previous 2 posts
nizar rasa nizar cukup bertuah.
kerana mendapat nikmat sahabat yang mengajak kepada kebaikan, dan sahabat yang menuntun kepada keredhaan Allah.
Alhamdulillah, merupakan ucapan yang penuh makna, yang cukup berat ertinya, memanjatkan syukur kepada Allah atas kelebihan yang diberikan. dan cukup sekadar Alhamdulillah, untuk menyampaikan isi hati yang tidak dapat digambarkan betapa gembiranya, dan perasaan betapa beruntungnya atas pemberian ini.
Alhamdulillah.
"Ya Allah, sesungguhnya Engkaulah yang Maha Mengetahui bahawa hati-hati (orang-orang yang dibayangkan) ini, telah berhimpun di atas dasar kecintaan terhadapmu, bertemu di atas ketaatan kepada-Mu, bersatu lagi memikul beban dakwah-Mu. Hati-hati ini telah mengikat persetiaan untuk menolong meninggikan syariat-Mu. Oleh itu, Ya Allah, Engkau perkukuhkan ikatannya dan Engkau kekalkan kemesraan mawaddah antara mereka. Tunjukkanlah kepada hati-hati ini akan jalan yang sebenar serta penuhkanlah piala hati-hati ini akan jalan yang sebenar serta penuhkanlah piala hati-hati ini dengan cahaya Rabbani-Mu yang tidak kunjung malap. Lapangkanlah hati sanubari ini dengan keimanan dan keindahan tawakal kepada-Mu. Hidup suburkanlah hati-hati ini dengan makrifat (pengenalan yang sebenarnya) tentang-Mu. (Jika Engkau takdirkan kami mati) maka matikanlah hati-hati ini sebagai para syuhada dalam perjuangan agama-Mu. Sesungguhnya Engkau sebaik-baik pelindung dan sebaik-baik penolong. Ya Allah perkenankanlah doa kami".
dan sesungguhkan, nizar amat sayang dan cinta kepada kalian semua. Moga Allah sentiasa merahmati persahabatan kami, dan memberi kami inayah dan barakah di masa mana kami bertemu mahupun tidak. Dan moga dalam ingatan itu, Allah memberi pengampunan dan menambahkan kasih sayang antara kami semua. Amin.
kerana mendapat nikmat sahabat yang mengajak kepada kebaikan, dan sahabat yang menuntun kepada keredhaan Allah.
Alhamdulillah, merupakan ucapan yang penuh makna, yang cukup berat ertinya, memanjatkan syukur kepada Allah atas kelebihan yang diberikan. dan cukup sekadar Alhamdulillah, untuk menyampaikan isi hati yang tidak dapat digambarkan betapa gembiranya, dan perasaan betapa beruntungnya atas pemberian ini.
Alhamdulillah.
"Ya Allah, sesungguhnya Engkaulah yang Maha Mengetahui bahawa hati-hati (orang-orang yang dibayangkan) ini, telah berhimpun di atas dasar kecintaan terhadapmu, bertemu di atas ketaatan kepada-Mu, bersatu lagi memikul beban dakwah-Mu. Hati-hati ini telah mengikat persetiaan untuk menolong meninggikan syariat-Mu. Oleh itu, Ya Allah, Engkau perkukuhkan ikatannya dan Engkau kekalkan kemesraan mawaddah antara mereka. Tunjukkanlah kepada hati-hati ini akan jalan yang sebenar serta penuhkanlah piala hati-hati ini akan jalan yang sebenar serta penuhkanlah piala hati-hati ini dengan cahaya Rabbani-Mu yang tidak kunjung malap. Lapangkanlah hati sanubari ini dengan keimanan dan keindahan tawakal kepada-Mu. Hidup suburkanlah hati-hati ini dengan makrifat (pengenalan yang sebenarnya) tentang-Mu. (Jika Engkau takdirkan kami mati) maka matikanlah hati-hati ini sebagai para syuhada dalam perjuangan agama-Mu. Sesungguhnya Engkau sebaik-baik pelindung dan sebaik-baik penolong. Ya Allah perkenankanlah doa kami".
dan sesungguhkan, nizar amat sayang dan cinta kepada kalian semua. Moga Allah sentiasa merahmati persahabatan kami, dan memberi kami inayah dan barakah di masa mana kami bertemu mahupun tidak. Dan moga dalam ingatan itu, Allah memberi pengampunan dan menambahkan kasih sayang antara kami semua. Amin.
another commentary
Hafidh Ibn Katheer, commenting on a verse, relates a story on the authority of Ali Ibn Abi Talib (r.a.):
Two who are friends for Allah's sake; one of them dies and is given good news that he will be granted al-Jannah, so he remembered his friend and he supplicated for him, saying: O Allah, my friend used to command me to obey You and to obey Your Prophet (s.a.w.) and used to command me to do good and to forbid me from doing evil. And he told me that I will meet You. O Allah, do not let him go astray after me, until you show him what you have just shown me, until You are satisfied with him, just like You are satisfied with me." So he is told: "Had you known what is (written) for you friend, would you have laughed a lot and cried a little." Then his friend dies and their souls are gathered, and both are asked to express their opinions about each other. So each one of them says to his friend: you were the best brother, the best companion and the best friend."
Two who are friends for Allah's sake; one of them dies and is given good news that he will be granted al-Jannah, so he remembered his friend and he supplicated for him, saying: O Allah, my friend used to command me to obey You and to obey Your Prophet (s.a.w.) and used to command me to do good and to forbid me from doing evil. And he told me that I will meet You. O Allah, do not let him go astray after me, until you show him what you have just shown me, until You are satisfied with him, just like You are satisfied with me." So he is told: "Had you known what is (written) for you friend, would you have laughed a lot and cried a little." Then his friend dies and their souls are gathered, and both are asked to express their opinions about each other. So each one of them says to his friend: you were the best brother, the best companion and the best friend."
The Blacksmith and the Perfumery
On the authority of Abu Musa al-Ash'ari (ra), the Prophet (pbuh) said:
"The likeness of a righteous friend and an evil friend, is the likeness of a (musk) perfume seller and a blacksmith. As for the perfume seller, he may either bestow something on you, or you may purchase something from him, or you may benefit from his sweet smell. And as for the blacksmith, he may either burn your clothes, or you may be exposed to his awful smell."
[Bukhari and Muslim]
"The likeness of a righteous friend and an evil friend, is the likeness of a (musk) perfume seller and a blacksmith. As for the perfume seller, he may either bestow something on you, or you may purchase something from him, or you may benefit from his sweet smell. And as for the blacksmith, he may either burn your clothes, or you may be exposed to his awful smell."
[Bukhari and Muslim]
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Monday, October 01, 2007
knowing me, knowing you
i think i had a post with a similar title a long time ago.
can't remember what it was about, but i think it ran along the lines of knowing people for who they are.
yesterday juni asked me if i ever thought that i did not know people enough.
on second thoughts, maybe i don't know people enough, but it is just that i do not perceive it.
in actuality, the scenario calls for interaction from both parties involved.
the knower and the knowee.
it is easier said than done, this whole getting to know each other better.
there are various levels of information that one may share with another person.
sometimes the information is readily shared, and sometimes the information has to be sussed out.
and it really depends on the level of comfort that you have with the other party, and how significant the other party is to you, and how significant you are to the other party.
i remember having had deep conversations with some people, lasting into the wee hours of the morning. for some of them, the relationships between us grew tremendously, but yet for some of them, the relationships have somehow waned.
it is not a one-off instance that makes you know a person. it is seeing them in all their nuances, environments, good and bad times - and it is not merely seeing or being a passive observer, it is about being a part of their lives that will make you know a person.
a further response to your question then, juni, would be that for those whom i dearly care for, i do make the effort to get to know them. to meet those whom they consider dear to themselves, and to know what drives them and what disses them, to be with them when times are good or tough, to see them cry, laugh, scream, despair, rage... and at all of this, i want to be a part of whatever happens.
and then i begin to love them, and everything else falls into place.
can't remember what it was about, but i think it ran along the lines of knowing people for who they are.
yesterday juni asked me if i ever thought that i did not know people enough.
on second thoughts, maybe i don't know people enough, but it is just that i do not perceive it.
in actuality, the scenario calls for interaction from both parties involved.
the knower and the knowee.
it is easier said than done, this whole getting to know each other better.
there are various levels of information that one may share with another person.
sometimes the information is readily shared, and sometimes the information has to be sussed out.
and it really depends on the level of comfort that you have with the other party, and how significant the other party is to you, and how significant you are to the other party.
i remember having had deep conversations with some people, lasting into the wee hours of the morning. for some of them, the relationships between us grew tremendously, but yet for some of them, the relationships have somehow waned.
it is not a one-off instance that makes you know a person. it is seeing them in all their nuances, environments, good and bad times - and it is not merely seeing or being a passive observer, it is about being a part of their lives that will make you know a person.
a further response to your question then, juni, would be that for those whom i dearly care for, i do make the effort to get to know them. to meet those whom they consider dear to themselves, and to know what drives them and what disses them, to be with them when times are good or tough, to see them cry, laugh, scream, despair, rage... and at all of this, i want to be a part of whatever happens.
and then i begin to love them, and everything else falls into place.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
past mid-month.
coming close to the 20th day of fasting. so far so good.
some trips along the path, but generally maintaining well.
went out with the inspirez peeps for a breakfast last tuesday at amirah's grill.
it was really nice seeing everyone back together. a few people were missing with apologies, but that did not matter, cos they were there in spirit. and glad to know that our spirit as a group was still going on strong, with the plans to go out jalan raya, and to contribute to some social events as a team. indeed, i am so proud of us. keep it up yea?
my busiest week at work so far with the standard 3 clients to see in a day. travelling really drains me physically, and financially - last transport claim for the month was $77 just for buses and trains. but it really feels good to be so busy and moving around, because sometimes the thought of going into the office really wilts me - not because there is work to do there, but because i am going to be stuck in front of the computer. haha. but work needs to be done, so i drag myself anyways.
A heard me talking about trying to save up, and thought that i did not have enough money. and made some remarks. not that i took offence, but even if i do not have enough, allow me the dignity to contribute what i can, please. but A is a really close friend, so i don't think he meant any harm in what he said. he just doesn't realise it sometimes. A also commented on how i managed the kids that day, and said that i could improve on how i handled their comments. well, sometimes i also don't realise what i say myself, so if i let anyone down, forgive me.
not perfect, not perfect.
on other issues.
Addah was warded for gall-stones, and is reportedly very weak. She is recuperating at TTSH, and i pray that she heals up properly. Pray for her health, those who know her.
Nazli apparently got a miracle when his knee (meniscus issues) sort of healed itself as he prayed terawih. such good news for him, and i am gladdened. Pray for his health too, those who know him.
All my babes will be facing their quizzes and mini-tests this coming weeks, as the break is over. Insya Allah you will all do well and get through this stressful 2-3 weeks, k?
and i was pleasantly surprised that someone tried to matchmake me.
haha. may Allah bless your efforts la mami jarum.
haha.
some trips along the path, but generally maintaining well.
went out with the inspirez peeps for a breakfast last tuesday at amirah's grill.
it was really nice seeing everyone back together. a few people were missing with apologies, but that did not matter, cos they were there in spirit. and glad to know that our spirit as a group was still going on strong, with the plans to go out jalan raya, and to contribute to some social events as a team. indeed, i am so proud of us. keep it up yea?
my busiest week at work so far with the standard 3 clients to see in a day. travelling really drains me physically, and financially - last transport claim for the month was $77 just for buses and trains. but it really feels good to be so busy and moving around, because sometimes the thought of going into the office really wilts me - not because there is work to do there, but because i am going to be stuck in front of the computer. haha. but work needs to be done, so i drag myself anyways.
A heard me talking about trying to save up, and thought that i did not have enough money. and made some remarks. not that i took offence, but even if i do not have enough, allow me the dignity to contribute what i can, please. but A is a really close friend, so i don't think he meant any harm in what he said. he just doesn't realise it sometimes. A also commented on how i managed the kids that day, and said that i could improve on how i handled their comments. well, sometimes i also don't realise what i say myself, so if i let anyone down, forgive me.
not perfect, not perfect.
on other issues.
Addah was warded for gall-stones, and is reportedly very weak. She is recuperating at TTSH, and i pray that she heals up properly. Pray for her health, those who know her.
Nazli apparently got a miracle when his knee (meniscus issues) sort of healed itself as he prayed terawih. such good news for him, and i am gladdened. Pray for his health too, those who know him.
All my babes will be facing their quizzes and mini-tests this coming weeks, as the break is over. Insya Allah you will all do well and get through this stressful 2-3 weeks, k?
and i was pleasantly surprised that someone tried to matchmake me.
haha. may Allah bless your efforts la mami jarum.
haha.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
standing still
love this song.
just recalled it when i saw a friend's nick on msn.
and remembered how it called out to me.
"do you love me,
like i love you,
or am i standing still...?"
just recalled it when i saw a friend's nick on msn.
and remembered how it called out to me.
"do you love me,
like i love you,
or am i standing still...?"
review of the past days...
so was sick.
then did not need to go work, cos of fear of implicating clients with compromised immunity.
and got the rest i so wanted for the past week. if i considered the weekends, then its 4 days straight of rest. which actually felt good. cos i think i will be refreshed. i hope, haha.
yeaps.
sat was juni's birthday.
happy birthday juni.
cos aizad said to wish you at 8.30am, i did not do so at the stroke of midnight. hence the super duper belated message. but still wished you anyways. and hope that you enjoyed the day with us, and may Allah bless you with the graces that you desire, and those that will benefit you.
and it was also another day out with the peeps.
this time round with the kassim peeps. the ones who went before just went straight for the food. 45 minutes to get from kassim to geylang, and then another full 40 minutes to queue and get the food, and to sit down and eat. everyone only came back around 11.45pm or so... haha. geylang is such madness. but food was good. so next time i go, i will only be left with the prawns and the kebaboms. my final foods that i have not managed to eat (given the amount of food we buy each time, it was prudent not to buy all that we could). well, at least it would be a reason to go down to geylang again. haha.
hik, whatever we talked about remains between us. amanah tau.
and i was touched by what was said. it appears that you are quite a loved person. you may just brush it aside... but really. i think that you have been blessed, cos not everyone receives love as you do. and somehow or rather, people compete for your attention. and in trying to please others, you sometimes find yourself needing to sacrifice other people. it is a hard position you are in. may Allah grant you the strength to bear with what others put you through, and the rewards for the intentions that you have.
sorry if ever things were made difficult by me.
then did not need to go work, cos of fear of implicating clients with compromised immunity.
and got the rest i so wanted for the past week. if i considered the weekends, then its 4 days straight of rest. which actually felt good. cos i think i will be refreshed. i hope, haha.
yeaps.
sat was juni's birthday.
happy birthday juni.
cos aizad said to wish you at 8.30am, i did not do so at the stroke of midnight. hence the super duper belated message. but still wished you anyways. and hope that you enjoyed the day with us, and may Allah bless you with the graces that you desire, and those that will benefit you.
and it was also another day out with the peeps.
this time round with the kassim peeps. the ones who went before just went straight for the food. 45 minutes to get from kassim to geylang, and then another full 40 minutes to queue and get the food, and to sit down and eat. everyone only came back around 11.45pm or so... haha. geylang is such madness. but food was good. so next time i go, i will only be left with the prawns and the kebaboms. my final foods that i have not managed to eat (given the amount of food we buy each time, it was prudent not to buy all that we could). well, at least it would be a reason to go down to geylang again. haha.
hik, whatever we talked about remains between us. amanah tau.
and i was touched by what was said. it appears that you are quite a loved person. you may just brush it aside... but really. i think that you have been blessed, cos not everyone receives love as you do. and somehow or rather, people compete for your attention. and in trying to please others, you sometimes find yourself needing to sacrifice other people. it is a hard position you are in. may Allah grant you the strength to bear with what others put you through, and the rewards for the intentions that you have.
sorry if ever things were made difficult by me.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
and finally...
i have fallen sick.
urgh.
its a matter of getting my immune system back on track.
cos i have been meeting too many people who are unwell.
rest.
urgh.
its a matter of getting my immune system back on track.
cos i have been meeting too many people who are unwell.
rest.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
tired, and in need
i don't know why, but i have been feeling slightly lethargic at work the past week.
almost like i am utterly stretched out, when the truth is that i am not quite as worked out as i make myself out to be. days sometimes start late, and end early, but still i find myself not quite in the same element as i was when i initially started.
i hope that it is not burn-out.
it cannot be burn out, 'cos i still enjoy seeing my clients and working with them.
but maybe its the amount of associated work which i am not too keen on doing.
and also the other projects which i need to complete, but haven't really got around to them.
i have the ideas in my head, but to realise them, and to actualise the plans, well, all these take more time than i feel i have in hand. and sometimes, time spent in the office is really not one i look forward to, because it may mean that my plans may be encumbered.
i want to be able to work properly, and work through my clients thoroughly.
but at the current rate we are going, it seems like i am bounded by the idiocies of number-crunching administrators, over whom i have no control. and frankly, it sucks.
next quarter, it all begins over again.
and not something that i quite look forward to.
and it of course does not help that i am not in top physical form.
falling sick and feeling it, well, just drives my energy way low.
been wanting to take some time off to reorganise my work.
but because of the current load, it is a bit difficult to do that.
yes some may say that you got the time when you go home to do the necessary, but usually by the time i reach home, i am too unmotivated to work on work. 'cos travelling drains me.
sigh.
complaining a lot aren't i?
and its really barely 3 months, though it seems like it has been so much longer.
i guess these are just the rantings of a newbie in worklife.
i have not lost my reason.
i watched grey's today, despite being warned not to. show is such a tearjerker. they soooo know how to play on emotions. i got something from the show, though. why i choose to be in this line of work, and why i will continue to be in this line of work. the power of the human soul, to conquer in times of adversity, and the gift of adaptability and flexibility in face of diverse circumstances. i want to be a witness to that. and that's why i am still here.
almost like i am utterly stretched out, when the truth is that i am not quite as worked out as i make myself out to be. days sometimes start late, and end early, but still i find myself not quite in the same element as i was when i initially started.
i hope that it is not burn-out.
it cannot be burn out, 'cos i still enjoy seeing my clients and working with them.
but maybe its the amount of associated work which i am not too keen on doing.
and also the other projects which i need to complete, but haven't really got around to them.
i have the ideas in my head, but to realise them, and to actualise the plans, well, all these take more time than i feel i have in hand. and sometimes, time spent in the office is really not one i look forward to, because it may mean that my plans may be encumbered.
i want to be able to work properly, and work through my clients thoroughly.
but at the current rate we are going, it seems like i am bounded by the idiocies of number-crunching administrators, over whom i have no control. and frankly, it sucks.
next quarter, it all begins over again.
and not something that i quite look forward to.
and it of course does not help that i am not in top physical form.
falling sick and feeling it, well, just drives my energy way low.
been wanting to take some time off to reorganise my work.
but because of the current load, it is a bit difficult to do that.
yes some may say that you got the time when you go home to do the necessary, but usually by the time i reach home, i am too unmotivated to work on work. 'cos travelling drains me.
sigh.
complaining a lot aren't i?
and its really barely 3 months, though it seems like it has been so much longer.
i guess these are just the rantings of a newbie in worklife.
i have not lost my reason.
i watched grey's today, despite being warned not to. show is such a tearjerker. they soooo know how to play on emotions. i got something from the show, though. why i choose to be in this line of work, and why i will continue to be in this line of work. the power of the human soul, to conquer in times of adversity, and the gift of adaptability and flexibility in face of diverse circumstances. i want to be a witness to that. and that's why i am still here.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
first weekend
it was a nice first weekend.
and i actually enjoyed every minute of it.
despite not liking crowds at that place.
going with them made it so much more bearable.
and my diet just went to the blazes last night as well, with the amount of food we bought.
it was really a matter of letting the basic instincts lead you.
so much for control la.
but i guess it was ok la... not THAT bad.
we ate and drank and chatted till like past midnight.
and we did not miss terawih. so good on us.
but i felt a bit bad leaving, even though i knew there was some work to be done.
hikmah said i should join exco, 'cos i am committed. haha. sure.
but i guess the commitment may be wrong placed.
and i dunno if the sacrifices made will be perceived.
but that's really not for me to say.
anyways, on sacrifices, here's a touching music video.
hopeless romantic. yes i am.
and i actually enjoyed every minute of it.
despite not liking crowds at that place.
going with them made it so much more bearable.
and my diet just went to the blazes last night as well, with the amount of food we bought.
it was really a matter of letting the basic instincts lead you.
so much for control la.
but i guess it was ok la... not THAT bad.
we ate and drank and chatted till like past midnight.
and we did not miss terawih. so good on us.
but i felt a bit bad leaving, even though i knew there was some work to be done.
hikmah said i should join exco, 'cos i am committed. haha. sure.
but i guess the commitment may be wrong placed.
and i dunno if the sacrifices made will be perceived.
but that's really not for me to say.
anyways, on sacrifices, here's a touching music video.
hopeless romantic. yes i am.
Friday, September 14, 2007
ramadhan
the key word i will try to live by this fasting month is "istiqamah".
some narrations label it as consistency in performing your deeds, however small that deed is.
do not attempt to take on a task that eventually burdens you, and you leave it half-fulfilled. if you have made the decision to do a task, perform it whole-heartedly, and follow through till the end.
Shaykh, in his writings, defines it by its roots - "qum", to stand - and elaborates to define it as the standing up for what is right and should be done, and not faltering. "muraqabah" - vigilance, and "yaqazah" - self awareness, are two sub-traits that lead to the ability to have istiqamah.
i am not perfect, and there are many instances where i have picked up certain things, but then, due to my own weaknesses, i fail to follow through. as a result, i am a composite of broken pieces, but not one whole by myself. and because of that, my internal integrity is absent. and that can be very worrisome, because i lose track of who i am, what i want to become, and where my final destination is.
indeed i need to be more vigilant and aware of my own status, and why i do the things i do. and i must be aware of the greater Purpose of things, and if i am faltering and failing myself.
i seek Guidance from Him in this blessed month.
May we all be rewarded with His Pleasure for our endeavours.
some narrations label it as consistency in performing your deeds, however small that deed is.
do not attempt to take on a task that eventually burdens you, and you leave it half-fulfilled. if you have made the decision to do a task, perform it whole-heartedly, and follow through till the end.
Shaykh, in his writings, defines it by its roots - "qum", to stand - and elaborates to define it as the standing up for what is right and should be done, and not faltering. "muraqabah" - vigilance, and "yaqazah" - self awareness, are two sub-traits that lead to the ability to have istiqamah.
i am not perfect, and there are many instances where i have picked up certain things, but then, due to my own weaknesses, i fail to follow through. as a result, i am a composite of broken pieces, but not one whole by myself. and because of that, my internal integrity is absent. and that can be very worrisome, because i lose track of who i am, what i want to become, and where my final destination is.
indeed i need to be more vigilant and aware of my own status, and why i do the things i do. and i must be aware of the greater Purpose of things, and if i am faltering and failing myself.
i seek Guidance from Him in this blessed month.
May we all be rewarded with His Pleasure for our endeavours.
Monday, September 10, 2007
hidden blessings
i did not initially intend to go for the gathering. because i already made prior plans.
but after Shaykh's advice, i decided to go.
because i shouldn't mope and be petty towards you.
but it was a decision with hidden blessings.
if i had not gone, i would not have met my cousin who is on a break from her England studies.
if i had not gone, i would not have met my friend who is finally back from Aussie.
if i had not gone, i would not have met my guardians who cheered me up loads.
if i had not gone, i would not have known if you had forgiven me, and that we were ok.
if i had not gone, i would not have had the opportunity to talk to you, and realise that you cared more than you show.
thankful indeed, i am.
but after Shaykh's advice, i decided to go.
because i shouldn't mope and be petty towards you.
but it was a decision with hidden blessings.
if i had not gone, i would not have met my cousin who is on a break from her England studies.
if i had not gone, i would not have met my friend who is finally back from Aussie.
if i had not gone, i would not have met my guardians who cheered me up loads.
if i had not gone, i would not have known if you had forgiven me, and that we were ok.
if i had not gone, i would not have had the opportunity to talk to you, and realise that you cared more than you show.
thankful indeed, i am.
to always do good, else intend to do good
i don't know if i have been selfish, egocentric or whatever. but the past few times, whenever i feel slighted, it was always that the world was set against me. and that nobody cared, and that nobody knew what i was going through.
and i set myself up to feel really angry and full of angst against whichever thing that made me begin to feel like that. and it is sometimes just so much easier to blame the predicaments i am in on others, and not because i am myself at fault, or certain aspects of me are not in harmony with others.
then Shaykh came and spoke to us about the weighing of one's deeds.
and what he said hit right home, as always.
"You may think that you have done good, that you have accumulated enough merit in life when you face your Lord. But when your good deeds have been fully accounted for, He will then call out for those whom you have oppressed, those whom you have hurt, those whom you have offended, those whom you have hated unrightfully, those whom you have felt angry against unrightfully... all these people will then be given shares from your deeds in compensation for your misdeeds against them, until there are no more deeds to give away, then shares from their sins will be added onto your own in replacement. So beware of yourself, and your own nature, because those who face this situation in the Hereafter are truly without assets."
i don't know how many people i have hurt in my life, either knowingly or unknowingly.
i don't know how many people i have hated, although i know that the number is substantial.
i don't know how many people i have been angry at, at the slightest of offences.
i shudder to think about my status in this matter.
so i apologise beforehand to all who read my blog, just in case i have hurt you all.
because i don't think i can bear the burden of my own doings.
and i set myself up to feel really angry and full of angst against whichever thing that made me begin to feel like that. and it is sometimes just so much easier to blame the predicaments i am in on others, and not because i am myself at fault, or certain aspects of me are not in harmony with others.
then Shaykh came and spoke to us about the weighing of one's deeds.
and what he said hit right home, as always.
"You may think that you have done good, that you have accumulated enough merit in life when you face your Lord. But when your good deeds have been fully accounted for, He will then call out for those whom you have oppressed, those whom you have hurt, those whom you have offended, those whom you have hated unrightfully, those whom you have felt angry against unrightfully... all these people will then be given shares from your deeds in compensation for your misdeeds against them, until there are no more deeds to give away, then shares from their sins will be added onto your own in replacement. So beware of yourself, and your own nature, because those who face this situation in the Hereafter are truly without assets."
i don't know how many people i have hurt in my life, either knowingly or unknowingly.
i don't know how many people i have hated, although i know that the number is substantial.
i don't know how many people i have been angry at, at the slightest of offences.
i shudder to think about my status in this matter.
so i apologise beforehand to all who read my blog, just in case i have hurt you all.
because i don't think i can bear the burden of my own doings.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
reasons to carry on
not suffering from burn out of course, no.
but just great moments in the career of choice, that cements the decision to step forward and carry on.
a client's sense of ability, that he can once again use his hands to comb his hair.
a client's sense of well-being, after completing a shower on his own.
a sister's relief that someone cares enough and understands what she's going through.
a wife's hope that her husband can once again get well.
a brother's elation that his sibling will be able to go and work.
a mother's joy and gratitude that her son can become more independent.
a family's opportunity to work together to grow as one.
reasons to carry on.
and reasons i have encountered.
but just great moments in the career of choice, that cements the decision to step forward and carry on.
a client's sense of ability, that he can once again use his hands to comb his hair.
a client's sense of well-being, after completing a shower on his own.
a sister's relief that someone cares enough and understands what she's going through.
a wife's hope that her husband can once again get well.
a brother's elation that his sibling will be able to go and work.
a mother's joy and gratitude that her son can become more independent.
a family's opportunity to work together to grow as one.
reasons to carry on.
and reasons i have encountered.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
step away, one step away
its possibly a decision that i make consciously.
to move a step away from you.
it was heartening to read about you, and to hear about you in the media, for all the hopes and aspirations that the community has placed implicitly on you.
even my family was talking about you.
and yes, these are proud moments for me too, having made your acquaintance.
but only being a close one for the moments which have so long passed.
and moments, which will never come again.
i know that life has taken you there, and that its not something that i can be jealous of.
because i know that the path you take, i can never dream of following.
your own talents and gifts have placed you opportunely, and as a friend, i can only pray that you succeed.
but as a friend, i feel i have lost you.
to what, to whom, i cannot say.
so i am stepping away, one step away.
its not far, just in case you somehow still need me.
but far enough, just so that it makes it easier for me to breathe.
to move a step away from you.
it was heartening to read about you, and to hear about you in the media, for all the hopes and aspirations that the community has placed implicitly on you.
even my family was talking about you.
and yes, these are proud moments for me too, having made your acquaintance.
but only being a close one for the moments which have so long passed.
and moments, which will never come again.
i know that life has taken you there, and that its not something that i can be jealous of.
because i know that the path you take, i can never dream of following.
your own talents and gifts have placed you opportunely, and as a friend, i can only pray that you succeed.
but as a friend, i feel i have lost you.
to what, to whom, i cannot say.
so i am stepping away, one step away.
its not far, just in case you somehow still need me.
but far enough, just so that it makes it easier for me to breathe.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
speech
good speech vs bad speech
sometimes i should practice the advice that one should remain silent unless one has something good to say.
in some traditions, Saiyidina Ali was reported to keep a pebble in his mouth, only removing it when he had something truly worthwhile to mention. even so, he would speak only what was necessary, and refrain from excessive speech.
i should endeavour.
cos my words apparently offend, irritate and anger others.
if addressing using terms of endearment are somehow offensive, then tell me please.
but pray, do not make fun of it.
sometimes i should practice the advice that one should remain silent unless one has something good to say.
in some traditions, Saiyidina Ali was reported to keep a pebble in his mouth, only removing it when he had something truly worthwhile to mention. even so, he would speak only what was necessary, and refrain from excessive speech.
i should endeavour.
cos my words apparently offend, irritate and anger others.
if addressing using terms of endearment are somehow offensive, then tell me please.
but pray, do not make fun of it.
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