and yet sometimes they inflict the most pain.
i met up with the secondary school guys that day, as one of them wanted to go for supper.
so all was fine, until i met one of them whom i respected and used to show it. but that day, seeing the crowd, i did not do what i usually did. and to my surprise, he actually asked why i did not do it. and i got blardy turned off by that remark.
my response in my heart was:
i give of my own free will. don't demand it because you think you deserve it. and don't insult me like that because it just makes me not want to do it anymore.
and of course, he had no clue why i was unresponsive to him all that night.
and then when we were boarding the van, as i was preparing to enter the back compartment in which there were two of them inside, one of them said that i was being an extra coming into the back. i had enough of buggers not thinking before they let their filthy mouths loose. i should have just slammed the door shut and walked myself home. of course later he messaged to say he did not mean it, but the damage is done isn't it?
twice in a night. by two different people.
and another before that.
are we becoming a group that has no respect for another person's feelings?
but hell, i am not in any way exempt from this.
i apparently offended one of those i love like this.
i am sorry.
its only words... but these words can sting. and sometimes they cut real deep.
and while sometimes sorry is the only thing you can say, it just isn't enough is it?
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
an assignment to find out who i am
it sucks being year 3.
because you got this hellish assignment to do.
its a lot on self-discovery.
and sometimes you are forced to hear the things you don't want to hear.
but you have to anyways.
this post is by no means a complaint against those who have so been forced to think about my weaknesses for me. thank you for your honesty, and i am honoured to have you as people who would tell me the truth for my own sake.
so here goes.
weaknesses:
Low tolerance for things I do not like
Suka merajuk (fretty and likes to sulk)
Fat
Non-confrontational
Extrovert (too extroverted leading to the next)
Loud
Emo
Clingy/ Needy
Procrastinator
Demanding
haha, now that i have listed them, i want to faintz again.
haha.
aiyah, everything got a reason one.
but its ok, because that is how people see me.
and i accept.
because you got this hellish assignment to do.
its a lot on self-discovery.
and sometimes you are forced to hear the things you don't want to hear.
but you have to anyways.
this post is by no means a complaint against those who have so been forced to think about my weaknesses for me. thank you for your honesty, and i am honoured to have you as people who would tell me the truth for my own sake.
so here goes.
weaknesses:
Low tolerance for things I do not like
Suka merajuk (fretty and likes to sulk)
Fat
Non-confrontational
Extrovert (too extroverted leading to the next)
Loud
Emo
Clingy/ Needy
Procrastinator
Demanding
haha, now that i have listed them, i want to faintz again.
haha.
aiyah, everything got a reason one.
but its ok, because that is how people see me.
and i accept.
Monday, February 12, 2007
forgiveness
Forgive, forgive.
The greatest and most noble ability in this world is to be able to forgive.
Forgiveness sets aside the hate and malice and irrationality that poison the mind.
Forgiveness opens the door to peace and serenity which permeate and cleanse the soul.
Forgiveness raises one from the gallows of despair, and brings one to the sanctuary of true repose.
I should learn to forgive, and move on.
Even if I wish to be noticed and given due attention.
Even if I wish to be loved and given affection.
The greatest and most noble ability in this world is to be able to forgive.
Forgiveness sets aside the hate and malice and irrationality that poison the mind.
Forgiveness opens the door to peace and serenity which permeate and cleanse the soul.
Forgiveness raises one from the gallows of despair, and brings one to the sanctuary of true repose.
I should learn to forgive, and move on.
Even if I wish to be noticed and given due attention.
Even if I wish to be loved and given affection.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
subtitles
Such a perfect evening, blowing candles in the park,
A boy sits by unremembered rocks, beside a girl in red,
They watch the birds and dancing waters,
Silent romance ghosting the night,
Silent smiles under the faded light.
When their lips touch, they drift into a dream,
To Dali's world, of eleven hybrid roses and lilies,
Where the clouds float above the trees,
Where leaves dip in humility, and roads are curved in red,
And the rain - subtitles beyond what's said.
And time - the immemorial gift,
Plays on the grand piano,
Jazz and ballads serenades the air around the girl in red,
For poems are his subtitles to what's not said
Muslim
on friendship
i quote the following excerpt from the blog of a friend who has humbled me with the simplicity of his words, but the depth of his thoughts.
"Encountering a good friend can be quite difficult in the contemporary lives of us teenagers. We experience an immense amount of worries and problems throughout the day; that being a good friend is one of our last priorities.
I, myself, was once baffled by what the definition of a "good" friend was, until I discovered a single step that if taken would make you the greatest friend there is.
Willingness.
That is all it takes in order to be considered a good friend. If we lack will, there is a diminutive chance of us being able to be a good friend. Willingness must come from within.
Listening is the most essential part of a friendship, we must be willing to stay for long hours listening to what our friends have to say, even if it's not the most exciting thing in the world to hear. Listening to our friend makes them feel important, special, wanted. It also allows them to exhale their problems and worries, and not keep them all bottled up. Although listening makes up most of what a good friend is there are also other things that form a good friend.
The will to sacrifice for our friend will also take us a step closer to being a good friend.For instance, you planned your entire night, but as you're about to leave to enjoy your Saturday night with your boyfriend/girlfriend, your best friend calls you right when you're stepping out, hysterical because something bad had occurred in their life. You must be willing to sacrifice your Saturday night you had so carefully planned out and go to your friend's house and converse with them about the situation and try to console them in any way that you can. Doing this demonstrates that we are willing to be there for him/her in their time of need and sacrifice whatever we had planned. We must always be willing to give advice to our friend. For example say your friend is in a situation where they do not know what to do, and so they turn to you for help; you must be willing to think things through with them and try to give them the best advice.
I once experienced something similar to this; I had turned to a friend for advice because I had failed my end of year examination and did not know whether I should notify my parents or not. My "good" friend, instead of trying to help me out and console me, said, "Don't show it to your parents, that's just stupid."
After I took my friend's "great" advice I realized that his advice was the worst to take. My parents received a call from my teacher telling them about the grades I had got, they were extremely unhappy and said if I had told them they would have been a little more understandable. I became aware that the "advice" he had given me was not by a good friend. He was not willing to stay and try to help me out with my problem; he'd rather go out and not have to listen to what I had to say. This is when I discovered the one single step to be a good friend.
The willingness to care is also a big must in being a good friend. If we don't care for our friend then our friend won't care for us and the whole point of we trying to be a good friend will diminish. We must care about how our friend feels and what they are experiencing. Caring is one of the best things we can do, because when our friend is in they're time of need and the whole world seems to be turned against them, we must be the one to care and make them see that it's not over yet. Nobody ever said being a good friend was going to be easy, but if we want to be a good friend then we're willing to listen, sacrifice, give advice and care for our friend, these skills will come in real handy if we really want to be a good friend. In the long run this skills will not only help us to be a good friend but also to be good to ourselves and to others.
In the end practicing this skill will all pay off, and we'll be glad we were willing."
"Encountering a good friend can be quite difficult in the contemporary lives of us teenagers. We experience an immense amount of worries and problems throughout the day; that being a good friend is one of our last priorities.
I, myself, was once baffled by what the definition of a "good" friend was, until I discovered a single step that if taken would make you the greatest friend there is.
Willingness.
That is all it takes in order to be considered a good friend. If we lack will, there is a diminutive chance of us being able to be a good friend. Willingness must come from within.
Listening is the most essential part of a friendship, we must be willing to stay for long hours listening to what our friends have to say, even if it's not the most exciting thing in the world to hear. Listening to our friend makes them feel important, special, wanted. It also allows them to exhale their problems and worries, and not keep them all bottled up. Although listening makes up most of what a good friend is there are also other things that form a good friend.
The will to sacrifice for our friend will also take us a step closer to being a good friend.For instance, you planned your entire night, but as you're about to leave to enjoy your Saturday night with your boyfriend/girlfriend, your best friend calls you right when you're stepping out, hysterical because something bad had occurred in their life. You must be willing to sacrifice your Saturday night you had so carefully planned out and go to your friend's house and converse with them about the situation and try to console them in any way that you can. Doing this demonstrates that we are willing to be there for him/her in their time of need and sacrifice whatever we had planned. We must always be willing to give advice to our friend. For example say your friend is in a situation where they do not know what to do, and so they turn to you for help; you must be willing to think things through with them and try to give them the best advice.
I once experienced something similar to this; I had turned to a friend for advice because I had failed my end of year examination and did not know whether I should notify my parents or not. My "good" friend, instead of trying to help me out and console me, said, "Don't show it to your parents, that's just stupid."
After I took my friend's "great" advice I realized that his advice was the worst to take. My parents received a call from my teacher telling them about the grades I had got, they were extremely unhappy and said if I had told them they would have been a little more understandable. I became aware that the "advice" he had given me was not by a good friend. He was not willing to stay and try to help me out with my problem; he'd rather go out and not have to listen to what I had to say. This is when I discovered the one single step to be a good friend.
The willingness to care is also a big must in being a good friend. If we don't care for our friend then our friend won't care for us and the whole point of we trying to be a good friend will diminish. We must care about how our friend feels and what they are experiencing. Caring is one of the best things we can do, because when our friend is in they're time of need and the whole world seems to be turned against them, we must be the one to care and make them see that it's not over yet. Nobody ever said being a good friend was going to be easy, but if we want to be a good friend then we're willing to listen, sacrifice, give advice and care for our friend, these skills will come in real handy if we really want to be a good friend. In the long run this skills will not only help us to be a good friend but also to be good to ourselves and to others.
In the end practicing this skill will all pay off, and we'll be glad we were willing."
z3oNx, 2007
karya
Bagaimana harusku mulakan rintihan batinku ini
Yang kian lama kupendam dilubuk hati
Yang demi masa tidak berubah isi
Yang akan hanya merobek naluri
Bagaimana...
Kepada siapa dapat ku curahkan isi hati
Yang hanya membuak, melonjak tanpa henti
Yang bergerak, caranya tidak ku erti
Yang bersorak, kemudian diam menyepi
Kepada siapa...
Untuk apa ku berdiri di sini
Yang ku nanti, telah pun kembali dan pergi
Yang ku kenangi, tidak lagi mengingati
Yang ku sayangi, telah hilang rindunya bagaikan mimpi
Untuk apa...
Aku bak awan
Yang hanya mampu mengikut tiupan sang udara
Yang hilang tanpa sesiapa sedar
Yang tangisan gerimis petang hanya seketika
Aku insan kerdil tak bermakna, tiada erti pada sesiapa...
Yang kian lama kupendam dilubuk hati
Yang demi masa tidak berubah isi
Yang akan hanya merobek naluri
Bagaimana...
Kepada siapa dapat ku curahkan isi hati
Yang hanya membuak, melonjak tanpa henti
Yang bergerak, caranya tidak ku erti
Yang bersorak, kemudian diam menyepi
Kepada siapa...
Untuk apa ku berdiri di sini
Yang ku nanti, telah pun kembali dan pergi
Yang ku kenangi, tidak lagi mengingati
Yang ku sayangi, telah hilang rindunya bagaikan mimpi
Untuk apa...
Aku bak awan
Yang hanya mampu mengikut tiupan sang udara
Yang hilang tanpa sesiapa sedar
Yang tangisan gerimis petang hanya seketika
Aku insan kerdil tak bermakna, tiada erti pada sesiapa...
Saturday, February 03, 2007
tuesdays with morrie
this was a movie i saw in school as part of a self-discovery lesson.
the movie depicted 2 men, Morrie the teacher and Mitch the ex-student, who reunited after twenty years of separation, under very strange circumstances. Morrie was already in his 70s, and he was suffering from a disease called amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, which left him on a straight and sure path to death. Morrie, as a prolific sociology lecturer, was interviewed on tv, and that was when Mitch remembered an old promise to stay in touch. Hence in fulfilment of that promise, Mitch made his way down to see Morrie. That was the start of the reunion that was to change the way Mitch viewed his own life. Morrie challenged Mitch's take on many things, and together with Mitch, Morrie proceeded to write their last thesis on life together, documenting his final days and his thoughts on them.
What struck me in this movie was the philosophy that Morrie had, which strangely resonated with my own. He was not afraid to cry, because tears are only natural and they show that you feel. He was not afraid to express his emotions because he knew that there would be times when you will not be able to say what you feel anymore. He was not afraid to hold and embrace those he loved, for that was how he wanted to say goodbye all the time, wanting to be able to have contact one last time. He made every moment count, just in case.
i cried at this show many many times. Not just because it was sad to see him go. But rather, somewhere somehow i hoped that people would be able to understand me from that perspective too. Because no one does now.
Some quotes from the show before i end off.
the movie depicted 2 men, Morrie the teacher and Mitch the ex-student, who reunited after twenty years of separation, under very strange circumstances. Morrie was already in his 70s, and he was suffering from a disease called amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, which left him on a straight and sure path to death. Morrie, as a prolific sociology lecturer, was interviewed on tv, and that was when Mitch remembered an old promise to stay in touch. Hence in fulfilment of that promise, Mitch made his way down to see Morrie. That was the start of the reunion that was to change the way Mitch viewed his own life. Morrie challenged Mitch's take on many things, and together with Mitch, Morrie proceeded to write their last thesis on life together, documenting his final days and his thoughts on them.
What struck me in this movie was the philosophy that Morrie had, which strangely resonated with my own. He was not afraid to cry, because tears are only natural and they show that you feel. He was not afraid to express his emotions because he knew that there would be times when you will not be able to say what you feel anymore. He was not afraid to hold and embrace those he loved, for that was how he wanted to say goodbye all the time, wanting to be able to have contact one last time. He made every moment count, just in case.
i cried at this show many many times. Not just because it was sad to see him go. But rather, somewhere somehow i hoped that people would be able to understand me from that perspective too. Because no one does now.
Some quotes from the show before i end off.
"We must love one another or die."
"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in."
"When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."
"Death ends a life, not a relationship."
"Without love, we are birds with broken wings."
"Love wins. Love always wins."
"Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone."
feeling unloved, and unappreciated
you(1) said lets not be awkward, and lets remain friends. but despite what you yourself said, you have elected for the easy way out, and blocked me. that's a very nice gesture, if i may say. i am ok with remaining as friends, but your very act has offended me very deeply. is it that scary to talk to me? is it that bad? i don't know. after all, it was not me that blocked you. unfortunately for us, i had to find out.
you(2) were supposed to have matured since the last time. you have gotten yourself a companion. for that i was very happy. after all, you were happy. but that day when you spoke those words, as if i was unworthy, as if i should not meet your companion, as if i would only be a bother and an extra burden, as if your relationship with your companion would be at risk somehow if i sat in the same vehicle with the two of you. you threw away 11 years of friendship and you threw away my heart. unfortunately for us, i became angry.
you(3) were the one i have dedicated so much of myself to. i thought you could understand my needs and my feelings. for i treated you with so much love and respect. but that night when you demeaned a practice which i reserved for those i truly cared for, i felt cheated. it was like you had never really wanted what i gave. and that it did not mean anything much to you, if anything at all.
you (1), (2) and (3) have somewhat discarded me.
its painful.
but i shall learn to live with it.
because i don't want to continue lying to myself.
you(2) were supposed to have matured since the last time. you have gotten yourself a companion. for that i was very happy. after all, you were happy. but that day when you spoke those words, as if i was unworthy, as if i should not meet your companion, as if i would only be a bother and an extra burden, as if your relationship with your companion would be at risk somehow if i sat in the same vehicle with the two of you. you threw away 11 years of friendship and you threw away my heart. unfortunately for us, i became angry.
you(3) were the one i have dedicated so much of myself to. i thought you could understand my needs and my feelings. for i treated you with so much love and respect. but that night when you demeaned a practice which i reserved for those i truly cared for, i felt cheated. it was like you had never really wanted what i gave. and that it did not mean anything much to you, if anything at all.
you (1), (2) and (3) have somewhat discarded me.
its painful.
but i shall learn to live with it.
because i don't want to continue lying to myself.
Australia
my trip to aussieland should be confirmed.
i have a million and one things to do before i can go.
visa, insurance, accomodations, readings, air tickets, financial assistance...
its a hell.
but i gotta persevere. i asked for it anyways.
the price of wanting to be excellent.
shucks. schmucks.
i have a million and one things to do before i can go.
visa, insurance, accomodations, readings, air tickets, financial assistance...
its a hell.
but i gotta persevere. i asked for it anyways.
the price of wanting to be excellent.
shucks. schmucks.
my class
in all my posts i havent shown a picture of my class yet... here are some recent peektures of them in various things that we have had to get ourselves into this year.
the ribena girls 
wait until sleep liao.
bizlink visit.
hua beng's model class.
reduced energy class.
fyp progress
erm, this is not as much an update on fyp progress, than it is a photo montage of what we have taken so far... haha.. enjoy!
suet: i want to kill myself! jess: go ahead, see if i care. peixin: stay cool like me. suet: ok lor.
Hua Beng in a discussion with us... and doing some work for us. lucky us.
wanrudoesnotlikesuetmingbutloveshuabengjustkidding.
Hua Beng feeds us, the wonderful man. and each time, there is just enough for us.
but we do work hard...
...and play hard as well (when we think people not looking)!
nura's concert
she had a concert at the esplanade. ok la not a concert but more of like a showcase kinda thing.
the place was sweet, the people were sweet, the music was sweet. what else can i ask for?
pics speak louder than words.
the set-up. simple and clean.
swayed by the music.
les musiciens: nura on vocals, jonathan on keyboard, isa on guitar
the sweet people who came: nura's colleagues, azmi and yanni, ratna and iman, tau, mel, ilham
a's birthday
dalam kegilaan nak menyambut hari lahir seseorang insan yang disayangi...
sanggup si tiga meronda dari hulu ke hilir singapura bila dah nak dekat pagi...
ada gambar gambar tak leh di letak... sebab takut menyinggung yang disambuti...
kerana yang tidak disangka menjadi...
haha...
alhamdulillah, sahabat sejati ditemui...
bahagia tak terperi.
happy happy.
betapa aku ingini pertemuan tiada henti.
bawah ni... gambar yang diizini... hehe...
sanggup si tiga meronda dari hulu ke hilir singapura bila dah nak dekat pagi...
ada gambar gambar tak leh di letak... sebab takut menyinggung yang disambuti...
kerana yang tidak disangka menjadi...
haha...
alhamdulillah, sahabat sejati ditemui...
bahagia tak terperi.
happy happy.
betapa aku ingini pertemuan tiada henti.
bawah ni... gambar yang diizini... hehe...
nak hujan, angin tiup kuat, nanti candle tak leh nyala, nak buat lawak. abu... always something up his sleeve.
kek coklat.
cina and thai gathering... nasib takda police. illegal gathering sey.
yang disambut. haha.
OT Day Dinner
went for this dinner on Friday 19th Jan so that the students could be well represented. chunyi drove the lot of us there...
haha... and quite well-represented we were, given that we took 2 whole tables, out of a possible 12 (i am guessing this number) but hell, we were quite the crowd there.
i take the dinner as quite an important net-working event for us occupational therapists. given that we are a young profession, it is always good to keep our links with each other and to seek support from the group. for me, it is more of a reassurance and confidence-building thing, and to motivate me to achieve as how those who have made it have managed to. whatever "it" may be. haha.
the GOH was the first local male OT in singapore, mr ho meng jang, and at the dinner, we also commemorated the first local publication on OT. and while the food for me was not fabulous (they served different dishes for the halal peeps, and in significantly diminished proportions), at least i managed to get a free book! haha. worth my $15 la.
mr ho meng jang cutting the commemorative cake, with the cover of the book as a design.
group photo with prominent OTs: mrs siva, mr ho, mrs rosalind tan.
group photo with lecturers: hua beng, hwei lan, cheng mun return to debates
although i did say that i would like to step down from debates after the tournament was over to concentrate on the final leg of my studies, by some emotional bond, i may be debating in another tournament before i end... and this i do for those who have made it worth my while. although it will be tough trying to juggle fyp and school projects and debates (my meetings are almost daily, lasting up to the wee hours of 9pm onwards), i promise to try my bestest best to attend when i can.
its funny how things end up, i say.
on another note, joey was so sweet to give each of us a postcard from vancouver, recounting his days there... our postcards run in a sequence, and each one of us got a day's worth of memories. talk about a coach that cares deeply.
sigh.
its funny how things end up, i say.
on another note, joey was so sweet to give each of us a postcard from vancouver, recounting his days there... our postcards run in a sequence, and each one of us got a day's worth of memories. talk about a coach that cares deeply.
sigh.
update update!
ho ho... long overdue posts... coming one by one
1) return to debates
2) OT Day dinner
3) a's birthday
4) nura's concert
5) FYP progress
6) Australia
7) feeling unloved, and unappreciated
here goes.
1) return to debates
2) OT Day dinner
3) a's birthday
4) nura's concert
5) FYP progress
6) Australia
7) feeling unloved, and unappreciated
here goes.
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