of humility and sincerity

my grandfather is not well. he's been in the hospital for the past 2 weeks. and as is common with the elderly once they spend a longer time than is expected at the hospital, confusion and disorientation can set in. and the impact of such a state can be very painful to see, especially for family members.

it is humbling to see how when that privilege of cognizance is taken away, one is little more than a shadow of one's previous self. for my grandpa, it upset me tremendously to see him in that state. some of the things he said to me were enough to rend me apart, and i am still affected by it. while i understood that he was in a disabled state of mind, i still could not dissociate myself from feeling that when he said what he did, he meant it. his anger and frustration were more than evident.

and i glimpsed the pain that caregivers go through - my mother, aunties and uncles - and families of my patients, and can only begin to truly comprehend the sincerity that goes into caring for someone. "treat in fairness, but do not expect to be treated so" - how strongly these words rang in my head. as my grandfather railed at me for not letting him come off the bed, all i could do was to look at him, and say no. and despite the things that happened, i could not just go off and leave him to his affairs.

i remember the times past when my grandfather was better.
when he was the doting father figure for all his grandchildren who stayed with him.
i want my memory of him to remain as that.

i pray you recover soon, that we will be able to talk about your life as we did before.