Dedication to a dear, dear brother

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed


I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance


I hope you dance, I hope you dance


I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making


Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...


I hope you dance (Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance (Rolling us along)
I hope you dance (Tell me who)
I hope you dance (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder where those years have gone)


I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance


Dance


Lee Ann Womack - Dance

i think the song aptly covers some of the things discussed, but at the same time, it summarises quite a bit of my hopes for you. if anything, remember this song from me to you.

ledang gathering & praesentia retreat

last saturday was a packed day for me...though one which was most enjoyable.
in the morning i made my way to mendaki for a gathering with the ledang peeps...
of which i was made in charge of photographs... i had to develop over 100 photos... and make a frame as a gift to mendaki... haha... it was kinda fun working through the photos and calling people up... somewhat made me feel useful... but i hated the fact that i could not stay long enough to play along with my kids... sani, sha, rahim, wan, wan galah, rino, ariff, hafiz, hariz... almost all came down... sigh... i miss them lots... but i managed to give aliff a call to speak to the kids... and relayed my apologies to them... so it was sorta alrite...


anyways, the reason i could not be with the kids, was because i was with another set of equally wonderful people... the praesentia peeps! haha... the seniors decided to have a show of appreciation for the juniors who managed to rise above the challenge to put up a great FOC... hence we designed the whole afternoon and evening around celebrating their efforts...


it began with asar at ghufran, after which they were presented with their special personalised items, and made to reflect on them. we sent them on a photo hunt of utterly ridiculous things around tampines. then they went to macdonalds to buy ice-cream back to ghufran, and were just in time for a short break and maghrib. after that, they were made to look for the restaurant which we were going to treat them at. meanwhiles, we set up the tables at istanbul restaurant, to make it look as if some big shots were coming... even the owner of the restaurant was asking who we were receiving at the restaurant... as soon as the kids arrived, we ushered them to their seats which were already labelled, and served them their drinks... and immediately after, the food was served. food was really filling, what not, with sweet and sour garoupa, fried baby squids, kangkong belacan, lemon chicken and vegetable soup. haha. there was even desert (fruit cocktail with jelly) to wash it all down. we had certificates presentation along the way, and quiz to award them with more titbits... and those dears, they gave US tokens of appreciations too!! which they painstakingly did up the day before... sweet rite? haha... me abu and shikin agree that it was a day most well spent and thought off...

yah... weekend update over!

hehe...

so so...what is it that i wanted to say?

erm. yah. so i been a naughty boy. and a really bad bad one at that.
so i got a scolding. and i repent from my idiocy.


i mustered the courage.
and apologised.
and made amends.


i hope that we are ok now.
and i pray that we do not go through that EVER again.


i already deleted the entries. (no i hid it away somewhere actually... my "diary")
and i thank you for being more magnanimous than you think you are.


and for finding it in you to forgive me.

lecture series by Prof Khaled Abou Fadl

had the opportunity to attend two talks by the above prof from the u.s., courtesy of dearest uan's invitations... and i did not regret attending them at all... the discourses meant a lot to me, as a social person, as a muslim both from a community point of view and a personal perspective.


the first lecture at hdb hub, was on the legitimacy of someone who claims to be speaking on God's behalf. the summary of what i got from the lecture was that everyone can speak out on his or her opinion, provided that the opinion is justified objectively (by the Quran and the Sunnah, and the exegesis of the scholars) and that all the evidence that exists to prove that opinion, is available to one and all. but no one can truly say that he speaks on God's behalf, for so Great is the He, that no one creation could possibly conceive His Divine Will. it is exactly for that reason that differences in opinions and diversity are allowed in Islam, and in fact therein lies the secret in the ayah of God, "Oh Mankind! We have created you from a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know (understand) one another." (Hujurat:13)


we were created to begin to get to know each other and celebrate, rather than eradicate, differences and diversity. each of the scholars may represent a certain perspective and hence hikmah to an issue, all of which are Mercies of the Divine Will. the creation of diversity is quite intentional, due to the knowledge that as humans, we would give different emphasis on different pieces of evidence and events. that was a truly beautiful thing to have learnt.


the other thing that i took back personally was the matter of the crisis that afflicts muslims nowadays. indeed, many people are rather free with their religious opinions and their own interpretations of matters - myself not exempt. the fear of speaking on issues of fiqh and fatwa has diminished greatly as compared to the past. prof reminded us of the past eras, where the Prophet's (pbuh) companions themselves were afraid of being held accountable in the Hereafter, for having possibly said something which is not right, even though they may have heard it from the Prophet himself. they would refer and re-refer, because no one could bear the weight and responsibility of speaking on God's and the Prophet's behalf. such is the level of humility and fear that they had. what of us? it truly set me thinking...


the second lecture was entitled, "the good, the bad and the ugly: seeking beauty in Islam". this lecture was taken quite personally by me. in it, prof discussed several moral characteristics and traits that describe and define the good from the bad, and the beautiful from the ugly. just to share, some of the traits that may group a person as being good include - to connect between people and to heal rifts, to forgive others, to practice humility and restraint, to control one's anger and hurt, to avoid friction and pick fights, to restrain against following one's whims and fancies. qualities that may categorise a person as bad - twisting the truth, listening in when one has no business, being harsh, calling other people names.


and i realised that for the good part, i am not there. and for the bad part, i am so there. i took the lecture as an admonishment to my own nafs. and i thought a great deal about what has happened lately around and about me. and it actually made me depressed, my own self-inspection. so, I decided to make some changes to my attitude, that i can at least take on some traits of mahmudah, and clear some mazmumah. i will detail some of the steps in the following blog.


yah.

berhenti berharap

Berhenti Berharap - Sheila on 7

aku tak percaya lagi

dengan apa yang kau beri

aku terdampar di sini

tersudut menunggu mati

aku tak percaya lagi

akan guna matahari

dengan mampu menerangi

sudut gelap hati ini

aku berhenti berharap

dan menunggu datang gelap

sampai nanti suatu saat

tak ada cinta kudapat

kenapa ada derita

bila bahagia tercipta

kenapa ada sang hitam

bila putih menyenangkan...

aku pulang...

tanpa dendam

kuterima.. kekalahanku

aku pulang...tanpa dendam

kusalutkan.. kemenanganmu

kau ajarkan aku bahagia

kau ajarkan aku derita

kau tunjukkan aku bahagia

kau tunjukkan aku derita

kau berikan aku bahagia

kau berikan aku derita

missing you

i suck at this.
but yah. i somehow do.

what we cannot escape from

it is inevitable that in the course of working together, there are some instances where we unintentionally misrepresent ourselves and our perspectives. this can be due to a lack of understanding between parties, stress and fatigue, a personal sense of inefficacy and incompetency and a lack of communal focus among the team members. here is where communication and support by the different parties involved are highly needed. without this communication, and attempting to clear up the air, we find that the situation takes a spiral turn downwards, and the dynamics of the team disintegrates.

there is only so much that we can do to help in such situations, and at the end of it, it all boils down to whether the team perceives what the problem truly is, and makes their own move to curb it before it affects them further.

i really hope that despite the fact that this issue is something we cannot run away from, at the very least, we have managed to lessen the negative impact upon the success of the event, while at the same time, from a positive aspect, improve the ukhuwwah between them and show them the need for communication and a constant retuning of their foci.

its all in the hand of God now.

the passing of a friend's father...

for all those who know adlin, her dad passed away this morning.
please gift a prayer and fatihah for his soul.

in retrospect, as i walked alone, i thought about how trivial certain things are when compared to death. how insignificant some of the things that are currently happening to me, and how i am handling them. it really brought home a point, of the frailty of life and of its temporality. i cried silently thinking about how we make unimportant things priorities in life, and forget its true purpose. sigh.

i guess even those who are still around need praying for.

end this

our stubbornness brought us both to this place. but i know neither of us will give in. i cannot see you anymore, nor hear of you, nor speak of you, nor think of you. my pain deepens everytime i do. in all equality, i shall not speak unkindly. but the disrespect towards me was more than i could bear. and like it or not, i cannot be that which i want to be - as how you cannot be what you want to be. so we are the same. and yet, while i erred on the side of emotiveness, you erred on the side of indifference. my hate erodes away at my hold on what i had once thought special and treasured. nothing binds us to each other now. not the past, not the present, nor the future.

empty. i see a void that will not be filled ever.

seek not my heart

Seek Not My Heart
by Kit McCallum

Oh gentle winds 'neath moonlit skies,
Do not you hear my heartfelt cries?
Below the branches, here about,
Do not you sense my fear and doubt?
'Side glistening rivers, sparkling streams,
Do not you hear my woeful screams?
Upon the meadows, touched with dew,
Do not you see my hearts a'skew?
Beneath the thousand twinkling stars,
Do not you feel my jagged scars?
Seek not my mournful heart kind breeze,
For you'll not find it 'mongst these trees.
It's scattered 'cross the moonlit skies,
Accompanied by heartfelt sighs.
It's drifting o'er the gentle rain,
A symbol of my silent pain.
It's buried 'neath the meadow fair,
Conjoined with all the sorrow there.
It's lost among the stars this night,
Too far to ease my quiet fright.
No, gentle winds, seek not my heart,
For simply ... it has torn apart.

learn to be lonely

Child of the wilderness

Born into emptiness

Learn to be lonely

Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you

Comfort and care for you

Learn to be lonely

Learn to be your one companion

Ever dreamed that out in the world

There are arms to hold you?

You've always known

Your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness

Child of the wilderness

Learn to be lonely

Learn how to love life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely

life can be lived

life can be loved

Alone.

saperlah aku

"paku dalam saku

paku datang dari seberang

aku adalah aku

aku hilang dalam terang"

a very interesting poem given to me by a friend.
we often hear this rhetoric being posed, "saperlah aku?"
and people get irritated by it, especially when it is used to garner pity.

i use it too for the same reasons.

but some other people use it to highlight their condition of always being abused and mistreated.
and i get very sad when they say it to me. cos i have nothing to say back to them.

left helpless.

galactica

this camp was held over 3 days @ ECP and Changi...
and despite the odds of planning, and how unready we were at the beginning, the camp turned out very well, and i believe beyond the expectations of many of us.

and at this camp, i realised the importance of always remembering the true intention of helping out at any activity. bro zul said to us at the very beginning - that we needed to purify our intentions, else all our efforts would go to moot. for me, it went further than that: it was almost a psychological issue. if i had not kept myself sane and grounded, knowing that i needed to do it for the kids, rather than for the adults, i don't think that i could have lasted. i told myself that this camp was for the benefit of the children, and not for the sake of proving the abilities of any one person... and it was only through repeatedly telling myself this, that i could bring myself to last the three days... that was how tiring and stressful being involved was.

but it all turned out good, and i am glad to have been a part of it anyways.
i just pray that people learn and see things differently now that the camp has ended, and that everyone becomes a better person having gone through this challenge.

hatchday

i used to think that my birthday was something special.
but it seemed as though it was not.
but its ok.

simply put, the ones who cared showed that they cared.
the ones who did not, well, did not.

the contradictions that run in my head are most irritating.
to love or not to love... soalan cepu mas.

tioman

immediately home from ledang, i had to pack for my next trip out to tioman. believe it or not, i only had 3 hours of sleep before i had to leave the house again.

but it was good of course. everything went very smoothly during our departure, and in no time, we reached tioman.

tioman, is almost paradise on earth.

to me, it was a wonderful sabbatical to have been taken. i really did not think of anything else while i was there. it was just the island, my friends and me. of course it helped that i did not need to think of any money issues while i was there, seeing that they (my friends) were covering my expenses for the while...

we had a great time swimming and splashing around in the beach just outside our chalet, chatting up the locals and expats who were holidaying there as well, gossiping and sharing our secrets (hehehe!), snorkelling (which is really tremendously fun and scary at the same time), and stuffing our faces full of anything that whets our appetite... it was really a no holds barred getaway, and i think that is what really made the difference for me... just 4 guys and everything to do!

haha, i miss tioman already.
next stop will be redang or bali.

or hell, let's take the diving course shall we??

ledang

from the 10-13, i went to climb the legendary mt ophir with my ntu friends. it was a most fulfilling and enriching trip for me. i went as a facilitator to a group of youths-at-risk, in the hope that the companionship that i could provide would somehow leave a mark, however small. although that was the official capacity of my expedition, i found myself making it a matter of personal achievement. mt ophir is after all, the sixth most challenging mountain terrain in the whole of malaysia, and to reach the peak is something to be proud of. although my ascent was not absolutely trouble free (what not with the cramps, and the heavy bags, of which i had to be relieved of before i could continue my climb), i have to say that i managed to feel exhilarated once i conquered the summit. another incident which happened tested my mettle to take responsibility and use my medical knowledge to manage a casualty, which i think i did ok, alhamdulillah.

but as always, its the people whom i am serving that i should be most worried about. i am glad to say that despite being in the most rowdy, loud, obnoxious, insane team ever of boys, we managed to hit it off, and we managed to hit it off good. there was a good rapport, which became something more at the end. and i know that as how i felt it, the boys felt it too. and it was something good.

so that is ledang in a breath - sigh.

we are just humans.

"God does not burden any human being with more than he is well able to bear"

I feel that this ayah is one that indicates how strong God has created Man, in terms of his resilience and his ability to overcome adversity. It is not a statement of an end, but a statement of process and development. Through the tests and trials that He wills upon us, our faith and our principles are given the necessary fortifications, and our belief is bolstered. It is important to always view these trials that come upon us with a greater perspective than our own immediate environment, otherwise, we may be in danger of losing our hope. Remaining positive, and remembering that God is Kind and Merciful towards His creation always, helps a great deal in moving us on from our worries.

The gravity of the problems that afflict us are usually in proportion to the amount of faith that we have. And conversely, it is the amount of faith that we have that allows us to see the magnitude of the problems. I feel that this is already a mercy that is granted to us.

At the end of it, we are just what we are: humans.
And not all power is in our hands. We can only do what we can, and hope that He is happy with our efforts.

Wallahu 'alam bissawab.

envisage, onwards, prosper!

had a very interesting seminar for youths and volunteerism.
congratulations to the ntu team for clinching the most creative team award. most deservingly i must say.

went on to darul makmur for the youth carnival. met up with dearest juniors, fauzy, abu sufian, hakim and azrul. was another successful event i must say. enjoyed myself thoroughly.

both the events were featured on tv. hehz.
it puts a smile on my face thinking about it.
hehz.

of friends

many things have happened.
to my circles, another set has been added, courtesy of the sri lanka expedition.
really good, fun-loving people. replete with the emotional attachments.

of the old, many have been renewed and revisited. for that i am truly thankful and happy.

i met with big groups of each circle very very recently. and hence i feel fulfilled.
my dears, my lovers, my babies, my brothers and sisters - all of them taking their own space in my heart.

how can i not feel full?

this june

busy as a bee.
flitting all over to learn and serve.
i just hope that i will be happy at the end of it.

dr t is back from kuantan. finally.

can't wait for everything to be over.
when i can breathe freely again.