overwhelmed

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Try, Folklore - Nelly Furtado

today was not a very good day for me. not good in a sense that i really do not what to make of it. while i was trying to cram my shit stuff into my brains for the exams, my mom had to make me reprimand my kid brother who is just in p6 for something that he did. i do not appreciate the times when i have to do such things, for they only serve to make me seem the bad guy. though i know that that is not the intention, i cannot help but feel so. as a brother, there are some things which i have to do, and as a son, those are the things that i have to take over from my parents at times. that i accept.

but sometimes, in the heat of the moment, you do things that you wish you hadn't. and you can't take them back no matter what you do. and that was exactly what happened. i treated my kid bro like an adult, and gave him things to feel really guilty about, responsibilities which shouldn't have been heaped upon him at this present moment. i totally forgot who i was talking to, and treated the whole affair as one of my counsel sessions. and it was not fair. not fair to my kid bro at all.

and i feel real bad for having stolen his childhood in that one instant.

and i do not know how to give that back to him.

i yearn for the innocence of a child, and the carefree-ness of such a life. and yet i took it away from someone i love, because i was not thinking.

i am overwhelmed by my regret for my deeds. i am overwhelmed by my depressed emotions. i am overwhelmed by the expectations that you have of me and the contradicting desires that push me. i am overwhelmed by the shoulds and the wants and the needs.

and i need to run away, or risk drowning in myself.