debates second day

hehe.

erm, went to sleep and woke up from the previous 70-year old to a slightly more mature 26-year old man. and it showed in the debates today. the fourth round was held, and it was on some obscure topic like micro credit financing, which we really have no ideas what the world it was all about. but despite our unpreparedness, we actually managed to beat an NUS, NTU and SMU team (british parliamentary style debates, so there were 3 other teams in the whole debates session). and i really felt that my style and analysis has taken a positive step forward in this competition. and it felt good.

ya.

i am not acutely worried about the inter-polys coming up. cos somehow it seems that we wont really have much of a challenge, aside from the TP teams, which we feel, only needs us to be more informed and to brush up on manner. looking forward to that set too, but it will only happen in the end of the year... so no rush.

on that note, monday blues have already set in. so i would like to sign out.
must i go to work??

i cannot

what is so special about you that i need to maintain my relationship with you?
and how come i cannot stay angry at you... even if you are clearly in the wrong?
and why can you just be oblivious and careless and reckless and not feel what i feel?

why am i so weak, even against myself?

first official debates competition

just came back from my first true official inter-varsity-polytechnic debates competition.
i went there with a mind of a 24-year old, and have returned with the mind of a 70-year old demented. if you want to talk about exposing a debate noob to the actual world of debating, this would have been a seriously good time and place.

each debate i participated in shed so much more light on debating styles, and technique than my time in school. and i was flabbergasted at the sheer disparity between the polytechnic teams and the varsity teams. it is truly a different league, they and us.

but i am glad that i was forced to take part in this. it showed me my own weaknesses, and my strengths, and let me work on the areas which i am lacking in. that's really what the whole debates was for... to make me rise up to the mark that i have shown potential to reach.

haha. but fried brains are not really good for you, you know?

it's friday!

yeaps and week 1 of attachments is over.
7 more weeks to go.

you know, as i was taking the bus home this evening, i suddenly realised how therapeutic the ride home from one end to the next is. i realise that it was the one thing that i look forward to everytime i go home. i don't know if its just the lazy journey back after a long day at work, or is it something psychological - like i am moving away from a place i may not feel so secure at to a place i am most at home with, HOME.

i think its more the second reason. i love going home.

but that is of course not to say that my attachment has been hellish.
yes, my supervisor is beginning to pile on the work and expectations.
but at the same time, i find myself coping better than i had initially hoped.
i really think that it will be a truly challenging placement, but it will test my abilities in all aspects of OT quite well. i think my supervisor will make sure of that. and i need to fulfill my own aspirations too.

first week and i already have 5 children under my care. need to assess, plan and implement treatment sessions, and need to read up for information so that i can answer my supervisor's clinical reasoning questions. then need to ensure that everything i do is documented. really not gonna be easy... but i must do it. next week will be another week with more clients. haha...

kids are not easy to play with you know...

experience

of course i need to update on my attachments.
third day ended today. i think i am coping quite well.
been taking on more tasks already, and able to write into casenotes on the day itself, which is quite a feat, considering where i am.

of course, expectations from my sup are high, knowing her background, and knowing what she expects from a year 3 student. the first day with her was daunting enough. she wanted us to administer assessments which we were not even in the know of. stunned we were. haha. but then she was accepting when we explained that the syllabi of the year 2 and year 3 students were slightly different, and that our assessment module was not truly sufficient for us to be able to administer them. so she kindly showed us the assessments and re-took over the cases she had initially wanted to assign to us.

but it is really amazing to see her do her stuff.
you are just... wow. can i do that ever?

haha. and i say to myself, of course. give yourself 5 years. and you'll get there.
the eyes and hands of experience are for those who persevere.
and persevere i will.

steep learning curve ahead!

dualism of man

apparently we consist of a dual nature, the id-ego, and the superego.
and i am in constant conflict with these internal natures.
which is why i am constantly in upheaval.
and which is why my moods swings are legendary.

but on the last entry, my superego just decided to say that people are not all bad.
and that i should not be fatalistic.
but my id-ego says, go and do whatever you want.

so i gave in to it.
and the entry was it.

and this is my balancing with the superego.

yah. may not make sense to you. but who cares.

call

i dunno why i attach so much meaning to it.
cos i know partly its me thats hoping and expecting.
and you just dun see me that way.

you give a call, and you just simply use me.
and that's it.
blardy insulting la.
not to mention just rude.

and i don't know why i even bother taking it all in.
i don't need this.

of all people i had hoped that you would be more sensitive.
but i guessed wrong. you are you.

malas ah. kasih tak dihargai.

first day at clinics

no supervisors.
no nothing.

just pure me and tricia and the place.
haha.

not good for us, but we made good the time there. as best as we could.
hope tomorrow is a better day for us, once our supervisor comes in and shows us the clients.

iftar

so went to breeks today with taufiq.
then met hanna and adib... two long lost and dearly beloved people.
and caught with the gossip. so mintak maaf sesiapa yang digossipkan. i call it asking after you with concern.

and by His Blessings, the breeks iftar was only $2.63 when the original bill was $42.
alhamdulillah.

then went to al-falah for maghrib. i told taufiq beforehand that i hoped that we will see ahmad.
(ahmad by the way is the brother of taufiq's saudi acquaintance whom he met at a medical conference. but ahmad is the epitome of goodness and purity, and you just cannot help but respect his sincerity and simplicity. and he grew on me from the first meeting.) then taufiq said if i really wanted to meet him, i should just call him. then i told taufiq that i believed that if we were meant to meet, He would arrange for it. i strongly believed in the concept of Him gifting me with my friends, and all the people i meet.

and lo and behold, right before isya', ahmad appeared. and my heart melted. alhamdulillah, He decided to gift me tonight with the sight of a beloved. and i was thankful for that simple yet utterly meaningful hadiah.

so today was not a wasted day at all.

i am happy.

fin... NOT

its over... hell week is over!
wee!!

erm. actually now that its over, hell week seems not so hellish after all.
the papers were manageable, now that i am standing after them...

and i just got one of the results... the practical exam on the sensory dysfunction... if you remember me whining about it... well, i got an A for it. haha.

now that exams are over, what seems more daunting is the next set of obstacles: 8 weeks of clinical attachments + fyp data collection.

now this will be something to juggle. not to mention that i will have my stupid debates to manage on top of it all. why did i ever say i wanted to help out? prominence breeds personal grievances. kalau tak bagus, salah. bagus pun salah. macam mana nak hidup?

not the end yet... won't be the end yet... will never be the end... till the end.
then we reach a new beginning.

second to the last

play and school is finally over.
let me just give you an example of the madness.

question one was almost worth 5o marks.

madness.

i was again rushing against time.

but managed to make it just in time.

did i tell you i broke down while revising for this? i did.

that bad huh? yups.

onto final jump now. then clinicals. i want my break. i will fall sick else. sigh.

one song that nura sang

the harmony done by nura and jonathan were just heavenly.

I'll sing it one last time for you

Then we really have to go

You've been the only thing that's right

In all I've done

And I can barely look at you

But every single time I do

I know we'll make it anywhere

Away from here

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes

Makes it so hard not to cry

And as we say our long goodbye

I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower

We don't have time for that

All I want is to find an easier way

To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear

We're bound to be afraid

Even if it's just for a few days

Making up for all this mess

run - snow patrol

muse

went over to the esplanade library cafe to see nura perform today.
it was a small crowd... intimate and cosy...

and nura was brilliant.
people commented that they could not attach the voice to the face, which to me is the ultimate compliment. they said she was unassuming, true and just pure... voice.

can you imagine?

sigh.

makes me want to try to sing in front of people too.
but maybe not quite up to it yet.
my vocal control is not that good...
but i definitely think i can sing better than some of the mats who were there... haha.

back to revision.

sociology of work and organisations and... NAMES?

the paper this morning was not too hard. could manage the questions that were set.
except of course, the insane need to remember who came up with what theories. haha. some of the names were not even in the manual. unfair testing again. but despite the written diarrhoea and risking cramps in the hand, i actually ended 20 minutes before time, and could laugh at myself. i think i am weird when in the exam hall.

the next paper will be the killer.
play and school. now this lecturer knows what she is doing, but when she teaches, she does it uni style. self-study and research. so who knows what questions she will set for the paper tomorrow. only thing to do is mug like mad, then see how things turn out. i just hope i can do her theory questions... cos i am never too good with all these theory-memory work. dun wanna go blank during the paper... haha.

sheesh.

mom is going for MRI tomorrow to check the headaches. hope its nothing. then i will do tension headache management for her.

pray for my mom's well-being k?

lesson of the second paper

lecturers are evil creatures.

they have one main purpose: to make you academic life miserable.

and they will go through all means and manners to ensure that they achieve their aims.

second paper was psychosocial dysfunction. as how i mentioned before, this paper is a weird one. because we don't know what to expect. and the lecturer also does not know what to test us on.
so what did she do? she tested us on every single thing. the main question may appear to be just asking about a specific condition, but the consequent questions, she asked on every other diagnosis that could possibly, even remotely, be related.

so it was only 4 questions, testing on 20 conditions, within one hour. ONLY.
schizophrenia leading to epilepsy leading to intellectual disability leading to depression leading to dementia leading to whatever else she could think of. and she tested on case studies which we covered in school, which i must say, was another prong of her evil trident.

i actually cramped while struggling to write within the time. for the first time ever.

and guess what? i want to be a lecturer too, so i can inflict such pleasureful pain on MY students. haha.

on other news: for attachments, going to tan tock seng neuro.

looking forward to that.

next paper: sociology of work and organisations.

maybe this is how i am feeling deep inside

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were, but I walked away

If only I knew what I know today

Ooh, oohI would hold you in my arms

I would take the pain away

Thank you for all you've done

Forgive all your mistakes

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To hear your voice again

Sometimes I wanna call you

But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit

Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss

And it's so hard to say goodbye

When it comes to this, oooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?

Would you help me understand?

Are you looking down upon me?

Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To have just one more chance

To look into your eyes

And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day

I would tell you how much that I've missed you

Since you've been away

Ooh, it's dangerous

It's so out of line

To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Hurt - Christina Aguilera

biomech payback

as i said... here is my mid day report on the first paper of the week.

format of paper:
30 MCQ (30 marks)
3 Short Answer Questions (90 marks)

of the 30 MCQ, i could only answer 16 of them confidently.
that leaves about half unanswered.

the 3 SAQs, one was on practical lab sessions, which we never in our lives thought were THAT important. 30 marks gone. the other two were so-so.

ya. i said i hated biomech. now biomech is gonna make me pay for that.

BUT... its a done paper.
next up: psychosocial dysfunction. the paper where you dunno what to expect, and the lecturer that set the paper is just as enigmatic - ancient-spiderwebs in the head for brains- kind of enigmatic.

URGH.

off to maple.

nausea

that sick feeling you get right in your gut, when you feel like emptying your insides until there is no more to retch out.

urgh.

that is what i am feeling right now. super nervous for my biomech paper. the past year paper that i have now is not really helping very much in terms of soothing my nerves. it is just pointing the way to the many things that i have yet to digest. but whats the point of digesting if all i am gonna do is retch it all out.

razak in his perverse logic said to me that nausea is good. it means that knowledge is seeping into the brain and pushing all the vomitus out. erm, i really do hope that my brain is not made of vomitus, abang. but the way it is now, having vomitus may be better than having nothing at all.

urgh... feel the bile.

wait for my mid-day report on how the paper went.

outs.

first jump

last friday was the first official paper of my exams.

glad to inform that it went pretty well... the case that we got was infiltrating ductal carcinoma, with radical right mastectomy, and development of lymphedema of the upper right extremity.
for the lay people - breast cancer, with removal of the right breast, and consequently, swelling of the right hand. quite a straightforward case, and even after the research, found that most of my interventions were quite spot on. so hurray for me.

tomorrow is the beginning of hell week. 5 straight days of papers, with no breaks in between.
and the opening paper is biomechanics, which unfortunately i am not too good in. but work we must. survive this week, then go straight into clinicals and data collection for FYP, which all in all, will just tear me apart like lions to the kill.

that is why i am hoping for some form of respite. but haven't heard any news yet. and fortunately or otherwise, i don't intend to make anything happen.

hmm.

this year's fast will be something new for everyone i think.
and of things to come, i shall not say.

"the night is my companion, and solitude my guide...
Would i spend forever here, and not be satisfied?"
- Possession, Sarah McLachlan

exams begin tomorrow

and tomorrow is no more than 5 minutes away.
i am a real doofus.
did not even pick up a book to study.
and this was supposed to be study week.
hahaha.

oh God.

i just hope i get through.

to move on when its time to

i had my sensory dysfunction practical exam just now. the lecturer had already warned us before hand, that many of the the failures of the past, used to have problems with this module specifically. so i was worried. and duly so, because i had missed one lesson of this module, and i never really caught up with the skill that i had missed in that one class.

i was quite the jitterbug as the time came for me to take the practical. you were alone, in that room. and two lecturers were there. one to observe, the other to behave as how the patient would. both would give their remarks to score the assessment after i was done. it began quite well, and i was not as nervous. but once it came to handling the lecturer, i began to fluster. i forgot to give cues when it was necessary, and i forgot to facilitate when it was necessary. i forgot all that i had learnt and attempted to internalise the past couple of weeks of intensive practice. i left that room today feeling most disturbed and disappointed.

and unfortunately, i blamed myself for not being able to do what i needed to do. and for somewhat fulfilling the trend.

and images of what i should have done, and what i could have done, keeps appearing in my head. and it is really not a good feeling to have.

but no point crying over spilt milk, as they would say. its over and done with. nothing i do will change anything. and somehow that just makes me more incensed.

but yah. move on when its time to. cos no point harping over something like this. all i can hope for is that the lecturer did see what i was trying to do, and that i was trying my best. i still have a whole week of exams to take. and i cannot afford to become consumed by my own engineering. so i must let go.

let go.

gain some, lose some

grey's gave a very typical but most moving depiction of the above adage.


this week's episode showed how everything moves in its own cycle, but the harmony is somehow maintained between all parties. meredith finally really broke off with derek, but in exchange, gained back george and got a hottie vet boyfriend. izzie gave up trying to cheer her patient, but in return got her man back. alex gave up waiting for other people, and saved a life in return. john cho gave an apology and expected to get beaten up, but he received forgiveness instead. the mother died, but the father received a child.


just makes you wonder and rethink your life again. how many times have we simply chosen to not look at what we have gained in return, and focus on all the losses in life? i think as humans, we are simply that. self-centred, and motivated primarily by self gain. and that is why, when things do not go our way, we go all out to show the supposed injustices that have happened to us, and we whine and wail about all that we do not agree with, or does not conform to our perception of having a good life. we simply disregard the many times that good things have happened to us, that we have been blessed with, just cos this one moment of displeasure or discomfort afflicts us.


i am not exempt. i think i am especially like this when it comes to relationships. i fatalise and catastrophise every single event that does not happen the way i want it to happen. every argument that takes place, is unfortunately, another statement of the end. and that is why i never seem to be really happy. and then what is worse, is that i top everything off with an "i am ok, i will get through this, i don't need you" comment... which works for the immediate duration after, but really kills me after i am through with my own invincibility fable.


point is, i need to be more happy about the things that i have going my way, rather than look at the dark side of life whenever i get down. and maybe then i will be able to find strength, true strength, from myself. and maybe then i will be able to define myself for who i really am. and then i would have gained more than i lost.

living someone else's dream

i am tired of people telling me that i should do this, and not do that.
join this, and join that.


is my life mine to lead, or yours to direct?


it is just absolutely irritating when people make decisions for you, and think that just because you are younger than them, you will not object to these decisions. for crying out loud, we are living in the 21st century, get a life! how you lived your life in your past is seriously, SERIOUSLY not the same as how we are living ours now. i have my own set of commitments, which leave me with little time for myself. and yet there you are trying to stuff down my throat what you think i should be doing with my time, with little regard to what i feel or whether i have any interests at all in whatever you are thinking of spoonfeeding me.


and just because you are an elder, you think that by all accounts your way is right.


fortunately for me, i am more discerning and assertive than you thought i would be. you think that i would take that path that you wished you had taken yourself. you wished that i would be a pawn in your life, something that you can say, hey i helped put him there. you wish for others to be so much more like you, cos you think you are the most righteous man alive just because you serve in the mosque.


puh-lease.


don't play the i-am-holier-than-thou card with me. it just doesn't work, especially when it comes from someone like you. don't try your sales pitch with me, because i really don't agree with your methodologies. and don't try to make me turn into you, because frankly, i don't think you are anything much to emulate.


live YOUR life the way you think it should be lived.


let me live MINE the way i want to live it. i have long given up the dreams of others to live my own. learn to respect that, and maybe there is still some saving grace for you.

ramadhan night two

its past midnight now. and i cannot sleep. haha. although there are many things that i can do to better use up the time, especially in this month, let me just pen some things that randomly cross my mind.


first of all, i love this new skin. gothic, mysterious, simple, and yet i can play with so many things for the html. haha. thats why i left the credit to the person who created this skin, cos really, he deserves it.


second thing that crossed my mind was about friends. was just watching this show "miami ink". showed five guys who were bestest of friends and who came together for the love of their trade: tattooing. and i think it was a repeat telecast... cos it was the episode when they all came together to open the shop, and all the teething problems came up. anyways, watching that show left me wondering if i did make any plans with anyones to have anything like that, anytime in the future. and whether that future that we had planned, in the eventuality, would turn out, or merely become a figment of the past. i think my perception of friends is skewed, in my own ways. i guess when it comes to companionship, i am a romantic. and i have to say that i think my perceptions of what friends should be like is really very influenced by "Friends", which coincidentally showed immediately after miami ink.


anyways, unfortunately for me, friends change. things change. everything changes. and my ring represents this. i know i am not very good with change. and i bought that ring to remind me of that. and that when at all everything moves along, i must learn to seek some respite in myself. and maybe sometimes, i am all i have. this is not to say that i am swearing off friends, of course i will never do that. but we all have our alone time. and we all need our alone time. and in some instances, we are truly alone. at least that is how i feel. no no i am not getting into another one of my depressive periods. introspection is not equal to depression, although it may lead to it. haha. but again, no, i am not depressed.


its really funny how i am coping at this instant, with all the changes and lack of contact that i have been experiencing. i have always hoped for the moment i can truly be detached from myself and all whom i have tied myself to, without feeling guilty that i am throwing away bonds which i have so painstakingly built. maybe i am moving on without me noticing. maybe i am just too distracted. maybe i choose to not care. maybe this. maybe that. ahaha. i am fast becoming incoherent.


i think everyone is moving away. so move as you must move. maybe you will find me here when you return, maybe you wont. let us leave all things now up to chance shall we? if fate decrees so, who are we to then say no?

on the first day of ramadhan

sometimes things just creep up on you and give you a surprise...
it was like that for me, let me tell you, for this ramadhan.


i was of the perception that ramadhan was going to begin on sunday night instead of saturday night... and i was rather unprepared to welcome it. that was why i questioned juni when her nick appeared to be miscalculating the number of days to ramadhan, and when my auntie asked if i was going for tarawih, i told her that it begins the day after...


then i read the papers, and it said, "fasting begins tomorrow"... then i visited MUIS' website... and the date read 1st ramadhan... and i was like...o'oh... was i so badly caught up in work that i could have absolutely misplaced ramadhan in my key priorities? i am of the mind that i did.


but it was all well... did what i needed to do. after maghrib i prepared myself to go to the mosque for the first tarawih prayers. always felt that it was more obligatory to go on the first day, to welcome the blessed month in congregation... and to try to go for more of the congregational prayers unlike how i have been the past ramadhans...


i think i was given a small gift at the mosque. to be able to observe beauty. i will leave it there.


but other reflections came in fast and furious. the imam misread some ayahs from simple surahs. i am not blaming him for it (even though he is an ustaz). the mistakes made by someone of his stature merely shows me that again, no one is infallible. even the best of us make mistakes. and this month is given as a respite to us, to make good all the wrong we have done in the past year, to cleanse ourselves from indulgences, and all in all, to make us humble in our ibadah. we need to seek rahmah(mercy), maghfirah(forgiveness) and freedom for the torments of the fire. there was a short sermon given after the tarawih session. that moved me quite a few times. realising my own shortcomings and limitations, the sermon extolled making ramadhan the stepping stone to a life better disciplined as a muslim. i know that i have not been such a good muslim the past year. and what was said, echoed my own sentiments and regrets.


somehow that sermon delivered on the first night drove home to me the point that there is a need to strive and make amends. make the fasting something more significant to you tha n merely attaining hunger and thirst and feeling week. strive to Him, and by His Grace, you might just achieve it.


insya Allah, i will do my best.


to those who still visit this asylum, blessed ramadhan to all.

for the sake of my absence

haha... what a title for a post.

but yes. i know that it really has been a while since i wrote. and despite saying that i was back in august, i did not write anything. till today at least.

well, the reason i chose to pen tonight, is because i know that i would be truly retreating into my own world pretty soon. if you all havent noticed yet, i already began.

just some brief updates then i suppose.

its 3rd year, the year when it all culminates. whether i become an OT or not truly depends on the outcome of this year. hence i have got to make things happen.

fyp will be a killer i tell you. i have been spending more time in school than at home, cos of this three letters. i have been lugging my lappie and what nots... transferring libraries of references of articles and journals and books, just so that i am ready and prepared. and yet, i am not.
my sup has a way of disarming you from all the preparations in the world. fyp = for you, pain.

that aside, the 3rd year modules are really heavy, requiring integration of work from years 1 and 2. the exams are due in 2 weeks, and i am seriously SERIOUSLY afraid that i would not be able to maintain my standards.

clinicals. wanted to go aussie, but too close to raya for comfortable departure. so i decided to postpone it for next year instead. hope i wont be challenged by the smart ones. haha.

as u can see, its all school now.

but i miss them friends of mine. unfortunately, time is not on my side. so all i can say to those who read this blog, i love you. drop me a message now and then to remind me of you. and to remind me that you are still around. i would need that human presence, to rid my baggage of academia.

*breathe*

...

...
...
...

i am back.

incomplete by BSB

hehe... latest song philia...
dunno whats up with me and songs with nice piano beginnings...

Incomplete

Empty spaces fill me up with holes

Distant faces with no place left to go

Without you within me

I cant find no rest

Where Im going is anybodys guess

Ive tried to go on like I never knew you

Im awake but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

But without you all Im going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on

But I am swimming in an ocean all alone

Baby, my baby

Its written on your face

You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I dont mean to drag it on, but I cant seem to let you go

I dont wanna make you face this world alone

I wanna let you go

Backstreet Boys

if i fall in love...

taken from a dearest brother's blog...which he quoted from another blog. but i too feel that it is a necessary reminder for the whole lot of us, who often forget the true meaning of the word love, and the true intention of love, and to whom love should be directed to.


i am guilty of such trangressions.

"Ya Allah, jika aku jatuh cinta, cintakanlah aku pada seseorang yang melabuhkan cintanya padaMu agar bertambah kekuatanku untuk mencintaiMu. Jagalah cintaku padanya agar tidak melebihi cintaku padaMu.

Ya Allah, jika aku jatuh cinta, izinkanlah aku menyentuh hati seseorang yang hatinya bertaut padaMu agar aku tidak terjatuh ke dalam jurang cinta semu.

Ya Allah, jika aku jatuh cinta, jagalah hatiku padanya agar tidak berpaling dari hatiMu.

Ya Allah, jika aku rindu, jagalah rinduku padanya agar tidak lalai merindukan syurgaMu.

Ya Allah, jika kau halalkan aku merindu kekasihMu, jangan biarkan aku melampaui batas sehingga melupakan aku pada cinta hakiki dan rindu abadi hanya kepadaMu.

Ya Allah, engkau mengetahui bahawa hati-hati ini telah berhimpun dalam cinta padaMu, telah berjumpa dalam taat padaMu, telah bersatu dalam dakwah padaMu. Telah berpadu dalam membela syariatMu. Kukuhkanlah ikatannya, ya Allah. Kekalkanlah cintanya, tunjukilah jalan-jalannya. Penuhilah hati-hati ini dengan nurMu yang tiada pernah pudar. Lapangkanlah dada-dada kami dengan limpahan keimanan kepadaMu dan keindahan bertawakal di jalanMu."

whats with the hiatus again?

as many of you may ask... haha...


well, its just the school heebie-jeebies all over again... lessons are getting along fine, apart from the fact that they begin early and end late... to the point that we come to school before dawn and leave school after dusk! ok i am exaggerating here... but the point is that time has really been very squished and it is rather difficult to squeeze in other things into the already packed schedule that i have.


that's my main complaint for the past weeks.


so now here are the updates!


ever since the last entry, of course many things have happened... DUH!
more important stuff to me are:


1) i have been elected president of the SHS Club, a branch of the SU. and with it comes the whole chore of running a committee... and having to initiate plans so that the club and the management committee can grow... so thats quite a headache actually. but i will do my best. i actually got quite a hyped-up committee, and we just hope that our choices work out to the best.


2) i did NOT get the goh chok tong promise youth award, which is a scholarship for non-traditional areas of interests and study. according to a minister i spoke to, there were 52 competitors for the award, and i was ousted. well. you get some, you lose some. but damn, i need to seriously ask for a sponsorship.


3) NTUMS has already decided on the 19th exco, and i am proud to say that some of my dearest friends have been given the mandate to lead this year round. i wish them the best of times, and pray that all will be well.


4) NYPMS is also being set up, and i have been in constant liaison with the relevant people to try to consolidate efforts in this matter. pray for me in this matter.


5) i want to go to aceh end of this year, to help out the darussalam youths under whom this project is drafted. but attachments are in that period as well, so it may be difficult to do so. unless of course i ask the clinical coordinator to modify my schedule. hmm... but i will miss a few people's birthdays... those whom i love too. compromise compromise...


6) finally realising the need to lose some weight, and taking more definite steps to it. am going for more active activities at least twice a week, which includes swimming, and brisk walking... and as rejab, syaaban and ramadhan are already right at our doorstep, the fasting should also complement my efforts. i hope to lose at least 20kg by end of the year.


7) studiotraffic, my internet income generator, is finally paying off. i got my first cheque for USD 40 in july, and hope to see the money grow even more in the times to come.


8) i love you all very much. and i miss you very much.


there...done!

Dedication to a dear, dear brother

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed


I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance


I hope you dance, I hope you dance


I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making


Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...


I hope you dance (Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance (Rolling us along)
I hope you dance (Tell me who)
I hope you dance (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder where those years have gone)


I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance


Dance


Lee Ann Womack - Dance

i think the song aptly covers some of the things discussed, but at the same time, it summarises quite a bit of my hopes for you. if anything, remember this song from me to you.

ledang gathering & praesentia retreat

last saturday was a packed day for me...though one which was most enjoyable.
in the morning i made my way to mendaki for a gathering with the ledang peeps...
of which i was made in charge of photographs... i had to develop over 100 photos... and make a frame as a gift to mendaki... haha... it was kinda fun working through the photos and calling people up... somewhat made me feel useful... but i hated the fact that i could not stay long enough to play along with my kids... sani, sha, rahim, wan, wan galah, rino, ariff, hafiz, hariz... almost all came down... sigh... i miss them lots... but i managed to give aliff a call to speak to the kids... and relayed my apologies to them... so it was sorta alrite...


anyways, the reason i could not be with the kids, was because i was with another set of equally wonderful people... the praesentia peeps! haha... the seniors decided to have a show of appreciation for the juniors who managed to rise above the challenge to put up a great FOC... hence we designed the whole afternoon and evening around celebrating their efforts...


it began with asar at ghufran, after which they were presented with their special personalised items, and made to reflect on them. we sent them on a photo hunt of utterly ridiculous things around tampines. then they went to macdonalds to buy ice-cream back to ghufran, and were just in time for a short break and maghrib. after that, they were made to look for the restaurant which we were going to treat them at. meanwhiles, we set up the tables at istanbul restaurant, to make it look as if some big shots were coming... even the owner of the restaurant was asking who we were receiving at the restaurant... as soon as the kids arrived, we ushered them to their seats which were already labelled, and served them their drinks... and immediately after, the food was served. food was really filling, what not, with sweet and sour garoupa, fried baby squids, kangkong belacan, lemon chicken and vegetable soup. haha. there was even desert (fruit cocktail with jelly) to wash it all down. we had certificates presentation along the way, and quiz to award them with more titbits... and those dears, they gave US tokens of appreciations too!! which they painstakingly did up the day before... sweet rite? haha... me abu and shikin agree that it was a day most well spent and thought off...

yah... weekend update over!

hehe...

so so...what is it that i wanted to say?

erm. yah. so i been a naughty boy. and a really bad bad one at that.
so i got a scolding. and i repent from my idiocy.


i mustered the courage.
and apologised.
and made amends.


i hope that we are ok now.
and i pray that we do not go through that EVER again.


i already deleted the entries. (no i hid it away somewhere actually... my "diary")
and i thank you for being more magnanimous than you think you are.


and for finding it in you to forgive me.

lecture series by Prof Khaled Abou Fadl

had the opportunity to attend two talks by the above prof from the u.s., courtesy of dearest uan's invitations... and i did not regret attending them at all... the discourses meant a lot to me, as a social person, as a muslim both from a community point of view and a personal perspective.


the first lecture at hdb hub, was on the legitimacy of someone who claims to be speaking on God's behalf. the summary of what i got from the lecture was that everyone can speak out on his or her opinion, provided that the opinion is justified objectively (by the Quran and the Sunnah, and the exegesis of the scholars) and that all the evidence that exists to prove that opinion, is available to one and all. but no one can truly say that he speaks on God's behalf, for so Great is the He, that no one creation could possibly conceive His Divine Will. it is exactly for that reason that differences in opinions and diversity are allowed in Islam, and in fact therein lies the secret in the ayah of God, "Oh Mankind! We have created you from a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know (understand) one another." (Hujurat:13)


we were created to begin to get to know each other and celebrate, rather than eradicate, differences and diversity. each of the scholars may represent a certain perspective and hence hikmah to an issue, all of which are Mercies of the Divine Will. the creation of diversity is quite intentional, due to the knowledge that as humans, we would give different emphasis on different pieces of evidence and events. that was a truly beautiful thing to have learnt.


the other thing that i took back personally was the matter of the crisis that afflicts muslims nowadays. indeed, many people are rather free with their religious opinions and their own interpretations of matters - myself not exempt. the fear of speaking on issues of fiqh and fatwa has diminished greatly as compared to the past. prof reminded us of the past eras, where the Prophet's (pbuh) companions themselves were afraid of being held accountable in the Hereafter, for having possibly said something which is not right, even though they may have heard it from the Prophet himself. they would refer and re-refer, because no one could bear the weight and responsibility of speaking on God's and the Prophet's behalf. such is the level of humility and fear that they had. what of us? it truly set me thinking...


the second lecture was entitled, "the good, the bad and the ugly: seeking beauty in Islam". this lecture was taken quite personally by me. in it, prof discussed several moral characteristics and traits that describe and define the good from the bad, and the beautiful from the ugly. just to share, some of the traits that may group a person as being good include - to connect between people and to heal rifts, to forgive others, to practice humility and restraint, to control one's anger and hurt, to avoid friction and pick fights, to restrain against following one's whims and fancies. qualities that may categorise a person as bad - twisting the truth, listening in when one has no business, being harsh, calling other people names.


and i realised that for the good part, i am not there. and for the bad part, i am so there. i took the lecture as an admonishment to my own nafs. and i thought a great deal about what has happened lately around and about me. and it actually made me depressed, my own self-inspection. so, I decided to make some changes to my attitude, that i can at least take on some traits of mahmudah, and clear some mazmumah. i will detail some of the steps in the following blog.


yah.

berhenti berharap

Berhenti Berharap - Sheila on 7

aku tak percaya lagi

dengan apa yang kau beri

aku terdampar di sini

tersudut menunggu mati

aku tak percaya lagi

akan guna matahari

dengan mampu menerangi

sudut gelap hati ini

aku berhenti berharap

dan menunggu datang gelap

sampai nanti suatu saat

tak ada cinta kudapat

kenapa ada derita

bila bahagia tercipta

kenapa ada sang hitam

bila putih menyenangkan...

aku pulang...

tanpa dendam

kuterima.. kekalahanku

aku pulang...tanpa dendam

kusalutkan.. kemenanganmu

kau ajarkan aku bahagia

kau ajarkan aku derita

kau tunjukkan aku bahagia

kau tunjukkan aku derita

kau berikan aku bahagia

kau berikan aku derita

missing you

i suck at this.
but yah. i somehow do.

what we cannot escape from

it is inevitable that in the course of working together, there are some instances where we unintentionally misrepresent ourselves and our perspectives. this can be due to a lack of understanding between parties, stress and fatigue, a personal sense of inefficacy and incompetency and a lack of communal focus among the team members. here is where communication and support by the different parties involved are highly needed. without this communication, and attempting to clear up the air, we find that the situation takes a spiral turn downwards, and the dynamics of the team disintegrates.

there is only so much that we can do to help in such situations, and at the end of it, it all boils down to whether the team perceives what the problem truly is, and makes their own move to curb it before it affects them further.

i really hope that despite the fact that this issue is something we cannot run away from, at the very least, we have managed to lessen the negative impact upon the success of the event, while at the same time, from a positive aspect, improve the ukhuwwah between them and show them the need for communication and a constant retuning of their foci.

its all in the hand of God now.

the passing of a friend's father...

for all those who know adlin, her dad passed away this morning.
please gift a prayer and fatihah for his soul.

in retrospect, as i walked alone, i thought about how trivial certain things are when compared to death. how insignificant some of the things that are currently happening to me, and how i am handling them. it really brought home a point, of the frailty of life and of its temporality. i cried silently thinking about how we make unimportant things priorities in life, and forget its true purpose. sigh.

i guess even those who are still around need praying for.

end this

our stubbornness brought us both to this place. but i know neither of us will give in. i cannot see you anymore, nor hear of you, nor speak of you, nor think of you. my pain deepens everytime i do. in all equality, i shall not speak unkindly. but the disrespect towards me was more than i could bear. and like it or not, i cannot be that which i want to be - as how you cannot be what you want to be. so we are the same. and yet, while i erred on the side of emotiveness, you erred on the side of indifference. my hate erodes away at my hold on what i had once thought special and treasured. nothing binds us to each other now. not the past, not the present, nor the future.

empty. i see a void that will not be filled ever.

seek not my heart

Seek Not My Heart
by Kit McCallum

Oh gentle winds 'neath moonlit skies,
Do not you hear my heartfelt cries?
Below the branches, here about,
Do not you sense my fear and doubt?
'Side glistening rivers, sparkling streams,
Do not you hear my woeful screams?
Upon the meadows, touched with dew,
Do not you see my hearts a'skew?
Beneath the thousand twinkling stars,
Do not you feel my jagged scars?
Seek not my mournful heart kind breeze,
For you'll not find it 'mongst these trees.
It's scattered 'cross the moonlit skies,
Accompanied by heartfelt sighs.
It's drifting o'er the gentle rain,
A symbol of my silent pain.
It's buried 'neath the meadow fair,
Conjoined with all the sorrow there.
It's lost among the stars this night,
Too far to ease my quiet fright.
No, gentle winds, seek not my heart,
For simply ... it has torn apart.

learn to be lonely

Child of the wilderness

Born into emptiness

Learn to be lonely

Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you

Comfort and care for you

Learn to be lonely

Learn to be your one companion

Ever dreamed that out in the world

There are arms to hold you?

You've always known

Your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness

Child of the wilderness

Learn to be lonely

Learn how to love life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely

life can be lived

life can be loved

Alone.

saperlah aku

"paku dalam saku

paku datang dari seberang

aku adalah aku

aku hilang dalam terang"

a very interesting poem given to me by a friend.
we often hear this rhetoric being posed, "saperlah aku?"
and people get irritated by it, especially when it is used to garner pity.

i use it too for the same reasons.

but some other people use it to highlight their condition of always being abused and mistreated.
and i get very sad when they say it to me. cos i have nothing to say back to them.

left helpless.

galactica

this camp was held over 3 days @ ECP and Changi...
and despite the odds of planning, and how unready we were at the beginning, the camp turned out very well, and i believe beyond the expectations of many of us.

and at this camp, i realised the importance of always remembering the true intention of helping out at any activity. bro zul said to us at the very beginning - that we needed to purify our intentions, else all our efforts would go to moot. for me, it went further than that: it was almost a psychological issue. if i had not kept myself sane and grounded, knowing that i needed to do it for the kids, rather than for the adults, i don't think that i could have lasted. i told myself that this camp was for the benefit of the children, and not for the sake of proving the abilities of any one person... and it was only through repeatedly telling myself this, that i could bring myself to last the three days... that was how tiring and stressful being involved was.

but it all turned out good, and i am glad to have been a part of it anyways.
i just pray that people learn and see things differently now that the camp has ended, and that everyone becomes a better person having gone through this challenge.

hatchday

i used to think that my birthday was something special.
but it seemed as though it was not.
but its ok.

simply put, the ones who cared showed that they cared.
the ones who did not, well, did not.

the contradictions that run in my head are most irritating.
to love or not to love... soalan cepu mas.

tioman

immediately home from ledang, i had to pack for my next trip out to tioman. believe it or not, i only had 3 hours of sleep before i had to leave the house again.

but it was good of course. everything went very smoothly during our departure, and in no time, we reached tioman.

tioman, is almost paradise on earth.

to me, it was a wonderful sabbatical to have been taken. i really did not think of anything else while i was there. it was just the island, my friends and me. of course it helped that i did not need to think of any money issues while i was there, seeing that they (my friends) were covering my expenses for the while...

we had a great time swimming and splashing around in the beach just outside our chalet, chatting up the locals and expats who were holidaying there as well, gossiping and sharing our secrets (hehehe!), snorkelling (which is really tremendously fun and scary at the same time), and stuffing our faces full of anything that whets our appetite... it was really a no holds barred getaway, and i think that is what really made the difference for me... just 4 guys and everything to do!

haha, i miss tioman already.
next stop will be redang or bali.

or hell, let's take the diving course shall we??

ledang

from the 10-13, i went to climb the legendary mt ophir with my ntu friends. it was a most fulfilling and enriching trip for me. i went as a facilitator to a group of youths-at-risk, in the hope that the companionship that i could provide would somehow leave a mark, however small. although that was the official capacity of my expedition, i found myself making it a matter of personal achievement. mt ophir is after all, the sixth most challenging mountain terrain in the whole of malaysia, and to reach the peak is something to be proud of. although my ascent was not absolutely trouble free (what not with the cramps, and the heavy bags, of which i had to be relieved of before i could continue my climb), i have to say that i managed to feel exhilarated once i conquered the summit. another incident which happened tested my mettle to take responsibility and use my medical knowledge to manage a casualty, which i think i did ok, alhamdulillah.

but as always, its the people whom i am serving that i should be most worried about. i am glad to say that despite being in the most rowdy, loud, obnoxious, insane team ever of boys, we managed to hit it off, and we managed to hit it off good. there was a good rapport, which became something more at the end. and i know that as how i felt it, the boys felt it too. and it was something good.

so that is ledang in a breath - sigh.

we are just humans.

"God does not burden any human being with more than he is well able to bear"

I feel that this ayah is one that indicates how strong God has created Man, in terms of his resilience and his ability to overcome adversity. It is not a statement of an end, but a statement of process and development. Through the tests and trials that He wills upon us, our faith and our principles are given the necessary fortifications, and our belief is bolstered. It is important to always view these trials that come upon us with a greater perspective than our own immediate environment, otherwise, we may be in danger of losing our hope. Remaining positive, and remembering that God is Kind and Merciful towards His creation always, helps a great deal in moving us on from our worries.

The gravity of the problems that afflict us are usually in proportion to the amount of faith that we have. And conversely, it is the amount of faith that we have that allows us to see the magnitude of the problems. I feel that this is already a mercy that is granted to us.

At the end of it, we are just what we are: humans.
And not all power is in our hands. We can only do what we can, and hope that He is happy with our efforts.

Wallahu 'alam bissawab.

envisage, onwards, prosper!

had a very interesting seminar for youths and volunteerism.
congratulations to the ntu team for clinching the most creative team award. most deservingly i must say.

went on to darul makmur for the youth carnival. met up with dearest juniors, fauzy, abu sufian, hakim and azrul. was another successful event i must say. enjoyed myself thoroughly.

both the events were featured on tv. hehz.
it puts a smile on my face thinking about it.
hehz.

of friends

many things have happened.
to my circles, another set has been added, courtesy of the sri lanka expedition.
really good, fun-loving people. replete with the emotional attachments.

of the old, many have been renewed and revisited. for that i am truly thankful and happy.

i met with big groups of each circle very very recently. and hence i feel fulfilled.
my dears, my lovers, my babies, my brothers and sisters - all of them taking their own space in my heart.

how can i not feel full?

this june

busy as a bee.
flitting all over to learn and serve.
i just hope that i will be happy at the end of it.

dr t is back from kuantan. finally.

can't wait for everything to be over.
when i can breathe freely again.

results

woke at 6 in the morning, and looked at an sms i had just received.
3 As, 1 B+, 3 Bs.
i can smile.

and to a dear friend:
congratulations as well. this bestowment upon you is an accolade that you truly deserve. revel in it diva.

after the exams...

i went to sri lanka for a two-week stint in humanitarian operations, serving the tsunami-devastated town of hambantota. all negative experiences aside (including being stranded for 2 days in colombo with a fellow expeditioner), it was truly heart-warming being able to see the resilience of the human spirit first hand. six months post tragedy, the good citizens were already picking up the pieces of their lives, as best as they could. the children were, by God's grace, not as adversely affected as they were made out to be, so we had a pretty easy time with them. the call to not be emotionally attached was, of course, difficult to comply with and in the end, disregarded. the children were much too adorable to remained detached. and the people were friendly and appreciative of what we were doing for them.

i got the opportunity to appreciate nature at one of her most powerful moments. standing on a rock formation, eroded by the powerful waves of the indian ocean, and staring out into the vastness of the sea and the expanse of the sky - simply breathtaking. no words can adequately describe the memory and flurry of emotions that accompanies this experience.

sri lanka left me humbled and truly thankful for what i have taken for granted. my love be with those who touched me there, and my prayers are with them always.

clearing the air

the hiatus from march to may has been one of necessity.
examinations were just around the corner, and i felt that i needed to focus my energies on what was more importantly at hand.

so i abstained from blogging.

and it has paid off.

my first year results in OT are something that i can be very proud of.
and indeed i am.

this first year in OT has been most exciting and exhilarating, and i have seen tremendous development and growth in myself.

again, looking back, a choice well made.

more to come.

it's been a while...

it's been close to 3 months since i last wrote.
and in these 3 months, many things have taken place.
and some things have yet to.

in time, surely i will write of it.

but for now, welcome back.

it's coming part 2

to an end that is.

jaa.

misunderstood, but who cares right?

these days i find myself facing off tremendous pressure from all sides. needing to maintain my social roles as a friend and son, and at the same time fulfil my occupational roles as a student and committee member. however i find myself being misunderstood in all of these roles, that people cannot realise that i am trying my best to handle the multitude stresses that are on me, especially in this tumultuous time.

i am isolating myself from my friends.
i am not really functional as a son.
i am rather resigned and nonchalant about my committee.

i am focused on my exams.

to all those who think that i am being personal, or being a jerk, or being emotional...
whatever.

i did not have time, do not have time, will not have time to entertain your misperceptions of me.
at the end of the day, i live for myself.

and by the looks of it, i have been living by myself too.

simple

sim·ple(smpl) adj. sim·pler, sim·plest

1.Having or composed of only one thing, element, or part. See Synonyms at pure.
2.Not involved or complicated; easy: a simple task. See Synonyms at easy.
3.Being without additions or modifications; mere: a simple “yes” or “no.”
4.Having little or no ornamentation; not embellished or adorned: a simple dress.
5.Not elaborate, elegant, or luxurious. See Synonyms at plain.
6.Unassuming or unpretentious; not affected.
7.Having or manifesting little sense or intelligence.
8.Uneducated; ignorant.
9.Unworldly or unsophisticated. See Synonyms at naive.
10.Not guileful or deceitful; sincere.
11.Humble or lowly in condition or rank: a simple woodcutter.
12.Ordinary or common: a simple head cold.
13.Being a fundamental or rudimentary element; basic.
14.Not important or significant; trivial.

note definitions 1, 2, 3, 6, 7, 11 & 14.

fyi. get back to me if this is ok.

what i feel

In my dreams I'm dying all the time

As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind

I never meant to hurt you

I never meant to lie

So this is goodbye

This is goodbye

Tell the truth you never wanted me

Tell me

In my dreams I'm jealous all the time

As I wake I'm going out of my mind

Going out of my mind

Porcelain-Moby

its coming...!

11th March 1982

Taufiq's birthday that is...

AND in following the footsteps set by a dear friend (which, by the way, is very effective in garnering gifts, i must say), here is taufiq's wish list, in order of realism...

very realistic... a.k.a short-term gratification

1) Leather wallet replete with cards and coin compartments (GIFTED)

2) Watch (GIFTED!)

3) Male skincare/ grooming accessories

4) Gillette M3 Razor (the one with the battery)

5) Sobakawa pillow

6) Nice shirts and ties (ala metrosexual cutting)

7) Nice pants to go with nice shirts

8) Manicure + Pedicure

9) Haircut at a salon

10) Karaoke session

11) Dinner(s) at an atas place(s)

not so realistic... a.k.a. long term gratification

1) Ipod Mini remote

2) DVD writer compatible with Mac (external)3)

3) Motorola E1000 3G handphone

4) Spa + Massage treatment

5) Brazilian waxing

6) PELG with free applicator

out of this world! a.k.a permanent gratification

1) a new apartment

2) a new car

3) a million dollars to buy everything above and more

oh and in addition to all that, he wishes for world peace.

kindly contact the birthday boy to be if anyone wishes to sponsor the above gifts.

it would really make his day.

...a favour by the insane one

missing

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe some day you'll look up
And barely conscious you'll say to no one
Isn't something missing?

You won't cry for my absence I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me not now
Though I'd die to know you loved me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
"Isn't something missing?"
Isn't someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake without you there

Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

Missing - Evanescence

oh am i...?

You Are 80% Extrovert, 20% Introvert

You are as outgoing as they come The life of the party, you're friends with everyone You're a people person, and you are quite the entertainer You love being around a crowd and acting spontaneously

Are You An Extrovert or An Introvert?

verily, i have wronged myself...

Oh Rabb,

Verily I have wronged myself,

And if You do not forgive me and show Mercy on me,

Then I shall be among those

who have lost out dearly.

Vois sur ton chemin

Vois sur ton chemin
Gamins oubliés égarés
Donne leur la main
Pour les mener
Vers d'autres lendemains

Sens au coeur de la nuit
L'onde d'espoir
Ardeur de la vie
Sentier de la gloire

Bonheurs enfantins
Trop vite oubliés effacés
Une lumière dorée brille sans fin
Tout au bout du chemin

Sens au coeur de la nuit
L'onde d'espoir
Ardeur de la vie
Sentier de la gloire

- Les Choristes

en francais... je me deteste.

pourquoi est-il que nous peut ne jamais apprendre à parler la verité entre eux ?
pourquoi est-ce que je dois combattre au-dessus du plus petit des issues ?

pourquoi est-ce que je dois me sens si mauvais chaque fois, pourquoi dois j'aspirer chaque fois, et est-ce que pourquoi je souffrir pour mes propres actions chaque fois ?

vous savez je t'aime, mais vous ne le direz jamais de nouveau à moi.
mais je sais que mon amour signifie seulement quelque chose à moi, mais je place des espérances.

je ne suis mériter pas ... de la paix apparemment.
j'apporte à ceux-ci sur me

l'idiot que je suis...

through the looking glass

how many times does a person look inwards, and realises that he is not what he makes himself out to be?

and how many times can a person realise this, and still falter in his conduct?

i peeped through my eyes in a time past, and saw the true me.

dependant, ignoble, arrogant, self-justifying.
my values system was a complete farce.

and just when i thought i was already trying, and trying my darndest best.
just when it seemed like i had it under control.
everything just fell through my hands.
just like that.

i am still that idiot, that imbecile, that ignoble arrogant fool who has not moved a single bit.
not even a hair.

that is how freakingly stunted i am.

what have the past 2 years done to me...?
what have i not done for me...?

i am disgusted at myself.

and i dare mock others. when i am worse off.
and i dare impose myself on others, when i do not impose myself on me.

undeserving.
truly undeserving.

neptunians, beware

You Are From Neptune

You are dreamy and mystical, with a natural psychic ability. You love music, poetry, dance, and (most of all) the open sea. Your soul is filled with possibilities, and your heart overflows with compassion. You can be in a room full of friendly people and feel all alone. If you don't get carried away with one idea, your spiritual nature will see you through anything.

What Planet Are You From?

really?

You Are 100% Psychic

You are so very psychic. But you already predicted that, didn't you? You have "the gift" - and you use it daily to connect with others. You're very tapped into the world around you... Just make sure to use your powers for good!

Are You Psychic?

my lurve number

Your Love Number is

2 Of all the numbers, you are the most caring and empathetic lover. Unselfish and humble, you find it easy to forgive your sweetie's mistakes. At times, your need to please can be come a bit too needy. As long as you remain somewhat independent, your relationships are perfectly balanced.

What Is Your Love Number?

validation

I Love You for the Sake of Allah

One day while the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, was sitting with his Companions, a man passed by them. One of the ones sitting said, “I love this man.” The Prophet (pbuh) wanted to know if he had told this man his feelings or not. So the Prophet (pbuh) asked him, “Did you tell him?”The man replied, “No, I have not told him yet.” The Prophet (pbuh) told him that if one loves his brother, he should tell him of his feelings. So the man got up and hurried to catch the other man.Then he said to him, “I love you for the sake of Allah.” The other man replied, “May Allah love you, as you loved me for His Sake.”

Thus, it is a Prophetic tradition that a Muslim tell his Muslim brother that he loves him for the sake of Allah, and the other replies that he loves him, too, for the sake of Allah.

buat renungan.

Allah. this came at a much needed time.

i am what i am

i know that some people do not feel comfortable with the way i conduct myself towards them.
overly-affectionate. ultra-sensitive. a combination of weird and unbecoming.

i say this.
i am what i am.

if you wish to accept me, i ask that you accept me whole-heartedly.
in all that i am, because i am what i am.

do not ask that i keep a part of me from manifesting when i am with you.
do not ask that i act, just so you can face others.
do not ask that i change, because it effects a barrage of unfortunate events, that lead to something you may not have wished for in the first place.

i know i should not impose my values on others, if i do not want them to do likewise to me.
i try.

but those few to whom i do whatever it is i do, it is only because i am overwhelmed by what my heart seems to feels for you.

i may not understand it,
but i am what i am.

disenchanted. disenfranchised.

I walk a lonely road

The only one that I have ever known

Don't know where it goes

But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street

On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Where the city sleeps and

I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me

My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating

Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me

'Til then I walk alone

I'm walking down the line

That divides me somewhere in my mind

On the border line

Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines

What's ****** up and everything's alright

Check my vital signs

To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Greenday