that phase again

last night i could not sleep.

i found myself staring at the ceiling of my room, wide awake, and no indication of falling under the sandman's spell.

and i found myself so intensely brooding about the things i dreamt in the afternoon, that i was consciously becoming depressed. how can you consciously become depressed? well, you just do.

but anyways, this was one dream which i could not put out of my head.

the silence between us had dragged on too long. then we met at an event, which both of us had to attend, and we knew it was unavoidable. i spoke first, but ur demeanour had changed totally. you were not the nonchalant person you were before, the one who just let everything flow under the proverbial bridge. you had somehow let this thing set in, and it was something that you felt very strongly about and you were not willing to let it pass. and although i behaved like it did not matter to me, that i still did not regret what i said because of what you did, it occured to me that the damage i inflicted this time round, was far more insipidous than those i had before. and it showed, in your manner. and i knew that i had lost you.

this was my unconscious playing out. i had often called for you to be less apathetic. but in this dream, when you were not apathetic, i could not take it. and i was affected by the profundity of this dream. just says what a conflicting person i am.

at a recent event, someone remarked on my mannerisms, something i did not expect to come from him. i was asked if something was disturbing me. i read the slightest bit of sarcasm and mockery in his tone. but when i asked him what he meant and intended when he asked me those questions, he said that he meant nothing. but i am sure something deep down must have provoked his questions. i don't know what, but i fear to know it.

my busy schedule in school has kept me away from some friends. some for quite a while. but i have grown comfortable with the distance, and i have grown comfortable with the lack of concern. i have been said to be someone who is needy and dependent on my friends, and indeed i agree that i am needy and dependent. but the dependence came about because i felt needed first, and it just became a reciprocity for me. the frequentness of contact allowed me to nurture my affections. but the affections may be fallacious, and all too one-sided. and it is now that i begin to realise, that maybe those i love, don't love me quite as much.

i thought i knew people, and i thought that people knew me too. but maybe i have been thinking that i know, too much for my own good. because at the end of the day, i don't know what people think of me, and the way i am. maybe i read the wrong signals from people, and maybe people read the wrong things from me. i don't know if people see me with kind eyes, or with cursing eyes. i don't know if the level of comfort i have with them, echo the level of comfort they have with me. i don't know if all that i have is but a farce, and that everyone is just acting around me.

i don't think that i am speaking only out of depression.

but at least i know i speak from my heart.

don't say that i am sensitive. i am just more aware than many people can be.