expectations again

sin·cer·i·ty
n. The quality or condition of being sincere; genuineness, honesty, and freedom from duplicity.

qualities of which i don't have. or at least i think are begging serious consideration.
why this entry came about is that the past few times we went out, i have had these expectations laden upon you, whether you know it or not. but more often than not, those expectations are not satisfied. but it seems that only i see it as something that is important.

i spoke to uan about it, and he said that for these things, he has given up expecting already. but uan also said that i am not an easy person to sometimes work with, given my fluctuating energy levels. and that means that people may sometimes find it hard to match me. i inferred that there are times when people just need to get away from me, and that there are other times, when they cannot fulfill my expectations whatever they are.

i have been reminded often by my closest friends to not expect, because expectations make you more susceptible to feeling disappointed. and it is implicit as well, that when you expect, your sincerity is also put to question. are you doing something, expecting a returns, or are you doing something out of your own free will?

my question back is - can't we do something because we like it, and yet expect something in return? at the end of the day, intrinsically, someone does something because he likes the feeling he gets through the completion of the activity. it does not have to be an expectation of somebody, it can just be an expectation of the self by the self. so despite how it seems so selfless, altruistic behaviour serves the inner self and fulfills the emotional needs of the inner self... not so selfless now are we?

but that is besides the point. i do want to be treated differently, i.e. more special. and i am not shy about saying it. because it is the strongest thing that drives me to do things for you. but i shall choose the "nobler" path, and pretend that its ok how things are. we are just good friends, and that we are not indebted to each other.

i can't impose my expectations can i? but i do not wish to be duplicitous, so that is why i am writing here. so at least i have ventilated my thoughts on the matter.