glimpsing the pains

as i looked upon my grandfather yesterday, as he took one laborious breath after the next, i was suddenly aware of the recitation in the background.

Say: Do you argue with us about God?
He is our Sustainer as well as your Sustainer -
and unto us shall be accounted our deeds, and unto you, your deeds;
and it is unto Him alone that we devote ourselves.
(Al-Baqarah:139)

and already in this world, we begin to answer for ourselves.

Oh Most Merciful and Forgiving, show mercy and forgive us.

love you all.

people grow up. people move on.

but i am glad that some make the effort still.

congrats ali and lala!

hur hur... second wedding event in a row.

may Allah bless you guys with a happy and virtuous matrimony, seeded in faith and love!

congratulations Zan and Ada!

as can quite obviously be seen, my dear friend Hurizan got hitched with his belle Ada this weekend, and it was a whirlwind of events from Friday afternoon to Saturday evening!

i am honoured to have been allowed to be a part of the celebrations...

my camera skills suck. so i shan't put more pictures than these three here.

this picture was taken on the first day after the solemnization. the story was that we couldn't do a shoot at seletar reservoir due to construction works, so we went into seletar west camp. the house we immediately stopped beside was suddenly offered to us as a shooting location by the owner, and we of course took the opportunity to use such rustic locality, and got some really nice shots. the image almost looks photoshopped, but its 100% real. the couple were dressed in traditional white malay costume.

the sanding took part on the second day, with a bold choice of colours for the groom, but indeed it looks fantabulous on him. pink and green do go together very well. the challenge was dressing Zan up in the morning, and forming the all-important crossage on the kain samping. i am super proud to say, i did that flower, and i made it look good. haha. with help from people la, you know who you are. the mak andam did not even need to touch it up. haha.

the final change was for dinner. the couple took on a regal maroon javanese inspired garb, which really drew attention to them. the bling on them is enough to make 50 Cents look even cheaper - so says the mak andam. haha. and what a fitting way to end a most memorable event - with pomp and splendour.

Congrats again to the newly-weds!

abandonment

pride is when one thinks so highly of oneself, that one creates these expectations towards others. but that pride is ugly, and one feels that ugliness, when one realises that others don't think quite so highly of oneself.

so abandon that pride.
and all expectations will go with it.

the less one thinks "i don't deserve this kind of treatment", the more one becomes deserving in the eyes of the One.

abandoning that pride allows one to not feel for one's ego.
and when the ego is diminished, the easier it is for one to disappear in His Glory.

then disappear.

just venting

when you call, sekurang-kurangnya nizar layan baik-baik. kalau nizar tahu nizar tak mampu, nizar tak akan jawab. why did you bother answering if you felt i was a bother?

ragam orang. nak sedih, nak marah pun tak guna, sebab yang merasa cuma diri sendiri.
ye lah, orang sibuk. nizar mengganggu. salah diri sendiri.

of humility and sincerity

my grandfather is not well. he's been in the hospital for the past 2 weeks. and as is common with the elderly once they spend a longer time than is expected at the hospital, confusion and disorientation can set in. and the impact of such a state can be very painful to see, especially for family members.

it is humbling to see how when that privilege of cognizance is taken away, one is little more than a shadow of one's previous self. for my grandpa, it upset me tremendously to see him in that state. some of the things he said to me were enough to rend me apart, and i am still affected by it. while i understood that he was in a disabled state of mind, i still could not dissociate myself from feeling that when he said what he did, he meant it. his anger and frustration were more than evident.

and i glimpsed the pain that caregivers go through - my mother, aunties and uncles - and families of my patients, and can only begin to truly comprehend the sincerity that goes into caring for someone. "treat in fairness, but do not expect to be treated so" - how strongly these words rang in my head. as my grandfather railed at me for not letting him come off the bed, all i could do was to look at him, and say no. and despite the things that happened, i could not just go off and leave him to his affairs.

i remember the times past when my grandfather was better.
when he was the doting father figure for all his grandchildren who stayed with him.
i want my memory of him to remain as that.

i pray you recover soon, that we will be able to talk about your life as we did before.

nerina pallot - idaho

Cause I can’t be anyone but me, anyone but me

And I can’t keep dreaming that I’m free, dreaming that I’m free

I don’t want to fall asleep and watch my life from fifty feet

My hands are on the wheel so I’m driving to Idaho

Cause I hear it’s mighty pretty...

passion

" The moth forgets about itself as it yearns for the light,
knowing no fear and feeling no heat from the bright light of the lamp.
It strives toward the light,
singing its wings,
but continues to strive with all its being."

- Silence of the Sufi

qaisy dan laila

am waiting to see this show on tv. hope i dun miss it.
in any case, i love the song. its called "warkah buat laila" or "letter for laila".

"Doakanlah Laila, doakan untuk ku dan yang senasib dengan ku
Agar kebenaran kembali dijulang
Sabar redha bertawakkal pada hikmah kalimah
Lailahaillallah Muhammadar Rasulullah"

serving the servants... for the love of the Lover

the hoopoe left me a very moving comment two posts ago, and i am just bringing it up again here because sheer coincidence or not, i bought a book immediately the day after that spoke of the exact same thing. and i felt that it was something that was inevitably fated for me to hear and learn. so i put it here for everyone else as well.

the hoopoe:
"...establish your "rope with mankind" - cos being a muslim is not just about worship really. get out of that mindset that prevents and confused so many muslim from being true to our existence (and i am not even talking about the self), and perhaps, even to God. don't get trapped in the illusion that you are good to God via your worship - He does not need that. you need to be good to His creations to truly know Him and to reach Him..."

from the book, "The Silence of the Sufis":
"If a Muslim desires to render service unto another, honour him! - say the shaikhs. For service to another is the reason for God's acceptance of hearts and the condition for crossing over to zikr and muraqabah... The result of rendering service is love and the attachment of hearts, because service is by its very nature based upon love for those who are more deserving of it... in accordance with the scale of the love you demonstrate to others, the Most High's love will come to you in return."

Amin. Amin. Amin.

May Allah continually guide those who seek His Love.
and thank you again, hoopoe.

rindu

nizar rindu.

in memoriam of the sweet lady

got this message a few days ago.

"Hi Nizar, just want to thank you for all your help to rehabilitate my mother and lending her a listening ear. She got a stroke and passed away 10 days ago. You gave her much joy in being able to stand, and listening to her grievances, she enjoyed your visits very much. God has been gracious, she slipped into unconsciousness very fast, but we all miss her a lot. Thank you very much in lifting up her spirits."

one sometimes fails to realise the value of one's work, especially when caught up in the humdrums of life.

but i know why i do what i do.

raya yang hilang

"Bergema suara di pagi fajar

Mendayu irama takbir berlagu penuh syahdu

Oh sayang Syawal menjelma, tiada seindah yang sudah

Hanya keluhan pilu bermain di kalbu..."

suffice to say that perhaps things have changed. and that it saddens me greatly.

Eid Greetings to all

May our sins be expiated, like birds freed from their restraints,
And our rewards, proliferated, bountiful without constraints,

As the day is celebrated, free from malice and taint,

Our egos exonerated, to Him we reacquaint.

Minal aidin wal faizin wal maqbulin.

Forgive me my transgression against you, and have a blessed Eid with loved ones.