all falling through part 1

I shall separate this entry into a few portions. the first shall be my attempt to portray my appeal case to change my course of study, and the consequences of my appeal.

the second part shall cover my woes in friendship and finance.

the third part shall be a memoriam to three souls who passed into the next life.

so here goes.

i will begin with a transcript of the letter i gave to the Dean, with regards to my desire to undertake a course of study in SCI.

I am (name withheld), matriculation no. (withheld), from the School of Engineering (First Year). I am writing to inform you of my wish to transfer from my current course of study to the Communications and Information Studies course offered by SCI. Under the advice of my senior who is currently in her final year in SCI, I have decided to correspond directly with you in hope that your awareness will help facilitate the appeal process.

Sir, I appeal to you based on the following reasons. I believe that passion for the learning must exist before one can truly enjoy the education process. While I initially opted to study engineering, it was my heart’s calling to engage in a more social aspect of learning, a field of learning where I can be greatly exposed to society and the interaction between people. Indeed, many of my peers have reflected back to me that I was more suited for social sciences rather than engineering. They could not actually perceive me as an engineer. However, for some reasons, I went against the more logical and appealing choice and opted for engineering.

My fallacy proved itself in my first semester’s examinations results. I express my deepest regrets for not performing up to par for my examinations and I was deeply affected at having to face such depressing results. I fear that my morale would be further diminished if I were to continue in a course of study for which I have no heart to pursue. I do not wish to persist in this injustice that I had brought upon myself. I felt that I should seriously reconsider my future path and if necessary, rectify the matter as soon as possible. And that is why I have come to the decision to change courses.

I have heard from my Communication Skills tutor, (name withheld), that SCI has a different learning environment than that of School of Engineering. The lecturers and tutors are creative in their educational approach and they make learning ever so interesting. I would greatly desire to partake in such a vibrant environment which, undoubtedly, is more synonymous with my character and interests. And my tutor has kindly written a testimonial in support of my appeal, which you would find attached to this letter. Also attached are several other testimonials from my previous institutions of study which I hope will serve to strengthen my case.

Sir, university education is meant to prepare oneself for the life ahead and the career choices that one can make. Truthfully, I do not foresee myself in the engineering industry as I simply do not feel an affinity for it. On the other hand, being a very social person, I am more at ease with working with people and learning about them. My passion for writing, for meeting with people, for communications, cannot go unfelt and unanswered. And I firmly believe that SCI can definitely provide me with the knowledge and skills to develop my passion further and leave me fulfilled at the end of my term of study, while helping me achieve my aspirations in time to come.

Sir, I sincerely hope that you will regard my appeal with adequate attention, kindness and understanding. And I hope that you would assist in the expedient facilitation of my request. Please do allow me to present my case personally if you require any clarifications. I will be most open to an interview if the need arises.

I look forward to hearing a positive reply from you.

Thank you for your attention.

the initial response was rather encouraging. they actually prepared a test and an interview for me to go through. while the test went fine, the interview was to me a killer. i was unprepared for the cold audience that i was to face and the even colder shoulders that i was to rub. well, in the end, they decided that i was undeserving. so in an attempt to get the last laugh, i wrote in to the Dean once again expressing my regret.

I would like to express my deepest regrets for my inability to contribute to SCI in future, since my appeal has, quite unfortunately, been turned down.

It was, and still greatly is, my desire to be able to learn skills and knowledge that is closer to heart - skills that I felt could be provided and nurtured for by the educators at SCI. However, in my attempt to impress, I guess I forgot to prepare the things that were crucial to my successful appeal - my selling points as a potential student at SCI. And for that, I am truly disappointed in myself. I guess I have let myself down again.

But before I retreat back to my life as an engineering student, albeit unwillingly, perhaps I could entreat a few points that I observed on hindsight.

Firstly, the aptitude test that I had to sit for prior to the interview. The test assessed my abilities in vocabulary, news-editing and news-writing. I am surprised that I was actually tested for skills that I would have learnt and obtained had I been a student in SCI, but not as a "layman" to journalism. Don't you think that it is rather unfair, that if I obtained a poor grading on that test, it would be because I was unprepared as I was not initially taught the skills? The reason I appealed was so my desire to learn journalistic writing could be adequately addressed and so that I could receive whatever guidance that the tutors could provide. However, I have found myself in a position where I shall not even be given a chance to develop this passion and desire that I have.

Secondly, the interview session. While I have to agree that the interview had to be gruelling, and that being communication professors, the panel of interviewers were really cut out for what they did, I do not find it kind of them to have put me down by bringing up the issue that by virtue of my past results, I should have been denied any chances at all to enter SCI. Sir, surely as communicators, they would understand that the word "appeal" itself means a request that is made out of the normal frame or criteria that one is normally subjected to. And as it is, I have "appealed" on the basis of my desire, and the potential that I can see in myself and that you all at SCI also would, if only you would let me prove myself. I can see and I do see for myself that my results are not sufficient to qualify me. But I asked by virtue of passion, and potential, that I be accepted into SCI. I have nothing else, but my whole self to give and prove that I am worthy. But apparently, the panel of interviewers, with their "What's the headlines of today's newspapers?" and their expectations of me to possess a photographic memory of everything that I have read, did not deem me worthy of any chances at all. So I shall be left like a floundering fish on the sands of the shore, while the sea beckons but never truly embracing me with the life I need.

I do not intend any disrespect to any of the parties involved in my appeal case. I thank them once again for their time and trouble.

And my respects and gratitude to you Sir, without whom I would not even have had the chance for this liaison.

Sadly though, my disappointment at being rejected might be the only memory that I would have of SCI in times to come.

With deepest regrets

well, so my appeal fell through my fingers, just as everything is falling through them. i was greatly saddened, but Ratna told me that i actually should look to the bigger picture, and that there may be a silver lining to it all. well dear, i am still looking for it. my disappointment actually goes beyond myself, and i am grieved that i feel this way towards whoever it is.

and when my parents found out, they were saying that it was alright. but as i just found out, they were not actually happy that i wanted to change courses. which only verified my train of thoughts and assumptions. they want me to do engineering, or at least something just as prestigious. i brought up another option that i could take, and that was the occupational therapy diploma. but my mom was not too keen, and she counter-suggested that i retake my a levels and take medicine after that.

all my plans, all falling through. all my dreams, shattered by the cruel.