happy new year!

happy new year to everyone!
may the new year bring new hopes and aspirations, and new successes to life.

to all my friends, it has been a heck of a year... thank you for the memories.

nizar sayang semua.

the year past

an early post by gregorian standards, but a timely one for the muslim calendar. to all muslim friends, have a happy Muharram, and may this year be one of felicity and blessings by His Grace, amin.

many people spend this time in retrospection of the year that has gone past. and correctly so, for we are encouraged to also reflect back on ourselves for the things we have done, or may not have done, so that we can become better people.

this year has been a year of many sadnesses for me. the passing of my beloved grandparents are at the top of my list. Nani passed away in February, and Atok left us just recently in October. i miss them both very terribly, and i know that the rest of my family feel this sense of profound loss, that can never ever be filled. all i can do is to pray for them and hope that they are in a better place now.

this year has also been a year when i realised how differently i have come to value friendship. if you ask me now, i can somewhat say that i feel that i have lost quite a number of them, either physically or emotionally. distances and time apart has worn out relationships, which only seem to speak of how very tenuous they were in the first place. and perhaps, recent debacles have also affected me quite deeply, to the point that i may have become cynical again to the notion of what makes a true friend. accordingly, my social circles have also shrunk, and i am lesser of the extrovert that i used to be, and things have become somewhat mundane when it comes to people.

i made promises to people, i made myself out to be solid and reliable, but increasingly i am finding myself unable to fulfill these promises, and finding myself being the one needing support. i have lost something somewhere, and i am not sure what it is, which will make finding it again all the more harder.

looking inside, i am spiritually undernourished, yearning for a spring from which i can drink from to refresh myself. i feel that i have made so many aims for myself, but unfortunately, never quite reaching the destination i set out to arrive at. yes, it's not the destination but the journey that counts, but pit stops which never seem to avail themselves for you to rest your weary soul, or the lack thereof can really drain you. i want to ask for permission to go, but i don't know whether if i go i will be able to drink directly from the fount.

have i been a good employee to my organisation?
have i been a good son to my father and mother?
have i been a good brother to my siblings?
have i been a good friend to my companions?
have i been a good Muslim?

have i become a better person in the last year?

i cannot say for certain that i have. and i fear to say that i may have regressed.
the only one who remains when everyone has moved on.
the one that will not flourish.

Allah, forgive me.

tribute

if there were a vampire series that i would forever love, it would be anne rice's the vampire chronicles. it is one of the most extensive stories of vampires that i have ever read, and it is truly one of the most engaging series. it helps too that some of the books have been made into movies. come to think of it, i think i will rebuy all the books and keep for myself a nice library. hehe.

interview with the vampire . the vampire lestat . the queen of the damned
the tale of the body thief . memnoch the devil . the vampire armand . merrick . blood and gold
blackwood farm . blood canticle

in tribute, here are some of the key vampires in the series.

the first lestat de lioncourt, louis de point du lac, claudia

akasha, mother of the vampires, and lestat, her consort and betrayer

some of the children of the millenia and younger ones - armand, pandora, maharet the red, marius de romanus, khayman the elder

more!! haha!!

*scurries off to facebook to satisfy bloodlust*

twilight

here are the vampires. haha. a whole family of them ok?

and they played baseball, which they only can do during a thunderstorm, because of the racket they make when they PLAY baseball. which was one of the coolest scenes.

that being said, being the vampire aficionado that i am - this was a fair enough movie, with a nice twist on what being a vampire is like, versus stereotypes in my head. of course the dialogue was cliched and expected (even without reading the book) - i mean it is an against-all-odds-beat-the-fates-love-you-even-if-i-die (literally) story - but it still made for an engaging watch.

there were the sweet scenes, moments which you wish you could have and words you wish you could say to that special one - but they came a bit too frequently, so some of the impact was lost.

but who cares - you get the idea. and the vampire powers are super cool.

so, its a mixed review. don't count on my words, though. i liked it despite.

a final note...

to every society, there is an order. this is the functionalist perspective proposed by Durkheim. if the order were to be usurped, and everyone became leaders at the top, the pyramid of power would collapse due to the inbalance.

hence the natural order exists, that there are different levels of leadership and followers. perhaps that is why not everyone becomes the leader they want to be, or as "successful" as they want to be. not everyone can be the brick at the top, or the star shining above the zenith. but without the bricks below, there can be no top. and without the eyes to perceive, no one can appreciate the beauty of the star.

everyone fulfills a Divine purpose in their being.

un-RI-alised potentials?

it was an interesting conversation that azfar recounted to me. apparently it has not just been a niggling thought it my head, but also among some of my cohort mates... what has happened to the call for "auspicium melioris aevi"? has this call been answered, now that it's, let's see, about 10 years down the road?

my secondary school batchmates have been sounding off for a reunion to celebrate our tenth year from graduation... but when i saw the posting on facebook, it got me thinking about where i am now in my life... is it something that i am proud of? after all, it was a proud moment for our families (and ourselves) that we got accepted into that prestigious institution. but after all that hoohaa... what have we got to show for it? we were supposed to be the creme de la creme... but have we lived up to the name or the expectations that society (including ourselves, personally) had for us?

i remembered a composition which i wrote, and got 49/50 for it. that was in secondary 4. it was one of my proudest pieces of work, and it was apparently so good, that my English teacher said that i had the makings of an MP. i was actually entertaining those thoughts for a while, for the institution was a birthing place of ministers and bigwigs for the longest time. perhaps having been "raised" and "nurtured" under the same auspices as those elites, i believed that i too could make a change. i too could become one of the leaders of the community. i too could make a name for myself.

and maybe, that was the start of the problem.

being labelled an "elite" (i use this word with sarcasm aimed at myself) came with a bunch of pressures and responsibilities. you could hear it in people's words and tones that they expected the world of you. and being young and naive, what was i to do but bask in all the "glory" and "pride" that was accorded by virtue of being accepted in the institution? that is not to say that i was not proud and did not feel glorious - i felt every inch of it, because i knew i was deserving of the place. and in fact, i did quite well while in the institution. but once you let that go to your head, as how i told azfar, you become complacent, as i admitted felt i did. the whole idea that you are among the best of the best could have generated a false sense of security, perpetuating a vicious cycle that would come and bite me in my bum.

and perhaps some of the others in the batch as well.

i had wanted so much to live the life as one of the best, but i did not quite work as hard for it. i had perhaps thought that simply being there would have availed opportunities. education became somewhat sidelined, and school was a playground, entertaining fanciful fantasies of famous and fecund futures, without the labours.

but what is elitism all about? and how does elitism and education come together in a coherent match? i don't think they do at all, now. when one considers oneself an elite, one becomes obsessed with maintaining that status, which may come and go anytime. but when one gets an education, that education stays for life. one cannot consider oneself an elite, but it is a status that is accorded to one by others, by virtue of one's virtues.

i guess i learnt that the hard way. moving on to the affiliated college, i became disengaged with my own learning. the challenge sometimes became too much to bear. i was unable to adapt and cope quite as well as i though i could. among the "elite" i began to falter. and among the "elite", i began to realise my own shortcomings and limitations as a normal person. and the fallacious facade began to crack. i began to understand that perhaps my place was not to be among the "elite". and there was of course the flip-side - the lifestyle of the rich and famous, but not so-smart. that was a side that i never wanted to be a part of.

and that was my education.

it is only recently that the true lesson became clear - that you do not need to be among the "elite" - smart people, successful in life, making big bucks, etc. - to be able to help others. and sometimes, it is better for you to be out of the "elite" to be able to see and understand life - sometimes up there, all you can see are clouds and fluff, that blinds you to the grime and dirt at your feet.

back to the point i was trying to make. my batch.

when azfar and i discussed the younger batches, we came to the conclusion that they were faring much better than us, in terms of "living up" to the expectations of how graduates of the institution were to progress on in life. there are quite a number on various scholarships in prestigious universities abroad, and some are already back and in various executive positions in government stat boards. there are also a few who are slated for ministerial positions.

looking back at my batch, well, firstly, not everyone made it to university (myself included). not everyone is holding important positions, or high-paying or ranking jobs. most of us are just "normal" professionals, doing our jobs, like everyone else. but is that necessarily a negative thing? "hope for a better age" did not specify how we should live our lives, or how better "better" is. semantics i know, but the degree with which you perceive your success should be based on your own person and circumstances, and not based on others. and at the end, happiness is truly an individual experience. we are all holding jobs which we are happy and satisfied with, we are safe and stable, and we are each successful in our own little ways. yes, being a teacher, or being an occupational therapist may not be as wow as being a doctor or being a PhD student (no offence dear), but does it really matter at the end of it? it is just so subjective, that i even wonder if it is worth my ranting about here.

maybe not.

we are each our own persons, results of the circumstances that shaped our choices and values. and who or what we are today is undeniably more important than what we were in the past. if only we all realise this and act upon it, then we would have already become better people. however we serve our community, that is our way of making a better age and creating hope for a future.

thence we fulfill the motto, no?

dwelling in a past that is long gone is not for us...

peace my brothers.

the feast of the sacrifice

the day of the feast of the sacrifice is one to commemorate a few important things in the Islamic chronology.

firstly, it is a day to celebrate the completance of the most important event of the Muslim pilgrimage to Mecca, that is the wuquf of Arafah, of which picture is shown above. Wuquf means to stop and wait, and it symbolises the gathering of the masses, awaiting for Judgment on the Last Day. Here, all the pilgrims are clad in white, representing the equality of all before God, and each person supplicates with deepest sincerity for forgiveness and for His vast Mercy. It is truly the peak of the most difficult of the acts of worships. may Allah grant the pilgrims with a life-changing experience.

secondly, it is a day to honour the Prophets Abraham and Ismail (peace be upon them), and the deed of sacrifice that both unwavering undertook at the command of God. Ismail was the son of Abraham, and a beloved one. Yet when it was revealed unto Abraham to sacrifice his son in order to prove his obedience to God, Abraham without qualms, albeit tied with fatherly love, prepared to sacrifice Ismail, who in full knowledge, committed himself entirely to God's will. The fortitude of both these noble prophets were recognised and acknowledged, and at the last instance, God replaced the sacrifice that was Ismail, with a ram. Muslims nowadays sacrifice sheep, goats, cows, buffaloes and even camels in remembrance of the act, and to cleanse themselves of any form of egoistic self-worth which blinds and turns them away from God. it is a day to give thanks for all the blessings that God has given, and to understand the need for constant striving and sacrifice in order to achieve God's pleasure.

the sermon reminded Muslims to not rest on their laurels, and to be prepared to make their own little sacrifices in order to be able to overcome challenges in this life - be it economic, social or spiritual aspects.

indeed, the objective of life, one can say, is about reaping the fruits of the sacrifices that one makes throughout its course. may Allah forgive us all, and accept our little sacrifices, so that we may all receive His Pleasure.

OST Twilight - Paramore's Decode

am waiting for the movie to be released.
haha... i have a fetish for vampires... so guess this won't be ignored...
it's a beautiful song to me... love the tone...

"The truth is hiding in your eyes,
And it's hanging on your tongue,
Just boiling in my blood,
But you think that i cant see.
What kind of man that you are?
If you're man at all,
I will figure this one out.
On my own... "

on anxiety

i have been having a heavy heart these past few days, and its really almost a physical sensation... i do not know if its anything to do with my health - i think it is more a state of mind, than anything else...

but anxiety is a condition that can lead to many other things... so i better be careful.

in any case, sought some advice and found the following - which gave me some measure of peace.

Abridged from Dealing with Worries and Stress, by Sheikh Muhammed Salih al-Munajjid

• Remembering patience

When faced with distress, harm, worries and anxieties, Muslims react with befitting patience to the things in which they have no choice. They gain a lot of benefits as a result - resilience, useful experience, strong willpower, patience, the hope of reward, and many other benefits which reduce the distress felt. Their anxiety is replaced with joy and the hope of blessings and reward from Allah, as the Prophet (pbuh) stated in the sahih hadith: “How marvellous is the affair of the believer! Everything that happens to him is good, and this does not apply to anyone except the believer. If something good befalls him, he gives thanks for it, and that is good for him. If something bad befalls him, he bears it with patience, and that is good for him.”

According to a report narrated by Muslim: The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said: “No illness, fatigue, sickness or grief befalls the Muslim, not even worries, but it will be an expiation for some of his sins.” The one who is distressed or worried should know that whatever psychological pain afflicts him is not wasted, but serves a purpose in increasing his hasanaat (good deeds) and expiating for his sayi’aat (bad deeds). The Muslim should realize that if it were not for disasters and afflictions, we would come empty-handed on the Day of Resurrection, as some of the salaf (early generations of Islam) pointed out, which is why they would rejoice when misfortune struck just as we rejoice at times of ease. The Prophet (pbuh) said: “When Allah wishes good for His slave, He hastens the punishment for his sin; when He does not wish good for His slave, he withholds the punishment until the matter is settled on the Day of Resurrection, when all of his sins will be brought forth together.”

• Knowing the reality of life

The believer knows that this world is only temporary, that its luxuries are few, and that whatever pleasures exist here are always imperfect. If it causes a little laughter, it gives many reasons to weep; if it gives a little, it withholds far more.

• Reflecting upon the righteous forbearers

The Prophets and the righteous suffered more distress in this world than other people. Each person is tested according to the strength of his faith. If Allah loves a person, He tests him. Sa’d r.a. asked the Prophet (pbuh): “O Messenger of Allah, which of the people suffers the most distress?” He said: “The Prophets, then those who come after them (in terms of status), then those who come after them. A man will be tested according to the strength of his faith. If his faith is strong, then the distress with which he is tried will be greater; if his faith is weak, he will be tested in accordance with the level of his faith. Distress will keep on befalling the slave until he walks on the face of the earth free from sin.”

• Remembering the Hereafter

The concerns of this world overwhelm and confuse people, but if the slave makes the Hereafter his main concern, Allah will help him to focus and be determined, as was narrated by Anas r.a.: “The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said: ‘Whoever has the Hereafter as his main concern, Allah will fill his heart with a feeling of richness and independence; he will be focused and feel content, and this world will come to him in spite of it. Whoever has this world as his main concern, Allah will cause him to feel constant fear of poverty; he will be distracted and unfocused, and he will have nothing of this world except what was already predestined for him.’”

• Supplications

"O Allah, I seek refuge with You from distress, grief, incapacity, laziness, miserliness, cowardice, the burden of debt and from being overpowered by men."

"O Allah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your maidservant; my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every name belonging to You which You have named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the Unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety."

• Invoking peace and blessings upon the Prophet (pbuh)

Al-Tufayl ibn Ubayy ibn Ka’b reported that his father said: “When two-thirds of the night had passed, the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) got up and said: ‘O people, remember Allah, remember Allah. The first blowing of the Trumpet has come, and will be followed by the second blowing. Death has come, with all that it implies, death has come with all that it implies.’ I said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, I pray a lot for you. How much of my prayers should I devote to you?’ He said, ‘As much as you want.’ I said, ‘A quarter?’ He said, ‘As much as you want, and if you increase it, it will be good for you.’ I said, ‘Half?’ He said, ‘As much as you want, and if you increase it, it will be good for you.’ I said, ‘Two-thirds?’ He said, ‘As much as you want, and if you increase it, it will be good for you.’ I said, ‘I will devote all my prayer to you.’ He said, ‘Then your worries will be taken care of and your sin will be forgiven.’”

• Complete trust in Allah

When a person relies upon Allah and puts his trust in Him, he is not controlled by bad illusions. He trusts in Allah and hopes for bounty from Him, which protects him from distress and worry, as well as many psychological and physical diseases. Thus his heart gains indescribable strength, relaxation and joy. The one who is truly free from problems is the one whom Allaah has freed and helped to strive against his own-self (jihaad al-nafs) by seeking beneficial means of strengthening his heart and dispelling anxiety. Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him…” [al-Talaaq 65:3] – i.e., He will take care of everything that is of concern to him, whether it has to do with his religion or his worldly affairs.

The person who relies on Allah is strong in heart and is not adversely affected by illusions or things that happen, because he knows that this is a sign of weakness and fear that is unfounded. He also knows that Allah has guaranteed to take complete care of the one who puts his trust in Him, so he trusts Allah and has confidence in His promise. Thus his worries and anxiety disappear, hardship is replaced with ease, sadness turns to joy and fear turns to a feeling of security.

• Yesterday, today and tomorrow

Hence the Prophet (pbuh) sought refuge with Allah from worry and regret: regret for things that have happened in the past which one cannot go back and change, and worries about what may happen in the future. The slave should think only about the present, focusing his energy on doing his best today, because this is what results in perfect work, and helps him to forget his worries and regrets. Thus the slave will strive for whatever benefits him in his religion or his worldly affairs, and will ask his Lord to grant him the result for which he is aiming. He asks Allah for help, just as Abu Hurayrah reported: “The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said: ‘The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, and both are good. Pay attention to that which could benefit you, seek the help of Allah and do not feel incapacitated. If anything befalls you, do not say, “If only I had done such-and-such, such a thing would have happened.” Say instead, “It is the decree of Allaah, and what He wills, He does,” for saying “if only…” opens the way for Shaytaan.’”

• Being wise

The wise person understands that his true life is one of joy and contentment. Life is very short, and he should not let himself get carried away with distress and depression that will make it even shorter. This goes against the true idea of life, so he is reluctant to spend too much of his life in distress and depression. In this regard, there is little difference between the righteous and the rebellious, but the believer can achieve this in the best way, in a way that benefits him both in this world and in the Hereafter. When misfortune strikes, or when he is afraid of something bad happening to him, he should also compare the blessings that he enjoys, both spiritual and worldly, with whatever misfortune has befallen him. When he does this, he will see just how much blessing he has, and the bad things will be put into perspective. Similarly, he can make a comparison between the thing he fears will harm him and the far greater possibility that he will be kept safe from it: the faint possibility that he may be harmed is far outweighed by the greater positive possibilities, and so his anxiety will be relieved. He takes into account the most likely scenario so that he can try to prepare himself in case it does happen, and he takes measures to protect himself against things that have not happened, or to alleviate or reduce the impact of things that have happened.

Some worthy advice for one as weak as me.

muallaf

contrary to popular belief, this film is not about anyone converting to islam.

it is, however, an excellent portrayal of how a muslim should live life... a life that is filled with love, advocating for good, and forgiveness... and in a wonderful echo of the way muslims of the past did their da'wah, the best probable way of inviting people to see the beauty of islam, is to live it as a good muslim, with mannerisms and paradigms that are congruent with the true teachings of islam. and it also shows in contrast some people who call themselves muslims, don't live a life that is guided, and those who seem to have lost the way, are those whose hearts are good and sincere...

i teared many times in the show, because of how clear the advice of love and forgiveness shone through... and how i am regularly in need of these...

in a poetic scene, both sisters were in bed, preparing for sleep. the younger sister (Y) had just gotten a caning in school in the morning, for not drawing what her teacher wanted. the elder sister (E) asked,

E: Are you ready?

Y: Yes.

E: Ok. Do you forgive all the people who had hurt you and caused you pain today?

Y: Yes.

E&Y: In the name of Allah, Most Merciful and Most Compassionate...

i was extremely moved by this scene. i for one, am someone who can hold grudges. and these grudges can last for ages. because sometimes i allow myself to let my emotions take control, and to blind me to how i am supposed to be as a person. as a muslim. in any case, i shouldn't be holding any grudges towards anyone, as it will only fester in my heart. i should let go of all pain, and all hurt, because as how i mentioned in a previous post, i am not the one judging. let Him be the one who gives me recompense.

sigh.

good show, really worth watching.

belated post

"love is a process that grows and develops further after marriage"
congratulations to fadiah and is...
may Allah give you both happiness and blessings all throughout your married life and beyond!!

justice

justice is not mine.
it is the purview of the Most Fair and Wise.
don't think too much about it, because all recompense will come from Him, and He will be Most Generous to those who refrain with patience and humility.

Allah, give me strength.

looking through another's eyes

parents may think that they are doing the right thing.
but who decides what is right, or what is wrong?
the intention does not justify the means.

for once, try looking through the perspective of the child.
and realise that what you have done is just to hurt the child.
despite your best intentions.

i am extremely disappointed.

extremely.

all the single ladies

one of the best workouts you will ever get.
i miss dancing!!!

talk about coolness...

g-speak overview 1828121108 from john underkoffler on Vimeo.

heard

Ibn ‘Umar said: “The Muslim that mixes with the people and is patient upon their harm is better than the Muslim who does not mix with the people and is not patient upon their harm.”
- Reported by at-Tirmidhi, Ahmad and Ibn Majah

sometimes without realising the signs are shown to you...

friday sermon contained a message for me, bringing me to a reflection of my current state.

i guess i am still just learning to be a better person.

hard as it is.

love/hate

"what is hate, if not an extreme expression of love?"
t-shirts are mirror images of each other.

co-admission

every argument arises from an interaction consisting of at least two people. you cannot be actively arguing with yourself, technically speaking. hence, there is always the flip side of the picture that one party fails to see - the side which if comprehended, will lead to mutual understanding instead.

the picture says it well enough. what cannot be seen cannot be judged, until it is revealed.there will always be hidden circumstances, unsaid feelings, unknown contexts - which is why people argue.

no one can be totally absolved of blame if they are a part of an argument.

and that is only fair.

so perhaps all i wanted was a co-admission of guilt.

that there was some wrong done too on your part.

apologising but not knowing what you are apologising for... how do you think that sounds?

stillicide

Give me release
witness me
I am outside
give me peace

In this white wave
I am sinking
in this silence
in this white wave
in this silence
I believe

- Sarah McLachlan, Silence -

setting things straight, only to break

all i wanted was an acknowledgement of fault.

but the tables were turned, and i became at fault.

as is always the case.

blamed for letting pettiness get the better of me, and for going overboard with it.

things were clarified but to no good end.

i don't even know if this is what i want.

wallowing in

self-pity is just pathetic sometimes. and i am guilty of it too. when in order to justify my actions, i make myself the "victim" and push the blame to others, for things that do not happen to me, or for expectations that remain unfulfilled. sometimes you just cannot help it, right? 

but at other times you ARE the "victim" of the actions of others. yet others just fail to see. 

things sometimes happen for a reason, or happen based on the past.

now while you complain of what happened, did it cross your mind how you treated others a year ago when we did come around? and in your state then, could you have gone anywhere, since some days later, you were still disabled? its always been a case of remembering only when you are feeling crappy, and you blame the world for "leaving" you to feel like that.

do you expect then to be treated fairly, when you have not been fair in your own treatment towards others?

we are all sometimes blinded by our own self-pity, but we don't do enough self-reproachment to get out of it.

grow up, Nizar.

recap: eloquence.

i cannot believe how expressive i was in the past. but as i read this entry again, i was swept up in a wave of emotions long forgotten. i just wanted to remember...

December 2004 - "to you, with love"
the past few weeks have been truly great, because i got to spend time with you. time which otherwise would have been spent either studying for some test, or planning for some event. no, i am not saying that you have taken me away from what i should be doing, but that you were a much needed respite from my schedule. i needed that time, to lose myself in myself, to reconnect with what i may have lost. and i needed that time, to see that it is all fine the way things are, or whether i needed to do anything about anything. i am happy to see that things are going well, and very very relieved indeed.

i worry sometimes about neglecting and forgetting the things that matter. i fear losing these things that matter. but i sometimes find myself at a loss, being inadequately resourced in time, effort and empathy. sometimes i wish there were more of me, so that all that is expected of me, can be fulfilled.

but you, in kindness, accept me for all my flaws and unbecomings. in fact, you strive to see that i am not burdened and that i never feel inadequate. you allow me to lord you over, you simply refuse to disagree. like the willow that bends in the storm, but never falling over, you silently stand your ground in the face of my tempestuous nature. you should know, that in the end, the silent dripping of the rain on the mountain, wears it down. and that the water prevails.

that, is you.

as how rain earns the respect of the mountains, you have earned my love, my trust and my faith. and a privilege that none other has ever.

a privilege only fit for one.

and while you are in complete knowledge of this privilege, you never abuse it, though many a time you could have, simply. and that only increases the power of that privilege.

i am clear enough to the forces that move you and me. and i am eternally grateful to have been given you to love and cherish. i understand your desire to be and yet to refrain, i understand your needs and your fears, and i appreciate the mercy with which you handle your affairs with me, ensuring that i do not get hurt.

i have learnt many things, thanks to you.

my love, i do not wish to impose anything more upon you. and i wish to repay the kindness that you have shown. what is unsaid, is spoken very evidently to me, as you know. and i know. let us not deny what moves us. but let us know, that i am always there. in my happiness, in my grief, in my anxiety, in my anger, in my apathy - i always will be there whether you ask it of me or not.

sing your own song, dearheart, and i will sing the harmony.
dance your own moves, dearheart, and i will be the beat.

and when you wish solitude, love, it will be given, no questions asked.

i believe in the sanctity and strength of what we have. and i will never tire saying this:

i love you true.

words are not enough

just 8 months ago, i wrote about the passing of my grandmother.

now i write about the passing of my grandfather, beloved Ahmed Bin Yusof.

i mourn losing him with the rest of my family, and am especially sad for my mother and her siblings who lost both parents in the relatively short period of 8 months.

a pain i do not want to have to go through.

but yet, i celebrate that he left peacefully and painlessly, and his suffering ceased.

his last acknowledgement of me was a simple nod, about a week ago. that was before he lost his awareness of his surroundings, and entered the throes of his passing.
and now this simple man, who did not want anything much out of life, but gave everything for his children and grandchildren is gone.

now things really will change.

May Allah bless your dear soul, and place you and Nani among those who are favoured, and enter you into Paradise, where we shall all meet again as one, insya Allah.

Al-Fatihah.

haha... more wedding updates... keep 'em coming!

another two friends recently got hitched. presenting the newlyweds!

zakiah and syakir

marlina and alfian

May Allah bless their coming together in holy matrimony, and guide them towards a life full of love and faith!

*on a side note, all these weddings are quite the pressure-cooker... haha.

if you want to act dumb...

...then so be it.

but i will not stand for disrespect. an apology is still due, whether you see it or not.

and i will not be the one that suffers pain for the hurt someone caused me, and just keep silent about it and pretend that it did not happen... like what you are doing now.

keep away until you decide to get your manners back.

of the way people act

a new song by beyonce. although she sings it from the perspective of a woman, i guess both sides experience the same things... so my lyrics reflect that :)

"You don’t understand
Yeah you don’t understand
How it feels to love someone each day
You wish you were a better man

You don’t listen to us
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken them for granted
And everything you have got destroyed

But you’re just a boy..."

reminiscence

long ago, someone dedicated this song to me. i recently heard it, and it brought back a wave of memories... which will only remain memories.

i guess sometimes loving may not be quite enough...

glimpsing the pains

as i looked upon my grandfather yesterday, as he took one laborious breath after the next, i was suddenly aware of the recitation in the background.

Say: Do you argue with us about God?
He is our Sustainer as well as your Sustainer -
and unto us shall be accounted our deeds, and unto you, your deeds;
and it is unto Him alone that we devote ourselves.
(Al-Baqarah:139)

and already in this world, we begin to answer for ourselves.

Oh Most Merciful and Forgiving, show mercy and forgive us.

love you all.

people grow up. people move on.

but i am glad that some make the effort still.

congrats ali and lala!

hur hur... second wedding event in a row.

may Allah bless you guys with a happy and virtuous matrimony, seeded in faith and love!

congratulations Zan and Ada!

as can quite obviously be seen, my dear friend Hurizan got hitched with his belle Ada this weekend, and it was a whirlwind of events from Friday afternoon to Saturday evening!

i am honoured to have been allowed to be a part of the celebrations...

my camera skills suck. so i shan't put more pictures than these three here.

this picture was taken on the first day after the solemnization. the story was that we couldn't do a shoot at seletar reservoir due to construction works, so we went into seletar west camp. the house we immediately stopped beside was suddenly offered to us as a shooting location by the owner, and we of course took the opportunity to use such rustic locality, and got some really nice shots. the image almost looks photoshopped, but its 100% real. the couple were dressed in traditional white malay costume.

the sanding took part on the second day, with a bold choice of colours for the groom, but indeed it looks fantabulous on him. pink and green do go together very well. the challenge was dressing Zan up in the morning, and forming the all-important crossage on the kain samping. i am super proud to say, i did that flower, and i made it look good. haha. with help from people la, you know who you are. the mak andam did not even need to touch it up. haha.

the final change was for dinner. the couple took on a regal maroon javanese inspired garb, which really drew attention to them. the bling on them is enough to make 50 Cents look even cheaper - so says the mak andam. haha. and what a fitting way to end a most memorable event - with pomp and splendour.

Congrats again to the newly-weds!

abandonment

pride is when one thinks so highly of oneself, that one creates these expectations towards others. but that pride is ugly, and one feels that ugliness, when one realises that others don't think quite so highly of oneself.

so abandon that pride.
and all expectations will go with it.

the less one thinks "i don't deserve this kind of treatment", the more one becomes deserving in the eyes of the One.

abandoning that pride allows one to not feel for one's ego.
and when the ego is diminished, the easier it is for one to disappear in His Glory.

then disappear.

just venting

when you call, sekurang-kurangnya nizar layan baik-baik. kalau nizar tahu nizar tak mampu, nizar tak akan jawab. why did you bother answering if you felt i was a bother?

ragam orang. nak sedih, nak marah pun tak guna, sebab yang merasa cuma diri sendiri.
ye lah, orang sibuk. nizar mengganggu. salah diri sendiri.

of humility and sincerity

my grandfather is not well. he's been in the hospital for the past 2 weeks. and as is common with the elderly once they spend a longer time than is expected at the hospital, confusion and disorientation can set in. and the impact of such a state can be very painful to see, especially for family members.

it is humbling to see how when that privilege of cognizance is taken away, one is little more than a shadow of one's previous self. for my grandpa, it upset me tremendously to see him in that state. some of the things he said to me were enough to rend me apart, and i am still affected by it. while i understood that he was in a disabled state of mind, i still could not dissociate myself from feeling that when he said what he did, he meant it. his anger and frustration were more than evident.

and i glimpsed the pain that caregivers go through - my mother, aunties and uncles - and families of my patients, and can only begin to truly comprehend the sincerity that goes into caring for someone. "treat in fairness, but do not expect to be treated so" - how strongly these words rang in my head. as my grandfather railed at me for not letting him come off the bed, all i could do was to look at him, and say no. and despite the things that happened, i could not just go off and leave him to his affairs.

i remember the times past when my grandfather was better.
when he was the doting father figure for all his grandchildren who stayed with him.
i want my memory of him to remain as that.

i pray you recover soon, that we will be able to talk about your life as we did before.

nerina pallot - idaho

Cause I can’t be anyone but me, anyone but me

And I can’t keep dreaming that I’m free, dreaming that I’m free

I don’t want to fall asleep and watch my life from fifty feet

My hands are on the wheel so I’m driving to Idaho

Cause I hear it’s mighty pretty...

passion

" The moth forgets about itself as it yearns for the light,
knowing no fear and feeling no heat from the bright light of the lamp.
It strives toward the light,
singing its wings,
but continues to strive with all its being."

- Silence of the Sufi

qaisy dan laila

am waiting to see this show on tv. hope i dun miss it.
in any case, i love the song. its called "warkah buat laila" or "letter for laila".

"Doakanlah Laila, doakan untuk ku dan yang senasib dengan ku
Agar kebenaran kembali dijulang
Sabar redha bertawakkal pada hikmah kalimah
Lailahaillallah Muhammadar Rasulullah"

serving the servants... for the love of the Lover

the hoopoe left me a very moving comment two posts ago, and i am just bringing it up again here because sheer coincidence or not, i bought a book immediately the day after that spoke of the exact same thing. and i felt that it was something that was inevitably fated for me to hear and learn. so i put it here for everyone else as well.

the hoopoe:
"...establish your "rope with mankind" - cos being a muslim is not just about worship really. get out of that mindset that prevents and confused so many muslim from being true to our existence (and i am not even talking about the self), and perhaps, even to God. don't get trapped in the illusion that you are good to God via your worship - He does not need that. you need to be good to His creations to truly know Him and to reach Him..."

from the book, "The Silence of the Sufis":
"If a Muslim desires to render service unto another, honour him! - say the shaikhs. For service to another is the reason for God's acceptance of hearts and the condition for crossing over to zikr and muraqabah... The result of rendering service is love and the attachment of hearts, because service is by its very nature based upon love for those who are more deserving of it... in accordance with the scale of the love you demonstrate to others, the Most High's love will come to you in return."

Amin. Amin. Amin.

May Allah continually guide those who seek His Love.
and thank you again, hoopoe.

rindu

nizar rindu.

in memoriam of the sweet lady

got this message a few days ago.

"Hi Nizar, just want to thank you for all your help to rehabilitate my mother and lending her a listening ear. She got a stroke and passed away 10 days ago. You gave her much joy in being able to stand, and listening to her grievances, she enjoyed your visits very much. God has been gracious, she slipped into unconsciousness very fast, but we all miss her a lot. Thank you very much in lifting up her spirits."

one sometimes fails to realise the value of one's work, especially when caught up in the humdrums of life.

but i know why i do what i do.

raya yang hilang

"Bergema suara di pagi fajar

Mendayu irama takbir berlagu penuh syahdu

Oh sayang Syawal menjelma, tiada seindah yang sudah

Hanya keluhan pilu bermain di kalbu..."

suffice to say that perhaps things have changed. and that it saddens me greatly.

Eid Greetings to all

May our sins be expiated, like birds freed from their restraints,
And our rewards, proliferated, bountiful without constraints,

As the day is celebrated, free from malice and taint,

Our egos exonerated, to Him we reacquaint.

Minal aidin wal faizin wal maqbulin.

Forgive me my transgression against you, and have a blessed Eid with loved ones.

emo me part 2

emo me

warning.
not quite ramadhan-ish.

reflections of ramadhan

thanks to a friend for posting this...

ramadhan is observed all over the world in various manners... and its just beautiful how everyone else does it... these pictures tell you why...

Symbolizing the faith of Islam, the crescent moon is seen at sunset on top of the Faisal Mosque in Islamabad, Pakistan, Tuesday, Sept. 16, 2008. (AP Photo/Wally Santana)

An officer of Brunei's Islamic authority looks through a telescope as he performs "rukyah", the sighting of the new moon for Ramadan, over the skies of Bukit Agok outside Bandar Seri Begawan August 31, 2008. Muslims scan the sky at dusk at the end of their lunar calendar's eighth month in search of the new moon to proclaim the beginning of Ramadan. (REUTERS/Ahim Rani)

The Al-Zaim family of Duxbury, Massachusetts sits, gathered together for their dinner after 7pm on September 14th, 2008, to break their Ramadan Fast. (Justine Hunt/Globe Staff Photo)

Kashmiri Muslims offer prayers inside the Jamia Masjid, or Grand Mosque, on the first Friday of Ramadan in Srinagar, India, Friday, Sept. 5, 2008. (AP Photo/Dar Yasin)

A child prepares food for Iftar (evening meal) before the breaking of fast on the first day of Ramadan at Memon Mosque in Karachi, Pakistan on September 2, 2008.

Visually impaired Palestinian students read verses of the Koran, Islam's holiest book, written in Braille, during the holy fasting month of Ramadan at Al-Qabas Islamic school in the West Bank city of Ramallah, Sunday, Sept. 7, 2008.

A boy sleeps in a mosque while waiting to break his fast on the first day of Ramadan in Makassar, Indonesia on September 1, 2008.

more pictures at http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2008/09/observing_ramadan.html

its really sad how soon it is going to be over...

Allah accept our deeds, forgive our sins, and make us better people...
And let us meet the next Ramadhan, by your Grace.
Amin.

jason mraz - life is wonderful

"And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
And it takes some fears to make you trust
It takes some tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished..."

and another

puke-a-thon. *WEEEEEEEEEEERRRRGHHHHH*

family guy farting contest

i couldn't help but laugh. my youngest bro showed this to me.

the journey

the blessed month of Ramadhan is finally here.

and so begins the journey of self-reflection.

May Allah grant us all the piety and strength to increase our devotions, and may He too accept the endeavours that we strive towards.

"It is not the end that matters, but the journey towards it."

Ramadhan Mubarak everyone!

wall-e

watch it.

you cannot believe how adorable robots can be.

especially when they are in love.

and i cried at some parts. laughed at most parts.

i love the psycho robot ward. brings new meaning to "short-circuited".

one of the many scenes that make the movie absolutely worth it.

the ties that bind

had an interesting discussion a few weeks back with two friends. and one of them raised up a very pertinent point about me. a very apt observation, if i may say.

well, she said, "If you weren't so religiously inclined, I would think that you would have gone wild."

i hate to say it, but she's right.

she also said that she thinks I am holding on to a very thin rope - so tenuous that it could go anytime. and frankly, that scares me, and I am afraid of the truth of it.

it got me thinking about the whole concept of the ties between humankind (habluminannaas) and the ties between Man and God (habluminallah). Man is connected to God by that relationship of faith and subservience, of a servant to his Master. However, how Man chooses to sustain and maintain that relationship is entirely up to him. He can choose to reinforce that rope, through God-awareness and piety, or he can wear down that rope through disobedience and mischief-making.

Yet, Man is not entirely alone in this. His relationship with others serve to further bolster or deteriorate that relationship to God. Imagine Man hanging in limbo between God and other men. All other men would also have relationships with God. If one man were to have a fraying rope, but he is with others whose ropes are strong and taut, the chances of that one man falling to his own doom is lessened, because the net force is upwards. But conversely, if that one man were to have a frayed rope, and he associates with others whose ropes are similarly frayed, then their association will just increase their combined burden, and the net force will snap their individual ropes, who cannot bear the load of their accumulated actions.

which is why the Prophet made it especially clear in the matter of choosing companions, that one should never forsake faith for any other matters that may attract the friendship.

something to think about.