three times

three times i tried, and three times denied
three times i cried, and three times in spite
three times i yearned and sought
three times all came to naught
three times my heart was killed
and forever it may remain sealed

sephia...what a song

Hey,Sephia
Malam ini ku takkan datang
Mencoba 'tuk berpaling sayang
Dari cintamu
Hey,Sephia
Malam ini ku takkan pulang
Tak usah kau mencari aku,
demi cintamu
Hadapilah ini
Kisah kita takkan abadi

Hey Sephia
I wont be coming tonight
I am trying to turn myself
Away from your love
Hey Sephia
I wont be returning tonight
Dont bother looking for me,
For the sake of your love
Face it,
Our love story will not last forever

S'lamat tidur kekasih gelap ku
S'moga cepat kau lupakan aku
Kekasih sejatimu takkan pernah sanggup
untuk melupakanmu
S'lamat tinggal kasih tak terungkap
S'moga kau lupakan aku cepat
Kekasih sejatimu takkan pernah sanggup
untuk meninggalkanmu

Goodnight my illicit lover
May you forget me with haste
For a true lover will never ever
Be able to forget you
Goodbye my unmentionable love
May you forget me with haste
For a true lover could never ever
Bring himself to leave you

Hey,Sephia
Jangan pernah panggil namaku
Bila kita bertemu lagi
Dilain hari
Hadapilah ini
Kisah kita takkan abadi

Hey Sephia,
Never ever call out my name
If ever we should meet
On occasion
Face it,
Our love story will never last forever

this is a song by indonesian band sheila on 7. i heard the song some time ago but i din really take notice of it. i actually only truly pay attention to songs when they are played with the right images at the right time. so while i was watching tv that day, they played the song as a trailer for an up-coming serial. and i got hooked.

and then as i was listening and looking at the lyrics, i realised that the song, while at first glance may appear to be typically lovey-dovey, i realised that it was actually not so. the song actually sings about an illicit affair which the protagonist no longer wishes to continue. and that he wants a clean break, with no traces that the love or affair ever took place between them. and this was a really refreshing outlook on love, where songs traditionally have been written proclaiming the sanctity and inviolability of love. love songs tended to carry a very stereotypical message, that true love will prevail, ideal in all senses, happy endings will follow...you know the story.

so a song about an affair gone sour(?) is indeed new. and it brings a new perspective to the jaded outlook that love songs convey.

so i give thumbs up for this song. i love it.

giving up on you

i'm so tired that i can't sleep
standing on the edge of something much too deep
it's funny how i feel so much yet cannot say a word
we are screaming inside oh we can't be heard

i will remember you
will you remember me?
don't let your life pass you by
weep not for the memories

i am sorry but i give up. Let's just take it like we never had anything special between us. I regret it had to happen the way it did. Sorry for everything.

Be well.

So it has been said, so it shall be done.
Let this be my doom, for as long as it is ordained.
I will it pass, and so it shall.

and no more it shall be, as i tried to make it before.
but this time, no more is true, and will hold thus.

prestige and practicality...friendship and enmity...melodrama of me

so so so...what has it come to now? me biting my fingers all day through just cos the future holds very uncertain things. i am damn sure that i do not want to ever do engine. but i am also damn sure that my parents will not be totally supportive. this decision i make is my own...truly my own. and i am left all alone to deliberate and to ruminate the possible effects of success or failure.

i will send in the application to occupational therapy, i might as well. but i should also be attending school in case i do not get it. but the lethargy of NTU has set in and rooted itself pretty well in me. i really dunno, because i really cannot stand the subjects anymore. and even if i do, i will be so far back that i might as well just take it all from the beginning, which i definitely do not want to.

and that is why i am biting my fingers, because like it or not, my exams are just too close for comfort. and these are exams that i have to take, like it or not. and i got to pretty much make sure that i make it through for it is still my back-up. sigh.

and i did try to make up. but there was just simply no response. so there.
do not say i did not try. and i will remind myself that i did try to no avail.
friendship ends? i do not know.

but frankly, it does not matter.

or does it?

wisdom speaks to you, do you listen?

as you can perhaps infer from the tone of my blogs lately, i am kinda depressed...well, was kinda depressed. but last night, i had this really really good talk with an angel, and she reminded me that i needed to love myself more before i go around loving others...since i will only have myself to blame if at the end of the day, i find myself crying.

i should learn to unexpect, rather than hope for things to happen. i should take good care of my soul, since they will not take care of it for me. i should not be obliged, rather i should want to. because in obligation there is expectation of return, but in wanting, there is just free giving. i must learn to smile at myself despite what others say or think, and i must learn to hold myself together despite what others do to bring or break me down.

if they do not appreciate me, i can always appreciate myself. if they do not love me, all the more i should love myself. it's not their fault if they cannot give back to me, but it's not mine either should i decide to stop giving. in that i will take heart.

the wisdom of an angel spoke to me and made me smile. the wisdom of an angel brought me up from my sorrow and gloom, and ignited that spirit again. to that angel, soon to be reborn, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

when wisdom speaks, listen.

all falling through part 3

the fleetingness of life

in memoriam of 3 souls whose passed in the months of january, february and march.

shuhairi's father, johari's father, and hafidz's sister.

God bless their souls and place them among His lovers, and grant them the much-needed respite from this cruel world. Amin.

just a reminder to me of how short life is, and how very fast everything can fly by, and how certain things should be cherished and held close for all time.

certain things like love.

all my plans, all falling through, will i ever love, in spite of you?

all falling through part 2

friendship and finances.

i thought that i had found the perfect group of people that i could share my secrets and concerns and worries and thoughts with. i thought that these people would actually be the one group among the many that i have, that would actually last me for the years that have been, the years that are, and the years that shall be. it all began so beautifully when we were all in secondary school. nine years it has been, and i had hoped that it would last for nine times that. when the first cracks appeared among other members in secondary school, i had thought that it was only temporary, and that all would be ok again in a few days. but that was not to be. those who sundered, remained so till today.

and in my fear and sorrow, i actually pledged to make myself the one constant force that would always withstand whatever changes that occur. i would be the one they could always turn to, to seek support, to seek counsel, to seek respite no matter what they did or how long they turn away from the circle. i would be that stone that keeps everything in place, and that stone everyone could lean on. and so that position i kept, and that attitude i stood by for the nine years that has passed.

but nine years is not a short time, and in nine years many things can change. i have come to accept that people change, either subtly or drastically, but that change does occur. this is nature. and my attitude in remaining the stubborn block that refuses to embrace change, will in due time, bite me when i least expect it. when i least want it to. and it has. and i feel the extreme pain of being hurt by myself, and those whom i strove to serve.

the love that i had dedicated, has finally worn itself out, a situation i never expected could happen. and i have lost faith in that kind of love. my dearest is lost to me, and my friends are no longer what they were before, both in their value to me, and to how they appear to me. the one closest to me, i shall not subject to my love because i do not wish for history to repeat itself. and the others, will never be able to appreciate me for who i truly can be, for i am shutting that part of me down, for the sake of myself and everyone around me.

all my plans, all falling through. all my friends aren't who they were, fool.

finances are killing me. killing me. killing me. money makes the world go round? money makes mine tumble upside down.

all falling through part 1

I shall separate this entry into a few portions. the first shall be my attempt to portray my appeal case to change my course of study, and the consequences of my appeal.

the second part shall cover my woes in friendship and finance.

the third part shall be a memoriam to three souls who passed into the next life.

so here goes.

i will begin with a transcript of the letter i gave to the Dean, with regards to my desire to undertake a course of study in SCI.

I am (name withheld), matriculation no. (withheld), from the School of Engineering (First Year). I am writing to inform you of my wish to transfer from my current course of study to the Communications and Information Studies course offered by SCI. Under the advice of my senior who is currently in her final year in SCI, I have decided to correspond directly with you in hope that your awareness will help facilitate the appeal process.

Sir, I appeal to you based on the following reasons. I believe that passion for the learning must exist before one can truly enjoy the education process. While I initially opted to study engineering, it was my heart’s calling to engage in a more social aspect of learning, a field of learning where I can be greatly exposed to society and the interaction between people. Indeed, many of my peers have reflected back to me that I was more suited for social sciences rather than engineering. They could not actually perceive me as an engineer. However, for some reasons, I went against the more logical and appealing choice and opted for engineering.

My fallacy proved itself in my first semester’s examinations results. I express my deepest regrets for not performing up to par for my examinations and I was deeply affected at having to face such depressing results. I fear that my morale would be further diminished if I were to continue in a course of study for which I have no heart to pursue. I do not wish to persist in this injustice that I had brought upon myself. I felt that I should seriously reconsider my future path and if necessary, rectify the matter as soon as possible. And that is why I have come to the decision to change courses.

I have heard from my Communication Skills tutor, (name withheld), that SCI has a different learning environment than that of School of Engineering. The lecturers and tutors are creative in their educational approach and they make learning ever so interesting. I would greatly desire to partake in such a vibrant environment which, undoubtedly, is more synonymous with my character and interests. And my tutor has kindly written a testimonial in support of my appeal, which you would find attached to this letter. Also attached are several other testimonials from my previous institutions of study which I hope will serve to strengthen my case.

Sir, university education is meant to prepare oneself for the life ahead and the career choices that one can make. Truthfully, I do not foresee myself in the engineering industry as I simply do not feel an affinity for it. On the other hand, being a very social person, I am more at ease with working with people and learning about them. My passion for writing, for meeting with people, for communications, cannot go unfelt and unanswered. And I firmly believe that SCI can definitely provide me with the knowledge and skills to develop my passion further and leave me fulfilled at the end of my term of study, while helping me achieve my aspirations in time to come.

Sir, I sincerely hope that you will regard my appeal with adequate attention, kindness and understanding. And I hope that you would assist in the expedient facilitation of my request. Please do allow me to present my case personally if you require any clarifications. I will be most open to an interview if the need arises.

I look forward to hearing a positive reply from you.

Thank you for your attention.

the initial response was rather encouraging. they actually prepared a test and an interview for me to go through. while the test went fine, the interview was to me a killer. i was unprepared for the cold audience that i was to face and the even colder shoulders that i was to rub. well, in the end, they decided that i was undeserving. so in an attempt to get the last laugh, i wrote in to the Dean once again expressing my regret.

I would like to express my deepest regrets for my inability to contribute to SCI in future, since my appeal has, quite unfortunately, been turned down.

It was, and still greatly is, my desire to be able to learn skills and knowledge that is closer to heart - skills that I felt could be provided and nurtured for by the educators at SCI. However, in my attempt to impress, I guess I forgot to prepare the things that were crucial to my successful appeal - my selling points as a potential student at SCI. And for that, I am truly disappointed in myself. I guess I have let myself down again.

But before I retreat back to my life as an engineering student, albeit unwillingly, perhaps I could entreat a few points that I observed on hindsight.

Firstly, the aptitude test that I had to sit for prior to the interview. The test assessed my abilities in vocabulary, news-editing and news-writing. I am surprised that I was actually tested for skills that I would have learnt and obtained had I been a student in SCI, but not as a "layman" to journalism. Don't you think that it is rather unfair, that if I obtained a poor grading on that test, it would be because I was unprepared as I was not initially taught the skills? The reason I appealed was so my desire to learn journalistic writing could be adequately addressed and so that I could receive whatever guidance that the tutors could provide. However, I have found myself in a position where I shall not even be given a chance to develop this passion and desire that I have.

Secondly, the interview session. While I have to agree that the interview had to be gruelling, and that being communication professors, the panel of interviewers were really cut out for what they did, I do not find it kind of them to have put me down by bringing up the issue that by virtue of my past results, I should have been denied any chances at all to enter SCI. Sir, surely as communicators, they would understand that the word "appeal" itself means a request that is made out of the normal frame or criteria that one is normally subjected to. And as it is, I have "appealed" on the basis of my desire, and the potential that I can see in myself and that you all at SCI also would, if only you would let me prove myself. I can see and I do see for myself that my results are not sufficient to qualify me. But I asked by virtue of passion, and potential, that I be accepted into SCI. I have nothing else, but my whole self to give and prove that I am worthy. But apparently, the panel of interviewers, with their "What's the headlines of today's newspapers?" and their expectations of me to possess a photographic memory of everything that I have read, did not deem me worthy of any chances at all. So I shall be left like a floundering fish on the sands of the shore, while the sea beckons but never truly embracing me with the life I need.

I do not intend any disrespect to any of the parties involved in my appeal case. I thank them once again for their time and trouble.

And my respects and gratitude to you Sir, without whom I would not even have had the chance for this liaison.

Sadly though, my disappointment at being rejected might be the only memory that I would have of SCI in times to come.

With deepest regrets

well, so my appeal fell through my fingers, just as everything is falling through them. i was greatly saddened, but Ratna told me that i actually should look to the bigger picture, and that there may be a silver lining to it all. well dear, i am still looking for it. my disappointment actually goes beyond myself, and i am grieved that i feel this way towards whoever it is.

and when my parents found out, they were saying that it was alright. but as i just found out, they were not actually happy that i wanted to change courses. which only verified my train of thoughts and assumptions. they want me to do engineering, or at least something just as prestigious. i brought up another option that i could take, and that was the occupational therapy diploma. but my mom was not too keen, and she counter-suggested that i retake my a levels and take medicine after that.

all my plans, all falling through. all my dreams, shattered by the cruel.

and hypocrite, i am

you know, this all is getting to sound a lot similar to what i wrote in my diary...the same themes, the same people, the same emotional outbursts and baggage... but since i never tire of it (or i hope i do not, otherwise this blog will cease to exist), i guess you just have to bear with my crap.

well, the most recent spat that i have has reached a peak. with me confronting him, totally going against what i said i will not do. i promised myself to be indifferent and carefree, and not be affected. and i was going on just fine, until a friend said that he thought i was pissed off at him. in my typical need-to-be-on-top-and-oh-so-noble-and-refined-and-in-the-right manner, i gave him a message, stating my not-pissed off state, but rather my unreactive state of being to his antagonistic ways.

and he apologised at apparently having misread me, though i think in truth, we both know that i am somewhat pissed. and he "excused" himself by saying that he too was taking "time off to be alone to think shit through." yah, ok, whatever. it did not really matter to me what he said, that part is true. but i just had to make my stand that i was not at fault, as always.

hypocrite, i am by two counts.

first i said that i do not care; but in fact i do, to protect me as the good guy.
second i said i no longer care; but in fact i still do, love lives still in me.

so, hypocrite, i am.

the worth of regrets

I did something i should not have done this morning. I slammed the door on my innocent mother who was just trying to bring to my attention what an idiot had done. I vented my anger on her when she did not deserve it. and i should not have. she did not deserve it. how could i have been just simply unthinking and done that?

my sister then messaged me and told me that i should not have done it. believe me, i know i should not have. but the deed's been done, and i cannot take it back. and i am sorry about what i did, and how it reflects on me, but i cannot take back that one impression that i made on my mom, and in my own mind. what the hell was i, as a son, thinking of when i followed my emotions and acted rudely towards the person who bore me up and gave me my life?

but what can i do?

it has been done.

sorry for it, but sorry doesn't mean anything much does it?
my regrets do not really take away the pain that my mother felt when i behaved unjustly.
sorry sorry sorry.
i cannot do anything much.

i feel exactly now like that idiot whom she was telling me about. and i curse that idiot because his deed made me be rude to my mother.

i curse him with an endless regret, that will only bring him pain and suffering, ever-increasing.

let him feel the worthlessness of regret.

of apologies and solitude

what is the use of apologies if one does not learn from one's mistake? why even bother repeating that word sorry, when all that it entails is a repetition of the deed that warranted it? why demean and de-value that sincere word which could save oneself from condemnation? why say it when you do not mean it? why do you trust that it will make everything ok again, when you yourself do not believe in its true value and live by it? why even bother?

and why do you claim to be alone when that solitude is self-imposed? why claim that you are alone, when that loneliness you bring upon yourself as an effect to your actions? why do you enoble that state of being which only arose from your lack of grace? you justify your ways by justifying your feeble self.

you really think too highly of yourself.

you are really, simply not worth it.

all flying away...

it is monday, and as of today two friends are away to australia...not coming back for a period of time...sad for me...and these two friends have in their time with me proven to be special in their own ways...the short guy has been rather irritating at times, but proven to be some sort of comic relief in the drabness of business life...and the tall girl has been no less of a good conversationalist and enlightening companion... and though time has been short between us, it has proven to be most fruitful in bearing my love for them... thank you, take care and study hard...till fate decrees we meet again. and to my ex-twin who's a hunk now...hahaha..be good and we'll miss you lots...don't be naughty down under...hahahhaha...what a pun...

well, talking about all flying away, i realise that i no longer crave for certain things and that i am more or less feeling rather ilked by the thought of my past desires. and since its all going away right, i am going to go with the flow, and just keep those cravings away. i dun want to be caught up in that web of apathy and unreciprocrated love anymore. it just all seems so meaningless to me now...

but at the same time, i do not want to lose myself in my own tide of carefree-ness. but me being me, i might just get carried away.

thank goodness for those who are my roots and keep me from being "gone with the wind".

hahahaha...i crack myself up at my analogies.

overstepping the boundaries

i place limits on myself so that i will not transgress whatever principles i have set in my actions and behaviour. and one of the most important limits that i have placed is the limit to my following emotions till it hurts people.

well, yesterday, being the emotional day that it was, left me with a really bad headache, which did not seem to subside even as the day passed. and all my planning for the time did not fall through, how i was supposed to spend my time dancing and then going for supper.

well, the absence for the dance was because of an insult which i took too personally, when the guy already said that he only meant it as a joke...and that he would support me if i took part in anything. but i chose to carry my emotions too far, and as a result, i did not go. i affected the two who did, and made one of them really pissed. for which i am sorry.

and since i did not go for the dance, and foreseeing the state of emotions that the two would be in, i decided against the supper as well.

but as it happened, the dance went very well, and the supper happened as well. and without me. i mean it is good that they can go on without me, because that is what i would have happen rather than having them being affected and cancelling plans altogether when i was the one with the mood swings. but it made me feel bad that i made a promise, or rather sort of gave my word, but then did not hold on to it. in that, i overstepped my boundaries.

but with respect to that someone, well, we had a meeting just now. and it was ever so apparent how apathetic that someone was. and i realised that i was actually affected by it. when i should not be. and i will try to not be. however, even a very close companion said that he could only sense a very superficial level of relationship with that someone when i brought up the issue.

which says that it is not my fault for feeling like this.

and that i am not overstepping my boundaries.

i like feeling correct.

bleargh

it's valentine's day and to all those who have their love out there, happy valentine's day. hold on and never lose faith in that dream and love, lest you become like me.

well, i am stuck at home since morning. though the day was initially full of plans, now i have made the whole day seem so empty and wasted. was supposed to go and meet my friends for a dance and then supper session in the afternoon, so i spent the better half of the morning sleeping in and watching cartoons and having breakfast.

then noon approached and i went online to chat with another group of friends, and told them my plans for the day. when they heard i was going to dance, they made some comments i would rather help myself forget. well, to them, i say thanks for the encouragement and support. well, for them, i made the decision to not go for the dance practice. and my whole day is now spoilt. i do not even feel like going for the supper now. all i want to do is to stay in my sanctuary, away from everyone who are so kind and loving.

i used to let these useless comments just pass me by. i used to stand strong and face whatever criticism with a smile. but lately, i have lost the strength to fight. and i am fearing that i am even losing my self-confidence. in my bid to not care, i know that i am not caring about other people in terms of the shit that they bring upon themselves, but am i also not suppose to care about what people say to me? i mean that has been a strength of mine, but i guess i am taking a really deviated approach to my life now.

which leaves me with a bad aftertaste in my mental mouth.

BLEARGH

and so...?

oops, i realised i sidetracked there.

back to my jadedness and Moulin Rouge.

well, so because of these selfish people, i have sort of become jaded. and i am in the process of becoming even more so, as i seek to protect myself from being hurt. to whom it may concern, good luck to you when you face me then. there was a time when i gave you chances, but i did not really see you taking good opportunity to reflect and change. everytime, all you said was that you wanted to change, but sadly the change was temporary.

it is difficult to change one's own character, i admit. even i have flaws which i would gladly trade for better virtues. but at least i can live with it. and unfortunately for either of us, you can live with your flaws too. and i will not make any more effort to try to change you. i have to accept that which i refused to accept many times before. that perhaps we are incompatible socially. so there. you can take yourself somewhere else or to someone else who will bear your faults with greater patience than i, and hopefully you find respite there.

so Moulin Rouge is no more a perfectly touching love story, it is just a fleeting imaginary impression of a love that can never exist here in the real world.

reminiscence

in a few days' time they are going to show the enchantingly beautiful Moulin Rouge on tv for valentine's day.
and i was too eager to watch it again, and could not wait. so i watched the one which i had on my computer. the show used to evoke a sense of longing in me. for a love that is pure and unadulterated, a love that will overcome all obstacles, a love that will bring two souls together in the most divine experience, that will leave both parties utterly breathless, a love that will never be able to bring forth words in description.

love.

but at the last viewing of it, somehow, i just did not feel that which i used to feel. the craving and yearning for that sense of emotion was not there. i used to cry watching it, because i could relate to it. or at least i thought i could. now, it all seems just too perfect and too impossible. i do not think that it is me that is jaded, but then again, i could be.

i used to be able to see all things in their beauty and appreciate fully the implications and value that they possess. but now, it is like i am blurred and clouded in my appreciation. i have been hardened by some things that have transpired in the past weeks, where my heart, slighted the number of times that it was, has grown rather cold. i tire of giving to others when others do not give back just as wholly. and i tire of that tired feeling. a problem persistent among many people is that they are selfish. but in their selfishness, they are protected from their emotions. but in my generosity of giving my heart to people, i expose myself, leaving me vulnerable to the words and actions of people. and my foolish ways lead me to people who are selfish. its almost like a double whammy. loving selfish people.

i gain nothing, but lose everything.

in the right mind, i should be saying "no, i shall not persist in my ways."

but being who i am, i go deeper and deeper, to a point of no return.

i want out.

revisited

well, it's been a few days now...and each time i get online (which is most of the time) i actually think of writing...but lethargy and a lack of mood always manage to stop me from logging on so that i can pen down my words of wisdom, or whatever anyone makes them out to be.

before this i actually kept a diary, in which i wrote pretty fervently due to my rather emotional nature then. but there was this point in time where i actually lost all taste for the writing. maybe its just because the things i wrote then, though close to heart, actually became pretty monotone. they revolved around the same thing - my emotional outbursts towards people. and it got so bad that i just lost the feel for it.

and that diary remains disused till today. and though i promised to make an effort to just pen in it, somehow it just does not happen.

but that does not mean that i appreciate the diary lesser than what it meant and for what it did for me. i still greatly respect the value and symbolism of the diary as a close companion to my younger days, and as a memory of my past, which nonetheless nonsensical, still shaped my being today.

as an afterthought, i just hope that i do not lose that sense of belonging or the passion for writing in here. i was very close to it...too close in fact. that was why i had to do a second take on my writing. i took inspiration from my other friends' blogs and well, here i am again.

tell me i need to get myself going again.

money

i am dead broke. and my financial accounting yesterday just proved that.
currently, i have a deficit of $125.

there.

i suck at money.

temper...temper

its a funny thing how the smallest of things can just diss me...especially coming from that someone...and its even funnier how after all that, i just want to make up. but pride and ego can make things even worse than they already are. and all that happens is that i get more dissed than i already am.

but they say, opposites attract.
what is it in that someone that i see, that keeps us together? i really cannot say.
and what is it that keeps that someone who composed and unreactive, that i have no other thing to do, but come closer and apologise, however subtle?

i dont know.

i once made that someone turn away from me because of my temper. i once turned myself away because of my temper. i hurt myself with temper. that someone hurts because of my temper.

temper causes a lot of things. retrospection for example. i think about my friends and what i have done, especially when it comes to that someone. and my love grows deeper, due to unexplainable causes. and for that effect, i am thankful.

but still, temper is temper. and i need to temper myself. for the greater good.

Empathy VS Apathy

I have always though of myself as someone who has good social skills...and that is further enhanced by my personality - emphathetic and insightful. Well, one day, i was invited to attend a function which i did not want to go to, for some reason or another. Events took place which assaulted my hold on myself and i was utterly distressed by the end of the day.

and in that night, i passed a judgement.

judgement. the final announcement of a verdict that was arrived at through meticulous assessment, with no bias except to logic and evidence.

that is the supposed explanation.

but my judgement is intuitive and emotive, very biased towards what i feel is right. and what i feel should be.
that judgement i passed that night, was made in a state of elevated emotions.
that judgement i passed that night, was made by pure inference and background knowledge.
that judgement i passed that night, was not a judgement.

mooted by prejudice and clouded by emotions.
that was the state of my mind for the few days that followed. and i did not get any comfort from those close to me. i had to resolve the issue myself. no help came my way.

and it did not help that the ones close had a mask of apathy. which i misread and thus unfairly judged them too. but where does the line in between standing up for what you feel is right, and being passive just because you do not think you can do anything, lie?

my empathy almost destroyed me. their apathy almost destroyed what was left of me.

between them and me, i am almost gone.