all falling through part 2

friendship and finances.

i thought that i had found the perfect group of people that i could share my secrets and concerns and worries and thoughts with. i thought that these people would actually be the one group among the many that i have, that would actually last me for the years that have been, the years that are, and the years that shall be. it all began so beautifully when we were all in secondary school. nine years it has been, and i had hoped that it would last for nine times that. when the first cracks appeared among other members in secondary school, i had thought that it was only temporary, and that all would be ok again in a few days. but that was not to be. those who sundered, remained so till today.

and in my fear and sorrow, i actually pledged to make myself the one constant force that would always withstand whatever changes that occur. i would be the one they could always turn to, to seek support, to seek counsel, to seek respite no matter what they did or how long they turn away from the circle. i would be that stone that keeps everything in place, and that stone everyone could lean on. and so that position i kept, and that attitude i stood by for the nine years that has passed.

but nine years is not a short time, and in nine years many things can change. i have come to accept that people change, either subtly or drastically, but that change does occur. this is nature. and my attitude in remaining the stubborn block that refuses to embrace change, will in due time, bite me when i least expect it. when i least want it to. and it has. and i feel the extreme pain of being hurt by myself, and those whom i strove to serve.

the love that i had dedicated, has finally worn itself out, a situation i never expected could happen. and i have lost faith in that kind of love. my dearest is lost to me, and my friends are no longer what they were before, both in their value to me, and to how they appear to me. the one closest to me, i shall not subject to my love because i do not wish for history to repeat itself. and the others, will never be able to appreciate me for who i truly can be, for i am shutting that part of me down, for the sake of myself and everyone around me.

all my plans, all falling through. all my friends aren't who they were, fool.

finances are killing me. killing me. killing me. money makes the world go round? money makes mine tumble upside down.