saying my piece (peace) yet again

this is for you bro.

i think it is not fair to either of us that the whole incident happened.
so i am saying how i feel here. and however you choose to feel or regard me after reading this is entirely up to you. but i would have said my peace, and i won't ever want to bring it up again.

i have never been one to let go of an offence towards me that easily. it is not because i am an unforgiving person, or because i am petty, but it is because i am tired of people being emotionally inept, and not using their hearts to think about others some time in their lives. and i especially have a stronger expectation of my closer friends to understand me, and to be more aware of how they affect me emotionally. because if i take the effort to understand and be empathetic, there is no reason why you cannot take the same kind of effort.

you may think that this whole issue was a small matter blown up by me. but that is entirely your perception, and if you feel so, then so be it.

when it began:
i did not know what triggered off that first attack that night when you kicked my chair. totally and utterly uncalled for. and yes you apologised, but the way you apologised was also insincere like you were angry and were forced to do so by some unknown impulse. i took that act as disrespectful and hurtful, and the apology as a non-apology. yes we hugged after before we parted. but part of me was still there on the chair, kicked and abused.

before we parted:
you broached the 10-million dollar question: "any advice for me?" and you automatically expected me to know what is in your head? and give you a reply that would knock some sense into you? no, i am not a psychic, nor am i a saint to know what goes on in your heart and mind. you were arguing over the phone throughout the whole trip, and then you ask me for advice? what was i supposed to think of? the phone conversation naturally, no? but apparently you wanted to ask about another thing - which in my opinion, you do not have a right to ask about anymore, if you have moved on from the relationship, and frankly, i don't know whether you have. you chose not to tell me anything. you told another person. and you expected that person to tell me? is there no confidence among friends, that we would keep the secrets of the other? what sort of people do you think we are? that we would talk among each other about things which i would have much preferred to hear from yourself? again, disrespect to friends.

and then you disappeared for two weeks. i did try to get you to go out with me, the immediate monday after, so we could talk about whatever you wanted to talk about. you said you had to go out. fine. you knew my flexible hours through the week, but you did not call me back the whole of the week. no, the whole of two weeks. i just thought that you were busy with school, what being newly transferred and all that. i did not think much about it. but in fact, there was no news at all.

most recent contact:
you suddenly came online, asked about some trivial things, and then jumped that information on me. and frankly, i don't know how you expected me to react, because i did not know how to react. under normal circumstances, i would have been esctatic. but this time round, my happiness was overwhelmed by my sense of disappointment about how a friend had treated me so nonchalantly, so dismissingly. and then when i told you about how i truly felt, you just said that you were very very sorry, which i felt was very patronising because i am not a child who can be so easily soothed with sorry, and you moved on to talk about other trivialities. and it appeared to me that how i was feeling then was something that was merely trivial to you. how did i feel then after that? indignant.

yes. that entry was for you. but i could not bring myself to say it to you, because i still cared about whether you would feel hurt. you tell me to tell you if you had done anything to offend me, but are you sure that you would have been able to handle it? i don't want to beat you down the way you beat yourself down. but the last sms on the issue that i sent you - that i did not know how to feel towards you after what you told me, much less feel indignant - had to be told as it is. and i apparently hit you somewhere inside. and now you are missing again, leaving it not resolved.

i am saying my peace here, in this piece of writing, to let you know what i feel right now. and now that i have said it out, you can perhaps see for yourself if i am justified to feel indignant and angry. and if sorry is enough to cover up the wrong that i feel has been done towards me.

i have said what i wanted. and i will not say it again anymore because there is no point repeating it another time. and i have to write my feelings off because i have already made it known, so i cannot keep it inside anymore. so that means that i cannot feel angry already, so i won't. and if any of my words offend you, i apologise beforehand. but it will be as though this never happened, and if you choose to act indifferently, then by all means, it is a choice you make.

i cannot fault you for being unable to see from my point of view.
and i cannot and will not take you to task for that.
because i still have regard for you as a close friend, and i still respect you.

don't make me have to discard that respect for you, as how you may have unknowingly done towards me.