those we seek to understand

"those we seek to understand

are those whose lives are deeply intertwined

with our very nature, our very spirit, our very essence

those we seek to understand

are those who represent our dreams

they underscore our purposes, our desires and our goals

yet,

seeking to understand

those we seek to understand

is a monumental task of seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, tasting, feeling and knowing

the natures, spirits and essences; the purposes, desires and goals

of those we seek to understand

and it is only

only if we seek to understand ourselves

can we begin to comprehend

those we seek to understand."

i dedicate this poem to you,

who have willingly shared your thoughts with me,

and who gave me comfort in my time of need.

truly, we rarely talk anymore.

and when we do, there is an awkwardness that wasn't there before.

i don't understand why.

but i pray that we never move apart,

because that would just break my heart.

be well, dear brother.

intelligent poem

I Saw a Peacock, with a fiery tail,

I saw a Blazing Comet, drop down hail,

I saw a Cloud, with Ivy circled round,

I saw a sturdy Oak, creep on the ground,

I saw a Pismire, swallow up a Whale,

I saw a raging Sea, brim full of Ale,

I saw a Venice Glass, Sixteen foot deep,

I saw a well, full of mens tears that weep,

I saw their eyes, all in a flame of fire,

I saw a House, as big as the Moon and higher,

I saw the Sun, even in the midst of night,

I saw the man, that saw this wondrous sight.

making up

i wrote about that dream i had.
well, it did not come true, because you did not come for the event.
but we somehow managed to patch things up.
for which i am happy.

but there is now the understanding of what will never be ever again.

before i leave, i just want to say i am sorry again for everything.
and thank you.

rita's wedding

so so... i attended the wedding of rita, my dear friend from waaaaaay back. she got married to keita, a japanese journalist, and all time nice guy... wah... he is so soft spoken it puts me to shame to speak loudly in front of him. but he is nice. and according to rita, he loves all her friends. hahaha. so much so that he would be at peace with leaving her in our able hands when she's giving birth. the gall!

rita asked that i assist her sister in the running of the day's events. haha. i damned well did my work ok? hur hur... but i was glad to be able to be a part of her celebrations. so to sum it up, here are some peektures. enjoyer!

rita's husband to be - keita ikeda (awaiting the solemnisation)

the qadi (registrar) going through the necessary documents before beginning the solemnisation

the bride and groom during the sanding session - dun they look cute??

taufiq was melur's partner for the day... now THEY look cute together... haha.

feeding each other the cake - their cake is a 4 tier creation, made of little brownies. nice.

azhar nor lesta sang us a few songs...

elfee ismail, son of local legend R. ismail sang a few songs (superb voice)...

in the spirit of the union between japan and singapore, we stuffed our faces with sushi.

...and typically took a japanese kawaii shot. me, keita, taufiq, rita, natalie, natasha.


the proud family, with new additions.

officially the last days of school

yups. me having exams now.
the FINAL exams for nyp.

school's finally going to be out.
and working life is beginning.

but i soooooooooo wanna continue studying. haha.
applied to la trobe, and will apply to uni south aussie.
both offer good programmes for degree conversion.

that means i will be away from country for 1 year.
hmm, other set of problems then.

haha.

more updates to come!

sydney attachment

did not think that it was so troublesome when planning for the attachments.
because, damn it, they expect us to go and do everything ourselves.

flight tickets, accommodations, insurance, visas, immunisations, the works.
all to be settled by ourselves.

its super stressful, especially now that you're so close to it already... because many things are not settled. at times i even wonder if its worth all the money and trouble that i am going through.

at least $4000, and time spent running around making the arrangements during FYP and exams. utterly stressful.

i guess its all part of the experience.

i am nervous as shit.

tentatively, i will leave on the 27th of March, and come back on the 12th of May.
this is of course for those who care.
any more updates, i will just post it up again.

touched

sometimes its difficult to be a person with high EQ that you are...
trying to please everyone... and fear of feeling guilty all the time...
But that shudn't be the case for me... coz forgiveness is always there when it comes to you...

yesterday you told me this. and i could not help but laugh and cry at the same time.

because, very few people make the effort to try to see where i am coming from.
even lesser finally come to this conclusion.
and only one or two have ever dared to tell me this face up.
and for these people, i am most grateful that He has gifted me with them.

i know its me being emo again.
but you know i love you.
and this is why i will love you more.

penat

kadang-kadang nak jaga hati orang penat. tapi nizar rasa nak jaga hati diri sendiri lagi penat. lebih-lebih lagi kalau hati sendiri penuh karenah... boleh lagi penat kalau nak layankan karenah diri sendiri. sebab layankan karenah, ikutkan hati sangat, marah ker, benci ker, tersinggung ker, nanti akibatnya orang lain juga yang terluka. lepas dah sakitkan hati orang lain, kan terpaksa nak ubat. ye lah, kata diri sendiri yang dah buat salah. jadi kalau dah sadar diri buat salah, cubalah betulkan. jadi nak betulkan tu banyak cara, mintak maaf, pujuk, berbaik-baik. tapi bila hati orang lain dah lali kat karenah kita, sebab dah berpuluh-puluh kali disakiti, kadang-kadang mintak maaf ker, pujuk ker, semua tak jalan. kadang-kadang, lebih orang tu kita sayang, lebih sakit dia kena, lepas tu lebih banyak kita kena betulkan. haiz, tapi setiap orang tu ada hadnya. kalau dah terlepas had, memang susah nak betulkan dengan sempurna.

nizar pon ada had nizar. tapi seberapa banyak nizar boleh, kalau nizar sakitkan hati orang, nizar cuba berbaik-baik semula. sebab nizar tahu pada asalnya, nizar sayang. tapi ada jugak masanya, nizar pon akan tersinggung. tapi orang selalu kata nizar ni sensitif, sikit-sikit merajuk. ok la, nizar terima. tapi sedihnya, orang tak nampak, parut yang orang kasi belum betul-betul baik. senang-senang orang ingat, semuanya dah seperti asal. tapi apa nizar nak buat, takkan nak kata nizar masih marah kalau orang lain dah tak kisahkan lagi?

jadi, kadang-kadang nizar pon malas nak layankan karenah diri sendiri la. sebabnya, kadang-kadang orang lain pon tak paham sangat apa yang nizar rasakan. bila nizar dah mintak maaf, pon tak dilayankan sangat. takpa, sekurang-kurangnya, orang tahu nizar dah mintak maaf.

tapi sedih jugak dibuatnya, apabila orang tak erti sakit hati yang dialami.

anyways, i already apologised and made attempts to reconcile twice. but it seemed as if you don't really care anymore. i just hope it does not turn out the way the dream did. we will somehow meet this sunday at the wedding. it will be awkward for sure, but it will still be done. if you don't want to reconcile, it is fine by me, although it will be painful. i can sort of understand why you would act that way, and i will try to understand. but i hope that at least we can be cordial. i know i will try to. my only question will be, why did things have to come to this end?

fikiran

semalaman ku renungkan
keadaanku yang berduka
yang hiba tanpa ku erti mengapa

dan dalam lamunan
ku teringat para kekasihNya
dan keadaan mereka bercinta
sesama mereka, dan bersamaNya

sesungguhnya Dia tidak perlu pada kasih mereka
sesungguhnya Dia tidak mendamba cinta buta
sesungguhnya Dia hanya ingin pengabdian hamba

namun,
para kekasih terus bercinta
para kekasih masih berusaha
mengejar pandangan kasih Sang Pencinta
yang sekilas lalu mampu membawa manis tak terhingga

dalam gembira, Sang Pencinta
dalam duka, Sang Pencinta
dalam marah, Sang Pencinta
dalam asmara, Sang Pencinta
dalam kaya, Sang Pencinta
dalam hina, Sang Pencinta

setiap detik saat yang berlalu
para kekasih tetap bertuju
sehati sehalu
pada haqiqat Hu.

dan ku tetap dalam lamunan insaniyah ku

sesungguhnya
dalam ku bersahabat dan berkerabat
dalam ku menjalin jalinan terikat
mungkin itu yang ku cari secara tersirat
mungkin itu yang ku harap menjadi haqiqat

cinta yang mengenangku walau sejenak masa
tak kira di waktu bersama atau jauh di mata
cinta yang menghargaiku setiap ketika
tak kira sama ada ku patut menerima
cinta yang wujud dan ku peka kewujudannya

tapi ku akur harapanku mungkin lamunan semata
ku akur harapanku mungkin mainan hati yang hiba
ku terima haqiqat yang tak mungkin menjadi nyata

masakan cintaku sama cinta mereka;
masakan cintaku bermakna pada mereka;
masakan cintaku sedarjat cinta Awliya;
masakan cintaku patut dianggap berharga?

ku hanya mampu mencinta, dan mendamba dicinta kembali.

remember - josh groban

Remember,

I will still be here

As long as you hold me, in your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended

Time can be transcended

Just remember me

I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly,

It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun

I'm with you

Whenever you tell my story

For I am all I've done

Remember,

I will still be here

As long as you hold me in your memory

Remember me

I am the one voice in the cold wind that whispers

And if you listen, you'll hear me call across the sky

As long as I still can reach out, and touch you

Then I will never die

Remember,

I'll never leave you

If you will only

Remember me

Remember me...

Remember,

I will still be here

As long as you hold me

In your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended

Time can be transcended

I live forever

Remember me

Remember me

Remember me...

reaping what you sow

excerpt from Uan's blog

If you plant honesty, you will reap trust
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness
If you plant perseverance, you will reap victory
If you plant consideration, you will reap harmony
If you plant hard work, you will reap success
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation
If you plant openness, you will reap intimacy
If you plant patience, you will reap improvements
If you plant faith, you will reap miracles

But...

If you plant dishonesty, you will reap distrust
If you plant selfishness, you will reap loneliness
If you plant pride, you will reap destruction
If you plant envy, you will reap trouble
If you plant laziness, you will reap stagnation
If you plant bitterness, you will reap isolation
If you plant greed, you will reap loss
If you plant gossip, you will reap enemies
If you plant worries, you will reap wrinkles
If you plant sin, you will reap guilt

that phase again

last night i could not sleep.

i found myself staring at the ceiling of my room, wide awake, and no indication of falling under the sandman's spell.

and i found myself so intensely brooding about the things i dreamt in the afternoon, that i was consciously becoming depressed. how can you consciously become depressed? well, you just do.

but anyways, this was one dream which i could not put out of my head.

the silence between us had dragged on too long. then we met at an event, which both of us had to attend, and we knew it was unavoidable. i spoke first, but ur demeanour had changed totally. you were not the nonchalant person you were before, the one who just let everything flow under the proverbial bridge. you had somehow let this thing set in, and it was something that you felt very strongly about and you were not willing to let it pass. and although i behaved like it did not matter to me, that i still did not regret what i said because of what you did, it occured to me that the damage i inflicted this time round, was far more insipidous than those i had before. and it showed, in your manner. and i knew that i had lost you.

this was my unconscious playing out. i had often called for you to be less apathetic. but in this dream, when you were not apathetic, i could not take it. and i was affected by the profundity of this dream. just says what a conflicting person i am.

at a recent event, someone remarked on my mannerisms, something i did not expect to come from him. i was asked if something was disturbing me. i read the slightest bit of sarcasm and mockery in his tone. but when i asked him what he meant and intended when he asked me those questions, he said that he meant nothing. but i am sure something deep down must have provoked his questions. i don't know what, but i fear to know it.

my busy schedule in school has kept me away from some friends. some for quite a while. but i have grown comfortable with the distance, and i have grown comfortable with the lack of concern. i have been said to be someone who is needy and dependent on my friends, and indeed i agree that i am needy and dependent. but the dependence came about because i felt needed first, and it just became a reciprocity for me. the frequentness of contact allowed me to nurture my affections. but the affections may be fallacious, and all too one-sided. and it is now that i begin to realise, that maybe those i love, don't love me quite as much.

i thought i knew people, and i thought that people knew me too. but maybe i have been thinking that i know, too much for my own good. because at the end of the day, i don't know what people think of me, and the way i am. maybe i read the wrong signals from people, and maybe people read the wrong things from me. i don't know if people see me with kind eyes, or with cursing eyes. i don't know if the level of comfort i have with them, echo the level of comfort they have with me. i don't know if all that i have is but a farce, and that everyone is just acting around me.

i don't think that i am speaking only out of depression.

but at least i know i speak from my heart.

don't say that i am sensitive. i am just more aware than many people can be.

one path closed.

the peeps at MOE decided that I was not suitable for the post of a special needs officer.
i just received the rejection letter today.

although i am sad that it wasn't me who got the chance to reject them, in some ways, i am rather thankful that this path has been closed to me. One of my supervisors commented that the path was not a suitable path for me, and that i should be looking ahead at bigger things. i guess the way i presented myself at the interview, was not what they were looking for in an SNO.

and i know i prayed to be shown a path which i would not regret and a path which would bring me to benefit others the most. maybe this is the answer to the prayers i made.

to those who had wished i was successful, thank you for the well-wishes. i appreciate it.
to those who had hoped i got the job, thank you for hoping, but sorry to disappoint.

there is always something out there that i do not know, that i cannot see.
may the closure of this path lead me to something which is better. Amin.

glad we put it behind us.

hey,

i am glad you did not choose to just disappear after what had happened, and after i wrote what i did. and i am glad you had the courage to speak to me and to apologise. i am happy that you decided that it was not worth keeping away just because of what happened. i appreciate that you appreciate our friendship enough to carry on.

thank you.

week 9

which is this week.
is a mad school week.
because we had our life assignment to hand in on monday.
and a literature review to hand in on monday.
then we had like a presentation to present on wednesday.
and of course all along with FYP and what nots.

but the saving graces were, the last presentation, we scored full marks. haha.
full marks for the amount of work we put in... so worth it la.

and then had some spiritual fulfilment too at a class i attended with a teacher whom many said looks like me. i went to see, and yes, we look the same, even the words we use are the same... haha. and the lesson taught was enlightening.

so good week.

alteRisk

the name of the camp i helped out in last week... but of course haven't updated yet.
innovative name, by the ways... and innovative running of the camp too!

it was a two day one night camp... and what a mad rush it was...
damn shagged by the time it was over...

started off on saturday morning with dragon boating... and swimming in the sludgy singapore river... then while the kids went back to the mosque, me, uan, mud, nas and abu lepakked to eat and bath at hajjah fatimah and beach road... then when we went back to the mosque, kids were doing up their t-shirts... then there was a talk by hafiedzul and omar... and then the night jaunt commenced at 11 plus and ended at 3 plus in the morning... hahaha... madness... no sleep at all... and everyone was just living off the other person's energy... i personally stayed awake and tried to do some reading... which was another mad thing to do... because i was just failing miserably... although awake, my brains were sooooooooooo asleep...

aiyah... but that's not the story la. i enjoyed myself. met so many new people who were mad to be with, and still could spend time with those i love. hur hur.

yeah camps are nice.