i may have gone overboard

so out of respect for you, i apologise for my ranting online.
i removed the post already... so no one can read it now.

takmo marah ok?

al-fatihah

if you all read the newspapers today, you will chance upon a story about 2 women who died in a motorcycle accident.

one of them, Siti, is my brother's girlfriend.

please gift your prayers for her, and her friend as well.

and to all of you who read my blog, and ride motorcycles... please do take extra caution, because the risks of riding are clear. take care ok. because its going to be torment for me if anything happens.

bite back.

haha.

urm, kalau yang terasa tu eh, memang patut lah terasa.
tapi sebab dah terbalas kan, takpa la... nizar memaafkan.

and kalau sakit kan, memang padan muka, tapi nizar pon mintak maaf.

and bagus lah kalau dah baca, at least you now understand.
because whatever i write is usually not meant for the eyes of those for whom the real message is intended.

yeah yeah.

contradictions.

sedap gigit.
as how they would say, puas hati!!!

kukusai, bubumai, kenasai

do these names sound alien to you?
hahaha... let them.

these people are my beloved.
i really had fun today.
and i guess i always will when its just the three of us.

and though i dunno why i was bombarded with those questions, i will just let it pass.

because i looooooove you both.

hahaha. *MUACKS*

Sister’s engagement

sigh.

because i went for the scavenger hunt, i did not know that i missed my sister's surprise engagement.

she was so excited when she showed me the ring.
and i cannot express how happy i am for her.

all i can give is prayers for her.

Allah, bless her and Rauf with a happy and guided life.

Amin.

olympus scavenger hunt 2006

yeah... so the 4 of us joined in this competition...
me abu uan and mahmud.

and along the way, we roped in adri our driver and juni our researcher.
haha.

and chow was our team leader and photographer.

we entered with not much hope of winning, but as we got along the race, somehow all our hopes were raised, cos we thought that we had the upper hand in one of the places we were supposed to go to... which was at the Malay Heritage Centre... we really thought that no one else knew where that place was... so when we finally reached the last point, against all odds... the rain, traffic, wrong turns and tired legs... we were pretty optimistic.

but hell. the guy did not even look at our camera pics... a bad indication.

and when we asked, the guy said that there were 10 teams who already reached before us (out of a possible 20).

and when the results were announced it was no surprise. we did not win.

so here's an analysis of what could have possibly happened.

1) we spent too much time at the fort canning station, because we got lost, and we could not run cos our heavy butts were... well, heavy.

2) we spent too much time looking for the camera shop at peninsula plaza.

3) we spent too much time running around saint andrew's cathedral.

4) we spent too much time on the road.

Conversely, if things were not our fault,

1) the other teams cheated, and did not complete all the stations. but they were given privilege of doubt because they were first to arrive.

2) the other teams were given more clues than they should have gotten, leading to them being at an advantage. hence, again they cheated.

3) the other teams were somehow privy to the fastest routes, which can only come from them knowing the details beforehand. hence they cheated again.

4) the organisers could not verify the pictures, hence no way of establishing the winner, except by time. hence the teams who won did so unfairly.

yes, i am a sore loser. sue me.

i blardy wanted the cameras la... even third prize would have been something.

urgh. yes i won friendship and what not... but a camera is worth sooooooooooooo much more.

hahaha.

materialistic me. i still want the camera.

preliminary FYP results

hehe...
spent the morning in school today with my fyp-mates...
and then we were slugging it out with the transcriptions... which were of course killers by nature...

but by lunch, we got tired of transcribing... and decided to move on to the SF-36 and CHIEF surveys which we ran... and we managed to use to SPSS...

and we ran the analysis to get some idea if we were on the right track...
and found that... YES!! hahaa... although the correlation between SF-36 and CHIEF were more in the .7 range, indicating moderate correlation, at least we have something to say now...

at least our hypothesis is somewhat proven... although may not be so convincing to the statisticians out there... but hell, we at least got our main question answered... quite proud of it la...

if you don't understand what i am ranting about here, no worries... i am just ventilating what i feel is an achievement... yay!! FYP is going somewhere!!

haha.

ok back to earth.

holidays not happening

i was supposed to take a holiday with tau and iskandar this year end.
we were supposed to go to krabi.

but because i had no money, i couldn't go along.

and i was super sad and super jealous that they are going anyways.

then i realised that i cannot go.
because i have debates competition.

30th Dec, 3rd and 6th Jan.

They coming back on the 30th.

So yah.

did not matter that i sulked. i wouldn't have been able to go anyways.

stupid me.

fyp update

on one note, i am glad that our data collection is over.
although i am so dissed at my supervisor for interrupting my focus group discussion and just spoiling the whole arrangement.

but that has passed.

the other side now, is the analysis of data.

beginning with the transcription of recordings.

i took 4 hours to do 25 minutes of recording.

can you believe it?

so fun to talk, but its a hell in itself when you need to look at what has been said.

sheesh.

but i am getting paid for another friend's focus group... that is something to look forward to.
hahaha.

i need money

yeah, as how the title says, i need money.

damn it.

how i envy those with holiday jobs, and those who are already working.
because they have money to spend.

how i envy those rich kids who don't need to work.
because duh, they already have money to spend.

and how i envy those who somehow make good decisions that leave them with money laden hands, and not otherwise.

i cannot go out, because i cannot get the money to.
i cannot go for a proper holiday, because i dont have the money to.
i cannot take this time to rest myself from a whole academic year of crap, because unfortunately, i won't be given the money to.

am i complaining?
yes i am.

but it is really to no avail now is it?

sometimes i really wonder, is it my management that sucks, or is it truly a matter of there is nothing to manage in the first place?

whatever la.
talking here does not make any money appear in my pockets.

now i am miffed.
urgh.

to say or not to say

only a few people know of this.
2 in fact.

i am contemplating saying something that could potentially be a turning point (read: marker for future plans, or onset of crises) for my relationship with someone.

but i have yet to summon the courage to say it.

but like i said, if it happens, it happens.

there is no need to rush into things.

but to some extent, i am hoping that the heart of the person will be as attuned and receptive to what i want to offer, that these words need not be said at all.

Guidance, i seek from Thee.

end of attachments

it came and passed by just like that.
the whole 8 weeks of attachments, and that is the longest we will have ever... until we work that is... hahaha.

but anyways, all my work paid off very well.
i was most shocked at the level of confidence that my supervisor had in me, and the degree with which she saw me performing.

i had thought that i was just average and did not really do well in the attachments. in fact i was under the perception that i was underachieving, what with all the work that was backlogged and the projects which were not really completed...

so it came to final eval time... and i concurred perfectly with her analysis of my strengths and weaknesses... which bordered at the 4 and 5 level, with the occasional 6 when i performed exceptionally well. but her spoken comments were what touched me the most.

my supervisor commended me on my language ability, and my communication with the team. she also commended the way i conducted myself confidently and the way i build a substantial rapport with my clients (i am proud to say that a parent actually asked if the unit would employ me, because she thought i was really good). she said that i had a very positive attitude and many beneficial traits that would bring me very very far in the field.

although my evaluation was not really something fantastic (like the all 6s that some of my friends got), i did secure myself a 90/100 as a final grade. this was definitely something that i did not see coming at all. 90/100 is a distinction grade, and for this module, which has the highest weightage ever, i would be more than blessed to have obtained such a good score.

but more importantly, i feel that the remark which is most indelible is this, "Nizar already has the skills as a therapist. He just needs to refine it, which will come with experience."

as a final year student, nothing is more important than the assurance and stamp of approval from those within the field of practice - an acknowledgement that you are ready to enter the world of clinicians. it is the comment that each of us wants to hear from our supervisors. and i really treasured that remark. especially coming from someone as long and experienced in the field as my supervisor is.

i am glad to say that the sacrifices i made for this attachments really paid off.
but now i have to start paying my dues... hehehe... debates here i come.

photographs

as i figured out how to use my photobucket account again, here are some pictures of events that took place in the past month.

Imran's (to those who know him) art exhibition at the mandarin hotel. beautiful rendition of christina aguilera.

the morning crowd at old friends raya outing at my place

can you believe the little tyke is 14 years old? muhib the boy wonder... love his voice!

bebudak ntu keluar berjalan... half the crowd left...

little group outing at nura's

of families and friends

age is really catching up with all of us.
and our parents, are ageing together with us.
we are no longer children.

really.

raya just passed and in that period of time, i realised how many of us have grown old. how many of my relatives i am now missing and would no longer be able to see... and how soon, even those closest to me would age and pass on, as how others have.

of my friends, there are those succumbing to age-related ailments, and i see their health deteriorating despite the best efforts of medicine. recently i heard news that a mother of a friend had a mild stroke, and that a father of another friend had liver cancer and passed away.

its all real, and its all frightening.

i know that this is all part of the grand cycle of life. as a healthcare professional, that is something i have to deal with and accept. but sometimes, it is just too hard to swallow. especially when at some points in time, you have come to take these people for granted, that they will always be around for you - which is a fallacy we all make as humans.

well, leave us to cope with it as best we can then.
to all those who i mentioned in this post, may Allah grant you kindness and mercy and health above others, and may He grant forgiveness and acceptance to those who have passed on.

to forgive and be forgiven

"there's nothing to forgive. i have done as much if not more wrong than you have ever done to me. So if you can assure yourself to forgive me, then you can assure yourself to have been forgiven as well. Seriously, in the end when i look at it, we'll always remain good friends no matter what, ok?"

this is your response to me asking for forgiveness.

i was just struck by the faith that you have in the friendship, despite all the crap that has been thrown to each other. and i was struck by the ease with which you bury hatchets, although that is not part of my traits. but i guess that is what makes us complementary opposites.

you were honest enough to tell me that you were uncomfortable, and that you were slighted by my actions too. and i was glad to know that you were not as insensitive to whatever i did. haha, that was a side i never expected to see in you... and when you revealed what you felt on the days we met and communed over the sms-es, i was amused yet pleased to know that you have somewhat changed to be the person that i had wanted you to be to me.

But at the same time, i have come to terms about certain things, certain truths about us.
So don't worry about anything, just be happy and take care of yourself.

You'll always have that place, whether it's manifest or hidden.

fyp updates

haha...
this is another thing to bend my brain around.

HB, our supervisor, hasn't been able to meet up with us to discuss the proceedings of our project. and the meetings with our collaborating organisation are also not attended by him. so its like we are all supervising ourselves. but not that we are not doing well la. we are keeping to whatever we had planned, and i think so far, we have conducted ourselves quite amicably and professionally. but some of the administrative issues are really not within our domain to discuss... so at those points we really get worried that we may be doing the wrong things, or not complying to some NYP rule or protocol. but what the hell la, we are just going to jump in and see how things turn out...

we realised in our planning that we have yet to tie down so many loose ends, which may at the end affect the credibility of our research. so we better buck up so that our work becomes recognised literature and is a good foundation upon which future research can be based.

hehe. big dreams huh?

six

ok, as you all know, it is still attachment season.
so yah, this is a generic update for the week.

week 6 of attachments already passed... yeaps its kinda moving quite fast.

and for me and my colleague, we were really looking forward to getting past this week, cos firstly, we had an off for friday (in-lieu for deepavali), and that means an extended weekend. secondly, this week was also hell-week cos we saw 5 patients in a day, and thats like the case-load of a full-time staff... its especially stressful cos our supervisor had to see her own cases on top of ours, which meant that we were unsupervised most of the time (for me it was all of the time), and so getting past that day was really a load off our backs.

fortunately, the following week is HMDP, we are not seeing any patients, and that means a stress-free week. so YAY! and that also means that we only have 5 more days till end of attachments. woo hoo!!

this week i tried to manipulate my way out of a chore which i myself did not want to do in the first place, but was encouraged to by some people up there... i decided to take myself out of training to focus on the more important things that i had to do, and hoped that they would then remove me from the team cos i could not commit when it came so close... but damn them. they said that they would wait for me. haha. i just manipulated my way into more shit. so unlucky me.

yeaps. that's for the update on attachments.

sunday, and my heart is still

amazingly, despite not wanting to go out today at all... i found myself enjoying it at the end.
first was the guys gathering at my house, and first to arrive was iskandar.
the one who always leaves me in a dilemma after i meet him... cos he just signals wrongly all the time. but its all quite simply the uncontrollable id speaking there. haha.

then came the rest. zul was also there, despite saying that we may not be able to meet... but fortunately he came.

we took a slow trip to everyone's place, where transport was available.
off to rita's, then to abu sufian's, then to iskandar's, then to zul's.

i even managed a conversation with him, despite still being oh-so-hurt.

but like i said, its more of the others who made it worth it.

had a good hug with is and zul.
and somehow, i settled myself.

week 5, reaching breaking point

its has come to an end, this week 5.
and for the sake of sanity, i have 9 days left to go for my attachments.
which is not too bad.

but hell, this week was a bad week.
monday came, and i did not go for debates, because i had stuff to do.
tuesday came and a child flopped in my arms, and bumped her jaw against the edge of the table, and bled. lucky my sup was around.
wednesday came, and my sup was not around, and i think i did not handle one client well. i think i sorta wasted that child's time. then went for debates and they were sarcastic. like i meant not to come everytime, and i was purposely uncommitted.

wednesday was the day i almost cried to myself in desperation. but somehow i managed to hold it all in. talked to abu at night, and that made me feel better.

thursday came, and at ilham's exhibition, i saw luqman my BMT sergeant whom i have been wanting to see for the longest time. still can do. haha. nice that he still remembered me, though he could not say my name. haha.

friday came and at attachments, its like i really felt this week fly by too fast, and i don't really know if i did well this week, and if my patients felt i was helping them at all this week. and its just so uncertain. went for dim sum dollies, and that was nice as a preview of the weekend. stayed out late. but apparently something happened, and now its not that great a weekend.

saturday is almost over, with me spending the whole day at home just bumming.
sunday is to come, and i dunno how that will turn out.

but of all the events that has happened this week, i am left with a question.
how is everyone else coping?

i know my ntu babes are all examination struck.
and i know of the personal stories of other people.

how do we cope?

prayer of love

Allah,

Sesungguhnya Engkau telah memberiku nikmat sahabat yang membawaku kepadaMu, dan Engkau telah memberiku nikmat sahabat yang menerima kekuatan dan kelemahanku, dan Engkau telah memberiku nikmat sahabat yang menyayangi dan mencintaiku. Atas nikmat ini, aku memanjatkan syukurku kepadaMu.

Berikanlah kami perhubungan yang berpanjangan hingga ke syurgaMu, dan kekalkan kami dalam cinta dan kasih sayang terhadapMu dan antara sesama kami, dan teguhkan dan jayakan kami dalam setiap usaha kami keranaMu.

Ya Allah,

Sesungguhnya aku menyayangi mereka yang telah Engkau anugerahkan kepadaku, maka janganlah Engkau malapkan cintaku melainkan Engkau tidak redha dengan perhubunganku.

Ya Allah,

Sayangilah mereka yang menyayangiku kerana tiada cinta yang lebih agung dari CintaMu, dan bagi mereka yang menyayangiku sedangkan aku tidak mampu menyayangi mereka, ampunilah mereka dan diriku yang lemah ini. Ingatilah mereka yang mengingatiku kerana tiada yang lebih Peka melainkan Engkau, dan sekiranya mereka melupakanku dan aku melupakan mereka, ampunilah mereka dan diriku yang lemah ini.

Allah kepadaMu aku memohon keampunan dan rahmah, dan kepadaMu aku memohon kasih sayang dan mahabbah.

Ilahi anta maqsudi, wa ridhakan matlubi a'tini mahabbataka wa maghfirataka. Salallahu wa sallimu a'la Rasulillahil karim wa a'la alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam. Amin.