happy today

many things happened.
and i don't really know why.
maybe you read my blog is it?

but in any case.

i am very happy today.
and i feel... loved.

and i thank you.

i know...

that i am getting irritating to some people.
and i apologise if somehow i have offended any of you.

but today i also sensed a change.
and i wonder... am i really that loathsome?

why did you agree to give me what i had asked for?
if i ask for it again, will i get it?
or have things changed so much, that i am no longer that important or needed?

was it because then, it was the probability of not meeting again?
or was that something that you do with all new relationships in order to "ensnare"?
because, truly, i thought that i had a special place.

but i guess not, right?

so the relationship is burning out. i am not imagining it.

yang lebih mulia

tetapi, di dalam bidang Sufi, sesungguhnya, seseorang yang dipergunakan itu lebih mulia daripada orang yang menggunakan. kerana orang yang dipergunakan memenuhi keperluan orang yang lain daripada dirinya, sementara orang yang menggunakan, memenuhi keperluan dirinya sendiri.

ditukil cerita Sufi agung, Abu Yazid Al-Bistami (q)...

Abu Yazid dalam kezuhudan perjalanan keruhaniannya telah diperintahkan untuk menjadi umpama bekas dimana segala keperluan warga desanya dipikulnya sendiri demi mencari keredhaan Allah. Begitu berat beban yang ditanggungnya, hingga pada suatu hari dia pun rebah akibat keletihan jasmani dan batini. warga desanya pun menghumbankannya di himpunan sampah, kerana dianggap sudah tidak bernyawa lagi. Mereka tidak kisah untuk menguruskannya atau menjaganya, meskipun Abu Yazid telah berkhidmat sepenuh hatinya untuk mereka.

Walhal, Allah Maha Pemurah, dan disebabkan kemurahan hati Abu Yazid dan kerelaannya untuk berkhidmat kepada orang ramai demi Allah, maka dia diberikan kedudukan yang cukup mulia dan istimewa disisi Allah.

khidmat yang ikhlas demi keperluan yang lain dari kita, dan diniatkan kepada Allah - cara yang baik untuk meniti jalan menuju ma'rifatullah.

moga aku diberikan kesabaran dan keikhlasan serupa dengan Abu Yazid (q) dalam aku meniti hidupku ini, lebih-lebih lagi di masa aku memberi khidmat kepada yang lain.

sebagai insan biasa

sebagai manusia, memang menjadi lumrah dalam perhubungan dua-hala, di mana kadangkala, kita dipergunakan, dan kadangkala, kita menggunakan. tetapi tidak semua yang rela dipergunakan, walaupun lazimnya, ramai yang lebih selesa menggunakan. pada amnya, kita tidak begitu menitik-beratkan sama ada kita memegang watak sebagai pengguna, atau yang diguna, lebih-lebih lagi jika perhubungan itu perhubungan yang kita anggap berharga. malah disebabkan tingginya nilai yang kita padankan dengan perhubungan itu, kita mungkin lebih rela untuk dipergunakan.

tetapi setiap orang mempunyai tahap ketegaan yang tertentu. dan mungkin ada masa-masa di mana seseorang menghadapi tekanan akibat memegang watak yang diguna. dan ini mungkin menyebabkan tergugatnya keseimbangan perhubungan itu.

mujur, kesudahan seperti ini dapat dielakkan dengan mudah sekali - memberi penghargaan melalui gaya dan tingkah, serta ucapan yang menggembirakan. walaupun orang yang diguna mungkin tidak memerlukannya, ini adalah salah sebuah adab perhubungan yang amat digalakkan, kerana ia menjamin kebahagiaan di antara semua pihak, dan kerelaan dalam pemberian.

khas buat cik betty

kindly perform these exercises, while practicing good breathing.

before you move into the pose, take a deep breath.

then as you move into the different postures, breath out.

when you assume the final posture, breath in and out, and hold the pose for 10-15 seconds each time.

other things you can do, get proper back support for when you are sitting, and lying down. may want to consider getting a lumbar belt to help support.

Images excerpted from

http://www.yogacards.com/images-4/asana-card1-L.jpg

http://www.yogacards.com/images-4/asana-card2-L.jpg

the urge to study

never thought that the want to get my degree would be so strong.

my educational aims changed drastically the past few months.

first, i thought that getting the degree was not so important.
hence i was aiming to gain my 2 years of working experience, and then go straight for the master-level degree.

and i was also aiming to complete my doctoral thesis in the field.

and then i was advised to get my basic degree, and then consider taking a masters in a related field, so that my portfolio would be more diverse, and that my value would increase not only in OT, but also in other health-related industries.

these would of course have to be done overseas.

and then the local off shore programme came up, providing a possible cheap avenue to get my degree - but we were advised not to jump onto the boat too soon. so i held back.

and suddenly, a new call came, citing possible certification processes in the near future that may require us all to have degrees to be able to practice in the country. and the whole dilemma starts again.

if i had to spend money, i want to make sure that its money well-spent. although there are many programmes, the choices available to us currently don't quite appeal to me... so i am still more keen to wait for better options...

but a degree's a degree. the money comes back after the degree is obtained. if there is no other value, then i must seriously consider the fact that a degree holder earns roughly $1k more than me. and frankly, that IS enough value. sigh.

and today i just got to know of a programme that may offer something even more, a degree with honours, and a double major deal. i have written in, and i hope that it comes back favourably.

and then the other problem comes, about the other classes which i have already signed up to take with friends. duniawi dikejarkan, ukhrawi ke mana?

i just hope that the right decisions are made.

as i lie awake.

In the still of the night…

Trembled the solitary soul
Hollowed by the experiences he has had to face
In this journey called life
Never once expecting what was to come, or
Knowing how things will turn out…

Weeping quietly,
Eternal tears.

Arraigned in robes of broken hopes
Rekindled, only to be
Extinguished, once more, and once again

For whom does he yearn,
A friend who takes him for who he is?
Loving in spite of flaws,
Listening to what is not said,
Instinctive and intuitive,
Not ever, ever taking him for granted
Graced by perfect manners, and guided.

Although, such is but a fantasy
Pierced by the harsh reality that is human
And what is human is never perfect
Ragged and rough, the edges of being…
That leaves the soul but shreds of… dreams, unachievable.

afterthoughts

did not go as well as i expected.
messy.
disjointed.
many things with loose ends untied.

Zmw gl hlnv vcgvmg rg uvvoh orpv kvlkov ziv mlg hvirlfh zylfg rg - vrgsvi gszg gsvb ziv xlmurwvmg gszg gsrmth droo gfim lfg dvoo, li gsvb ziv qfhg kozrm rmvckvirvmxvw. Yfg R hszoo hgroo slow nb glmtfv, yvxzfhv R szev gl. Qfhg wl dszg R szev gl wl gl gsv yvhg R xzm, zmw xlmgiryfgv dszg R xzm. 'Xlh ivzoob gszg rh zoo gszg R xzm wl.

incoherent?
i know. i feel just as messed up inside.
dunno what to feel, or what to think anymore.

bye bye to these people

farewell was due last week. but here goes anyways.

abdullah left for canada, moussa left for france, and nu'man left for hajj.

astaudi'ukumullaha dinakum, wa amanatakum, wa khawatimu 'amalakum.

fi amanillah ikhwani, wa ilal liqa'.

the art of restraint

It really is easy to get yourself all worked up.
And while there are sometimes legitimate causes to it, the degree of the response can be overwrought.

And the ego pushes you to build upon that response, inciting it with more and more negative energy, until you become blinded to the fact that it is really not a big deal.

Which is why the art of self-restraint is so necessary.

It was so hard holding my tongue just now, because I was so annoyed.
And it was hard not saying what I really felt like saying. Literally fighting with my self to shut up, even though I was straining inside to bring up the issue just because I wanted to be sarcastic.

Look at that, I just wanted to be able to express my sarcasm. And I had to fight to shut up.

"A servant unthinkingly says something pleasing to Allah Most High for which Allah raises him whole degrees. And a servant unthinkingly says something detested by Allah Most High for which he plunges into hell."

Astaghfirullah.

I think I have caused others enough pain with what I say.

I will be held accountable for what I do.

I better start being more aware, and to restrain myself.

May Allah grant me mercy.

In memory of the Singapore rowers

validation

everyone needs a little validation now and then.

in fact, life is one huge process of validation.
you act, someone acknowledges, and you respond further to that acknowledgment.

in itself, that is validation.
the affirmation that a certain action that you take has value to someone else.

validation is therefore important as a social reinforcer, and as a nurturer of what we deem as appropriate actions and responses. the importance of validation is seen in many social theories, and is a primary backbone to Erikson's psychosocial dissertation. people build themselves up from childhood all the way to adulthood through the process of positive and negative validations.

hence relationships, any relationships, are a product of some sort of validation process. constant validation is needed to ensure that all parties in the relationship are a part of, rather than apart from. consider working in a group, and you do a mass email. some reply and some don't. for those who replied, it is a direct signal and validation that they have processed the email (positive validation). for those who don't, you are not too sure if they feel strongly, or even have read the email (negative validation).

so we begin to see that in building relationships, validation remains crucial to ensuring the relationship works. many a times, we quarrel and disagree, because there is a lack of validation.
one party perceives a lack of affirmation, and based on certain social rules and norms, judges that situation to be uncharacteristic of a good relationship. cumulative effects from multiple incidents may result in a biased analysis, and cause disharmony.

point in note - everyone needs a little validation now and then. do not take things for granted.

last raya photo for the year

still not over it? ermmmm...

just one last one.

the 6th annual ri boys gathering at abu sufian's.

I think there are about 5 batches in the photo above. our record was a good 7 batches i think.

haha.

the story of layla and majnun

Follow Your Heart: The Story of Layla and Majnun

By J. T. Coker

Layla and Majnun have been characters for Sufi poets, as Krishna was for the poets of India. Majnun means absorption into a thought and Layla means the night of obscurity. The story is from beginning to end a teaching on the path of devotion, the experience of the soul in search of God. -- Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan

The story of Layla and Majnun is one of the most popular in the Islamic world, enduring in legends, tales, poems, songs, and epics from the Caucasus to Africa and from the Atlantic to the Indian Ocean. Scholars find good reasons to believe that the central character -- Qays, nicknamed Majnun (Madman) -- lived in northern Arabia in the second half of the seventh century, five hundred years before the poet Nizami. At the behest of the Transcaucasian chieftain Shervanshah, Nizami collected many of the widely dispersed traditional versions and wove them into his great narrative poem.

No one knows the number of translations of Nizami's work in the many languages encompassed by Islamic religious culture, but at least forty Persian and thirteen Turkish versions are known, and one scholar states that there are actually over a hundred versions in those two languages alone. An English translation appeared in 1836 which relied on an incomplete text with later additions by lesser poets (this text was used by Eric Clapton in the late 1970s for certain lyrics on his recording Layla and Other Love Songs). The translation by Dr. Rudolf Gelpke [The Story of Layla and Majnun by Nizami, trans. and ed. by Dr. Rudolf Gelpke, English version in collaboration with E. Mattin and G. Hill, Omega Publications, New Lebanon, NY, 1997; all page references are to this edition] published originally in 1966, offers insights into medieval Arabic culture and mores. Though cast in prose, poetry lovers will catch fulfilling glimpses of Nizami's poetic and mystic genius. Moreover, the Omega edition includes the work's final chapter, translated by Zia Inayat Khan and Omid Safi.

The story begins with the Sayyid, a man of wealth, power, and prestige, desiring a son and heir. He importunes Allah, who grants his request. The beauty of his son Qays "grew to perfection. As a ray of light penetrates the water, so the jewel of love shone through the veil of his body." At the age of ten, Qays goes to school and meets his kismet/fate, Layla. "Does not 'Layl' mean 'night' in Arabic? And dark as the night was the color of her hair." Love struck them both; others noticed, tongues wagged, and Qays first tastes bitterness. He refrains from seeing her, but his heart breaks and he begins to slip into melancholy. Layla's tribe, to protect her (and their) honor, deny her right to see him, and he falls into madness: "A madman he became -- but at the same time a poet, the harp of his love and of his pain."

In time Majnun runs away into the wilderness, becoming unkempt, not knowing good from evil. His father takes him on pilgrimage to Mecca, to seek God's help in freeing him, but Majnun strikes the Kaaba and cries "none of my days shall ever be free of this pain. Let me love, oh my God, love for love's sake, and make my love a hundred times as great as it was and is!" He continues to wander "like a drunken lion," chanting poems of Layla's beauty and his love. Many come to hear him. Some write down the poems he spontaneously speaks.

Meanwhile, Layla holds their love quietly so none will know she lived between the water of her tears and the fire of her love, . . .

Yet her lover's voice reached her. Was he not a poet? No tent curtain was woven so closely as to keep out his poems. Every child from the bazaar was singing his verses; every passer-by was humming one of his love-songs, bringing Layla a message from her beloved . . .
Refusing suitors, she writes answers to his poems and casts them to the wind.

It happened often that someone found one of these little papers, and guessed the hidden meaning, realizing for whom they were intended. Sometimes he would go to Majnun hoping to hear, as a reward, some of the poems which had become so popular. . . .

Thus many a melody passed to and fro between the two nightingales, drunk with their passion.

Eventually Layla is married to another, but refuses conjugality. Being in love, her husband accepts her condition of an outward marriage only. Majnun learns of the marriage and of her faithfulness. Neither his father nor his mother, when near death, can induce him to return to his people. Wild animals, loving rather than fearing him, congregate in his presence, protecting him. One night Majnun prays to Allah, thanking Him for making him the pure soul he now is and asking God's grace. He sleeps, and in his dream a miraculous tree springs from the desert, from which a bird drops a magic jewel onto his head, like a diadem.

An old man, Zayd, helps Layla and Majnun to exchange letters and finally to meet, though she cannot approach him closer than ten paces. Majnun spontaneously recites love poetry to her, and at dawn they go their separate ways.

Nizami asks:
"For how long then do you want to deceive yourself? For how long will you refuse to see yourself as you are and as you will be? Each grain of sand takes its own length and breadth as the measure of the world; yet, beside a mountain range it is as nothing. You yourself are the grain of sand; you are your own prisoner. Break your cage, break free from yourself, free from humanity; learn that what you thought was real is not so in reality. Follow Nizami: burn but your own treasure, like a candle -- then the world, your sovereign, will become your slave."

After the death of Layla's husband, she openly mourns her love for Majnun, and dies shortly thereafter. Majnun hears of her death and, mad with grief, repeatedly visits her tomb. He dies and is buried beside his beloved.

In a dream, Zayd, who tends their joint grave, has a vision of them in paradise, where an ancient soul tells him:

"These two friends are one, eternal companions. He is Majnun, the king of the world in right action. And she is Layla, the moon among idols in compassion. In the world, like unpierced rubies they treasured their fidelity affectionately, but found no rest and could not attain their heart's desire. Here they suffer grief no more. So it will be until eternity. Whoever endures suffering and forebears in that world will be joyous and exalted in this world."

On waking Zayd realized that:

"Whoever would find a place in that world must tread on the lusts of this world. This world is dust and is perishable. That world is pure and eternal. . . . Commit yourself to love's sanctuary and at once find freedom from your ego. Fly in love as an arrow towards its target. Love loosens the knots of being, love is liberation from the vortex of egotism. In love, every cup of sorrow which bites into the soul gives it new life. Many a draft bitter as poison has become in love delicious. . . . However agonizing the experience, if it is for love it is well."

So ends Nizami's poetic narrative of the story of Layla and Majnun, but to really appreciate and understand this work, it needs to be read, and savored, in full. Is their story a medieval soap opera of epic proportions? It is, if that's what your heart hears. Is it a cautionary tale inculcating acceptance of earthly injustice and suffering in the Islamic faithful, who will be rewarded in the great by-and-by? It will surely serve, if that's your concern. Is Majnun "Man" and Layla "Soul," suffering because denied union while bounded by flesh? Yes, if your concern, your love, leads you to hear it that way. Is it an allegorical Sufi text, instructing seekers in practical means for awakening to the supernal reality of their true, spiritual nature? Only our hearts know for sure -- Nizami bids us follow them.

(From Sunrise magazine, June/July 2000; copyright © 2000 Theosophical University Press)
from: http://www.theosophy-nw.org/theosnw/world/mideast/mi-jcok.htm

in the words of mother theresa

I have found the paradox

That if I love until it hurts,

Then there is no hurt,

Only more love.

exercising my right to a fair treatment

all i would like to say is that, i have had enough of being used and made use of.
all these while, it has really been me giving others the benefit of the doubt, or coming up with reasonable excuses to explain their behaviour. and then giving myself reason to continue contributing.

i have had to be patient, considerate, empathetic and understanding.

but no one gives two hoots about how things are on my side, how i feel being on this end of the line.

that was my retaliation, if you did not know.
i was just exercising my right to being treated as fairly as i feel i should.

i am a person too.
i hate it when people diminish the value of my love for them, by taking me for granted.
and i hate it when my love for them diminishes, when i know they take me for granted.

for the record

we know what has happened and what is happening.

and frankly i pity both.

for sure i can ask that she be alleviated from her suffering. and i have.
and i can also ask that the cruel be given a fitting retribute.

but it appears that the cruel is far weaker than the one being oppressed.
and this is not clear to the one oppressing.

so rather than ask for a similar recompense, i ask that she be given strength to stand up for herself.

and i also ask that he be given the strength to accept his own weaknesses and to stand up for himself, without depending on her.

i recalled the friday sermon today, and i remembered a hadith mentioned. and i felt that it was very fitting for the above situation.

It is narrated on the authority of Abu Musa Ash'ari: I asked the Messenger of Allah (peace be unto him) which (attribute) of Islam is more excellent. Upon this he (pbuh) remarked: One in which the Muslims are safe, protected from the tongue and hand of (other Muslims).

I just pray that this situation improves, and that both become free from their respective shackles that bind them to a doomed course.

as logical as it is.

its not quite a good feeling being who i am.
and knowing the things i do.
because i am able to justify things for everyone else.

there is always a logical reason, always a pseudo-excuse to cover up and explain the actions of others.

"of course people won't pay much attention to you. they have so many other things to think about, to plan for. their lives move ahead even when yours remain stagnated you know. you don't have to think about these things because you are still uncommitted, unbirdled and unfettered by the demands that press others into motion, things that need handling in this current time. yes nizar you are not the center of the universe, things do not orbit around you. people have priorities, and you have got to realise, you are not one of them. so can you blame them?"

yes i can.
because i don't think it takes much to make me feel needed or remembered.

selfish? i know.
but i couldn't care less.

just because there is a justification, does not mean that i will listen to reason.

to err is human, to forgive divine

so the saying goes.

that as humans, to make mistakes is but an entitlement we have.
for we are given wills, desires, ability to choose and take action, emotions... all of which influence the outcomes of our lives, and the circumstances we find ourselves in.

and to forgive is not even our place, because only the Creator has that right to forgive His creation.

we should not even contemplate holding a grudge, not even contemplate being angry, not even contemplate having to forgive someone, because we are not infallible ourselves. at another time, at another place, it might be us committing the very same deed which others commit towards us.

forgiveness should come as naturally as breathing.
forgiveness should flow like the day flows into night.

when a deed is committed, anger is but fleeting, and the thought to forgive should immediately be a consequent, and forgiveness and letting go from that point on.

it is hard to do.
really hard to do.
for a mere human like me.

on gratitude

Jalaluddin Rumi, discourse 48:

Gratitude is a hunting and a shackling of benefits. When you hear the voice of gratitude, you get ready to give more. When God loves a servant He afflicts him; if he endures with fortitude, he chooses him; if he is grateful, He elects him. Some men are grateful to God for His wrathfulness and some are grateful to Him for His graciousness. Each of the two classes is good; for gratitude is a sovereign antidote, changing wrath into grace. The intelligent and perfect man is he who is grateful for harsh treatment, both openly and in secret; for it is he whom God has elected. If God's will be the bottom reach of Hell, by gratitude His purpose is hastened.

For outward complaining is a diminution of inward complaining. Muhammad said, peace be upon him, 'I laugh as I slay.' That means, 'My laughing in the face of him who is harsh to me is a slaying of him.' The intention of laughter is gratitude in the place of complaining.

It is related that a certain Jew lived next door to one of the Companions of God's Messenger. This Jew lived in an upper room, whence descended into the Muslim's apartment all kinds of dirt and filth, the piddle of his children, the water his clothes were washed in. Yet the Muslim always thanked the Jew, and bade his family do the same. So things continued for eight years, until the Muslim died. Then the Jew entered his apartment, to condole with the family, and saw all the filth there, and how it issued from his upper room. So he realised what had happened during the past years, and was exceedingly sorry, and said to the Muslim's household, 'Why on earth didn't you tell me? Why did you always thank me? they replied, 'Our father used to bid us be grateful, and chided us against ceasing to be grateful.' So the Jew became a believer.


The mentioning of virtuous men
Encourages to virtue then,
Just as the minstrel with his song.
Urges the wine to pass along.


For this reason God has mentioned in the Koran His prophets and those of His servants who were righteous, and thanked them for what they did unto Him who is All-powerful and All-forgiving.

Gratitude for sucking the breast is a blessing. Though the breast be full, until you suck it the milk does not flow.

Someone asked: What is the cause of ingratitude, and what is that prevents gratitude?

The Master answered: The preventer of gratitude is inordinate greed. For whatever a man may get, he was greedy for more than that. It was inordinate greed that impelled him to that, so that when he got less than what he had set his heart upon his greed prevented him from being grateful. So he was heedless of his own defect, and heedless also of the defect and adulteration of the coin he proffered.

Raw and inordinate greed is like eating raw fruit and raw bread and raw meat; inevitably it generates sickness and begets ingratitude. When a man realises that he has eaten something unwholesome, a purge becomes necessary. God most High in His wisdom makes him suffer through ingratitude so that he may be purged and rid of that corrupt conceit, lest that one sickness become a hundred sicknesses.


"And we tried them with good things and evil,
that haply they should return."


That is to say: We made provision for them from whence they had never reckoned, namely the unseen world, so that their gaze shrinks form beholding the secondary causes, which are as it were partners to God. It was in this sense that Abú Yazid said, 'Lord, I have never associated any with Thee.' God most High said, 'O Abú Yazid, not even on the night of the milk? You said one night, "The milk has done me harm." It is I who do harm, and benefit.' Abú Yazid has looked at the secondary cause, so that God reckoned him a polytheist and said, 'It is I do harm, after the milk and before the milk; but I made the milk for a sin, and the harm for a correction such as a teacher administers.'

When the teacher says, 'Don't eat the fruit,' and the pupils eats it, and the teacher beats him on the sole of his foot, it is not right for the pupil to say, 'I ate the fruit and it hurt my foot.' On this basis, whoso preserves his tongue from ascribing partners to God, God undertakes to cleanse his spirit of the weeds of polytheism. A little with God is much.

The difference between giving praise and giving thanks is that thanks are given for benefits received. One does not say, 'I gave thanks to him for his beauty and his bravery.' Praisegiving is more general.

in response to your sms: a prayer

O God!

I ask you,

By Your knowledge of the Unseen,

And Your control over the creation:

Give me life as long as You know that life is best for me,

And take me when death is best for me.

O God!

I also ask of You fear of You, in secret and in open;

I ask of You the word of Truth and justice in anger and in pleasure;

I ask of You moderation in poverty and affluence;

I ask of You joy which does not fade;

I ask of You pleasure which does not pass away, nor that which ceases;

I ask of You contentment with Your decree;

I ask of You coolness of life after death;

I ask of You the delight of looking towards Your Face;

And I ask of You eagerness towards meeting You, not in harmful adversity, nor in misleading afflictions.

O God!

Adorn us with the decoration of faith, and make us those who guide and are guided.

of friendship

"Never underestimate the power and beauty of love in friendship, for in friendship can be found many things. The first is an unconditional acceptance - flaws and perfections live side by side and may be judged equally and equally disregarded. There may also be found an understanding - understanding that allows us to be who we are and who we will be - and who we need to be at that moment on our chosen pathway. There is a freedom within the love of friendship that allows us to simply 'be'. Friendship discovered to be true and therefore loving is precious, gentle and kind. There is give and take on both sides and friendship must be a partnership. Sometimes a true friend will step back, yet they will always be there. If we have an equal partnership we will accept this, knowing that our friend is still there, ready if we need them as we are for them. So it is with spirit. We are here, accepting unconditionally, supporting when support is needed, stepping back as needed to allow freedom of development of spirit and therefore spiritual progression. Our friendship, as with any other friendship, is unconditional, unwavering and timeless.

In a friendship there can be found a love that blossoms, helps us grow, nourishes and nurtures us so that we feel valued and loved, cared for and needed - we know that if we are needed we are loved - for it is as important to be needed as it is to have a friend when we need them. Again, it must be an equal partnership.

Often when love is lost it is because the friendship was lacking - for all based on love must first be based on friendship. Friendship lays the foundations for a strong and lasting relationship. In the roots of friendship can be found trust, strength, companionship and tolerance. These too are the foundations of a true and lasting relationship between two people.

For true and pure friendship we can do no better than to follow the example of a child. A child's friendship knows no boundaries and does not measure worth as wealth, colour, creed or belief. It knows only laughter, fun, happiness and freedom. In true friendship can be found hope, faith and expression.

All in love is friendship and all in friendship is love."

Quoted from Spirit-Path

it takes two hands to clap, doesn't it? but i feel no motivation for reasons i will not say.

maybe we have reached that stage where it doesn't matter that we don't talk anymore. because some things are just taken for granted right?

but from where i am, its just the beginning of the end.

but then again, its not that you see it the way i do, or bother to see it the way i do.

PDAs

i pride myself in loving my friends.
and i pride myself in not being ashamed of showing people how i feel.
and especially when it comes to those whom i love, hugs are just commonplace.

for those who are especially especially loved, i humble myself before them even more, even if they are younger than me.

but i think some people tak suka.
kadang-kadang kasi muka. tapi actually tak suka.

but what i do is simply an expression of my deep attachment to you.
but again, if you do not like it, tell me, as some have. and i will try to stop.
try.

although i hope you won't.
because to some extent, it would be to me a refutation of the love i feel.
and there is hurt.

to the blazes with my diet

thursday: carousel
friday: fish and co.
saturday: 8 houses for raya - each with food.
sunday: open house, and 3 houses for raya - each with food.

tak makan, orang kata sombong, tak sudi.
makan lah makan.

of age and naivete

not that i am harping on the issue, for those who know. just that i did want to write about it but just never got around to writing.

and so we went out that day.
and i was already jittery about the fiscal issues.

she came, met the one she intended to, and said she wanted to leave.

but she did not.

instead, she went to "survey" the place.
and came back with a plate of food.

and i was like *gasp*

i did not know if she was aware of what she was doing.
or that she was just being amazingly uncultured.

and she repeated the above twice.

i mean, we already extended an invitation to sit down and eat with us.
you said no.
but you still went to take the food.

this was not an open house you know.
this was a place of fine dining, where people were expected to conduct themselves with a certain level of etiquette. and there you were, your chirpy little self, acting oblivious to the demands of the place.

at least her companion had enough etiquette to refrain.

which is why the question begs itself: does the exuberance of youth exempt one from behaving in a civil manner?

in order not to feel any anger, i just attributed the whole incident to her being a naive little girl.
but i am still annoyed.

it's ok, she is still young... sheesh.

raya macam orang giler.

this year raya was mad. started from the first weekend after raya... and actually still haven't ended. and given that we have the whole month, who could blame us?

a million houses gone, and a million more to go.

but here are some memories of this year... for now. haha.

kiter-kiter nyer outing.

inspirez part 1

inspirez part 2

inspirez part 3

"fahmy's gathering"

juniors from nyp.

friends from camp.

the professionals.

its so easy...

to hurt someone.

by what you say, or choose not to say.
by what you do, or choose not to do.
by what you know, or choose not to know.

by who you are, or who you aren't.
by how you are, or how you aren't.

the littlest deeds, the simplest comments.
or the lack thereof.

and only those who go through it can know the pain it causes.

its unimaginable

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

Face down in the dirt she said, "this doesn't hurt,"
she says, "I finally had enough.."

i dedicate this song to you. and may God give you the strength and courage you need to step away and stand for yourself.

mad cap saturday

20th october. madness redefined.

events:

auntie's open house
sister's open house
2 friends' open house
ntu raya outing to 6 houses
inspirez mini raya outing
ri mini raya outing

all to happen within the span of 12 hours.

tell me how to do it.

haha.

started at abu's. abang din drove dad's car to fetch fathiah, dropped motor off at my place. at abu's met din adri adlin uan. then went to my sister's place, met alfi filzah fadiah there. then went to abang din's. met hafiz there. hafiz took over dad's car, dropped motor off at my place. abang din fetch his motor and left. went to uan's. met yanto there. party split into two - to adri's and junlin's. hafiz drove me uan fath to junlin's. met naz fifi fhar nisa and nas there. then junlin drove to ferhan's. met shah and ferhan. then off to shasha's. then went home. uan drove to his place, then hafiz drove to fath's and to mine. parked car, and he left for home.

cancelled appointment with 2 groups.

but it was all good.

despite the crazy schedule, the bulk of us maintained the sanity to complete the rounds. wee!

but it was crazy. i will endeavour to learn to say no. so that i don't get crazy.
and i feel sad about something. but only i will feel sad about it.

alone

Could it be just a passing thing…
This feeling inside… that once caused me to sing,
But now cold and empty, to every last strand of hope I cling…

Could it be just a silly thing…
That those actions I took to preserve that which I am still dreaming
But the reality of which leaves me grasping… at nothing.

Why did you once hold me, with such fervour and strength?
With such emotion and depth?
Or… was I merely mistaking what you were not thinking yourself?

Was I merely imagining that there was something… when in fact something was really only anything to my wanting self?

Last night, I could not feel you…
Even though I held you close.
Last night, as much as I needed you…
I knew it was someone else you wanted the most.

So love all I may, but that love is my own.
Because to you, I am nothing more than the fallen leaf, away by the wind, it is blown, alone.

selamat menyambut aidilfitri

selamat hari raya semua.

let this dream be true

had a good dream as i slept last night.
and all i can say was that there could not be anything more that i can ask for, if that dream were true. and how truly blessed it is to have come on the last night.

doakan mimpi nizar menjadi kenyataan.

last night of ramadhan

it came so suddenly, and about to leave just as unexpectedly.
may this Ramadhan be a blessing and expiation from the sins of the past, and may You permit me to meet another Ramadhan in the year ahead, Amin.

as i was heard this song, i suddenly realised how it related so much to my experience of Ramadhan this year. and how even in the most unexpected places, you hear prayers to the Almighty. this song is entitled Stand Inside Your Love, by the Smashing Pumpkins. And as i recalled the lyrics, i just thought about how it read to me, as a muslim in this blessed month.

"You and me...meant to be
Immutable, impossible
It's destiny, pure lunacy
Incalculable, insufferable"

This first verse spoke to me of the nature of the human soul, created in a state of fitrah, destined to seek a higher purpose of knowing the Almighty and to submit to His Greatness - a nature which cannot be changed, or denied, across the span of time and space.

The fitrah is the natural inclination to worship God alone, and it includes compliance with what God and His Messenger explained to be from the characteristics of fitrah. The acts of fitrah are specific features which God has created in man and found within his natural tendency to like as well as to dislike what contradicts these acts. The great Islamic scholar al-Sayyuti said: "The best explanation of fitrah is that it is the Sunnah (way) of all of the Prophets which is in agreement with (all of) the revealed Laws, indicating that it is a response to naturally created inclinations. In the Holy Quran, Almighty God, the Most High and Exalted, has identified the pure fitrah with which He created mankind:

"So set your purpose for religion as a man upright (hanifan) by nature (fitrah) - the nature (fitrah) framed by God, in which He created mankind. There is no altering (the Laws of ) the creation of God." (Holy Qur'an Chapter 30, Verse 30)

"But for the last time
You're everything that I want and ask for
You're all that I'd dreamed
Who wouldn't be the one You Love
Who wouldn't stand inside Your Love
Protected and the lover of "

The second verse reflects a dialogue between the 'abid and his Lord. In complete submission, and in true worship, what better prayer and wish can one have... than to be one who is in his Lord's Pleasure and Love, and receiving His Protection, on the day when no one else can protect save Him. and as i reflect this last night of Ramadhan, a blessed month where prayers are answered, it may be the last time that i may be allowed to make this cry to Him in this month, for who knows of my destiny...

"A pure soul and beautiful - you
Don't understand, don't feel me now
I will breathe for the both of us
Travel the world, traverse the skies
Your home is here within my heart"

According to Abu Hurairah, the Holy Messenger said:"God says, 'My servant becomes closer to Me by performing those deeds which are obligatory on him. And he gets close to Me through constant observance of optional (nafila) prayer until he becomes My beloved. When he becomes My beloved, I become his ears through which he hears, his eyes through which he sees, and his hand with which he holds, and his feet with which he walks." In repentance, in contemplation of creation, and in submission, the 'abid returns to his original self of fitrah and does not seek any other purpose aside from his Lord. And when the Lord accepts him in that state, the 'abid is fully provided for, for the Lord Sees to his every need and is well-pleased with his every deed.

"And for the first time
I feel as though I am reborn in my mind
Recast as child and mystic sage,
Who wouldn't be the one you love
Who wouldn't stand inside your love"

and the gift of ramadhan to the believer is the expiation of sins of the past, and state of rebirth, where the slate of actions is wiped clean. Narrated Abu Huraira (Volume 3, Book 31, Number 125): The Prophet said, "Whoever established prayers on the night of Qadr out of sincere faith and hoping for a reward from Allah, then all his previous sins will be forgiven; and whoever fasts in the month of Ramadan out of sincere faith, and hoping for a reward from Allah, then all his previous sins will be forgiven."

and for those whom have been blessed, the month also gives a state of heightened spiritual awareness, where the experience of ramadhan goes beyond just the physical realm, but allows the 'abid to understand and perceive the hidden hikmahs.

"And for the first time
I'm telling you how much I need and bleed for
Your every move and waking sound
In my time
I'll wrap my wire around your heart and your mind
You're mine forever now"

the 'abid becomes aware of how much he needs Ramadhan as a guide for his own journey towards his Lord, and how much Ramadhan has given him. The blessings of the month is worth more than all the luxuries in the world, where each deed is multiplied, by the Lord's grace. and the 'abid realises how his own weaknesses will draw him down in the time to come, when Ramadhan leaves him, and he cries for a firm resolution to be set upon his heart on this final night, that his weaknesses leave him, and that Ramadhan has made him a better person.

why i posted the previous 2 posts

nizar rasa nizar cukup bertuah.
kerana mendapat nikmat sahabat yang mengajak kepada kebaikan, dan sahabat yang menuntun kepada keredhaan Allah.

Alhamdulillah, merupakan ucapan yang penuh makna, yang cukup berat ertinya, memanjatkan syukur kepada Allah atas kelebihan yang diberikan. dan cukup sekadar Alhamdulillah, untuk menyampaikan isi hati yang tidak dapat digambarkan betapa gembiranya, dan perasaan betapa beruntungnya atas pemberian ini.

Alhamdulillah.

"Ya Allah, sesungguhnya Engkaulah yang Maha Mengetahui bahawa hati-hati (orang-orang yang dibayangkan) ini, telah berhimpun di atas dasar kecintaan terhadapmu, bertemu di atas ketaatan kepada-Mu, bersatu lagi memikul beban dakwah-Mu. Hati-hati ini telah mengikat persetiaan untuk menolong meninggikan syariat-Mu. Oleh itu, Ya Allah, Engkau perkukuhkan ikatannya dan Engkau kekalkan kemesraan mawaddah antara mereka. Tunjukkanlah kepada hati-hati ini akan jalan yang sebenar serta penuhkanlah piala hati-hati ini akan jalan yang sebenar serta penuhkanlah piala hati-hati ini dengan cahaya Rabbani-Mu yang tidak kunjung malap. Lapangkanlah hati sanubari ini dengan keimanan dan keindahan tawakal kepada-Mu. Hidup suburkanlah hati-hati ini dengan makrifat (pengenalan yang sebenarnya) tentang-Mu. (Jika Engkau takdirkan kami mati) maka matikanlah hati-hati ini sebagai para syuhada dalam perjuangan agama-Mu. Sesungguhnya Engkau sebaik-baik pelindung dan sebaik-baik penolong. Ya Allah perkenankanlah doa kami".

dan sesungguhkan, nizar amat sayang dan cinta kepada kalian semua. Moga Allah sentiasa merahmati persahabatan kami, dan memberi kami inayah dan barakah di masa mana kami bertemu mahupun tidak. Dan moga dalam ingatan itu, Allah memberi pengampunan dan menambahkan kasih sayang antara kami semua. Amin.

another commentary

Hafidh Ibn Katheer, commenting on a verse, relates a story on the authority of Ali Ibn Abi Talib (r.a.):

Two who are friends for Allah's sake; one of them dies and is given good news that he will be granted al-Jannah, so he remembered his friend and he supplicated for him, saying: O Allah, my friend used to command me to obey You and to obey Your Prophet (s.a.w.) and used to command me to do good and to forbid me from doing evil. And he told me that I will meet You. O Allah, do not let him go astray after me, until you show him what you have just shown me, until You are satisfied with him, just like You are satisfied with me." So he is told: "Had you known what is (written) for you friend, would you have laughed a lot and cried a little." Then his friend dies and their souls are gathered, and both are asked to express their opinions about each other. So each one of them says to his friend: you were the best brother, the best companion and the best friend."

The Blacksmith and the Perfumery

On the authority of Abu Musa al-Ash'ari (ra), the Prophet (pbuh) said:

"The likeness of a righteous friend and an evil friend, is the likeness of a (musk) perfume seller and a blacksmith. As for the perfume seller, he may either bestow something on you, or you may purchase something from him, or you may benefit from his sweet smell. And as for the blacksmith, he may either burn your clothes, or you may be exposed to his awful smell."
[Bukhari and Muslim]

rivermaya - you'll be safe here

knowing me, knowing you

i think i had a post with a similar title a long time ago.
can't remember what it was about, but i think it ran along the lines of knowing people for who they are.

yesterday juni asked me if i ever thought that i did not know people enough.
on second thoughts, maybe i don't know people enough, but it is just that i do not perceive it.

in actuality, the scenario calls for interaction from both parties involved.
the knower and the knowee.
it is easier said than done, this whole getting to know each other better.
there are various levels of information that one may share with another person.
sometimes the information is readily shared, and sometimes the information has to be sussed out.

and it really depends on the level of comfort that you have with the other party, and how significant the other party is to you, and how significant you are to the other party.

i remember having had deep conversations with some people, lasting into the wee hours of the morning. for some of them, the relationships between us grew tremendously, but yet for some of them, the relationships have somehow waned.

it is not a one-off instance that makes you know a person. it is seeing them in all their nuances, environments, good and bad times - and it is not merely seeing or being a passive observer, it is about being a part of their lives that will make you know a person.

a further response to your question then, juni, would be that for those whom i dearly care for, i do make the effort to get to know them. to meet those whom they consider dear to themselves, and to know what drives them and what disses them, to be with them when times are good or tough, to see them cry, laugh, scream, despair, rage... and at all of this, i want to be a part of whatever happens.

and then i begin to love them, and everything else falls into place.

past mid-month.

coming close to the 20th day of fasting. so far so good.
some trips along the path, but generally maintaining well.

went out with the inspirez peeps for a breakfast last tuesday at amirah's grill.
it was really nice seeing everyone back together. a few people were missing with apologies, but that did not matter, cos they were there in spirit. and glad to know that our spirit as a group was still going on strong, with the plans to go out jalan raya, and to contribute to some social events as a team. indeed, i am so proud of us. keep it up yea?

my busiest week at work so far with the standard 3 clients to see in a day. travelling really drains me physically, and financially - last transport claim for the month was $77 just for buses and trains. but it really feels good to be so busy and moving around, because sometimes the thought of going into the office really wilts me - not because there is work to do there, but because i am going to be stuck in front of the computer. haha. but work needs to be done, so i drag myself anyways.

A heard me talking about trying to save up, and thought that i did not have enough money. and made some remarks. not that i took offence, but even if i do not have enough, allow me the dignity to contribute what i can, please. but A is a really close friend, so i don't think he meant any harm in what he said. he just doesn't realise it sometimes. A also commented on how i managed the kids that day, and said that i could improve on how i handled their comments. well, sometimes i also don't realise what i say myself, so if i let anyone down, forgive me.

not perfect, not perfect.

on other issues.

Addah was warded for gall-stones, and is reportedly very weak. She is recuperating at TTSH, and i pray that she heals up properly. Pray for her health, those who know her.

Nazli apparently got a miracle when his knee (meniscus issues) sort of healed itself as he prayed terawih. such good news for him, and i am gladdened. Pray for his health too, those who know him.

All my babes will be facing their quizzes and mini-tests this coming weeks, as the break is over. Insya Allah you will all do well and get through this stressful 2-3 weeks, k?

and i was pleasantly surprised that someone tried to matchmake me.
haha. may Allah bless your efforts la mami jarum.
haha.

standing still

love this song.
just recalled it when i saw a friend's nick on msn.
and remembered how it called out to me.



"do you love me,
like i love you,
or am i standing still...?"

review of the past days...

so was sick.

then did not need to go work, cos of fear of implicating clients with compromised immunity.
and got the rest i so wanted for the past week. if i considered the weekends, then its 4 days straight of rest. which actually felt good. cos i think i will be refreshed. i hope, haha.
yeaps.


sat was juni's birthday.

happy birthday juni.
cos aizad said to wish you at 8.30am, i did not do so at the stroke of midnight. hence the super duper belated message. but still wished you anyways. and hope that you enjoyed the day with us, and may Allah bless you with the graces that you desire, and those that will benefit you.


and it was also another day out with the peeps.

this time round with the kassim peeps. the ones who went before just went straight for the food. 45 minutes to get from kassim to geylang, and then another full 40 minutes to queue and get the food, and to sit down and eat. everyone only came back around 11.45pm or so... haha. geylang is such madness. but food was good. so next time i go, i will only be left with the prawns and the kebaboms. my final foods that i have not managed to eat (given the amount of food we buy each time, it was prudent not to buy all that we could). well, at least it would be a reason to go down to geylang again. haha.

hik, whatever we talked about remains between us. amanah tau.

and i was touched by what was said. it appears that you are quite a loved person. you may just brush it aside... but really. i think that you have been blessed, cos not everyone receives love as you do. and somehow or rather, people compete for your attention. and in trying to please others, you sometimes find yourself needing to sacrifice other people. it is a hard position you are in. may Allah grant you the strength to bear with what others put you through, and the rewards for the intentions that you have.

sorry if ever things were made difficult by me.

and finally...

i have fallen sick.
urgh.

its a matter of getting my immune system back on track.
cos i have been meeting too many people who are unwell.

rest.

tired, and in need

i don't know why, but i have been feeling slightly lethargic at work the past week.
almost like i am utterly stretched out, when the truth is that i am not quite as worked out as i make myself out to be. days sometimes start late, and end early, but still i find myself not quite in the same element as i was when i initially started.

i hope that it is not burn-out.

it cannot be burn out, 'cos i still enjoy seeing my clients and working with them.

but maybe its the amount of associated work which i am not too keen on doing.
and also the other projects which i need to complete, but haven't really got around to them.

i have the ideas in my head, but to realise them, and to actualise the plans, well, all these take more time than i feel i have in hand. and sometimes, time spent in the office is really not one i look forward to, because it may mean that my plans may be encumbered.

i want to be able to work properly, and work through my clients thoroughly.
but at the current rate we are going, it seems like i am bounded by the idiocies of number-crunching administrators, over whom i have no control. and frankly, it sucks.

next quarter, it all begins over again.
and not something that i quite look forward to.

and it of course does not help that i am not in top physical form.
falling sick and feeling it, well, just drives my energy way low.

been wanting to take some time off to reorganise my work.
but because of the current load, it is a bit difficult to do that.
yes some may say that you got the time when you go home to do the necessary, but usually by the time i reach home, i am too unmotivated to work on work. 'cos travelling drains me.

sigh.

complaining a lot aren't i?
and its really barely 3 months, though it seems like it has been so much longer.

i guess these are just the rantings of a newbie in worklife.

i have not lost my reason.

i watched grey's today, despite being warned not to. show is such a tearjerker. they soooo know how to play on emotions. i got something from the show, though. why i choose to be in this line of work, and why i will continue to be in this line of work. the power of the human soul, to conquer in times of adversity, and the gift of adaptability and flexibility in face of diverse circumstances. i want to be a witness to that. and that's why i am still here.

first weekend

it was a nice first weekend.
and i actually enjoyed every minute of it.
despite not liking crowds at that place.
going with them made it so much more bearable.
and my diet just went to the blazes last night as well, with the amount of food we bought.
it was really a matter of letting the basic instincts lead you.
so much for control la.
but i guess it was ok la... not THAT bad.
we ate and drank and chatted till like past midnight.
and we did not miss terawih. so good on us.

but i felt a bit bad leaving, even though i knew there was some work to be done.
hikmah said i should join exco, 'cos i am committed. haha. sure.
but i guess the commitment may be wrong placed.
and i dunno if the sacrifices made will be perceived.
but that's really not for me to say.

anyways, on sacrifices, here's a touching music video.



hopeless romantic. yes i am.

ramadhan

the key word i will try to live by this fasting month is "istiqamah".

some narrations label it as consistency in performing your deeds, however small that deed is.
do not attempt to take on a task that eventually burdens you, and you leave it half-fulfilled. if you have made the decision to do a task, perform it whole-heartedly, and follow through till the end.

Shaykh, in his writings, defines it by its roots - "qum", to stand - and elaborates to define it as the standing up for what is right and should be done, and not faltering. "muraqabah" - vigilance, and "yaqazah" - self awareness, are two sub-traits that lead to the ability to have istiqamah.

i am not perfect, and there are many instances where i have picked up certain things, but then, due to my own weaknesses, i fail to follow through. as a result, i am a composite of broken pieces, but not one whole by myself. and because of that, my internal integrity is absent. and that can be very worrisome, because i lose track of who i am, what i want to become, and where my final destination is.

indeed i need to be more vigilant and aware of my own status, and why i do the things i do. and i must be aware of the greater Purpose of things, and if i am faltering and failing myself.

i seek Guidance from Him in this blessed month.

May we all be rewarded with His Pleasure for our endeavours.

hidden blessings

i did not initially intend to go for the gathering. because i already made prior plans.
but after Shaykh's advice, i decided to go.
because i shouldn't mope and be petty towards you.

but it was a decision with hidden blessings.

if i had not gone, i would not have met my cousin who is on a break from her England studies.
if i had not gone, i would not have met my friend who is finally back from Aussie.
if i had not gone, i would not have met my guardians who cheered me up loads.

if i had not gone, i would not have known if you had forgiven me, and that we were ok.
if i had not gone, i would not have had the opportunity to talk to you, and realise that you cared more than you show.

thankful indeed, i am.

to always do good, else intend to do good

i don't know if i have been selfish, egocentric or whatever. but the past few times, whenever i feel slighted, it was always that the world was set against me. and that nobody cared, and that nobody knew what i was going through.

and i set myself up to feel really angry and full of angst against whichever thing that made me begin to feel like that. and it is sometimes just so much easier to blame the predicaments i am in on others, and not because i am myself at fault, or certain aspects of me are not in harmony with others.

then Shaykh came and spoke to us about the weighing of one's deeds.

and what he said hit right home, as always.

"You may think that you have done good, that you have accumulated enough merit in life when you face your Lord. But when your good deeds have been fully accounted for, He will then call out for those whom you have oppressed, those whom you have hurt, those whom you have offended, those whom you have hated unrightfully, those whom you have felt angry against unrightfully... all these people will then be given shares from your deeds in compensation for your misdeeds against them, until there are no more deeds to give away, then shares from their sins will be added onto your own in replacement. So beware of yourself, and your own nature, because those who face this situation in the Hereafter are truly without assets."

i don't know how many people i have hurt in my life, either knowingly or unknowingly.
i don't know how many people i have hated, although i know that the number is substantial.
i don't know how many people i have been angry at, at the slightest of offences.

i shudder to think about my status in this matter.

so i apologise beforehand to all who read my blog, just in case i have hurt you all.
because i don't think i can bear the burden of my own doings.

reasons to carry on

not suffering from burn out of course, no.
but just great moments in the career of choice, that cements the decision to step forward and carry on.

a client's sense of ability, that he can once again use his hands to comb his hair.
a client's sense of well-being, after completing a shower on his own.
a sister's relief that someone cares enough and understands what she's going through.
a wife's hope that her husband can once again get well.
a brother's elation that his sibling will be able to go and work.
a mother's joy and gratitude that her son can become more independent.
a family's opportunity to work together to grow as one.

reasons to carry on.
and reasons i have encountered.

step away, one step away

its possibly a decision that i make consciously.
to move a step away from you.

it was heartening to read about you, and to hear about you in the media, for all the hopes and aspirations that the community has placed implicitly on you.

even my family was talking about you.

and yes, these are proud moments for me too, having made your acquaintance.
but only being a close one for the moments which have so long passed.

and moments, which will never come again.

i know that life has taken you there, and that its not something that i can be jealous of.
because i know that the path you take, i can never dream of following.
your own talents and gifts have placed you opportunely, and as a friend, i can only pray that you succeed.

but as a friend, i feel i have lost you.
to what, to whom, i cannot say.

so i am stepping away, one step away.
its not far, just in case you somehow still need me.
but far enough, just so that it makes it easier for me to breathe.

speech

good speech vs bad speech


sometimes i should practice the advice that one should remain silent unless one has something good to say.


in some traditions, Saiyidina Ali was reported to keep a pebble in his mouth, only removing it when he had something truly worthwhile to mention. even so, he would speak only what was necessary, and refrain from excessive speech.


i should endeavour.


cos my words apparently offend, irritate and anger others.


if addressing using terms of endearment are somehow offensive, then tell me please.
but pray, do not make fun of it.

what i've done

super inspirational song. and video.

the story of the AMO

so we had a meeting just now, 'cos a friend wanted to know what it was like working for them, 'cos she was considering working there.

so cute la the replies my dear AMO gave.

Q: Are there differences in the work allocation?
A: Understandably, the ladies are given work in less physically demanding environments... such as the Fragile Forest... where they work with butterflies... (HAHAHAHAHA)

so cute right? but what was meant was the men do the more labour-intensive work, whereas the ladies do the more meticulous tasks which require patience and finesse.

and this AMO was also so "Dodgeball" la... when the phrase the World Association of Zoos of the World (HAHAHAHA) escaped the mouth.

lepak. i miss you and laughing with (or was it at) you, bro.
don't be a stranger please.

we love you. *huggies*

blackle.

hey all... a little effort goes a long way.

"…If Google had a black screen, taking in account the huge number of page views, according to calculations, 750 mega watts/hour per year would be saved."

In response Google created a black version of its search engine, called Blackle , with the exact same functions as the white version, but obviously with lower energy consumption.

Help spread the word… use www.blackle.com

soulmate

"Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone..."

should it come to pass...

it was a beautiful message, my dear.

"should it come to pass that i fail you, forgive me and love me still."

and i am still lost for words to reply.
except that i am the one in need of forgiveness, and that the love, by His Grace, will remain eternal.

God, bless my friends who love and are loved in return, and increase us in our affection towards each other, and towards You. forgive us our trangressions towards each other and towards You, and guide us with the virtues and strengths of each other towards You.

what cannot be

i love you.
but nothing will come from this love.

slighted

i know i am not the most perfect of people.

i know that i can speak badly of others, and have so many things to say about them, especially when they irritate me. and yet when i am in front of them, i can put up so many pretenses that they don't know it is them that i am irritated at.

and i know that i sometimes shoot my mouth off when i am with my closer ones. and that's because i believe that they won't take offence, because i say things in jest. because i believe that i don't need to have any pretenses around them.

but i know i go too far sometimes.

and people get slighted.

for that, i apologise.

but for my beliefs, i guess i can also feel slighted, because what i thought i could come to expect, apparently is not true.

but its ok.

'cos really, of what value am i to concern others?

spending my time

What's the time?
Seems its already morning
I see the sky, its so beautiful and blue
The TV's on
But the only thing showing is a picture of you

Oh, I get up and make myself some coffee
I try to read a bit but the story's too thin
Then I thank the Lord above
That you're not there to see me
In this shape I'm in

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small I stare at the wall
Hoping that you think of me too
I'm spending my time

I try to call but I don't know what to tell you
I leave a kiss on your answering machine
Oh, help me please
Is there someone who can make me
Wake up from this dream?

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small I stare at the wall
Hoping that you are missing me too
I'm spending my time
Watching the sun go down
I fall asleep to the sound Of "tears of a clown"
A prayer gone blind
I'm spending my time

My friends keep telling me: Hey, life will go on
Time will make sure I will get over you
This silly game of love you play, you win only to lose

this song came to mind, as i was telling a friend how much i enjoyed the past few days, just being with. and how true each stanza of the song rings, in terms of what resounds in my mind. but how each hope just plays on as a fantasy, unable to be fulfilled.

just enjoy it while you can, and while we can.

next phase of life

congratulations to all my friends who have recently tied the knot.
may the unions last a lifetime, blessed and felicitous, come the generations ahead.

and with those words, i express one of my deepest fears.
of friends moving apart once they cross the threshold into the next phase of life.

indeed there are a few who are already halfway there. and among them, those closest to me.
while i laud them for their ample provisions, and i am proud that they have made the choice to go on one step further, i just hope that that step is not a step further away from me. call it what you may, but yes, i have separation anxiety issues. although it is not quite as bad as it sounds, i think some part of me would grief the loss of how things were before.

so. there.
smile i may, but cry i still will.

expectations again

sin·cer·i·ty
n. The quality or condition of being sincere; genuineness, honesty, and freedom from duplicity.

qualities of which i don't have. or at least i think are begging serious consideration.
why this entry came about is that the past few times we went out, i have had these expectations laden upon you, whether you know it or not. but more often than not, those expectations are not satisfied. but it seems that only i see it as something that is important.

i spoke to uan about it, and he said that for these things, he has given up expecting already. but uan also said that i am not an easy person to sometimes work with, given my fluctuating energy levels. and that means that people may sometimes find it hard to match me. i inferred that there are times when people just need to get away from me, and that there are other times, when they cannot fulfill my expectations whatever they are.

i have been reminded often by my closest friends to not expect, because expectations make you more susceptible to feeling disappointed. and it is implicit as well, that when you expect, your sincerity is also put to question. are you doing something, expecting a returns, or are you doing something out of your own free will?

my question back is - can't we do something because we like it, and yet expect something in return? at the end of the day, intrinsically, someone does something because he likes the feeling he gets through the completion of the activity. it does not have to be an expectation of somebody, it can just be an expectation of the self by the self. so despite how it seems so selfless, altruistic behaviour serves the inner self and fulfills the emotional needs of the inner self... not so selfless now are we?

but that is besides the point. i do want to be treated differently, i.e. more special. and i am not shy about saying it. because it is the strongest thing that drives me to do things for you. but i shall choose the "nobler" path, and pretend that its ok how things are. we are just good friends, and that we are not indebted to each other.

i can't impose my expectations can i? but i do not wish to be duplicitous, so that is why i am writing here. so at least i have ventilated my thoughts on the matter.

circles of trust

at some point in time in our lives, we find that we are the confidantes of other people. and that with this sense of knowing what only a few people know, circles of trusts are formed. the requirements for each circle of trust may be different for each person, and the prerequisites for entering the circle of trust are blur and fuzzy.

and being in the circle of trust entails certain behaviours and expectations from those who were entrusted. but seriously, sometimes it sucks, because you cannot be natural. yes yes, you see through different eyes when you are in a circle of trust, but you cannot act upon the knowledge. because when you do, you risk endangering the secrecy, and the privacy upon which that trust was built. and then a million other people and things get involved, and you regret ever having been in the circle of trust.

and i pity some of my friends who were affected by this la. come on, its seriously not our fault la. we dun intentionally hurt or offend or psychologically affect other people what... we are not manipulators... we are just really good busybodies.

but i understand all that was said yesterday.

which is why i just wanna revert to how i used to gain my knowledge in the past. just by being. because when you least expect it, all the news in the world comes to you...

then maybe... just maybe...

fazli zainal - harapan

Doaku agar kaukan selalu bahagia,
Agar kau temui insan tulus menyayangimu,
Lepaskanlah diriku kerna keredhaanmu,
Bukan kerna dendam jua bukan kerna kau terpaksa,
Ku tinggalkan memori bersamamu,
Ku undur diri bersama harapan.

Tidak kesampaian cinta kita,
Kubawa harapan kupendam rahsia,
Ku dikejauhan mendoakan,
Agar kau bahgia tiada lagi duka.
Daku rela mengundur diri,
Ku pasti dikaukan fahami…

Tiada penyesalan kasihku korbankan
Andai telah tertulis kuterima ini bukannya kupinta,
Oh pergilah dikau diiringi keikhlasanku,
Cuma pengalaman mengisi kekosongan mimpiku…

wonderful world by james morrison

I've been down so low, people look at me and they know,
They can tell something is wrong, like I don't belong,
Well, staring through a window standing outside there just too happy to care tonight
I wanna be like them but I'll mess it up again,
I tripped them out when God kicked outside everybody's soul.

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now,
Well I thought that I was doing well but I just wanna cry now,
Well I know that its a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me.

Sometimes I feel so full of love it just comes spilling out,
It's uncomfortable to see I give it away so easily,
But if I had someone I would do anything and never never never never let you feel alone
I won't, I won't leave you on your own,
Who am I to dream, dreams are for fools, they let you down.

Well I know that it's a wonderful world but I can't feel it right now
But I thought I was doing well but I just wanna cry now,
Well I know that its a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me.

And I wish that I could make it better,
I'd give anything for you to call me,
Maybe just a little letter
Oh it could start again.

And I know that it's a wonderful world but I can't feel it right now,
Well I thought I was doing well but I just wanna cry now,
Well I know that its a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me.

I know that its a wonderful world, I can't feel it right now,
I've got all the right clothes to wear, I just wanna cry now,
Well I know that it's a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me.
And I know that it's a wonderful world when you're with me.

of secrets

the more secret a person has, the sadder that person is.

haha.

touche à celui qui l'a indiqué à moi. parce-qu'elle soutient elle-même les secrets million et un. mais il fait vraiment beau de savoir ce que d'autres pas. et pour être en cercle intérieur de confiance. et pour voir d'autres avec de nouveaux yeux, si vous savez ce que veux dire-je...

haha.

ps: congrats to that friend of mine, who laments that no one celebrates her accomplishments.

inspire-treat

hehehe... in order to plan for and attend this event, i siammed so many work commitments. wahlaoz. if they knew, i fear the kind of trouble i will get into. not that its anything bad la. just that i put my powers of manipulation to very good use i must say.

but that's besides the point.

the retreat was simply fabulous.
and i would term it successful beyond words.

hahaha... although i had to bbq my butt off (ok i did it of my own free will... no complaints there) and bear with the sweltering heat of the heavens and the pits of the... well.... pits, it was all worth it. the people who came made up for all the suffering i went through... from the FOC freshies to the FOC adhoc to all my dearest friends... wah... felt really good at the end of the day... and got to spend some quiet time with some of the closer ones... which just left me so fulfilled... t'was good, really good. and i felt that all my sacrifices were simply washed away at the end of the retreat.

sigh.

why did it have to end? hahaha... back to work.

you can't have the cake and eat it at the same time.

real life application to this: saving vs spending.

utterly crappy when you have all the wants in the world, and then you realise that if you fulfill your wants, then there will be nothing left to keep. amazingly frustrating, when you realise how very precious those bucks are, and how very close you must keep them, else you won't have them anymore.

simple as that.

you can't have the money if you want to use the money.

such a blithering paradox.

urgh.

the woes of a working man.

know why you love, because to know is to love.

one cannot love blindly.
or rather one should not love blindly.

in the past, i used to think that love is altogether a non-tangible thing - that it can happen inconsequentially, or irreverently. that love at first sight was a possibility. that one can love without reason or rhyme.

and then recently, certain things happened, which brought me back to what the real world is.

there is no love without a desire that needs to be fulfilled.

unfortunately for the hopeless romantics out there, love begs a reason. love proclaims a want. and with love, comes expectations and hopes.

and that was the reason why i could become angry, why i did become angry at some people. because i had thought that my love was simple, that it did not come with any baggage. but it did. and with those expectations, came the possibility of being disappointed, which i so severely was.

but despite that, control came when i realised why i loved. knowledge of this is power, and it rationalises love to a point that it is distilled - cleared of the banality that is the human ego and psyche. and reflecting upon why i loved set me aside of myself. and i surprised myself by forgoing the disappointment. and to this point i still dunno how i did it.

this entry may not make sense to many or any of you. but its ok.

always been understated.
love you.

despite what you did.

work

am currently employed at the Handicaps Welfare Association as an occupational therapist under the Personal Care Services (PCS) programme. am in charge of home therapy services, where i conduct therapy (duh) in the home environment (double duh).

but work has been relaxed and altogether quite pleasant. only seeing 2 patients a day currently, and not even confined to the office environment. and it helps that i am able to arrange my own time to suit the needs of the clients, and even my own administrative duties. my supervisor and director are very trusting of my ability, and i am left to work independently since the 2nd week of work. yups, its that great... little pressure breathing down my neck.

its all good la... even so, i have quite a steep learning curve to traverse... need to pick up on administrative matters, financial accounting, manpower and resource management, marketing and public relations... so i am not only developing clinically, i am also forced to develop other skills, which will help me later if i am taking up a higher administrative position.

i truly feel quite lucky that this opportunity has availed itself to me, and that so many things are in store for me. the job allows me for so many avenues of growth, that i am spoilt for choice. haha... but like what HB says, focus. and focus I will. on clinical skills first, and then slowly on administration and planning. then i will begin to shine like those before me.

hahaha.

i hope!

inspirational moments

backdated to 5th July 2007

HB took us out for lunch after the graduation ceremony, as a "farewell-from-school-but-welcome-to-the-profession" kinda thing. and over lunch, he spoke to us again about our dreams and our aspirations... and related to us his whole history as an OT. but this time round, there was something surreal... something in his voice and tone that spoke directly into us... he was not an educator... rather he transformed truly into the mentor and wise sage that we have come to appreciate in the three years of learning under him... and he shared precious words which will remain with me throughout my life.

in his sharing, he recalled how he never once needed to think about money. all he thought about was fulfilling his responsibility to his profession, and to his clients... and somehow... the money came to him without him needing to look for it. this reminded me of the concept of karma and blessedness in the vocation... that goodness will be rewarded with goodness as well... and that God is not blind or unjust. In Islam there is the concept of intent. if one intends to do good, then one will be rewarded with goodness. and it just echoed in me, that how despite not being Muslim, HB carried in him traits which were worthy of emulation.

and HB also said that its never about the money. he had the opportunity to earn a lot of money - in fact he was asked multiple times to give lectures at international conferences, which he would be given an honorarium for. HB would always return the honorarium to the committee as a donation. And he urged us to continually seek the presence of those elder and more experienced, and to renew our spirits and commitment to the profession through constantly engaging these pioneers, and to recharge our tired/burnt out mentalities.

HB also spoke of his own mentor, Tsuyoshi Sato Sensei, a japanese OT who recently passed away. HB was awarded with the Sato lecture award at the recent Asia-Pacific OT Conference, and it was indeed an emotional moment for him. And as he spoke, he reminded us of the situation that we were in, and that mentorship should be two-way, and that the need to continually mentor and be mentored should be a part of our nature... and inadvertently he offered himself as one who would help us along that path. I was honoured that he chose to use my snippets as opening and closing segments for his inaugural lecture. and indeed i am inspired by him to achieve more for myself and those around me.

wish me well.

graduation

came back to singapore end of june... and 5 days later it was graduation.

and it was a proud day for us OTs... with the top scholar being a friend from the course, and having a number of us go on stage to receive extra prizes... I was one of those... received the clinical prize as well for best performance during attachments... so what the hell was i so worried about? haha...

loved the robes they gave us... cos it was already Harry Potter mania... so the robes really made us feel..."magical"...

and HB gave me a most open and uninitiated hug... which i was so touched by. these teachers of ours really are something... and i am super honoured to be able to call them friends now.

only one thing peeved me and my peers off, that i was not able to give the graduation speech, because i could not attend rehearsals because i was away in indonesia... but what the hell, i felt that the replacement did a pretty fabulous job. haha.

and again... photos!!

with my parents - hope i made them proud and not regret their decision.

mentor and friend - hua beng

mentor and friend - dr uma

mentor - dr raj

mentor - ms ambel

lecturers and friends - charmaine, hwei lan, hua beng

kukula jo-ann nair from sri lanka expedition - physiotherapist

fadzilah from radiography.

ilyas sufi from dental therapy

harry potter pose - ming, ceyu, me, zhen zhen (top scholar), irene and jess

zixian and me!

me and zhen zhen!

me and wanru, dip with merit winner

me with fyp mates, wanru, ceyu and suet, and zz.

with hb, ceyu & wanru

OT0402