happy today

many things happened.
and i don't really know why.
maybe you read my blog is it?

but in any case.

i am very happy today.
and i feel... loved.

and i thank you.

i know...

that i am getting irritating to some people.
and i apologise if somehow i have offended any of you.

but today i also sensed a change.
and i wonder... am i really that loathsome?

why did you agree to give me what i had asked for?
if i ask for it again, will i get it?
or have things changed so much, that i am no longer that important or needed?

was it because then, it was the probability of not meeting again?
or was that something that you do with all new relationships in order to "ensnare"?
because, truly, i thought that i had a special place.

but i guess not, right?

so the relationship is burning out. i am not imagining it.

yang lebih mulia

tetapi, di dalam bidang Sufi, sesungguhnya, seseorang yang dipergunakan itu lebih mulia daripada orang yang menggunakan. kerana orang yang dipergunakan memenuhi keperluan orang yang lain daripada dirinya, sementara orang yang menggunakan, memenuhi keperluan dirinya sendiri.

ditukil cerita Sufi agung, Abu Yazid Al-Bistami (q)...

Abu Yazid dalam kezuhudan perjalanan keruhaniannya telah diperintahkan untuk menjadi umpama bekas dimana segala keperluan warga desanya dipikulnya sendiri demi mencari keredhaan Allah. Begitu berat beban yang ditanggungnya, hingga pada suatu hari dia pun rebah akibat keletihan jasmani dan batini. warga desanya pun menghumbankannya di himpunan sampah, kerana dianggap sudah tidak bernyawa lagi. Mereka tidak kisah untuk menguruskannya atau menjaganya, meskipun Abu Yazid telah berkhidmat sepenuh hatinya untuk mereka.

Walhal, Allah Maha Pemurah, dan disebabkan kemurahan hati Abu Yazid dan kerelaannya untuk berkhidmat kepada orang ramai demi Allah, maka dia diberikan kedudukan yang cukup mulia dan istimewa disisi Allah.

khidmat yang ikhlas demi keperluan yang lain dari kita, dan diniatkan kepada Allah - cara yang baik untuk meniti jalan menuju ma'rifatullah.

moga aku diberikan kesabaran dan keikhlasan serupa dengan Abu Yazid (q) dalam aku meniti hidupku ini, lebih-lebih lagi di masa aku memberi khidmat kepada yang lain.

sebagai insan biasa

sebagai manusia, memang menjadi lumrah dalam perhubungan dua-hala, di mana kadangkala, kita dipergunakan, dan kadangkala, kita menggunakan. tetapi tidak semua yang rela dipergunakan, walaupun lazimnya, ramai yang lebih selesa menggunakan. pada amnya, kita tidak begitu menitik-beratkan sama ada kita memegang watak sebagai pengguna, atau yang diguna, lebih-lebih lagi jika perhubungan itu perhubungan yang kita anggap berharga. malah disebabkan tingginya nilai yang kita padankan dengan perhubungan itu, kita mungkin lebih rela untuk dipergunakan.

tetapi setiap orang mempunyai tahap ketegaan yang tertentu. dan mungkin ada masa-masa di mana seseorang menghadapi tekanan akibat memegang watak yang diguna. dan ini mungkin menyebabkan tergugatnya keseimbangan perhubungan itu.

mujur, kesudahan seperti ini dapat dielakkan dengan mudah sekali - memberi penghargaan melalui gaya dan tingkah, serta ucapan yang menggembirakan. walaupun orang yang diguna mungkin tidak memerlukannya, ini adalah salah sebuah adab perhubungan yang amat digalakkan, kerana ia menjamin kebahagiaan di antara semua pihak, dan kerelaan dalam pemberian.

khas buat cik betty

kindly perform these exercises, while practicing good breathing.

before you move into the pose, take a deep breath.

then as you move into the different postures, breath out.

when you assume the final posture, breath in and out, and hold the pose for 10-15 seconds each time.

other things you can do, get proper back support for when you are sitting, and lying down. may want to consider getting a lumbar belt to help support.

Images excerpted from

http://www.yogacards.com/images-4/asana-card1-L.jpg

http://www.yogacards.com/images-4/asana-card2-L.jpg

the urge to study

never thought that the want to get my degree would be so strong.

my educational aims changed drastically the past few months.

first, i thought that getting the degree was not so important.
hence i was aiming to gain my 2 years of working experience, and then go straight for the master-level degree.

and i was also aiming to complete my doctoral thesis in the field.

and then i was advised to get my basic degree, and then consider taking a masters in a related field, so that my portfolio would be more diverse, and that my value would increase not only in OT, but also in other health-related industries.

these would of course have to be done overseas.

and then the local off shore programme came up, providing a possible cheap avenue to get my degree - but we were advised not to jump onto the boat too soon. so i held back.

and suddenly, a new call came, citing possible certification processes in the near future that may require us all to have degrees to be able to practice in the country. and the whole dilemma starts again.

if i had to spend money, i want to make sure that its money well-spent. although there are many programmes, the choices available to us currently don't quite appeal to me... so i am still more keen to wait for better options...

but a degree's a degree. the money comes back after the degree is obtained. if there is no other value, then i must seriously consider the fact that a degree holder earns roughly $1k more than me. and frankly, that IS enough value. sigh.

and today i just got to know of a programme that may offer something even more, a degree with honours, and a double major deal. i have written in, and i hope that it comes back favourably.

and then the other problem comes, about the other classes which i have already signed up to take with friends. duniawi dikejarkan, ukhrawi ke mana?

i just hope that the right decisions are made.

as i lie awake.

In the still of the night…

Trembled the solitary soul
Hollowed by the experiences he has had to face
In this journey called life
Never once expecting what was to come, or
Knowing how things will turn out…

Weeping quietly,
Eternal tears.

Arraigned in robes of broken hopes
Rekindled, only to be
Extinguished, once more, and once again

For whom does he yearn,
A friend who takes him for who he is?
Loving in spite of flaws,
Listening to what is not said,
Instinctive and intuitive,
Not ever, ever taking him for granted
Graced by perfect manners, and guided.

Although, such is but a fantasy
Pierced by the harsh reality that is human
And what is human is never perfect
Ragged and rough, the edges of being…
That leaves the soul but shreds of… dreams, unachievable.

afterthoughts

did not go as well as i expected.
messy.
disjointed.
many things with loose ends untied.

Zmw gl hlnv vcgvmg rg uvvoh orpv kvlkov ziv mlg hvirlfh zylfg rg - vrgsvi gszg gsvb ziv xlmurwvmg gszg gsrmth droo gfim lfg dvoo, li gsvb ziv qfhg kozrm rmvckvirvmxvw. Yfg R hszoo hgroo slow nb glmtfv, yvxzfhv R szev gl. Qfhg wl dszg R szev gl wl gl gsv yvhg R xzm, zmw xlmgiryfgv dszg R xzm. 'Xlh ivzoob gszg rh zoo gszg R xzm wl.

incoherent?
i know. i feel just as messed up inside.
dunno what to feel, or what to think anymore.

bye bye to these people

farewell was due last week. but here goes anyways.

abdullah left for canada, moussa left for france, and nu'man left for hajj.

astaudi'ukumullaha dinakum, wa amanatakum, wa khawatimu 'amalakum.

fi amanillah ikhwani, wa ilal liqa'.

the art of restraint

It really is easy to get yourself all worked up.
And while there are sometimes legitimate causes to it, the degree of the response can be overwrought.

And the ego pushes you to build upon that response, inciting it with more and more negative energy, until you become blinded to the fact that it is really not a big deal.

Which is why the art of self-restraint is so necessary.

It was so hard holding my tongue just now, because I was so annoyed.
And it was hard not saying what I really felt like saying. Literally fighting with my self to shut up, even though I was straining inside to bring up the issue just because I wanted to be sarcastic.

Look at that, I just wanted to be able to express my sarcasm. And I had to fight to shut up.

"A servant unthinkingly says something pleasing to Allah Most High for which Allah raises him whole degrees. And a servant unthinkingly says something detested by Allah Most High for which he plunges into hell."

Astaghfirullah.

I think I have caused others enough pain with what I say.

I will be held accountable for what I do.

I better start being more aware, and to restrain myself.

May Allah grant me mercy.