happy new year!

happy new year to everyone!
may the new year bring new hopes and aspirations, and new successes to life.

to all my friends, it has been a heck of a year... thank you for the memories.

nizar sayang semua.

the year past

an early post by gregorian standards, but a timely one for the muslim calendar. to all muslim friends, have a happy Muharram, and may this year be one of felicity and blessings by His Grace, amin.

many people spend this time in retrospection of the year that has gone past. and correctly so, for we are encouraged to also reflect back on ourselves for the things we have done, or may not have done, so that we can become better people.

this year has been a year of many sadnesses for me. the passing of my beloved grandparents are at the top of my list. Nani passed away in February, and Atok left us just recently in October. i miss them both very terribly, and i know that the rest of my family feel this sense of profound loss, that can never ever be filled. all i can do is to pray for them and hope that they are in a better place now.

this year has also been a year when i realised how differently i have come to value friendship. if you ask me now, i can somewhat say that i feel that i have lost quite a number of them, either physically or emotionally. distances and time apart has worn out relationships, which only seem to speak of how very tenuous they were in the first place. and perhaps, recent debacles have also affected me quite deeply, to the point that i may have become cynical again to the notion of what makes a true friend. accordingly, my social circles have also shrunk, and i am lesser of the extrovert that i used to be, and things have become somewhat mundane when it comes to people.

i made promises to people, i made myself out to be solid and reliable, but increasingly i am finding myself unable to fulfill these promises, and finding myself being the one needing support. i have lost something somewhere, and i am not sure what it is, which will make finding it again all the more harder.

looking inside, i am spiritually undernourished, yearning for a spring from which i can drink from to refresh myself. i feel that i have made so many aims for myself, but unfortunately, never quite reaching the destination i set out to arrive at. yes, it's not the destination but the journey that counts, but pit stops which never seem to avail themselves for you to rest your weary soul, or the lack thereof can really drain you. i want to ask for permission to go, but i don't know whether if i go i will be able to drink directly from the fount.

have i been a good employee to my organisation?
have i been a good son to my father and mother?
have i been a good brother to my siblings?
have i been a good friend to my companions?
have i been a good Muslim?

have i become a better person in the last year?

i cannot say for certain that i have. and i fear to say that i may have regressed.
the only one who remains when everyone has moved on.
the one that will not flourish.

Allah, forgive me.

tribute

if there were a vampire series that i would forever love, it would be anne rice's the vampire chronicles. it is one of the most extensive stories of vampires that i have ever read, and it is truly one of the most engaging series. it helps too that some of the books have been made into movies. come to think of it, i think i will rebuy all the books and keep for myself a nice library. hehe.

interview with the vampire . the vampire lestat . the queen of the damned
the tale of the body thief . memnoch the devil . the vampire armand . merrick . blood and gold
blackwood farm . blood canticle

in tribute, here are some of the key vampires in the series.

the first lestat de lioncourt, louis de point du lac, claudia

akasha, mother of the vampires, and lestat, her consort and betrayer

some of the children of the millenia and younger ones - armand, pandora, maharet the red, marius de romanus, khayman the elder

more!! haha!!

*scurries off to facebook to satisfy bloodlust*

twilight

here are the vampires. haha. a whole family of them ok?

and they played baseball, which they only can do during a thunderstorm, because of the racket they make when they PLAY baseball. which was one of the coolest scenes.

that being said, being the vampire aficionado that i am - this was a fair enough movie, with a nice twist on what being a vampire is like, versus stereotypes in my head. of course the dialogue was cliched and expected (even without reading the book) - i mean it is an against-all-odds-beat-the-fates-love-you-even-if-i-die (literally) story - but it still made for an engaging watch.

there were the sweet scenes, moments which you wish you could have and words you wish you could say to that special one - but they came a bit too frequently, so some of the impact was lost.

but who cares - you get the idea. and the vampire powers are super cool.

so, its a mixed review. don't count on my words, though. i liked it despite.

a final note...

to every society, there is an order. this is the functionalist perspective proposed by Durkheim. if the order were to be usurped, and everyone became leaders at the top, the pyramid of power would collapse due to the inbalance.

hence the natural order exists, that there are different levels of leadership and followers. perhaps that is why not everyone becomes the leader they want to be, or as "successful" as they want to be. not everyone can be the brick at the top, or the star shining above the zenith. but without the bricks below, there can be no top. and without the eyes to perceive, no one can appreciate the beauty of the star.

everyone fulfills a Divine purpose in their being.

un-RI-alised potentials?

it was an interesting conversation that azfar recounted to me. apparently it has not just been a niggling thought it my head, but also among some of my cohort mates... what has happened to the call for "auspicium melioris aevi"? has this call been answered, now that it's, let's see, about 10 years down the road?

my secondary school batchmates have been sounding off for a reunion to celebrate our tenth year from graduation... but when i saw the posting on facebook, it got me thinking about where i am now in my life... is it something that i am proud of? after all, it was a proud moment for our families (and ourselves) that we got accepted into that prestigious institution. but after all that hoohaa... what have we got to show for it? we were supposed to be the creme de la creme... but have we lived up to the name or the expectations that society (including ourselves, personally) had for us?

i remembered a composition which i wrote, and got 49/50 for it. that was in secondary 4. it was one of my proudest pieces of work, and it was apparently so good, that my English teacher said that i had the makings of an MP. i was actually entertaining those thoughts for a while, for the institution was a birthing place of ministers and bigwigs for the longest time. perhaps having been "raised" and "nurtured" under the same auspices as those elites, i believed that i too could make a change. i too could become one of the leaders of the community. i too could make a name for myself.

and maybe, that was the start of the problem.

being labelled an "elite" (i use this word with sarcasm aimed at myself) came with a bunch of pressures and responsibilities. you could hear it in people's words and tones that they expected the world of you. and being young and naive, what was i to do but bask in all the "glory" and "pride" that was accorded by virtue of being accepted in the institution? that is not to say that i was not proud and did not feel glorious - i felt every inch of it, because i knew i was deserving of the place. and in fact, i did quite well while in the institution. but once you let that go to your head, as how i told azfar, you become complacent, as i admitted felt i did. the whole idea that you are among the best of the best could have generated a false sense of security, perpetuating a vicious cycle that would come and bite me in my bum.

and perhaps some of the others in the batch as well.

i had wanted so much to live the life as one of the best, but i did not quite work as hard for it. i had perhaps thought that simply being there would have availed opportunities. education became somewhat sidelined, and school was a playground, entertaining fanciful fantasies of famous and fecund futures, without the labours.

but what is elitism all about? and how does elitism and education come together in a coherent match? i don't think they do at all, now. when one considers oneself an elite, one becomes obsessed with maintaining that status, which may come and go anytime. but when one gets an education, that education stays for life. one cannot consider oneself an elite, but it is a status that is accorded to one by others, by virtue of one's virtues.

i guess i learnt that the hard way. moving on to the affiliated college, i became disengaged with my own learning. the challenge sometimes became too much to bear. i was unable to adapt and cope quite as well as i though i could. among the "elite" i began to falter. and among the "elite", i began to realise my own shortcomings and limitations as a normal person. and the fallacious facade began to crack. i began to understand that perhaps my place was not to be among the "elite". and there was of course the flip-side - the lifestyle of the rich and famous, but not so-smart. that was a side that i never wanted to be a part of.

and that was my education.

it is only recently that the true lesson became clear - that you do not need to be among the "elite" - smart people, successful in life, making big bucks, etc. - to be able to help others. and sometimes, it is better for you to be out of the "elite" to be able to see and understand life - sometimes up there, all you can see are clouds and fluff, that blinds you to the grime and dirt at your feet.

back to the point i was trying to make. my batch.

when azfar and i discussed the younger batches, we came to the conclusion that they were faring much better than us, in terms of "living up" to the expectations of how graduates of the institution were to progress on in life. there are quite a number on various scholarships in prestigious universities abroad, and some are already back and in various executive positions in government stat boards. there are also a few who are slated for ministerial positions.

looking back at my batch, well, firstly, not everyone made it to university (myself included). not everyone is holding important positions, or high-paying or ranking jobs. most of us are just "normal" professionals, doing our jobs, like everyone else. but is that necessarily a negative thing? "hope for a better age" did not specify how we should live our lives, or how better "better" is. semantics i know, but the degree with which you perceive your success should be based on your own person and circumstances, and not based on others. and at the end, happiness is truly an individual experience. we are all holding jobs which we are happy and satisfied with, we are safe and stable, and we are each successful in our own little ways. yes, being a teacher, or being an occupational therapist may not be as wow as being a doctor or being a PhD student (no offence dear), but does it really matter at the end of it? it is just so subjective, that i even wonder if it is worth my ranting about here.

maybe not.

we are each our own persons, results of the circumstances that shaped our choices and values. and who or what we are today is undeniably more important than what we were in the past. if only we all realise this and act upon it, then we would have already become better people. however we serve our community, that is our way of making a better age and creating hope for a future.

thence we fulfill the motto, no?

dwelling in a past that is long gone is not for us...

peace my brothers.

the feast of the sacrifice

the day of the feast of the sacrifice is one to commemorate a few important things in the Islamic chronology.

firstly, it is a day to celebrate the completance of the most important event of the Muslim pilgrimage to Mecca, that is the wuquf of Arafah, of which picture is shown above. Wuquf means to stop and wait, and it symbolises the gathering of the masses, awaiting for Judgment on the Last Day. Here, all the pilgrims are clad in white, representing the equality of all before God, and each person supplicates with deepest sincerity for forgiveness and for His vast Mercy. It is truly the peak of the most difficult of the acts of worships. may Allah grant the pilgrims with a life-changing experience.

secondly, it is a day to honour the Prophets Abraham and Ismail (peace be upon them), and the deed of sacrifice that both unwavering undertook at the command of God. Ismail was the son of Abraham, and a beloved one. Yet when it was revealed unto Abraham to sacrifice his son in order to prove his obedience to God, Abraham without qualms, albeit tied with fatherly love, prepared to sacrifice Ismail, who in full knowledge, committed himself entirely to God's will. The fortitude of both these noble prophets were recognised and acknowledged, and at the last instance, God replaced the sacrifice that was Ismail, with a ram. Muslims nowadays sacrifice sheep, goats, cows, buffaloes and even camels in remembrance of the act, and to cleanse themselves of any form of egoistic self-worth which blinds and turns them away from God. it is a day to give thanks for all the blessings that God has given, and to understand the need for constant striving and sacrifice in order to achieve God's pleasure.

the sermon reminded Muslims to not rest on their laurels, and to be prepared to make their own little sacrifices in order to be able to overcome challenges in this life - be it economic, social or spiritual aspects.

indeed, the objective of life, one can say, is about reaping the fruits of the sacrifices that one makes throughout its course. may Allah forgive us all, and accept our little sacrifices, so that we may all receive His Pleasure.

OST Twilight - Paramore's Decode

am waiting for the movie to be released.
haha... i have a fetish for vampires... so guess this won't be ignored...
it's a beautiful song to me... love the tone...

"The truth is hiding in your eyes,
And it's hanging on your tongue,
Just boiling in my blood,
But you think that i cant see.
What kind of man that you are?
If you're man at all,
I will figure this one out.
On my own... "