gone too soon...ramadhan in retrospect

Like a comet, blazing 'cross the evening sky...gone too soon
Like a rainbow, fading in the twinkling of an eye...gone too soon

Shiny and sparkly and splendidly bright
Here one day, gone one night

Like the loss of sunlight on a cloudy afternoon...gone too soon

Like a castle built upon a sandy beach...gone too soon
Like a perfect flower that is just beyond your reach...gone too soon

Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight
Here one day, gone one night

Like a sunset dying with the rising of the moon...gone too soon

Gone Too Soon - Michael Jackson

indeed, ramadhan has come, and gone.
leaving us wondering if we will meet again.

at the friday sermon earlier, the khatib brought up the matter of evaluating our ramadhan. so here i am, on the last night, in muhasabah.

i remember at the advent of the holy month, many of my friends were very eager, and very spirited in facing the trials of fasting and abstinence. we made our determined avowals that ramadhan this year would be different, and a definite improvement from ramadhans in the past. we would endeavour towards ibadah, and towards unveiling ramadhan in a new light.

insya Allah, i pray that we have somewhat managed to achieve that, if not all that we had wished for, then at least in whatever miniscule amount that we could.

i cannot help but feel that there could have been something more done. that i could have been more determined. that i could have exercised more control in some of my actions. that i could have done things a different way.

that i could have been a better son, a better brother, a better friend, a better muslim - a better person.

despite all that i tried, i find myself faltering in my interactions with my family. my attitude towards my family still has a lot that needs working upon. my parents, my sister and my brothers could have gotten better from me. they should have gotten better from me. yet i find some things just really hard to control and change. and these things would someday define me as a person.

despite all that i tried, i find myself faltering in my interactions with my friends.
i lose myself in them, and yet it is among them that i should practice more restraint. i forget who i am, and what i am. and i will inadvertently hurt myself.

despite all that i tried, i find myself faltering in my submission to Him. what i know, i do not act upon. what i should act upon, i take lightly. and what i take lightly, does not prove the determination that i had so spiritedly spoke of in the beginning.

has this ramadhan changed me? or have i simply changed what ramadhan means to me?

every year, ramadhan is supposed to improve one's being, physically and spiritually. it is not about a mere abstinence from food or drinks to prove one's devotion or that one is a muslim. it is supposed to be appreciated on many different levels. the cleansing of the body, is to be accompanied with a cleansing of the mind, a cleansing of unacceptable character traits, a cleansing of the spirit. it readies one to face his Lord, for it is at this month, where mercies from Master to servant are boundless, that one can aspire to achieve makrifatullah with ease. it is why this month is the month of the ummah, for it is the time when the ummah is elevated beyond other times. it is why the fast is so special, because it can only be for God, and no one else. it is why at the peak of the month, the Night of Power, one can receive more blessings than one can ever achieve in a lifetime.

ramadhan, ramadhan.

i am unfortunate that i have perhaps left this month, with nothing more than a broken heart. knowing my flaws and yet not being able to change them in time. yet i am hopeful, that by His Grace, i will be able to change. insya Allah.

Lord, we are tested with many trials. these tribulations that You ordained upon us - our family, our friends, our roles and responsibilities, and our lives - we ask that You show mercy and kindness. You do not burden a soul with more than it can bear, but little do we perceive it. therefore, we ask of you, our Lord, to grant us the strength that we would need to face our obstacles, and avail us to a blissful end. by the glory of this holy month that You gift upon us, by the Mercy that You shower upon Your servants in the days and nights, by the passing of the holy month on this last night, we ask of you, oh Listener and Knower of All. bless us, and forgive us our transgressions, oh Forgiver and Most Merciful.

Amin.