what we see

if you saw that message as a means of making up, i am sorry to inform you that its did not do that. if you took my reply as acknowledgement and acceptance of apology, unfortunately, all it was to me was a mere formality, nothing more.

cos i think i have had enough of seeing things as more than they are, seeing you as more than you are, giving you more than you deserve.

if it is all ok with you, then this shall become the status quo.
as it has been for the past months.

maybe then this time we will both have peace.
and somehow time will do what its meant to do.

selamat tinggal kekasih

hadirmu
bagaikan bayu
yang dihembuskan, dan hilang begitu...

wujudmu
bagaikan mimpi di malam waktu
dan bila sadar, dikau samar bak mega kelabu...

ertimu,
terlalu dalam, terlalu silam,
daku hanya mampu menyentuh wajahmu...

Ramadhan, Ramadhan,
jangan kau biarkan daku kecundang dalam pencarianku
jangan kau relakan daku sesal dengan kekuranganku
saksikanlah bagiku di Hari nanti, di Hari tiada dapat membantu...

Allah,
ketemukanku dengan Ramadhan sekali lagi
moga pada waktu itu, dapat ku munajatkan isi hati
moga di saat nanti, dapat ku nikmati kurniaMu bagi insan yang dhaif ini...

selamat tinggal kekasih, jangan kau lupakan aku.
selamat tinggal kekasih, moga dapat bertemu.
selamat tinggal kekasih, Ramadhan kau tetap di hatiku.

and so she comes to an end, the blessed month.
may we all gain some inayah and hidayah for our efforts this past month, insya Allah.

thank you all who have made this month so memorable, and who have assisted me to guide myself to a path of servitude, so that this month did not pass me by without care.

happy tonight

you know that low down feeling you get, when you miss someone very much, and then you don't know what's really happening with them, and they don't seem to want to contact you even? every contact is terse and unemotional... you know?

yah i was that. until tonight when i met the two of them.
and i know that its really nothing, except time taking us away from each other.

just being able to cajole with them brought my spirits up, way way up.

wanted to break fast at fig and olive at clifford centre, then found out it was closed.
then went to vivocity, but couldn't find parking.
so went to seah inn food court instead, and had thaksin beef noodles.
then walked to vivocity, and was wowed by the place. its really really really really huge.
then walked to harbourfront, and walked through a water fountain, and got ourselves wet. hahaha. 3 grown men, with nothing better to do, but get wet.
then wanted dessert, and walked further, and found a road-side ice cream vendor.
then went to al-azhar for a night cap.
then went home.

seeing them tomorrow again.
wee!

me happy tonight.

time check: 2 week over

flashed past me...
2nd week of attachments is already over.
technically, 5 more weeks to go (thank God for week-long HMDPs).

this week has been a week of ups and downs, and you can really see the tiredness and fatigue in me, if you bother to look. its good of course, because we sorta know our schedules already, and our workplan and expectations for the next five weeks to come. we are already planning and carrying out our intervention plans, and at the same time doing all sorts of documentations. and this week, out of 5 days, at least 3 of them were late days, meaning we had work to last us past official hours. i won't say that my supervisor is a slavedriver, but she really wants us to be able to handle loads similar to the full-time therapists there, and she is really giving us all the opportunity to do so, which i appreciate. but you know, still being students, sometimes things are a little bit overwhelming. so it still takes some time to get used to, which i hope i will be able to do satisfactorily by end of next week.

can you believe it, its going to be mid-eval soon.
but my sup already said that she is very satisfied with our work so far, and that she does not need my lecturer to pay us a visit, which is of course good news (cos if lecturers need to come, then it means big trouble). i really hope that i will be able to do well here... the kids are so cute, and they really deserve all that we can give them.

lifehouse - blind

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as you turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like is was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

debates second day

hehe.

erm, went to sleep and woke up from the previous 70-year old to a slightly more mature 26-year old man. and it showed in the debates today. the fourth round was held, and it was on some obscure topic like micro credit financing, which we really have no ideas what the world it was all about. but despite our unpreparedness, we actually managed to beat an NUS, NTU and SMU team (british parliamentary style debates, so there were 3 other teams in the whole debates session). and i really felt that my style and analysis has taken a positive step forward in this competition. and it felt good.

ya.

i am not acutely worried about the inter-polys coming up. cos somehow it seems that we wont really have much of a challenge, aside from the TP teams, which we feel, only needs us to be more informed and to brush up on manner. looking forward to that set too, but it will only happen in the end of the year... so no rush.

on that note, monday blues have already set in. so i would like to sign out.
must i go to work??

i cannot

what is so special about you that i need to maintain my relationship with you?
and how come i cannot stay angry at you... even if you are clearly in the wrong?
and why can you just be oblivious and careless and reckless and not feel what i feel?

why am i so weak, even against myself?

first official debates competition

just came back from my first true official inter-varsity-polytechnic debates competition.
i went there with a mind of a 24-year old, and have returned with the mind of a 70-year old demented. if you want to talk about exposing a debate noob to the actual world of debating, this would have been a seriously good time and place.

each debate i participated in shed so much more light on debating styles, and technique than my time in school. and i was flabbergasted at the sheer disparity between the polytechnic teams and the varsity teams. it is truly a different league, they and us.

but i am glad that i was forced to take part in this. it showed me my own weaknesses, and my strengths, and let me work on the areas which i am lacking in. that's really what the whole debates was for... to make me rise up to the mark that i have shown potential to reach.

haha. but fried brains are not really good for you, you know?

it's friday!

yeaps and week 1 of attachments is over.
7 more weeks to go.

you know, as i was taking the bus home this evening, i suddenly realised how therapeutic the ride home from one end to the next is. i realise that it was the one thing that i look forward to everytime i go home. i don't know if its just the lazy journey back after a long day at work, or is it something psychological - like i am moving away from a place i may not feel so secure at to a place i am most at home with, HOME.

i think its more the second reason. i love going home.

but that is of course not to say that my attachment has been hellish.
yes, my supervisor is beginning to pile on the work and expectations.
but at the same time, i find myself coping better than i had initially hoped.
i really think that it will be a truly challenging placement, but it will test my abilities in all aspects of OT quite well. i think my supervisor will make sure of that. and i need to fulfill my own aspirations too.

first week and i already have 5 children under my care. need to assess, plan and implement treatment sessions, and need to read up for information so that i can answer my supervisor's clinical reasoning questions. then need to ensure that everything i do is documented. really not gonna be easy... but i must do it. next week will be another week with more clients. haha...

kids are not easy to play with you know...

experience

of course i need to update on my attachments.
third day ended today. i think i am coping quite well.
been taking on more tasks already, and able to write into casenotes on the day itself, which is quite a feat, considering where i am.

of course, expectations from my sup are high, knowing her background, and knowing what she expects from a year 3 student. the first day with her was daunting enough. she wanted us to administer assessments which we were not even in the know of. stunned we were. haha. but then she was accepting when we explained that the syllabi of the year 2 and year 3 students were slightly different, and that our assessment module was not truly sufficient for us to be able to administer them. so she kindly showed us the assessments and re-took over the cases she had initially wanted to assign to us.

but it is really amazing to see her do her stuff.
you are just... wow. can i do that ever?

haha. and i say to myself, of course. give yourself 5 years. and you'll get there.
the eyes and hands of experience are for those who persevere.
and persevere i will.

steep learning curve ahead!

dualism of man

apparently we consist of a dual nature, the id-ego, and the superego.
and i am in constant conflict with these internal natures.
which is why i am constantly in upheaval.
and which is why my moods swings are legendary.

but on the last entry, my superego just decided to say that people are not all bad.
and that i should not be fatalistic.
but my id-ego says, go and do whatever you want.

so i gave in to it.
and the entry was it.

and this is my balancing with the superego.

yah. may not make sense to you. but who cares.

call

i dunno why i attach so much meaning to it.
cos i know partly its me thats hoping and expecting.
and you just dun see me that way.

you give a call, and you just simply use me.
and that's it.
blardy insulting la.
not to mention just rude.

and i don't know why i even bother taking it all in.
i don't need this.

of all people i had hoped that you would be more sensitive.
but i guessed wrong. you are you.

malas ah. kasih tak dihargai.

first day at clinics

no supervisors.
no nothing.

just pure me and tricia and the place.
haha.

not good for us, but we made good the time there. as best as we could.
hope tomorrow is a better day for us, once our supervisor comes in and shows us the clients.

iftar

so went to breeks today with taufiq.
then met hanna and adib... two long lost and dearly beloved people.
and caught with the gossip. so mintak maaf sesiapa yang digossipkan. i call it asking after you with concern.

and by His Blessings, the breeks iftar was only $2.63 when the original bill was $42.
alhamdulillah.

then went to al-falah for maghrib. i told taufiq beforehand that i hoped that we will see ahmad.
(ahmad by the way is the brother of taufiq's saudi acquaintance whom he met at a medical conference. but ahmad is the epitome of goodness and purity, and you just cannot help but respect his sincerity and simplicity. and he grew on me from the first meeting.) then taufiq said if i really wanted to meet him, i should just call him. then i told taufiq that i believed that if we were meant to meet, He would arrange for it. i strongly believed in the concept of Him gifting me with my friends, and all the people i meet.

and lo and behold, right before isya', ahmad appeared. and my heart melted. alhamdulillah, He decided to gift me tonight with the sight of a beloved. and i was thankful for that simple yet utterly meaningful hadiah.

so today was not a wasted day at all.

i am happy.

fin... NOT

its over... hell week is over!
wee!!

erm. actually now that its over, hell week seems not so hellish after all.
the papers were manageable, now that i am standing after them...

and i just got one of the results... the practical exam on the sensory dysfunction... if you remember me whining about it... well, i got an A for it. haha.

now that exams are over, what seems more daunting is the next set of obstacles: 8 weeks of clinical attachments + fyp data collection.

now this will be something to juggle. not to mention that i will have my stupid debates to manage on top of it all. why did i ever say i wanted to help out? prominence breeds personal grievances. kalau tak bagus, salah. bagus pun salah. macam mana nak hidup?

not the end yet... won't be the end yet... will never be the end... till the end.
then we reach a new beginning.

second to the last

play and school is finally over.
let me just give you an example of the madness.

question one was almost worth 5o marks.

madness.

i was again rushing against time.

but managed to make it just in time.

did i tell you i broke down while revising for this? i did.

that bad huh? yups.

onto final jump now. then clinicals. i want my break. i will fall sick else. sigh.

one song that nura sang

the harmony done by nura and jonathan were just heavenly.

I'll sing it one last time for you

Then we really have to go

You've been the only thing that's right

In all I've done

And I can barely look at you

But every single time I do

I know we'll make it anywhere

Away from here

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes

Makes it so hard not to cry

And as we say our long goodbye

I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower

We don't have time for that

All I want is to find an easier way

To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear

We're bound to be afraid

Even if it's just for a few days

Making up for all this mess

run - snow patrol

muse

went over to the esplanade library cafe to see nura perform today.
it was a small crowd... intimate and cosy...

and nura was brilliant.
people commented that they could not attach the voice to the face, which to me is the ultimate compliment. they said she was unassuming, true and just pure... voice.

can you imagine?

sigh.

makes me want to try to sing in front of people too.
but maybe not quite up to it yet.
my vocal control is not that good...
but i definitely think i can sing better than some of the mats who were there... haha.

back to revision.

sociology of work and organisations and... NAMES?

the paper this morning was not too hard. could manage the questions that were set.
except of course, the insane need to remember who came up with what theories. haha. some of the names were not even in the manual. unfair testing again. but despite the written diarrhoea and risking cramps in the hand, i actually ended 20 minutes before time, and could laugh at myself. i think i am weird when in the exam hall.

the next paper will be the killer.
play and school. now this lecturer knows what she is doing, but when she teaches, she does it uni style. self-study and research. so who knows what questions she will set for the paper tomorrow. only thing to do is mug like mad, then see how things turn out. i just hope i can do her theory questions... cos i am never too good with all these theory-memory work. dun wanna go blank during the paper... haha.

sheesh.

mom is going for MRI tomorrow to check the headaches. hope its nothing. then i will do tension headache management for her.

pray for my mom's well-being k?

lesson of the second paper

lecturers are evil creatures.

they have one main purpose: to make you academic life miserable.

and they will go through all means and manners to ensure that they achieve their aims.

second paper was psychosocial dysfunction. as how i mentioned before, this paper is a weird one. because we don't know what to expect. and the lecturer also does not know what to test us on.
so what did she do? she tested us on every single thing. the main question may appear to be just asking about a specific condition, but the consequent questions, she asked on every other diagnosis that could possibly, even remotely, be related.

so it was only 4 questions, testing on 20 conditions, within one hour. ONLY.
schizophrenia leading to epilepsy leading to intellectual disability leading to depression leading to dementia leading to whatever else she could think of. and she tested on case studies which we covered in school, which i must say, was another prong of her evil trident.

i actually cramped while struggling to write within the time. for the first time ever.

and guess what? i want to be a lecturer too, so i can inflict such pleasureful pain on MY students. haha.

on other news: for attachments, going to tan tock seng neuro.

looking forward to that.

next paper: sociology of work and organisations.

maybe this is how i am feeling deep inside

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were, but I walked away

If only I knew what I know today

Ooh, oohI would hold you in my arms

I would take the pain away

Thank you for all you've done

Forgive all your mistakes

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To hear your voice again

Sometimes I wanna call you

But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit

Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss

And it's so hard to say goodbye

When it comes to this, oooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?

Would you help me understand?

Are you looking down upon me?

Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To have just one more chance

To look into your eyes

And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day

I would tell you how much that I've missed you

Since you've been away

Ooh, it's dangerous

It's so out of line

To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Hurt - Christina Aguilera

biomech payback

as i said... here is my mid day report on the first paper of the week.

format of paper:
30 MCQ (30 marks)
3 Short Answer Questions (90 marks)

of the 30 MCQ, i could only answer 16 of them confidently.
that leaves about half unanswered.

the 3 SAQs, one was on practical lab sessions, which we never in our lives thought were THAT important. 30 marks gone. the other two were so-so.

ya. i said i hated biomech. now biomech is gonna make me pay for that.

BUT... its a done paper.
next up: psychosocial dysfunction. the paper where you dunno what to expect, and the lecturer that set the paper is just as enigmatic - ancient-spiderwebs in the head for brains- kind of enigmatic.

URGH.

off to maple.

nausea

that sick feeling you get right in your gut, when you feel like emptying your insides until there is no more to retch out.

urgh.

that is what i am feeling right now. super nervous for my biomech paper. the past year paper that i have now is not really helping very much in terms of soothing my nerves. it is just pointing the way to the many things that i have yet to digest. but whats the point of digesting if all i am gonna do is retch it all out.

razak in his perverse logic said to me that nausea is good. it means that knowledge is seeping into the brain and pushing all the vomitus out. erm, i really do hope that my brain is not made of vomitus, abang. but the way it is now, having vomitus may be better than having nothing at all.

urgh... feel the bile.

wait for my mid-day report on how the paper went.

outs.

first jump

last friday was the first official paper of my exams.

glad to inform that it went pretty well... the case that we got was infiltrating ductal carcinoma, with radical right mastectomy, and development of lymphedema of the upper right extremity.
for the lay people - breast cancer, with removal of the right breast, and consequently, swelling of the right hand. quite a straightforward case, and even after the research, found that most of my interventions were quite spot on. so hurray for me.

tomorrow is the beginning of hell week. 5 straight days of papers, with no breaks in between.
and the opening paper is biomechanics, which unfortunately i am not too good in. but work we must. survive this week, then go straight into clinicals and data collection for FYP, which all in all, will just tear me apart like lions to the kill.

that is why i am hoping for some form of respite. but haven't heard any news yet. and fortunately or otherwise, i don't intend to make anything happen.

hmm.

this year's fast will be something new for everyone i think.
and of things to come, i shall not say.

"the night is my companion, and solitude my guide...
Would i spend forever here, and not be satisfied?"
- Possession, Sarah McLachlan