what i've done

super inspirational song. and video.

the story of the AMO

so we had a meeting just now, 'cos a friend wanted to know what it was like working for them, 'cos she was considering working there.

so cute la the replies my dear AMO gave.

Q: Are there differences in the work allocation?
A: Understandably, the ladies are given work in less physically demanding environments... such as the Fragile Forest... where they work with butterflies... (HAHAHAHAHA)

so cute right? but what was meant was the men do the more labour-intensive work, whereas the ladies do the more meticulous tasks which require patience and finesse.

and this AMO was also so "Dodgeball" la... when the phrase the World Association of Zoos of the World (HAHAHAHA) escaped the mouth.

lepak. i miss you and laughing with (or was it at) you, bro.
don't be a stranger please.

we love you. *huggies*

blackle.

hey all... a little effort goes a long way.

"…If Google had a black screen, taking in account the huge number of page views, according to calculations, 750 mega watts/hour per year would be saved."

In response Google created a black version of its search engine, called Blackle , with the exact same functions as the white version, but obviously with lower energy consumption.

Help spread the word… use www.blackle.com

soulmate

"Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone..."

should it come to pass...

it was a beautiful message, my dear.

"should it come to pass that i fail you, forgive me and love me still."

and i am still lost for words to reply.
except that i am the one in need of forgiveness, and that the love, by His Grace, will remain eternal.

God, bless my friends who love and are loved in return, and increase us in our affection towards each other, and towards You. forgive us our trangressions towards each other and towards You, and guide us with the virtues and strengths of each other towards You.

what cannot be

i love you.
but nothing will come from this love.

slighted

i know i am not the most perfect of people.

i know that i can speak badly of others, and have so many things to say about them, especially when they irritate me. and yet when i am in front of them, i can put up so many pretenses that they don't know it is them that i am irritated at.

and i know that i sometimes shoot my mouth off when i am with my closer ones. and that's because i believe that they won't take offence, because i say things in jest. because i believe that i don't need to have any pretenses around them.

but i know i go too far sometimes.

and people get slighted.

for that, i apologise.

but for my beliefs, i guess i can also feel slighted, because what i thought i could come to expect, apparently is not true.

but its ok.

'cos really, of what value am i to concern others?

spending my time

What's the time?
Seems its already morning
I see the sky, its so beautiful and blue
The TV's on
But the only thing showing is a picture of you

Oh, I get up and make myself some coffee
I try to read a bit but the story's too thin
Then I thank the Lord above
That you're not there to see me
In this shape I'm in

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small I stare at the wall
Hoping that you think of me too
I'm spending my time

I try to call but I don't know what to tell you
I leave a kiss on your answering machine
Oh, help me please
Is there someone who can make me
Wake up from this dream?

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small I stare at the wall
Hoping that you are missing me too
I'm spending my time
Watching the sun go down
I fall asleep to the sound Of "tears of a clown"
A prayer gone blind
I'm spending my time

My friends keep telling me: Hey, life will go on
Time will make sure I will get over you
This silly game of love you play, you win only to lose

this song came to mind, as i was telling a friend how much i enjoyed the past few days, just being with. and how true each stanza of the song rings, in terms of what resounds in my mind. but how each hope just plays on as a fantasy, unable to be fulfilled.

just enjoy it while you can, and while we can.

next phase of life

congratulations to all my friends who have recently tied the knot.
may the unions last a lifetime, blessed and felicitous, come the generations ahead.

and with those words, i express one of my deepest fears.
of friends moving apart once they cross the threshold into the next phase of life.

indeed there are a few who are already halfway there. and among them, those closest to me.
while i laud them for their ample provisions, and i am proud that they have made the choice to go on one step further, i just hope that that step is not a step further away from me. call it what you may, but yes, i have separation anxiety issues. although it is not quite as bad as it sounds, i think some part of me would grief the loss of how things were before.

so. there.
smile i may, but cry i still will.

expectations again

sin·cer·i·ty
n. The quality or condition of being sincere; genuineness, honesty, and freedom from duplicity.

qualities of which i don't have. or at least i think are begging serious consideration.
why this entry came about is that the past few times we went out, i have had these expectations laden upon you, whether you know it or not. but more often than not, those expectations are not satisfied. but it seems that only i see it as something that is important.

i spoke to uan about it, and he said that for these things, he has given up expecting already. but uan also said that i am not an easy person to sometimes work with, given my fluctuating energy levels. and that means that people may sometimes find it hard to match me. i inferred that there are times when people just need to get away from me, and that there are other times, when they cannot fulfill my expectations whatever they are.

i have been reminded often by my closest friends to not expect, because expectations make you more susceptible to feeling disappointed. and it is implicit as well, that when you expect, your sincerity is also put to question. are you doing something, expecting a returns, or are you doing something out of your own free will?

my question back is - can't we do something because we like it, and yet expect something in return? at the end of the day, intrinsically, someone does something because he likes the feeling he gets through the completion of the activity. it does not have to be an expectation of somebody, it can just be an expectation of the self by the self. so despite how it seems so selfless, altruistic behaviour serves the inner self and fulfills the emotional needs of the inner self... not so selfless now are we?

but that is besides the point. i do want to be treated differently, i.e. more special. and i am not shy about saying it. because it is the strongest thing that drives me to do things for you. but i shall choose the "nobler" path, and pretend that its ok how things are. we are just good friends, and that we are not indebted to each other.

i can't impose my expectations can i? but i do not wish to be duplicitous, so that is why i am writing here. so at least i have ventilated my thoughts on the matter.

circles of trust

at some point in time in our lives, we find that we are the confidantes of other people. and that with this sense of knowing what only a few people know, circles of trusts are formed. the requirements for each circle of trust may be different for each person, and the prerequisites for entering the circle of trust are blur and fuzzy.

and being in the circle of trust entails certain behaviours and expectations from those who were entrusted. but seriously, sometimes it sucks, because you cannot be natural. yes yes, you see through different eyes when you are in a circle of trust, but you cannot act upon the knowledge. because when you do, you risk endangering the secrecy, and the privacy upon which that trust was built. and then a million other people and things get involved, and you regret ever having been in the circle of trust.

and i pity some of my friends who were affected by this la. come on, its seriously not our fault la. we dun intentionally hurt or offend or psychologically affect other people what... we are not manipulators... we are just really good busybodies.

but i understand all that was said yesterday.

which is why i just wanna revert to how i used to gain my knowledge in the past. just by being. because when you least expect it, all the news in the world comes to you...

then maybe... just maybe...

fazli zainal - harapan

Doaku agar kaukan selalu bahagia,
Agar kau temui insan tulus menyayangimu,
Lepaskanlah diriku kerna keredhaanmu,
Bukan kerna dendam jua bukan kerna kau terpaksa,
Ku tinggalkan memori bersamamu,
Ku undur diri bersama harapan.

Tidak kesampaian cinta kita,
Kubawa harapan kupendam rahsia,
Ku dikejauhan mendoakan,
Agar kau bahgia tiada lagi duka.
Daku rela mengundur diri,
Ku pasti dikaukan fahami…

Tiada penyesalan kasihku korbankan
Andai telah tertulis kuterima ini bukannya kupinta,
Oh pergilah dikau diiringi keikhlasanku,
Cuma pengalaman mengisi kekosongan mimpiku…

wonderful world by james morrison

I've been down so low, people look at me and they know,
They can tell something is wrong, like I don't belong,
Well, staring through a window standing outside there just too happy to care tonight
I wanna be like them but I'll mess it up again,
I tripped them out when God kicked outside everybody's soul.

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now,
Well I thought that I was doing well but I just wanna cry now,
Well I know that its a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me.

Sometimes I feel so full of love it just comes spilling out,
It's uncomfortable to see I give it away so easily,
But if I had someone I would do anything and never never never never let you feel alone
I won't, I won't leave you on your own,
Who am I to dream, dreams are for fools, they let you down.

Well I know that it's a wonderful world but I can't feel it right now
But I thought I was doing well but I just wanna cry now,
Well I know that its a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me.

And I wish that I could make it better,
I'd give anything for you to call me,
Maybe just a little letter
Oh it could start again.

And I know that it's a wonderful world but I can't feel it right now,
Well I thought I was doing well but I just wanna cry now,
Well I know that its a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me.

I know that its a wonderful world, I can't feel it right now,
I've got all the right clothes to wear, I just wanna cry now,
Well I know that it's a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me.
And I know that it's a wonderful world when you're with me.

of secrets

the more secret a person has, the sadder that person is.

haha.

touche à celui qui l'a indiqué à moi. parce-qu'elle soutient elle-même les secrets million et un. mais il fait vraiment beau de savoir ce que d'autres pas. et pour être en cercle intérieur de confiance. et pour voir d'autres avec de nouveaux yeux, si vous savez ce que veux dire-je...

haha.

ps: congrats to that friend of mine, who laments that no one celebrates her accomplishments.

inspire-treat

hehehe... in order to plan for and attend this event, i siammed so many work commitments. wahlaoz. if they knew, i fear the kind of trouble i will get into. not that its anything bad la. just that i put my powers of manipulation to very good use i must say.

but that's besides the point.

the retreat was simply fabulous.
and i would term it successful beyond words.

hahaha... although i had to bbq my butt off (ok i did it of my own free will... no complaints there) and bear with the sweltering heat of the heavens and the pits of the... well.... pits, it was all worth it. the people who came made up for all the suffering i went through... from the FOC freshies to the FOC adhoc to all my dearest friends... wah... felt really good at the end of the day... and got to spend some quiet time with some of the closer ones... which just left me so fulfilled... t'was good, really good. and i felt that all my sacrifices were simply washed away at the end of the retreat.

sigh.

why did it have to end? hahaha... back to work.

you can't have the cake and eat it at the same time.

real life application to this: saving vs spending.

utterly crappy when you have all the wants in the world, and then you realise that if you fulfill your wants, then there will be nothing left to keep. amazingly frustrating, when you realise how very precious those bucks are, and how very close you must keep them, else you won't have them anymore.

simple as that.

you can't have the money if you want to use the money.

such a blithering paradox.

urgh.

the woes of a working man.

know why you love, because to know is to love.

one cannot love blindly.
or rather one should not love blindly.

in the past, i used to think that love is altogether a non-tangible thing - that it can happen inconsequentially, or irreverently. that love at first sight was a possibility. that one can love without reason or rhyme.

and then recently, certain things happened, which brought me back to what the real world is.

there is no love without a desire that needs to be fulfilled.

unfortunately for the hopeless romantics out there, love begs a reason. love proclaims a want. and with love, comes expectations and hopes.

and that was the reason why i could become angry, why i did become angry at some people. because i had thought that my love was simple, that it did not come with any baggage. but it did. and with those expectations, came the possibility of being disappointed, which i so severely was.

but despite that, control came when i realised why i loved. knowledge of this is power, and it rationalises love to a point that it is distilled - cleared of the banality that is the human ego and psyche. and reflecting upon why i loved set me aside of myself. and i surprised myself by forgoing the disappointment. and to this point i still dunno how i did it.

this entry may not make sense to many or any of you. but its ok.

always been understated.
love you.

despite what you did.

work

am currently employed at the Handicaps Welfare Association as an occupational therapist under the Personal Care Services (PCS) programme. am in charge of home therapy services, where i conduct therapy (duh) in the home environment (double duh).

but work has been relaxed and altogether quite pleasant. only seeing 2 patients a day currently, and not even confined to the office environment. and it helps that i am able to arrange my own time to suit the needs of the clients, and even my own administrative duties. my supervisor and director are very trusting of my ability, and i am left to work independently since the 2nd week of work. yups, its that great... little pressure breathing down my neck.

its all good la... even so, i have quite a steep learning curve to traverse... need to pick up on administrative matters, financial accounting, manpower and resource management, marketing and public relations... so i am not only developing clinically, i am also forced to develop other skills, which will help me later if i am taking up a higher administrative position.

i truly feel quite lucky that this opportunity has availed itself to me, and that so many things are in store for me. the job allows me for so many avenues of growth, that i am spoilt for choice. haha... but like what HB says, focus. and focus I will. on clinical skills first, and then slowly on administration and planning. then i will begin to shine like those before me.

hahaha.

i hope!

inspirational moments

backdated to 5th July 2007

HB took us out for lunch after the graduation ceremony, as a "farewell-from-school-but-welcome-to-the-profession" kinda thing. and over lunch, he spoke to us again about our dreams and our aspirations... and related to us his whole history as an OT. but this time round, there was something surreal... something in his voice and tone that spoke directly into us... he was not an educator... rather he transformed truly into the mentor and wise sage that we have come to appreciate in the three years of learning under him... and he shared precious words which will remain with me throughout my life.

in his sharing, he recalled how he never once needed to think about money. all he thought about was fulfilling his responsibility to his profession, and to his clients... and somehow... the money came to him without him needing to look for it. this reminded me of the concept of karma and blessedness in the vocation... that goodness will be rewarded with goodness as well... and that God is not blind or unjust. In Islam there is the concept of intent. if one intends to do good, then one will be rewarded with goodness. and it just echoed in me, that how despite not being Muslim, HB carried in him traits which were worthy of emulation.

and HB also said that its never about the money. he had the opportunity to earn a lot of money - in fact he was asked multiple times to give lectures at international conferences, which he would be given an honorarium for. HB would always return the honorarium to the committee as a donation. And he urged us to continually seek the presence of those elder and more experienced, and to renew our spirits and commitment to the profession through constantly engaging these pioneers, and to recharge our tired/burnt out mentalities.

HB also spoke of his own mentor, Tsuyoshi Sato Sensei, a japanese OT who recently passed away. HB was awarded with the Sato lecture award at the recent Asia-Pacific OT Conference, and it was indeed an emotional moment for him. And as he spoke, he reminded us of the situation that we were in, and that mentorship should be two-way, and that the need to continually mentor and be mentored should be a part of our nature... and inadvertently he offered himself as one who would help us along that path. I was honoured that he chose to use my snippets as opening and closing segments for his inaugural lecture. and indeed i am inspired by him to achieve more for myself and those around me.

wish me well.

graduation

came back to singapore end of june... and 5 days later it was graduation.

and it was a proud day for us OTs... with the top scholar being a friend from the course, and having a number of us go on stage to receive extra prizes... I was one of those... received the clinical prize as well for best performance during attachments... so what the hell was i so worried about? haha...

loved the robes they gave us... cos it was already Harry Potter mania... so the robes really made us feel..."magical"...

and HB gave me a most open and uninitiated hug... which i was so touched by. these teachers of ours really are something... and i am super honoured to be able to call them friends now.

only one thing peeved me and my peers off, that i was not able to give the graduation speech, because i could not attend rehearsals because i was away in indonesia... but what the hell, i felt that the replacement did a pretty fabulous job. haha.

and again... photos!!

with my parents - hope i made them proud and not regret their decision.

mentor and friend - hua beng

mentor and friend - dr uma

mentor - dr raj

mentor - ms ambel

lecturers and friends - charmaine, hwei lan, hua beng

kukula jo-ann nair from sri lanka expedition - physiotherapist

fadzilah from radiography.

ilyas sufi from dental therapy

harry potter pose - ming, ceyu, me, zhen zhen (top scholar), irene and jess

zixian and me!

me and zhen zhen!

me and wanru, dip with merit winner

me with fyp mates, wanru, ceyu and suet, and zz.

with hb, ceyu & wanru

OT0402