step one: get good grades. on to step two...

my exam results were sms-ed to me in the morning.
and alhamdulillah, i am happy to report that i have gotten grades which are more than satisfactory.

it heartens me to prove to myself that i am able to perform well for academia.
and it has given me the motivation to carry on performing.

now, with these results, i intend to apply for the singhealth or nhg sponsorship for healthcare professionals. insya Allah.

story of a fickle fever

it began one night, when the rain fell most heavily. but i for one, never feared the rain. afterall, the coolness only made the night more comfortable to sleep in. as i prepared to tuck myself in for the night, i wondered, how nice it would be, if every night were as wet and cool.

as i drifted away into unconsciousness, i began to feel warm - uncomfortable and insipidous. my plan for a restful sleep became fitful. i saw weird visions, strange happenings. i was confused and very disoriented - until i woke up. looking at the clock, i realised that i had barely slept for two hours. and my body was burning up. i tried to force myself back to sleep - only to awaken at irregular intervals of minutes.

i could not take it anymore. i dragged myself up, literally. my limbs were like concrete slabs weighing me down. every motion was painful and torturous. into the kitchen i went, looking for some form of relief. panadol, water - whichever came first. i did not realise that my throat was parched until swallowing became a chore.
downing a glass of water, i trudged back into my room.

as i lay down, i could feel the panadol taking effect. little beads of perspiration formed on my forehead - a sign of the fever breaking. i thought to myself, everything is going to be just fine. its just a passing fever. as i fell back to sleep, little did i know how wrong i was.

when i woke up the next morning, the fever was back, in full force. taking my temperature, i found it to be 38.6 degrees. i was shocked by the intensity of the fever. my pulse was a rapid 120 beats per minute. i told my mother, who told me to take febricol, a stronger cousin of panadol, and rest. if it does not subside, then i would be off to the doctor's. well, wonder of wonders, the medication worked, for the while. the fever broke again. my mother made me take two more tablets in the course of the day, to ensure that the fever was really gone. we both thought the fever was gone.

i felt fine enough to go out the day after. but during the outing, my systems started to act up again. all holes were leaking, to be crude. and the fever came back. it was very unpleasant and inconvenient. i managed to hold on till the end, and reached home intact.

however, i broke at home.

that night, i did not sleep at all, because of the sheer pain and discomfort that the fever was giving me. every sleeping position was a different bed of nails. every breath was like having my lungs tugged at. i did not know whether to feel cold or hot. my body was warring with itself. i made my way to the bathroom, and doused myself. it was a wonder that i remained conscious throughout the whole ordeal. i believed myself to be capable of passing out anytime.

the rest of the night passed with no improvement to my condition.

and so i decided, like it or not, to the doctor's i must go.

but guess what fickle fever decided to do? when i reached the clinic, the fever subsided, and my temperature was normal. when the doctor examined me, she found no evidence of the fever. boy was i pissed. its like the fever conveniently decided to leave, just as i decided to get treatment.

fickle fever.

but thanks to all those who wished me well. i should be getting better soon. i hope. got a lot of jalan raya planned. :)

hot or cold?

38.4 degrees. and holding.
am going to see the doctor tomorrow if this soes not subside.
my temperature rarely goes beyond 38 degrees.

it is scaring me.

macam dah takdir

just when my mood to celebrate was healed, just when everything seemed to be going a-ok...just when i was raring to go...

fever.

i am sick now.

heavy head, heavy limbs (not due to my natural size ok), raised body temperature, sleepless nights, bitter medication, loss of appetite, weird visions... the works.

bingit ah cam gini.

urgh.

by the ways...

just an announcement for those who read my blog...

EVENT: "BRANCHING OUT", the 3rd RAFFLESIAN HARI RAYA GATHERING
VENUE: RAFFLES HOTEL BALLROOM
DATE: 12 DECEMBER 2004, 1.30pm - 4.30pm
COST: $35 for students in RI, RGS, RJC, $55 for the rest

***KITSITRA***
errm, i know nura cannot perform on that day, but would the rest of you like to put up a performance? a medley of sorts... we need razak and/or azfar and/or zul to play the guitars...and the rest to recite or sing...

murshidah has agreed to perform a deklamasi with musical accompaniment
me and ratna will be singing a medley

anything more you guys want to contribute?

get back to me yah?

enam tabib

enam tabib datang mengubat
hati sedih sakit melarat
dibaca, ditiup, dihembuskan ayat
hati melarat menjadi sihat

enam tabib pangkatnya sahabat
enam tabib bagaikan kerabat
ayat penawar kekata hikmat
pelembut pejal dendam tersirat

*pffft*

ok the past entries may seem morose.
that's just me being a brat.

nobody worry about me ok?

"the only thing constant in life is change..."

i was going through a phase. still am.
but will get through it anyways.

enough said.

be well all, NUS peeps - good luck. NTU peeps - well done.

what's there left to celebrate?

i remember not too long ago having a chat with one of my friends.
and she said something about never actually having celebrated raya.
she never felt the spirit of raya.

and in my heart, i was thinking, "how sad for her..."

but this year, with all the things happening, i find myself in her same shoes. well perhaps not that i am really in her same situation, but the feeling, that there is nothing worth celebrating, resonates true inside me.

putih hati, kata orang.

tahun ini, raya pertama berhamburan.
raya bersama teman tidak dihiraukan.
semangat persaudaraan, bagaikan kian pudar dan hilang dari ingatan.
hilang erti beraya jika tiada makna yang mampu ku aqadkan kepada sambutan.

for all that it is worth, i shall grant reasonable doubt to whatever it is.
but the one thing that i had actually looked forward to, i shall now despise.

i will visit who i want, when i want. and those whom i make an effort to visit, will know that they matter more to me.

those whom i deign not even be courteous to, then serves you right.

tantrum?

no.

broken.

egocentrism

i know its kinda late for this.
but yah, selamat menyambut bulan syawal to all (not hari raya cos that day is past...)

just an entry to commemorate that fateful day then.

in psychology, Piaget suggested that humans develop in stages. at age 2-7, they are at the "preoperational stage", which is characterised by symbolic activity or play, but to a very great degree, egocentrism. egocentrism is defined as the inability to perceive objects or situations from another person's perspective. therefore, the child at such a stage is usually observed to be self-biased i.e. self-centred.

note the age range.

it is kind of peculiar, how individuals at a supposed age range beyond that, can regress to that stage - a stage which they have purported passed a long, long time ago.

many times, we experience situations which arise from this basic problem - an egocentric antagonist. and the final conclusion we draw from the incident - people should learn to see things from another's perspective, and that one's actions may have consequences on other people. but the question that begs to be answered is, how many of us actually make a conscious effort to be less egocentric after the incident?

sometimes, we just say the things that we say, to end the incident. but then we continue harbouring the thoughts and emotions - that we are right, that the other party is wrong, that everyone but yourself is being unreasonable, and that there is therefore no other way out, but your way.

i admit that at this time, i am feeling exactly that.

something happened on the morning of raya, an event that was utterly unexpected, and rather uncalled for from my point of view. to blame just one person for the affair would be very unfair. to put it nicely, yes, somehow, someway, all were at fault for being caught up in their own worlds.

but i blame another person totally for it. and i still believe that the ultimate fault lies with him. it all precipitated and accumulated because of how selfish, how stubborn, how immature and how blind he is towards the whole state of affairs, and how everyone has suffered because of him.

and i hate the way he simply pretends that nothing has happened, and that everything is fine. bullshit. he is really undeserving of the things that he has gotten, in my eyes. accuse me of egocentrism now. i dun give a damn. frankly i have a feeling that nothing was achieved by that incident, that it all came to naught, whatever we tried to talk about.

if it were me, i would have chased him out a long time ago. impulsive? come experience it for yourself first, then judge me.

whatever it is, the bitter aftertaste of the whole event remains even to this day.
all i remember, is going to my room, and just collapsing to the floor, crying and lamenting. that's egocentrism for you. i had no other thing in my mind, except how i felt and what i thought.

i really did not want to celebrate raya. the whole mood was gone and destroyed.

wait, that's wrong.

the whole mood is gone and destroyed.

ilal liqa', ya syahrul karim

i thank You for the gift of ramadhan, and the gift of lailatul qadr.
i thank You for the gift of fasting, and the gift of life.
i thank You for the gift of thought, and the gift of reflection.
i thank You for the gift of Islam, and Iman, and Ihsan.
i thank You for the gift of Your Beloved.

alhamdulillahi rabbil 'alamin, 'ala kulli haalin wan na'im.
wa ilal liqa', insya Allah, ya syahrul karim.

gone too soon...ramadhan in retrospect

Like a comet, blazing 'cross the evening sky...gone too soon
Like a rainbow, fading in the twinkling of an eye...gone too soon

Shiny and sparkly and splendidly bright
Here one day, gone one night

Like the loss of sunlight on a cloudy afternoon...gone too soon

Like a castle built upon a sandy beach...gone too soon
Like a perfect flower that is just beyond your reach...gone too soon

Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight
Here one day, gone one night

Like a sunset dying with the rising of the moon...gone too soon

Gone Too Soon - Michael Jackson

indeed, ramadhan has come, and gone.
leaving us wondering if we will meet again.

at the friday sermon earlier, the khatib brought up the matter of evaluating our ramadhan. so here i am, on the last night, in muhasabah.

i remember at the advent of the holy month, many of my friends were very eager, and very spirited in facing the trials of fasting and abstinence. we made our determined avowals that ramadhan this year would be different, and a definite improvement from ramadhans in the past. we would endeavour towards ibadah, and towards unveiling ramadhan in a new light.

insya Allah, i pray that we have somewhat managed to achieve that, if not all that we had wished for, then at least in whatever miniscule amount that we could.

i cannot help but feel that there could have been something more done. that i could have been more determined. that i could have exercised more control in some of my actions. that i could have done things a different way.

that i could have been a better son, a better brother, a better friend, a better muslim - a better person.

despite all that i tried, i find myself faltering in my interactions with my family. my attitude towards my family still has a lot that needs working upon. my parents, my sister and my brothers could have gotten better from me. they should have gotten better from me. yet i find some things just really hard to control and change. and these things would someday define me as a person.

despite all that i tried, i find myself faltering in my interactions with my friends.
i lose myself in them, and yet it is among them that i should practice more restraint. i forget who i am, and what i am. and i will inadvertently hurt myself.

despite all that i tried, i find myself faltering in my submission to Him. what i know, i do not act upon. what i should act upon, i take lightly. and what i take lightly, does not prove the determination that i had so spiritedly spoke of in the beginning.

has this ramadhan changed me? or have i simply changed what ramadhan means to me?

every year, ramadhan is supposed to improve one's being, physically and spiritually. it is not about a mere abstinence from food or drinks to prove one's devotion or that one is a muslim. it is supposed to be appreciated on many different levels. the cleansing of the body, is to be accompanied with a cleansing of the mind, a cleansing of unacceptable character traits, a cleansing of the spirit. it readies one to face his Lord, for it is at this month, where mercies from Master to servant are boundless, that one can aspire to achieve makrifatullah with ease. it is why this month is the month of the ummah, for it is the time when the ummah is elevated beyond other times. it is why the fast is so special, because it can only be for God, and no one else. it is why at the peak of the month, the Night of Power, one can receive more blessings than one can ever achieve in a lifetime.

ramadhan, ramadhan.

i am unfortunate that i have perhaps left this month, with nothing more than a broken heart. knowing my flaws and yet not being able to change them in time. yet i am hopeful, that by His Grace, i will be able to change. insya Allah.

Lord, we are tested with many trials. these tribulations that You ordained upon us - our family, our friends, our roles and responsibilities, and our lives - we ask that You show mercy and kindness. You do not burden a soul with more than it can bear, but little do we perceive it. therefore, we ask of you, our Lord, to grant us the strength that we would need to face our obstacles, and avail us to a blissful end. by the glory of this holy month that You gift upon us, by the Mercy that You shower upon Your servants in the days and nights, by the passing of the holy month on this last night, we ask of you, oh Listener and Knower of All. bless us, and forgive us our transgressions, oh Forgiver and Most Merciful.

Amin.

by the way...

if the bottom entry kind of makes me appear like, shallow and superficial, so be it.

got better things to think about.

sorry...not my cuppa...

a friend of mine brought up a very salient point about me.

and its a truth.

politics is not my forte. in fact it is one of the things that i have absolutely no sense for. what is the phrase used to describe it? political apathy, yes.

so eunice olsen is NMP. good for her. big deal to me.

it is not as if she is incapable or anything. proof of that will come in her term of service. whether she's good or not will depend on the results of her work. and by that argument, who are we to judge anyone at first glance whether he or she should be NMP? and what's there to say about the level of politics in the country? "What is happening to Parliament?" Come on, surely we are more matured than that.

if anything at all, it goes to show that the government is trying to improve itself, adding fresh perspectives and new blood into the leadership of the nation. i am sure that there were and will be systems of checkbacks to ensure the capabilties and suitability of the candidates for the position. if i could further add, kudos to the government for being willing to be unconventional and expand the opportunities of leadership to younger and less jaded minds.

you see, it is not political apathy. rather, it is just a vote of confidence in the actions of the government and the direction we are heading.

but my opinions are my own.
my two cents' worth of political diatribe is above-written.

still not my cuppa tho'.

muslims around the world.

yasser arafat passed away today. of what ailment, only God knows. but ihda fatihah for him. may his deeds be accepted for what they are worth, and may God accept him in kindness and mercy, by the grace of this month.

the conflict between palestine and israel is still not resolved, despite forty years of him trying. may He show mercy and pass relief over the people of Palestine soon.

iraq is still being bombarded despite being liberated. i really cannot think of what they are trying to prove. its the month of ramadhan for crying out loud, can't they show some respect? for every deed, there is its just reward. verily, He is Wise and Just.

singapore was shaken by a story of a man who tried to rob a bank. i just read that the man is a chinese muallaf, with a wife and four kids. what drove him to do it, only God knows. he got shot in the head and shoulder, but survived the shots and is being treated in hospital now. masya Allah.

just posting this, for the sake of remembrance, and contemplation.

dasar pemalas

as i was wrote in my previous entry, i was of course springcleaning.
and the object of my attention was my quaint little room, which i have to dive around and about to just get some things out.

as my mom would complain (and as the majority of you can guess from the date difference - the whole time of which i was TRYING to springclean), i took forever.
and i decided that i really needed to pick up the pace.

and i believe so did Fate.

so as i woke up, i looked about my room, and thought, let's finish this up today.

so i reached for my shelves-structure-thing, and tried to shift the whole contraption, without first unloading the shelves, which were of course laden with all my trophies (yes i win stuff), my toiletries, my magazines, my objects of interests, my academia, and my personal memories. real heavy stuff when you put it all together on a flimsy excuse for shelves.

pull the shelves.

*CREAK*

what was that noise? can't see anything wrong. continue pulling.

*CREEEEAAAK*

what the *peep* was that? still cannot see anything wrong. pull some more.

*CRRREEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAK, KEBOOOOOOOOSSHHHH!*

mm-hmm, flimsy excuse gave up on me, and crashed to the floor, splewing all my barang-barang all over the room.

i was super-stunned.

and then it crossed my mind, i had wanted to get myself a brand new cupboard, big and strong, so that i could put all my stuff nicely inside. so my flimsy excuse giving up was good in a way.

then i thought again, no no no. this was just His way of telling me, get off your butt and clean up!! my room was a total wreck. and clean up i had to do, like it or not. it was a just reminder. hahahah.

but now that my room is cleaned out, i actually put back flimsy excuse together, and it is standing just as it had for the past year. hmmm. i threw out some stuff (no azfar you dun need boxes so i threw them away) and got rid of some un-necessities, so flimsy excuse won't be so flimsy.

and my springcleaning is done.

curtains up! and we're off!!

"start with the left bottom corner..."

springcleaning.

what a headache.

i have a small room to my own, which has a lot of stuff that i keep and need (i dont really know to which end i prioritise). as it is with the festivities, i need to clear it out or at least make some sense of the ordered chaos that has prevailed in the past year (it's always from raya to raya).

the problem with a small room is that: it is small.

and yes, while some people may complain and tell me to be thankful that i have a room because some other people dont even have shelter over their heads (well that is going a bit too far, lets just keep it at not having their own rooms), i have to make a point that with a small room, there is really not enough space.

i need to do up my room, and refurbish.
there is not enough storage areas for all my barang-barang.
which was part of the reason why my stuff is strewn all over the floor (the other being laziness and pure laziness to order my items), and the main reason why i really havent been having people over as often as i used to.

well, so i tried to clean it out just now, and try a new room layout (there are only so many i can try). in relocating my barang2 from one corner to the other corner, i suddenly found myself trapped.

i couldnt move out of the corner i was in.
hahaha.

so much for cleaning out.

so i had a mini adventure traversing through my barang2, all in the space of my room. woo hoo.

its now partially settled. i have my computer desk. and two big piles of stuff yet to be ordered.

NEXT CORNER!!

*breathe, and dive*

ihsan

a friend wrote about ihsan, and how she felt that she was not doing a very good job of it because her hamsters are sick and she can't do anything about it.

some things cannot be controlled, as how i commented.

but just now, as i was on my way home, i came across two cats. two creatures of God who are just trying to survive this world where they are at a disadvantage as compared to us human beings. i called to them, and they came to me.

one was limping very badly.

i looked at the one limping, and saw that some mindless fool had twisted the right front paw of the poor creature a full 180 degrees. the cat will never be able to move properly again.

that limb was swollen and i could see that the paw was going to be trouble.

ihsan.

where was the kindness and compassion for fellow creatures of God? what was the person who cruelly twisted the poor cat's limb thinking when he did it? i really fail to understand their drive and motivation...what? power and might over another lesser creature?

fools!

bagi mereka yang dianiaya dan tidak mempunyai suara untuk melawan, semoga Allah memberi balasan yang setimpal. dan bagi mereka yang menganiaya, sesungguhnya azab yang menanti amat pedih. dan Allah Maha Mengetahui segalanya...

subhanallah.

excessive behaviour

err...and umm...
i bought 2 baju raya. tak snonoh.
nizar ni memang impulsive.

yipppppeeeeeee

wow

*blink blink*

it's finally over.

EXAMS ARE OVER!!

i wrote my last examinable sentence at 10.29am yesterday morning, but the realisation did not sink in till about 5.00pm. talk about slow.

well, now i am free from my academic burden for the moment, just waiting for favourable results due to be out on 25 nov. i am not going to think too much about it. just let whatever happen, happen,

now its time to focus on the last 10 days of ramadhan, and make up for lost time as best as i can.

to my dear friends whose exams are currently underway (NTU) and coming soon (NUS), i wish you all the best. In your stressful states, do not forget to smile and pray for guidance and peace. I will pray for you all as well...

aishah is the one in red tudung. baru baik dari dengue...semua doakan kepulihan dia! she bloghopped to me blog...so welcome! 

take a break.

just some questions that i received in my email. courtesy of de-stressing peers. so i hope it helps you just the same, unless you are a some psychotic must-have-answers-to-all-questions person, then i will beg you not to even go beyond this line.

else, smile peeps.

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
window?