exams begin tomorrow

and tomorrow is no more than 5 minutes away.
i am a real doofus.
did not even pick up a book to study.
and this was supposed to be study week.
hahaha.

oh God.

i just hope i get through.

to move on when its time to

i had my sensory dysfunction practical exam just now. the lecturer had already warned us before hand, that many of the the failures of the past, used to have problems with this module specifically. so i was worried. and duly so, because i had missed one lesson of this module, and i never really caught up with the skill that i had missed in that one class.

i was quite the jitterbug as the time came for me to take the practical. you were alone, in that room. and two lecturers were there. one to observe, the other to behave as how the patient would. both would give their remarks to score the assessment after i was done. it began quite well, and i was not as nervous. but once it came to handling the lecturer, i began to fluster. i forgot to give cues when it was necessary, and i forgot to facilitate when it was necessary. i forgot all that i had learnt and attempted to internalise the past couple of weeks of intensive practice. i left that room today feeling most disturbed and disappointed.

and unfortunately, i blamed myself for not being able to do what i needed to do. and for somewhat fulfilling the trend.

and images of what i should have done, and what i could have done, keeps appearing in my head. and it is really not a good feeling to have.

but no point crying over spilt milk, as they would say. its over and done with. nothing i do will change anything. and somehow that just makes me more incensed.

but yah. move on when its time to. cos no point harping over something like this. all i can hope for is that the lecturer did see what i was trying to do, and that i was trying my best. i still have a whole week of exams to take. and i cannot afford to become consumed by my own engineering. so i must let go.

let go.

gain some, lose some

grey's gave a very typical but most moving depiction of the above adage.


this week's episode showed how everything moves in its own cycle, but the harmony is somehow maintained between all parties. meredith finally really broke off with derek, but in exchange, gained back george and got a hottie vet boyfriend. izzie gave up trying to cheer her patient, but in return got her man back. alex gave up waiting for other people, and saved a life in return. john cho gave an apology and expected to get beaten up, but he received forgiveness instead. the mother died, but the father received a child.


just makes you wonder and rethink your life again. how many times have we simply chosen to not look at what we have gained in return, and focus on all the losses in life? i think as humans, we are simply that. self-centred, and motivated primarily by self gain. and that is why, when things do not go our way, we go all out to show the supposed injustices that have happened to us, and we whine and wail about all that we do not agree with, or does not conform to our perception of having a good life. we simply disregard the many times that good things have happened to us, that we have been blessed with, just cos this one moment of displeasure or discomfort afflicts us.


i am not exempt. i think i am especially like this when it comes to relationships. i fatalise and catastrophise every single event that does not happen the way i want it to happen. every argument that takes place, is unfortunately, another statement of the end. and that is why i never seem to be really happy. and then what is worse, is that i top everything off with an "i am ok, i will get through this, i don't need you" comment... which works for the immediate duration after, but really kills me after i am through with my own invincibility fable.


point is, i need to be more happy about the things that i have going my way, rather than look at the dark side of life whenever i get down. and maybe then i will be able to find strength, true strength, from myself. and maybe then i will be able to define myself for who i really am. and then i would have gained more than i lost.

living someone else's dream

i am tired of people telling me that i should do this, and not do that.
join this, and join that.


is my life mine to lead, or yours to direct?


it is just absolutely irritating when people make decisions for you, and think that just because you are younger than them, you will not object to these decisions. for crying out loud, we are living in the 21st century, get a life! how you lived your life in your past is seriously, SERIOUSLY not the same as how we are living ours now. i have my own set of commitments, which leave me with little time for myself. and yet there you are trying to stuff down my throat what you think i should be doing with my time, with little regard to what i feel or whether i have any interests at all in whatever you are thinking of spoonfeeding me.


and just because you are an elder, you think that by all accounts your way is right.


fortunately for me, i am more discerning and assertive than you thought i would be. you think that i would take that path that you wished you had taken yourself. you wished that i would be a pawn in your life, something that you can say, hey i helped put him there. you wish for others to be so much more like you, cos you think you are the most righteous man alive just because you serve in the mosque.


puh-lease.


don't play the i-am-holier-than-thou card with me. it just doesn't work, especially when it comes from someone like you. don't try your sales pitch with me, because i really don't agree with your methodologies. and don't try to make me turn into you, because frankly, i don't think you are anything much to emulate.


live YOUR life the way you think it should be lived.


let me live MINE the way i want to live it. i have long given up the dreams of others to live my own. learn to respect that, and maybe there is still some saving grace for you.

ramadhan night two

its past midnight now. and i cannot sleep. haha. although there are many things that i can do to better use up the time, especially in this month, let me just pen some things that randomly cross my mind.


first of all, i love this new skin. gothic, mysterious, simple, and yet i can play with so many things for the html. haha. thats why i left the credit to the person who created this skin, cos really, he deserves it.


second thing that crossed my mind was about friends. was just watching this show "miami ink". showed five guys who were bestest of friends and who came together for the love of their trade: tattooing. and i think it was a repeat telecast... cos it was the episode when they all came together to open the shop, and all the teething problems came up. anyways, watching that show left me wondering if i did make any plans with anyones to have anything like that, anytime in the future. and whether that future that we had planned, in the eventuality, would turn out, or merely become a figment of the past. i think my perception of friends is skewed, in my own ways. i guess when it comes to companionship, i am a romantic. and i have to say that i think my perceptions of what friends should be like is really very influenced by "Friends", which coincidentally showed immediately after miami ink.


anyways, unfortunately for me, friends change. things change. everything changes. and my ring represents this. i know i am not very good with change. and i bought that ring to remind me of that. and that when at all everything moves along, i must learn to seek some respite in myself. and maybe sometimes, i am all i have. this is not to say that i am swearing off friends, of course i will never do that. but we all have our alone time. and we all need our alone time. and in some instances, we are truly alone. at least that is how i feel. no no i am not getting into another one of my depressive periods. introspection is not equal to depression, although it may lead to it. haha. but again, no, i am not depressed.


its really funny how i am coping at this instant, with all the changes and lack of contact that i have been experiencing. i have always hoped for the moment i can truly be detached from myself and all whom i have tied myself to, without feeling guilty that i am throwing away bonds which i have so painstakingly built. maybe i am moving on without me noticing. maybe i am just too distracted. maybe i choose to not care. maybe this. maybe that. ahaha. i am fast becoming incoherent.


i think everyone is moving away. so move as you must move. maybe you will find me here when you return, maybe you wont. let us leave all things now up to chance shall we? if fate decrees so, who are we to then say no?

on the first day of ramadhan

sometimes things just creep up on you and give you a surprise...
it was like that for me, let me tell you, for this ramadhan.


i was of the perception that ramadhan was going to begin on sunday night instead of saturday night... and i was rather unprepared to welcome it. that was why i questioned juni when her nick appeared to be miscalculating the number of days to ramadhan, and when my auntie asked if i was going for tarawih, i told her that it begins the day after...


then i read the papers, and it said, "fasting begins tomorrow"... then i visited MUIS' website... and the date read 1st ramadhan... and i was like...o'oh... was i so badly caught up in work that i could have absolutely misplaced ramadhan in my key priorities? i am of the mind that i did.


but it was all well... did what i needed to do. after maghrib i prepared myself to go to the mosque for the first tarawih prayers. always felt that it was more obligatory to go on the first day, to welcome the blessed month in congregation... and to try to go for more of the congregational prayers unlike how i have been the past ramadhans...


i think i was given a small gift at the mosque. to be able to observe beauty. i will leave it there.


but other reflections came in fast and furious. the imam misread some ayahs from simple surahs. i am not blaming him for it (even though he is an ustaz). the mistakes made by someone of his stature merely shows me that again, no one is infallible. even the best of us make mistakes. and this month is given as a respite to us, to make good all the wrong we have done in the past year, to cleanse ourselves from indulgences, and all in all, to make us humble in our ibadah. we need to seek rahmah(mercy), maghfirah(forgiveness) and freedom for the torments of the fire. there was a short sermon given after the tarawih session. that moved me quite a few times. realising my own shortcomings and limitations, the sermon extolled making ramadhan the stepping stone to a life better disciplined as a muslim. i know that i have not been such a good muslim the past year. and what was said, echoed my own sentiments and regrets.


somehow that sermon delivered on the first night drove home to me the point that there is a need to strive and make amends. make the fasting something more significant to you tha n merely attaining hunger and thirst and feeling week. strive to Him, and by His Grace, you might just achieve it.


insya Allah, i will do my best.


to those who still visit this asylum, blessed ramadhan to all.

for the sake of my absence

haha... what a title for a post.

but yes. i know that it really has been a while since i wrote. and despite saying that i was back in august, i did not write anything. till today at least.

well, the reason i chose to pen tonight, is because i know that i would be truly retreating into my own world pretty soon. if you all havent noticed yet, i already began.

just some brief updates then i suppose.

its 3rd year, the year when it all culminates. whether i become an OT or not truly depends on the outcome of this year. hence i have got to make things happen.

fyp will be a killer i tell you. i have been spending more time in school than at home, cos of this three letters. i have been lugging my lappie and what nots... transferring libraries of references of articles and journals and books, just so that i am ready and prepared. and yet, i am not.
my sup has a way of disarming you from all the preparations in the world. fyp = for you, pain.

that aside, the 3rd year modules are really heavy, requiring integration of work from years 1 and 2. the exams are due in 2 weeks, and i am seriously SERIOUSLY afraid that i would not be able to maintain my standards.

clinicals. wanted to go aussie, but too close to raya for comfortable departure. so i decided to postpone it for next year instead. hope i wont be challenged by the smart ones. haha.

as u can see, its all school now.

but i miss them friends of mine. unfortunately, time is not on my side. so all i can say to those who read this blog, i love you. drop me a message now and then to remind me of you. and to remind me that you are still around. i would need that human presence, to rid my baggage of academia.

*breathe*