saying my piece (peace) yet again

this is for you bro.

i think it is not fair to either of us that the whole incident happened.
so i am saying how i feel here. and however you choose to feel or regard me after reading this is entirely up to you. but i would have said my peace, and i won't ever want to bring it up again.

i have never been one to let go of an offence towards me that easily. it is not because i am an unforgiving person, or because i am petty, but it is because i am tired of people being emotionally inept, and not using their hearts to think about others some time in their lives. and i especially have a stronger expectation of my closer friends to understand me, and to be more aware of how they affect me emotionally. because if i take the effort to understand and be empathetic, there is no reason why you cannot take the same kind of effort.

you may think that this whole issue was a small matter blown up by me. but that is entirely your perception, and if you feel so, then so be it.

when it began:
i did not know what triggered off that first attack that night when you kicked my chair. totally and utterly uncalled for. and yes you apologised, but the way you apologised was also insincere like you were angry and were forced to do so by some unknown impulse. i took that act as disrespectful and hurtful, and the apology as a non-apology. yes we hugged after before we parted. but part of me was still there on the chair, kicked and abused.

before we parted:
you broached the 10-million dollar question: "any advice for me?" and you automatically expected me to know what is in your head? and give you a reply that would knock some sense into you? no, i am not a psychic, nor am i a saint to know what goes on in your heart and mind. you were arguing over the phone throughout the whole trip, and then you ask me for advice? what was i supposed to think of? the phone conversation naturally, no? but apparently you wanted to ask about another thing - which in my opinion, you do not have a right to ask about anymore, if you have moved on from the relationship, and frankly, i don't know whether you have. you chose not to tell me anything. you told another person. and you expected that person to tell me? is there no confidence among friends, that we would keep the secrets of the other? what sort of people do you think we are? that we would talk among each other about things which i would have much preferred to hear from yourself? again, disrespect to friends.

and then you disappeared for two weeks. i did try to get you to go out with me, the immediate monday after, so we could talk about whatever you wanted to talk about. you said you had to go out. fine. you knew my flexible hours through the week, but you did not call me back the whole of the week. no, the whole of two weeks. i just thought that you were busy with school, what being newly transferred and all that. i did not think much about it. but in fact, there was no news at all.

most recent contact:
you suddenly came online, asked about some trivial things, and then jumped that information on me. and frankly, i don't know how you expected me to react, because i did not know how to react. under normal circumstances, i would have been esctatic. but this time round, my happiness was overwhelmed by my sense of disappointment about how a friend had treated me so nonchalantly, so dismissingly. and then when i told you about how i truly felt, you just said that you were very very sorry, which i felt was very patronising because i am not a child who can be so easily soothed with sorry, and you moved on to talk about other trivialities. and it appeared to me that how i was feeling then was something that was merely trivial to you. how did i feel then after that? indignant.

yes. that entry was for you. but i could not bring myself to say it to you, because i still cared about whether you would feel hurt. you tell me to tell you if you had done anything to offend me, but are you sure that you would have been able to handle it? i don't want to beat you down the way you beat yourself down. but the last sms on the issue that i sent you - that i did not know how to feel towards you after what you told me, much less feel indignant - had to be told as it is. and i apparently hit you somewhere inside. and now you are missing again, leaving it not resolved.

i am saying my peace here, in this piece of writing, to let you know what i feel right now. and now that i have said it out, you can perhaps see for yourself if i am justified to feel indignant and angry. and if sorry is enough to cover up the wrong that i feel has been done towards me.

i have said what i wanted. and i will not say it again anymore because there is no point repeating it another time. and i have to write my feelings off because i have already made it known, so i cannot keep it inside anymore. so that means that i cannot feel angry already, so i won't. and if any of my words offend you, i apologise beforehand. but it will be as though this never happened, and if you choose to act indifferently, then by all means, it is a choice you make.

i cannot fault you for being unable to see from my point of view.
and i cannot and will not take you to task for that.
because i still have regard for you as a close friend, and i still respect you.

don't make me have to discard that respect for you, as how you may have unknowingly done towards me.

better prospects?

a flyer came in promoting teaching as a career.
and my mother asked me to take it up, quoting better prospects.
exactly what she implied by better prospects, i don't know.

but its getting very clear to me that she does not seem to think what i do is anything worthy.
she does not seem to think that my work is real work.

for whatever reasons.

and i am hurt by this attitude.

for many reasons too.

and i am sad that she only has this narrow view of what life should be like.
and i don't share the same view. unfortunately for the both of us.

i want her to be happy, but i don't want live on her terms only.
because its not fair to me. not after all i have done to get where i am.

life can get real crappy when you don't see eye to eye.

hot ears.

i feel extremely indignant.
extremely.

advice not solicited

just the words that i wanted to say but never did, because i could not find the right expressions for it.

asalkan jangan sampai perhubungan itu menjadi fitnah buat diri kamu. fitnah dari segi menjauhkan diri dari mengingati Allah, fitnah dari segi membebankan diri dengan hal yang tidak mampu ditanggung, fitnah dari segi menjadi buah mulut orang yang tidak manis, fitnah dari segi mencabar pegangan diri sendiri. dan bermacam-macam lagi fitnah.

mungkin nizar tak dapat beritahu secara berdepan muka.

tetapi nizar harap sampai pesanan ini kepada yang ditujukan.

"Ya Allah, kami bermohon perlindungan daripada azab Jahannam, dan azab kubur, fitnah dalam hidup ataupun mati, dan dari keburukan fitnah Dajjal."

humility in seeking knowledge

Sometimes we feel that we have gotten a certain amount of knowledge, and then we feel satisfied with ourselves. But the amount of our knowledge as compared to the vastness of His Oceans of Knowledge, is but that of a bird who dips his beak to drink, and the smallest of drops falls back - that is the quantity of knowledge that has been related by Moses and Khidr a.s. And those two are learned people, and prophets to boot. who are we?

3 instances to bring up.

Maqasid class, Ustaz asked:
"Do you know the hukum of a jemaah prayer?"

DI last week. A kid asked:
"Abang you know how to pray?"

And this morning, Ustaz commented:
"We are just students on the path of knowledge..."

It is a great blessing to have been started on this path.
But I got to remember to always see myself as incomplete and not knowledgeable enough still, so that I will continue to search.

Taqabbal minni Ya Rabb.

david cook - always be my baby

top 8 - seasons of love

five hundred twenty-five thousand
six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty-five thousand
journeys to plan
five hundred twenty-five thousand
six hundred minutes
how do you measure the life
of a woman or a man
in truth that she learns
or in times that he cried
in bridges he burned
or the way that she dies
its time now to sing out
tho the story never ends
lets celebrate
remember a year in the life of friends
remember the love
measure in love
seasons of love

carrie underwood - praying for time

And its hard to love,
Theres so much to hate
Hanging on to hope
When there is no hope to speak of
And the wounded skies above
Say its much too late
Well maybe we should all be
Praying for time

annie lennox - many rivers

I`ve got many rivers to cross
But I can`t seem to find my way over
Wandering I am lost as I travel along
The white cliffs of dover
Many rivers to cross and it`s only my will
That keeps me alive
I`ve been licked, washed up for years and,
I merely survive because of my pride.

daughtry - what about now

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

recap of idol gives back

last thursday i stayed home to do some work, and at the same time, had the good fortune to catch Idol Gives Back, the american idol fundraising event. and some of the world issues raised up really touched me, and the celebrities going into impoverished areas around the globe to make their reports did make an impact.

each time there was a story, it made me cry - as it rightfully should.

in any case, it made for good realignment of perspectives as well as giving me insight into myself.

the process was cathartic to say the least.

and i loved the music that night. so i will be dedicating a few posts on the music i heard that really drove straight home to the heart.

woes of a working man.

well. talk about the cost of education.

just about education.

letters came in my post today.
both from cpf.

saying about the education scheme thing, which basically means that since i have completed my education on account of my father's moolah, it is now time for me to pay back.

1 year in ntu - $5495.05
3 years in nyp - $6558.23

thats the amount that i will have to credit into my dad's account, with interest within the next 12 years. doesn't sound so bad when you look at it. but from a person who is earning peanuts, the amount works out to quite a significant amount per month, even at prevailing rates.

and lets not even go into wanting to pursue my degree which would cost me about $20000 more.

everything is about money.

i just want to go back to the books. and study for free.

sigh.

seeing through the hoopoe's eyes

i quote from his blog.

"At times, we think that we know it all. But we do not if we do not see the world. Travelling across God's land is also something which God encourages us to do - and by doing so, we begin to see the greatness of His Creation through the multitute of diversities in which He creates. Every step we take in a different land and place, every breath we breathe in this huge expanse of God's land, every person whom we meet in our lives who touched it or scratched it - all these experiences make us what we eventually are and mould us. The more we undertake such journeys, the richer we become. The more perspectives we learn, the more merciful and forgiving we become. The more experiences we go through, the faster we become what we are destined to be. The more we have of this, the more humane we become."

excellent words.

angry..?

i wrote that to remind myself what i read last week.
that my anger avails no one but syaithan.
and my irritation serves to fuel my journey to somewhere i don't want to go.

so let it be clear. i am not angry.
cos to be absolutely fair, i have no reason to be.

but i have a choice to be indifferent and detached.

al-ghadab

A man said to Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), "Advise me."
The Prophet (pbuh) replied, "Do not become angry."

Anger is the worst of all seventeen of the ruinous traits. It may easily be said that anger is the source from which the others flow.

When a person is overpowered by anger, it is akin to intoxication. His anger takes him far from his normal pattern of thinking, and he becomes unable to reason rationally. When one is in a state of anger, one loses the ability to listen to reason, follow good judgment or accept advise. That is why the Prophet (pbuh) said to his dear companion Abu Bakr Siddiq, "Anger is a form of disbelief."

Allah said, " Those who control their wrath and are forgiving towards mankind; God loveth the good." (Ali Imran:134)

Referring to the opposite of being angry, Allah mentions those who are able to control their anger. Moreover, Allah makes it clear that those who forgive the ones who make them angry, will be rewarded by Him. Any person who wants to eliminate anger, and is engaged in such a struggle, will receive these rewards.

You must burn down your anger, and keep it down, like a dog. If you restrain a dog in a very small room with food and water, he will bark and bark. But after one or two days, he will stop barking. The urge will die. Similarly, if you let your anger bark and bark, allowing it to rage in your heart, and appear in your features, or worse be expressed on your tongue, you will be ruined by its overwhelming strength. Yet if you begin to control your anger by keeping quiet, not allowing it to reach your tongue and not giving it control of your actions, anger will dissipate.

For that reason, the Prophet (pbuh) said, " If any of you becomes angry, let him keep silent."

May Allah protect us from anger.

-abridged verson from the Sufi Science of Self-Realization.

pearls before swine

my youngest bro loves to borrow those comics from the library.
and recently, he picked up an excellent title called "pearls before swine" by Stephen Pastis.
its just this whole menagerie of animals living in a suburb, and they all got their quirks. and i find the jokes really lame-but-funny. because the characters really bring it out. especially the ill-fated pig.

so here i have taken some selections for your enjoyment.