photographs

as i figured out how to use my photobucket account again, here are some pictures of events that took place in the past month.

Imran's (to those who know him) art exhibition at the mandarin hotel. beautiful rendition of christina aguilera.

the morning crowd at old friends raya outing at my place

can you believe the little tyke is 14 years old? muhib the boy wonder... love his voice!

bebudak ntu keluar berjalan... half the crowd left...

little group outing at nura's

of families and friends

age is really catching up with all of us.
and our parents, are ageing together with us.
we are no longer children.

really.

raya just passed and in that period of time, i realised how many of us have grown old. how many of my relatives i am now missing and would no longer be able to see... and how soon, even those closest to me would age and pass on, as how others have.

of my friends, there are those succumbing to age-related ailments, and i see their health deteriorating despite the best efforts of medicine. recently i heard news that a mother of a friend had a mild stroke, and that a father of another friend had liver cancer and passed away.

its all real, and its all frightening.

i know that this is all part of the grand cycle of life. as a healthcare professional, that is something i have to deal with and accept. but sometimes, it is just too hard to swallow. especially when at some points in time, you have come to take these people for granted, that they will always be around for you - which is a fallacy we all make as humans.

well, leave us to cope with it as best we can then.
to all those who i mentioned in this post, may Allah grant you kindness and mercy and health above others, and may He grant forgiveness and acceptance to those who have passed on.

to forgive and be forgiven

"there's nothing to forgive. i have done as much if not more wrong than you have ever done to me. So if you can assure yourself to forgive me, then you can assure yourself to have been forgiven as well. Seriously, in the end when i look at it, we'll always remain good friends no matter what, ok?"

this is your response to me asking for forgiveness.

i was just struck by the faith that you have in the friendship, despite all the crap that has been thrown to each other. and i was struck by the ease with which you bury hatchets, although that is not part of my traits. but i guess that is what makes us complementary opposites.

you were honest enough to tell me that you were uncomfortable, and that you were slighted by my actions too. and i was glad to know that you were not as insensitive to whatever i did. haha, that was a side i never expected to see in you... and when you revealed what you felt on the days we met and communed over the sms-es, i was amused yet pleased to know that you have somewhat changed to be the person that i had wanted you to be to me.

But at the same time, i have come to terms about certain things, certain truths about us.
So don't worry about anything, just be happy and take care of yourself.

You'll always have that place, whether it's manifest or hidden.

fyp updates

haha...
this is another thing to bend my brain around.

HB, our supervisor, hasn't been able to meet up with us to discuss the proceedings of our project. and the meetings with our collaborating organisation are also not attended by him. so its like we are all supervising ourselves. but not that we are not doing well la. we are keeping to whatever we had planned, and i think so far, we have conducted ourselves quite amicably and professionally. but some of the administrative issues are really not within our domain to discuss... so at those points we really get worried that we may be doing the wrong things, or not complying to some NYP rule or protocol. but what the hell la, we are just going to jump in and see how things turn out...

we realised in our planning that we have yet to tie down so many loose ends, which may at the end affect the credibility of our research. so we better buck up so that our work becomes recognised literature and is a good foundation upon which future research can be based.

hehe. big dreams huh?

six

ok, as you all know, it is still attachment season.
so yah, this is a generic update for the week.

week 6 of attachments already passed... yeaps its kinda moving quite fast.

and for me and my colleague, we were really looking forward to getting past this week, cos firstly, we had an off for friday (in-lieu for deepavali), and that means an extended weekend. secondly, this week was also hell-week cos we saw 5 patients in a day, and thats like the case-load of a full-time staff... its especially stressful cos our supervisor had to see her own cases on top of ours, which meant that we were unsupervised most of the time (for me it was all of the time), and so getting past that day was really a load off our backs.

fortunately, the following week is HMDP, we are not seeing any patients, and that means a stress-free week. so YAY! and that also means that we only have 5 more days till end of attachments. woo hoo!!

this week i tried to manipulate my way out of a chore which i myself did not want to do in the first place, but was encouraged to by some people up there... i decided to take myself out of training to focus on the more important things that i had to do, and hoped that they would then remove me from the team cos i could not commit when it came so close... but damn them. they said that they would wait for me. haha. i just manipulated my way into more shit. so unlucky me.

yeaps. that's for the update on attachments.

sunday, and my heart is still

amazingly, despite not wanting to go out today at all... i found myself enjoying it at the end.
first was the guys gathering at my house, and first to arrive was iskandar.
the one who always leaves me in a dilemma after i meet him... cos he just signals wrongly all the time. but its all quite simply the uncontrollable id speaking there. haha.

then came the rest. zul was also there, despite saying that we may not be able to meet... but fortunately he came.

we took a slow trip to everyone's place, where transport was available.
off to rita's, then to abu sufian's, then to iskandar's, then to zul's.

i even managed a conversation with him, despite still being oh-so-hurt.

but like i said, its more of the others who made it worth it.

had a good hug with is and zul.
and somehow, i settled myself.

week 5, reaching breaking point

its has come to an end, this week 5.
and for the sake of sanity, i have 9 days left to go for my attachments.
which is not too bad.

but hell, this week was a bad week.
monday came, and i did not go for debates, because i had stuff to do.
tuesday came and a child flopped in my arms, and bumped her jaw against the edge of the table, and bled. lucky my sup was around.
wednesday came, and my sup was not around, and i think i did not handle one client well. i think i sorta wasted that child's time. then went for debates and they were sarcastic. like i meant not to come everytime, and i was purposely uncommitted.

wednesday was the day i almost cried to myself in desperation. but somehow i managed to hold it all in. talked to abu at night, and that made me feel better.

thursday came, and at ilham's exhibition, i saw luqman my BMT sergeant whom i have been wanting to see for the longest time. still can do. haha. nice that he still remembered me, though he could not say my name. haha.

friday came and at attachments, its like i really felt this week fly by too fast, and i don't really know if i did well this week, and if my patients felt i was helping them at all this week. and its just so uncertain. went for dim sum dollies, and that was nice as a preview of the weekend. stayed out late. but apparently something happened, and now its not that great a weekend.

saturday is almost over, with me spending the whole day at home just bumming.
sunday is to come, and i dunno how that will turn out.

but of all the events that has happened this week, i am left with a question.
how is everyone else coping?

i know my ntu babes are all examination struck.
and i know of the personal stories of other people.

how do we cope?

prayer of love

Allah,

Sesungguhnya Engkau telah memberiku nikmat sahabat yang membawaku kepadaMu, dan Engkau telah memberiku nikmat sahabat yang menerima kekuatan dan kelemahanku, dan Engkau telah memberiku nikmat sahabat yang menyayangi dan mencintaiku. Atas nikmat ini, aku memanjatkan syukurku kepadaMu.

Berikanlah kami perhubungan yang berpanjangan hingga ke syurgaMu, dan kekalkan kami dalam cinta dan kasih sayang terhadapMu dan antara sesama kami, dan teguhkan dan jayakan kami dalam setiap usaha kami keranaMu.

Ya Allah,

Sesungguhnya aku menyayangi mereka yang telah Engkau anugerahkan kepadaku, maka janganlah Engkau malapkan cintaku melainkan Engkau tidak redha dengan perhubunganku.

Ya Allah,

Sayangilah mereka yang menyayangiku kerana tiada cinta yang lebih agung dari CintaMu, dan bagi mereka yang menyayangiku sedangkan aku tidak mampu menyayangi mereka, ampunilah mereka dan diriku yang lemah ini. Ingatilah mereka yang mengingatiku kerana tiada yang lebih Peka melainkan Engkau, dan sekiranya mereka melupakanku dan aku melupakan mereka, ampunilah mereka dan diriku yang lemah ini.

Allah kepadaMu aku memohon keampunan dan rahmah, dan kepadaMu aku memohon kasih sayang dan mahabbah.

Ilahi anta maqsudi, wa ridhakan matlubi a'tini mahabbataka wa maghfirataka. Salallahu wa sallimu a'la Rasulillahil karim wa a'la alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam. Amin.

out with the dearhearts

abu arranged for an outing today to jalan raya.
simple outing with less than 10 people, but i felt that there was enough heart for 100.
relaxed journeys filled with laughs, no stress to finish visiting homes...

it was just simple, and they were all just a pleasure to be with.
maybe despite me saying that i am so irritated by their teasing, to a great extent, i yearn for it.
haha. paradoxical, but true. because it just shows us that we are somehow still together, and that time has not changed that.

even if i cannot hug you all physically, i am doing so in my heart every night, and every time i think of you.

tonight i sleep well.

updates on attachments first

erm.
ok.

beginning the fifth week tomorrow.
and sorta falling into a rhythm of how things are supposed to happen over at the clinic...
so i think i will be able to survive the weeks to come (seeing that of course there is only 3 weeks left.)

midway evaluation was over on wednesday, and mine was super quick.
and the comment given before my sup went through the papers with me was: "good ones don't need so long to go through." so i guess that means good for me.

on another note, embarrassing moment at attachments, involving falling, and having the whole room laugh at you.

leave it at that.

hahahaha.

okies, next post.