i may have gone overboard

so out of respect for you, i apologise for my ranting online.
i removed the post already... so no one can read it now.

takmo marah ok?

al-fatihah

if you all read the newspapers today, you will chance upon a story about 2 women who died in a motorcycle accident.

one of them, Siti, is my brother's girlfriend.

please gift your prayers for her, and her friend as well.

and to all of you who read my blog, and ride motorcycles... please do take extra caution, because the risks of riding are clear. take care ok. because its going to be torment for me if anything happens.

bite back.

haha.

urm, kalau yang terasa tu eh, memang patut lah terasa.
tapi sebab dah terbalas kan, takpa la... nizar memaafkan.

and kalau sakit kan, memang padan muka, tapi nizar pon mintak maaf.

and bagus lah kalau dah baca, at least you now understand.
because whatever i write is usually not meant for the eyes of those for whom the real message is intended.

yeah yeah.

contradictions.

sedap gigit.
as how they would say, puas hati!!!

kukusai, bubumai, kenasai

do these names sound alien to you?
hahaha... let them.

these people are my beloved.
i really had fun today.
and i guess i always will when its just the three of us.

and though i dunno why i was bombarded with those questions, i will just let it pass.

because i looooooove you both.

hahaha. *MUACKS*

Sister’s engagement

sigh.

because i went for the scavenger hunt, i did not know that i missed my sister's surprise engagement.

she was so excited when she showed me the ring.
and i cannot express how happy i am for her.

all i can give is prayers for her.

Allah, bless her and Rauf with a happy and guided life.

Amin.

olympus scavenger hunt 2006

yeah... so the 4 of us joined in this competition...
me abu uan and mahmud.

and along the way, we roped in adri our driver and juni our researcher.
haha.

and chow was our team leader and photographer.

we entered with not much hope of winning, but as we got along the race, somehow all our hopes were raised, cos we thought that we had the upper hand in one of the places we were supposed to go to... which was at the Malay Heritage Centre... we really thought that no one else knew where that place was... so when we finally reached the last point, against all odds... the rain, traffic, wrong turns and tired legs... we were pretty optimistic.

but hell. the guy did not even look at our camera pics... a bad indication.

and when we asked, the guy said that there were 10 teams who already reached before us (out of a possible 20).

and when the results were announced it was no surprise. we did not win.

so here's an analysis of what could have possibly happened.

1) we spent too much time at the fort canning station, because we got lost, and we could not run cos our heavy butts were... well, heavy.

2) we spent too much time looking for the camera shop at peninsula plaza.

3) we spent too much time running around saint andrew's cathedral.

4) we spent too much time on the road.

Conversely, if things were not our fault,

1) the other teams cheated, and did not complete all the stations. but they were given privilege of doubt because they were first to arrive.

2) the other teams were given more clues than they should have gotten, leading to them being at an advantage. hence, again they cheated.

3) the other teams were somehow privy to the fastest routes, which can only come from them knowing the details beforehand. hence they cheated again.

4) the organisers could not verify the pictures, hence no way of establishing the winner, except by time. hence the teams who won did so unfairly.

yes, i am a sore loser. sue me.

i blardy wanted the cameras la... even third prize would have been something.

urgh. yes i won friendship and what not... but a camera is worth sooooooooooooo much more.

hahaha.

materialistic me. i still want the camera.

preliminary FYP results

hehe...
spent the morning in school today with my fyp-mates...
and then we were slugging it out with the transcriptions... which were of course killers by nature...

but by lunch, we got tired of transcribing... and decided to move on to the SF-36 and CHIEF surveys which we ran... and we managed to use to SPSS...

and we ran the analysis to get some idea if we were on the right track...
and found that... YES!! hahaa... although the correlation between SF-36 and CHIEF were more in the .7 range, indicating moderate correlation, at least we have something to say now...

at least our hypothesis is somewhat proven... although may not be so convincing to the statisticians out there... but hell, we at least got our main question answered... quite proud of it la...

if you don't understand what i am ranting about here, no worries... i am just ventilating what i feel is an achievement... yay!! FYP is going somewhere!!

haha.

ok back to earth.

holidays not happening

i was supposed to take a holiday with tau and iskandar this year end.
we were supposed to go to krabi.

but because i had no money, i couldn't go along.

and i was super sad and super jealous that they are going anyways.

then i realised that i cannot go.
because i have debates competition.

30th Dec, 3rd and 6th Jan.

They coming back on the 30th.

So yah.

did not matter that i sulked. i wouldn't have been able to go anyways.

stupid me.

fyp update

on one note, i am glad that our data collection is over.
although i am so dissed at my supervisor for interrupting my focus group discussion and just spoiling the whole arrangement.

but that has passed.

the other side now, is the analysis of data.

beginning with the transcription of recordings.

i took 4 hours to do 25 minutes of recording.

can you believe it?

so fun to talk, but its a hell in itself when you need to look at what has been said.

sheesh.

but i am getting paid for another friend's focus group... that is something to look forward to.
hahaha.

i need money

yeah, as how the title says, i need money.

damn it.

how i envy those with holiday jobs, and those who are already working.
because they have money to spend.

how i envy those rich kids who don't need to work.
because duh, they already have money to spend.

and how i envy those who somehow make good decisions that leave them with money laden hands, and not otherwise.

i cannot go out, because i cannot get the money to.
i cannot go for a proper holiday, because i dont have the money to.
i cannot take this time to rest myself from a whole academic year of crap, because unfortunately, i won't be given the money to.

am i complaining?
yes i am.

but it is really to no avail now is it?

sometimes i really wonder, is it my management that sucks, or is it truly a matter of there is nothing to manage in the first place?

whatever la.
talking here does not make any money appear in my pockets.

now i am miffed.
urgh.

to say or not to say

only a few people know of this.
2 in fact.

i am contemplating saying something that could potentially be a turning point (read: marker for future plans, or onset of crises) for my relationship with someone.

but i have yet to summon the courage to say it.

but like i said, if it happens, it happens.

there is no need to rush into things.

but to some extent, i am hoping that the heart of the person will be as attuned and receptive to what i want to offer, that these words need not be said at all.

Guidance, i seek from Thee.

end of attachments

it came and passed by just like that.
the whole 8 weeks of attachments, and that is the longest we will have ever... until we work that is... hahaha.

but anyways, all my work paid off very well.
i was most shocked at the level of confidence that my supervisor had in me, and the degree with which she saw me performing.

i had thought that i was just average and did not really do well in the attachments. in fact i was under the perception that i was underachieving, what with all the work that was backlogged and the projects which were not really completed...

so it came to final eval time... and i concurred perfectly with her analysis of my strengths and weaknesses... which bordered at the 4 and 5 level, with the occasional 6 when i performed exceptionally well. but her spoken comments were what touched me the most.

my supervisor commended me on my language ability, and my communication with the team. she also commended the way i conducted myself confidently and the way i build a substantial rapport with my clients (i am proud to say that a parent actually asked if the unit would employ me, because she thought i was really good). she said that i had a very positive attitude and many beneficial traits that would bring me very very far in the field.

although my evaluation was not really something fantastic (like the all 6s that some of my friends got), i did secure myself a 90/100 as a final grade. this was definitely something that i did not see coming at all. 90/100 is a distinction grade, and for this module, which has the highest weightage ever, i would be more than blessed to have obtained such a good score.

but more importantly, i feel that the remark which is most indelible is this, "Nizar already has the skills as a therapist. He just needs to refine it, which will come with experience."

as a final year student, nothing is more important than the assurance and stamp of approval from those within the field of practice - an acknowledgement that you are ready to enter the world of clinicians. it is the comment that each of us wants to hear from our supervisors. and i really treasured that remark. especially coming from someone as long and experienced in the field as my supervisor is.

i am glad to say that the sacrifices i made for this attachments really paid off.
but now i have to start paying my dues... hehehe... debates here i come.

photographs

as i figured out how to use my photobucket account again, here are some pictures of events that took place in the past month.

Imran's (to those who know him) art exhibition at the mandarin hotel. beautiful rendition of christina aguilera.

the morning crowd at old friends raya outing at my place

can you believe the little tyke is 14 years old? muhib the boy wonder... love his voice!

bebudak ntu keluar berjalan... half the crowd left...

little group outing at nura's

of families and friends

age is really catching up with all of us.
and our parents, are ageing together with us.
we are no longer children.

really.

raya just passed and in that period of time, i realised how many of us have grown old. how many of my relatives i am now missing and would no longer be able to see... and how soon, even those closest to me would age and pass on, as how others have.

of my friends, there are those succumbing to age-related ailments, and i see their health deteriorating despite the best efforts of medicine. recently i heard news that a mother of a friend had a mild stroke, and that a father of another friend had liver cancer and passed away.

its all real, and its all frightening.

i know that this is all part of the grand cycle of life. as a healthcare professional, that is something i have to deal with and accept. but sometimes, it is just too hard to swallow. especially when at some points in time, you have come to take these people for granted, that they will always be around for you - which is a fallacy we all make as humans.

well, leave us to cope with it as best we can then.
to all those who i mentioned in this post, may Allah grant you kindness and mercy and health above others, and may He grant forgiveness and acceptance to those who have passed on.

to forgive and be forgiven

"there's nothing to forgive. i have done as much if not more wrong than you have ever done to me. So if you can assure yourself to forgive me, then you can assure yourself to have been forgiven as well. Seriously, in the end when i look at it, we'll always remain good friends no matter what, ok?"

this is your response to me asking for forgiveness.

i was just struck by the faith that you have in the friendship, despite all the crap that has been thrown to each other. and i was struck by the ease with which you bury hatchets, although that is not part of my traits. but i guess that is what makes us complementary opposites.

you were honest enough to tell me that you were uncomfortable, and that you were slighted by my actions too. and i was glad to know that you were not as insensitive to whatever i did. haha, that was a side i never expected to see in you... and when you revealed what you felt on the days we met and communed over the sms-es, i was amused yet pleased to know that you have somewhat changed to be the person that i had wanted you to be to me.

But at the same time, i have come to terms about certain things, certain truths about us.
So don't worry about anything, just be happy and take care of yourself.

You'll always have that place, whether it's manifest or hidden.

fyp updates

haha...
this is another thing to bend my brain around.

HB, our supervisor, hasn't been able to meet up with us to discuss the proceedings of our project. and the meetings with our collaborating organisation are also not attended by him. so its like we are all supervising ourselves. but not that we are not doing well la. we are keeping to whatever we had planned, and i think so far, we have conducted ourselves quite amicably and professionally. but some of the administrative issues are really not within our domain to discuss... so at those points we really get worried that we may be doing the wrong things, or not complying to some NYP rule or protocol. but what the hell la, we are just going to jump in and see how things turn out...

we realised in our planning that we have yet to tie down so many loose ends, which may at the end affect the credibility of our research. so we better buck up so that our work becomes recognised literature and is a good foundation upon which future research can be based.

hehe. big dreams huh?

six

ok, as you all know, it is still attachment season.
so yah, this is a generic update for the week.

week 6 of attachments already passed... yeaps its kinda moving quite fast.

and for me and my colleague, we were really looking forward to getting past this week, cos firstly, we had an off for friday (in-lieu for deepavali), and that means an extended weekend. secondly, this week was also hell-week cos we saw 5 patients in a day, and thats like the case-load of a full-time staff... its especially stressful cos our supervisor had to see her own cases on top of ours, which meant that we were unsupervised most of the time (for me it was all of the time), and so getting past that day was really a load off our backs.

fortunately, the following week is HMDP, we are not seeing any patients, and that means a stress-free week. so YAY! and that also means that we only have 5 more days till end of attachments. woo hoo!!

this week i tried to manipulate my way out of a chore which i myself did not want to do in the first place, but was encouraged to by some people up there... i decided to take myself out of training to focus on the more important things that i had to do, and hoped that they would then remove me from the team cos i could not commit when it came so close... but damn them. they said that they would wait for me. haha. i just manipulated my way into more shit. so unlucky me.

yeaps. that's for the update on attachments.

sunday, and my heart is still

amazingly, despite not wanting to go out today at all... i found myself enjoying it at the end.
first was the guys gathering at my house, and first to arrive was iskandar.
the one who always leaves me in a dilemma after i meet him... cos he just signals wrongly all the time. but its all quite simply the uncontrollable id speaking there. haha.

then came the rest. zul was also there, despite saying that we may not be able to meet... but fortunately he came.

we took a slow trip to everyone's place, where transport was available.
off to rita's, then to abu sufian's, then to iskandar's, then to zul's.

i even managed a conversation with him, despite still being oh-so-hurt.

but like i said, its more of the others who made it worth it.

had a good hug with is and zul.
and somehow, i settled myself.

week 5, reaching breaking point

its has come to an end, this week 5.
and for the sake of sanity, i have 9 days left to go for my attachments.
which is not too bad.

but hell, this week was a bad week.
monday came, and i did not go for debates, because i had stuff to do.
tuesday came and a child flopped in my arms, and bumped her jaw against the edge of the table, and bled. lucky my sup was around.
wednesday came, and my sup was not around, and i think i did not handle one client well. i think i sorta wasted that child's time. then went for debates and they were sarcastic. like i meant not to come everytime, and i was purposely uncommitted.

wednesday was the day i almost cried to myself in desperation. but somehow i managed to hold it all in. talked to abu at night, and that made me feel better.

thursday came, and at ilham's exhibition, i saw luqman my BMT sergeant whom i have been wanting to see for the longest time. still can do. haha. nice that he still remembered me, though he could not say my name. haha.

friday came and at attachments, its like i really felt this week fly by too fast, and i don't really know if i did well this week, and if my patients felt i was helping them at all this week. and its just so uncertain. went for dim sum dollies, and that was nice as a preview of the weekend. stayed out late. but apparently something happened, and now its not that great a weekend.

saturday is almost over, with me spending the whole day at home just bumming.
sunday is to come, and i dunno how that will turn out.

but of all the events that has happened this week, i am left with a question.
how is everyone else coping?

i know my ntu babes are all examination struck.
and i know of the personal stories of other people.

how do we cope?

prayer of love

Allah,

Sesungguhnya Engkau telah memberiku nikmat sahabat yang membawaku kepadaMu, dan Engkau telah memberiku nikmat sahabat yang menerima kekuatan dan kelemahanku, dan Engkau telah memberiku nikmat sahabat yang menyayangi dan mencintaiku. Atas nikmat ini, aku memanjatkan syukurku kepadaMu.

Berikanlah kami perhubungan yang berpanjangan hingga ke syurgaMu, dan kekalkan kami dalam cinta dan kasih sayang terhadapMu dan antara sesama kami, dan teguhkan dan jayakan kami dalam setiap usaha kami keranaMu.

Ya Allah,

Sesungguhnya aku menyayangi mereka yang telah Engkau anugerahkan kepadaku, maka janganlah Engkau malapkan cintaku melainkan Engkau tidak redha dengan perhubunganku.

Ya Allah,

Sayangilah mereka yang menyayangiku kerana tiada cinta yang lebih agung dari CintaMu, dan bagi mereka yang menyayangiku sedangkan aku tidak mampu menyayangi mereka, ampunilah mereka dan diriku yang lemah ini. Ingatilah mereka yang mengingatiku kerana tiada yang lebih Peka melainkan Engkau, dan sekiranya mereka melupakanku dan aku melupakan mereka, ampunilah mereka dan diriku yang lemah ini.

Allah kepadaMu aku memohon keampunan dan rahmah, dan kepadaMu aku memohon kasih sayang dan mahabbah.

Ilahi anta maqsudi, wa ridhakan matlubi a'tini mahabbataka wa maghfirataka. Salallahu wa sallimu a'la Rasulillahil karim wa a'la alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam. Amin.

out with the dearhearts

abu arranged for an outing today to jalan raya.
simple outing with less than 10 people, but i felt that there was enough heart for 100.
relaxed journeys filled with laughs, no stress to finish visiting homes...

it was just simple, and they were all just a pleasure to be with.
maybe despite me saying that i am so irritated by their teasing, to a great extent, i yearn for it.
haha. paradoxical, but true. because it just shows us that we are somehow still together, and that time has not changed that.

even if i cannot hug you all physically, i am doing so in my heart every night, and every time i think of you.

tonight i sleep well.

updates on attachments first

erm.
ok.

beginning the fifth week tomorrow.
and sorta falling into a rhythm of how things are supposed to happen over at the clinic...
so i think i will be able to survive the weeks to come (seeing that of course there is only 3 weeks left.)

midway evaluation was over on wednesday, and mine was super quick.
and the comment given before my sup went through the papers with me was: "good ones don't need so long to go through." so i guess that means good for me.

on another note, embarrassing moment at attachments, involving falling, and having the whole room laugh at you.

leave it at that.

hahahaha.

okies, next post.

what we see

if you saw that message as a means of making up, i am sorry to inform you that its did not do that. if you took my reply as acknowledgement and acceptance of apology, unfortunately, all it was to me was a mere formality, nothing more.

cos i think i have had enough of seeing things as more than they are, seeing you as more than you are, giving you more than you deserve.

if it is all ok with you, then this shall become the status quo.
as it has been for the past months.

maybe then this time we will both have peace.
and somehow time will do what its meant to do.

selamat tinggal kekasih

hadirmu
bagaikan bayu
yang dihembuskan, dan hilang begitu...

wujudmu
bagaikan mimpi di malam waktu
dan bila sadar, dikau samar bak mega kelabu...

ertimu,
terlalu dalam, terlalu silam,
daku hanya mampu menyentuh wajahmu...

Ramadhan, Ramadhan,
jangan kau biarkan daku kecundang dalam pencarianku
jangan kau relakan daku sesal dengan kekuranganku
saksikanlah bagiku di Hari nanti, di Hari tiada dapat membantu...

Allah,
ketemukanku dengan Ramadhan sekali lagi
moga pada waktu itu, dapat ku munajatkan isi hati
moga di saat nanti, dapat ku nikmati kurniaMu bagi insan yang dhaif ini...

selamat tinggal kekasih, jangan kau lupakan aku.
selamat tinggal kekasih, moga dapat bertemu.
selamat tinggal kekasih, Ramadhan kau tetap di hatiku.

and so she comes to an end, the blessed month.
may we all gain some inayah and hidayah for our efforts this past month, insya Allah.

thank you all who have made this month so memorable, and who have assisted me to guide myself to a path of servitude, so that this month did not pass me by without care.

happy tonight

you know that low down feeling you get, when you miss someone very much, and then you don't know what's really happening with them, and they don't seem to want to contact you even? every contact is terse and unemotional... you know?

yah i was that. until tonight when i met the two of them.
and i know that its really nothing, except time taking us away from each other.

just being able to cajole with them brought my spirits up, way way up.

wanted to break fast at fig and olive at clifford centre, then found out it was closed.
then went to vivocity, but couldn't find parking.
so went to seah inn food court instead, and had thaksin beef noodles.
then walked to vivocity, and was wowed by the place. its really really really really huge.
then walked to harbourfront, and walked through a water fountain, and got ourselves wet. hahaha. 3 grown men, with nothing better to do, but get wet.
then wanted dessert, and walked further, and found a road-side ice cream vendor.
then went to al-azhar for a night cap.
then went home.

seeing them tomorrow again.
wee!

me happy tonight.

time check: 2 week over

flashed past me...
2nd week of attachments is already over.
technically, 5 more weeks to go (thank God for week-long HMDPs).

this week has been a week of ups and downs, and you can really see the tiredness and fatigue in me, if you bother to look. its good of course, because we sorta know our schedules already, and our workplan and expectations for the next five weeks to come. we are already planning and carrying out our intervention plans, and at the same time doing all sorts of documentations. and this week, out of 5 days, at least 3 of them were late days, meaning we had work to last us past official hours. i won't say that my supervisor is a slavedriver, but she really wants us to be able to handle loads similar to the full-time therapists there, and she is really giving us all the opportunity to do so, which i appreciate. but you know, still being students, sometimes things are a little bit overwhelming. so it still takes some time to get used to, which i hope i will be able to do satisfactorily by end of next week.

can you believe it, its going to be mid-eval soon.
but my sup already said that she is very satisfied with our work so far, and that she does not need my lecturer to pay us a visit, which is of course good news (cos if lecturers need to come, then it means big trouble). i really hope that i will be able to do well here... the kids are so cute, and they really deserve all that we can give them.

lifehouse - blind

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as you turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like is was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

debates second day

hehe.

erm, went to sleep and woke up from the previous 70-year old to a slightly more mature 26-year old man. and it showed in the debates today. the fourth round was held, and it was on some obscure topic like micro credit financing, which we really have no ideas what the world it was all about. but despite our unpreparedness, we actually managed to beat an NUS, NTU and SMU team (british parliamentary style debates, so there were 3 other teams in the whole debates session). and i really felt that my style and analysis has taken a positive step forward in this competition. and it felt good.

ya.

i am not acutely worried about the inter-polys coming up. cos somehow it seems that we wont really have much of a challenge, aside from the TP teams, which we feel, only needs us to be more informed and to brush up on manner. looking forward to that set too, but it will only happen in the end of the year... so no rush.

on that note, monday blues have already set in. so i would like to sign out.
must i go to work??

i cannot

what is so special about you that i need to maintain my relationship with you?
and how come i cannot stay angry at you... even if you are clearly in the wrong?
and why can you just be oblivious and careless and reckless and not feel what i feel?

why am i so weak, even against myself?

first official debates competition

just came back from my first true official inter-varsity-polytechnic debates competition.
i went there with a mind of a 24-year old, and have returned with the mind of a 70-year old demented. if you want to talk about exposing a debate noob to the actual world of debating, this would have been a seriously good time and place.

each debate i participated in shed so much more light on debating styles, and technique than my time in school. and i was flabbergasted at the sheer disparity between the polytechnic teams and the varsity teams. it is truly a different league, they and us.

but i am glad that i was forced to take part in this. it showed me my own weaknesses, and my strengths, and let me work on the areas which i am lacking in. that's really what the whole debates was for... to make me rise up to the mark that i have shown potential to reach.

haha. but fried brains are not really good for you, you know?

it's friday!

yeaps and week 1 of attachments is over.
7 more weeks to go.

you know, as i was taking the bus home this evening, i suddenly realised how therapeutic the ride home from one end to the next is. i realise that it was the one thing that i look forward to everytime i go home. i don't know if its just the lazy journey back after a long day at work, or is it something psychological - like i am moving away from a place i may not feel so secure at to a place i am most at home with, HOME.

i think its more the second reason. i love going home.

but that is of course not to say that my attachment has been hellish.
yes, my supervisor is beginning to pile on the work and expectations.
but at the same time, i find myself coping better than i had initially hoped.
i really think that it will be a truly challenging placement, but it will test my abilities in all aspects of OT quite well. i think my supervisor will make sure of that. and i need to fulfill my own aspirations too.

first week and i already have 5 children under my care. need to assess, plan and implement treatment sessions, and need to read up for information so that i can answer my supervisor's clinical reasoning questions. then need to ensure that everything i do is documented. really not gonna be easy... but i must do it. next week will be another week with more clients. haha...

kids are not easy to play with you know...

experience

of course i need to update on my attachments.
third day ended today. i think i am coping quite well.
been taking on more tasks already, and able to write into casenotes on the day itself, which is quite a feat, considering where i am.

of course, expectations from my sup are high, knowing her background, and knowing what she expects from a year 3 student. the first day with her was daunting enough. she wanted us to administer assessments which we were not even in the know of. stunned we were. haha. but then she was accepting when we explained that the syllabi of the year 2 and year 3 students were slightly different, and that our assessment module was not truly sufficient for us to be able to administer them. so she kindly showed us the assessments and re-took over the cases she had initially wanted to assign to us.

but it is really amazing to see her do her stuff.
you are just... wow. can i do that ever?

haha. and i say to myself, of course. give yourself 5 years. and you'll get there.
the eyes and hands of experience are for those who persevere.
and persevere i will.

steep learning curve ahead!

dualism of man

apparently we consist of a dual nature, the id-ego, and the superego.
and i am in constant conflict with these internal natures.
which is why i am constantly in upheaval.
and which is why my moods swings are legendary.

but on the last entry, my superego just decided to say that people are not all bad.
and that i should not be fatalistic.
but my id-ego says, go and do whatever you want.

so i gave in to it.
and the entry was it.

and this is my balancing with the superego.

yah. may not make sense to you. but who cares.

call

i dunno why i attach so much meaning to it.
cos i know partly its me thats hoping and expecting.
and you just dun see me that way.

you give a call, and you just simply use me.
and that's it.
blardy insulting la.
not to mention just rude.

and i don't know why i even bother taking it all in.
i don't need this.

of all people i had hoped that you would be more sensitive.
but i guessed wrong. you are you.

malas ah. kasih tak dihargai.

first day at clinics

no supervisors.
no nothing.

just pure me and tricia and the place.
haha.

not good for us, but we made good the time there. as best as we could.
hope tomorrow is a better day for us, once our supervisor comes in and shows us the clients.

iftar

so went to breeks today with taufiq.
then met hanna and adib... two long lost and dearly beloved people.
and caught with the gossip. so mintak maaf sesiapa yang digossipkan. i call it asking after you with concern.

and by His Blessings, the breeks iftar was only $2.63 when the original bill was $42.
alhamdulillah.

then went to al-falah for maghrib. i told taufiq beforehand that i hoped that we will see ahmad.
(ahmad by the way is the brother of taufiq's saudi acquaintance whom he met at a medical conference. but ahmad is the epitome of goodness and purity, and you just cannot help but respect his sincerity and simplicity. and he grew on me from the first meeting.) then taufiq said if i really wanted to meet him, i should just call him. then i told taufiq that i believed that if we were meant to meet, He would arrange for it. i strongly believed in the concept of Him gifting me with my friends, and all the people i meet.

and lo and behold, right before isya', ahmad appeared. and my heart melted. alhamdulillah, He decided to gift me tonight with the sight of a beloved. and i was thankful for that simple yet utterly meaningful hadiah.

so today was not a wasted day at all.

i am happy.

fin... NOT

its over... hell week is over!
wee!!

erm. actually now that its over, hell week seems not so hellish after all.
the papers were manageable, now that i am standing after them...

and i just got one of the results... the practical exam on the sensory dysfunction... if you remember me whining about it... well, i got an A for it. haha.

now that exams are over, what seems more daunting is the next set of obstacles: 8 weeks of clinical attachments + fyp data collection.

now this will be something to juggle. not to mention that i will have my stupid debates to manage on top of it all. why did i ever say i wanted to help out? prominence breeds personal grievances. kalau tak bagus, salah. bagus pun salah. macam mana nak hidup?

not the end yet... won't be the end yet... will never be the end... till the end.
then we reach a new beginning.

second to the last

play and school is finally over.
let me just give you an example of the madness.

question one was almost worth 5o marks.

madness.

i was again rushing against time.

but managed to make it just in time.

did i tell you i broke down while revising for this? i did.

that bad huh? yups.

onto final jump now. then clinicals. i want my break. i will fall sick else. sigh.

one song that nura sang

the harmony done by nura and jonathan were just heavenly.

I'll sing it one last time for you

Then we really have to go

You've been the only thing that's right

In all I've done

And I can barely look at you

But every single time I do

I know we'll make it anywhere

Away from here

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes

Makes it so hard not to cry

And as we say our long goodbye

I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower

We don't have time for that

All I want is to find an easier way

To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear

We're bound to be afraid

Even if it's just for a few days

Making up for all this mess

run - snow patrol

muse

went over to the esplanade library cafe to see nura perform today.
it was a small crowd... intimate and cosy...

and nura was brilliant.
people commented that they could not attach the voice to the face, which to me is the ultimate compliment. they said she was unassuming, true and just pure... voice.

can you imagine?

sigh.

makes me want to try to sing in front of people too.
but maybe not quite up to it yet.
my vocal control is not that good...
but i definitely think i can sing better than some of the mats who were there... haha.

back to revision.

sociology of work and organisations and... NAMES?

the paper this morning was not too hard. could manage the questions that were set.
except of course, the insane need to remember who came up with what theories. haha. some of the names were not even in the manual. unfair testing again. but despite the written diarrhoea and risking cramps in the hand, i actually ended 20 minutes before time, and could laugh at myself. i think i am weird when in the exam hall.

the next paper will be the killer.
play and school. now this lecturer knows what she is doing, but when she teaches, she does it uni style. self-study and research. so who knows what questions she will set for the paper tomorrow. only thing to do is mug like mad, then see how things turn out. i just hope i can do her theory questions... cos i am never too good with all these theory-memory work. dun wanna go blank during the paper... haha.

sheesh.

mom is going for MRI tomorrow to check the headaches. hope its nothing. then i will do tension headache management for her.

pray for my mom's well-being k?

lesson of the second paper

lecturers are evil creatures.

they have one main purpose: to make you academic life miserable.

and they will go through all means and manners to ensure that they achieve their aims.

second paper was psychosocial dysfunction. as how i mentioned before, this paper is a weird one. because we don't know what to expect. and the lecturer also does not know what to test us on.
so what did she do? she tested us on every single thing. the main question may appear to be just asking about a specific condition, but the consequent questions, she asked on every other diagnosis that could possibly, even remotely, be related.

so it was only 4 questions, testing on 20 conditions, within one hour. ONLY.
schizophrenia leading to epilepsy leading to intellectual disability leading to depression leading to dementia leading to whatever else she could think of. and she tested on case studies which we covered in school, which i must say, was another prong of her evil trident.

i actually cramped while struggling to write within the time. for the first time ever.

and guess what? i want to be a lecturer too, so i can inflict such pleasureful pain on MY students. haha.

on other news: for attachments, going to tan tock seng neuro.

looking forward to that.

next paper: sociology of work and organisations.

maybe this is how i am feeling deep inside

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were, but I walked away

If only I knew what I know today

Ooh, oohI would hold you in my arms

I would take the pain away

Thank you for all you've done

Forgive all your mistakes

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To hear your voice again

Sometimes I wanna call you

But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit

Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss

And it's so hard to say goodbye

When it comes to this, oooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?

Would you help me understand?

Are you looking down upon me?

Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To have just one more chance

To look into your eyes

And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day

I would tell you how much that I've missed you

Since you've been away

Ooh, it's dangerous

It's so out of line

To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Hurt - Christina Aguilera

biomech payback

as i said... here is my mid day report on the first paper of the week.

format of paper:
30 MCQ (30 marks)
3 Short Answer Questions (90 marks)

of the 30 MCQ, i could only answer 16 of them confidently.
that leaves about half unanswered.

the 3 SAQs, one was on practical lab sessions, which we never in our lives thought were THAT important. 30 marks gone. the other two were so-so.

ya. i said i hated biomech. now biomech is gonna make me pay for that.

BUT... its a done paper.
next up: psychosocial dysfunction. the paper where you dunno what to expect, and the lecturer that set the paper is just as enigmatic - ancient-spiderwebs in the head for brains- kind of enigmatic.

URGH.

off to maple.

nausea

that sick feeling you get right in your gut, when you feel like emptying your insides until there is no more to retch out.

urgh.

that is what i am feeling right now. super nervous for my biomech paper. the past year paper that i have now is not really helping very much in terms of soothing my nerves. it is just pointing the way to the many things that i have yet to digest. but whats the point of digesting if all i am gonna do is retch it all out.

razak in his perverse logic said to me that nausea is good. it means that knowledge is seeping into the brain and pushing all the vomitus out. erm, i really do hope that my brain is not made of vomitus, abang. but the way it is now, having vomitus may be better than having nothing at all.

urgh... feel the bile.

wait for my mid-day report on how the paper went.

outs.

first jump

last friday was the first official paper of my exams.

glad to inform that it went pretty well... the case that we got was infiltrating ductal carcinoma, with radical right mastectomy, and development of lymphedema of the upper right extremity.
for the lay people - breast cancer, with removal of the right breast, and consequently, swelling of the right hand. quite a straightforward case, and even after the research, found that most of my interventions were quite spot on. so hurray for me.

tomorrow is the beginning of hell week. 5 straight days of papers, with no breaks in between.
and the opening paper is biomechanics, which unfortunately i am not too good in. but work we must. survive this week, then go straight into clinicals and data collection for FYP, which all in all, will just tear me apart like lions to the kill.

that is why i am hoping for some form of respite. but haven't heard any news yet. and fortunately or otherwise, i don't intend to make anything happen.

hmm.

this year's fast will be something new for everyone i think.
and of things to come, i shall not say.

"the night is my companion, and solitude my guide...
Would i spend forever here, and not be satisfied?"
- Possession, Sarah McLachlan

exams begin tomorrow

and tomorrow is no more than 5 minutes away.
i am a real doofus.
did not even pick up a book to study.
and this was supposed to be study week.
hahaha.

oh God.

i just hope i get through.

to move on when its time to

i had my sensory dysfunction practical exam just now. the lecturer had already warned us before hand, that many of the the failures of the past, used to have problems with this module specifically. so i was worried. and duly so, because i had missed one lesson of this module, and i never really caught up with the skill that i had missed in that one class.

i was quite the jitterbug as the time came for me to take the practical. you were alone, in that room. and two lecturers were there. one to observe, the other to behave as how the patient would. both would give their remarks to score the assessment after i was done. it began quite well, and i was not as nervous. but once it came to handling the lecturer, i began to fluster. i forgot to give cues when it was necessary, and i forgot to facilitate when it was necessary. i forgot all that i had learnt and attempted to internalise the past couple of weeks of intensive practice. i left that room today feeling most disturbed and disappointed.

and unfortunately, i blamed myself for not being able to do what i needed to do. and for somewhat fulfilling the trend.

and images of what i should have done, and what i could have done, keeps appearing in my head. and it is really not a good feeling to have.

but no point crying over spilt milk, as they would say. its over and done with. nothing i do will change anything. and somehow that just makes me more incensed.

but yah. move on when its time to. cos no point harping over something like this. all i can hope for is that the lecturer did see what i was trying to do, and that i was trying my best. i still have a whole week of exams to take. and i cannot afford to become consumed by my own engineering. so i must let go.

let go.

gain some, lose some

grey's gave a very typical but most moving depiction of the above adage.


this week's episode showed how everything moves in its own cycle, but the harmony is somehow maintained between all parties. meredith finally really broke off with derek, but in exchange, gained back george and got a hottie vet boyfriend. izzie gave up trying to cheer her patient, but in return got her man back. alex gave up waiting for other people, and saved a life in return. john cho gave an apology and expected to get beaten up, but he received forgiveness instead. the mother died, but the father received a child.


just makes you wonder and rethink your life again. how many times have we simply chosen to not look at what we have gained in return, and focus on all the losses in life? i think as humans, we are simply that. self-centred, and motivated primarily by self gain. and that is why, when things do not go our way, we go all out to show the supposed injustices that have happened to us, and we whine and wail about all that we do not agree with, or does not conform to our perception of having a good life. we simply disregard the many times that good things have happened to us, that we have been blessed with, just cos this one moment of displeasure or discomfort afflicts us.


i am not exempt. i think i am especially like this when it comes to relationships. i fatalise and catastrophise every single event that does not happen the way i want it to happen. every argument that takes place, is unfortunately, another statement of the end. and that is why i never seem to be really happy. and then what is worse, is that i top everything off with an "i am ok, i will get through this, i don't need you" comment... which works for the immediate duration after, but really kills me after i am through with my own invincibility fable.


point is, i need to be more happy about the things that i have going my way, rather than look at the dark side of life whenever i get down. and maybe then i will be able to find strength, true strength, from myself. and maybe then i will be able to define myself for who i really am. and then i would have gained more than i lost.

living someone else's dream

i am tired of people telling me that i should do this, and not do that.
join this, and join that.


is my life mine to lead, or yours to direct?


it is just absolutely irritating when people make decisions for you, and think that just because you are younger than them, you will not object to these decisions. for crying out loud, we are living in the 21st century, get a life! how you lived your life in your past is seriously, SERIOUSLY not the same as how we are living ours now. i have my own set of commitments, which leave me with little time for myself. and yet there you are trying to stuff down my throat what you think i should be doing with my time, with little regard to what i feel or whether i have any interests at all in whatever you are thinking of spoonfeeding me.


and just because you are an elder, you think that by all accounts your way is right.


fortunately for me, i am more discerning and assertive than you thought i would be. you think that i would take that path that you wished you had taken yourself. you wished that i would be a pawn in your life, something that you can say, hey i helped put him there. you wish for others to be so much more like you, cos you think you are the most righteous man alive just because you serve in the mosque.


puh-lease.


don't play the i-am-holier-than-thou card with me. it just doesn't work, especially when it comes from someone like you. don't try your sales pitch with me, because i really don't agree with your methodologies. and don't try to make me turn into you, because frankly, i don't think you are anything much to emulate.


live YOUR life the way you think it should be lived.


let me live MINE the way i want to live it. i have long given up the dreams of others to live my own. learn to respect that, and maybe there is still some saving grace for you.

ramadhan night two

its past midnight now. and i cannot sleep. haha. although there are many things that i can do to better use up the time, especially in this month, let me just pen some things that randomly cross my mind.


first of all, i love this new skin. gothic, mysterious, simple, and yet i can play with so many things for the html. haha. thats why i left the credit to the person who created this skin, cos really, he deserves it.


second thing that crossed my mind was about friends. was just watching this show "miami ink". showed five guys who were bestest of friends and who came together for the love of their trade: tattooing. and i think it was a repeat telecast... cos it was the episode when they all came together to open the shop, and all the teething problems came up. anyways, watching that show left me wondering if i did make any plans with anyones to have anything like that, anytime in the future. and whether that future that we had planned, in the eventuality, would turn out, or merely become a figment of the past. i think my perception of friends is skewed, in my own ways. i guess when it comes to companionship, i am a romantic. and i have to say that i think my perceptions of what friends should be like is really very influenced by "Friends", which coincidentally showed immediately after miami ink.


anyways, unfortunately for me, friends change. things change. everything changes. and my ring represents this. i know i am not very good with change. and i bought that ring to remind me of that. and that when at all everything moves along, i must learn to seek some respite in myself. and maybe sometimes, i am all i have. this is not to say that i am swearing off friends, of course i will never do that. but we all have our alone time. and we all need our alone time. and in some instances, we are truly alone. at least that is how i feel. no no i am not getting into another one of my depressive periods. introspection is not equal to depression, although it may lead to it. haha. but again, no, i am not depressed.


its really funny how i am coping at this instant, with all the changes and lack of contact that i have been experiencing. i have always hoped for the moment i can truly be detached from myself and all whom i have tied myself to, without feeling guilty that i am throwing away bonds which i have so painstakingly built. maybe i am moving on without me noticing. maybe i am just too distracted. maybe i choose to not care. maybe this. maybe that. ahaha. i am fast becoming incoherent.


i think everyone is moving away. so move as you must move. maybe you will find me here when you return, maybe you wont. let us leave all things now up to chance shall we? if fate decrees so, who are we to then say no?

on the first day of ramadhan

sometimes things just creep up on you and give you a surprise...
it was like that for me, let me tell you, for this ramadhan.


i was of the perception that ramadhan was going to begin on sunday night instead of saturday night... and i was rather unprepared to welcome it. that was why i questioned juni when her nick appeared to be miscalculating the number of days to ramadhan, and when my auntie asked if i was going for tarawih, i told her that it begins the day after...


then i read the papers, and it said, "fasting begins tomorrow"... then i visited MUIS' website... and the date read 1st ramadhan... and i was like...o'oh... was i so badly caught up in work that i could have absolutely misplaced ramadhan in my key priorities? i am of the mind that i did.


but it was all well... did what i needed to do. after maghrib i prepared myself to go to the mosque for the first tarawih prayers. always felt that it was more obligatory to go on the first day, to welcome the blessed month in congregation... and to try to go for more of the congregational prayers unlike how i have been the past ramadhans...


i think i was given a small gift at the mosque. to be able to observe beauty. i will leave it there.


but other reflections came in fast and furious. the imam misread some ayahs from simple surahs. i am not blaming him for it (even though he is an ustaz). the mistakes made by someone of his stature merely shows me that again, no one is infallible. even the best of us make mistakes. and this month is given as a respite to us, to make good all the wrong we have done in the past year, to cleanse ourselves from indulgences, and all in all, to make us humble in our ibadah. we need to seek rahmah(mercy), maghfirah(forgiveness) and freedom for the torments of the fire. there was a short sermon given after the tarawih session. that moved me quite a few times. realising my own shortcomings and limitations, the sermon extolled making ramadhan the stepping stone to a life better disciplined as a muslim. i know that i have not been such a good muslim the past year. and what was said, echoed my own sentiments and regrets.


somehow that sermon delivered on the first night drove home to me the point that there is a need to strive and make amends. make the fasting something more significant to you tha n merely attaining hunger and thirst and feeling week. strive to Him, and by His Grace, you might just achieve it.


insya Allah, i will do my best.


to those who still visit this asylum, blessed ramadhan to all.

for the sake of my absence

haha... what a title for a post.

but yes. i know that it really has been a while since i wrote. and despite saying that i was back in august, i did not write anything. till today at least.

well, the reason i chose to pen tonight, is because i know that i would be truly retreating into my own world pretty soon. if you all havent noticed yet, i already began.

just some brief updates then i suppose.

its 3rd year, the year when it all culminates. whether i become an OT or not truly depends on the outcome of this year. hence i have got to make things happen.

fyp will be a killer i tell you. i have been spending more time in school than at home, cos of this three letters. i have been lugging my lappie and what nots... transferring libraries of references of articles and journals and books, just so that i am ready and prepared. and yet, i am not.
my sup has a way of disarming you from all the preparations in the world. fyp = for you, pain.

that aside, the 3rd year modules are really heavy, requiring integration of work from years 1 and 2. the exams are due in 2 weeks, and i am seriously SERIOUSLY afraid that i would not be able to maintain my standards.

clinicals. wanted to go aussie, but too close to raya for comfortable departure. so i decided to postpone it for next year instead. hope i wont be challenged by the smart ones. haha.

as u can see, its all school now.

but i miss them friends of mine. unfortunately, time is not on my side. so all i can say to those who read this blog, i love you. drop me a message now and then to remind me of you. and to remind me that you are still around. i would need that human presence, to rid my baggage of academia.

*breathe*

...

...
...
...

i am back.