through the looking glass

how many times does a person look inwards, and realises that he is not what he makes himself out to be?

and how many times can a person realise this, and still falter in his conduct?

i peeped through my eyes in a time past, and saw the true me.

dependant, ignoble, arrogant, self-justifying.
my values system was a complete farce.

and just when i thought i was already trying, and trying my darndest best.
just when it seemed like i had it under control.
everything just fell through my hands.
just like that.

i am still that idiot, that imbecile, that ignoble arrogant fool who has not moved a single bit.
not even a hair.

that is how freakingly stunted i am.

what have the past 2 years done to me...?
what have i not done for me...?

i am disgusted at myself.

and i dare mock others. when i am worse off.
and i dare impose myself on others, when i do not impose myself on me.

undeserving.
truly undeserving.