near detonation

subhanallah.

its all i can say.

really. i am close to it.

just hope my brains dont suddenly squeal in protest and start oozing out my ears.

almost hypertensive

bad bad headache.

from all the thinking and reading and analysing and organising and reorganising.

i can feel my pulse drumming the sides of my head.
i think even my brain is rebelling against this torture.
i do not know how long my heart can take it.

its official you know. everyone is clearly feeling the tension in the environment, from the expectations that have been placed upon our shoulders. everyone acknowledges the need to perform and perform well. and everyone knows how important it is to maintain our standards, and improve even further.

dun crack, please.
its hard, damned hard, but dun crack please.

"today i dream, of friends i had before, what's become of them, the ones who called dun call anymore..." - Seal, Don't Cry

i wish...

i wish people were not so sad.
i wish people smiled a bit more.
i wish people could hear what resounds in another's heart.
i wish people took care of others, as much as they take care of themselves.
i wish people cared for themselves, as much as they care for others.

i wish people see what others see and feel what others feel.

i wish i can give more to you, as i really want to.
i wish i have more to give to you, as you really deserve.
i wish i can make you happy everyday, as you make me, even in the smallest way.
i wish a part of me can be with you, as you find your way.

i wish me you and you and you.
and i hope you wish you me, through and through.

obituary

azmi's father passed away today. please gift a fatihah for him.

may his soul be placed among those who are righteous and believers, and be blessed by the Merciful.

Amin.

potentiates

the young ones have a lot of potential in them.

i hope they find their own styles and use it to the best of their abilities. the meeting went along well, and i hope that that which was shared will be remembered. technicalities aside, everyone needs to understand what they will go through and what has to be done. although i cannot say that i was exemplary when it was my turn, i just hoped that they will understand us and understand what needed to be heard.

i do not see a clear path - in fact the mix of people who will be working together is very unpredictable. they will most definitely face conflict and obstacles. i pray that they are wise enough to rise above it, and settle amicably. it seems to me that we cannot place enough emphasis on the importance of communications. we kept on going back to that point. and i believe that this is something that EVERYONE should remember, no matter where we are now.

that aside, it would be most interesting to see how the FOC will turn out. and how i would love to be able to experience it for myself. just sad that perhaps i may not be able to, due to academic commitments. let's just pray for the best.

my skin tingles at the possibilities of the powers of these potentiates. woo hoo.

and fellow venatorians, lets see if they can one-up us.
and i love you peeps. king, advisor, ministers, one and all.

*bows*

clinical

with a lot of trepidation, i entered the rehabilitation centre. my companion and i expressed our fears and worries to each other. it was, after all, utterly new and alien to us. but fears and worries gave way to compassion, trust, and comfort...

which eventually led to a sense of fulfilment like no other.

again, the smiles, the laughter, the holding of hands, the embraces... the sheer innocence and naivette of young minds, was most refreshing, and most touching.

as sung by one, in a quiet voice, "que sera sera, whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours to see, que sera sera, what will be, will be..." i almost cried at the absolute aptness of that song.

endearing souls, not knowing, but forever living in their own worlds.
worlds without troubles. just peace.

visit to ntu

its funny how some unintended things, become such a source of happiness.

went to ntu, to take rezuan's form, and to pass zul his anat and physio book.
wanted to meet shikin along the way.

before that, on the bus, i met lieja, and then at the canteen, zaki and mr kamal, rizal and raihan.

i went to pray asar, and met hakim. who decided to accompany me a while, waiting for shikin.

then suddenly raymond came. then abu. then tze ying. then my sister's friend. then zul. then nokman. then saifuddin. then shikin and mazlinah.

then went to canteen again. then met nasir and ira. then rezuan and abu. then first semester ntu friend.

then went to maghrib, where i heard that wonderful recitation again.

then went to break fast at jp with rezuan and abu. got teased like dunno what. but if it makes them smile and laugh, i gladly go through it again.

see. unintended to meet all of them. yet by His Grace, i met all of them and more.

comfort in a dream

i found myself walking along a familiar path, a path i knew led me to school. the sky was ambiguous, in a shade of dusk and dawn. somehow i was dressed in another uniform but there was this feeling that i was not in the right place.

yet i walked on ahead, through the gates.

and saw the children, sitting down, running around.

i sat down beside a boy, no more than eight years of age, quiet in his own contemplation. his sister, a year older, was beside him, looking at him.

and we began a conversation, his quiescence against my speech.

"but you are special," i said to him. "you are not her, not him, nor him, nor him." i pointed to his sister, who began to smile gently and then to the other children running around. "everyone is different, and that is why everyone is special. but you are the most special one."

his sister smiled at me. and i continued a coversation that i cannot recall.

as i then stood up to leave at the end, the boy looked at me, tears in his eyes, and embraced me with a strength that belied his slight frame.

"thank you," he said. "may that which you work for, come true."

i woke up in wonder at the meaning of that dream. yet, i am surprisingly calm, and at peace. and there was such an overwhelming sense of comfort that i got from the last words i remembered.

in a very unexplainable way, i felt blessed.

quarter centenary...this boy...

happy 25th dearest razak...
may graces and beauty embrace you...
and His Mercy be upon you...
Smile always, and may your dreams... enter reality...

what's the point?

how would you feel, if you found out that all your years of education came to moot?

that the very point of you seeking that knowledge - to serve people... more importantly, to improve your family's well-being, either through direct application of that knowledge, or indirectly through the financial input or pride - is like dust that is blown around in the wind... insignificant, and of not much use?

i have been put to face this situation.

personally, it irks me. it disappoints me. it kills me.

that i, my knowledge, my purpose, is of no consequence to the ones i love the most.
that i will not be able to help, despite trying so hard.

what's the point...?

addendum

i just realised the use of colours in my blogging.

wow. how very unadventurous i was.

but no more.

wakakakakkakaka.

the mad rush of school

its the second week of school.

just.

and yet i am already feeling the pressure of the projects and assignments that i need to complete, on top of facing clinical attachments for 10 weeks. to give you a low-down:

lifestyle and lifespan development (week 6)
- a comparative study of developmental differences in a 13 month old male and female child. (interviews, literature review, observations & assessments, integration)

occupational therapy theory and process (week 6)
- a complete case analysis and management of a post-suicide patient with multiple fractures, spinal trauma, and traumatic brain injury

communication (week ?)
- debate series

research methods (wk ?)
- formulating a questionnaire

clinical attachment (week 10)
- MINDS, clinical diaries, and reflective journal

SHS Club
- Valentine's Day Project Love-Sellers (Feb)
- Captain's Ball League (Feb)
- SHS Students' Conference (March)
- Graduates' Dinner and Dance (May)

NYP Pal
- NYP Open House (March)

and they were telling us, this semester has been cut short to accomodate the new student intake in april. therefore, we have lesser time for lessons. but check this out - THE SYLLABUS HAS NOT BEEN ADJUSTED. an originally 16-week curriculum has been cut to about 12 weeks. That is almost a whole month difference. Yet we are expected to take it all in our stride, being the A-level students that we are, and produce results all the same.

mad i tell you.

simply mad.

to those whom i yearn for...

there are a few individuals who move me enough to make me yearn for them...
their absence is dearly dearly felt...
to them, i pledge my everlasting devotion and love...

Pride can stand a thousand trials,
The strong will never fall.
But watching stars without you, my soul cries.
Heaving heart, it's full of pain.
Oh, oh, the aching.
cause I'm missing you. oh.
I'm missing you, oh.

Touch me deep, pure and true.
Give to me forever.
cause I'm missing you. oh.
I'm missing you.

Where are you now?
Where are you now?
cause I'm missing you.
I'm missing you. oh.

adapted from Des'ree - Kissing You

clearer view. pardon the blood. 

my teeth. all shattered up. 

my first time being operated upon

*heaves a breath*

Rites. I came to the clinic at 10.00am and registered myself. By 10.30am i was called inside, where they asked me to put on a set of scrubs. I met up with the dental surgeon, a dentist by the name of Dr Teh, who explained to me the procedures. She also explained the risks that I face, namely temporary or permanent loss of sensation/ numbness to the jaw and/or tongue due to nerve injuries.

I went into the OT, my heart was pee-pooring (as how Nura would describe it). I was unusually nervous, and i attributed it to the fact that this was the first major procedure that i was going under, and that it is the DENTIST.

I sat in the chair, and Dr Teh proceeded on to anaesthesize me. It was a LONG needle, and it stung like crap. And there she was jabbing into my gums and my buccal areas... until at last, I could not feel anything. But I remembered flinching at one part when she was numbing the left side of my mouth, something which had repercussions later.

The orderly prepped me. My eyes were shielded from the glare of the lights with a surgical cloth. Thankfully. They did not cover my ears with mufflers or anything, so I heard every single noise that was made when the surgery was carried out.

Firstly, the incision into the gum to reveal the impacted teeth. That was not so bad...because the scraping of the gum was totally painless and no force was required.

then came the insane drilling.

i could smell my teeth burning from the friction.
i could feel the drill pushing in and shattering my teeth.
i could imagine how bloody it was, cos i could taste my blood.

the drilling was the one thing that made that whole experience, absolutely frightening. the singularly most frightening experience of my life.
dentists seem to work very well with drills, and that classic stereotype of a dentist drilling into your mouth while you lie helpless on the chair, became a reality for me. take that for experience.

but this dentist had something more up her sleeve. she attempted to extract a tooth which may possibly require operation to remove properly. and she pulled like there was no tomorrow. and i'd rather had my head come off, than my tooth, because she pulled super super hard, and the damn tooth did not budge. and i was getting distressed under the sheets. and i could feel the pain, because like i said, i think the left side was a bit poorly anaesthesized due to my own fault. but fortunately, it came off not long after.

when they removed the mask from my eye, i visibly wiped away a tear or two, and i do not know whether it was from the pain, or from the relief of the operation ending.

there you have it, a blow by blow account of my first major procedure.

*heaves another breath*

wisdom teeth extraction

going for it later today. minor op. forgive me if i have offended anyone. pray for me. will try to update with pictures.

i wonder

i wonder
if my way
leads me away
from you, everyday

i wonder
if my silence
amplifies the distance
that a step seems like oceans

i wonder
if my unsaid words
seem to accent the hurts
or do they go unnoticed like the hummingbird

i wonder
if i should go
would you even know
would your concern show

i wonder
if this fire dies
under the cold night sky
would its heat be sorely missed, or would you get by

i wonder
if my way
leads me away
from you, every moment, everyday

ERS

money come in, money go out.
bills fully paid.
loans still need to be serviced.
once again, bad with money.
'nuff said.

silencia et status quo

The precipitant for this entry is tied to my status as an alumnus of ntums. Although I have been counseled by some friends already and I am absolutely alright, it is just for the records that I am writing this, and to show that I have expressed my opinions on this issue before.

I find myself in a dilemma during and after events, when feedback is requested. And especially so when the people I am commenting on, are my peers and those I brought close to me. While on one side they need to hear what I have to say, on the other side, I don’t know what they have gone through to justify what I think how I think they should act. I based my comments on my own observations and on feedback made by others. But sometimes, as holistic as I wish to be and as unskewed as I want my comments to appear, my words still hurt those I never intended to. Because I am not in the fray of things. As it is, I am still technically an outsider, seeking the companionship of those whom I found most worthy. But my position puts me neither here nor there.

And I worry for the awkwardness that may arise from this ambiguity of who I am. Hence, the virtue of silence. Silence will keep me from being uncomfortable, and having the discomfort affect the working or personal relationships that I have already established. Of course, the silence has to be appropriately administered. But who is to control?

The reason perhaps I impose this, is because of the value of the friendships that I have with these people. Wrought of blessed intentions, and built upon by blessed deeds, I find myself tranquil when I work with them. And I don’t ever want to lose that feeling, and the love that I have for them is truly strong. We are exhorted to mix with good company, and with hose that enjoin goodness and bring us closer to the way of the Lord, and I will not deny, that I believe these are the people. Through them I have learnt many things. And I yearn to be with them sometimes, and I do reach out to them.

But they too have their own responsibilities and lives.
And I sometimes find myself reaching out to nothingness.

I am not ashamed to say, that I really love them. And that I fear, if the day comes that I drift apart from them. So recently, I asked a few of them, how long they saw me serving together with them? Indefinitely I was asking the state of things, and whether they saw me being around with them. The replies I got were varied, but most circled around me giving as much as I can and always being around whenever they needed me. And most importantly, they reminded me: that I am not serving anything else but His Purpose.

Which is true, I need to purify my intentions. The basis of the companionship was a gift from Him, and I should be thankful that I got to live the experience at all. Some people get by with less, and some people do not even have a group to properly call friends.

I just pray that with His Permission, these blessed friendships that I have will remain till the end.

NTU peeps reading this: Nizar sayang sekali.

Changing people

I was left reflecting on many things when the end of the year came around. One of these was the issue of people changing around you.

A friend of mine commented that she finds herself grappling when she tries to communicate with her friends. It is almost like there are two different worlds trying to assimilate into the conversation. My friend added that she feels like everyone else has matured, while she still remained the childish self that she was before.

I empathise with what she says. Again this situation rings true with me too. I too find myself struggling sometimes to speak the same language as my other peers. What seemed so easy to do before, now seems very, very alien. While I used to take pride in being a rather good communicator, I find that all that has changed.

Is it me, or is it the people around me?

We all live by our own principles, and our environments mould us to be the kind of people we are. The quake was a test of humanity in us, but I was appalled and greatly disappointed when the one person I thought would be the epitome of that humanity, declined to help out at an event. Yes of course, to each his own, and who am I to judge the hearts of others…but I was just hoping for more.

Hoping. Hoping means having Expectations. Having Expectations means having Standards to achieve. Having Standards that are high mean that some people cannot achieve these Standards, hence not fulfilling the Expectations and destroying Hope. Bringing about Sadness and possible falling out.

This issue of expecting certain things and behaviour from certain people, is what causes a great deal of conflict, among many of my friends and myself. I am trying my best to not expect, although you may say that it is only natural. But I wish to elevate whatever is it I have with other people, to a stage whereby it no longer matters what he or she does, as long as the conscience is clear. And that by just being, you derive satisfaction, which is more than enough.

Yet, I don’t know whether I will ever be able to.

I am trying. Really.

the quake that shook the world

I know I haven’t been updating a lot…because of my commitments and really hectic schedule…man, I even missed blogging throughout Christmas and the new year! But then, there is really nothing much to blog about, is there… there are much more important things happening that need the attention of the world.

An earthquake near Sumatra caused widespread damage, and claimed close to 200,000 lives when the consequent tsunamis devastated villages and destroyed entire tribes of people. God protect us from such calamities, and trying times.

This has to be the most frightful end of year event that I have ever experienced. To have such a terrible affliction come upon us, so close to where home is, and yet by the His Mercy, escape unscathed, is truly a reminder of how frail and helpless we are. It is also a reminder of our covenant with the Almighty, and that Man had better wake up, and realize how close he is to the end of times, and how necessary it is for him to return to his Lord, in humility and subservience. Indeed, Man has grown arrogant through the times, and forgets his duties and responsibilities to ensure the prosperity and harmony of Life. But we see Man taking lives, as if he were all-powerful; Man claiming victory over challenges he previously could not overcome; Man refusing to accept the proofs of the Creator; Man announcing his supremacy over all other beings; Man simply forgetting where he came from. The earthquake, to me, if anything, was a mere show of His Mercy – that while He could easily take everyone’s lives in the blink of an eye, He willed ONLY the earthquake and tsunamis, so that Man still has time to reflect and repent.

Masya Allah.

I was moved by the myriad footages that were shown over the media – of the waves rising onto the shore and inland, of the women and men crying over their lost ones, of the paths of destruction left behind by the waves, of the dead bodies being dumped in mass graves – the overwhelming sense of loss, grief and hopelessness. The humanity in me cried out for deliverance. And I needed to find an outlet to help those who needed it.

Alhamdulillah, with my NTUMS friends, I managed to help out at a collection centre for essentials items. Suffice to say, I did my part, however little it was. And it helped me move on from the grief that I felt.

I laud the efforts of those who continue helping to this day. May we all be judged kindly for our contributions.

And to everyone else, please do offer prayers for the lives lost, and pray for His Mercy upon our lands.