wisdom teeth extraction

going for it later today. minor op. forgive me if i have offended anyone. pray for me. will try to update with pictures.

i wonder

i wonder
if my way
leads me away
from you, everyday

i wonder
if my silence
amplifies the distance
that a step seems like oceans

i wonder
if my unsaid words
seem to accent the hurts
or do they go unnoticed like the hummingbird

i wonder
if i should go
would you even know
would your concern show

i wonder
if this fire dies
under the cold night sky
would its heat be sorely missed, or would you get by

i wonder
if my way
leads me away
from you, every moment, everyday

ERS

money come in, money go out.
bills fully paid.
loans still need to be serviced.
once again, bad with money.
'nuff said.

silencia et status quo

The precipitant for this entry is tied to my status as an alumnus of ntums. Although I have been counseled by some friends already and I am absolutely alright, it is just for the records that I am writing this, and to show that I have expressed my opinions on this issue before.

I find myself in a dilemma during and after events, when feedback is requested. And especially so when the people I am commenting on, are my peers and those I brought close to me. While on one side they need to hear what I have to say, on the other side, I don’t know what they have gone through to justify what I think how I think they should act. I based my comments on my own observations and on feedback made by others. But sometimes, as holistic as I wish to be and as unskewed as I want my comments to appear, my words still hurt those I never intended to. Because I am not in the fray of things. As it is, I am still technically an outsider, seeking the companionship of those whom I found most worthy. But my position puts me neither here nor there.

And I worry for the awkwardness that may arise from this ambiguity of who I am. Hence, the virtue of silence. Silence will keep me from being uncomfortable, and having the discomfort affect the working or personal relationships that I have already established. Of course, the silence has to be appropriately administered. But who is to control?

The reason perhaps I impose this, is because of the value of the friendships that I have with these people. Wrought of blessed intentions, and built upon by blessed deeds, I find myself tranquil when I work with them. And I don’t ever want to lose that feeling, and the love that I have for them is truly strong. We are exhorted to mix with good company, and with hose that enjoin goodness and bring us closer to the way of the Lord, and I will not deny, that I believe these are the people. Through them I have learnt many things. And I yearn to be with them sometimes, and I do reach out to them.

But they too have their own responsibilities and lives.
And I sometimes find myself reaching out to nothingness.

I am not ashamed to say, that I really love them. And that I fear, if the day comes that I drift apart from them. So recently, I asked a few of them, how long they saw me serving together with them? Indefinitely I was asking the state of things, and whether they saw me being around with them. The replies I got were varied, but most circled around me giving as much as I can and always being around whenever they needed me. And most importantly, they reminded me: that I am not serving anything else but His Purpose.

Which is true, I need to purify my intentions. The basis of the companionship was a gift from Him, and I should be thankful that I got to live the experience at all. Some people get by with less, and some people do not even have a group to properly call friends.

I just pray that with His Permission, these blessed friendships that I have will remain till the end.

NTU peeps reading this: Nizar sayang sekali.

Changing people

I was left reflecting on many things when the end of the year came around. One of these was the issue of people changing around you.

A friend of mine commented that she finds herself grappling when she tries to communicate with her friends. It is almost like there are two different worlds trying to assimilate into the conversation. My friend added that she feels like everyone else has matured, while she still remained the childish self that she was before.

I empathise with what she says. Again this situation rings true with me too. I too find myself struggling sometimes to speak the same language as my other peers. What seemed so easy to do before, now seems very, very alien. While I used to take pride in being a rather good communicator, I find that all that has changed.

Is it me, or is it the people around me?

We all live by our own principles, and our environments mould us to be the kind of people we are. The quake was a test of humanity in us, but I was appalled and greatly disappointed when the one person I thought would be the epitome of that humanity, declined to help out at an event. Yes of course, to each his own, and who am I to judge the hearts of others…but I was just hoping for more.

Hoping. Hoping means having Expectations. Having Expectations means having Standards to achieve. Having Standards that are high mean that some people cannot achieve these Standards, hence not fulfilling the Expectations and destroying Hope. Bringing about Sadness and possible falling out.

This issue of expecting certain things and behaviour from certain people, is what causes a great deal of conflict, among many of my friends and myself. I am trying my best to not expect, although you may say that it is only natural. But I wish to elevate whatever is it I have with other people, to a stage whereby it no longer matters what he or she does, as long as the conscience is clear. And that by just being, you derive satisfaction, which is more than enough.

Yet, I don’t know whether I will ever be able to.

I am trying. Really.

the quake that shook the world

I know I haven’t been updating a lot…because of my commitments and really hectic schedule…man, I even missed blogging throughout Christmas and the new year! But then, there is really nothing much to blog about, is there… there are much more important things happening that need the attention of the world.

An earthquake near Sumatra caused widespread damage, and claimed close to 200,000 lives when the consequent tsunamis devastated villages and destroyed entire tribes of people. God protect us from such calamities, and trying times.

This has to be the most frightful end of year event that I have ever experienced. To have such a terrible affliction come upon us, so close to where home is, and yet by the His Mercy, escape unscathed, is truly a reminder of how frail and helpless we are. It is also a reminder of our covenant with the Almighty, and that Man had better wake up, and realize how close he is to the end of times, and how necessary it is for him to return to his Lord, in humility and subservience. Indeed, Man has grown arrogant through the times, and forgets his duties and responsibilities to ensure the prosperity and harmony of Life. But we see Man taking lives, as if he were all-powerful; Man claiming victory over challenges he previously could not overcome; Man refusing to accept the proofs of the Creator; Man announcing his supremacy over all other beings; Man simply forgetting where he came from. The earthquake, to me, if anything, was a mere show of His Mercy – that while He could easily take everyone’s lives in the blink of an eye, He willed ONLY the earthquake and tsunamis, so that Man still has time to reflect and repent.

Masya Allah.

I was moved by the myriad footages that were shown over the media – of the waves rising onto the shore and inland, of the women and men crying over their lost ones, of the paths of destruction left behind by the waves, of the dead bodies being dumped in mass graves – the overwhelming sense of loss, grief and hopelessness. The humanity in me cried out for deliverance. And I needed to find an outlet to help those who needed it.

Alhamdulillah, with my NTUMS friends, I managed to help out at a collection centre for essentials items. Suffice to say, I did my part, however little it was. And it helped me move on from the grief that I felt.

I laud the efforts of those who continue helping to this day. May we all be judged kindly for our contributions.

And to everyone else, please do offer prayers for the lives lost, and pray for His Mercy upon our lands.

the revelation of greater plans...

i don't think i mentioned before about my disappointment in having rebutia cancelled.
no, this is not a complaint about that...so rest assured. when it was cancelled, it was just that many among us were trying to console each other, saying that there are hikmahs to the event not happening.

and i sit here today, contemplating those exact words.

23-27 december was the slated duration of the whole trip.
masya Allah, the things that happened in this time period.

first hikmah - sad one, but fortunately for me, turned out for the better. 23rd december, my grandmother was hospitalised for a high fever which did not subside. 25th december, my grandfather was hospitalised for high fever and shortness of breath. both my maternal grandparents were not doing very good, and were hospitalised two days apart from each other. alhamdulillah, they are recovering well now, and as of today, have been discharged. i dread to imagine if their conditions had not improved, and i was not around to be with them.

second hikmah - by His Grace and Mercy, i managed to personally meet with a shaykh of the Naqshbandi Sufi Order, Maulana Shaykh Md Hisham Kabbani. And while attending three days of lectures by him (26-28 decembar) and other eminent Islamic scholars, i met up with old friends, whom i dearly missed. if rebutia was about finding self-awareness and bonding with my friends, i guess He made it up for me by letting me go for a most enlightening lecture series accompanied by those i loved.

and a most intimate wish made since a decade past, has finally been answered.
All Glory be to Him, the Listener and Answerer, Most Subtle, Most High.

so despite my initial woes at not being able to leave the country on a vacation, i suppose that i have been taught a personal lesson in trust and tawakkal, and in the Divine Designs of Allah. and the pleasure of this lesson, and the experience that i have had these past three days, i guess only i can speak of it.

Reborn,
He who seeks the Way is given a compass,
The guiding light shines upon the Golden Path,
His chaotic heart finds tranquility,
In the gardens of Dhikr.

Ilahi anta maqsudi wa ridhaka matlubi, 'atini mahabbataka wa ma'rifataka.
Amin.

the shiny fiveheads 

zul baru lepas 

bdae babes

the mat and minah...haahaha...no lah. classic razak and yanni. 

pat mat tempe and mak petom 

shepherd pie maker ida 

kitsitra gathering 22 december 2004

hmm. i found it slightly weird that the above event was not mentioned in any of the blogs.
hmm. maybe i did not read about it or something.
hmm. maybe it is something so personally private, that it is only shared by the kitsitras.
hmm. maybe there is something i don't know.
hmm. maybe i hmm too much.
hmm.

but the gathering was simple and sweet.
good food, good company and love all around.

happy birthday to the birthday babies again.
and may the new year see all of us achieving greater heights.

pictures above.

who i am? really?

eXpressive: 7/10
Practical: 5/10
Physical: 4/10
Giver: 6/10


You are a XPIG--Expressive Practical Intellectual Giver. This makes you a Catch.

You are a magazine-cover, matinee idol dreamboat. Parents love you and want to set you up with their kids. However, first dates are tough because it takes time for your qualities to come out.

You are generous and kind. You think first and act later. You are cool in a conflict, but your practical side means if your partner throws out emotional appeals ("why can't we do what I want for a change?") they will grate on your nerves, even when the conflict is resolved.

You're a romantic. You enjoy the thrill of the hunt, and you don't just fall into bed with anyone. You pay close attention to your significant other's needs, and this makes you an excellent lover and partner. The problem is that your friends and lovers may find it so easy to express things to *you* that they lose sight of whether you feel as comfortable with *them*! This doesn't necessarily make you feel under-appreciated -- you're too well-adjusted and self-aware for that -- but you may feel restless. Thus you seek adventure in your life outside the relationship to prove and actualize yourself.

Of all the types, you would make the best parent.

You are coiffed.

Didja see "Big Fish"? 'Cause you're like Ewan MacGregor in "Big Fish."

Of the 169752 people who have taken this quiz, 9.3 % are this type.

kem kelana

kem kelana took place at masjid pertempatan melayu sembawang, just off sembawang park. this camp, like kemBARA was intended to impart basic skills of education, morals, and islamic values to kids who are at high risk of dropping out from school, due to familial, financial or other reasons.

some of my thoughts on the whole event.

i opted to become a station master, so that i will not be too burdened with the running of the camp. i have learnt that lesson before, and it was just a lot of work, something i was not ready to do. but on the second day, i was asked to be emcee, and i could not turn that down, for various reasons. after all, i had to help nonetheless, in all the ways that i could. though at the beginning i was rather shaky, i got the hang of it once more. and yes though i may have grumbled at having to undertake the position, i retract them. i am thankful that i was made the emcee, because it gave me the chance to work with the committee closer. and through the ups and downs of trying to get people to cooperate, and in decision-making, i guess i learnt new things, about people, about trying to organise events, and about working together. also, being emcee helped me get closer to the kids, which is part of the point of going to the camp in the first place. so there, all is well.

i busied myself as and when i could with the kids, talking to them, and playing with them. and got sufficiently bullied by the kids. hehehe. and somehow i am thankful that i got to do that. it sorta readied me to take on the next post, as facilitator. wakakkaka. anyone reading this?

a brother told me that he was not sure that everyone went home with something. i found it sad that these people could spend three days, and not learn. just kind of weird to me, how sometimes people are so blind to the lessons that are being taught to them through the events that happen around them. and how could they not even see what was being shared by the kids? it all returns to the original intention - what have you come to the camp to do? i guess it is this that makes anything and everything that was seemingly unpleasant to me, acceptable. i was doing it for the sake of Allah, and for the sake of the kids.

and the kids' hugs at the closing ceremony, and their tears, made it all worthwhile, all over again. sigh.

i did not cry as badly as the last camp. in fact i even managed to smile as i hugged the children. i guess i am better at controlling it now.

but the surety of longing for the kids is definitely there.
and the surety of longing for my friends, grows even more, the more i meet them.

Lord, love us all and bless us all with happiness and peace, and bring us ever closer in Your religion, Al-Islam. Amin.

iZar by Hammie

nice picture by a great multimedia artiste.
wakakkakakka.

2 words.

I LOIKE!

I'm no...

...superhero, no knight in shining armor, not a paragon of virtue nor a leader of men. I’ve most always been the bland one, the quiet one, the wallflower when spoken to; always looking for a modicum of acceptance in the social circle of whomever; never being too abrasive nor too submissive; always threading the fine line between great and less than zero.

I’ve not performed beautiful arias nor painted Mona Lisas, not built Great Walls nor won the Nobels. I’ve always been put in my place and thought that’s where I’ll always be; never reaching any heights of any particular greatness nor any depths of inner substance.

It’s been a long day, a rainy one even and all I wanted today was to be me. The simple one. The not so great one, maybe even the mediocre one. The one who didn’t have to be thought of as being a saviour of others nor the fount of eternal wisdom. The dispassionate one, the outside observer; the inert rock which lies on shifting ocean sands; the unemoting monster. If I cease to be me, am I the new self or just a reflection of the expectations of others? If I believe to be someone else for a long enough length of time, can I start believing a self-imposed personal illusion?

I wish you’d all have known who I truly am; but understand that I’d rather keep myself to myself when I felt like it; and you all, if you’d have stepped into my shoes would feel how maddening it can be to be misunderstood and yet feel an overwhelming relief of never having been known;

of being both exalted and a disappointment.

After a long day and a rainy evening, I’m no superhero, I just wanna be me.

- excerpt from Hammie's blog

afterthoughts.

quoted from shikin's blog, beautiful words indeed.

Time Tested Beauty Tips

"For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone...
People, even more than things,
have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed,
and redeemed and redeemed and redeemed.
Never throw out anybody.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands.
One for helping yourself, the other for helping others."

Sam Levenson

in a friend-zy

on an euphoric note,

i love my friends all so much.

*HUGS*