the passing of a friend's father...

for all those who know adlin, her dad passed away this morning.
please gift a prayer and fatihah for his soul.

in retrospect, as i walked alone, i thought about how trivial certain things are when compared to death. how insignificant some of the things that are currently happening to me, and how i am handling them. it really brought home a point, of the frailty of life and of its temporality. i cried silently thinking about how we make unimportant things priorities in life, and forget its true purpose. sigh.

i guess even those who are still around need praying for.

end this

our stubbornness brought us both to this place. but i know neither of us will give in. i cannot see you anymore, nor hear of you, nor speak of you, nor think of you. my pain deepens everytime i do. in all equality, i shall not speak unkindly. but the disrespect towards me was more than i could bear. and like it or not, i cannot be that which i want to be - as how you cannot be what you want to be. so we are the same. and yet, while i erred on the side of emotiveness, you erred on the side of indifference. my hate erodes away at my hold on what i had once thought special and treasured. nothing binds us to each other now. not the past, not the present, nor the future.

empty. i see a void that will not be filled ever.

seek not my heart

Seek Not My Heart
by Kit McCallum

Oh gentle winds 'neath moonlit skies,
Do not you hear my heartfelt cries?
Below the branches, here about,
Do not you sense my fear and doubt?
'Side glistening rivers, sparkling streams,
Do not you hear my woeful screams?
Upon the meadows, touched with dew,
Do not you see my hearts a'skew?
Beneath the thousand twinkling stars,
Do not you feel my jagged scars?
Seek not my mournful heart kind breeze,
For you'll not find it 'mongst these trees.
It's scattered 'cross the moonlit skies,
Accompanied by heartfelt sighs.
It's drifting o'er the gentle rain,
A symbol of my silent pain.
It's buried 'neath the meadow fair,
Conjoined with all the sorrow there.
It's lost among the stars this night,
Too far to ease my quiet fright.
No, gentle winds, seek not my heart,
For simply ... it has torn apart.

learn to be lonely

Child of the wilderness

Born into emptiness

Learn to be lonely

Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you

Comfort and care for you

Learn to be lonely

Learn to be your one companion

Ever dreamed that out in the world

There are arms to hold you?

You've always known

Your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness

Child of the wilderness

Learn to be lonely

Learn how to love life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely

life can be lived

life can be loved

Alone.

saperlah aku

"paku dalam saku

paku datang dari seberang

aku adalah aku

aku hilang dalam terang"

a very interesting poem given to me by a friend.
we often hear this rhetoric being posed, "saperlah aku?"
and people get irritated by it, especially when it is used to garner pity.

i use it too for the same reasons.

but some other people use it to highlight their condition of always being abused and mistreated.
and i get very sad when they say it to me. cos i have nothing to say back to them.

left helpless.

galactica

this camp was held over 3 days @ ECP and Changi...
and despite the odds of planning, and how unready we were at the beginning, the camp turned out very well, and i believe beyond the expectations of many of us.

and at this camp, i realised the importance of always remembering the true intention of helping out at any activity. bro zul said to us at the very beginning - that we needed to purify our intentions, else all our efforts would go to moot. for me, it went further than that: it was almost a psychological issue. if i had not kept myself sane and grounded, knowing that i needed to do it for the kids, rather than for the adults, i don't think that i could have lasted. i told myself that this camp was for the benefit of the children, and not for the sake of proving the abilities of any one person... and it was only through repeatedly telling myself this, that i could bring myself to last the three days... that was how tiring and stressful being involved was.

but it all turned out good, and i am glad to have been a part of it anyways.
i just pray that people learn and see things differently now that the camp has ended, and that everyone becomes a better person having gone through this challenge.

hatchday

i used to think that my birthday was something special.
but it seemed as though it was not.
but its ok.

simply put, the ones who cared showed that they cared.
the ones who did not, well, did not.

the contradictions that run in my head are most irritating.
to love or not to love... soalan cepu mas.

tioman

immediately home from ledang, i had to pack for my next trip out to tioman. believe it or not, i only had 3 hours of sleep before i had to leave the house again.

but it was good of course. everything went very smoothly during our departure, and in no time, we reached tioman.

tioman, is almost paradise on earth.

to me, it was a wonderful sabbatical to have been taken. i really did not think of anything else while i was there. it was just the island, my friends and me. of course it helped that i did not need to think of any money issues while i was there, seeing that they (my friends) were covering my expenses for the while...

we had a great time swimming and splashing around in the beach just outside our chalet, chatting up the locals and expats who were holidaying there as well, gossiping and sharing our secrets (hehehe!), snorkelling (which is really tremendously fun and scary at the same time), and stuffing our faces full of anything that whets our appetite... it was really a no holds barred getaway, and i think that is what really made the difference for me... just 4 guys and everything to do!

haha, i miss tioman already.
next stop will be redang or bali.

or hell, let's take the diving course shall we??

ledang

from the 10-13, i went to climb the legendary mt ophir with my ntu friends. it was a most fulfilling and enriching trip for me. i went as a facilitator to a group of youths-at-risk, in the hope that the companionship that i could provide would somehow leave a mark, however small. although that was the official capacity of my expedition, i found myself making it a matter of personal achievement. mt ophir is after all, the sixth most challenging mountain terrain in the whole of malaysia, and to reach the peak is something to be proud of. although my ascent was not absolutely trouble free (what not with the cramps, and the heavy bags, of which i had to be relieved of before i could continue my climb), i have to say that i managed to feel exhilarated once i conquered the summit. another incident which happened tested my mettle to take responsibility and use my medical knowledge to manage a casualty, which i think i did ok, alhamdulillah.

but as always, its the people whom i am serving that i should be most worried about. i am glad to say that despite being in the most rowdy, loud, obnoxious, insane team ever of boys, we managed to hit it off, and we managed to hit it off good. there was a good rapport, which became something more at the end. and i know that as how i felt it, the boys felt it too. and it was something good.

so that is ledang in a breath - sigh.

we are just humans.

"God does not burden any human being with more than he is well able to bear"

I feel that this ayah is one that indicates how strong God has created Man, in terms of his resilience and his ability to overcome adversity. It is not a statement of an end, but a statement of process and development. Through the tests and trials that He wills upon us, our faith and our principles are given the necessary fortifications, and our belief is bolstered. It is important to always view these trials that come upon us with a greater perspective than our own immediate environment, otherwise, we may be in danger of losing our hope. Remaining positive, and remembering that God is Kind and Merciful towards His creation always, helps a great deal in moving us on from our worries.

The gravity of the problems that afflict us are usually in proportion to the amount of faith that we have. And conversely, it is the amount of faith that we have that allows us to see the magnitude of the problems. I feel that this is already a mercy that is granted to us.

At the end of it, we are just what we are: humans.
And not all power is in our hands. We can only do what we can, and hope that He is happy with our efforts.

Wallahu 'alam bissawab.

envisage, onwards, prosper!

had a very interesting seminar for youths and volunteerism.
congratulations to the ntu team for clinching the most creative team award. most deservingly i must say.

went on to darul makmur for the youth carnival. met up with dearest juniors, fauzy, abu sufian, hakim and azrul. was another successful event i must say. enjoyed myself thoroughly.

both the events were featured on tv. hehz.
it puts a smile on my face thinking about it.
hehz.

of friends

many things have happened.
to my circles, another set has been added, courtesy of the sri lanka expedition.
really good, fun-loving people. replete with the emotional attachments.

of the old, many have been renewed and revisited. for that i am truly thankful and happy.

i met with big groups of each circle very very recently. and hence i feel fulfilled.
my dears, my lovers, my babies, my brothers and sisters - all of them taking their own space in my heart.

how can i not feel full?

this june

busy as a bee.
flitting all over to learn and serve.
i just hope that i will be happy at the end of it.

dr t is back from kuantan. finally.

can't wait for everything to be over.
when i can breathe freely again.

results

woke at 6 in the morning, and looked at an sms i had just received.
3 As, 1 B+, 3 Bs.
i can smile.

and to a dear friend:
congratulations as well. this bestowment upon you is an accolade that you truly deserve. revel in it diva.

after the exams...

i went to sri lanka for a two-week stint in humanitarian operations, serving the tsunami-devastated town of hambantota. all negative experiences aside (including being stranded for 2 days in colombo with a fellow expeditioner), it was truly heart-warming being able to see the resilience of the human spirit first hand. six months post tragedy, the good citizens were already picking up the pieces of their lives, as best as they could. the children were, by God's grace, not as adversely affected as they were made out to be, so we had a pretty easy time with them. the call to not be emotionally attached was, of course, difficult to comply with and in the end, disregarded. the children were much too adorable to remained detached. and the people were friendly and appreciative of what we were doing for them.

i got the opportunity to appreciate nature at one of her most powerful moments. standing on a rock formation, eroded by the powerful waves of the indian ocean, and staring out into the vastness of the sea and the expanse of the sky - simply breathtaking. no words can adequately describe the memory and flurry of emotions that accompanies this experience.

sri lanka left me humbled and truly thankful for what i have taken for granted. my love be with those who touched me there, and my prayers are with them always.

clearing the air

the hiatus from march to may has been one of necessity.
examinations were just around the corner, and i felt that i needed to focus my energies on what was more importantly at hand.

so i abstained from blogging.

and it has paid off.

my first year results in OT are something that i can be very proud of.
and indeed i am.

this first year in OT has been most exciting and exhilarating, and i have seen tremendous development and growth in myself.

again, looking back, a choice well made.

more to come.

it's been a while...

it's been close to 3 months since i last wrote.
and in these 3 months, many things have taken place.
and some things have yet to.

in time, surely i will write of it.

but for now, welcome back.