three times

three times i tried, and three times denied
three times i cried, and three times in spite
three times i yearned and sought
three times all came to naught
three times my heart was killed
and forever it may remain sealed

sephia...what a song

Hey,Sephia
Malam ini ku takkan datang
Mencoba 'tuk berpaling sayang
Dari cintamu
Hey,Sephia
Malam ini ku takkan pulang
Tak usah kau mencari aku,
demi cintamu
Hadapilah ini
Kisah kita takkan abadi

Hey Sephia
I wont be coming tonight
I am trying to turn myself
Away from your love
Hey Sephia
I wont be returning tonight
Dont bother looking for me,
For the sake of your love
Face it,
Our love story will not last forever

S'lamat tidur kekasih gelap ku
S'moga cepat kau lupakan aku
Kekasih sejatimu takkan pernah sanggup
untuk melupakanmu
S'lamat tinggal kasih tak terungkap
S'moga kau lupakan aku cepat
Kekasih sejatimu takkan pernah sanggup
untuk meninggalkanmu

Goodnight my illicit lover
May you forget me with haste
For a true lover will never ever
Be able to forget you
Goodbye my unmentionable love
May you forget me with haste
For a true lover could never ever
Bring himself to leave you

Hey,Sephia
Jangan pernah panggil namaku
Bila kita bertemu lagi
Dilain hari
Hadapilah ini
Kisah kita takkan abadi

Hey Sephia,
Never ever call out my name
If ever we should meet
On occasion
Face it,
Our love story will never last forever

this is a song by indonesian band sheila on 7. i heard the song some time ago but i din really take notice of it. i actually only truly pay attention to songs when they are played with the right images at the right time. so while i was watching tv that day, they played the song as a trailer for an up-coming serial. and i got hooked.

and then as i was listening and looking at the lyrics, i realised that the song, while at first glance may appear to be typically lovey-dovey, i realised that it was actually not so. the song actually sings about an illicit affair which the protagonist no longer wishes to continue. and that he wants a clean break, with no traces that the love or affair ever took place between them. and this was a really refreshing outlook on love, where songs traditionally have been written proclaiming the sanctity and inviolability of love. love songs tended to carry a very stereotypical message, that true love will prevail, ideal in all senses, happy endings will follow...you know the story.

so a song about an affair gone sour(?) is indeed new. and it brings a new perspective to the jaded outlook that love songs convey.

so i give thumbs up for this song. i love it.

giving up on you

i'm so tired that i can't sleep
standing on the edge of something much too deep
it's funny how i feel so much yet cannot say a word
we are screaming inside oh we can't be heard

i will remember you
will you remember me?
don't let your life pass you by
weep not for the memories

i am sorry but i give up. Let's just take it like we never had anything special between us. I regret it had to happen the way it did. Sorry for everything.

Be well.

So it has been said, so it shall be done.
Let this be my doom, for as long as it is ordained.
I will it pass, and so it shall.

and no more it shall be, as i tried to make it before.
but this time, no more is true, and will hold thus.

prestige and practicality...friendship and enmity...melodrama of me

so so so...what has it come to now? me biting my fingers all day through just cos the future holds very uncertain things. i am damn sure that i do not want to ever do engine. but i am also damn sure that my parents will not be totally supportive. this decision i make is my own...truly my own. and i am left all alone to deliberate and to ruminate the possible effects of success or failure.

i will send in the application to occupational therapy, i might as well. but i should also be attending school in case i do not get it. but the lethargy of NTU has set in and rooted itself pretty well in me. i really dunno, because i really cannot stand the subjects anymore. and even if i do, i will be so far back that i might as well just take it all from the beginning, which i definitely do not want to.

and that is why i am biting my fingers, because like it or not, my exams are just too close for comfort. and these are exams that i have to take, like it or not. and i got to pretty much make sure that i make it through for it is still my back-up. sigh.

and i did try to make up. but there was just simply no response. so there.
do not say i did not try. and i will remind myself that i did try to no avail.
friendship ends? i do not know.

but frankly, it does not matter.

or does it?

wisdom speaks to you, do you listen?

as you can perhaps infer from the tone of my blogs lately, i am kinda depressed...well, was kinda depressed. but last night, i had this really really good talk with an angel, and she reminded me that i needed to love myself more before i go around loving others...since i will only have myself to blame if at the end of the day, i find myself crying.

i should learn to unexpect, rather than hope for things to happen. i should take good care of my soul, since they will not take care of it for me. i should not be obliged, rather i should want to. because in obligation there is expectation of return, but in wanting, there is just free giving. i must learn to smile at myself despite what others say or think, and i must learn to hold myself together despite what others do to bring or break me down.

if they do not appreciate me, i can always appreciate myself. if they do not love me, all the more i should love myself. it's not their fault if they cannot give back to me, but it's not mine either should i decide to stop giving. in that i will take heart.

the wisdom of an angel spoke to me and made me smile. the wisdom of an angel brought me up from my sorrow and gloom, and ignited that spirit again. to that angel, soon to be reborn, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

when wisdom speaks, listen.

all falling through part 3

the fleetingness of life

in memoriam of 3 souls whose passed in the months of january, february and march.

shuhairi's father, johari's father, and hafidz's sister.

God bless their souls and place them among His lovers, and grant them the much-needed respite from this cruel world. Amin.

just a reminder to me of how short life is, and how very fast everything can fly by, and how certain things should be cherished and held close for all time.

certain things like love.

all my plans, all falling through, will i ever love, in spite of you?

all falling through part 2

friendship and finances.

i thought that i had found the perfect group of people that i could share my secrets and concerns and worries and thoughts with. i thought that these people would actually be the one group among the many that i have, that would actually last me for the years that have been, the years that are, and the years that shall be. it all began so beautifully when we were all in secondary school. nine years it has been, and i had hoped that it would last for nine times that. when the first cracks appeared among other members in secondary school, i had thought that it was only temporary, and that all would be ok again in a few days. but that was not to be. those who sundered, remained so till today.

and in my fear and sorrow, i actually pledged to make myself the one constant force that would always withstand whatever changes that occur. i would be the one they could always turn to, to seek support, to seek counsel, to seek respite no matter what they did or how long they turn away from the circle. i would be that stone that keeps everything in place, and that stone everyone could lean on. and so that position i kept, and that attitude i stood by for the nine years that has passed.

but nine years is not a short time, and in nine years many things can change. i have come to accept that people change, either subtly or drastically, but that change does occur. this is nature. and my attitude in remaining the stubborn block that refuses to embrace change, will in due time, bite me when i least expect it. when i least want it to. and it has. and i feel the extreme pain of being hurt by myself, and those whom i strove to serve.

the love that i had dedicated, has finally worn itself out, a situation i never expected could happen. and i have lost faith in that kind of love. my dearest is lost to me, and my friends are no longer what they were before, both in their value to me, and to how they appear to me. the one closest to me, i shall not subject to my love because i do not wish for history to repeat itself. and the others, will never be able to appreciate me for who i truly can be, for i am shutting that part of me down, for the sake of myself and everyone around me.

all my plans, all falling through. all my friends aren't who they were, fool.

finances are killing me. killing me. killing me. money makes the world go round? money makes mine tumble upside down.

all falling through part 1

I shall separate this entry into a few portions. the first shall be my attempt to portray my appeal case to change my course of study, and the consequences of my appeal.

the second part shall cover my woes in friendship and finance.

the third part shall be a memoriam to three souls who passed into the next life.

so here goes.

i will begin with a transcript of the letter i gave to the Dean, with regards to my desire to undertake a course of study in SCI.

I am (name withheld), matriculation no. (withheld), from the School of Engineering (First Year). I am writing to inform you of my wish to transfer from my current course of study to the Communications and Information Studies course offered by SCI. Under the advice of my senior who is currently in her final year in SCI, I have decided to correspond directly with you in hope that your awareness will help facilitate the appeal process.

Sir, I appeal to you based on the following reasons. I believe that passion for the learning must exist before one can truly enjoy the education process. While I initially opted to study engineering, it was my heart’s calling to engage in a more social aspect of learning, a field of learning where I can be greatly exposed to society and the interaction between people. Indeed, many of my peers have reflected back to me that I was more suited for social sciences rather than engineering. They could not actually perceive me as an engineer. However, for some reasons, I went against the more logical and appealing choice and opted for engineering.

My fallacy proved itself in my first semester’s examinations results. I express my deepest regrets for not performing up to par for my examinations and I was deeply affected at having to face such depressing results. I fear that my morale would be further diminished if I were to continue in a course of study for which I have no heart to pursue. I do not wish to persist in this injustice that I had brought upon myself. I felt that I should seriously reconsider my future path and if necessary, rectify the matter as soon as possible. And that is why I have come to the decision to change courses.

I have heard from my Communication Skills tutor, (name withheld), that SCI has a different learning environment than that of School of Engineering. The lecturers and tutors are creative in their educational approach and they make learning ever so interesting. I would greatly desire to partake in such a vibrant environment which, undoubtedly, is more synonymous with my character and interests. And my tutor has kindly written a testimonial in support of my appeal, which you would find attached to this letter. Also attached are several other testimonials from my previous institutions of study which I hope will serve to strengthen my case.

Sir, university education is meant to prepare oneself for the life ahead and the career choices that one can make. Truthfully, I do not foresee myself in the engineering industry as I simply do not feel an affinity for it. On the other hand, being a very social person, I am more at ease with working with people and learning about them. My passion for writing, for meeting with people, for communications, cannot go unfelt and unanswered. And I firmly believe that SCI can definitely provide me with the knowledge and skills to develop my passion further and leave me fulfilled at the end of my term of study, while helping me achieve my aspirations in time to come.

Sir, I sincerely hope that you will regard my appeal with adequate attention, kindness and understanding. And I hope that you would assist in the expedient facilitation of my request. Please do allow me to present my case personally if you require any clarifications. I will be most open to an interview if the need arises.

I look forward to hearing a positive reply from you.

Thank you for your attention.

the initial response was rather encouraging. they actually prepared a test and an interview for me to go through. while the test went fine, the interview was to me a killer. i was unprepared for the cold audience that i was to face and the even colder shoulders that i was to rub. well, in the end, they decided that i was undeserving. so in an attempt to get the last laugh, i wrote in to the Dean once again expressing my regret.

I would like to express my deepest regrets for my inability to contribute to SCI in future, since my appeal has, quite unfortunately, been turned down.

It was, and still greatly is, my desire to be able to learn skills and knowledge that is closer to heart - skills that I felt could be provided and nurtured for by the educators at SCI. However, in my attempt to impress, I guess I forgot to prepare the things that were crucial to my successful appeal - my selling points as a potential student at SCI. And for that, I am truly disappointed in myself. I guess I have let myself down again.

But before I retreat back to my life as an engineering student, albeit unwillingly, perhaps I could entreat a few points that I observed on hindsight.

Firstly, the aptitude test that I had to sit for prior to the interview. The test assessed my abilities in vocabulary, news-editing and news-writing. I am surprised that I was actually tested for skills that I would have learnt and obtained had I been a student in SCI, but not as a "layman" to journalism. Don't you think that it is rather unfair, that if I obtained a poor grading on that test, it would be because I was unprepared as I was not initially taught the skills? The reason I appealed was so my desire to learn journalistic writing could be adequately addressed and so that I could receive whatever guidance that the tutors could provide. However, I have found myself in a position where I shall not even be given a chance to develop this passion and desire that I have.

Secondly, the interview session. While I have to agree that the interview had to be gruelling, and that being communication professors, the panel of interviewers were really cut out for what they did, I do not find it kind of them to have put me down by bringing up the issue that by virtue of my past results, I should have been denied any chances at all to enter SCI. Sir, surely as communicators, they would understand that the word "appeal" itself means a request that is made out of the normal frame or criteria that one is normally subjected to. And as it is, I have "appealed" on the basis of my desire, and the potential that I can see in myself and that you all at SCI also would, if only you would let me prove myself. I can see and I do see for myself that my results are not sufficient to qualify me. But I asked by virtue of passion, and potential, that I be accepted into SCI. I have nothing else, but my whole self to give and prove that I am worthy. But apparently, the panel of interviewers, with their "What's the headlines of today's newspapers?" and their expectations of me to possess a photographic memory of everything that I have read, did not deem me worthy of any chances at all. So I shall be left like a floundering fish on the sands of the shore, while the sea beckons but never truly embracing me with the life I need.

I do not intend any disrespect to any of the parties involved in my appeal case. I thank them once again for their time and trouble.

And my respects and gratitude to you Sir, without whom I would not even have had the chance for this liaison.

Sadly though, my disappointment at being rejected might be the only memory that I would have of SCI in times to come.

With deepest regrets

well, so my appeal fell through my fingers, just as everything is falling through them. i was greatly saddened, but Ratna told me that i actually should look to the bigger picture, and that there may be a silver lining to it all. well dear, i am still looking for it. my disappointment actually goes beyond myself, and i am grieved that i feel this way towards whoever it is.

and when my parents found out, they were saying that it was alright. but as i just found out, they were not actually happy that i wanted to change courses. which only verified my train of thoughts and assumptions. they want me to do engineering, or at least something just as prestigious. i brought up another option that i could take, and that was the occupational therapy diploma. but my mom was not too keen, and she counter-suggested that i retake my a levels and take medicine after that.

all my plans, all falling through. all my dreams, shattered by the cruel.