minerva's burfdae

an event planned in the eleventh hour.

but glad to say, everything went as expected.

woo hoo! i hope the birthday girl had as much fun and excitement as we had in the planning...

"roti abon babi, roti abon babi, satu dua tiga empat, roti abon babi..."

there was great food, great company and great hearts.

"macam mana gajah terbang? dengan cukup susah payah."

laughs were all around and screams were abound.

"razak dengan burung-burung nya..." (razak you so missed this part)

personally i was just glad that everyone managed to come together to celebrate the life of a dear dear friend. May Allah bless her with a long, healthy, fulfilling, happy life in the company of those who love her.

on an end note:
i miss you guys so much.
time is too short whenever we're together.
i was overwhelmed at the end of the day.
but all is good, all is good.
sigh.

for a purpose, with the patience

i was in a state of mind the past few weeks, feeling under-appreciated and used. it seemed to me that people were approaching me only for my services, and i was nothing more but an advantageous addition to whatever it is they intend to do. and i was saddened because the actions of those around me only seemed to confirm that which i assumed or observed. i was in a downward spiral of despair, and growing more and more spiteful of those i blamed for setting me off.

but, somewhere inside, a voice spoke to me. and suddenly the silent voices around me also began to speak up. they advised me, a worthy advice indeed. and so...

paradigm shift in life that i have decided to try to abide by.

that in life, we should live for a purpose, which is The Purpose, and that is to achieve mardhatillah. oh ntu peeps, the MS motto finally comes to light. and in that living, we should of course bear on with patience that is as tenacious as anything in the world. patience towards what others do unto you, patience towards what is being tested unto you, patience towards challenges and obstacles that you face, patience towards the anger, hurt, despair, gloom and unhappiness.

and once you see the supremacy of The Purpose over all else... nothing else really matters.
and for once, you achieve a serenity that all other attitudes seem to not be able to give.

and as how dear ratna says it, you will find it so much easier to remain happy and unburdened.

bro tariq said something in a session that i attended, that a muslim should strive to make everyday an excellent day, a day that he will not look back with regret, a day that will lead him closer to his Creator. and strive i will.

affirmation, approval and encouragement given by close friends to whom i have confided this in.

pray for me now.

just

I know it's late now I know I ought to go

Ride in your car now but please don't drop me home

My head's so heavy, could this be all a dream?

Promise me maybes and say things you don't mean

Rain fall from concrete coloured sky

No boy, don't speak now you just

Drive, drive, drive

Take me through make me fell alive, alive

When I ride with you

Keep my heart turning on axles around you

Keep our love burning just like it used to do

Now just for us, they could play our favourite tune

Let's not discuss all these things we can't undo

Let

Rain fall from concrete coloured sky

No boy, don't speak now you just

Drive, drive, drive T

ake me through make me fell alive, alive

When I ride with you

Rain fall from concrete coloured sky

No boy, don't speak now you just drive

Bic Runga - Drive

death of the third hokage

“Iruka sensei, why do people sacrifice their own lives for the sake of others?

When people die, they disappear and become a part of the future...
As those people die, their dreams come to life.

But… there is something just as important as that.

Parents, siblings, friends, couples.

People that are precious to you are connected… they trust and help each other…when you are born, they connect to everything in your life and when they die, they become a part of that strong chain that connects everyone and everything.

It’s not surprising that a person within the chain holds on to it tightly.

Because it’s important."

how true.

lying low for the while

i think in order to bide me over this tumultuous time, i am going to just lie low for a while.
i don't want to risk hurting others and hurting myself.
and i wish to take the solitude to reflect on my own development.
if you need me, call me. otherwise, leave me in my contemplation.

i have a lot of work to do on myself.
habluminallah, habluminan naas.

2 most difficult cords to maintain.

Guide me, and lead me to the straight path.

'Atini mahabbataka wa makrifataka, ya Allah.

hiking with the ladies, a man, and a matin

hehehe.

fun fun fun.

got competition and all.

and diva lady made sandwiches for everyone.

nice nice nice.

fit fit fit.

hahaha.

again again again?

advice for petty me

pardon the last few entries.
i needed to vent my anger.
i already re-apologised to those involved.

rezuan told me today that sometimes he pities the love that i have for others.
and he said, love Allah more, because the others whom i love, may not be around, even himself.

bro, i truthfully have to say, sometimes i pity myself. for being unable to control that which i feel, and bringing hurt to myself. and i do know the limit, and fragility of the love that i have for you all - it may not last the test of time, it may not be there when i need it, and therefore i should focus on that which i should. i am trying, and i am relearning it. but a life of a muslim is fraught with tests and obstacles, and the love that i bear in me, is both blessing and bane.

He knows my efforts, and He knows my weaknesses, and as we all know, we are not burdened with things we cannot handle. i thank you for your prayers brother, and more. and i believe that i am much stronger than this (as are you).

for all your worries, this is just a passing phase for me too. i get into these super-sensitive moods, where logic may not prevail. and i wallow in my own emotions, which may be negative and crappy to behold.

our final purposes are after all, our own.

sigh.

the truth

i guess the reason i am always getting angry is this - that i expected more from a relationship that has stood against so much for so long. i expected you to be able to know my nuances better than others, which is why i am more lenient to those who just made their acquaintance with me. but you should know better, above all others. and the fact that you demonstrate ignorance and apathy even after all that time, irks me. it just points to a sad fact, that the worth that you place in trying for my sake, is really not much.

really, even after all these years, nothing.
i feel that, you know.
and it hurts a lot.

angry

i know myself well enough to say that i am not perfect. and in spite of trying to improve myself, i still have many hurdles to clear, and i am not getting closer even as i speak. but damn it, i don't need you being there and yet might as well not be. really. sometimes i feel that i am blocking my own path with you. why am i doing this to myself? is it really worth my time, my pain, my effort? you are going to be just you at the end of the day. and i don't want to find myself just as stinking stagnant as you. damn it. i am pissed. really really pissed. go with others you are more comfortable with, those who are as stinking as you are. like i said before and i say it again, you will never see. it does not pay to love i tell you.

never got you

i never did get your shame.
is it due to ego?

or is it me?
you cannot stand me and how i carry myself?
you cannot believe the things i do?
you cannot accept me for who i am?

others are fine with me.
but you, apparently not.

whatever lah.
maybe it's just not meant to be.

saddened

i remember that one told me that if i needed to, i will be able to.
and yes, it was true that i could when i did.

but i am saddened, that even so, that one did not reciprocate with a response that would leave me even the slightest bit satisfied.

it was but a meaningless gesture.
an embrace of no worth.

that one will not know.
that one will not know.

"I can't make you love me

And you can't make me either

Patience, boy I need it

I can't make me love you"

- butterfly boucher

ma'al hijrah

new year, renewed aspirations.

Allah, guide us along the Blessed Path, and forgive us our past transgressions. Lead us to a fulfilling and enlightening future, that we may revel in Your Mercies and Blessings.

Allah, bless those who love and are loved, and keep us in this love that stems from Your Gift to us.

kullu 'amin wa antum bi khair.

nusms nite cycling

went for the event, cos azfar invited me. after much of my pestering.

it was nice.

tiring, but you feel good after it.

and with the company, even better.

i had taufiq, azfar, abu, asri and muslim, wan janggut, hafiz k, ashar, herman, rozi and din among others. t'was good meeting them all, especially yang lama tak jumpa.

so had a whole night at east coast, and changi.
had a guardian all the way, though i wondered why. but it strengthened my faith and more in the guy. Allah, bless him.

then din sent us home, but not before we went to eat at madina at sembawang.
and we were cracking jokes and teasing each other all the way, a result of lack of sleep, leading to a sense of euphoria. hahaha.

yang tak boleh angkat, masa abang rozi nak tengok whether the car we were in will hit a motor on the left. dengan sewenang-wenangnya, dia gerakkan kepalanya untuk melihat ke luar tingkap.

*DUK*

kepala dia terhantuk ke tingkap, yang belum diturunkan.

terkekek semua.

reflection

"And strive for Allah with the endeavour which is His right.

He has chosen you and has not laid upon you in religion any hardship;

the faith of your father Abraham is yours.

He has named you Muslims of old time and in this Scripture, that the messenger may be a witness unto you, and that you may be witnesses unto mankind.

So establish worship, pay the poor-due, and hold fast to Allah.

He is your Protecting Friend. A blessed Patron, and a blessed Helper!"

Surah Al-Hajj, verse 78

saddened

i worry for the state of those dearest to me.

burdened by personal concerns and afflictions, they are doubled over from the sheer weight.
and it shows very clearly and simply: fatigue, burn out, seeking escape but never finding it.

so much so, that even a smile may drain them.

a friend asked me not to worry.

how can i stand still, when i know you hurt?
how can i breathe easy, when your own breaths are laboured?
how can i not feel your pain, when our hearts beat to the same rhythm?
how can i not worry, when i love you so much?

i wish i could do something more.
all i can do is pray that you all find rest and relief.
and may your purpose give you the strength you need to go on.

sigh.

Dear my love, haven't you wanted to be with me
And dear my love, haven't you longed to be free
I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you
And at sweet night, you are my own
Take my hand

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning's light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name

I have dreamt of a place for you and I
No one knows who we are there
All I want is to give my life only to you
I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore
Let's run away, I'll take you there

Forget this life
Come with me
Don't look back you're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left to stop you

Evanescence - Anywhere

i only have 24 hours in a day.

therefore i apologise beforehand, if i fall below expectations.
therefore i seek respite before i am accused of neglect.
therefore i ask for understanding, lest i am perceived otherwise.

this is an important semester for me, and a stressful one.
and they said that time management is of the essence.
and i am beginning to see it ever so evidently.

i know i have not been around, i know i have not been there, i know i have not performed what i used to do.

in times when perhaps i am needed, i have to make that choice.
even if it may seem cruel.

you all know that i love you a lot.
you all know that i am here, if and when you need me.
and you all know, that i want to give more, even as i speak.

but, time is not on my side.
selfish it may be, but again i reiterate: time is not on my side.

pardon me this time. i am in no power to fight against what needs to be done.

ida, nura, rita, ratna, shikin, azfar, rezuan, taufiq, shafur - among those whom i address this to.
i just pray that you all remain blessed and guided through this time.

near detonation

subhanallah.

its all i can say.

really. i am close to it.

just hope my brains dont suddenly squeal in protest and start oozing out my ears.

almost hypertensive

bad bad headache.

from all the thinking and reading and analysing and organising and reorganising.

i can feel my pulse drumming the sides of my head.
i think even my brain is rebelling against this torture.
i do not know how long my heart can take it.

its official you know. everyone is clearly feeling the tension in the environment, from the expectations that have been placed upon our shoulders. everyone acknowledges the need to perform and perform well. and everyone knows how important it is to maintain our standards, and improve even further.

dun crack, please.
its hard, damned hard, but dun crack please.

"today i dream, of friends i had before, what's become of them, the ones who called dun call anymore..." - Seal, Don't Cry

i wish...

i wish people were not so sad.
i wish people smiled a bit more.
i wish people could hear what resounds in another's heart.
i wish people took care of others, as much as they take care of themselves.
i wish people cared for themselves, as much as they care for others.

i wish people see what others see and feel what others feel.

i wish i can give more to you, as i really want to.
i wish i have more to give to you, as you really deserve.
i wish i can make you happy everyday, as you make me, even in the smallest way.
i wish a part of me can be with you, as you find your way.

i wish me you and you and you.
and i hope you wish you me, through and through.

obituary

azmi's father passed away today. please gift a fatihah for him.

may his soul be placed among those who are righteous and believers, and be blessed by the Merciful.

Amin.

potentiates

the young ones have a lot of potential in them.

i hope they find their own styles and use it to the best of their abilities. the meeting went along well, and i hope that that which was shared will be remembered. technicalities aside, everyone needs to understand what they will go through and what has to be done. although i cannot say that i was exemplary when it was my turn, i just hoped that they will understand us and understand what needed to be heard.

i do not see a clear path - in fact the mix of people who will be working together is very unpredictable. they will most definitely face conflict and obstacles. i pray that they are wise enough to rise above it, and settle amicably. it seems to me that we cannot place enough emphasis on the importance of communications. we kept on going back to that point. and i believe that this is something that EVERYONE should remember, no matter where we are now.

that aside, it would be most interesting to see how the FOC will turn out. and how i would love to be able to experience it for myself. just sad that perhaps i may not be able to, due to academic commitments. let's just pray for the best.

my skin tingles at the possibilities of the powers of these potentiates. woo hoo.

and fellow venatorians, lets see if they can one-up us.
and i love you peeps. king, advisor, ministers, one and all.

*bows*

clinical

with a lot of trepidation, i entered the rehabilitation centre. my companion and i expressed our fears and worries to each other. it was, after all, utterly new and alien to us. but fears and worries gave way to compassion, trust, and comfort...

which eventually led to a sense of fulfilment like no other.

again, the smiles, the laughter, the holding of hands, the embraces... the sheer innocence and naivette of young minds, was most refreshing, and most touching.

as sung by one, in a quiet voice, "que sera sera, whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours to see, que sera sera, what will be, will be..." i almost cried at the absolute aptness of that song.

endearing souls, not knowing, but forever living in their own worlds.
worlds without troubles. just peace.

visit to ntu

its funny how some unintended things, become such a source of happiness.

went to ntu, to take rezuan's form, and to pass zul his anat and physio book.
wanted to meet shikin along the way.

before that, on the bus, i met lieja, and then at the canteen, zaki and mr kamal, rizal and raihan.

i went to pray asar, and met hakim. who decided to accompany me a while, waiting for shikin.

then suddenly raymond came. then abu. then tze ying. then my sister's friend. then zul. then nokman. then saifuddin. then shikin and mazlinah.

then went to canteen again. then met nasir and ira. then rezuan and abu. then first semester ntu friend.

then went to maghrib, where i heard that wonderful recitation again.

then went to break fast at jp with rezuan and abu. got teased like dunno what. but if it makes them smile and laugh, i gladly go through it again.

see. unintended to meet all of them. yet by His Grace, i met all of them and more.

comfort in a dream

i found myself walking along a familiar path, a path i knew led me to school. the sky was ambiguous, in a shade of dusk and dawn. somehow i was dressed in another uniform but there was this feeling that i was not in the right place.

yet i walked on ahead, through the gates.

and saw the children, sitting down, running around.

i sat down beside a boy, no more than eight years of age, quiet in his own contemplation. his sister, a year older, was beside him, looking at him.

and we began a conversation, his quiescence against my speech.

"but you are special," i said to him. "you are not her, not him, nor him, nor him." i pointed to his sister, who began to smile gently and then to the other children running around. "everyone is different, and that is why everyone is special. but you are the most special one."

his sister smiled at me. and i continued a coversation that i cannot recall.

as i then stood up to leave at the end, the boy looked at me, tears in his eyes, and embraced me with a strength that belied his slight frame.

"thank you," he said. "may that which you work for, come true."

i woke up in wonder at the meaning of that dream. yet, i am surprisingly calm, and at peace. and there was such an overwhelming sense of comfort that i got from the last words i remembered.

in a very unexplainable way, i felt blessed.

quarter centenary...this boy...

happy 25th dearest razak...
may graces and beauty embrace you...
and His Mercy be upon you...
Smile always, and may your dreams... enter reality...

what's the point?

how would you feel, if you found out that all your years of education came to moot?

that the very point of you seeking that knowledge - to serve people... more importantly, to improve your family's well-being, either through direct application of that knowledge, or indirectly through the financial input or pride - is like dust that is blown around in the wind... insignificant, and of not much use?

i have been put to face this situation.

personally, it irks me. it disappoints me. it kills me.

that i, my knowledge, my purpose, is of no consequence to the ones i love the most.
that i will not be able to help, despite trying so hard.

what's the point...?

addendum

i just realised the use of colours in my blogging.

wow. how very unadventurous i was.

but no more.

wakakakakkakaka.

the mad rush of school

its the second week of school.

just.

and yet i am already feeling the pressure of the projects and assignments that i need to complete, on top of facing clinical attachments for 10 weeks. to give you a low-down:

lifestyle and lifespan development (week 6)
- a comparative study of developmental differences in a 13 month old male and female child. (interviews, literature review, observations & assessments, integration)

occupational therapy theory and process (week 6)
- a complete case analysis and management of a post-suicide patient with multiple fractures, spinal trauma, and traumatic brain injury

communication (week ?)
- debate series

research methods (wk ?)
- formulating a questionnaire

clinical attachment (week 10)
- MINDS, clinical diaries, and reflective journal

SHS Club
- Valentine's Day Project Love-Sellers (Feb)
- Captain's Ball League (Feb)
- SHS Students' Conference (March)
- Graduates' Dinner and Dance (May)

NYP Pal
- NYP Open House (March)

and they were telling us, this semester has been cut short to accomodate the new student intake in april. therefore, we have lesser time for lessons. but check this out - THE SYLLABUS HAS NOT BEEN ADJUSTED. an originally 16-week curriculum has been cut to about 12 weeks. That is almost a whole month difference. Yet we are expected to take it all in our stride, being the A-level students that we are, and produce results all the same.

mad i tell you.

simply mad.

to those whom i yearn for...

there are a few individuals who move me enough to make me yearn for them...
their absence is dearly dearly felt...
to them, i pledge my everlasting devotion and love...

Pride can stand a thousand trials,
The strong will never fall.
But watching stars without you, my soul cries.
Heaving heart, it's full of pain.
Oh, oh, the aching.
cause I'm missing you. oh.
I'm missing you, oh.

Touch me deep, pure and true.
Give to me forever.
cause I'm missing you. oh.
I'm missing you.

Where are you now?
Where are you now?
cause I'm missing you.
I'm missing you. oh.

adapted from Des'ree - Kissing You

clearer view. pardon the blood. 

my teeth. all shattered up. 

my first time being operated upon

*heaves a breath*

Rites. I came to the clinic at 10.00am and registered myself. By 10.30am i was called inside, where they asked me to put on a set of scrubs. I met up with the dental surgeon, a dentist by the name of Dr Teh, who explained to me the procedures. She also explained the risks that I face, namely temporary or permanent loss of sensation/ numbness to the jaw and/or tongue due to nerve injuries.

I went into the OT, my heart was pee-pooring (as how Nura would describe it). I was unusually nervous, and i attributed it to the fact that this was the first major procedure that i was going under, and that it is the DENTIST.

I sat in the chair, and Dr Teh proceeded on to anaesthesize me. It was a LONG needle, and it stung like crap. And there she was jabbing into my gums and my buccal areas... until at last, I could not feel anything. But I remembered flinching at one part when she was numbing the left side of my mouth, something which had repercussions later.

The orderly prepped me. My eyes were shielded from the glare of the lights with a surgical cloth. Thankfully. They did not cover my ears with mufflers or anything, so I heard every single noise that was made when the surgery was carried out.

Firstly, the incision into the gum to reveal the impacted teeth. That was not so bad...because the scraping of the gum was totally painless and no force was required.

then came the insane drilling.

i could smell my teeth burning from the friction.
i could feel the drill pushing in and shattering my teeth.
i could imagine how bloody it was, cos i could taste my blood.

the drilling was the one thing that made that whole experience, absolutely frightening. the singularly most frightening experience of my life.
dentists seem to work very well with drills, and that classic stereotype of a dentist drilling into your mouth while you lie helpless on the chair, became a reality for me. take that for experience.

but this dentist had something more up her sleeve. she attempted to extract a tooth which may possibly require operation to remove properly. and she pulled like there was no tomorrow. and i'd rather had my head come off, than my tooth, because she pulled super super hard, and the damn tooth did not budge. and i was getting distressed under the sheets. and i could feel the pain, because like i said, i think the left side was a bit poorly anaesthesized due to my own fault. but fortunately, it came off not long after.

when they removed the mask from my eye, i visibly wiped away a tear or two, and i do not know whether it was from the pain, or from the relief of the operation ending.

there you have it, a blow by blow account of my first major procedure.

*heaves another breath*

wisdom teeth extraction

going for it later today. minor op. forgive me if i have offended anyone. pray for me. will try to update with pictures.

i wonder

i wonder
if my way
leads me away
from you, everyday

i wonder
if my silence
amplifies the distance
that a step seems like oceans

i wonder
if my unsaid words
seem to accent the hurts
or do they go unnoticed like the hummingbird

i wonder
if i should go
would you even know
would your concern show

i wonder
if this fire dies
under the cold night sky
would its heat be sorely missed, or would you get by

i wonder
if my way
leads me away
from you, every moment, everyday

ERS

money come in, money go out.
bills fully paid.
loans still need to be serviced.
once again, bad with money.
'nuff said.

silencia et status quo

The precipitant for this entry is tied to my status as an alumnus of ntums. Although I have been counseled by some friends already and I am absolutely alright, it is just for the records that I am writing this, and to show that I have expressed my opinions on this issue before.

I find myself in a dilemma during and after events, when feedback is requested. And especially so when the people I am commenting on, are my peers and those I brought close to me. While on one side they need to hear what I have to say, on the other side, I don’t know what they have gone through to justify what I think how I think they should act. I based my comments on my own observations and on feedback made by others. But sometimes, as holistic as I wish to be and as unskewed as I want my comments to appear, my words still hurt those I never intended to. Because I am not in the fray of things. As it is, I am still technically an outsider, seeking the companionship of those whom I found most worthy. But my position puts me neither here nor there.

And I worry for the awkwardness that may arise from this ambiguity of who I am. Hence, the virtue of silence. Silence will keep me from being uncomfortable, and having the discomfort affect the working or personal relationships that I have already established. Of course, the silence has to be appropriately administered. But who is to control?

The reason perhaps I impose this, is because of the value of the friendships that I have with these people. Wrought of blessed intentions, and built upon by blessed deeds, I find myself tranquil when I work with them. And I don’t ever want to lose that feeling, and the love that I have for them is truly strong. We are exhorted to mix with good company, and with hose that enjoin goodness and bring us closer to the way of the Lord, and I will not deny, that I believe these are the people. Through them I have learnt many things. And I yearn to be with them sometimes, and I do reach out to them.

But they too have their own responsibilities and lives.
And I sometimes find myself reaching out to nothingness.

I am not ashamed to say, that I really love them. And that I fear, if the day comes that I drift apart from them. So recently, I asked a few of them, how long they saw me serving together with them? Indefinitely I was asking the state of things, and whether they saw me being around with them. The replies I got were varied, but most circled around me giving as much as I can and always being around whenever they needed me. And most importantly, they reminded me: that I am not serving anything else but His Purpose.

Which is true, I need to purify my intentions. The basis of the companionship was a gift from Him, and I should be thankful that I got to live the experience at all. Some people get by with less, and some people do not even have a group to properly call friends.

I just pray that with His Permission, these blessed friendships that I have will remain till the end.

NTU peeps reading this: Nizar sayang sekali.

Changing people

I was left reflecting on many things when the end of the year came around. One of these was the issue of people changing around you.

A friend of mine commented that she finds herself grappling when she tries to communicate with her friends. It is almost like there are two different worlds trying to assimilate into the conversation. My friend added that she feels like everyone else has matured, while she still remained the childish self that she was before.

I empathise with what she says. Again this situation rings true with me too. I too find myself struggling sometimes to speak the same language as my other peers. What seemed so easy to do before, now seems very, very alien. While I used to take pride in being a rather good communicator, I find that all that has changed.

Is it me, or is it the people around me?

We all live by our own principles, and our environments mould us to be the kind of people we are. The quake was a test of humanity in us, but I was appalled and greatly disappointed when the one person I thought would be the epitome of that humanity, declined to help out at an event. Yes of course, to each his own, and who am I to judge the hearts of others…but I was just hoping for more.

Hoping. Hoping means having Expectations. Having Expectations means having Standards to achieve. Having Standards that are high mean that some people cannot achieve these Standards, hence not fulfilling the Expectations and destroying Hope. Bringing about Sadness and possible falling out.

This issue of expecting certain things and behaviour from certain people, is what causes a great deal of conflict, among many of my friends and myself. I am trying my best to not expect, although you may say that it is only natural. But I wish to elevate whatever is it I have with other people, to a stage whereby it no longer matters what he or she does, as long as the conscience is clear. And that by just being, you derive satisfaction, which is more than enough.

Yet, I don’t know whether I will ever be able to.

I am trying. Really.

the quake that shook the world

I know I haven’t been updating a lot…because of my commitments and really hectic schedule…man, I even missed blogging throughout Christmas and the new year! But then, there is really nothing much to blog about, is there… there are much more important things happening that need the attention of the world.

An earthquake near Sumatra caused widespread damage, and claimed close to 200,000 lives when the consequent tsunamis devastated villages and destroyed entire tribes of people. God protect us from such calamities, and trying times.

This has to be the most frightful end of year event that I have ever experienced. To have such a terrible affliction come upon us, so close to where home is, and yet by the His Mercy, escape unscathed, is truly a reminder of how frail and helpless we are. It is also a reminder of our covenant with the Almighty, and that Man had better wake up, and realize how close he is to the end of times, and how necessary it is for him to return to his Lord, in humility and subservience. Indeed, Man has grown arrogant through the times, and forgets his duties and responsibilities to ensure the prosperity and harmony of Life. But we see Man taking lives, as if he were all-powerful; Man claiming victory over challenges he previously could not overcome; Man refusing to accept the proofs of the Creator; Man announcing his supremacy over all other beings; Man simply forgetting where he came from. The earthquake, to me, if anything, was a mere show of His Mercy – that while He could easily take everyone’s lives in the blink of an eye, He willed ONLY the earthquake and tsunamis, so that Man still has time to reflect and repent.

Masya Allah.

I was moved by the myriad footages that were shown over the media – of the waves rising onto the shore and inland, of the women and men crying over their lost ones, of the paths of destruction left behind by the waves, of the dead bodies being dumped in mass graves – the overwhelming sense of loss, grief and hopelessness. The humanity in me cried out for deliverance. And I needed to find an outlet to help those who needed it.

Alhamdulillah, with my NTUMS friends, I managed to help out at a collection centre for essentials items. Suffice to say, I did my part, however little it was. And it helped me move on from the grief that I felt.

I laud the efforts of those who continue helping to this day. May we all be judged kindly for our contributions.

And to everyone else, please do offer prayers for the lives lost, and pray for His Mercy upon our lands.

the revelation of greater plans...

i don't think i mentioned before about my disappointment in having rebutia cancelled.
no, this is not a complaint about that...so rest assured. when it was cancelled, it was just that many among us were trying to console each other, saying that there are hikmahs to the event not happening.

and i sit here today, contemplating those exact words.

23-27 december was the slated duration of the whole trip.
masya Allah, the things that happened in this time period.

first hikmah - sad one, but fortunately for me, turned out for the better. 23rd december, my grandmother was hospitalised for a high fever which did not subside. 25th december, my grandfather was hospitalised for high fever and shortness of breath. both my maternal grandparents were not doing very good, and were hospitalised two days apart from each other. alhamdulillah, they are recovering well now, and as of today, have been discharged. i dread to imagine if their conditions had not improved, and i was not around to be with them.

second hikmah - by His Grace and Mercy, i managed to personally meet with a shaykh of the Naqshbandi Sufi Order, Maulana Shaykh Md Hisham Kabbani. And while attending three days of lectures by him (26-28 decembar) and other eminent Islamic scholars, i met up with old friends, whom i dearly missed. if rebutia was about finding self-awareness and bonding with my friends, i guess He made it up for me by letting me go for a most enlightening lecture series accompanied by those i loved.

and a most intimate wish made since a decade past, has finally been answered.
All Glory be to Him, the Listener and Answerer, Most Subtle, Most High.

so despite my initial woes at not being able to leave the country on a vacation, i suppose that i have been taught a personal lesson in trust and tawakkal, and in the Divine Designs of Allah. and the pleasure of this lesson, and the experience that i have had these past three days, i guess only i can speak of it.

Reborn,
He who seeks the Way is given a compass,
The guiding light shines upon the Golden Path,
His chaotic heart finds tranquility,
In the gardens of Dhikr.

Ilahi anta maqsudi wa ridhaka matlubi, 'atini mahabbataka wa ma'rifataka.
Amin.

the shiny fiveheads 

zul baru lepas 

bdae babes

the mat and minah...haahaha...no lah. classic razak and yanni. 

pat mat tempe and mak petom 

shepherd pie maker ida 

kitsitra gathering 22 december 2004

hmm. i found it slightly weird that the above event was not mentioned in any of the blogs.
hmm. maybe i did not read about it or something.
hmm. maybe it is something so personally private, that it is only shared by the kitsitras.
hmm. maybe there is something i don't know.
hmm. maybe i hmm too much.
hmm.

but the gathering was simple and sweet.
good food, good company and love all around.

happy birthday to the birthday babies again.
and may the new year see all of us achieving greater heights.

pictures above.

who i am? really?

eXpressive: 7/10
Practical: 5/10
Physical: 4/10
Giver: 6/10


You are a XPIG--Expressive Practical Intellectual Giver. This makes you a Catch.

You are a magazine-cover, matinee idol dreamboat. Parents love you and want to set you up with their kids. However, first dates are tough because it takes time for your qualities to come out.

You are generous and kind. You think first and act later. You are cool in a conflict, but your practical side means if your partner throws out emotional appeals ("why can't we do what I want for a change?") they will grate on your nerves, even when the conflict is resolved.

You're a romantic. You enjoy the thrill of the hunt, and you don't just fall into bed with anyone. You pay close attention to your significant other's needs, and this makes you an excellent lover and partner. The problem is that your friends and lovers may find it so easy to express things to *you* that they lose sight of whether you feel as comfortable with *them*! This doesn't necessarily make you feel under-appreciated -- you're too well-adjusted and self-aware for that -- but you may feel restless. Thus you seek adventure in your life outside the relationship to prove and actualize yourself.

Of all the types, you would make the best parent.

You are coiffed.

Didja see "Big Fish"? 'Cause you're like Ewan MacGregor in "Big Fish."

Of the 169752 people who have taken this quiz, 9.3 % are this type.

kem kelana

kem kelana took place at masjid pertempatan melayu sembawang, just off sembawang park. this camp, like kemBARA was intended to impart basic skills of education, morals, and islamic values to kids who are at high risk of dropping out from school, due to familial, financial or other reasons.

some of my thoughts on the whole event.

i opted to become a station master, so that i will not be too burdened with the running of the camp. i have learnt that lesson before, and it was just a lot of work, something i was not ready to do. but on the second day, i was asked to be emcee, and i could not turn that down, for various reasons. after all, i had to help nonetheless, in all the ways that i could. though at the beginning i was rather shaky, i got the hang of it once more. and yes though i may have grumbled at having to undertake the position, i retract them. i am thankful that i was made the emcee, because it gave me the chance to work with the committee closer. and through the ups and downs of trying to get people to cooperate, and in decision-making, i guess i learnt new things, about people, about trying to organise events, and about working together. also, being emcee helped me get closer to the kids, which is part of the point of going to the camp in the first place. so there, all is well.

i busied myself as and when i could with the kids, talking to them, and playing with them. and got sufficiently bullied by the kids. hehehe. and somehow i am thankful that i got to do that. it sorta readied me to take on the next post, as facilitator. wakakkaka. anyone reading this?

a brother told me that he was not sure that everyone went home with something. i found it sad that these people could spend three days, and not learn. just kind of weird to me, how sometimes people are so blind to the lessons that are being taught to them through the events that happen around them. and how could they not even see what was being shared by the kids? it all returns to the original intention - what have you come to the camp to do? i guess it is this that makes anything and everything that was seemingly unpleasant to me, acceptable. i was doing it for the sake of Allah, and for the sake of the kids.

and the kids' hugs at the closing ceremony, and their tears, made it all worthwhile, all over again. sigh.

i did not cry as badly as the last camp. in fact i even managed to smile as i hugged the children. i guess i am better at controlling it now.

but the surety of longing for the kids is definitely there.
and the surety of longing for my friends, grows even more, the more i meet them.

Lord, love us all and bless us all with happiness and peace, and bring us ever closer in Your religion, Al-Islam. Amin.

iZar by Hammie

nice picture by a great multimedia artiste.
wakakkakakka.

2 words.

I LOIKE!

I'm no...

...superhero, no knight in shining armor, not a paragon of virtue nor a leader of men. I’ve most always been the bland one, the quiet one, the wallflower when spoken to; always looking for a modicum of acceptance in the social circle of whomever; never being too abrasive nor too submissive; always threading the fine line between great and less than zero.

I’ve not performed beautiful arias nor painted Mona Lisas, not built Great Walls nor won the Nobels. I’ve always been put in my place and thought that’s where I’ll always be; never reaching any heights of any particular greatness nor any depths of inner substance.

It’s been a long day, a rainy one even and all I wanted today was to be me. The simple one. The not so great one, maybe even the mediocre one. The one who didn’t have to be thought of as being a saviour of others nor the fount of eternal wisdom. The dispassionate one, the outside observer; the inert rock which lies on shifting ocean sands; the unemoting monster. If I cease to be me, am I the new self or just a reflection of the expectations of others? If I believe to be someone else for a long enough length of time, can I start believing a self-imposed personal illusion?

I wish you’d all have known who I truly am; but understand that I’d rather keep myself to myself when I felt like it; and you all, if you’d have stepped into my shoes would feel how maddening it can be to be misunderstood and yet feel an overwhelming relief of never having been known;

of being both exalted and a disappointment.

After a long day and a rainy evening, I’m no superhero, I just wanna be me.

- excerpt from Hammie's blog

afterthoughts.

quoted from shikin's blog, beautiful words indeed.

Time Tested Beauty Tips

"For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone...
People, even more than things,
have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed,
and redeemed and redeemed and redeemed.
Never throw out anybody.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands.
One for helping yourself, the other for helping others."

Sam Levenson

in a friend-zy

on an euphoric note,

i love my friends all so much.

*HUGS*

dedication

i dedicate this song, as a follow up to my previous entry.
may peace that is sought, be found.

If you, if you could return
Don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade
I’m sure I’m not being rude
But it’s just your attitude
It’s tearing me apart
It’s ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn’t be so confused
And I wouldn’t feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Linger - The Cranberries

and nobody knows why...

i had a conversation with a friend yesterday night, about how hurtful some people can be. especially whenever there are emotional strings attached. to me, having heard this happen so many times, begs these questions: why do some people refuse to admit or see things the way it truly is? why are they scared to face up to reality, to the consequences of their actions? does it please them to cause pain, and grief, and suffering to other people, people who thought there could be something special between them? isn't it plain obvious that actions are interpreted, and if you don't want them to be interpreted the way you don't want it to, then 1)don't do it, or 2)set things straight and stop leading people on!! it is becoming a very unfortunate trend nowadays, and worse, it is creeping into characters, and making those who show it, very disgusting to behold.

the disappointment and pain, knowing that you have been led on, and played with, sucks big time. and believe me when i say, what goes around comes around. if you care for your heart, care for others' too please.

because the sad truth is, we still love despite what happens. we cannot bring ourselves to hate. and the sheer effort of trying to reconcile these two extremes of loving and suffering at the same time, can be a lot - too much - to bear.

teething problems

not in the metaphorical sense, y'all.

i am really having teething problems.

my wisdom teeth are breaching the gumline, and that is causing me enough discomfort to just sink my teeth into anything that walks past me. its super super super irritating, not to mention painful. i am sure there are many out there who can empathise with me.

i almost wanted to cut my gums and do a self extraction yesterday...but then i will faint from loss of blood and pain, so decided against it.

but i think i would be going to the hospital, once i get the referral from the dentist.

whee.

stupid teeth.

back to me, with love too i hope

Just read ur blog, couldn't find better words to match yours but this song came to my mind and it says what i need to say, so im sending it to you as a reply. Forgive the unoriginality though, :)

Thank You For Loving Me
by Bon Jovi

It´s hard for me to say the things
I want to say sometimes
There´s no one here but you and me
And that broken old street light
Lock the doors
We´ll leave the world outside
All I´ve got to give to you
Are these five words when I

Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn´t see
For parting my lips
When I couldn´t breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

I never knew I had a dream
Until that dream was you
When I look into your eyes
The sky´s a different blue
Cross my heart
I wear no disguise
If I tried, you´d make believe
That you believed my lies

Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn´t see
For parting my lips
When I couldn´t breathe
Thank you for loving me

You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me

Lock the doors
We´ll leave the world outside
All I´ve got to give to you
Are these five words when I

Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn´t see
You parted my lips
When I couldn´t breathe
Thank you for loving me

When I couldn´t fly
Oh, you gave me wings
You parted my lips
When I couldn´t breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me
Oh, for loving me

i do not love you - pablo neruda

wonderful words quoted from dear farida's blog.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers

Thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep

i can read this and cry over and over and over and over and over again.

to you, with love

the past few weeks have been truly great, because i got to spend time with you. time which otherwise would have been spent either studying for some test, or planning for some event. no, i am not saying that you have taken me away from what i should be doing, but that you were a much needed respite from my schedule.

i needed that time, to lose myself in myself, to reconnect with what i may have lost. and i needed that time, to see that it is all fine the way things are, or whether i needed to do anything about anything. i am happy to see that things are going well, and very very relieved indeed.

i worry sometimes about neglecting and forgetting the things that matter. i fear losing these things that matter. but i sometimes find myself at a loss, being inadequately resourced in time, effort and empathy. sometimes i wish there were more of me, so that all that is expected of me, can be fulfilled.

but you, in kindness, accept me for all my flaws and unbecomings. in fact, you strive to see that i am not burdened and that i never feel inadequate. you allow me to lord you over, you simply refuse to disagree. like the willow that bends in the storm, but never falling over, you silently stand your ground in the face of my tempestuous nature. you should know, that in the end, the silent dripping of the rain on the mountain, wears it down. and that the water prevails.

that, is you.

as how rain earns the respect of the mountains, you have earned my love, my trust and my faith. and a privilege that none other has ever. a privilege only fit for one.
and while you are in complete knowledge of this privilege, you never abuse it, though many a time you could have, simply.

and that only increases the power of that privilege.

i am clear enough to the forces that move you and me. and i am eternally grateful to have been given you to love and cherish. i understand your desire to be and yet to refrain, i understand your needs and your fears, and i appreciate the mercy with which you handle your affairs with me, ensuring that i do not get hurt.

i have learnt many things, thanks to you.

my love, i do not wish to impose anything more upon you. and i wish to repay the kindness that you have shown. what is unsaid, is spoken very evidently to me, as you know. and i know.

let us not deny what moves us. but let us know, that i am always there. in my happiness, in my grief, in my anxiety, in my anger, in my apathy - i always will be there whether you ask it of me or not.

sing your own song, dearheart, and i will sing the harmony.
dance your own moves, dearheart, and i will be the beat.

and when you wish solitude, love, it will be given, no questions asked.

i believe in the sanctity and strength of what we have.
and i will never tire saying this.

i love you true.

coming up

17-20 december: camp kelana with ntums
24-26 december: rebutia with ntums for experience to rebuild nypms

along that, send in scholarship application.

got chingay to dance for, insya Allah.
got to do up board in school.
got to work with student committee for SAOT.
debates?
PAL, definitely.

busy? i just want the time to breathe.

rita's house visit

the honour that rita gives to us is truly appreciated and we love her back just as strong...for that i quote her blog, and below is the entirety of the entry that was written...

Hanging Out With FAMILY

It is always nice to have friends coming over just to hang out, watch VCDs and eat. It connects friendships at a different level, away from the coldness of restaurants and the public.

Whenever Nizar and Taufiq are over at my place, it always warms my heart to see how at ease they are with my family - lying on the sofas, singing and laughing their hearts out. Zul's presence today added joy to the company. Plus, his miraculous cure to my spinning head (by rubbing some vein between my fingers) really left me impressed. Perhaps this is how he remains so charming with girls. :)

Oooooh my little brothers. Just can't get enough of them! *squeeze their cheeks*

it is always nice to be on the receiving end of wonderful hospitality, exceptional cooking, and of course, beloved company...

rita's house 

ri boys jalan raya 

mock camp kelana at sembawang park 

freeway riding... 

london di woodlon 

NTUMS jalan raya 

kitsitra beraya bersama and ratna 

end of raya notes

wow.

i remembered four weeks ago, when the whole hullabaloo started about raya.
syawal began with on a bad note, but fortunately progressed on with getting better and better. and there were of course many things that i participated in, many events that i attended, many houses that i visited.

today officially marks the end of raya celebrations for me, and a very very exhausted me indeed. but i am not complaining.

these weeks have seen me at the peak of my mood, and smiling most of the time.
meeting up with my friends, had a unspoken, inexpressible pleasure. jelira kemanisan hanya dapat dirasakan di lubuk hati, as how they would say it in malay.

my involvement in activities in and out of school, with and without my friends, have left me pretty much sated, and fulfilled for the holidays. i kind of feel refreshed and ready to go back to school - something which i never thought would actually happen.

i know i promised to update on the different outings that i went to, but as it is, time will not allow me to blab on and on. furthermore, a picture speaks a thousand words. so i will post some pictures instead, that capture, among others, the familial ties, the fun, the joy and the pure bliss of simply being among loved ones.

venatoris raya outing

will update this soon.
with pictures.

but just want to say, it was nice seeing people whom i have missed for a long long time.

starstruck

ok. all the bad things i ever said about sylvester, i take back.

errm, i saw them on my way home from orchard that day. them being sly and taufik.
congrats to taufik for winning the singapore idol competition deservingly.

and congrats to sly for a valiant effort.

i saw them walking towards me, and i was dumbfounded. hahaha...
sly smiled at us, and i managed a feeble, "hi" and wave.
and taufik waved back and said hi.

these people are not pretentious at all. absolutely down to earth.
and for that, they get my respect.

step one: get good grades. on to step two...

my exam results were sms-ed to me in the morning.
and alhamdulillah, i am happy to report that i have gotten grades which are more than satisfactory.

it heartens me to prove to myself that i am able to perform well for academia.
and it has given me the motivation to carry on performing.

now, with these results, i intend to apply for the singhealth or nhg sponsorship for healthcare professionals. insya Allah.

story of a fickle fever

it began one night, when the rain fell most heavily. but i for one, never feared the rain. afterall, the coolness only made the night more comfortable to sleep in. as i prepared to tuck myself in for the night, i wondered, how nice it would be, if every night were as wet and cool.

as i drifted away into unconsciousness, i began to feel warm - uncomfortable and insipidous. my plan for a restful sleep became fitful. i saw weird visions, strange happenings. i was confused and very disoriented - until i woke up. looking at the clock, i realised that i had barely slept for two hours. and my body was burning up. i tried to force myself back to sleep - only to awaken at irregular intervals of minutes.

i could not take it anymore. i dragged myself up, literally. my limbs were like concrete slabs weighing me down. every motion was painful and torturous. into the kitchen i went, looking for some form of relief. panadol, water - whichever came first. i did not realise that my throat was parched until swallowing became a chore.
downing a glass of water, i trudged back into my room.

as i lay down, i could feel the panadol taking effect. little beads of perspiration formed on my forehead - a sign of the fever breaking. i thought to myself, everything is going to be just fine. its just a passing fever. as i fell back to sleep, little did i know how wrong i was.

when i woke up the next morning, the fever was back, in full force. taking my temperature, i found it to be 38.6 degrees. i was shocked by the intensity of the fever. my pulse was a rapid 120 beats per minute. i told my mother, who told me to take febricol, a stronger cousin of panadol, and rest. if it does not subside, then i would be off to the doctor's. well, wonder of wonders, the medication worked, for the while. the fever broke again. my mother made me take two more tablets in the course of the day, to ensure that the fever was really gone. we both thought the fever was gone.

i felt fine enough to go out the day after. but during the outing, my systems started to act up again. all holes were leaking, to be crude. and the fever came back. it was very unpleasant and inconvenient. i managed to hold on till the end, and reached home intact.

however, i broke at home.

that night, i did not sleep at all, because of the sheer pain and discomfort that the fever was giving me. every sleeping position was a different bed of nails. every breath was like having my lungs tugged at. i did not know whether to feel cold or hot. my body was warring with itself. i made my way to the bathroom, and doused myself. it was a wonder that i remained conscious throughout the whole ordeal. i believed myself to be capable of passing out anytime.

the rest of the night passed with no improvement to my condition.

and so i decided, like it or not, to the doctor's i must go.

but guess what fickle fever decided to do? when i reached the clinic, the fever subsided, and my temperature was normal. when the doctor examined me, she found no evidence of the fever. boy was i pissed. its like the fever conveniently decided to leave, just as i decided to get treatment.

fickle fever.

but thanks to all those who wished me well. i should be getting better soon. i hope. got a lot of jalan raya planned. :)

hot or cold?

38.4 degrees. and holding.
am going to see the doctor tomorrow if this soes not subside.
my temperature rarely goes beyond 38 degrees.

it is scaring me.

macam dah takdir

just when my mood to celebrate was healed, just when everything seemed to be going a-ok...just when i was raring to go...

fever.

i am sick now.

heavy head, heavy limbs (not due to my natural size ok), raised body temperature, sleepless nights, bitter medication, loss of appetite, weird visions... the works.

bingit ah cam gini.

urgh.

by the ways...

just an announcement for those who read my blog...

EVENT: "BRANCHING OUT", the 3rd RAFFLESIAN HARI RAYA GATHERING
VENUE: RAFFLES HOTEL BALLROOM
DATE: 12 DECEMBER 2004, 1.30pm - 4.30pm
COST: $35 for students in RI, RGS, RJC, $55 for the rest

***KITSITRA***
errm, i know nura cannot perform on that day, but would the rest of you like to put up a performance? a medley of sorts... we need razak and/or azfar and/or zul to play the guitars...and the rest to recite or sing...

murshidah has agreed to perform a deklamasi with musical accompaniment
me and ratna will be singing a medley

anything more you guys want to contribute?

get back to me yah?

enam tabib

enam tabib datang mengubat
hati sedih sakit melarat
dibaca, ditiup, dihembuskan ayat
hati melarat menjadi sihat

enam tabib pangkatnya sahabat
enam tabib bagaikan kerabat
ayat penawar kekata hikmat
pelembut pejal dendam tersirat

*pffft*

ok the past entries may seem morose.
that's just me being a brat.

nobody worry about me ok?

"the only thing constant in life is change..."

i was going through a phase. still am.
but will get through it anyways.

enough said.

be well all, NUS peeps - good luck. NTU peeps - well done.

what's there left to celebrate?

i remember not too long ago having a chat with one of my friends.
and she said something about never actually having celebrated raya.
she never felt the spirit of raya.

and in my heart, i was thinking, "how sad for her..."

but this year, with all the things happening, i find myself in her same shoes. well perhaps not that i am really in her same situation, but the feeling, that there is nothing worth celebrating, resonates true inside me.

putih hati, kata orang.

tahun ini, raya pertama berhamburan.
raya bersama teman tidak dihiraukan.
semangat persaudaraan, bagaikan kian pudar dan hilang dari ingatan.
hilang erti beraya jika tiada makna yang mampu ku aqadkan kepada sambutan.

for all that it is worth, i shall grant reasonable doubt to whatever it is.
but the one thing that i had actually looked forward to, i shall now despise.

i will visit who i want, when i want. and those whom i make an effort to visit, will know that they matter more to me.

those whom i deign not even be courteous to, then serves you right.

tantrum?

no.

broken.

egocentrism

i know its kinda late for this.
but yah, selamat menyambut bulan syawal to all (not hari raya cos that day is past...)

just an entry to commemorate that fateful day then.

in psychology, Piaget suggested that humans develop in stages. at age 2-7, they are at the "preoperational stage", which is characterised by symbolic activity or play, but to a very great degree, egocentrism. egocentrism is defined as the inability to perceive objects or situations from another person's perspective. therefore, the child at such a stage is usually observed to be self-biased i.e. self-centred.

note the age range.

it is kind of peculiar, how individuals at a supposed age range beyond that, can regress to that stage - a stage which they have purported passed a long, long time ago.

many times, we experience situations which arise from this basic problem - an egocentric antagonist. and the final conclusion we draw from the incident - people should learn to see things from another's perspective, and that one's actions may have consequences on other people. but the question that begs to be answered is, how many of us actually make a conscious effort to be less egocentric after the incident?

sometimes, we just say the things that we say, to end the incident. but then we continue harbouring the thoughts and emotions - that we are right, that the other party is wrong, that everyone but yourself is being unreasonable, and that there is therefore no other way out, but your way.

i admit that at this time, i am feeling exactly that.

something happened on the morning of raya, an event that was utterly unexpected, and rather uncalled for from my point of view. to blame just one person for the affair would be very unfair. to put it nicely, yes, somehow, someway, all were at fault for being caught up in their own worlds.

but i blame another person totally for it. and i still believe that the ultimate fault lies with him. it all precipitated and accumulated because of how selfish, how stubborn, how immature and how blind he is towards the whole state of affairs, and how everyone has suffered because of him.

and i hate the way he simply pretends that nothing has happened, and that everything is fine. bullshit. he is really undeserving of the things that he has gotten, in my eyes. accuse me of egocentrism now. i dun give a damn. frankly i have a feeling that nothing was achieved by that incident, that it all came to naught, whatever we tried to talk about.

if it were me, i would have chased him out a long time ago. impulsive? come experience it for yourself first, then judge me.

whatever it is, the bitter aftertaste of the whole event remains even to this day.
all i remember, is going to my room, and just collapsing to the floor, crying and lamenting. that's egocentrism for you. i had no other thing in my mind, except how i felt and what i thought.

i really did not want to celebrate raya. the whole mood was gone and destroyed.

wait, that's wrong.

the whole mood is gone and destroyed.

ilal liqa', ya syahrul karim

i thank You for the gift of ramadhan, and the gift of lailatul qadr.
i thank You for the gift of fasting, and the gift of life.
i thank You for the gift of thought, and the gift of reflection.
i thank You for the gift of Islam, and Iman, and Ihsan.
i thank You for the gift of Your Beloved.

alhamdulillahi rabbil 'alamin, 'ala kulli haalin wan na'im.
wa ilal liqa', insya Allah, ya syahrul karim.

gone too soon...ramadhan in retrospect

Like a comet, blazing 'cross the evening sky...gone too soon
Like a rainbow, fading in the twinkling of an eye...gone too soon

Shiny and sparkly and splendidly bright
Here one day, gone one night

Like the loss of sunlight on a cloudy afternoon...gone too soon

Like a castle built upon a sandy beach...gone too soon
Like a perfect flower that is just beyond your reach...gone too soon

Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight
Here one day, gone one night

Like a sunset dying with the rising of the moon...gone too soon

Gone Too Soon - Michael Jackson

indeed, ramadhan has come, and gone.
leaving us wondering if we will meet again.

at the friday sermon earlier, the khatib brought up the matter of evaluating our ramadhan. so here i am, on the last night, in muhasabah.

i remember at the advent of the holy month, many of my friends were very eager, and very spirited in facing the trials of fasting and abstinence. we made our determined avowals that ramadhan this year would be different, and a definite improvement from ramadhans in the past. we would endeavour towards ibadah, and towards unveiling ramadhan in a new light.

insya Allah, i pray that we have somewhat managed to achieve that, if not all that we had wished for, then at least in whatever miniscule amount that we could.

i cannot help but feel that there could have been something more done. that i could have been more determined. that i could have exercised more control in some of my actions. that i could have done things a different way.

that i could have been a better son, a better brother, a better friend, a better muslim - a better person.

despite all that i tried, i find myself faltering in my interactions with my family. my attitude towards my family still has a lot that needs working upon. my parents, my sister and my brothers could have gotten better from me. they should have gotten better from me. yet i find some things just really hard to control and change. and these things would someday define me as a person.

despite all that i tried, i find myself faltering in my interactions with my friends.
i lose myself in them, and yet it is among them that i should practice more restraint. i forget who i am, and what i am. and i will inadvertently hurt myself.

despite all that i tried, i find myself faltering in my submission to Him. what i know, i do not act upon. what i should act upon, i take lightly. and what i take lightly, does not prove the determination that i had so spiritedly spoke of in the beginning.

has this ramadhan changed me? or have i simply changed what ramadhan means to me?

every year, ramadhan is supposed to improve one's being, physically and spiritually. it is not about a mere abstinence from food or drinks to prove one's devotion or that one is a muslim. it is supposed to be appreciated on many different levels. the cleansing of the body, is to be accompanied with a cleansing of the mind, a cleansing of unacceptable character traits, a cleansing of the spirit. it readies one to face his Lord, for it is at this month, where mercies from Master to servant are boundless, that one can aspire to achieve makrifatullah with ease. it is why this month is the month of the ummah, for it is the time when the ummah is elevated beyond other times. it is why the fast is so special, because it can only be for God, and no one else. it is why at the peak of the month, the Night of Power, one can receive more blessings than one can ever achieve in a lifetime.

ramadhan, ramadhan.

i am unfortunate that i have perhaps left this month, with nothing more than a broken heart. knowing my flaws and yet not being able to change them in time. yet i am hopeful, that by His Grace, i will be able to change. insya Allah.

Lord, we are tested with many trials. these tribulations that You ordained upon us - our family, our friends, our roles and responsibilities, and our lives - we ask that You show mercy and kindness. You do not burden a soul with more than it can bear, but little do we perceive it. therefore, we ask of you, our Lord, to grant us the strength that we would need to face our obstacles, and avail us to a blissful end. by the glory of this holy month that You gift upon us, by the Mercy that You shower upon Your servants in the days and nights, by the passing of the holy month on this last night, we ask of you, oh Listener and Knower of All. bless us, and forgive us our transgressions, oh Forgiver and Most Merciful.

Amin.

by the way...

if the bottom entry kind of makes me appear like, shallow and superficial, so be it.

got better things to think about.

sorry...not my cuppa...

a friend of mine brought up a very salient point about me.

and its a truth.

politics is not my forte. in fact it is one of the things that i have absolutely no sense for. what is the phrase used to describe it? political apathy, yes.

so eunice olsen is NMP. good for her. big deal to me.

it is not as if she is incapable or anything. proof of that will come in her term of service. whether she's good or not will depend on the results of her work. and by that argument, who are we to judge anyone at first glance whether he or she should be NMP? and what's there to say about the level of politics in the country? "What is happening to Parliament?" Come on, surely we are more matured than that.

if anything at all, it goes to show that the government is trying to improve itself, adding fresh perspectives and new blood into the leadership of the nation. i am sure that there were and will be systems of checkbacks to ensure the capabilties and suitability of the candidates for the position. if i could further add, kudos to the government for being willing to be unconventional and expand the opportunities of leadership to younger and less jaded minds.

you see, it is not political apathy. rather, it is just a vote of confidence in the actions of the government and the direction we are heading.

but my opinions are my own.
my two cents' worth of political diatribe is above-written.

still not my cuppa tho'.

muslims around the world.

yasser arafat passed away today. of what ailment, only God knows. but ihda fatihah for him. may his deeds be accepted for what they are worth, and may God accept him in kindness and mercy, by the grace of this month.

the conflict between palestine and israel is still not resolved, despite forty years of him trying. may He show mercy and pass relief over the people of Palestine soon.

iraq is still being bombarded despite being liberated. i really cannot think of what they are trying to prove. its the month of ramadhan for crying out loud, can't they show some respect? for every deed, there is its just reward. verily, He is Wise and Just.

singapore was shaken by a story of a man who tried to rob a bank. i just read that the man is a chinese muallaf, with a wife and four kids. what drove him to do it, only God knows. he got shot in the head and shoulder, but survived the shots and is being treated in hospital now. masya Allah.

just posting this, for the sake of remembrance, and contemplation.

dasar pemalas

as i was wrote in my previous entry, i was of course springcleaning.
and the object of my attention was my quaint little room, which i have to dive around and about to just get some things out.

as my mom would complain (and as the majority of you can guess from the date difference - the whole time of which i was TRYING to springclean), i took forever.
and i decided that i really needed to pick up the pace.

and i believe so did Fate.

so as i woke up, i looked about my room, and thought, let's finish this up today.

so i reached for my shelves-structure-thing, and tried to shift the whole contraption, without first unloading the shelves, which were of course laden with all my trophies (yes i win stuff), my toiletries, my magazines, my objects of interests, my academia, and my personal memories. real heavy stuff when you put it all together on a flimsy excuse for shelves.

pull the shelves.

*CREAK*

what was that noise? can't see anything wrong. continue pulling.

*CREEEEAAAK*

what the *peep* was that? still cannot see anything wrong. pull some more.

*CRRREEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAK, KEBOOOOOOOOSSHHHH!*

mm-hmm, flimsy excuse gave up on me, and crashed to the floor, splewing all my barang-barang all over the room.

i was super-stunned.

and then it crossed my mind, i had wanted to get myself a brand new cupboard, big and strong, so that i could put all my stuff nicely inside. so my flimsy excuse giving up was good in a way.

then i thought again, no no no. this was just His way of telling me, get off your butt and clean up!! my room was a total wreck. and clean up i had to do, like it or not. it was a just reminder. hahahah.

but now that my room is cleaned out, i actually put back flimsy excuse together, and it is standing just as it had for the past year. hmmm. i threw out some stuff (no azfar you dun need boxes so i threw them away) and got rid of some un-necessities, so flimsy excuse won't be so flimsy.

and my springcleaning is done.

curtains up! and we're off!!

"start with the left bottom corner..."

springcleaning.

what a headache.

i have a small room to my own, which has a lot of stuff that i keep and need (i dont really know to which end i prioritise). as it is with the festivities, i need to clear it out or at least make some sense of the ordered chaos that has prevailed in the past year (it's always from raya to raya).

the problem with a small room is that: it is small.

and yes, while some people may complain and tell me to be thankful that i have a room because some other people dont even have shelter over their heads (well that is going a bit too far, lets just keep it at not having their own rooms), i have to make a point that with a small room, there is really not enough space.

i need to do up my room, and refurbish.
there is not enough storage areas for all my barang-barang.
which was part of the reason why my stuff is strewn all over the floor (the other being laziness and pure laziness to order my items), and the main reason why i really havent been having people over as often as i used to.

well, so i tried to clean it out just now, and try a new room layout (there are only so many i can try). in relocating my barang2 from one corner to the other corner, i suddenly found myself trapped.

i couldnt move out of the corner i was in.
hahaha.

so much for cleaning out.

so i had a mini adventure traversing through my barang2, all in the space of my room. woo hoo.

its now partially settled. i have my computer desk. and two big piles of stuff yet to be ordered.

NEXT CORNER!!

*breathe, and dive*

ihsan

a friend wrote about ihsan, and how she felt that she was not doing a very good job of it because her hamsters are sick and she can't do anything about it.

some things cannot be controlled, as how i commented.

but just now, as i was on my way home, i came across two cats. two creatures of God who are just trying to survive this world where they are at a disadvantage as compared to us human beings. i called to them, and they came to me.

one was limping very badly.

i looked at the one limping, and saw that some mindless fool had twisted the right front paw of the poor creature a full 180 degrees. the cat will never be able to move properly again.

that limb was swollen and i could see that the paw was going to be trouble.

ihsan.

where was the kindness and compassion for fellow creatures of God? what was the person who cruelly twisted the poor cat's limb thinking when he did it? i really fail to understand their drive and motivation...what? power and might over another lesser creature?

fools!

bagi mereka yang dianiaya dan tidak mempunyai suara untuk melawan, semoga Allah memberi balasan yang setimpal. dan bagi mereka yang menganiaya, sesungguhnya azab yang menanti amat pedih. dan Allah Maha Mengetahui segalanya...

subhanallah.

excessive behaviour

err...and umm...
i bought 2 baju raya. tak snonoh.
nizar ni memang impulsive.

yipppppeeeeeee

wow

*blink blink*

it's finally over.

EXAMS ARE OVER!!

i wrote my last examinable sentence at 10.29am yesterday morning, but the realisation did not sink in till about 5.00pm. talk about slow.

well, now i am free from my academic burden for the moment, just waiting for favourable results due to be out on 25 nov. i am not going to think too much about it. just let whatever happen, happen,

now its time to focus on the last 10 days of ramadhan, and make up for lost time as best as i can.

to my dear friends whose exams are currently underway (NTU) and coming soon (NUS), i wish you all the best. In your stressful states, do not forget to smile and pray for guidance and peace. I will pray for you all as well...

aishah is the one in red tudung. baru baik dari dengue...semua doakan kepulihan dia! she bloghopped to me blog...so welcome! 

take a break.

just some questions that i received in my email. courtesy of de-stressing peers. so i hope it helps you just the same, unless you are a some psychotic must-have-answers-to-all-questions person, then i will beg you not to even go beyond this line.

else, smile peeps.

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
window?