exams begin tomorrow

and tomorrow is no more than 5 minutes away.
i am a real doofus.
did not even pick up a book to study.
and this was supposed to be study week.
hahaha.

oh God.

i just hope i get through.

to move on when its time to

i had my sensory dysfunction practical exam just now. the lecturer had already warned us before hand, that many of the the failures of the past, used to have problems with this module specifically. so i was worried. and duly so, because i had missed one lesson of this module, and i never really caught up with the skill that i had missed in that one class.

i was quite the jitterbug as the time came for me to take the practical. you were alone, in that room. and two lecturers were there. one to observe, the other to behave as how the patient would. both would give their remarks to score the assessment after i was done. it began quite well, and i was not as nervous. but once it came to handling the lecturer, i began to fluster. i forgot to give cues when it was necessary, and i forgot to facilitate when it was necessary. i forgot all that i had learnt and attempted to internalise the past couple of weeks of intensive practice. i left that room today feeling most disturbed and disappointed.

and unfortunately, i blamed myself for not being able to do what i needed to do. and for somewhat fulfilling the trend.

and images of what i should have done, and what i could have done, keeps appearing in my head. and it is really not a good feeling to have.

but no point crying over spilt milk, as they would say. its over and done with. nothing i do will change anything. and somehow that just makes me more incensed.

but yah. move on when its time to. cos no point harping over something like this. all i can hope for is that the lecturer did see what i was trying to do, and that i was trying my best. i still have a whole week of exams to take. and i cannot afford to become consumed by my own engineering. so i must let go.

let go.

gain some, lose some

grey's gave a very typical but most moving depiction of the above adage.


this week's episode showed how everything moves in its own cycle, but the harmony is somehow maintained between all parties. meredith finally really broke off with derek, but in exchange, gained back george and got a hottie vet boyfriend. izzie gave up trying to cheer her patient, but in return got her man back. alex gave up waiting for other people, and saved a life in return. john cho gave an apology and expected to get beaten up, but he received forgiveness instead. the mother died, but the father received a child.


just makes you wonder and rethink your life again. how many times have we simply chosen to not look at what we have gained in return, and focus on all the losses in life? i think as humans, we are simply that. self-centred, and motivated primarily by self gain. and that is why, when things do not go our way, we go all out to show the supposed injustices that have happened to us, and we whine and wail about all that we do not agree with, or does not conform to our perception of having a good life. we simply disregard the many times that good things have happened to us, that we have been blessed with, just cos this one moment of displeasure or discomfort afflicts us.


i am not exempt. i think i am especially like this when it comes to relationships. i fatalise and catastrophise every single event that does not happen the way i want it to happen. every argument that takes place, is unfortunately, another statement of the end. and that is why i never seem to be really happy. and then what is worse, is that i top everything off with an "i am ok, i will get through this, i don't need you" comment... which works for the immediate duration after, but really kills me after i am through with my own invincibility fable.


point is, i need to be more happy about the things that i have going my way, rather than look at the dark side of life whenever i get down. and maybe then i will be able to find strength, true strength, from myself. and maybe then i will be able to define myself for who i really am. and then i would have gained more than i lost.

living someone else's dream

i am tired of people telling me that i should do this, and not do that.
join this, and join that.


is my life mine to lead, or yours to direct?


it is just absolutely irritating when people make decisions for you, and think that just because you are younger than them, you will not object to these decisions. for crying out loud, we are living in the 21st century, get a life! how you lived your life in your past is seriously, SERIOUSLY not the same as how we are living ours now. i have my own set of commitments, which leave me with little time for myself. and yet there you are trying to stuff down my throat what you think i should be doing with my time, with little regard to what i feel or whether i have any interests at all in whatever you are thinking of spoonfeeding me.


and just because you are an elder, you think that by all accounts your way is right.


fortunately for me, i am more discerning and assertive than you thought i would be. you think that i would take that path that you wished you had taken yourself. you wished that i would be a pawn in your life, something that you can say, hey i helped put him there. you wish for others to be so much more like you, cos you think you are the most righteous man alive just because you serve in the mosque.


puh-lease.


don't play the i-am-holier-than-thou card with me. it just doesn't work, especially when it comes from someone like you. don't try your sales pitch with me, because i really don't agree with your methodologies. and don't try to make me turn into you, because frankly, i don't think you are anything much to emulate.


live YOUR life the way you think it should be lived.


let me live MINE the way i want to live it. i have long given up the dreams of others to live my own. learn to respect that, and maybe there is still some saving grace for you.

ramadhan night two

its past midnight now. and i cannot sleep. haha. although there are many things that i can do to better use up the time, especially in this month, let me just pen some things that randomly cross my mind.


first of all, i love this new skin. gothic, mysterious, simple, and yet i can play with so many things for the html. haha. thats why i left the credit to the person who created this skin, cos really, he deserves it.


second thing that crossed my mind was about friends. was just watching this show "miami ink". showed five guys who were bestest of friends and who came together for the love of their trade: tattooing. and i think it was a repeat telecast... cos it was the episode when they all came together to open the shop, and all the teething problems came up. anyways, watching that show left me wondering if i did make any plans with anyones to have anything like that, anytime in the future. and whether that future that we had planned, in the eventuality, would turn out, or merely become a figment of the past. i think my perception of friends is skewed, in my own ways. i guess when it comes to companionship, i am a romantic. and i have to say that i think my perceptions of what friends should be like is really very influenced by "Friends", which coincidentally showed immediately after miami ink.


anyways, unfortunately for me, friends change. things change. everything changes. and my ring represents this. i know i am not very good with change. and i bought that ring to remind me of that. and that when at all everything moves along, i must learn to seek some respite in myself. and maybe sometimes, i am all i have. this is not to say that i am swearing off friends, of course i will never do that. but we all have our alone time. and we all need our alone time. and in some instances, we are truly alone. at least that is how i feel. no no i am not getting into another one of my depressive periods. introspection is not equal to depression, although it may lead to it. haha. but again, no, i am not depressed.


its really funny how i am coping at this instant, with all the changes and lack of contact that i have been experiencing. i have always hoped for the moment i can truly be detached from myself and all whom i have tied myself to, without feeling guilty that i am throwing away bonds which i have so painstakingly built. maybe i am moving on without me noticing. maybe i am just too distracted. maybe i choose to not care. maybe this. maybe that. ahaha. i am fast becoming incoherent.


i think everyone is moving away. so move as you must move. maybe you will find me here when you return, maybe you wont. let us leave all things now up to chance shall we? if fate decrees so, who are we to then say no?

on the first day of ramadhan

sometimes things just creep up on you and give you a surprise...
it was like that for me, let me tell you, for this ramadhan.


i was of the perception that ramadhan was going to begin on sunday night instead of saturday night... and i was rather unprepared to welcome it. that was why i questioned juni when her nick appeared to be miscalculating the number of days to ramadhan, and when my auntie asked if i was going for tarawih, i told her that it begins the day after...


then i read the papers, and it said, "fasting begins tomorrow"... then i visited MUIS' website... and the date read 1st ramadhan... and i was like...o'oh... was i so badly caught up in work that i could have absolutely misplaced ramadhan in my key priorities? i am of the mind that i did.


but it was all well... did what i needed to do. after maghrib i prepared myself to go to the mosque for the first tarawih prayers. always felt that it was more obligatory to go on the first day, to welcome the blessed month in congregation... and to try to go for more of the congregational prayers unlike how i have been the past ramadhans...


i think i was given a small gift at the mosque. to be able to observe beauty. i will leave it there.


but other reflections came in fast and furious. the imam misread some ayahs from simple surahs. i am not blaming him for it (even though he is an ustaz). the mistakes made by someone of his stature merely shows me that again, no one is infallible. even the best of us make mistakes. and this month is given as a respite to us, to make good all the wrong we have done in the past year, to cleanse ourselves from indulgences, and all in all, to make us humble in our ibadah. we need to seek rahmah(mercy), maghfirah(forgiveness) and freedom for the torments of the fire. there was a short sermon given after the tarawih session. that moved me quite a few times. realising my own shortcomings and limitations, the sermon extolled making ramadhan the stepping stone to a life better disciplined as a muslim. i know that i have not been such a good muslim the past year. and what was said, echoed my own sentiments and regrets.


somehow that sermon delivered on the first night drove home to me the point that there is a need to strive and make amends. make the fasting something more significant to you tha n merely attaining hunger and thirst and feeling week. strive to Him, and by His Grace, you might just achieve it.


insya Allah, i will do my best.


to those who still visit this asylum, blessed ramadhan to all.

for the sake of my absence

haha... what a title for a post.

but yes. i know that it really has been a while since i wrote. and despite saying that i was back in august, i did not write anything. till today at least.

well, the reason i chose to pen tonight, is because i know that i would be truly retreating into my own world pretty soon. if you all havent noticed yet, i already began.

just some brief updates then i suppose.

its 3rd year, the year when it all culminates. whether i become an OT or not truly depends on the outcome of this year. hence i have got to make things happen.

fyp will be a killer i tell you. i have been spending more time in school than at home, cos of this three letters. i have been lugging my lappie and what nots... transferring libraries of references of articles and journals and books, just so that i am ready and prepared. and yet, i am not.
my sup has a way of disarming you from all the preparations in the world. fyp = for you, pain.

that aside, the 3rd year modules are really heavy, requiring integration of work from years 1 and 2. the exams are due in 2 weeks, and i am seriously SERIOUSLY afraid that i would not be able to maintain my standards.

clinicals. wanted to go aussie, but too close to raya for comfortable departure. so i decided to postpone it for next year instead. hope i wont be challenged by the smart ones. haha.

as u can see, its all school now.

but i miss them friends of mine. unfortunately, time is not on my side. so all i can say to those who read this blog, i love you. drop me a message now and then to remind me of you. and to remind me that you are still around. i would need that human presence, to rid my baggage of academia.

*breathe*

...

...
...
...

i am back.

incomplete by BSB

hehe... latest song philia...
dunno whats up with me and songs with nice piano beginnings...

Incomplete

Empty spaces fill me up with holes

Distant faces with no place left to go

Without you within me

I cant find no rest

Where Im going is anybodys guess

Ive tried to go on like I never knew you

Im awake but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

But without you all Im going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on

But I am swimming in an ocean all alone

Baby, my baby

Its written on your face

You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I dont mean to drag it on, but I cant seem to let you go

I dont wanna make you face this world alone

I wanna let you go

Backstreet Boys

if i fall in love...

taken from a dearest brother's blog...which he quoted from another blog. but i too feel that it is a necessary reminder for the whole lot of us, who often forget the true meaning of the word love, and the true intention of love, and to whom love should be directed to.


i am guilty of such trangressions.

"Ya Allah, jika aku jatuh cinta, cintakanlah aku pada seseorang yang melabuhkan cintanya padaMu agar bertambah kekuatanku untuk mencintaiMu. Jagalah cintaku padanya agar tidak melebihi cintaku padaMu.

Ya Allah, jika aku jatuh cinta, izinkanlah aku menyentuh hati seseorang yang hatinya bertaut padaMu agar aku tidak terjatuh ke dalam jurang cinta semu.

Ya Allah, jika aku jatuh cinta, jagalah hatiku padanya agar tidak berpaling dari hatiMu.

Ya Allah, jika aku rindu, jagalah rinduku padanya agar tidak lalai merindukan syurgaMu.

Ya Allah, jika kau halalkan aku merindu kekasihMu, jangan biarkan aku melampaui batas sehingga melupakan aku pada cinta hakiki dan rindu abadi hanya kepadaMu.

Ya Allah, engkau mengetahui bahawa hati-hati ini telah berhimpun dalam cinta padaMu, telah berjumpa dalam taat padaMu, telah bersatu dalam dakwah padaMu. Telah berpadu dalam membela syariatMu. Kukuhkanlah ikatannya, ya Allah. Kekalkanlah cintanya, tunjukilah jalan-jalannya. Penuhilah hati-hati ini dengan nurMu yang tiada pernah pudar. Lapangkanlah dada-dada kami dengan limpahan keimanan kepadaMu dan keindahan bertawakal di jalanMu."

whats with the hiatus again?

as many of you may ask... haha...


well, its just the school heebie-jeebies all over again... lessons are getting along fine, apart from the fact that they begin early and end late... to the point that we come to school before dawn and leave school after dusk! ok i am exaggerating here... but the point is that time has really been very squished and it is rather difficult to squeeze in other things into the already packed schedule that i have.


that's my main complaint for the past weeks.


so now here are the updates!


ever since the last entry, of course many things have happened... DUH!
more important stuff to me are:


1) i have been elected president of the SHS Club, a branch of the SU. and with it comes the whole chore of running a committee... and having to initiate plans so that the club and the management committee can grow... so thats quite a headache actually. but i will do my best. i actually got quite a hyped-up committee, and we just hope that our choices work out to the best.


2) i did NOT get the goh chok tong promise youth award, which is a scholarship for non-traditional areas of interests and study. according to a minister i spoke to, there were 52 competitors for the award, and i was ousted. well. you get some, you lose some. but damn, i need to seriously ask for a sponsorship.


3) NTUMS has already decided on the 19th exco, and i am proud to say that some of my dearest friends have been given the mandate to lead this year round. i wish them the best of times, and pray that all will be well.


4) NYPMS is also being set up, and i have been in constant liaison with the relevant people to try to consolidate efforts in this matter. pray for me in this matter.


5) i want to go to aceh end of this year, to help out the darussalam youths under whom this project is drafted. but attachments are in that period as well, so it may be difficult to do so. unless of course i ask the clinical coordinator to modify my schedule. hmm... but i will miss a few people's birthdays... those whom i love too. compromise compromise...


6) finally realising the need to lose some weight, and taking more definite steps to it. am going for more active activities at least twice a week, which includes swimming, and brisk walking... and as rejab, syaaban and ramadhan are already right at our doorstep, the fasting should also complement my efforts. i hope to lose at least 20kg by end of the year.


7) studiotraffic, my internet income generator, is finally paying off. i got my first cheque for USD 40 in july, and hope to see the money grow even more in the times to come.


8) i love you all very much. and i miss you very much.


there...done!

Dedication to a dear, dear brother

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed


I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance


I hope you dance, I hope you dance


I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making


Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...


I hope you dance (Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance (Rolling us along)
I hope you dance (Tell me who)
I hope you dance (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder where those years have gone)


I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance


Dance


Lee Ann Womack - Dance

i think the song aptly covers some of the things discussed, but at the same time, it summarises quite a bit of my hopes for you. if anything, remember this song from me to you.

ledang gathering & praesentia retreat

last saturday was a packed day for me...though one which was most enjoyable.
in the morning i made my way to mendaki for a gathering with the ledang peeps...
of which i was made in charge of photographs... i had to develop over 100 photos... and make a frame as a gift to mendaki... haha... it was kinda fun working through the photos and calling people up... somewhat made me feel useful... but i hated the fact that i could not stay long enough to play along with my kids... sani, sha, rahim, wan, wan galah, rino, ariff, hafiz, hariz... almost all came down... sigh... i miss them lots... but i managed to give aliff a call to speak to the kids... and relayed my apologies to them... so it was sorta alrite...


anyways, the reason i could not be with the kids, was because i was with another set of equally wonderful people... the praesentia peeps! haha... the seniors decided to have a show of appreciation for the juniors who managed to rise above the challenge to put up a great FOC... hence we designed the whole afternoon and evening around celebrating their efforts...


it began with asar at ghufran, after which they were presented with their special personalised items, and made to reflect on them. we sent them on a photo hunt of utterly ridiculous things around tampines. then they went to macdonalds to buy ice-cream back to ghufran, and were just in time for a short break and maghrib. after that, they were made to look for the restaurant which we were going to treat them at. meanwhiles, we set up the tables at istanbul restaurant, to make it look as if some big shots were coming... even the owner of the restaurant was asking who we were receiving at the restaurant... as soon as the kids arrived, we ushered them to their seats which were already labelled, and served them their drinks... and immediately after, the food was served. food was really filling, what not, with sweet and sour garoupa, fried baby squids, kangkong belacan, lemon chicken and vegetable soup. haha. there was even desert (fruit cocktail with jelly) to wash it all down. we had certificates presentation along the way, and quiz to award them with more titbits... and those dears, they gave US tokens of appreciations too!! which they painstakingly did up the day before... sweet rite? haha... me abu and shikin agree that it was a day most well spent and thought off...

yah... weekend update over!

hehe...

so so...what is it that i wanted to say?

erm. yah. so i been a naughty boy. and a really bad bad one at that.
so i got a scolding. and i repent from my idiocy.


i mustered the courage.
and apologised.
and made amends.


i hope that we are ok now.
and i pray that we do not go through that EVER again.


i already deleted the entries. (no i hid it away somewhere actually... my "diary")
and i thank you for being more magnanimous than you think you are.


and for finding it in you to forgive me.

lecture series by Prof Khaled Abou Fadl

had the opportunity to attend two talks by the above prof from the u.s., courtesy of dearest uan's invitations... and i did not regret attending them at all... the discourses meant a lot to me, as a social person, as a muslim both from a community point of view and a personal perspective.


the first lecture at hdb hub, was on the legitimacy of someone who claims to be speaking on God's behalf. the summary of what i got from the lecture was that everyone can speak out on his or her opinion, provided that the opinion is justified objectively (by the Quran and the Sunnah, and the exegesis of the scholars) and that all the evidence that exists to prove that opinion, is available to one and all. but no one can truly say that he speaks on God's behalf, for so Great is the He, that no one creation could possibly conceive His Divine Will. it is exactly for that reason that differences in opinions and diversity are allowed in Islam, and in fact therein lies the secret in the ayah of God, "Oh Mankind! We have created you from a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know (understand) one another." (Hujurat:13)


we were created to begin to get to know each other and celebrate, rather than eradicate, differences and diversity. each of the scholars may represent a certain perspective and hence hikmah to an issue, all of which are Mercies of the Divine Will. the creation of diversity is quite intentional, due to the knowledge that as humans, we would give different emphasis on different pieces of evidence and events. that was a truly beautiful thing to have learnt.


the other thing that i took back personally was the matter of the crisis that afflicts muslims nowadays. indeed, many people are rather free with their religious opinions and their own interpretations of matters - myself not exempt. the fear of speaking on issues of fiqh and fatwa has diminished greatly as compared to the past. prof reminded us of the past eras, where the Prophet's (pbuh) companions themselves were afraid of being held accountable in the Hereafter, for having possibly said something which is not right, even though they may have heard it from the Prophet himself. they would refer and re-refer, because no one could bear the weight and responsibility of speaking on God's and the Prophet's behalf. such is the level of humility and fear that they had. what of us? it truly set me thinking...


the second lecture was entitled, "the good, the bad and the ugly: seeking beauty in Islam". this lecture was taken quite personally by me. in it, prof discussed several moral characteristics and traits that describe and define the good from the bad, and the beautiful from the ugly. just to share, some of the traits that may group a person as being good include - to connect between people and to heal rifts, to forgive others, to practice humility and restraint, to control one's anger and hurt, to avoid friction and pick fights, to restrain against following one's whims and fancies. qualities that may categorise a person as bad - twisting the truth, listening in when one has no business, being harsh, calling other people names.


and i realised that for the good part, i am not there. and for the bad part, i am so there. i took the lecture as an admonishment to my own nafs. and i thought a great deal about what has happened lately around and about me. and it actually made me depressed, my own self-inspection. so, I decided to make some changes to my attitude, that i can at least take on some traits of mahmudah, and clear some mazmumah. i will detail some of the steps in the following blog.


yah.

berhenti berharap

Berhenti Berharap - Sheila on 7

aku tak percaya lagi

dengan apa yang kau beri

aku terdampar di sini

tersudut menunggu mati

aku tak percaya lagi

akan guna matahari

dengan mampu menerangi

sudut gelap hati ini

aku berhenti berharap

dan menunggu datang gelap

sampai nanti suatu saat

tak ada cinta kudapat

kenapa ada derita

bila bahagia tercipta

kenapa ada sang hitam

bila putih menyenangkan...

aku pulang...

tanpa dendam

kuterima.. kekalahanku

aku pulang...tanpa dendam

kusalutkan.. kemenanganmu

kau ajarkan aku bahagia

kau ajarkan aku derita

kau tunjukkan aku bahagia

kau tunjukkan aku derita

kau berikan aku bahagia

kau berikan aku derita

missing you

i suck at this.
but yah. i somehow do.

what we cannot escape from

it is inevitable that in the course of working together, there are some instances where we unintentionally misrepresent ourselves and our perspectives. this can be due to a lack of understanding between parties, stress and fatigue, a personal sense of inefficacy and incompetency and a lack of communal focus among the team members. here is where communication and support by the different parties involved are highly needed. without this communication, and attempting to clear up the air, we find that the situation takes a spiral turn downwards, and the dynamics of the team disintegrates.

there is only so much that we can do to help in such situations, and at the end of it, it all boils down to whether the team perceives what the problem truly is, and makes their own move to curb it before it affects them further.

i really hope that despite the fact that this issue is something we cannot run away from, at the very least, we have managed to lessen the negative impact upon the success of the event, while at the same time, from a positive aspect, improve the ukhuwwah between them and show them the need for communication and a constant retuning of their foci.

its all in the hand of God now.

the passing of a friend's father...

for all those who know adlin, her dad passed away this morning.
please gift a prayer and fatihah for his soul.

in retrospect, as i walked alone, i thought about how trivial certain things are when compared to death. how insignificant some of the things that are currently happening to me, and how i am handling them. it really brought home a point, of the frailty of life and of its temporality. i cried silently thinking about how we make unimportant things priorities in life, and forget its true purpose. sigh.

i guess even those who are still around need praying for.

end this

our stubbornness brought us both to this place. but i know neither of us will give in. i cannot see you anymore, nor hear of you, nor speak of you, nor think of you. my pain deepens everytime i do. in all equality, i shall not speak unkindly. but the disrespect towards me was more than i could bear. and like it or not, i cannot be that which i want to be - as how you cannot be what you want to be. so we are the same. and yet, while i erred on the side of emotiveness, you erred on the side of indifference. my hate erodes away at my hold on what i had once thought special and treasured. nothing binds us to each other now. not the past, not the present, nor the future.

empty. i see a void that will not be filled ever.