past mid-month.

coming close to the 20th day of fasting. so far so good.
some trips along the path, but generally maintaining well.

went out with the inspirez peeps for a breakfast last tuesday at amirah's grill.
it was really nice seeing everyone back together. a few people were missing with apologies, but that did not matter, cos they were there in spirit. and glad to know that our spirit as a group was still going on strong, with the plans to go out jalan raya, and to contribute to some social events as a team. indeed, i am so proud of us. keep it up yea?

my busiest week at work so far with the standard 3 clients to see in a day. travelling really drains me physically, and financially - last transport claim for the month was $77 just for buses and trains. but it really feels good to be so busy and moving around, because sometimes the thought of going into the office really wilts me - not because there is work to do there, but because i am going to be stuck in front of the computer. haha. but work needs to be done, so i drag myself anyways.

A heard me talking about trying to save up, and thought that i did not have enough money. and made some remarks. not that i took offence, but even if i do not have enough, allow me the dignity to contribute what i can, please. but A is a really close friend, so i don't think he meant any harm in what he said. he just doesn't realise it sometimes. A also commented on how i managed the kids that day, and said that i could improve on how i handled their comments. well, sometimes i also don't realise what i say myself, so if i let anyone down, forgive me.

not perfect, not perfect.

on other issues.

Addah was warded for gall-stones, and is reportedly very weak. She is recuperating at TTSH, and i pray that she heals up properly. Pray for her health, those who know her.

Nazli apparently got a miracle when his knee (meniscus issues) sort of healed itself as he prayed terawih. such good news for him, and i am gladdened. Pray for his health too, those who know him.

All my babes will be facing their quizzes and mini-tests this coming weeks, as the break is over. Insya Allah you will all do well and get through this stressful 2-3 weeks, k?

and i was pleasantly surprised that someone tried to matchmake me.
haha. may Allah bless your efforts la mami jarum.
haha.

standing still

love this song.
just recalled it when i saw a friend's nick on msn.
and remembered how it called out to me.



"do you love me,
like i love you,
or am i standing still...?"

review of the past days...

so was sick.

then did not need to go work, cos of fear of implicating clients with compromised immunity.
and got the rest i so wanted for the past week. if i considered the weekends, then its 4 days straight of rest. which actually felt good. cos i think i will be refreshed. i hope, haha.
yeaps.


sat was juni's birthday.

happy birthday juni.
cos aizad said to wish you at 8.30am, i did not do so at the stroke of midnight. hence the super duper belated message. but still wished you anyways. and hope that you enjoyed the day with us, and may Allah bless you with the graces that you desire, and those that will benefit you.


and it was also another day out with the peeps.

this time round with the kassim peeps. the ones who went before just went straight for the food. 45 minutes to get from kassim to geylang, and then another full 40 minutes to queue and get the food, and to sit down and eat. everyone only came back around 11.45pm or so... haha. geylang is such madness. but food was good. so next time i go, i will only be left with the prawns and the kebaboms. my final foods that i have not managed to eat (given the amount of food we buy each time, it was prudent not to buy all that we could). well, at least it would be a reason to go down to geylang again. haha.

hik, whatever we talked about remains between us. amanah tau.

and i was touched by what was said. it appears that you are quite a loved person. you may just brush it aside... but really. i think that you have been blessed, cos not everyone receives love as you do. and somehow or rather, people compete for your attention. and in trying to please others, you sometimes find yourself needing to sacrifice other people. it is a hard position you are in. may Allah grant you the strength to bear with what others put you through, and the rewards for the intentions that you have.

sorry if ever things were made difficult by me.

and finally...

i have fallen sick.
urgh.

its a matter of getting my immune system back on track.
cos i have been meeting too many people who are unwell.

rest.

tired, and in need

i don't know why, but i have been feeling slightly lethargic at work the past week.
almost like i am utterly stretched out, when the truth is that i am not quite as worked out as i make myself out to be. days sometimes start late, and end early, but still i find myself not quite in the same element as i was when i initially started.

i hope that it is not burn-out.

it cannot be burn out, 'cos i still enjoy seeing my clients and working with them.

but maybe its the amount of associated work which i am not too keen on doing.
and also the other projects which i need to complete, but haven't really got around to them.

i have the ideas in my head, but to realise them, and to actualise the plans, well, all these take more time than i feel i have in hand. and sometimes, time spent in the office is really not one i look forward to, because it may mean that my plans may be encumbered.

i want to be able to work properly, and work through my clients thoroughly.
but at the current rate we are going, it seems like i am bounded by the idiocies of number-crunching administrators, over whom i have no control. and frankly, it sucks.

next quarter, it all begins over again.
and not something that i quite look forward to.

and it of course does not help that i am not in top physical form.
falling sick and feeling it, well, just drives my energy way low.

been wanting to take some time off to reorganise my work.
but because of the current load, it is a bit difficult to do that.
yes some may say that you got the time when you go home to do the necessary, but usually by the time i reach home, i am too unmotivated to work on work. 'cos travelling drains me.

sigh.

complaining a lot aren't i?
and its really barely 3 months, though it seems like it has been so much longer.

i guess these are just the rantings of a newbie in worklife.

i have not lost my reason.

i watched grey's today, despite being warned not to. show is such a tearjerker. they soooo know how to play on emotions. i got something from the show, though. why i choose to be in this line of work, and why i will continue to be in this line of work. the power of the human soul, to conquer in times of adversity, and the gift of adaptability and flexibility in face of diverse circumstances. i want to be a witness to that. and that's why i am still here.

first weekend

it was a nice first weekend.
and i actually enjoyed every minute of it.
despite not liking crowds at that place.
going with them made it so much more bearable.
and my diet just went to the blazes last night as well, with the amount of food we bought.
it was really a matter of letting the basic instincts lead you.
so much for control la.
but i guess it was ok la... not THAT bad.
we ate and drank and chatted till like past midnight.
and we did not miss terawih. so good on us.

but i felt a bit bad leaving, even though i knew there was some work to be done.
hikmah said i should join exco, 'cos i am committed. haha. sure.
but i guess the commitment may be wrong placed.
and i dunno if the sacrifices made will be perceived.
but that's really not for me to say.

anyways, on sacrifices, here's a touching music video.



hopeless romantic. yes i am.

ramadhan

the key word i will try to live by this fasting month is "istiqamah".

some narrations label it as consistency in performing your deeds, however small that deed is.
do not attempt to take on a task that eventually burdens you, and you leave it half-fulfilled. if you have made the decision to do a task, perform it whole-heartedly, and follow through till the end.

Shaykh, in his writings, defines it by its roots - "qum", to stand - and elaborates to define it as the standing up for what is right and should be done, and not faltering. "muraqabah" - vigilance, and "yaqazah" - self awareness, are two sub-traits that lead to the ability to have istiqamah.

i am not perfect, and there are many instances where i have picked up certain things, but then, due to my own weaknesses, i fail to follow through. as a result, i am a composite of broken pieces, but not one whole by myself. and because of that, my internal integrity is absent. and that can be very worrisome, because i lose track of who i am, what i want to become, and where my final destination is.

indeed i need to be more vigilant and aware of my own status, and why i do the things i do. and i must be aware of the greater Purpose of things, and if i am faltering and failing myself.

i seek Guidance from Him in this blessed month.

May we all be rewarded with His Pleasure for our endeavours.

hidden blessings

i did not initially intend to go for the gathering. because i already made prior plans.
but after Shaykh's advice, i decided to go.
because i shouldn't mope and be petty towards you.

but it was a decision with hidden blessings.

if i had not gone, i would not have met my cousin who is on a break from her England studies.
if i had not gone, i would not have met my friend who is finally back from Aussie.
if i had not gone, i would not have met my guardians who cheered me up loads.

if i had not gone, i would not have known if you had forgiven me, and that we were ok.
if i had not gone, i would not have had the opportunity to talk to you, and realise that you cared more than you show.

thankful indeed, i am.

to always do good, else intend to do good

i don't know if i have been selfish, egocentric or whatever. but the past few times, whenever i feel slighted, it was always that the world was set against me. and that nobody cared, and that nobody knew what i was going through.

and i set myself up to feel really angry and full of angst against whichever thing that made me begin to feel like that. and it is sometimes just so much easier to blame the predicaments i am in on others, and not because i am myself at fault, or certain aspects of me are not in harmony with others.

then Shaykh came and spoke to us about the weighing of one's deeds.

and what he said hit right home, as always.

"You may think that you have done good, that you have accumulated enough merit in life when you face your Lord. But when your good deeds have been fully accounted for, He will then call out for those whom you have oppressed, those whom you have hurt, those whom you have offended, those whom you have hated unrightfully, those whom you have felt angry against unrightfully... all these people will then be given shares from your deeds in compensation for your misdeeds against them, until there are no more deeds to give away, then shares from their sins will be added onto your own in replacement. So beware of yourself, and your own nature, because those who face this situation in the Hereafter are truly without assets."

i don't know how many people i have hurt in my life, either knowingly or unknowingly.
i don't know how many people i have hated, although i know that the number is substantial.
i don't know how many people i have been angry at, at the slightest of offences.

i shudder to think about my status in this matter.

so i apologise beforehand to all who read my blog, just in case i have hurt you all.
because i don't think i can bear the burden of my own doings.

reasons to carry on

not suffering from burn out of course, no.
but just great moments in the career of choice, that cements the decision to step forward and carry on.

a client's sense of ability, that he can once again use his hands to comb his hair.
a client's sense of well-being, after completing a shower on his own.
a sister's relief that someone cares enough and understands what she's going through.
a wife's hope that her husband can once again get well.
a brother's elation that his sibling will be able to go and work.
a mother's joy and gratitude that her son can become more independent.
a family's opportunity to work together to grow as one.

reasons to carry on.
and reasons i have encountered.

step away, one step away

its possibly a decision that i make consciously.
to move a step away from you.

it was heartening to read about you, and to hear about you in the media, for all the hopes and aspirations that the community has placed implicitly on you.

even my family was talking about you.

and yes, these are proud moments for me too, having made your acquaintance.
but only being a close one for the moments which have so long passed.

and moments, which will never come again.

i know that life has taken you there, and that its not something that i can be jealous of.
because i know that the path you take, i can never dream of following.
your own talents and gifts have placed you opportunely, and as a friend, i can only pray that you succeed.

but as a friend, i feel i have lost you.
to what, to whom, i cannot say.

so i am stepping away, one step away.
its not far, just in case you somehow still need me.
but far enough, just so that it makes it easier for me to breathe.

speech

good speech vs bad speech


sometimes i should practice the advice that one should remain silent unless one has something good to say.


in some traditions, Saiyidina Ali was reported to keep a pebble in his mouth, only removing it when he had something truly worthwhile to mention. even so, he would speak only what was necessary, and refrain from excessive speech.


i should endeavour.


cos my words apparently offend, irritate and anger others.


if addressing using terms of endearment are somehow offensive, then tell me please.
but pray, do not make fun of it.