incomplete by BSB

hehe... latest song philia...
dunno whats up with me and songs with nice piano beginnings...

Incomplete

Empty spaces fill me up with holes

Distant faces with no place left to go

Without you within me

I cant find no rest

Where Im going is anybodys guess

Ive tried to go on like I never knew you

Im awake but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

But without you all Im going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on

But I am swimming in an ocean all alone

Baby, my baby

Its written on your face

You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I dont mean to drag it on, but I cant seem to let you go

I dont wanna make you face this world alone

I wanna let you go

Backstreet Boys

if i fall in love...

taken from a dearest brother's blog...which he quoted from another blog. but i too feel that it is a necessary reminder for the whole lot of us, who often forget the true meaning of the word love, and the true intention of love, and to whom love should be directed to.


i am guilty of such trangressions.

"Ya Allah, jika aku jatuh cinta, cintakanlah aku pada seseorang yang melabuhkan cintanya padaMu agar bertambah kekuatanku untuk mencintaiMu. Jagalah cintaku padanya agar tidak melebihi cintaku padaMu.

Ya Allah, jika aku jatuh cinta, izinkanlah aku menyentuh hati seseorang yang hatinya bertaut padaMu agar aku tidak terjatuh ke dalam jurang cinta semu.

Ya Allah, jika aku jatuh cinta, jagalah hatiku padanya agar tidak berpaling dari hatiMu.

Ya Allah, jika aku rindu, jagalah rinduku padanya agar tidak lalai merindukan syurgaMu.

Ya Allah, jika kau halalkan aku merindu kekasihMu, jangan biarkan aku melampaui batas sehingga melupakan aku pada cinta hakiki dan rindu abadi hanya kepadaMu.

Ya Allah, engkau mengetahui bahawa hati-hati ini telah berhimpun dalam cinta padaMu, telah berjumpa dalam taat padaMu, telah bersatu dalam dakwah padaMu. Telah berpadu dalam membela syariatMu. Kukuhkanlah ikatannya, ya Allah. Kekalkanlah cintanya, tunjukilah jalan-jalannya. Penuhilah hati-hati ini dengan nurMu yang tiada pernah pudar. Lapangkanlah dada-dada kami dengan limpahan keimanan kepadaMu dan keindahan bertawakal di jalanMu."

whats with the hiatus again?

as many of you may ask... haha...


well, its just the school heebie-jeebies all over again... lessons are getting along fine, apart from the fact that they begin early and end late... to the point that we come to school before dawn and leave school after dusk! ok i am exaggerating here... but the point is that time has really been very squished and it is rather difficult to squeeze in other things into the already packed schedule that i have.


that's my main complaint for the past weeks.


so now here are the updates!


ever since the last entry, of course many things have happened... DUH!
more important stuff to me are:


1) i have been elected president of the SHS Club, a branch of the SU. and with it comes the whole chore of running a committee... and having to initiate plans so that the club and the management committee can grow... so thats quite a headache actually. but i will do my best. i actually got quite a hyped-up committee, and we just hope that our choices work out to the best.


2) i did NOT get the goh chok tong promise youth award, which is a scholarship for non-traditional areas of interests and study. according to a minister i spoke to, there were 52 competitors for the award, and i was ousted. well. you get some, you lose some. but damn, i need to seriously ask for a sponsorship.


3) NTUMS has already decided on the 19th exco, and i am proud to say that some of my dearest friends have been given the mandate to lead this year round. i wish them the best of times, and pray that all will be well.


4) NYPMS is also being set up, and i have been in constant liaison with the relevant people to try to consolidate efforts in this matter. pray for me in this matter.


5) i want to go to aceh end of this year, to help out the darussalam youths under whom this project is drafted. but attachments are in that period as well, so it may be difficult to do so. unless of course i ask the clinical coordinator to modify my schedule. hmm... but i will miss a few people's birthdays... those whom i love too. compromise compromise...


6) finally realising the need to lose some weight, and taking more definite steps to it. am going for more active activities at least twice a week, which includes swimming, and brisk walking... and as rejab, syaaban and ramadhan are already right at our doorstep, the fasting should also complement my efforts. i hope to lose at least 20kg by end of the year.


7) studiotraffic, my internet income generator, is finally paying off. i got my first cheque for USD 40 in july, and hope to see the money grow even more in the times to come.


8) i love you all very much. and i miss you very much.


there...done!

Dedication to a dear, dear brother

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed


I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance


I hope you dance, I hope you dance


I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making


Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...


I hope you dance (Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance (Rolling us along)
I hope you dance (Tell me who)
I hope you dance (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder where those years have gone)


I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance


Dance


Lee Ann Womack - Dance

i think the song aptly covers some of the things discussed, but at the same time, it summarises quite a bit of my hopes for you. if anything, remember this song from me to you.

ledang gathering & praesentia retreat

last saturday was a packed day for me...though one which was most enjoyable.
in the morning i made my way to mendaki for a gathering with the ledang peeps...
of which i was made in charge of photographs... i had to develop over 100 photos... and make a frame as a gift to mendaki... haha... it was kinda fun working through the photos and calling people up... somewhat made me feel useful... but i hated the fact that i could not stay long enough to play along with my kids... sani, sha, rahim, wan, wan galah, rino, ariff, hafiz, hariz... almost all came down... sigh... i miss them lots... but i managed to give aliff a call to speak to the kids... and relayed my apologies to them... so it was sorta alrite...


anyways, the reason i could not be with the kids, was because i was with another set of equally wonderful people... the praesentia peeps! haha... the seniors decided to have a show of appreciation for the juniors who managed to rise above the challenge to put up a great FOC... hence we designed the whole afternoon and evening around celebrating their efforts...


it began with asar at ghufran, after which they were presented with their special personalised items, and made to reflect on them. we sent them on a photo hunt of utterly ridiculous things around tampines. then they went to macdonalds to buy ice-cream back to ghufran, and were just in time for a short break and maghrib. after that, they were made to look for the restaurant which we were going to treat them at. meanwhiles, we set up the tables at istanbul restaurant, to make it look as if some big shots were coming... even the owner of the restaurant was asking who we were receiving at the restaurant... as soon as the kids arrived, we ushered them to their seats which were already labelled, and served them their drinks... and immediately after, the food was served. food was really filling, what not, with sweet and sour garoupa, fried baby squids, kangkong belacan, lemon chicken and vegetable soup. haha. there was even desert (fruit cocktail with jelly) to wash it all down. we had certificates presentation along the way, and quiz to award them with more titbits... and those dears, they gave US tokens of appreciations too!! which they painstakingly did up the day before... sweet rite? haha... me abu and shikin agree that it was a day most well spent and thought off...

yah... weekend update over!

hehe...

so so...what is it that i wanted to say?

erm. yah. so i been a naughty boy. and a really bad bad one at that.
so i got a scolding. and i repent from my idiocy.


i mustered the courage.
and apologised.
and made amends.


i hope that we are ok now.
and i pray that we do not go through that EVER again.


i already deleted the entries. (no i hid it away somewhere actually... my "diary")
and i thank you for being more magnanimous than you think you are.


and for finding it in you to forgive me.

lecture series by Prof Khaled Abou Fadl

had the opportunity to attend two talks by the above prof from the u.s., courtesy of dearest uan's invitations... and i did not regret attending them at all... the discourses meant a lot to me, as a social person, as a muslim both from a community point of view and a personal perspective.


the first lecture at hdb hub, was on the legitimacy of someone who claims to be speaking on God's behalf. the summary of what i got from the lecture was that everyone can speak out on his or her opinion, provided that the opinion is justified objectively (by the Quran and the Sunnah, and the exegesis of the scholars) and that all the evidence that exists to prove that opinion, is available to one and all. but no one can truly say that he speaks on God's behalf, for so Great is the He, that no one creation could possibly conceive His Divine Will. it is exactly for that reason that differences in opinions and diversity are allowed in Islam, and in fact therein lies the secret in the ayah of God, "Oh Mankind! We have created you from a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know (understand) one another." (Hujurat:13)


we were created to begin to get to know each other and celebrate, rather than eradicate, differences and diversity. each of the scholars may represent a certain perspective and hence hikmah to an issue, all of which are Mercies of the Divine Will. the creation of diversity is quite intentional, due to the knowledge that as humans, we would give different emphasis on different pieces of evidence and events. that was a truly beautiful thing to have learnt.


the other thing that i took back personally was the matter of the crisis that afflicts muslims nowadays. indeed, many people are rather free with their religious opinions and their own interpretations of matters - myself not exempt. the fear of speaking on issues of fiqh and fatwa has diminished greatly as compared to the past. prof reminded us of the past eras, where the Prophet's (pbuh) companions themselves were afraid of being held accountable in the Hereafter, for having possibly said something which is not right, even though they may have heard it from the Prophet himself. they would refer and re-refer, because no one could bear the weight and responsibility of speaking on God's and the Prophet's behalf. such is the level of humility and fear that they had. what of us? it truly set me thinking...


the second lecture was entitled, "the good, the bad and the ugly: seeking beauty in Islam". this lecture was taken quite personally by me. in it, prof discussed several moral characteristics and traits that describe and define the good from the bad, and the beautiful from the ugly. just to share, some of the traits that may group a person as being good include - to connect between people and to heal rifts, to forgive others, to practice humility and restraint, to control one's anger and hurt, to avoid friction and pick fights, to restrain against following one's whims and fancies. qualities that may categorise a person as bad - twisting the truth, listening in when one has no business, being harsh, calling other people names.


and i realised that for the good part, i am not there. and for the bad part, i am so there. i took the lecture as an admonishment to my own nafs. and i thought a great deal about what has happened lately around and about me. and it actually made me depressed, my own self-inspection. so, I decided to make some changes to my attitude, that i can at least take on some traits of mahmudah, and clear some mazmumah. i will detail some of the steps in the following blog.


yah.

berhenti berharap

Berhenti Berharap - Sheila on 7

aku tak percaya lagi

dengan apa yang kau beri

aku terdampar di sini

tersudut menunggu mati

aku tak percaya lagi

akan guna matahari

dengan mampu menerangi

sudut gelap hati ini

aku berhenti berharap

dan menunggu datang gelap

sampai nanti suatu saat

tak ada cinta kudapat

kenapa ada derita

bila bahagia tercipta

kenapa ada sang hitam

bila putih menyenangkan...

aku pulang...

tanpa dendam

kuterima.. kekalahanku

aku pulang...tanpa dendam

kusalutkan.. kemenanganmu

kau ajarkan aku bahagia

kau ajarkan aku derita

kau tunjukkan aku bahagia

kau tunjukkan aku derita

kau berikan aku bahagia

kau berikan aku derita

missing you

i suck at this.
but yah. i somehow do.

what we cannot escape from

it is inevitable that in the course of working together, there are some instances where we unintentionally misrepresent ourselves and our perspectives. this can be due to a lack of understanding between parties, stress and fatigue, a personal sense of inefficacy and incompetency and a lack of communal focus among the team members. here is where communication and support by the different parties involved are highly needed. without this communication, and attempting to clear up the air, we find that the situation takes a spiral turn downwards, and the dynamics of the team disintegrates.

there is only so much that we can do to help in such situations, and at the end of it, it all boils down to whether the team perceives what the problem truly is, and makes their own move to curb it before it affects them further.

i really hope that despite the fact that this issue is something we cannot run away from, at the very least, we have managed to lessen the negative impact upon the success of the event, while at the same time, from a positive aspect, improve the ukhuwwah between them and show them the need for communication and a constant retuning of their foci.

its all in the hand of God now.

the passing of a friend's father...

for all those who know adlin, her dad passed away this morning.
please gift a prayer and fatihah for his soul.

in retrospect, as i walked alone, i thought about how trivial certain things are when compared to death. how insignificant some of the things that are currently happening to me, and how i am handling them. it really brought home a point, of the frailty of life and of its temporality. i cried silently thinking about how we make unimportant things priorities in life, and forget its true purpose. sigh.

i guess even those who are still around need praying for.

end this

our stubbornness brought us both to this place. but i know neither of us will give in. i cannot see you anymore, nor hear of you, nor speak of you, nor think of you. my pain deepens everytime i do. in all equality, i shall not speak unkindly. but the disrespect towards me was more than i could bear. and like it or not, i cannot be that which i want to be - as how you cannot be what you want to be. so we are the same. and yet, while i erred on the side of emotiveness, you erred on the side of indifference. my hate erodes away at my hold on what i had once thought special and treasured. nothing binds us to each other now. not the past, not the present, nor the future.

empty. i see a void that will not be filled ever.

seek not my heart

Seek Not My Heart
by Kit McCallum

Oh gentle winds 'neath moonlit skies,
Do not you hear my heartfelt cries?
Below the branches, here about,
Do not you sense my fear and doubt?
'Side glistening rivers, sparkling streams,
Do not you hear my woeful screams?
Upon the meadows, touched with dew,
Do not you see my hearts a'skew?
Beneath the thousand twinkling stars,
Do not you feel my jagged scars?
Seek not my mournful heart kind breeze,
For you'll not find it 'mongst these trees.
It's scattered 'cross the moonlit skies,
Accompanied by heartfelt sighs.
It's drifting o'er the gentle rain,
A symbol of my silent pain.
It's buried 'neath the meadow fair,
Conjoined with all the sorrow there.
It's lost among the stars this night,
Too far to ease my quiet fright.
No, gentle winds, seek not my heart,
For simply ... it has torn apart.

learn to be lonely

Child of the wilderness

Born into emptiness

Learn to be lonely

Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you

Comfort and care for you

Learn to be lonely

Learn to be your one companion

Ever dreamed that out in the world

There are arms to hold you?

You've always known

Your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness

Child of the wilderness

Learn to be lonely

Learn how to love life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely

life can be lived

life can be loved

Alone.

saperlah aku

"paku dalam saku

paku datang dari seberang

aku adalah aku

aku hilang dalam terang"

a very interesting poem given to me by a friend.
we often hear this rhetoric being posed, "saperlah aku?"
and people get irritated by it, especially when it is used to garner pity.

i use it too for the same reasons.

but some other people use it to highlight their condition of always being abused and mistreated.
and i get very sad when they say it to me. cos i have nothing to say back to them.

left helpless.

galactica

this camp was held over 3 days @ ECP and Changi...
and despite the odds of planning, and how unready we were at the beginning, the camp turned out very well, and i believe beyond the expectations of many of us.

and at this camp, i realised the importance of always remembering the true intention of helping out at any activity. bro zul said to us at the very beginning - that we needed to purify our intentions, else all our efforts would go to moot. for me, it went further than that: it was almost a psychological issue. if i had not kept myself sane and grounded, knowing that i needed to do it for the kids, rather than for the adults, i don't think that i could have lasted. i told myself that this camp was for the benefit of the children, and not for the sake of proving the abilities of any one person... and it was only through repeatedly telling myself this, that i could bring myself to last the three days... that was how tiring and stressful being involved was.

but it all turned out good, and i am glad to have been a part of it anyways.
i just pray that people learn and see things differently now that the camp has ended, and that everyone becomes a better person having gone through this challenge.

hatchday

i used to think that my birthday was something special.
but it seemed as though it was not.
but its ok.

simply put, the ones who cared showed that they cared.
the ones who did not, well, did not.

the contradictions that run in my head are most irritating.
to love or not to love... soalan cepu mas.

tioman

immediately home from ledang, i had to pack for my next trip out to tioman. believe it or not, i only had 3 hours of sleep before i had to leave the house again.

but it was good of course. everything went very smoothly during our departure, and in no time, we reached tioman.

tioman, is almost paradise on earth.

to me, it was a wonderful sabbatical to have been taken. i really did not think of anything else while i was there. it was just the island, my friends and me. of course it helped that i did not need to think of any money issues while i was there, seeing that they (my friends) were covering my expenses for the while...

we had a great time swimming and splashing around in the beach just outside our chalet, chatting up the locals and expats who were holidaying there as well, gossiping and sharing our secrets (hehehe!), snorkelling (which is really tremendously fun and scary at the same time), and stuffing our faces full of anything that whets our appetite... it was really a no holds barred getaway, and i think that is what really made the difference for me... just 4 guys and everything to do!

haha, i miss tioman already.
next stop will be redang or bali.

or hell, let's take the diving course shall we??

ledang

from the 10-13, i went to climb the legendary mt ophir with my ntu friends. it was a most fulfilling and enriching trip for me. i went as a facilitator to a group of youths-at-risk, in the hope that the companionship that i could provide would somehow leave a mark, however small. although that was the official capacity of my expedition, i found myself making it a matter of personal achievement. mt ophir is after all, the sixth most challenging mountain terrain in the whole of malaysia, and to reach the peak is something to be proud of. although my ascent was not absolutely trouble free (what not with the cramps, and the heavy bags, of which i had to be relieved of before i could continue my climb), i have to say that i managed to feel exhilarated once i conquered the summit. another incident which happened tested my mettle to take responsibility and use my medical knowledge to manage a casualty, which i think i did ok, alhamdulillah.

but as always, its the people whom i am serving that i should be most worried about. i am glad to say that despite being in the most rowdy, loud, obnoxious, insane team ever of boys, we managed to hit it off, and we managed to hit it off good. there was a good rapport, which became something more at the end. and i know that as how i felt it, the boys felt it too. and it was something good.

so that is ledang in a breath - sigh.

we are just humans.

"God does not burden any human being with more than he is well able to bear"

I feel that this ayah is one that indicates how strong God has created Man, in terms of his resilience and his ability to overcome adversity. It is not a statement of an end, but a statement of process and development. Through the tests and trials that He wills upon us, our faith and our principles are given the necessary fortifications, and our belief is bolstered. It is important to always view these trials that come upon us with a greater perspective than our own immediate environment, otherwise, we may be in danger of losing our hope. Remaining positive, and remembering that God is Kind and Merciful towards His creation always, helps a great deal in moving us on from our worries.

The gravity of the problems that afflict us are usually in proportion to the amount of faith that we have. And conversely, it is the amount of faith that we have that allows us to see the magnitude of the problems. I feel that this is already a mercy that is granted to us.

At the end of it, we are just what we are: humans.
And not all power is in our hands. We can only do what we can, and hope that He is happy with our efforts.

Wallahu 'alam bissawab.

envisage, onwards, prosper!

had a very interesting seminar for youths and volunteerism.
congratulations to the ntu team for clinching the most creative team award. most deservingly i must say.

went on to darul makmur for the youth carnival. met up with dearest juniors, fauzy, abu sufian, hakim and azrul. was another successful event i must say. enjoyed myself thoroughly.

both the events were featured on tv. hehz.
it puts a smile on my face thinking about it.
hehz.

of friends

many things have happened.
to my circles, another set has been added, courtesy of the sri lanka expedition.
really good, fun-loving people. replete with the emotional attachments.

of the old, many have been renewed and revisited. for that i am truly thankful and happy.

i met with big groups of each circle very very recently. and hence i feel fulfilled.
my dears, my lovers, my babies, my brothers and sisters - all of them taking their own space in my heart.

how can i not feel full?

this june

busy as a bee.
flitting all over to learn and serve.
i just hope that i will be happy at the end of it.

dr t is back from kuantan. finally.

can't wait for everything to be over.
when i can breathe freely again.

results

woke at 6 in the morning, and looked at an sms i had just received.
3 As, 1 B+, 3 Bs.
i can smile.

and to a dear friend:
congratulations as well. this bestowment upon you is an accolade that you truly deserve. revel in it diva.

after the exams...

i went to sri lanka for a two-week stint in humanitarian operations, serving the tsunami-devastated town of hambantota. all negative experiences aside (including being stranded for 2 days in colombo with a fellow expeditioner), it was truly heart-warming being able to see the resilience of the human spirit first hand. six months post tragedy, the good citizens were already picking up the pieces of their lives, as best as they could. the children were, by God's grace, not as adversely affected as they were made out to be, so we had a pretty easy time with them. the call to not be emotionally attached was, of course, difficult to comply with and in the end, disregarded. the children were much too adorable to remained detached. and the people were friendly and appreciative of what we were doing for them.

i got the opportunity to appreciate nature at one of her most powerful moments. standing on a rock formation, eroded by the powerful waves of the indian ocean, and staring out into the vastness of the sea and the expanse of the sky - simply breathtaking. no words can adequately describe the memory and flurry of emotions that accompanies this experience.

sri lanka left me humbled and truly thankful for what i have taken for granted. my love be with those who touched me there, and my prayers are with them always.

clearing the air

the hiatus from march to may has been one of necessity.
examinations were just around the corner, and i felt that i needed to focus my energies on what was more importantly at hand.

so i abstained from blogging.

and it has paid off.

my first year results in OT are something that i can be very proud of.
and indeed i am.

this first year in OT has been most exciting and exhilarating, and i have seen tremendous development and growth in myself.

again, looking back, a choice well made.

more to come.

it's been a while...

it's been close to 3 months since i last wrote.
and in these 3 months, many things have taken place.
and some things have yet to.

in time, surely i will write of it.

but for now, welcome back.

it's coming part 2

to an end that is.

jaa.

misunderstood, but who cares right?

these days i find myself facing off tremendous pressure from all sides. needing to maintain my social roles as a friend and son, and at the same time fulfil my occupational roles as a student and committee member. however i find myself being misunderstood in all of these roles, that people cannot realise that i am trying my best to handle the multitude stresses that are on me, especially in this tumultuous time.

i am isolating myself from my friends.
i am not really functional as a son.
i am rather resigned and nonchalant about my committee.

i am focused on my exams.

to all those who think that i am being personal, or being a jerk, or being emotional...
whatever.

i did not have time, do not have time, will not have time to entertain your misperceptions of me.
at the end of the day, i live for myself.

and by the looks of it, i have been living by myself too.

simple

sim·ple(smpl) adj. sim·pler, sim·plest

1.Having or composed of only one thing, element, or part. See Synonyms at pure.
2.Not involved or complicated; easy: a simple task. See Synonyms at easy.
3.Being without additions or modifications; mere: a simple “yes” or “no.”
4.Having little or no ornamentation; not embellished or adorned: a simple dress.
5.Not elaborate, elegant, or luxurious. See Synonyms at plain.
6.Unassuming or unpretentious; not affected.
7.Having or manifesting little sense or intelligence.
8.Uneducated; ignorant.
9.Unworldly or unsophisticated. See Synonyms at naive.
10.Not guileful or deceitful; sincere.
11.Humble or lowly in condition or rank: a simple woodcutter.
12.Ordinary or common: a simple head cold.
13.Being a fundamental or rudimentary element; basic.
14.Not important or significant; trivial.

note definitions 1, 2, 3, 6, 7, 11 & 14.

fyi. get back to me if this is ok.

what i feel

In my dreams I'm dying all the time

As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind

I never meant to hurt you

I never meant to lie

So this is goodbye

This is goodbye

Tell the truth you never wanted me

Tell me

In my dreams I'm jealous all the time

As I wake I'm going out of my mind

Going out of my mind

Porcelain-Moby

its coming...!

11th March 1982

Taufiq's birthday that is...

AND in following the footsteps set by a dear friend (which, by the way, is very effective in garnering gifts, i must say), here is taufiq's wish list, in order of realism...

very realistic... a.k.a short-term gratification

1) Leather wallet replete with cards and coin compartments (GIFTED)

2) Watch (GIFTED!)

3) Male skincare/ grooming accessories

4) Gillette M3 Razor (the one with the battery)

5) Sobakawa pillow

6) Nice shirts and ties (ala metrosexual cutting)

7) Nice pants to go with nice shirts

8) Manicure + Pedicure

9) Haircut at a salon

10) Karaoke session

11) Dinner(s) at an atas place(s)

not so realistic... a.k.a. long term gratification

1) Ipod Mini remote

2) DVD writer compatible with Mac (external)3)

3) Motorola E1000 3G handphone

4) Spa + Massage treatment

5) Brazilian waxing

6) PELG with free applicator

out of this world! a.k.a permanent gratification

1) a new apartment

2) a new car

3) a million dollars to buy everything above and more

oh and in addition to all that, he wishes for world peace.

kindly contact the birthday boy to be if anyone wishes to sponsor the above gifts.

it would really make his day.

...a favour by the insane one

missing

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe some day you'll look up
And barely conscious you'll say to no one
Isn't something missing?

You won't cry for my absence I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me not now
Though I'd die to know you loved me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
"Isn't something missing?"
Isn't someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake without you there

Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

Missing - Evanescence

oh am i...?

You Are 80% Extrovert, 20% Introvert

You are as outgoing as they come The life of the party, you're friends with everyone You're a people person, and you are quite the entertainer You love being around a crowd and acting spontaneously

Are You An Extrovert or An Introvert?

verily, i have wronged myself...

Oh Rabb,

Verily I have wronged myself,

And if You do not forgive me and show Mercy on me,

Then I shall be among those

who have lost out dearly.

Vois sur ton chemin

Vois sur ton chemin
Gamins oubliés égarés
Donne leur la main
Pour les mener
Vers d'autres lendemains

Sens au coeur de la nuit
L'onde d'espoir
Ardeur de la vie
Sentier de la gloire

Bonheurs enfantins
Trop vite oubliés effacés
Une lumière dorée brille sans fin
Tout au bout du chemin

Sens au coeur de la nuit
L'onde d'espoir
Ardeur de la vie
Sentier de la gloire

- Les Choristes

en francais... je me deteste.

pourquoi est-il que nous peut ne jamais apprendre à parler la verité entre eux ?
pourquoi est-ce que je dois combattre au-dessus du plus petit des issues ?

pourquoi est-ce que je dois me sens si mauvais chaque fois, pourquoi dois j'aspirer chaque fois, et est-ce que pourquoi je souffrir pour mes propres actions chaque fois ?

vous savez je t'aime, mais vous ne le direz jamais de nouveau à moi.
mais je sais que mon amour signifie seulement quelque chose à moi, mais je place des espérances.

je ne suis mériter pas ... de la paix apparemment.
j'apporte à ceux-ci sur me

l'idiot que je suis...

through the looking glass

how many times does a person look inwards, and realises that he is not what he makes himself out to be?

and how many times can a person realise this, and still falter in his conduct?

i peeped through my eyes in a time past, and saw the true me.

dependant, ignoble, arrogant, self-justifying.
my values system was a complete farce.

and just when i thought i was already trying, and trying my darndest best.
just when it seemed like i had it under control.
everything just fell through my hands.
just like that.

i am still that idiot, that imbecile, that ignoble arrogant fool who has not moved a single bit.
not even a hair.

that is how freakingly stunted i am.

what have the past 2 years done to me...?
what have i not done for me...?

i am disgusted at myself.

and i dare mock others. when i am worse off.
and i dare impose myself on others, when i do not impose myself on me.

undeserving.
truly undeserving.

neptunians, beware

You Are From Neptune

You are dreamy and mystical, with a natural psychic ability. You love music, poetry, dance, and (most of all) the open sea. Your soul is filled with possibilities, and your heart overflows with compassion. You can be in a room full of friendly people and feel all alone. If you don't get carried away with one idea, your spiritual nature will see you through anything.

What Planet Are You From?

really?

You Are 100% Psychic

You are so very psychic. But you already predicted that, didn't you? You have "the gift" - and you use it daily to connect with others. You're very tapped into the world around you... Just make sure to use your powers for good!

Are You Psychic?

my lurve number

Your Love Number is

2 Of all the numbers, you are the most caring and empathetic lover. Unselfish and humble, you find it easy to forgive your sweetie's mistakes. At times, your need to please can be come a bit too needy. As long as you remain somewhat independent, your relationships are perfectly balanced.

What Is Your Love Number?

validation

I Love You for the Sake of Allah

One day while the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, was sitting with his Companions, a man passed by them. One of the ones sitting said, “I love this man.” The Prophet (pbuh) wanted to know if he had told this man his feelings or not. So the Prophet (pbuh) asked him, “Did you tell him?”The man replied, “No, I have not told him yet.” The Prophet (pbuh) told him that if one loves his brother, he should tell him of his feelings. So the man got up and hurried to catch the other man.Then he said to him, “I love you for the sake of Allah.” The other man replied, “May Allah love you, as you loved me for His Sake.”

Thus, it is a Prophetic tradition that a Muslim tell his Muslim brother that he loves him for the sake of Allah, and the other replies that he loves him, too, for the sake of Allah.

buat renungan.

Allah. this came at a much needed time.

i am what i am

i know that some people do not feel comfortable with the way i conduct myself towards them.
overly-affectionate. ultra-sensitive. a combination of weird and unbecoming.

i say this.
i am what i am.

if you wish to accept me, i ask that you accept me whole-heartedly.
in all that i am, because i am what i am.

do not ask that i keep a part of me from manifesting when i am with you.
do not ask that i act, just so you can face others.
do not ask that i change, because it effects a barrage of unfortunate events, that lead to something you may not have wished for in the first place.

i know i should not impose my values on others, if i do not want them to do likewise to me.
i try.

but those few to whom i do whatever it is i do, it is only because i am overwhelmed by what my heart seems to feels for you.

i may not understand it,
but i am what i am.

disenchanted. disenfranchised.

I walk a lonely road

The only one that I have ever known

Don't know where it goes

But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street

On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Where the city sleeps and

I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me

My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating

Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me

'Til then I walk alone

I'm walking down the line

That divides me somewhere in my mind

On the border line

Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines

What's ****** up and everything's alright

Check my vital signs

To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Greenday

minerva's burfdae

an event planned in the eleventh hour.

but glad to say, everything went as expected.

woo hoo! i hope the birthday girl had as much fun and excitement as we had in the planning...

"roti abon babi, roti abon babi, satu dua tiga empat, roti abon babi..."

there was great food, great company and great hearts.

"macam mana gajah terbang? dengan cukup susah payah."

laughs were all around and screams were abound.

"razak dengan burung-burung nya..." (razak you so missed this part)

personally i was just glad that everyone managed to come together to celebrate the life of a dear dear friend. May Allah bless her with a long, healthy, fulfilling, happy life in the company of those who love her.

on an end note:
i miss you guys so much.
time is too short whenever we're together.
i was overwhelmed at the end of the day.
but all is good, all is good.
sigh.

for a purpose, with the patience

i was in a state of mind the past few weeks, feeling under-appreciated and used. it seemed to me that people were approaching me only for my services, and i was nothing more but an advantageous addition to whatever it is they intend to do. and i was saddened because the actions of those around me only seemed to confirm that which i assumed or observed. i was in a downward spiral of despair, and growing more and more spiteful of those i blamed for setting me off.

but, somewhere inside, a voice spoke to me. and suddenly the silent voices around me also began to speak up. they advised me, a worthy advice indeed. and so...

paradigm shift in life that i have decided to try to abide by.

that in life, we should live for a purpose, which is The Purpose, and that is to achieve mardhatillah. oh ntu peeps, the MS motto finally comes to light. and in that living, we should of course bear on with patience that is as tenacious as anything in the world. patience towards what others do unto you, patience towards what is being tested unto you, patience towards challenges and obstacles that you face, patience towards the anger, hurt, despair, gloom and unhappiness.

and once you see the supremacy of The Purpose over all else... nothing else really matters.
and for once, you achieve a serenity that all other attitudes seem to not be able to give.

and as how dear ratna says it, you will find it so much easier to remain happy and unburdened.

bro tariq said something in a session that i attended, that a muslim should strive to make everyday an excellent day, a day that he will not look back with regret, a day that will lead him closer to his Creator. and strive i will.

affirmation, approval and encouragement given by close friends to whom i have confided this in.

pray for me now.

just

I know it's late now I know I ought to go

Ride in your car now but please don't drop me home

My head's so heavy, could this be all a dream?

Promise me maybes and say things you don't mean

Rain fall from concrete coloured sky

No boy, don't speak now you just

Drive, drive, drive

Take me through make me fell alive, alive

When I ride with you

Keep my heart turning on axles around you

Keep our love burning just like it used to do

Now just for us, they could play our favourite tune

Let's not discuss all these things we can't undo

Let

Rain fall from concrete coloured sky

No boy, don't speak now you just

Drive, drive, drive T

ake me through make me fell alive, alive

When I ride with you

Rain fall from concrete coloured sky

No boy, don't speak now you just drive

Bic Runga - Drive

death of the third hokage

“Iruka sensei, why do people sacrifice their own lives for the sake of others?

When people die, they disappear and become a part of the future...
As those people die, their dreams come to life.

But… there is something just as important as that.

Parents, siblings, friends, couples.

People that are precious to you are connected… they trust and help each other…when you are born, they connect to everything in your life and when they die, they become a part of that strong chain that connects everyone and everything.

It’s not surprising that a person within the chain holds on to it tightly.

Because it’s important."

how true.

lying low for the while

i think in order to bide me over this tumultuous time, i am going to just lie low for a while.
i don't want to risk hurting others and hurting myself.
and i wish to take the solitude to reflect on my own development.
if you need me, call me. otherwise, leave me in my contemplation.

i have a lot of work to do on myself.
habluminallah, habluminan naas.

2 most difficult cords to maintain.

Guide me, and lead me to the straight path.

'Atini mahabbataka wa makrifataka, ya Allah.

hiking with the ladies, a man, and a matin

hehehe.

fun fun fun.

got competition and all.

and diva lady made sandwiches for everyone.

nice nice nice.

fit fit fit.

hahaha.

again again again?

advice for petty me

pardon the last few entries.
i needed to vent my anger.
i already re-apologised to those involved.

rezuan told me today that sometimes he pities the love that i have for others.
and he said, love Allah more, because the others whom i love, may not be around, even himself.

bro, i truthfully have to say, sometimes i pity myself. for being unable to control that which i feel, and bringing hurt to myself. and i do know the limit, and fragility of the love that i have for you all - it may not last the test of time, it may not be there when i need it, and therefore i should focus on that which i should. i am trying, and i am relearning it. but a life of a muslim is fraught with tests and obstacles, and the love that i bear in me, is both blessing and bane.

He knows my efforts, and He knows my weaknesses, and as we all know, we are not burdened with things we cannot handle. i thank you for your prayers brother, and more. and i believe that i am much stronger than this (as are you).

for all your worries, this is just a passing phase for me too. i get into these super-sensitive moods, where logic may not prevail. and i wallow in my own emotions, which may be negative and crappy to behold.

our final purposes are after all, our own.

sigh.

the truth

i guess the reason i am always getting angry is this - that i expected more from a relationship that has stood against so much for so long. i expected you to be able to know my nuances better than others, which is why i am more lenient to those who just made their acquaintance with me. but you should know better, above all others. and the fact that you demonstrate ignorance and apathy even after all that time, irks me. it just points to a sad fact, that the worth that you place in trying for my sake, is really not much.

really, even after all these years, nothing.
i feel that, you know.
and it hurts a lot.

angry

i know myself well enough to say that i am not perfect. and in spite of trying to improve myself, i still have many hurdles to clear, and i am not getting closer even as i speak. but damn it, i don't need you being there and yet might as well not be. really. sometimes i feel that i am blocking my own path with you. why am i doing this to myself? is it really worth my time, my pain, my effort? you are going to be just you at the end of the day. and i don't want to find myself just as stinking stagnant as you. damn it. i am pissed. really really pissed. go with others you are more comfortable with, those who are as stinking as you are. like i said before and i say it again, you will never see. it does not pay to love i tell you.

never got you

i never did get your shame.
is it due to ego?

or is it me?
you cannot stand me and how i carry myself?
you cannot believe the things i do?
you cannot accept me for who i am?

others are fine with me.
but you, apparently not.

whatever lah.
maybe it's just not meant to be.

saddened

i remember that one told me that if i needed to, i will be able to.
and yes, it was true that i could when i did.

but i am saddened, that even so, that one did not reciprocate with a response that would leave me even the slightest bit satisfied.

it was but a meaningless gesture.
an embrace of no worth.

that one will not know.
that one will not know.

"I can't make you love me

And you can't make me either

Patience, boy I need it

I can't make me love you"

- butterfly boucher

ma'al hijrah

new year, renewed aspirations.

Allah, guide us along the Blessed Path, and forgive us our past transgressions. Lead us to a fulfilling and enlightening future, that we may revel in Your Mercies and Blessings.

Allah, bless those who love and are loved, and keep us in this love that stems from Your Gift to us.

kullu 'amin wa antum bi khair.

nusms nite cycling

went for the event, cos azfar invited me. after much of my pestering.

it was nice.

tiring, but you feel good after it.

and with the company, even better.

i had taufiq, azfar, abu, asri and muslim, wan janggut, hafiz k, ashar, herman, rozi and din among others. t'was good meeting them all, especially yang lama tak jumpa.

so had a whole night at east coast, and changi.
had a guardian all the way, though i wondered why. but it strengthened my faith and more in the guy. Allah, bless him.

then din sent us home, but not before we went to eat at madina at sembawang.
and we were cracking jokes and teasing each other all the way, a result of lack of sleep, leading to a sense of euphoria. hahaha.

yang tak boleh angkat, masa abang rozi nak tengok whether the car we were in will hit a motor on the left. dengan sewenang-wenangnya, dia gerakkan kepalanya untuk melihat ke luar tingkap.

*DUK*

kepala dia terhantuk ke tingkap, yang belum diturunkan.

terkekek semua.

reflection

"And strive for Allah with the endeavour which is His right.

He has chosen you and has not laid upon you in religion any hardship;

the faith of your father Abraham is yours.

He has named you Muslims of old time and in this Scripture, that the messenger may be a witness unto you, and that you may be witnesses unto mankind.

So establish worship, pay the poor-due, and hold fast to Allah.

He is your Protecting Friend. A blessed Patron, and a blessed Helper!"

Surah Al-Hajj, verse 78

saddened

i worry for the state of those dearest to me.

burdened by personal concerns and afflictions, they are doubled over from the sheer weight.
and it shows very clearly and simply: fatigue, burn out, seeking escape but never finding it.

so much so, that even a smile may drain them.

a friend asked me not to worry.

how can i stand still, when i know you hurt?
how can i breathe easy, when your own breaths are laboured?
how can i not feel your pain, when our hearts beat to the same rhythm?
how can i not worry, when i love you so much?

i wish i could do something more.
all i can do is pray that you all find rest and relief.
and may your purpose give you the strength you need to go on.

sigh.

Dear my love, haven't you wanted to be with me
And dear my love, haven't you longed to be free
I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you
And at sweet night, you are my own
Take my hand

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning's light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name

I have dreamt of a place for you and I
No one knows who we are there
All I want is to give my life only to you
I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore
Let's run away, I'll take you there

Forget this life
Come with me
Don't look back you're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left to stop you

Evanescence - Anywhere

i only have 24 hours in a day.

therefore i apologise beforehand, if i fall below expectations.
therefore i seek respite before i am accused of neglect.
therefore i ask for understanding, lest i am perceived otherwise.

this is an important semester for me, and a stressful one.
and they said that time management is of the essence.
and i am beginning to see it ever so evidently.

i know i have not been around, i know i have not been there, i know i have not performed what i used to do.

in times when perhaps i am needed, i have to make that choice.
even if it may seem cruel.

you all know that i love you a lot.
you all know that i am here, if and when you need me.
and you all know, that i want to give more, even as i speak.

but, time is not on my side.
selfish it may be, but again i reiterate: time is not on my side.

pardon me this time. i am in no power to fight against what needs to be done.

ida, nura, rita, ratna, shikin, azfar, rezuan, taufiq, shafur - among those whom i address this to.
i just pray that you all remain blessed and guided through this time.

near detonation

subhanallah.

its all i can say.

really. i am close to it.

just hope my brains dont suddenly squeal in protest and start oozing out my ears.

almost hypertensive

bad bad headache.

from all the thinking and reading and analysing and organising and reorganising.

i can feel my pulse drumming the sides of my head.
i think even my brain is rebelling against this torture.
i do not know how long my heart can take it.

its official you know. everyone is clearly feeling the tension in the environment, from the expectations that have been placed upon our shoulders. everyone acknowledges the need to perform and perform well. and everyone knows how important it is to maintain our standards, and improve even further.

dun crack, please.
its hard, damned hard, but dun crack please.

"today i dream, of friends i had before, what's become of them, the ones who called dun call anymore..." - Seal, Don't Cry

i wish...

i wish people were not so sad.
i wish people smiled a bit more.
i wish people could hear what resounds in another's heart.
i wish people took care of others, as much as they take care of themselves.
i wish people cared for themselves, as much as they care for others.

i wish people see what others see and feel what others feel.

i wish i can give more to you, as i really want to.
i wish i have more to give to you, as you really deserve.
i wish i can make you happy everyday, as you make me, even in the smallest way.
i wish a part of me can be with you, as you find your way.

i wish me you and you and you.
and i hope you wish you me, through and through.

obituary

azmi's father passed away today. please gift a fatihah for him.

may his soul be placed among those who are righteous and believers, and be blessed by the Merciful.

Amin.

potentiates

the young ones have a lot of potential in them.

i hope they find their own styles and use it to the best of their abilities. the meeting went along well, and i hope that that which was shared will be remembered. technicalities aside, everyone needs to understand what they will go through and what has to be done. although i cannot say that i was exemplary when it was my turn, i just hoped that they will understand us and understand what needed to be heard.

i do not see a clear path - in fact the mix of people who will be working together is very unpredictable. they will most definitely face conflict and obstacles. i pray that they are wise enough to rise above it, and settle amicably. it seems to me that we cannot place enough emphasis on the importance of communications. we kept on going back to that point. and i believe that this is something that EVERYONE should remember, no matter where we are now.

that aside, it would be most interesting to see how the FOC will turn out. and how i would love to be able to experience it for myself. just sad that perhaps i may not be able to, due to academic commitments. let's just pray for the best.

my skin tingles at the possibilities of the powers of these potentiates. woo hoo.

and fellow venatorians, lets see if they can one-up us.
and i love you peeps. king, advisor, ministers, one and all.

*bows*

clinical

with a lot of trepidation, i entered the rehabilitation centre. my companion and i expressed our fears and worries to each other. it was, after all, utterly new and alien to us. but fears and worries gave way to compassion, trust, and comfort...

which eventually led to a sense of fulfilment like no other.

again, the smiles, the laughter, the holding of hands, the embraces... the sheer innocence and naivette of young minds, was most refreshing, and most touching.

as sung by one, in a quiet voice, "que sera sera, whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours to see, que sera sera, what will be, will be..." i almost cried at the absolute aptness of that song.

endearing souls, not knowing, but forever living in their own worlds.
worlds without troubles. just peace.

visit to ntu

its funny how some unintended things, become such a source of happiness.

went to ntu, to take rezuan's form, and to pass zul his anat and physio book.
wanted to meet shikin along the way.

before that, on the bus, i met lieja, and then at the canteen, zaki and mr kamal, rizal and raihan.

i went to pray asar, and met hakim. who decided to accompany me a while, waiting for shikin.

then suddenly raymond came. then abu. then tze ying. then my sister's friend. then zul. then nokman. then saifuddin. then shikin and mazlinah.

then went to canteen again. then met nasir and ira. then rezuan and abu. then first semester ntu friend.

then went to maghrib, where i heard that wonderful recitation again.

then went to break fast at jp with rezuan and abu. got teased like dunno what. but if it makes them smile and laugh, i gladly go through it again.

see. unintended to meet all of them. yet by His Grace, i met all of them and more.

comfort in a dream

i found myself walking along a familiar path, a path i knew led me to school. the sky was ambiguous, in a shade of dusk and dawn. somehow i was dressed in another uniform but there was this feeling that i was not in the right place.

yet i walked on ahead, through the gates.

and saw the children, sitting down, running around.

i sat down beside a boy, no more than eight years of age, quiet in his own contemplation. his sister, a year older, was beside him, looking at him.

and we began a conversation, his quiescence against my speech.

"but you are special," i said to him. "you are not her, not him, nor him, nor him." i pointed to his sister, who began to smile gently and then to the other children running around. "everyone is different, and that is why everyone is special. but you are the most special one."

his sister smiled at me. and i continued a coversation that i cannot recall.

as i then stood up to leave at the end, the boy looked at me, tears in his eyes, and embraced me with a strength that belied his slight frame.

"thank you," he said. "may that which you work for, come true."

i woke up in wonder at the meaning of that dream. yet, i am surprisingly calm, and at peace. and there was such an overwhelming sense of comfort that i got from the last words i remembered.

in a very unexplainable way, i felt blessed.

quarter centenary...this boy...

happy 25th dearest razak...
may graces and beauty embrace you...
and His Mercy be upon you...
Smile always, and may your dreams... enter reality...

what's the point?

how would you feel, if you found out that all your years of education came to moot?

that the very point of you seeking that knowledge - to serve people... more importantly, to improve your family's well-being, either through direct application of that knowledge, or indirectly through the financial input or pride - is like dust that is blown around in the wind... insignificant, and of not much use?

i have been put to face this situation.

personally, it irks me. it disappoints me. it kills me.

that i, my knowledge, my purpose, is of no consequence to the ones i love the most.
that i will not be able to help, despite trying so hard.

what's the point...?

addendum

i just realised the use of colours in my blogging.

wow. how very unadventurous i was.

but no more.

wakakakakkakaka.

the mad rush of school

its the second week of school.

just.

and yet i am already feeling the pressure of the projects and assignments that i need to complete, on top of facing clinical attachments for 10 weeks. to give you a low-down:

lifestyle and lifespan development (week 6)
- a comparative study of developmental differences in a 13 month old male and female child. (interviews, literature review, observations & assessments, integration)

occupational therapy theory and process (week 6)
- a complete case analysis and management of a post-suicide patient with multiple fractures, spinal trauma, and traumatic brain injury

communication (week ?)
- debate series

research methods (wk ?)
- formulating a questionnaire

clinical attachment (week 10)
- MINDS, clinical diaries, and reflective journal

SHS Club
- Valentine's Day Project Love-Sellers (Feb)
- Captain's Ball League (Feb)
- SHS Students' Conference (March)
- Graduates' Dinner and Dance (May)

NYP Pal
- NYP Open House (March)

and they were telling us, this semester has been cut short to accomodate the new student intake in april. therefore, we have lesser time for lessons. but check this out - THE SYLLABUS HAS NOT BEEN ADJUSTED. an originally 16-week curriculum has been cut to about 12 weeks. That is almost a whole month difference. Yet we are expected to take it all in our stride, being the A-level students that we are, and produce results all the same.

mad i tell you.

simply mad.

to those whom i yearn for...

there are a few individuals who move me enough to make me yearn for them...
their absence is dearly dearly felt...
to them, i pledge my everlasting devotion and love...

Pride can stand a thousand trials,
The strong will never fall.
But watching stars without you, my soul cries.
Heaving heart, it's full of pain.
Oh, oh, the aching.
cause I'm missing you. oh.
I'm missing you, oh.

Touch me deep, pure and true.
Give to me forever.
cause I'm missing you. oh.
I'm missing you.

Where are you now?
Where are you now?
cause I'm missing you.
I'm missing you. oh.

adapted from Des'ree - Kissing You

clearer view. pardon the blood. 

my teeth. all shattered up. 

my first time being operated upon

*heaves a breath*

Rites. I came to the clinic at 10.00am and registered myself. By 10.30am i was called inside, where they asked me to put on a set of scrubs. I met up with the dental surgeon, a dentist by the name of Dr Teh, who explained to me the procedures. She also explained the risks that I face, namely temporary or permanent loss of sensation/ numbness to the jaw and/or tongue due to nerve injuries.

I went into the OT, my heart was pee-pooring (as how Nura would describe it). I was unusually nervous, and i attributed it to the fact that this was the first major procedure that i was going under, and that it is the DENTIST.

I sat in the chair, and Dr Teh proceeded on to anaesthesize me. It was a LONG needle, and it stung like crap. And there she was jabbing into my gums and my buccal areas... until at last, I could not feel anything. But I remembered flinching at one part when she was numbing the left side of my mouth, something which had repercussions later.

The orderly prepped me. My eyes were shielded from the glare of the lights with a surgical cloth. Thankfully. They did not cover my ears with mufflers or anything, so I heard every single noise that was made when the surgery was carried out.

Firstly, the incision into the gum to reveal the impacted teeth. That was not so bad...because the scraping of the gum was totally painless and no force was required.

then came the insane drilling.

i could smell my teeth burning from the friction.
i could feel the drill pushing in and shattering my teeth.
i could imagine how bloody it was, cos i could taste my blood.

the drilling was the one thing that made that whole experience, absolutely frightening. the singularly most frightening experience of my life.
dentists seem to work very well with drills, and that classic stereotype of a dentist drilling into your mouth while you lie helpless on the chair, became a reality for me. take that for experience.

but this dentist had something more up her sleeve. she attempted to extract a tooth which may possibly require operation to remove properly. and she pulled like there was no tomorrow. and i'd rather had my head come off, than my tooth, because she pulled super super hard, and the damn tooth did not budge. and i was getting distressed under the sheets. and i could feel the pain, because like i said, i think the left side was a bit poorly anaesthesized due to my own fault. but fortunately, it came off not long after.

when they removed the mask from my eye, i visibly wiped away a tear or two, and i do not know whether it was from the pain, or from the relief of the operation ending.

there you have it, a blow by blow account of my first major procedure.

*heaves another breath*