and hypocrite, i am

you know, this all is getting to sound a lot similar to what i wrote in my diary...the same themes, the same people, the same emotional outbursts and baggage... but since i never tire of it (or i hope i do not, otherwise this blog will cease to exist), i guess you just have to bear with my crap.

well, the most recent spat that i have has reached a peak. with me confronting him, totally going against what i said i will not do. i promised myself to be indifferent and carefree, and not be affected. and i was going on just fine, until a friend said that he thought i was pissed off at him. in my typical need-to-be-on-top-and-oh-so-noble-and-refined-and-in-the-right manner, i gave him a message, stating my not-pissed off state, but rather my unreactive state of being to his antagonistic ways.

and he apologised at apparently having misread me, though i think in truth, we both know that i am somewhat pissed. and he "excused" himself by saying that he too was taking "time off to be alone to think shit through." yah, ok, whatever. it did not really matter to me what he said, that part is true. but i just had to make my stand that i was not at fault, as always.

hypocrite, i am by two counts.

first i said that i do not care; but in fact i do, to protect me as the good guy.
second i said i no longer care; but in fact i still do, love lives still in me.

so, hypocrite, i am.

the worth of regrets

I did something i should not have done this morning. I slammed the door on my innocent mother who was just trying to bring to my attention what an idiot had done. I vented my anger on her when she did not deserve it. and i should not have. she did not deserve it. how could i have been just simply unthinking and done that?

my sister then messaged me and told me that i should not have done it. believe me, i know i should not have. but the deed's been done, and i cannot take it back. and i am sorry about what i did, and how it reflects on me, but i cannot take back that one impression that i made on my mom, and in my own mind. what the hell was i, as a son, thinking of when i followed my emotions and acted rudely towards the person who bore me up and gave me my life?

but what can i do?

it has been done.

sorry for it, but sorry doesn't mean anything much does it?
my regrets do not really take away the pain that my mother felt when i behaved unjustly.
sorry sorry sorry.
i cannot do anything much.

i feel exactly now like that idiot whom she was telling me about. and i curse that idiot because his deed made me be rude to my mother.

i curse him with an endless regret, that will only bring him pain and suffering, ever-increasing.

let him feel the worthlessness of regret.

of apologies and solitude

what is the use of apologies if one does not learn from one's mistake? why even bother repeating that word sorry, when all that it entails is a repetition of the deed that warranted it? why demean and de-value that sincere word which could save oneself from condemnation? why say it when you do not mean it? why do you trust that it will make everything ok again, when you yourself do not believe in its true value and live by it? why even bother?

and why do you claim to be alone when that solitude is self-imposed? why claim that you are alone, when that loneliness you bring upon yourself as an effect to your actions? why do you enoble that state of being which only arose from your lack of grace? you justify your ways by justifying your feeble self.

you really think too highly of yourself.

you are really, simply not worth it.

all flying away...

it is monday, and as of today two friends are away to australia...not coming back for a period of time...sad for me...and these two friends have in their time with me proven to be special in their own ways...the short guy has been rather irritating at times, but proven to be some sort of comic relief in the drabness of business life...and the tall girl has been no less of a good conversationalist and enlightening companion... and though time has been short between us, it has proven to be most fruitful in bearing my love for them... thank you, take care and study hard...till fate decrees we meet again. and to my ex-twin who's a hunk now...hahaha..be good and we'll miss you lots...don't be naughty down under...hahahhaha...what a pun...

well, talking about all flying away, i realise that i no longer crave for certain things and that i am more or less feeling rather ilked by the thought of my past desires. and since its all going away right, i am going to go with the flow, and just keep those cravings away. i dun want to be caught up in that web of apathy and unreciprocrated love anymore. it just all seems so meaningless to me now...

but at the same time, i do not want to lose myself in my own tide of carefree-ness. but me being me, i might just get carried away.

thank goodness for those who are my roots and keep me from being "gone with the wind".

hahahaha...i crack myself up at my analogies.

overstepping the boundaries

i place limits on myself so that i will not transgress whatever principles i have set in my actions and behaviour. and one of the most important limits that i have placed is the limit to my following emotions till it hurts people.

well, yesterday, being the emotional day that it was, left me with a really bad headache, which did not seem to subside even as the day passed. and all my planning for the time did not fall through, how i was supposed to spend my time dancing and then going for supper.

well, the absence for the dance was because of an insult which i took too personally, when the guy already said that he only meant it as a joke...and that he would support me if i took part in anything. but i chose to carry my emotions too far, and as a result, i did not go. i affected the two who did, and made one of them really pissed. for which i am sorry.

and since i did not go for the dance, and foreseeing the state of emotions that the two would be in, i decided against the supper as well.

but as it happened, the dance went very well, and the supper happened as well. and without me. i mean it is good that they can go on without me, because that is what i would have happen rather than having them being affected and cancelling plans altogether when i was the one with the mood swings. but it made me feel bad that i made a promise, or rather sort of gave my word, but then did not hold on to it. in that, i overstepped my boundaries.

but with respect to that someone, well, we had a meeting just now. and it was ever so apparent how apathetic that someone was. and i realised that i was actually affected by it. when i should not be. and i will try to not be. however, even a very close companion said that he could only sense a very superficial level of relationship with that someone when i brought up the issue.

which says that it is not my fault for feeling like this.

and that i am not overstepping my boundaries.

i like feeling correct.

bleargh

it's valentine's day and to all those who have their love out there, happy valentine's day. hold on and never lose faith in that dream and love, lest you become like me.

well, i am stuck at home since morning. though the day was initially full of plans, now i have made the whole day seem so empty and wasted. was supposed to go and meet my friends for a dance and then supper session in the afternoon, so i spent the better half of the morning sleeping in and watching cartoons and having breakfast.

then noon approached and i went online to chat with another group of friends, and told them my plans for the day. when they heard i was going to dance, they made some comments i would rather help myself forget. well, to them, i say thanks for the encouragement and support. well, for them, i made the decision to not go for the dance practice. and my whole day is now spoilt. i do not even feel like going for the supper now. all i want to do is to stay in my sanctuary, away from everyone who are so kind and loving.

i used to let these useless comments just pass me by. i used to stand strong and face whatever criticism with a smile. but lately, i have lost the strength to fight. and i am fearing that i am even losing my self-confidence. in my bid to not care, i know that i am not caring about other people in terms of the shit that they bring upon themselves, but am i also not suppose to care about what people say to me? i mean that has been a strength of mine, but i guess i am taking a really deviated approach to my life now.

which leaves me with a bad aftertaste in my mental mouth.

BLEARGH

and so...?

oops, i realised i sidetracked there.

back to my jadedness and Moulin Rouge.

well, so because of these selfish people, i have sort of become jaded. and i am in the process of becoming even more so, as i seek to protect myself from being hurt. to whom it may concern, good luck to you when you face me then. there was a time when i gave you chances, but i did not really see you taking good opportunity to reflect and change. everytime, all you said was that you wanted to change, but sadly the change was temporary.

it is difficult to change one's own character, i admit. even i have flaws which i would gladly trade for better virtues. but at least i can live with it. and unfortunately for either of us, you can live with your flaws too. and i will not make any more effort to try to change you. i have to accept that which i refused to accept many times before. that perhaps we are incompatible socially. so there. you can take yourself somewhere else or to someone else who will bear your faults with greater patience than i, and hopefully you find respite there.

so Moulin Rouge is no more a perfectly touching love story, it is just a fleeting imaginary impression of a love that can never exist here in the real world.

reminiscence

in a few days' time they are going to show the enchantingly beautiful Moulin Rouge on tv for valentine's day.
and i was too eager to watch it again, and could not wait. so i watched the one which i had on my computer. the show used to evoke a sense of longing in me. for a love that is pure and unadulterated, a love that will overcome all obstacles, a love that will bring two souls together in the most divine experience, that will leave both parties utterly breathless, a love that will never be able to bring forth words in description.

love.

but at the last viewing of it, somehow, i just did not feel that which i used to feel. the craving and yearning for that sense of emotion was not there. i used to cry watching it, because i could relate to it. or at least i thought i could. now, it all seems just too perfect and too impossible. i do not think that it is me that is jaded, but then again, i could be.

i used to be able to see all things in their beauty and appreciate fully the implications and value that they possess. but now, it is like i am blurred and clouded in my appreciation. i have been hardened by some things that have transpired in the past weeks, where my heart, slighted the number of times that it was, has grown rather cold. i tire of giving to others when others do not give back just as wholly. and i tire of that tired feeling. a problem persistent among many people is that they are selfish. but in their selfishness, they are protected from their emotions. but in my generosity of giving my heart to people, i expose myself, leaving me vulnerable to the words and actions of people. and my foolish ways lead me to people who are selfish. its almost like a double whammy. loving selfish people.

i gain nothing, but lose everything.

in the right mind, i should be saying "no, i shall not persist in my ways."

but being who i am, i go deeper and deeper, to a point of no return.

i want out.

revisited

well, it's been a few days now...and each time i get online (which is most of the time) i actually think of writing...but lethargy and a lack of mood always manage to stop me from logging on so that i can pen down my words of wisdom, or whatever anyone makes them out to be.

before this i actually kept a diary, in which i wrote pretty fervently due to my rather emotional nature then. but there was this point in time where i actually lost all taste for the writing. maybe its just because the things i wrote then, though close to heart, actually became pretty monotone. they revolved around the same thing - my emotional outbursts towards people. and it got so bad that i just lost the feel for it.

and that diary remains disused till today. and though i promised to make an effort to just pen in it, somehow it just does not happen.

but that does not mean that i appreciate the diary lesser than what it meant and for what it did for me. i still greatly respect the value and symbolism of the diary as a close companion to my younger days, and as a memory of my past, which nonetheless nonsensical, still shaped my being today.

as an afterthought, i just hope that i do not lose that sense of belonging or the passion for writing in here. i was very close to it...too close in fact. that was why i had to do a second take on my writing. i took inspiration from my other friends' blogs and well, here i am again.

tell me i need to get myself going again.

money

i am dead broke. and my financial accounting yesterday just proved that.
currently, i have a deficit of $125.

there.

i suck at money.

temper...temper

its a funny thing how the smallest of things can just diss me...especially coming from that someone...and its even funnier how after all that, i just want to make up. but pride and ego can make things even worse than they already are. and all that happens is that i get more dissed than i already am.

but they say, opposites attract.
what is it in that someone that i see, that keeps us together? i really cannot say.
and what is it that keeps that someone who composed and unreactive, that i have no other thing to do, but come closer and apologise, however subtle?

i dont know.

i once made that someone turn away from me because of my temper. i once turned myself away because of my temper. i hurt myself with temper. that someone hurts because of my temper.

temper causes a lot of things. retrospection for example. i think about my friends and what i have done, especially when it comes to that someone. and my love grows deeper, due to unexplainable causes. and for that effect, i am thankful.

but still, temper is temper. and i need to temper myself. for the greater good.