reminiscence

in a few days' time they are going to show the enchantingly beautiful Moulin Rouge on tv for valentine's day.
and i was too eager to watch it again, and could not wait. so i watched the one which i had on my computer. the show used to evoke a sense of longing in me. for a love that is pure and unadulterated, a love that will overcome all obstacles, a love that will bring two souls together in the most divine experience, that will leave both parties utterly breathless, a love that will never be able to bring forth words in description.

love.

but at the last viewing of it, somehow, i just did not feel that which i used to feel. the craving and yearning for that sense of emotion was not there. i used to cry watching it, because i could relate to it. or at least i thought i could. now, it all seems just too perfect and too impossible. i do not think that it is me that is jaded, but then again, i could be.

i used to be able to see all things in their beauty and appreciate fully the implications and value that they possess. but now, it is like i am blurred and clouded in my appreciation. i have been hardened by some things that have transpired in the past weeks, where my heart, slighted the number of times that it was, has grown rather cold. i tire of giving to others when others do not give back just as wholly. and i tire of that tired feeling. a problem persistent among many people is that they are selfish. but in their selfishness, they are protected from their emotions. but in my generosity of giving my heart to people, i expose myself, leaving me vulnerable to the words and actions of people. and my foolish ways lead me to people who are selfish. its almost like a double whammy. loving selfish people.

i gain nothing, but lose everything.

in the right mind, i should be saying "no, i shall not persist in my ways."

but being who i am, i go deeper and deeper, to a point of no return.

i want out.