the year past

an early post by gregorian standards, but a timely one for the muslim calendar. to all muslim friends, have a happy Muharram, and may this year be one of felicity and blessings by His Grace, amin.

many people spend this time in retrospection of the year that has gone past. and correctly so, for we are encouraged to also reflect back on ourselves for the things we have done, or may not have done, so that we can become better people.

this year has been a year of many sadnesses for me. the passing of my beloved grandparents are at the top of my list. Nani passed away in February, and Atok left us just recently in October. i miss them both very terribly, and i know that the rest of my family feel this sense of profound loss, that can never ever be filled. all i can do is to pray for them and hope that they are in a better place now.

this year has also been a year when i realised how differently i have come to value friendship. if you ask me now, i can somewhat say that i feel that i have lost quite a number of them, either physically or emotionally. distances and time apart has worn out relationships, which only seem to speak of how very tenuous they were in the first place. and perhaps, recent debacles have also affected me quite deeply, to the point that i may have become cynical again to the notion of what makes a true friend. accordingly, my social circles have also shrunk, and i am lesser of the extrovert that i used to be, and things have become somewhat mundane when it comes to people.

i made promises to people, i made myself out to be solid and reliable, but increasingly i am finding myself unable to fulfill these promises, and finding myself being the one needing support. i have lost something somewhere, and i am not sure what it is, which will make finding it again all the more harder.

looking inside, i am spiritually undernourished, yearning for a spring from which i can drink from to refresh myself. i feel that i have made so many aims for myself, but unfortunately, never quite reaching the destination i set out to arrive at. yes, it's not the destination but the journey that counts, but pit stops which never seem to avail themselves for you to rest your weary soul, or the lack thereof can really drain you. i want to ask for permission to go, but i don't know whether if i go i will be able to drink directly from the fount.

have i been a good employee to my organisation?
have i been a good son to my father and mother?
have i been a good brother to my siblings?
have i been a good friend to my companions?
have i been a good Muslim?

have i become a better person in the last year?

i cannot say for certain that i have. and i fear to say that i may have regressed.
the only one who remains when everyone has moved on.
the one that will not flourish.

Allah, forgive me.