silencia et status quo

The precipitant for this entry is tied to my status as an alumnus of ntums. Although I have been counseled by some friends already and I am absolutely alright, it is just for the records that I am writing this, and to show that I have expressed my opinions on this issue before.

I find myself in a dilemma during and after events, when feedback is requested. And especially so when the people I am commenting on, are my peers and those I brought close to me. While on one side they need to hear what I have to say, on the other side, I don’t know what they have gone through to justify what I think how I think they should act. I based my comments on my own observations and on feedback made by others. But sometimes, as holistic as I wish to be and as unskewed as I want my comments to appear, my words still hurt those I never intended to. Because I am not in the fray of things. As it is, I am still technically an outsider, seeking the companionship of those whom I found most worthy. But my position puts me neither here nor there.

And I worry for the awkwardness that may arise from this ambiguity of who I am. Hence, the virtue of silence. Silence will keep me from being uncomfortable, and having the discomfort affect the working or personal relationships that I have already established. Of course, the silence has to be appropriately administered. But who is to control?

The reason perhaps I impose this, is because of the value of the friendships that I have with these people. Wrought of blessed intentions, and built upon by blessed deeds, I find myself tranquil when I work with them. And I don’t ever want to lose that feeling, and the love that I have for them is truly strong. We are exhorted to mix with good company, and with hose that enjoin goodness and bring us closer to the way of the Lord, and I will not deny, that I believe these are the people. Through them I have learnt many things. And I yearn to be with them sometimes, and I do reach out to them.

But they too have their own responsibilities and lives.
And I sometimes find myself reaching out to nothingness.

I am not ashamed to say, that I really love them. And that I fear, if the day comes that I drift apart from them. So recently, I asked a few of them, how long they saw me serving together with them? Indefinitely I was asking the state of things, and whether they saw me being around with them. The replies I got were varied, but most circled around me giving as much as I can and always being around whenever they needed me. And most importantly, they reminded me: that I am not serving anything else but His Purpose.

Which is true, I need to purify my intentions. The basis of the companionship was a gift from Him, and I should be thankful that I got to live the experience at all. Some people get by with less, and some people do not even have a group to properly call friends.

I just pray that with His Permission, these blessed friendships that I have will remain till the end.

NTU peeps reading this: Nizar sayang sekali.