closure for the loser

since i most probably will never say this in your face, 'cos i dun intend to speak to you anymore anyways, let my just post it up for all to read.

firstly, i really dunno what happened. and i did try to salvage what i can. but unsurprisingly, lo and lo, there was no response from your side. and three times i tried, but still, zilch. so the ball has effectively gone into your court to play, but you choose to not play. so by rights, i am relieved of responsibility.

if we go back to the time it began, surely there would have been a moment where i got dissed by your actions and apathy. when previously i took heart, you would try to know where things went wrong, this time round you chose to ignore it. and i took heart as usual. but rather than sound it out to you, i was tired as well, and just could not be bothered then to do so. to you that was a tantrum. and you had the cheek to tell others that i was pissed off at you. fine.

then came the meetings, where i am sure you felt my hostility. and please dun even think that i will ever be warming up to you again. if that is what is keeping you from reconciliating with me, then let me just put it plainly across, it is your fault. no matter what the meeting is, where, with whom, i will still be just as cold. and if you feel it, too bad.

i can so easily take all the blame, and being that kind of person, i will take the blame. i do not regret what i have done though, please do not be mistaken. i just blame myself for thinking that in some way, subtle or otherwise, i could change you. but that was where the mistake lay. i should have never thought that i could change people, i should have never thought that my love could make you a better person. i should have never seen that glimmer which gave me hope that our friendship could last. in all ways, i should not have cared to try, cared to care.

because i am still feeling the pain of it, no matter how i act, no matter what i say.
because i am still feeling the lost of it, no matter who i am with.

and my only respite, is that you are still nothing, that you are still as screwed up as you were. and i feel no remorse for your disability.

who you were, who you are, who you will be - essentially a loser with nothing.

and that is my closure for you.