sigh, a little scare there for me with regards to my application to NYP...the medical checkup had a little hitch which left me 1)distressed unnecessarily, 2)almost suing the examining doctor for causing me the unnecessary distress, 3)surfing the net for management of hypertensive patients, 4)knowing more about hypertension and 5)taking drugs. just a small issue with regards to the definition of uncontrolled hypertension and i was set rolling on all the above...
but one fateful check up, a high pressure reading, a second opinion, some propranolol, lots of starfruit, bittergourd, celery and plain water, and a second successful reading... and i am now on my way to completing the forms, readying them for submission early tomorrow. yay.
30th june is kilirjati. and we still got some way to go before the characterisation of the dance is complete. i am kinda spiffed out...what not with awallah dondang training and work in the way. and i so need to go back to foc as well. so work is finally coming to an end by next tuesday, wednesday is the dance performance and after that, insya Allah, we are homebound my NTU brothers and sisters.
awallah dondang is also coming along fine, miss the group more than i thought, and we have a name now...KITSITRA...cool aye?
friends are in and out of trouble and distress themselves, i pray for their peace and happiness despite all that happens. and that at the end of the day, everything will turn out for the better hopefully. just have faith and strength. and remember, if i am not around, you can always turn to Him.
finally things are falling in place.
endings and beginnings.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Friday, June 18, 2004
addition to kembara
after my closing supplementations, i was crying like a babe. and someone totally unexpected came up to me to hold me, and i was very moved by that action. and i will forever remember that he came up to me to comfort me, when no one else thought they could. and it felt good holding a dear friend and being held, after so long.
i dedicate this entry to that someone, who showed that indeed he was made of a different quality than other people, and that indeed he deserved to be as loved as he is.
for that day, i am indebted for life.
zul, blessed be.
i dedicate this entry to that someone, who showed that indeed he was made of a different quality than other people, and that indeed he deserved to be as loved as he is.
for that day, i am indebted for life.
zul, blessed be.
forgiven
and on the night of my birthday, i wrote in to tell you about azfar, someone who took four months to apologise to me.
but it was well worth the wait.
that night, i was gifted with most wonderful words, and a torrent of emotions i never expected to come from him. and however torn my heart was, it is now healed and stronger than ever. and insya Allah, things will take a turn for the better from now onwards.
just a word of advice to all, when you think you should apologise, please do not let your ego stand in the way. and really think of the worst thing that could happen if you did not apologise and then be motivated by it. we are all just human.
and we need each other.
more than we think we do.
but it was well worth the wait.
that night, i was gifted with most wonderful words, and a torrent of emotions i never expected to come from him. and however torn my heart was, it is now healed and stronger than ever. and insya Allah, things will take a turn for the better from now onwards.
just a word of advice to all, when you think you should apologise, please do not let your ego stand in the way. and really think of the worst thing that could happen if you did not apologise and then be motivated by it. we are all just human.
and we need each other.
more than we think we do.
the wonders of His Will
for those who have been reading my blog tag-board, and has no idea, this is what it is all about. and the entry is belated by about 2 days.
alhamdulillah, i have successfully gotten myself into the occupational therapy course in nanyang polytechnic, a course which really really calls to my multi-faceted nature [ :) ] as a social creature, someone who is interested in the health and medical industry and someone who wants to help people. alhamdulillah, my prayers were answered, and not without the augmentary prayers of my dearest family and friends, who undyingly gave their support, despite the possible circumstances of my departure.
for understanding and empathising with me, and for standing by me through it all, my deepest gratitude. and most of all, may we all achieve our desired successes in all our efforts, and may we obtain His Pleasure in everything that we do. Alhamdulillah.
and it could not come at a better time either.
on 16 june, i was supposed to register for my subjects in civil engineering. and i was totally at a loss as to what i was supposed to do. working and without internet access at the warehouse, i did not want to call up any of my friends to do the registering for me. but as i was contemplating it, my mother gave me a call to tell me the good news. alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.
so i did not need to register for my subjects after all. insya Allah, all will be well.
and when i went home to check the letter, it was dated 15 june 2004. coincidence, or gift? you decide.
alhamdulillah, i have successfully gotten myself into the occupational therapy course in nanyang polytechnic, a course which really really calls to my multi-faceted nature [ :) ] as a social creature, someone who is interested in the health and medical industry and someone who wants to help people. alhamdulillah, my prayers were answered, and not without the augmentary prayers of my dearest family and friends, who undyingly gave their support, despite the possible circumstances of my departure.
for understanding and empathising with me, and for standing by me through it all, my deepest gratitude. and most of all, may we all achieve our desired successes in all our efforts, and may we obtain His Pleasure in everything that we do. Alhamdulillah.
and it could not come at a better time either.
on 16 june, i was supposed to register for my subjects in civil engineering. and i was totally at a loss as to what i was supposed to do. working and without internet access at the warehouse, i did not want to call up any of my friends to do the registering for me. but as i was contemplating it, my mother gave me a call to tell me the good news. alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.
so i did not need to register for my subjects after all. insya Allah, all will be well.
and when i went home to check the letter, it was dated 15 june 2004. coincidence, or gift? you decide.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
on this fateful day...
though no words would be enough to heal the pains i have caused you, please believe me when i say that my only wish is for peace between us. i apologise with all my heart for all the wrongs that i have done to you, and apologise for not being strong enough to overcome my limitations. i hope that life has been kinder to you and that you find peace in my absence. best wishes on your 22nd birthday. sincerely, azfar.
it took him about four months to apologise.
and had to do it on my birthday.
it took him about four months to apologise.
and had to do it on my birthday.
KemBARA '04
i am still reeling from the overwhelming emotions brought about by the camp. the friends, the late nights, the scrambles and most importantly, the kids. you never expected that you would become so attached over just a period of 3 days, would you? but we did, and in fact, i feel that everyone, regardless of appointment, did.
when the kids first came, they were rowdy and loud (not to say that that was bad...) but at some points in time, they were really becoming unbearable because of their over-active and boisterous natures. some facilitators were very close to giving up, and some lost their voices but fortunately, all never lost their drive to keep on trying. the activities that were held did not only test our patience as elders, but also our tenacity as a group and our physical endurance. the kids were not easy to manage, many being very mischievous. and this was of course made worse by the fact that some kids could not get along with each other, in a typical kid's sense - small trivialities and disagreements. and we had to defuse the conflicts many a times to prevent anyone from getting hurt.
the first day, i shall honestly say, was horrendous.
the second day, however, was truly pleasurable.
and the third day, absolutely heart-wrenching.
it was all about getting to know the kids better, and understanding their psyche, and at the very least, getting through to them on some levels. and how i tried, with varying success.
for me, the first high point came on the first day when the kids started calling me "big boss". for me it showed a certain sense of acceptance and identity from the kids to me, and at least it showed the much-hoped for appreciation for my efforts in getting to know them.
the second day, at east coast park, i was imam for zuhur prayers. before we prayed, rahimin came forward and asked me questions on being an imam and the prayers. that was the second time, i felt that we were achieving something in the camp. then after prayers, i announced a tag that was found and wanted the owner to come forward. the owner was rahimin. the faci who found the tag sort of gave rahimin a scolding, which rahimin did not take very kindly to, and he began to cry. i tried to placate him but when my efforts did not get through, i started to break down together with the kid.
that was when i had a first taste of how the facis truly felt trying to handle difficult kids. but when other people took over, they merely comforted him with an ice-cream, and he was all better. sigh, talk about understanding kids. and he forgot the whole incident by the time he reached the camp site from east coast park. while he could have forgotten easily, adults like me don't. i will just take it as a good lesson learnt.
the third day, the kids were really less rowdy and there was a marked improvement in terms of the kids' cooperation and general behaviour. and that was the day when we could actually see how much respect they had for their elders and how much they did not really mean to behave the way they did.
abu choreographed a dramatic beginning to the day's activity. he kicked a dustbin and scolded the facis in front of the kids, which got the kids really shocked. the funny thing was, when he was giving instructions to the facis, the kids immediately reacted to the instructions without the facis needing to tell them. that, to me, was truly reflective of how they did not want to get anyone into trouble and how young they really were. the game that followed required them to rescue a faci from their group who was kidnapped. and they actually cried out for their facis whole-heartedly. it was very touching and most moving to see them beg for the release of their facis.
then later on in the day, to complete the whole activity, abu had another pretense. he called four kids up to the front, stating discipline as the problem. the kids were really not ready for what was to come. then when the kids were already standing in the front, the adults came in with... 4 birthday treats, singing "Allah selamatkan kamu". and the kids in front cried. and i could not help myself either. i cried too while comforting them.
hafiedzul had another reflections session on the kids' appreciation of their parents. that was truly difficult to sit through, especially when you had to comfort the kids who were tearing silently. it was a moving experience, especially when you know the kids come from broken backgrounds and they were here for that love which was missing in their lives. and that behind the facades of toughness and rebelliousness, they were all still children with sensitive hearts and a most emotional nature.
and before the kids left, i had a closing du'a ceremony. i cried openly there, and so did many of those who were in the room with me. the kids hugged their facis after that, and left me a torrent of tears.
just before they boarded the bus, i went around and salamed the boys. and i prayed for their keep in God's hands. and may they be well always. i waved to them in the bus and blew kisses and my eyes became watery again. sigh.
i never expected this. never.
and even as i write this now, i am tearing.
but i will do it all over again.
when the kids first came, they were rowdy and loud (not to say that that was bad...) but at some points in time, they were really becoming unbearable because of their over-active and boisterous natures. some facilitators were very close to giving up, and some lost their voices but fortunately, all never lost their drive to keep on trying. the activities that were held did not only test our patience as elders, but also our tenacity as a group and our physical endurance. the kids were not easy to manage, many being very mischievous. and this was of course made worse by the fact that some kids could not get along with each other, in a typical kid's sense - small trivialities and disagreements. and we had to defuse the conflicts many a times to prevent anyone from getting hurt.
the first day, i shall honestly say, was horrendous.
the second day, however, was truly pleasurable.
and the third day, absolutely heart-wrenching.
it was all about getting to know the kids better, and understanding their psyche, and at the very least, getting through to them on some levels. and how i tried, with varying success.
for me, the first high point came on the first day when the kids started calling me "big boss". for me it showed a certain sense of acceptance and identity from the kids to me, and at least it showed the much-hoped for appreciation for my efforts in getting to know them.
the second day, at east coast park, i was imam for zuhur prayers. before we prayed, rahimin came forward and asked me questions on being an imam and the prayers. that was the second time, i felt that we were achieving something in the camp. then after prayers, i announced a tag that was found and wanted the owner to come forward. the owner was rahimin. the faci who found the tag sort of gave rahimin a scolding, which rahimin did not take very kindly to, and he began to cry. i tried to placate him but when my efforts did not get through, i started to break down together with the kid.
that was when i had a first taste of how the facis truly felt trying to handle difficult kids. but when other people took over, they merely comforted him with an ice-cream, and he was all better. sigh, talk about understanding kids. and he forgot the whole incident by the time he reached the camp site from east coast park. while he could have forgotten easily, adults like me don't. i will just take it as a good lesson learnt.
the third day, the kids were really less rowdy and there was a marked improvement in terms of the kids' cooperation and general behaviour. and that was the day when we could actually see how much respect they had for their elders and how much they did not really mean to behave the way they did.
abu choreographed a dramatic beginning to the day's activity. he kicked a dustbin and scolded the facis in front of the kids, which got the kids really shocked. the funny thing was, when he was giving instructions to the facis, the kids immediately reacted to the instructions without the facis needing to tell them. that, to me, was truly reflective of how they did not want to get anyone into trouble and how young they really were. the game that followed required them to rescue a faci from their group who was kidnapped. and they actually cried out for their facis whole-heartedly. it was very touching and most moving to see them beg for the release of their facis.
then later on in the day, to complete the whole activity, abu had another pretense. he called four kids up to the front, stating discipline as the problem. the kids were really not ready for what was to come. then when the kids were already standing in the front, the adults came in with... 4 birthday treats, singing "Allah selamatkan kamu". and the kids in front cried. and i could not help myself either. i cried too while comforting them.
hafiedzul had another reflections session on the kids' appreciation of their parents. that was truly difficult to sit through, especially when you had to comfort the kids who were tearing silently. it was a moving experience, especially when you know the kids come from broken backgrounds and they were here for that love which was missing in their lives. and that behind the facades of toughness and rebelliousness, they were all still children with sensitive hearts and a most emotional nature.
and before the kids left, i had a closing du'a ceremony. i cried openly there, and so did many of those who were in the room with me. the kids hugged their facis after that, and left me a torrent of tears.
just before they boarded the bus, i went around and salamed the boys. and i prayed for their keep in God's hands. and may they be well always. i waved to them in the bus and blew kisses and my eyes became watery again. sigh.
i never expected this. never.
and even as i write this now, i am tearing.
but i will do it all over again.
Friday, June 04, 2004
giving it up
it only recently struck me, that in my pursuit of OT, i will be losing some other things that were in my plans for a long time.
poly and uni terms begin differently. and if i get into OT, i will not be able to join FOC. and with that in mind, i had to reluctantly give up my camp coordinater post to fadiah, whom i am sure will be a brilliant CC. it's just that there were so many things that i wanted to do in the camp, or at least i know i could do in the camp. there were so many things i wanted to be involved in. there were so many people i still wanted to get to know. there were so many emotions i wanted to feel and revel in throughout the whole process. there were just so many things...so many.
when it first dawned upon me that my involvement had to be cut short, i was really really depressed. the idea of not being able to contribute as effectively, the idea that i am now out of the circle, the idea that i will not be meeting my dear beloved friends, it all brought me to a state of gloom. and that gloom pervaded my being even throughout the mock camp. abu felt it, and tried to make me feel better, but at the end of the day, its really just me.
i put this as an apology, that i never meant to pull out of the camp, not in any way. and the fact that i had to pull out really breaks my heart to a million pieces. no words can adequately describe this feeling that i go through now, not when i was so geared up, and not when suddenly, i find myself stranded in the middle of nowhere.
lost.
i really love you guys so much. that camp would have bolstered our friendship even more. but OT is a choice that i have to make. and i thank you all for understanding. at this moment when we need each other even more than ever, i had to leave. but i do not leave you with nothing at all. my prayers for your successful integration, my prayers for your fantastic planning, and my prayers for the ultimate memorable camp that NTUMS has ever seen.
and my prayers and love for you all.
i am here whenever you need me.
VENATORIS will always be our brain-child, and our effort together. and i thank you all for the memories.
poly and uni terms begin differently. and if i get into OT, i will not be able to join FOC. and with that in mind, i had to reluctantly give up my camp coordinater post to fadiah, whom i am sure will be a brilliant CC. it's just that there were so many things that i wanted to do in the camp, or at least i know i could do in the camp. there were so many things i wanted to be involved in. there were so many people i still wanted to get to know. there were so many emotions i wanted to feel and revel in throughout the whole process. there were just so many things...so many.
when it first dawned upon me that my involvement had to be cut short, i was really really depressed. the idea of not being able to contribute as effectively, the idea that i am now out of the circle, the idea that i will not be meeting my dear beloved friends, it all brought me to a state of gloom. and that gloom pervaded my being even throughout the mock camp. abu felt it, and tried to make me feel better, but at the end of the day, its really just me.
i put this as an apology, that i never meant to pull out of the camp, not in any way. and the fact that i had to pull out really breaks my heart to a million pieces. no words can adequately describe this feeling that i go through now, not when i was so geared up, and not when suddenly, i find myself stranded in the middle of nowhere.
lost.
i really love you guys so much. that camp would have bolstered our friendship even more. but OT is a choice that i have to make. and i thank you all for understanding. at this moment when we need each other even more than ever, i had to leave. but i do not leave you with nothing at all. my prayers for your successful integration, my prayers for your fantastic planning, and my prayers for the ultimate memorable camp that NTUMS has ever seen.
and my prayers and love for you all.
i am here whenever you need me.
VENATORIS will always be our brain-child, and our effort together. and i thank you all for the memories.
OT interview
3 june was the fateful day, the day upon which my whole future depends on, the day which i had been waiting for since the last 2 months...
i took the whole day off from work, just so that i could prepare myself physically and mentally for what was to come. i knew that i should have been feeling nervous, but the night before, there was a sort of quiet calm which left me, well, rather unemotional. as how shafur put it, its the calm before the storm. i could not agree more.
i woke up feeling very unsure of how the interview would be. i dressed myself in a two-tone long-sleeved shirt with brown pants, and packed my bag, so as to give a professional look. gelled my short hair up as much as i could, to give an impression of youthful zest and set off, not before asking for my mother's blessings and prayers. i took a cab to nanyang poly and gave the admissions personnel a call.
then i was invited into the interview room.
there were 3 on the panel, though only 2 were interviewers. mr yap from PT, mr lee from OT and miss teng from admissions office. i was introduced to them, and i shook their hands and seated myself across the table.
mr lee began by asking about my friends in OT, namely siddiq and melissa. so i told them my relations. they then went on to ask about my university education, and since i already pre-empted the "why the change from engine to OT, why the change from uni to poly, what do you see yourself doing in OT, how are you doing in uni" questions, i shall not delve too deeply, apart from saying that these questions have had their answers prepared and so can be considered well answered.
we then went on to my background and family support to the change in course of study. i told them my role in the army, and my position as a leader and overall in charge of the management of casualties. i told them about my hospital attachment which was the primary motivating factor to entering the healthcare industry. i told them about my social nature and the need to interact with people rather than machines and technical work. i told them about the change in mindset that i effected in my parents with respect to poly education.
there were of course some interesting questions that they posed.
Q: How many years were you in University?
A: Just a year, I have just completed my first year.
Further response from them: Oh, then no problem with the tuition grant, you are still eligible. (is this a positive response or what?)
Q: Why OT and not PT?
A: As I understand it, PT involves a lot more physical handling of injuries and rehabilitation of these injuries. OT on the other hand, involves other aspects such as mental health, environmental and social factors in the rehabilitation process. I want to engage myself in a wider range of human activities. I believe that OT can provide me with a course of study that fits my interests better.
Q: As you know there are many people who are applying for OT. It is very competitive. So why should we choose you?
A: You should choose me because you yourself agreed that my decision to change from Uni to Poly is indeed a big sacrifice and it shows a great deal of determination from me. I hope that that fact will bear some weight in your decision-making. But apart from that, you should definitely choose me because of my background in the medical and healthcare industry, as well as the experience that I have had in handling patients. My experience in leading a group towards a common goal would also be valuable in projects. All in all, I am sure that you will definitely find me an asset for OT.
Q: If there were a stroke patient, who is now totally unmotivated to carry on with life, and feels that rehab is utterly useless, what will you do to help him/her?
A: The approach towards such a patient has to be a very integrated one. There may be many ways which we can actually help the patient, but what matters is that the approach is a multi-faceted one. We can perhaps effect small changes in the rehab methods that we use, we can change the environment that the patient is exposed to, we can work towards a greater family support. All of these changes must be monitored and the patient's responses duly observed. If the patient's response is positive, then the modifications should be made permanent and improved upon. Otherwise, trial and error would eventually come up with a suitable solution towards the problem. Once again, most importantly, you have to approach the patient from many ways and styles.
Q: Apart from Bahasa and English, what other languages can you speak?
A: I can speak a bit of Mandarin (this sentence was spoken in Mandarin to prove a point)
That was among some of the more interesting questions that were posed to me.
after the interview, i gave siddiq a call, and related to him the interview. and he said the question on the stroke patient was exceptionally well-answered. apparently, i used proper OT terms which scored points, seeing that i was new to it.
just now, melissa said that she met up with mr lee, and mr lee actually asked her about me. and he REMEMBERED MY NAME. melissa said that there was a positive undertone to the conversation she had with mr lee about me.
so that's the interview. although i really did not feel any tingling feeling, at least i did not leave the place feeling bad at all. when i think back about it, i actually feel pretty good. but i guess this is just me taking my precautions, and having done all i can, i am leaving it all now to God.
friends, please pray for me. i really want to go into this course and i feel i can really perform and succeed here. so please pray for my successful entry, and God bless you all for your prayers.
Ilahi anta maqsudi wa ridhaka matlubi mahabbataka wa ma'rifataka...
Bismillahi tawakkaltu 'ala Allah, la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah...
i took the whole day off from work, just so that i could prepare myself physically and mentally for what was to come. i knew that i should have been feeling nervous, but the night before, there was a sort of quiet calm which left me, well, rather unemotional. as how shafur put it, its the calm before the storm. i could not agree more.
i woke up feeling very unsure of how the interview would be. i dressed myself in a two-tone long-sleeved shirt with brown pants, and packed my bag, so as to give a professional look. gelled my short hair up as much as i could, to give an impression of youthful zest and set off, not before asking for my mother's blessings and prayers. i took a cab to nanyang poly and gave the admissions personnel a call.
then i was invited into the interview room.
there were 3 on the panel, though only 2 were interviewers. mr yap from PT, mr lee from OT and miss teng from admissions office. i was introduced to them, and i shook their hands and seated myself across the table.
mr lee began by asking about my friends in OT, namely siddiq and melissa. so i told them my relations. they then went on to ask about my university education, and since i already pre-empted the "why the change from engine to OT, why the change from uni to poly, what do you see yourself doing in OT, how are you doing in uni" questions, i shall not delve too deeply, apart from saying that these questions have had their answers prepared and so can be considered well answered.
we then went on to my background and family support to the change in course of study. i told them my role in the army, and my position as a leader and overall in charge of the management of casualties. i told them about my hospital attachment which was the primary motivating factor to entering the healthcare industry. i told them about my social nature and the need to interact with people rather than machines and technical work. i told them about the change in mindset that i effected in my parents with respect to poly education.
there were of course some interesting questions that they posed.
Q: How many years were you in University?
A: Just a year, I have just completed my first year.
Further response from them: Oh, then no problem with the tuition grant, you are still eligible. (is this a positive response or what?)
Q: Why OT and not PT?
A: As I understand it, PT involves a lot more physical handling of injuries and rehabilitation of these injuries. OT on the other hand, involves other aspects such as mental health, environmental and social factors in the rehabilitation process. I want to engage myself in a wider range of human activities. I believe that OT can provide me with a course of study that fits my interests better.
Q: As you know there are many people who are applying for OT. It is very competitive. So why should we choose you?
A: You should choose me because you yourself agreed that my decision to change from Uni to Poly is indeed a big sacrifice and it shows a great deal of determination from me. I hope that that fact will bear some weight in your decision-making. But apart from that, you should definitely choose me because of my background in the medical and healthcare industry, as well as the experience that I have had in handling patients. My experience in leading a group towards a common goal would also be valuable in projects. All in all, I am sure that you will definitely find me an asset for OT.
Q: If there were a stroke patient, who is now totally unmotivated to carry on with life, and feels that rehab is utterly useless, what will you do to help him/her?
A: The approach towards such a patient has to be a very integrated one. There may be many ways which we can actually help the patient, but what matters is that the approach is a multi-faceted one. We can perhaps effect small changes in the rehab methods that we use, we can change the environment that the patient is exposed to, we can work towards a greater family support. All of these changes must be monitored and the patient's responses duly observed. If the patient's response is positive, then the modifications should be made permanent and improved upon. Otherwise, trial and error would eventually come up with a suitable solution towards the problem. Once again, most importantly, you have to approach the patient from many ways and styles.
Q: Apart from Bahasa and English, what other languages can you speak?
A: I can speak a bit of Mandarin (this sentence was spoken in Mandarin to prove a point)
That was among some of the more interesting questions that were posed to me.
after the interview, i gave siddiq a call, and related to him the interview. and he said the question on the stroke patient was exceptionally well-answered. apparently, i used proper OT terms which scored points, seeing that i was new to it.
just now, melissa said that she met up with mr lee, and mr lee actually asked her about me. and he REMEMBERED MY NAME. melissa said that there was a positive undertone to the conversation she had with mr lee about me.
so that's the interview. although i really did not feel any tingling feeling, at least i did not leave the place feeling bad at all. when i think back about it, i actually feel pretty good. but i guess this is just me taking my precautions, and having done all i can, i am leaving it all now to God.
friends, please pray for me. i really want to go into this course and i feel i can really perform and succeed here. so please pray for my successful entry, and God bless you all for your prayers.
Ilahi anta maqsudi wa ridhaka matlubi mahabbataka wa ma'rifataka...
Bismillahi tawakkaltu 'ala Allah, la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah...
Thursday, June 03, 2004
fun-filled days, mood-chilled heart
me and nura went to the awallah dondang briefing session on tuesday afternoon. and while they presented their ideas and concepts, nura and me felt that it was going to be a really fun and exciting and ultimately, successful performance. we could feel the vibe, because the whole organisation was really tight. and this time round, there would be no screw ups. nura and myself have some really cool ideas to the conceptualisation of the performance, and i hope that the ideas will keep on flowing and integrating themselves. and all in all, i hope that the ideas can actually manifest and realise themselves for the actual performance. because i am sure that if our concepts can be manifested, this performance will be one to remember for a long time.
awallah dondang will happen on 31 july. kilir jati will happen on 29 june. two big-scale performances back to back. two huge commitments. one not so huge person to be involved. sigh. i think i am going to be really stretched, but in a good way.
but nura went out of her way to invite the idiot back. and i have to bear with it. because i am doing it for those who are worth doing it for, and not the other way round. and i have to live up to my words. so lucky them to be those who are worth doing it for. because otherwise, i would not have bothered in the least.
went to westmall, met with ratna and shikin. miss them too, and had a great conversation, in typical old friends' style. want to do it more often with them. then met abang maizal and terrence and amin abang maizal's friend and fat bitch and fat bitch's friend hide (pronounced he-they, japanese style) where a furious discussion on the business proposal of an arts bistro went underway. terrence was interested in investing...$50K at that...what a friend...i hope things turn out for the best.
wednesday, i met up with old bitch and fat bitch. had gelare ice cream twice because chambermaid gave us a discount. had pizza hut with the bitches in between. miss chambermaid a lot, and chambermaid misses us too. miss the old times when we were all happy together. and all were happy with the meeting. and then met with fat bitch's friends at lido for harry potter: the prisoner of azkaban. it was a brilliantly dark, mature and satisfying portrayal of the book. the characters were all grown up...yummy.
had my OT interview just now, will write about it in another entry. also went to the LOTR exhibition, where i wanted to buy so many things, but sadly, i did not have the money for them. the exhibition was pretty interesting, with so many things that could be really studied and examined. i was simply awed by the whole affair being put together, and the genius behind the making and realisation of LOTR. someone had said that it was not worth the admissions fee. well that someone clearly did not have the patience to go through things as how they should have. typically an idiot. me and suhaila had a really good time there. we are more aware now of the effort that went into making an epic come to life...yeah.
then someone had to spoil the day. if you are reading this friend, yah you did. blaming me for my advice, good or bad, is really not the way to go. if you can't take advice, do not go around asking for it, especially if you took it and things did not turn out the way you expect. i am not a prophet, with the ability to foresee how things would turn out. i hate being placed in the hot spot when clearly, it was your lack of sense and judgement that screws things up, not my words. so i am not giving you any more advice, because you, in danger of becoming an idiot to me, are proving yourself unworthy of it. tread carefully. suhaila was my witness here.
so there, supposedly fun-filled days, but my mood was severely chilled by the events that came along.
awallah dondang will happen on 31 july. kilir jati will happen on 29 june. two big-scale performances back to back. two huge commitments. one not so huge person to be involved. sigh. i think i am going to be really stretched, but in a good way.
but nura went out of her way to invite the idiot back. and i have to bear with it. because i am doing it for those who are worth doing it for, and not the other way round. and i have to live up to my words. so lucky them to be those who are worth doing it for. because otherwise, i would not have bothered in the least.
went to westmall, met with ratna and shikin. miss them too, and had a great conversation, in typical old friends' style. want to do it more often with them. then met abang maizal and terrence and amin abang maizal's friend and fat bitch and fat bitch's friend hide (pronounced he-they, japanese style) where a furious discussion on the business proposal of an arts bistro went underway. terrence was interested in investing...$50K at that...what a friend...i hope things turn out for the best.
wednesday, i met up with old bitch and fat bitch. had gelare ice cream twice because chambermaid gave us a discount. had pizza hut with the bitches in between. miss chambermaid a lot, and chambermaid misses us too. miss the old times when we were all happy together. and all were happy with the meeting. and then met with fat bitch's friends at lido for harry potter: the prisoner of azkaban. it was a brilliantly dark, mature and satisfying portrayal of the book. the characters were all grown up...yummy.
had my OT interview just now, will write about it in another entry. also went to the LOTR exhibition, where i wanted to buy so many things, but sadly, i did not have the money for them. the exhibition was pretty interesting, with so many things that could be really studied and examined. i was simply awed by the whole affair being put together, and the genius behind the making and realisation of LOTR. someone had said that it was not worth the admissions fee. well that someone clearly did not have the patience to go through things as how they should have. typically an idiot. me and suhaila had a really good time there. we are more aware now of the effort that went into making an epic come to life...yeah.
then someone had to spoil the day. if you are reading this friend, yah you did. blaming me for my advice, good or bad, is really not the way to go. if you can't take advice, do not go around asking for it, especially if you took it and things did not turn out the way you expect. i am not a prophet, with the ability to foresee how things would turn out. i hate being placed in the hot spot when clearly, it was your lack of sense and judgement that screws things up, not my words. so i am not giving you any more advice, because you, in danger of becoming an idiot to me, are proving yourself unworthy of it. tread carefully. suhaila was my witness here.
so there, supposedly fun-filled days, but my mood was severely chilled by the events that came along.
Sunday, May 30, 2004
what a week
its 30th may, and more than a week since i last updated. but of course as the title-head implies, it has been a truly great and busy week, with everything happening and rushing past, swirling me round and round.
let's just have a look at major events that took place from sunday to sunday.
last sunday was the K2 mock camp at mendaki...that was a really fun thing to attend. i met all the people whom i have not met for so long... it was truly a delight for me. and i was back to being a kid around everyone as i always am when i am excited...sigh, i miss the days when the camps were for us rather than by us. but from this standpoint, i guess the whole experience becomes even more meaningful. and i hope it will turn out to be just as good for the kids as it has been for me.
monday tuesday and wednesday passed by quite uneventfully, except that i am starting to get really numb hands from all the hammering at work. and the rash has disappeared completely, which only means that i had to get used to the working environment. which thankfully i am.
thursday was a short meet-up with my dear junior asri who's getting married on 6th june, CONGRATULATIONS!!! i pray that all goes well during and after the wedding for the rest of their blessed lives...and the ceremony on sunday would bring us all together again, so once more...its gonna be a social event on the calendar...so look forward to it!!! after the short rendezvous, me and tau went to catch shrek 2, which was really a great laugh... i ADORE puss in boots...those big eyes just kill me, literally... and when taufiq left to meet up with his special someone, i joined zaki and zul for the day after tomorrow, which was another nice show...the whole plot was really not that impressive, but effects and details really make up for it...so cool...
friday was half day work
saturday was busy as hell. work in the morn, had to turn down overtime in the afternoon because of a prior commitment to hosting a tarian competition (persada juara tari 2004) at cairnhill cc...i wore the shawl aidil bought me for the first time, and i looked good...so thank you...abang kamal said i was very read-y and farida said i was too firm and not kindly...oh by the way CONGRATULATIONS ON LAW!!! that was for farida for successfully getting into law... but back to my emcee skills, well everyone's a critic...hamim already got me in place for an event happening in july at the cc as a dj-mc person...see how lah about that...then after the competition, we had to go down to tapac for a combined training with the whole kilir jati performance peeps...that place stinks literally of cat-poo and the training space sucks...if we have to go there again, please for goodness sakes, get us better facilities...we had to roll around on bricked ground, with a carpet for cushioning...its no wonder some of the girls were really abused... hahahaha... then had to rush to hara to meet shafur for supper where i had to take my mendaki tuition stuff back from him, since last minute i decided to go and teach...and reached home around 1 am...and had to wake up at 8 the next morning to go tuition, and then go for FOC mock camp in school, where i finally met the rest of the NTU gang whom i missed so much, and some of whom i just met for the first time, but they really endeared to me...the activities were tiring but fun, i had a fantastically superb time trying out the games and activities planned for the new intake...my only worry is that i may not be able to help out when the time comes for the real event. everyone was asking...i am sorry...sorry...sorry...it really makes me feel depressed thinking about it...but i love you guys all, and i will help if and when i can, believe me...
so there it is.
a physical and emotional week for all to read.
regards.
let's just have a look at major events that took place from sunday to sunday.
last sunday was the K2 mock camp at mendaki...that was a really fun thing to attend. i met all the people whom i have not met for so long... it was truly a delight for me. and i was back to being a kid around everyone as i always am when i am excited...sigh, i miss the days when the camps were for us rather than by us. but from this standpoint, i guess the whole experience becomes even more meaningful. and i hope it will turn out to be just as good for the kids as it has been for me.
monday tuesday and wednesday passed by quite uneventfully, except that i am starting to get really numb hands from all the hammering at work. and the rash has disappeared completely, which only means that i had to get used to the working environment. which thankfully i am.
thursday was a short meet-up with my dear junior asri who's getting married on 6th june, CONGRATULATIONS!!! i pray that all goes well during and after the wedding for the rest of their blessed lives...and the ceremony on sunday would bring us all together again, so once more...its gonna be a social event on the calendar...so look forward to it!!! after the short rendezvous, me and tau went to catch shrek 2, which was really a great laugh... i ADORE puss in boots...those big eyes just kill me, literally... and when taufiq left to meet up with his special someone, i joined zaki and zul for the day after tomorrow, which was another nice show...the whole plot was really not that impressive, but effects and details really make up for it...so cool...
friday was half day work
saturday was busy as hell. work in the morn, had to turn down overtime in the afternoon because of a prior commitment to hosting a tarian competition (persada juara tari 2004) at cairnhill cc...i wore the shawl aidil bought me for the first time, and i looked good...so thank you...abang kamal said i was very read-y and farida said i was too firm and not kindly...oh by the way CONGRATULATIONS ON LAW!!! that was for farida for successfully getting into law... but back to my emcee skills, well everyone's a critic...hamim already got me in place for an event happening in july at the cc as a dj-mc person...see how lah about that...then after the competition, we had to go down to tapac for a combined training with the whole kilir jati performance peeps...that place stinks literally of cat-poo and the training space sucks...if we have to go there again, please for goodness sakes, get us better facilities...we had to roll around on bricked ground, with a carpet for cushioning...its no wonder some of the girls were really abused... hahahaha... then had to rush to hara to meet shafur for supper where i had to take my mendaki tuition stuff back from him, since last minute i decided to go and teach...and reached home around 1 am...and had to wake up at 8 the next morning to go tuition, and then go for FOC mock camp in school, where i finally met the rest of the NTU gang whom i missed so much, and some of whom i just met for the first time, but they really endeared to me...the activities were tiring but fun, i had a fantastically superb time trying out the games and activities planned for the new intake...my only worry is that i may not be able to help out when the time comes for the real event. everyone was asking...i am sorry...sorry...sorry...it really makes me feel depressed thinking about it...but i love you guys all, and i will help if and when i can, believe me...
so there it is.
a physical and emotional week for all to read.
regards.
Saturday, May 22, 2004
rash and other stuff
1. i am nursing a bad rash. i want everyone to know. it is not really making me very happy or kind or even-tempered. so beware. but damn it i have to persevere because of the money. blardy dust mites and sensitive skin. damn them all.
2. received a call from a friend just now, who tried to make me not go for my K2 camp meetings and events. he said i would most probably not be around next semester anyways, so why bother. i got rather dissed at that comment. firstly, its a commitment that i made way way beforehand. who are you to question my priorities? secondly, my presence at YOUR appointment will not really make a difference. i will not contribute even if i go because there really is not much to say. what is this crap about a final meeting ever? its not as if we wont be ever working together again, and i can always meet up with the others on other days at my own time. dun make me the bad guy here, the uncooperative one. i did what i had to do, but some people did not. they are the ones that you should be pissed at. and this is the second time you dissed me off because of your attitude. be careful.
3. farida, remember to just go au naturel. and be kind to yourself.
4. got my interview date finally, its on 3rd June, everyone please pray for my successful transfer, and pray that it all turns out well.
5. blardy rash.
2. received a call from a friend just now, who tried to make me not go for my K2 camp meetings and events. he said i would most probably not be around next semester anyways, so why bother. i got rather dissed at that comment. firstly, its a commitment that i made way way beforehand. who are you to question my priorities? secondly, my presence at YOUR appointment will not really make a difference. i will not contribute even if i go because there really is not much to say. what is this crap about a final meeting ever? its not as if we wont be ever working together again, and i can always meet up with the others on other days at my own time. dun make me the bad guy here, the uncooperative one. i did what i had to do, but some people did not. they are the ones that you should be pissed at. and this is the second time you dissed me off because of your attitude. be careful.
3. farida, remember to just go au naturel. and be kind to yourself.
4. got my interview date finally, its on 3rd June, everyone please pray for my successful transfer, and pray that it all turns out well.
5. blardy rash.
Monday, May 17, 2004
work
i started work today at my auntie's company. and it was tiring as hell. stood for a good 7 hours. now my hands are full of paper cuts, even though i wore gloves. my auntie had warned me that this job might not be suitable. but i was thinking, after army, what could be worse? well, this wasn't as bad as the army. but bad enough to set me thinking about my career options anyways.
two good things came out of this.
the work was really physical. hands and feet must work. so i sweated a lot. and since i dun bring a lot of cash, i only ate fruits for lunch. i hope by the end of the stint, i will have lost some weight. and my footache from tarian is gone, because i stood too long. ironic.
money, money, money. the initial motivation for me to even consider working in the holidays. i want to earn at least $2000 in the holidays, enough to pay off all my bills and debts, finally obtain my driving license and get a new phone. with enough to spare for later. i am hoping for extra kindness from my auntie. hehehe. nepotic ass.
my apologies to my friends who would be slugging their butts and brains away preparing for the camps. i will try to make it as and when i can, and i will definitely make an effort to keep up and attend important meetings. but meanwhiles, i am sure you guys are doing fine without me. i hope.
PS: had a dream about a friend. of the same genre as before. weird. same person, same kinda dream. and taufiq told me to write it down. but i shall be cryptic in describing it. all i will say about it:
police raid, photography shop, bath-house, invitation, "i won't do it unless you want to."
hmm. go imagine.
two good things came out of this.
the work was really physical. hands and feet must work. so i sweated a lot. and since i dun bring a lot of cash, i only ate fruits for lunch. i hope by the end of the stint, i will have lost some weight. and my footache from tarian is gone, because i stood too long. ironic.
money, money, money. the initial motivation for me to even consider working in the holidays. i want to earn at least $2000 in the holidays, enough to pay off all my bills and debts, finally obtain my driving license and get a new phone. with enough to spare for later. i am hoping for extra kindness from my auntie. hehehe. nepotic ass.
my apologies to my friends who would be slugging their butts and brains away preparing for the camps. i will try to make it as and when i can, and i will definitely make an effort to keep up and attend important meetings. but meanwhiles, i am sure you guys are doing fine without me. i hope.
PS: had a dream about a friend. of the same genre as before. weird. same person, same kinda dream. and taufiq told me to write it down. but i shall be cryptic in describing it. all i will say about it:
police raid, photography shop, bath-house, invitation, "i won't do it unless you want to."
hmm. go imagine.
a cousin's wedding
WARNING:
this is a bitching story. so for those who can't stand it, carry on to other posts. but for those who carry on, it ends pretty well. so whatever.
saturday night was the dinner affair at the national orchid park. there was a quota for every family, like only three or four could attend the dinner. wtf. its a wedding and you split family like that. the worse thing is, its not the first time. no point being rich and all that, but then in trying to show off wealth and sophistication, you compromise the integrity of the family. and you served alcohols at the dinner. wtf again. thank goodness i did not go. i was initially uninvited and later, due to a poor response they asked that i come anyways. too late. two strikes against you.
sunday, i was forced to attend the "sanding" affair. fine. give face to you as eldest child to my grandfather, and to the groom, eldest grandchild. i managed to have fun there anyways. saw my cousins, met up with my grandaunties, aunties, uncles, and most importantly, the youngest few in the generation after me, my nieces and nephews...they are soooo cute... and they made the day all fine and dandy...
sigh...when will i have kids?
PS: cousin is half arab, cousin-in-law is chinese-korean. talk about exotic.
this is a bitching story. so for those who can't stand it, carry on to other posts. but for those who carry on, it ends pretty well. so whatever.
saturday night was the dinner affair at the national orchid park. there was a quota for every family, like only three or four could attend the dinner. wtf. its a wedding and you split family like that. the worse thing is, its not the first time. no point being rich and all that, but then in trying to show off wealth and sophistication, you compromise the integrity of the family. and you served alcohols at the dinner. wtf again. thank goodness i did not go. i was initially uninvited and later, due to a poor response they asked that i come anyways. too late. two strikes against you.
sunday, i was forced to attend the "sanding" affair. fine. give face to you as eldest child to my grandfather, and to the groom, eldest grandchild. i managed to have fun there anyways. saw my cousins, met up with my grandaunties, aunties, uncles, and most importantly, the youngest few in the generation after me, my nieces and nephews...they are soooo cute... and they made the day all fine and dandy...
sigh...when will i have kids?
PS: cousin is half arab, cousin-in-law is chinese-korean. talk about exotic.
11.35pm, friday night...
in a defiant act of triumph (does that make any sense?) against the crappiness of having a curfew, suhaila, taufiq and me went to watch troy after tarian. the movie was that late. and being an epic, it lasted for a good 2 hours 45 minutes...and boy, was it an epic.
well, knowing the story beforehand really did not take away the essence of the show. it was, by the way, a really good take on the whole siege of troy story...in order to not spoil it for some people who would be reading this, but not seen the story yet, i will just say that the romance, the character depth, and the whole grandeur of the tale made the story worth it, no matter how predictable. and for the horny ones, well, there are a lot naked bodies to look at...
as tired as i was, i was glad i did not fall asleep in the theatre itself...what a waste it would have been.
wish i could say more.
maybe after tuesday.
well, knowing the story beforehand really did not take away the essence of the show. it was, by the way, a really good take on the whole siege of troy story...in order to not spoil it for some people who would be reading this, but not seen the story yet, i will just say that the romance, the character depth, and the whole grandeur of the tale made the story worth it, no matter how predictable. and for the horny ones, well, there are a lot naked bodies to look at...
as tired as i was, i was glad i did not fall asleep in the theatre itself...what a waste it would have been.
wish i could say more.
maybe after tuesday.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
troy
the story of troy went to the tune of some city being deceived by what was initially perceived to be a gift, but eventually turned out to be the main cause of the city's downfall.
well, to put it crudely, our tickets and the premiere yesterday were troy-ish.
can you believe that i had actually dressed up nicely, in aniticipation of a major gathering of stars? so of course the glam factor had to be there...but as we were jitterily going into the theatre and looking for our seats, it soon became apparent that we were cheated, as how the citizens of troy were.
firstly and most importantly, i got the worst seat in the house.
LIDO 1, row Y, seat 34.
i will never forget that seat number. its the left bottom-most corner of the cinema, so what i would have been able to get, would be a really distorted image of the screen and a crink in the neck at the end of the day.
secondly, i saw no stars there. my camera, clothes and charisma all were for nothing.
so, we left the cinema, even before the movie started. we could definitely watch it some other time, where the experience would be so much better.
i really felt cheated. what's the point of getting free tickets if it meant not being able to watch the movie like other people? sheesh...media corp...so crappy. what a scam.
and have i said it yet? i feel cheated.
well, to put it crudely, our tickets and the premiere yesterday were troy-ish.
can you believe that i had actually dressed up nicely, in aniticipation of a major gathering of stars? so of course the glam factor had to be there...but as we were jitterily going into the theatre and looking for our seats, it soon became apparent that we were cheated, as how the citizens of troy were.
firstly and most importantly, i got the worst seat in the house.
LIDO 1, row Y, seat 34.
i will never forget that seat number. its the left bottom-most corner of the cinema, so what i would have been able to get, would be a really distorted image of the screen and a crink in the neck at the end of the day.
secondly, i saw no stars there. my camera, clothes and charisma all were for nothing.
so, we left the cinema, even before the movie started. we could definitely watch it some other time, where the experience would be so much better.
i really felt cheated. what's the point of getting free tickets if it meant not being able to watch the movie like other people? sheesh...media corp...so crappy. what a scam.
and have i said it yet? i feel cheated.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
closure for the loser
since i most probably will never say this in your face, 'cos i dun intend to speak to you anymore anyways, let my just post it up for all to read.
firstly, i really dunno what happened. and i did try to salvage what i can. but unsurprisingly, lo and lo, there was no response from your side. and three times i tried, but still, zilch. so the ball has effectively gone into your court to play, but you choose to not play. so by rights, i am relieved of responsibility.
if we go back to the time it began, surely there would have been a moment where i got dissed by your actions and apathy. when previously i took heart, you would try to know where things went wrong, this time round you chose to ignore it. and i took heart as usual. but rather than sound it out to you, i was tired as well, and just could not be bothered then to do so. to you that was a tantrum. and you had the cheek to tell others that i was pissed off at you. fine.
then came the meetings, where i am sure you felt my hostility. and please dun even think that i will ever be warming up to you again. if that is what is keeping you from reconciliating with me, then let me just put it plainly across, it is your fault. no matter what the meeting is, where, with whom, i will still be just as cold. and if you feel it, too bad.
i can so easily take all the blame, and being that kind of person, i will take the blame. i do not regret what i have done though, please do not be mistaken. i just blame myself for thinking that in some way, subtle or otherwise, i could change you. but that was where the mistake lay. i should have never thought that i could change people, i should have never thought that my love could make you a better person. i should have never seen that glimmer which gave me hope that our friendship could last. in all ways, i should not have cared to try, cared to care.
because i am still feeling the pain of it, no matter how i act, no matter what i say.
because i am still feeling the lost of it, no matter who i am with.
and my only respite, is that you are still nothing, that you are still as screwed up as you were. and i feel no remorse for your disability.
who you were, who you are, who you will be - essentially a loser with nothing.
and that is my closure for you.
firstly, i really dunno what happened. and i did try to salvage what i can. but unsurprisingly, lo and lo, there was no response from your side. and three times i tried, but still, zilch. so the ball has effectively gone into your court to play, but you choose to not play. so by rights, i am relieved of responsibility.
if we go back to the time it began, surely there would have been a moment where i got dissed by your actions and apathy. when previously i took heart, you would try to know where things went wrong, this time round you chose to ignore it. and i took heart as usual. but rather than sound it out to you, i was tired as well, and just could not be bothered then to do so. to you that was a tantrum. and you had the cheek to tell others that i was pissed off at you. fine.
then came the meetings, where i am sure you felt my hostility. and please dun even think that i will ever be warming up to you again. if that is what is keeping you from reconciliating with me, then let me just put it plainly across, it is your fault. no matter what the meeting is, where, with whom, i will still be just as cold. and if you feel it, too bad.
i can so easily take all the blame, and being that kind of person, i will take the blame. i do not regret what i have done though, please do not be mistaken. i just blame myself for thinking that in some way, subtle or otherwise, i could change you. but that was where the mistake lay. i should have never thought that i could change people, i should have never thought that my love could make you a better person. i should have never seen that glimmer which gave me hope that our friendship could last. in all ways, i should not have cared to try, cared to care.
because i am still feeling the pain of it, no matter how i act, no matter what i say.
because i am still feeling the lost of it, no matter who i am with.
and my only respite, is that you are still nothing, that you are still as screwed up as you were. and i feel no remorse for your disability.
who you were, who you are, who you will be - essentially a loser with nothing.
and that is my closure for you.
kill bill 2 with the deer in the village
t'was a great outing... and i like the fact that we can make so much noise in the movie theatre (well not so much lah) and disturb other viewers enough to move them from their seats...hahahha...i still dun understand why they moved lah...seriously...
and to think that you dunno where borders is...well...we shall go out more often yeah? since you say that orchard is not your turf, let's make it your turf in the holidays...we can go out again...no we must go out again ok??
thanks for the outing again...next time you decide the food, and i decide activities...how bout that?
:)
and to think that you dunno where borders is...well...we shall go out more often yeah? since you say that orchard is not your turf, let's make it your turf in the holidays...we can go out again...no we must go out again ok??
thanks for the outing again...next time you decide the food, and i decide activities...how bout that?
:)
wake up
You like snow but only if it's warm
You like rain but only if it's dry
No sentimental value to the rose that fell on your floor
No fundamental excuse for the granted I'm taken for
'Cause it's easy not to
So much easier not to
And what goes around never comes around to you
You like pain but only if it doesn't hurt too much
You sit... and you wait... to receive
There's an obvious attraction
To the path of least resistance in your life
There's an obvious aversion no amount of my insistence
could make you try tonight
'Cause it's easy not to
So much easier not to
And what goes around never comes around to you
To you to you to you to you to you...
There's no love no money no thrill anymore
There's an apprehensive naked little trembling boy
With his head in his hands
There's an underestimated and impatient little girl
Raising her hand
But it's easy not to
So much easier not to
And what goes around never comes around to you
To you, to you
get up off of it
get outta here enough already
Wake up
Wake Up, Jagged Little Pill - Alanis Morissette
i post this song in response to a conversation i had with taufiq and farida a few days ago, at separate times but talking about the same things: my take on life and attitude towards caring for others. i guess this song pretty much sums up what i was trying to put across to the both of you, especially so the first verse. while it actually sucks being in this place emotionally, you cannot help but do it because you have to protect yourself from the undesirables.
i hope the two of you can now understand better.
Friday, May 07, 2004
for love or money or everything else...whatever
just finished viewing this reality show called for love or money II. which by the way, is just stupid.
giving love a value of a million dollars and making idiots choose.
whatever is happening to the perception of love? perhaps i am being a romantic, but hey i would rather be a romantic than a materialistic asshole. at least i can live with myself and a clear conscience. game it may be, but still... mebbe i am just too jaded about this whole love thing, or mebbe i am just angst-ridden because i still have yet to experience it.
love the game, hate the players? love the players, hate the game?
love and hate are so subjective. if you ask me, hate is just an extreme of love. and therefore, there is truly no such thing as hate. but am i right here? or is hate an absence of love?
when you love and hate someone, you actually love that person.
when you hate and love someone, you still love that person.
when you hate someone, then you hate that person.
i guess i have gone through every type. but i am still hanging on to that hope that my romantic kind of love will prevail for me. as how a dear friend once said, "i am hoping for a fairy-tale love." i cannot really remember what i said to her, but i say now that there is no harm in hoping. perhaps it will come, and if it does not, at least we did not lose hope. and i do pray that you get it, in all your fantasies.
but for myself, i guess i want to just be removed.
giving love a value of a million dollars and making idiots choose.
whatever is happening to the perception of love? perhaps i am being a romantic, but hey i would rather be a romantic than a materialistic asshole. at least i can live with myself and a clear conscience. game it may be, but still... mebbe i am just too jaded about this whole love thing, or mebbe i am just angst-ridden because i still have yet to experience it.
love the game, hate the players? love the players, hate the game?
love and hate are so subjective. if you ask me, hate is just an extreme of love. and therefore, there is truly no such thing as hate. but am i right here? or is hate an absence of love?
when you love and hate someone, you actually love that person.
when you hate and love someone, you still love that person.
when you hate someone, then you hate that person.
i guess i have gone through every type. but i am still hanging on to that hope that my romantic kind of love will prevail for me. as how a dear friend once said, "i am hoping for a fairy-tale love." i cannot really remember what i said to her, but i say now that there is no harm in hoping. perhaps it will come, and if it does not, at least we did not lose hope. and i do pray that you get it, in all your fantasies.
but for myself, i guess i want to just be removed.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
dreams
they say that dreams are a way of looking into the mystery called life. in dreams, you see things that have happened, are happening or yet to happen. a good dream is one fortieth of prophecy. dreams are our subconscious, living in ways not possible except on their terms. we work out our anxieties and live our unexpressed lives through our dreams.
i believe in all these, for many times, i have experienced deja-vus. and remember them from the scenes that play out in my mind at night.
they say that souls call out to each other in sleep, and affinity brings these calling souls to a meeting place. at that place, these souls catch glimpses of secrets of the past, present and future. and at that place, they experience alternate lives. good or bad, is another matter altogether.
i write this, because both my sister and i dreamt of our father, who is in nigeria currently, last night. while she told me about it, she does not know that i had had a dream about our father as well.
to make it more freaky, our dreams were disarmingly coherent in terms of subject matter - family trouble.
i dont know what to make of it.
i believe in all these, for many times, i have experienced deja-vus. and remember them from the scenes that play out in my mind at night.
they say that souls call out to each other in sleep, and affinity brings these calling souls to a meeting place. at that place, these souls catch glimpses of secrets of the past, present and future. and at that place, they experience alternate lives. good or bad, is another matter altogether.
i write this, because both my sister and i dreamt of our father, who is in nigeria currently, last night. while she told me about it, she does not know that i had had a dream about our father as well.
to make it more freaky, our dreams were disarmingly coherent in terms of subject matter - family trouble.
i dont know what to make of it.
prayer
lead us to a place
guide us with Your Grace
give us faith so we'll be safe
the prayer - various artistes
approaching the end of my exams, approaching the end of first year at school after national service. need time to regroup and think about how things have turned out. many things have happened. and many more to come.
this prayer goes out to all who needs the faith and guidance to get through hard times, and hopefully at the end, all will be well and fulfilling.
spiralina, if you read this, hang in there. good coffee makes better times. and yoga tops it all off, :)
remember the triumvirate's date.
i love you all, truly.
guide us with Your Grace
give us faith so we'll be safe
the prayer - various artistes
approaching the end of my exams, approaching the end of first year at school after national service. need time to regroup and think about how things have turned out. many things have happened. and many more to come.
this prayer goes out to all who needs the faith and guidance to get through hard times, and hopefully at the end, all will be well and fulfilling.
spiralina, if you read this, hang in there. good coffee makes better times. and yoga tops it all off, :)
remember the triumvirate's date.
i love you all, truly.
Monday, May 03, 2004
HARA
me and taufiq were entranced by this quaint little place somewhere in bukit timah a few months ago. the place serves halal chinese tim sum. and we being the connoisseurs that we are, of course jump at every opportunity to eat non-traditional food.
the initial forays were like thursday nights after arab class. so we tended to be among the last few customers all the time, and most of the time, the last customers sitting inside the shop.
one night the landlady, now affectionately referred to as aunty nancy, approached us and asked for our help in promoting the outlet to students specifically and to our age group generally. we gave her some ideas and as the story went, we became friends, in a way. and we were the first customers to the inaugural buffet spread, the first customers to enjoy the new seats in the upper-storey, the first customers to use the tatami room. it was all good. and during our second buffet, uncle robert (the landlord) came and spoke to us of his experience in running businesses and proposed some opportunities to us, which in our excitement, we actually considered taking a break from school for a year to try out.
how things can just churn themselves from nothing.
i guess we were just there initially for the different cuisine.
but excellent service and hospitality can really, really make a difference.
and that was what kept us coming back.
and of course, the special dining privileges :)
the initial forays were like thursday nights after arab class. so we tended to be among the last few customers all the time, and most of the time, the last customers sitting inside the shop.
one night the landlady, now affectionately referred to as aunty nancy, approached us and asked for our help in promoting the outlet to students specifically and to our age group generally. we gave her some ideas and as the story went, we became friends, in a way. and we were the first customers to the inaugural buffet spread, the first customers to enjoy the new seats in the upper-storey, the first customers to use the tatami room. it was all good. and during our second buffet, uncle robert (the landlord) came and spoke to us of his experience in running businesses and proposed some opportunities to us, which in our excitement, we actually considered taking a break from school for a year to try out.
how things can just churn themselves from nothing.
i guess we were just there initially for the different cuisine.
but excellent service and hospitality can really, really make a difference.
and that was what kept us coming back.
and of course, the special dining privileges :)
Sunday, May 02, 2004
worms that get through windows but cannot eat the apple
i write tonight in outrage of the stupid trouble that all these viruses and worms caused. my computer was infected with the sasser worm while i left it online the whole night before. apparent effects were overall slowing down of the system, plus programs could not be run without error messages popping up all over the effin' screen.
i got worried. and i got pissed.
more pissed than worried.
nobody knew what hit me when i asked for advice and help. then channelnewsasia announced the problem.
but not before i uninstalled my modem, burnt out my files, almost thrashed my computer, and pulled my already damaged hair out.
farida assisted me in the end, thanks for that, girl.
but i am still seething with quiet rage over the whole mess that i got myself into.
taufiq's prescription: an apple.
windows had better buck up or shut up.
else they gonna lose lotsa business to a fruit.
i got worried. and i got pissed.
more pissed than worried.
nobody knew what hit me when i asked for advice and help. then channelnewsasia announced the problem.
but not before i uninstalled my modem, burnt out my files, almost thrashed my computer, and pulled my already damaged hair out.
farida assisted me in the end, thanks for that, girl.
but i am still seething with quiet rage over the whole mess that i got myself into.
taufiq's prescription: an apple.
windows had better buck up or shut up.
else they gonna lose lotsa business to a fruit.
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
what we are missing
i went to the secondary school debate finals on sunday, where RI competed against SJI. one of my favouritest juniors messaged me and asked me to come and support him. so i brought taufiq along, and down we went to the masjid sultan auditorium. there i met up with some of the juniors whom i have not talked to for a million years. it felt good meeting up again after all that time, and it was really sweet to have them remember you even after so long.
as we sat through the debate, i made some observations of the dynamics of the whole group. and i reminisced my experience as a teenager with a tight group of friends.
i saw through them, the exact same thing that we had as secondary school mates. a common identity, a sense of brotherhood and unity that led us towards the same things. a bonding that was so strong that it would almost kill if removed. the collective fun, collective joy, collective sadness, collective tears that i could see. empathy reigned and every one could almost read the other's mind. and it reaffirmed my conviction that there was no better time than the years in secondary school, where you truly felt that you had companions for life.
as i recapitulated my thoughts to taufiq, i asked him why we had to change so much.
he said that as people get older, their circle of friends get smaller. and its just a natural process of selection and deselection of people whom you decide deserve your attention and concern.
well, natural as it may be, i find it sad that it had to be that way.
we are missing a lot.
as we sat through the debate, i made some observations of the dynamics of the whole group. and i reminisced my experience as a teenager with a tight group of friends.
i saw through them, the exact same thing that we had as secondary school mates. a common identity, a sense of brotherhood and unity that led us towards the same things. a bonding that was so strong that it would almost kill if removed. the collective fun, collective joy, collective sadness, collective tears that i could see. empathy reigned and every one could almost read the other's mind. and it reaffirmed my conviction that there was no better time than the years in secondary school, where you truly felt that you had companions for life.
as i recapitulated my thoughts to taufiq, i asked him why we had to change so much.
he said that as people get older, their circle of friends get smaller. and its just a natural process of selection and deselection of people whom you decide deserve your attention and concern.
well, natural as it may be, i find it sad that it had to be that way.
we are missing a lot.
Monday, April 26, 2004
zapin, here i come
tarian on saturday night was a whole new experience all over again.
zapin.
a most energetic, lively and enchanting dance form to me. and it was one of the greatest pull factor for me, when i even considered entering perkumpulan seni. and i was even more determined to learn it when we saw the PA peeps perform their contemporary piece during sari budaya. i wanted to be able to move like them. i needed to move like them.
boy was i in for a time.
twisting my oh-so-unprofessional body, doing back flips, contorting but controlling your frame through different levels of motion - i really was not prepared for it. i actually felt the utter need to train up, and how my current form will not in the least bit help in making me a better dancer.
my body reacted really bad to the whole regime. my ankles were sore, and my muscles all tensed up the next morning. My butt was aching to the max, and even lifting my legs hurt. my whole pelvic region was sore from all the thrusts and gyration. and i could not even laugh, 'cos my stomach would resist in pain everytime i doubled up in mirth. it was a weird feeling. i like it, knowing that i am punishing myself for not keeping in shape. but at the same time, it was that exact thing that might actually get me back to shape.
hahaha...i hope.
zapin.
a most energetic, lively and enchanting dance form to me. and it was one of the greatest pull factor for me, when i even considered entering perkumpulan seni. and i was even more determined to learn it when we saw the PA peeps perform their contemporary piece during sari budaya. i wanted to be able to move like them. i needed to move like them.
boy was i in for a time.
twisting my oh-so-unprofessional body, doing back flips, contorting but controlling your frame through different levels of motion - i really was not prepared for it. i actually felt the utter need to train up, and how my current form will not in the least bit help in making me a better dancer.
my body reacted really bad to the whole regime. my ankles were sore, and my muscles all tensed up the next morning. My butt was aching to the max, and even lifting my legs hurt. my whole pelvic region was sore from all the thrusts and gyration. and i could not even laugh, 'cos my stomach would resist in pain everytime i doubled up in mirth. it was a weird feeling. i like it, knowing that i am punishing myself for not keeping in shape. but at the same time, it was that exact thing that might actually get me back to shape.
hahaha...i hope.
a personal apology
brother, a great misunderstanding was what it was all about. i know you had my best interests. and i appreciate it. and i do need you to keep on doing it, that's what you should do.
but the shock of it all just hit me, as how i said, like a slap in the face. and my disappointment was not towards you. it's towards me. i let myself down. you did not.
and i am happy that you feel no remorse, 'cos you should not.
thank you thank you thank you.
and for the record, you are a beautiful person, inside and out.
but the shock of it all just hit me, as how i said, like a slap in the face. and my disappointment was not towards you. it's towards me. i let myself down. you did not.
and i am happy that you feel no remorse, 'cos you should not.
thank you thank you thank you.
and for the record, you are a beautiful person, inside and out.
Friday, April 23, 2004
human is beautiful, perfect is boring
that was what tyra banks said in the show "the next american top model". she was referring to the models trying to achieve a certain aura of perfection, which only made them look like every other model and no personal character to show.
how her words ring true.
last night, i had conversations with two people. and the conversations left me distressed. but its not a bad kind of distress, just a thinking and reflective me.
those who know me will maybe say that i have certain qualities. though my bad side does come out occasionally, i generally portray a rather genial and approachable person, and one who has his thoughts sorted out and life figured out in his own way. and personally, i do try my best to live up to whatever expectations that people have of me, and it is a personal effort to make myself appear the best that i am to anyone.
but it hurts when somebody comes up to you, and tells you that cracks are showing. well, that was what happened last night. somebody told me that i had cracks and that he could read it. and i was shocked, affected. i mean all this while, i thought that i was covering my tracks pretty well, but it seems that i screwed up somewhere. and somebody got a whiff of my scent. to be honest, at that moment in time, i was devastated. appalled at myself for not being able to be that person that i am striving to be or at least give the impression that i am so on the way to becoming that person. we all want to be somewhere, be someone and we try.
but when somebody gives you that slap in the face, you lose your drive.
i got slapped last night. and its not that i am not thankful. but i would appreciate it if people could be more honest without me having to ask. and if you do care for me as a friend, please do not be considerate to the point you do not tell me what my flaws are when you see them. i will know your consideration in the manner that you tell me.
and another friend got slapped too. and sadly in a manner which does not befit her compassion and grace.
we are all human, and beautiful in our own ways. truly, we need to have our flaws and our weaknesses. but what matters is that we strive to achieve betterment and make our lives fulfilling despite the flaws. and what is sad, is that some people sometimes just don't bother.
so are these people beautiful too?
how her words ring true.
last night, i had conversations with two people. and the conversations left me distressed. but its not a bad kind of distress, just a thinking and reflective me.
those who know me will maybe say that i have certain qualities. though my bad side does come out occasionally, i generally portray a rather genial and approachable person, and one who has his thoughts sorted out and life figured out in his own way. and personally, i do try my best to live up to whatever expectations that people have of me, and it is a personal effort to make myself appear the best that i am to anyone.
but it hurts when somebody comes up to you, and tells you that cracks are showing. well, that was what happened last night. somebody told me that i had cracks and that he could read it. and i was shocked, affected. i mean all this while, i thought that i was covering my tracks pretty well, but it seems that i screwed up somewhere. and somebody got a whiff of my scent. to be honest, at that moment in time, i was devastated. appalled at myself for not being able to be that person that i am striving to be or at least give the impression that i am so on the way to becoming that person. we all want to be somewhere, be someone and we try.
but when somebody gives you that slap in the face, you lose your drive.
i got slapped last night. and its not that i am not thankful. but i would appreciate it if people could be more honest without me having to ask. and if you do care for me as a friend, please do not be considerate to the point you do not tell me what my flaws are when you see them. i will know your consideration in the manner that you tell me.
and another friend got slapped too. and sadly in a manner which does not befit her compassion and grace.
we are all human, and beautiful in our own ways. truly, we need to have our flaws and our weaknesses. but what matters is that we strive to achieve betterment and make our lives fulfilling despite the flaws. and what is sad, is that some people sometimes just don't bother.
so are these people beautiful too?
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
when movies wax philosophy
in my craze yesterday, i went to watch two movies, a day away from my first exam paper.
first up was into the mirror, a korean horror flick which was really not that bad. though not in the ju-on-ish standards of scaring the wits out of me, the use of mirrors in the movie was really really cool. it was built on the premise of alternate universes that exist on the other side of the mirror, and how an individual can be leading two different sides of life, well, on either side of the mirror. and they included freaky characters and twists to the whole plot, which made it very entertaining to watch. and a very satisfying twist at the end of it.
the second in line was the much hyped about passion of christ. i had to watch it because firstly it was suppose to be a portrayal of the last 10 days of Jesus, which i must say was a hell of a time. secondly i watched it for the language (the movie was scripted in aramaic and latin, and i found out that aramaic had very close similarities to arab, which made it even more entertaining). being someone who has an interest in the religious ways, i had to see how they portrayed the last ten days. and i admit, some of the scenes were truly very painful to see, especially the torture they carried out on Jesus. and i cried, because of the emotions that were carried across, the pain of a mother, the anguish of friends, and the whole-hearted sacrifice of a person. thank goodness, i know it was not what had truly happened. and that show too had a very satisfying ending.
they had not intended it to be anti-semitic. but i personally feel that the portrayal of the rabbis had to be done that way to up-play and really define the compassion and ultimately the sacrifice of Jesus. and i admit that i felt so much anger and hate towards the rabbis (in the show that is).
i love it when movies leave me with so much more than just simple viewing pleasure. when they tweak my mind and even more so, my emotions, it makes the money so much more worth it.
first up was into the mirror, a korean horror flick which was really not that bad. though not in the ju-on-ish standards of scaring the wits out of me, the use of mirrors in the movie was really really cool. it was built on the premise of alternate universes that exist on the other side of the mirror, and how an individual can be leading two different sides of life, well, on either side of the mirror. and they included freaky characters and twists to the whole plot, which made it very entertaining to watch. and a very satisfying twist at the end of it.
the second in line was the much hyped about passion of christ. i had to watch it because firstly it was suppose to be a portrayal of the last 10 days of Jesus, which i must say was a hell of a time. secondly i watched it for the language (the movie was scripted in aramaic and latin, and i found out that aramaic had very close similarities to arab, which made it even more entertaining). being someone who has an interest in the religious ways, i had to see how they portrayed the last ten days. and i admit, some of the scenes were truly very painful to see, especially the torture they carried out on Jesus. and i cried, because of the emotions that were carried across, the pain of a mother, the anguish of friends, and the whole-hearted sacrifice of a person. thank goodness, i know it was not what had truly happened. and that show too had a very satisfying ending.
they had not intended it to be anti-semitic. but i personally feel that the portrayal of the rabbis had to be done that way to up-play and really define the compassion and ultimately the sacrifice of Jesus. and i admit that i felt so much anger and hate towards the rabbis (in the show that is).
i love it when movies leave me with so much more than just simple viewing pleasure. when they tweak my mind and even more so, my emotions, it makes the money so much more worth it.
Saturday, April 17, 2004
shortlisted
life has a funny of sneaking up on you when you think everything's ok and everything's going right
and life has a funny of helping you out when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face...
Ironic - Alanis Morisette
first of all, my deepest gratitude to the Most High, for giving me the opportunity and keeping my hopes and dreams up...i sure hope that He will grant my wish and allow me to prove myself in a field where i will be able to interact with people...and at the same time, appreciate His gifts to us and help others...
i have been shortlisted for the OT course in NYP. and i hope that i will be able to follow through and give them the best that i can be. i believe that my prayers have been answered, but nothing is given for free, and i need to put in my effort here. and i will do my best i promise. its a life decision after all.
if things as planned, there will be many changes to the way i live. but i will gladly partake of them.
and a pleasant surprise indeed this has been, and i am very thankful.
to farida, if you are reading this: good luck for your side of the waiting game.
and to those who supported me and prayed for me, thank you...please keep it up till i am confirmed a place. it means so much to me.
and life has a funny of helping you out when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face...
Ironic - Alanis Morisette
first of all, my deepest gratitude to the Most High, for giving me the opportunity and keeping my hopes and dreams up...i sure hope that He will grant my wish and allow me to prove myself in a field where i will be able to interact with people...and at the same time, appreciate His gifts to us and help others...
i have been shortlisted for the OT course in NYP. and i hope that i will be able to follow through and give them the best that i can be. i believe that my prayers have been answered, but nothing is given for free, and i need to put in my effort here. and i will do my best i promise. its a life decision after all.
if things as planned, there will be many changes to the way i live. but i will gladly partake of them.
and a pleasant surprise indeed this has been, and i am very thankful.
to farida, if you are reading this: good luck for your side of the waiting game.
and to those who supported me and prayed for me, thank you...please keep it up till i am confirmed a place. it means so much to me.
Thursday, April 15, 2004
daughter from danang: the commentary
that first part was a narrative, so it was slightly long. but here now are my views and thoughts about the content of the documentary.
i was very moved by the whole piece. truly.
there could not be a more apt and concise portrayal of firstly,the cultural disparity between asians and americans and secondly, the effects of war. i am not blaming any one party for any fault. rather i am just truly saddened by the fact that they (the disparity and effects) exist, and in their existence, cause such pain to whichever party that has to bear the consequences.
it was unfortunate that they had to be separated. but look at the consequences. mother and child no longer see each other as what they are meant to be. and what really made me cry was the fact that there was not the slightest hint of an emotional bond between the daughter and the mother. war caused this. and the effects are irreversible. the child cannot appreciate the mother for who she is, and for her sacrifices. there is no love for the person who bore her and gave birth to her. and all the time, she could not understand what her mother was trying to say to her. and she makes no effort to understand. as it is, a mother's love is deeper than one can perceive superficially. but Heidi, lacking heart, could not see the pain that her mother felt, the pain when she had to give Heidi away, the pain of feeling unloved, the pain of her leaving the family once more, the pain of not hearing from her, the pain of the loss of a child. Heidi, as civilised as she was, could not see the tears that her mother shed in silence, awaiting for her reply and her acceptance. i felt the mother's pain, and i could totally empathise with the mother. understandably Heidi comes from America and is supposedly better educated and lives more luxuriously. but if she could not even bring herself to see her mother's pain, and in the very least, appreciate and reciprocate that love that her mother showed her with no qualms, i would have to say, that her education and her luxury, will mean nothing. so much for being progressive, she cannot even accept the condition of her family. and that is what made me very disappointed.
the cultural disparity was proven in this piece. the asian tradition and way of life is based on such a deep respect and love for the family, and respect and piety remains a priority in the life of many asians. giving back to the family is actually common-place practice among many races and religions, especially so if you are asian. this is one culture that i see that sets us apart from the westerners, who at some instances, show an utter lack of respect to the elders and to the family unit as a whole. Heidi demonstrated this albeit perhaps unconsciously. she was not willing to give back to the family, not that i would expect her to give all that she has. but a simple promise would have been sufficient. a simple word of acceptance and understanding and a willingness to attempt would have made her mother so happy. her mother was the one who understood her, rather than she understanding the plight of her family and the nature of their requests. like her family said, they may be materially poor, but their love is rich. that signals that all that they really want is for her to love them. if she could support them financially, she is welcome to. but if she could not, then her emotional presence and support would do more than enough to keep them going. but she would not even give them that chance. she would not give herself the chance to love her own family. and i think that is very very sad.
she did not even cry when her mother cried. well, now i am going to get prejudiced. i cannot stand children who do not appreciate their parents, especially the mother. and if a child is not moved by his mother crying, i really do not know what to think of him.
emo. sigh.
i was very moved by the whole piece. truly.
there could not be a more apt and concise portrayal of firstly,the cultural disparity between asians and americans and secondly, the effects of war. i am not blaming any one party for any fault. rather i am just truly saddened by the fact that they (the disparity and effects) exist, and in their existence, cause such pain to whichever party that has to bear the consequences.
it was unfortunate that they had to be separated. but look at the consequences. mother and child no longer see each other as what they are meant to be. and what really made me cry was the fact that there was not the slightest hint of an emotional bond between the daughter and the mother. war caused this. and the effects are irreversible. the child cannot appreciate the mother for who she is, and for her sacrifices. there is no love for the person who bore her and gave birth to her. and all the time, she could not understand what her mother was trying to say to her. and she makes no effort to understand. as it is, a mother's love is deeper than one can perceive superficially. but Heidi, lacking heart, could not see the pain that her mother felt, the pain when she had to give Heidi away, the pain of feeling unloved, the pain of her leaving the family once more, the pain of not hearing from her, the pain of the loss of a child. Heidi, as civilised as she was, could not see the tears that her mother shed in silence, awaiting for her reply and her acceptance. i felt the mother's pain, and i could totally empathise with the mother. understandably Heidi comes from America and is supposedly better educated and lives more luxuriously. but if she could not even bring herself to see her mother's pain, and in the very least, appreciate and reciprocate that love that her mother showed her with no qualms, i would have to say, that her education and her luxury, will mean nothing. so much for being progressive, she cannot even accept the condition of her family. and that is what made me very disappointed.
the cultural disparity was proven in this piece. the asian tradition and way of life is based on such a deep respect and love for the family, and respect and piety remains a priority in the life of many asians. giving back to the family is actually common-place practice among many races and religions, especially so if you are asian. this is one culture that i see that sets us apart from the westerners, who at some instances, show an utter lack of respect to the elders and to the family unit as a whole. Heidi demonstrated this albeit perhaps unconsciously. she was not willing to give back to the family, not that i would expect her to give all that she has. but a simple promise would have been sufficient. a simple word of acceptance and understanding and a willingness to attempt would have made her mother so happy. her mother was the one who understood her, rather than she understanding the plight of her family and the nature of their requests. like her family said, they may be materially poor, but their love is rich. that signals that all that they really want is for her to love them. if she could support them financially, she is welcome to. but if she could not, then her emotional presence and support would do more than enough to keep them going. but she would not even give them that chance. she would not give herself the chance to love her own family. and i think that is very very sad.
she did not even cry when her mother cried. well, now i am going to get prejudiced. i cannot stand children who do not appreciate their parents, especially the mother. and if a child is not moved by his mother crying, i really do not know what to think of him.
emo. sigh.
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
daughter from danang: the story
let me try to be very objective about the above mentioned documentary that i just saw on central. it was part of the singapore film festival, though not exactly a film by nature. but i guess it got through because of the emotional aspect of the piece, which by the way, got me tearing like a babe.
the piece featured an relatively unknown fact of the vietnam war. when the truce was reached, america proffered a gift request - of vietnamese orphans to be couriered over to america for a chance at a better life. the problem was that some of the supposed orphans, were not orphans at all. they were fathered by american soldiers, but for that, they were to be sent back as well. one of them was this girl called Hiep, whose mother still lives in Vietnam. but Hiep being brought to america, assimilated into the life and culture over there, took on a new name Heidi, and eventually had her own family.
but the memories of her past eventually caught up with her, and she had an overwhelming desire to return to Vietnam, and against the odds, find her mother and reunite with her long lost family of 22 years. the initial meeting was of course emotional. her mother broke down and kissed her over and over again. Heidi was brought back to family's residence where she spent the next few days learning and discovering for herself what she had missed the past 22 years.
Heidi came with her own ideas and perceptions as to how things were going to be. she had expected the meeting to be a beautiful and wondrous process, where finally, she could come to terms with who she was. her mother took her around the village, to the market, to the rice fields, to her family members, to her ancestral home. her mother tried to show her her heritage and assimilate her into her family, and i believe that she tried really hard.
but the first blow came to Heidi and shattered her picture-perfect impression of her family. when Heidi visited her sister, she gave her sister some money. unabashedly, the sister asked her for more so that she could support the education of her children. Heidi was taken aback by the blunt honesty of her sister. unfortunately, that was not all. Heidi grew increasingly discontented and disillusioned with the life in Vietnam, she being city and american bred and all that. she could not see herself adjusting to the life there, nor live with her family.
the final straw came when a few days before Heidi left, they had a family meeting. in that meeting, Heidi's brother asked if Heidi would be willing to bring her mother back to the US so that they could live together to perhaps catch up on times, make up for the time lost, and reignite the love between mother and child. and in the meantimes, since she was better off that all of them, they were wondering if Heidi could send some money back every month to help support their mother. Heidi was affronted by such a blatant demand and she left the meeting.
the next scene showed her crying, and saying that she could not do it. she could not take the ways of her family in Vietnam and that she just wanted to go home. And she wished she had never even dreamt of coming back, because her beautiful memories were now all shattered by the harsh reality.
before she left, she told her family, that she could not fulfill their expectations of her. and though she would "try her best", there were no promises. and her mother kissed her, saying that the kiss would keep Heidi's essence with her. she passed Heidi an envelope with the family's residence address and asked Heidi to keep in touch.
the documentary ended with Heidi back in america with her family, comfortable and not wanting to ever revisit that part of her life again. she received many letters from her family, but according to her, all were requests for financial aid.
she never replied to any of them.
the piece featured an relatively unknown fact of the vietnam war. when the truce was reached, america proffered a gift request - of vietnamese orphans to be couriered over to america for a chance at a better life. the problem was that some of the supposed orphans, were not orphans at all. they were fathered by american soldiers, but for that, they were to be sent back as well. one of them was this girl called Hiep, whose mother still lives in Vietnam. but Hiep being brought to america, assimilated into the life and culture over there, took on a new name Heidi, and eventually had her own family.
but the memories of her past eventually caught up with her, and she had an overwhelming desire to return to Vietnam, and against the odds, find her mother and reunite with her long lost family of 22 years. the initial meeting was of course emotional. her mother broke down and kissed her over and over again. Heidi was brought back to family's residence where she spent the next few days learning and discovering for herself what she had missed the past 22 years.
Heidi came with her own ideas and perceptions as to how things were going to be. she had expected the meeting to be a beautiful and wondrous process, where finally, she could come to terms with who she was. her mother took her around the village, to the market, to the rice fields, to her family members, to her ancestral home. her mother tried to show her her heritage and assimilate her into her family, and i believe that she tried really hard.
but the first blow came to Heidi and shattered her picture-perfect impression of her family. when Heidi visited her sister, she gave her sister some money. unabashedly, the sister asked her for more so that she could support the education of her children. Heidi was taken aback by the blunt honesty of her sister. unfortunately, that was not all. Heidi grew increasingly discontented and disillusioned with the life in Vietnam, she being city and american bred and all that. she could not see herself adjusting to the life there, nor live with her family.
the final straw came when a few days before Heidi left, they had a family meeting. in that meeting, Heidi's brother asked if Heidi would be willing to bring her mother back to the US so that they could live together to perhaps catch up on times, make up for the time lost, and reignite the love between mother and child. and in the meantimes, since she was better off that all of them, they were wondering if Heidi could send some money back every month to help support their mother. Heidi was affronted by such a blatant demand and she left the meeting.
the next scene showed her crying, and saying that she could not do it. she could not take the ways of her family in Vietnam and that she just wanted to go home. And she wished she had never even dreamt of coming back, because her beautiful memories were now all shattered by the harsh reality.
before she left, she told her family, that she could not fulfill their expectations of her. and though she would "try her best", there were no promises. and her mother kissed her, saying that the kiss would keep Heidi's essence with her. she passed Heidi an envelope with the family's residence address and asked Heidi to keep in touch.
the documentary ended with Heidi back in america with her family, comfortable and not wanting to ever revisit that part of her life again. she received many letters from her family, but according to her, all were requests for financial aid.
she never replied to any of them.
Monday, April 12, 2004
i hope you dance
i hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
whenever one door closes i hope one more opens
promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
and when you have the choice to give it up or dance
i hope you dance
Dance - Lee Ann Womack
it would be unfair if i left out a new experience which i had last saturday over at the cultural night. it was my first foray into the unknown world of tarian, or the malay dance form. and the whole experience was like a breath of fresh air.
unknown to me were the intricacies of the art. and unknown too, was the true expanse of the activists who have dedicated their lives to perfecting and furthering their appreciation of dance. well, on saturday, i got a glimpse of them all. and what a beautiful awareness it was.
words will not be able to adequately express what i felt on that day. what i learnt, saw and understood are perhaps only my own sentiments to ruminate.
but the one point that perhaps i would like to highlight after all that is, faith and love come together and sneak up on you to give the best surprises ever. i thought that i had lost a love and lost a part of my faith before this. then somehow, in the greater plan that is His, i got reminded of what and who i truly am.
i am not without love or faith.
through tarian, i rediscovered that other things can create love and heal me. and that in all that love, faith in Him can be re-ignited and become stronger than ever before. He is always around to remind you to look at the bigger picture.
and look i will.
whenever one door closes i hope one more opens
promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
and when you have the choice to give it up or dance
i hope you dance
Dance - Lee Ann Womack
it would be unfair if i left out a new experience which i had last saturday over at the cultural night. it was my first foray into the unknown world of tarian, or the malay dance form. and the whole experience was like a breath of fresh air.
unknown to me were the intricacies of the art. and unknown too, was the true expanse of the activists who have dedicated their lives to perfecting and furthering their appreciation of dance. well, on saturday, i got a glimpse of them all. and what a beautiful awareness it was.
words will not be able to adequately express what i felt on that day. what i learnt, saw and understood are perhaps only my own sentiments to ruminate.
but the one point that perhaps i would like to highlight after all that is, faith and love come together and sneak up on you to give the best surprises ever. i thought that i had lost a love and lost a part of my faith before this. then somehow, in the greater plan that is His, i got reminded of what and who i truly am.
i am not without love or faith.
through tarian, i rediscovered that other things can create love and heal me. and that in all that love, faith in Him can be re-ignited and become stronger than ever before. He is always around to remind you to look at the bigger picture.
and look i will.
Thursday, April 08, 2004
overwhelmed
I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me
Try, Folklore - Nelly Furtado
today was not a very good day for me. not good in a sense that i really do not what to make of it. while i was trying to cram my shit stuff into my brains for the exams, my mom had to make me reprimand my kid brother who is just in p6 for something that he did. i do not appreciate the times when i have to do such things, for they only serve to make me seem the bad guy. though i know that that is not the intention, i cannot help but feel so. as a brother, there are some things which i have to do, and as a son, those are the things that i have to take over from my parents at times. that i accept.
but sometimes, in the heat of the moment, you do things that you wish you hadn't. and you can't take them back no matter what you do. and that was exactly what happened. i treated my kid bro like an adult, and gave him things to feel really guilty about, responsibilities which shouldn't have been heaped upon him at this present moment. i totally forgot who i was talking to, and treated the whole affair as one of my counsel sessions. and it was not fair. not fair to my kid bro at all.
and i feel real bad for having stolen his childhood in that one instant.
and i do not know how to give that back to him.
i yearn for the innocence of a child, and the carefree-ness of such a life. and yet i took it away from someone i love, because i was not thinking.
i am overwhelmed by my regret for my deeds. i am overwhelmed by my depressed emotions. i am overwhelmed by the expectations that you have of me and the contradicting desires that push me. i am overwhelmed by the shoulds and the wants and the needs.
and i need to run away, or risk drowning in myself.
Thursday, April 01, 2004
coming to terms
i know i am not a perfect person. and neither do i act as if i am so. but to whosoever who thinks that i act that way, i apologise, and i would like to take the opportunity to state once again, that i am not perfect.
i am also, by the way, not the person you sometimes make me out to be. sometimes, i can say certain things, and carry myself with a certain flair, but that does not necessarily make me to be that person. circumstances and the environment can make me act differently, because one has to be adaptable and flexible to survive. but i do try to be as true to myself and to you as much as i can.
i may smile outside, but my insides may be bleeding from my self-inflicted wounds. i may speak well, but my inner voice is totally muted by the chaos that constantly erupts inside. i may seem calm and composed, but i am struggling to free myself from the shackles that bind my true being from living the way i want to.
i have come to terms with certain things that i will no longer be able to change, my past, my character, my behaviour, my mistakes, my life, my love, my faith.
i have come to terms with me.
i am not me. and i want to be me.
accept me.
i am also, by the way, not the person you sometimes make me out to be. sometimes, i can say certain things, and carry myself with a certain flair, but that does not necessarily make me to be that person. circumstances and the environment can make me act differently, because one has to be adaptable and flexible to survive. but i do try to be as true to myself and to you as much as i can.
i may smile outside, but my insides may be bleeding from my self-inflicted wounds. i may speak well, but my inner voice is totally muted by the chaos that constantly erupts inside. i may seem calm and composed, but i am struggling to free myself from the shackles that bind my true being from living the way i want to.
i have come to terms with certain things that i will no longer be able to change, my past, my character, my behaviour, my mistakes, my life, my love, my faith.
i have come to terms with me.
i am not me. and i want to be me.
accept me.
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
three times
three times i tried, and three times denied
three times i cried, and three times in spite
three times i yearned and sought
three times all came to naught
three times my heart was killed
and forever it may remain sealed
three times i cried, and three times in spite
three times i yearned and sought
three times all came to naught
three times my heart was killed
and forever it may remain sealed
Friday, March 26, 2004
sephia...what a song
Hey,Sephia
Malam ini ku takkan datang
Mencoba 'tuk berpaling sayang
Dari cintamu
Hey,Sephia
Malam ini ku takkan pulang
Tak usah kau mencari aku,
demi cintamu
Hadapilah ini
Kisah kita takkan abadi
Hey Sephia
I wont be coming tonight
I am trying to turn myself
Away from your love
Hey Sephia
I wont be returning tonight
Dont bother looking for me,
For the sake of your love
Face it,
Our love story will not last forever
S'lamat tidur kekasih gelap ku
S'moga cepat kau lupakan aku
Kekasih sejatimu takkan pernah sanggup
untuk melupakanmu
S'lamat tinggal kasih tak terungkap
S'moga kau lupakan aku cepat
Kekasih sejatimu takkan pernah sanggup
untuk meninggalkanmu
Goodnight my illicit lover
May you forget me with haste
For a true lover will never ever
Be able to forget you
Goodbye my unmentionable love
May you forget me with haste
For a true lover could never ever
Bring himself to leave you
Hey,Sephia
Jangan pernah panggil namaku
Bila kita bertemu lagi
Dilain hari
Hadapilah ini
Kisah kita takkan abadi
Hey Sephia,
Never ever call out my name
If ever we should meet
On occasion
Face it,
Our love story will never last forever
this is a song by indonesian band sheila on 7. i heard the song some time ago but i din really take notice of it. i actually only truly pay attention to songs when they are played with the right images at the right time. so while i was watching tv that day, they played the song as a trailer for an up-coming serial. and i got hooked.
and then as i was listening and looking at the lyrics, i realised that the song, while at first glance may appear to be typically lovey-dovey, i realised that it was actually not so. the song actually sings about an illicit affair which the protagonist no longer wishes to continue. and that he wants a clean break, with no traces that the love or affair ever took place between them. and this was a really refreshing outlook on love, where songs traditionally have been written proclaiming the sanctity and inviolability of love. love songs tended to carry a very stereotypical message, that true love will prevail, ideal in all senses, happy endings will follow...you know the story.
so a song about an affair gone sour(?) is indeed new. and it brings a new perspective to the jaded outlook that love songs convey.
so i give thumbs up for this song. i love it.
Malam ini ku takkan datang
Mencoba 'tuk berpaling sayang
Dari cintamu
Hey,Sephia
Malam ini ku takkan pulang
Tak usah kau mencari aku,
demi cintamu
Hadapilah ini
Kisah kita takkan abadi
Hey Sephia
I wont be coming tonight
I am trying to turn myself
Away from your love
Hey Sephia
I wont be returning tonight
Dont bother looking for me,
For the sake of your love
Face it,
Our love story will not last forever
S'lamat tidur kekasih gelap ku
S'moga cepat kau lupakan aku
Kekasih sejatimu takkan pernah sanggup
untuk melupakanmu
S'lamat tinggal kasih tak terungkap
S'moga kau lupakan aku cepat
Kekasih sejatimu takkan pernah sanggup
untuk meninggalkanmu
Goodnight my illicit lover
May you forget me with haste
For a true lover will never ever
Be able to forget you
Goodbye my unmentionable love
May you forget me with haste
For a true lover could never ever
Bring himself to leave you
Hey,Sephia
Jangan pernah panggil namaku
Bila kita bertemu lagi
Dilain hari
Hadapilah ini
Kisah kita takkan abadi
Hey Sephia,
Never ever call out my name
If ever we should meet
On occasion
Face it,
Our love story will never last forever
this is a song by indonesian band sheila on 7. i heard the song some time ago but i din really take notice of it. i actually only truly pay attention to songs when they are played with the right images at the right time. so while i was watching tv that day, they played the song as a trailer for an up-coming serial. and i got hooked.
and then as i was listening and looking at the lyrics, i realised that the song, while at first glance may appear to be typically lovey-dovey, i realised that it was actually not so. the song actually sings about an illicit affair which the protagonist no longer wishes to continue. and that he wants a clean break, with no traces that the love or affair ever took place between them. and this was a really refreshing outlook on love, where songs traditionally have been written proclaiming the sanctity and inviolability of love. love songs tended to carry a very stereotypical message, that true love will prevail, ideal in all senses, happy endings will follow...you know the story.
so a song about an affair gone sour(?) is indeed new. and it brings a new perspective to the jaded outlook that love songs convey.
so i give thumbs up for this song. i love it.
Thursday, March 18, 2004
giving up on you
i'm so tired that i can't sleep
standing on the edge of something much too deep
it's funny how i feel so much yet cannot say a word
we are screaming inside oh we can't be heard
i will remember you
will you remember me?
don't let your life pass you by
weep not for the memories
i am sorry but i give up. Let's just take it like we never had anything special between us. I regret it had to happen the way it did. Sorry for everything.
Be well.
So it has been said, so it shall be done.
Let this be my doom, for as long as it is ordained.
I will it pass, and so it shall.
and no more it shall be, as i tried to make it before.
but this time, no more is true, and will hold thus.
standing on the edge of something much too deep
it's funny how i feel so much yet cannot say a word
we are screaming inside oh we can't be heard
i will remember you
will you remember me?
don't let your life pass you by
weep not for the memories
i am sorry but i give up. Let's just take it like we never had anything special between us. I regret it had to happen the way it did. Sorry for everything.
Be well.
So it has been said, so it shall be done.
Let this be my doom, for as long as it is ordained.
I will it pass, and so it shall.
and no more it shall be, as i tried to make it before.
but this time, no more is true, and will hold thus.
prestige and practicality...friendship and enmity...melodrama of me
so so so...what has it come to now? me biting my fingers all day through just cos the future holds very uncertain things. i am damn sure that i do not want to ever do engine. but i am also damn sure that my parents will not be totally supportive. this decision i make is my own...truly my own. and i am left all alone to deliberate and to ruminate the possible effects of success or failure.
i will send in the application to occupational therapy, i might as well. but i should also be attending school in case i do not get it. but the lethargy of NTU has set in and rooted itself pretty well in me. i really dunno, because i really cannot stand the subjects anymore. and even if i do, i will be so far back that i might as well just take it all from the beginning, which i definitely do not want to.
and that is why i am biting my fingers, because like it or not, my exams are just too close for comfort. and these are exams that i have to take, like it or not. and i got to pretty much make sure that i make it through for it is still my back-up. sigh.
and i did try to make up. but there was just simply no response. so there.
do not say i did not try. and i will remind myself that i did try to no avail.
friendship ends? i do not know.
but frankly, it does not matter.
or does it?
i will send in the application to occupational therapy, i might as well. but i should also be attending school in case i do not get it. but the lethargy of NTU has set in and rooted itself pretty well in me. i really dunno, because i really cannot stand the subjects anymore. and even if i do, i will be so far back that i might as well just take it all from the beginning, which i definitely do not want to.
and that is why i am biting my fingers, because like it or not, my exams are just too close for comfort. and these are exams that i have to take, like it or not. and i got to pretty much make sure that i make it through for it is still my back-up. sigh.
and i did try to make up. but there was just simply no response. so there.
do not say i did not try. and i will remind myself that i did try to no avail.
friendship ends? i do not know.
but frankly, it does not matter.
or does it?
Monday, March 08, 2004
wisdom speaks to you, do you listen?
as you can perhaps infer from the tone of my blogs lately, i am kinda depressed...well, was kinda depressed. but last night, i had this really really good talk with an angel, and she reminded me that i needed to love myself more before i go around loving others...since i will only have myself to blame if at the end of the day, i find myself crying.
i should learn to unexpect, rather than hope for things to happen. i should take good care of my soul, since they will not take care of it for me. i should not be obliged, rather i should want to. because in obligation there is expectation of return, but in wanting, there is just free giving. i must learn to smile at myself despite what others say or think, and i must learn to hold myself together despite what others do to bring or break me down.
if they do not appreciate me, i can always appreciate myself. if they do not love me, all the more i should love myself. it's not their fault if they cannot give back to me, but it's not mine either should i decide to stop giving. in that i will take heart.
the wisdom of an angel spoke to me and made me smile. the wisdom of an angel brought me up from my sorrow and gloom, and ignited that spirit again. to that angel, soon to be reborn, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
when wisdom speaks, listen.
i should learn to unexpect, rather than hope for things to happen. i should take good care of my soul, since they will not take care of it for me. i should not be obliged, rather i should want to. because in obligation there is expectation of return, but in wanting, there is just free giving. i must learn to smile at myself despite what others say or think, and i must learn to hold myself together despite what others do to bring or break me down.
if they do not appreciate me, i can always appreciate myself. if they do not love me, all the more i should love myself. it's not their fault if they cannot give back to me, but it's not mine either should i decide to stop giving. in that i will take heart.
the wisdom of an angel spoke to me and made me smile. the wisdom of an angel brought me up from my sorrow and gloom, and ignited that spirit again. to that angel, soon to be reborn, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
when wisdom speaks, listen.
Saturday, March 06, 2004
all falling through part 3
the fleetingness of life
in memoriam of 3 souls whose passed in the months of january, february and march.
shuhairi's father, johari's father, and hafidz's sister.
God bless their souls and place them among His lovers, and grant them the much-needed respite from this cruel world. Amin.
just a reminder to me of how short life is, and how very fast everything can fly by, and how certain things should be cherished and held close for all time.
certain things like love.
all my plans, all falling through, will i ever love, in spite of you?
in memoriam of 3 souls whose passed in the months of january, february and march.
shuhairi's father, johari's father, and hafidz's sister.
God bless their souls and place them among His lovers, and grant them the much-needed respite from this cruel world. Amin.
just a reminder to me of how short life is, and how very fast everything can fly by, and how certain things should be cherished and held close for all time.
certain things like love.
all my plans, all falling through, will i ever love, in spite of you?
all falling through part 2
friendship and finances.
i thought that i had found the perfect group of people that i could share my secrets and concerns and worries and thoughts with. i thought that these people would actually be the one group among the many that i have, that would actually last me for the years that have been, the years that are, and the years that shall be. it all began so beautifully when we were all in secondary school. nine years it has been, and i had hoped that it would last for nine times that. when the first cracks appeared among other members in secondary school, i had thought that it was only temporary, and that all would be ok again in a few days. but that was not to be. those who sundered, remained so till today.
and in my fear and sorrow, i actually pledged to make myself the one constant force that would always withstand whatever changes that occur. i would be the one they could always turn to, to seek support, to seek counsel, to seek respite no matter what they did or how long they turn away from the circle. i would be that stone that keeps everything in place, and that stone everyone could lean on. and so that position i kept, and that attitude i stood by for the nine years that has passed.
but nine years is not a short time, and in nine years many things can change. i have come to accept that people change, either subtly or drastically, but that change does occur. this is nature. and my attitude in remaining the stubborn block that refuses to embrace change, will in due time, bite me when i least expect it. when i least want it to. and it has. and i feel the extreme pain of being hurt by myself, and those whom i strove to serve.
the love that i had dedicated, has finally worn itself out, a situation i never expected could happen. and i have lost faith in that kind of love. my dearest is lost to me, and my friends are no longer what they were before, both in their value to me, and to how they appear to me. the one closest to me, i shall not subject to my love because i do not wish for history to repeat itself. and the others, will never be able to appreciate me for who i truly can be, for i am shutting that part of me down, for the sake of myself and everyone around me.
all my plans, all falling through. all my friends aren't who they were, fool.
finances are killing me. killing me. killing me. money makes the world go round? money makes mine tumble upside down.
i thought that i had found the perfect group of people that i could share my secrets and concerns and worries and thoughts with. i thought that these people would actually be the one group among the many that i have, that would actually last me for the years that have been, the years that are, and the years that shall be. it all began so beautifully when we were all in secondary school. nine years it has been, and i had hoped that it would last for nine times that. when the first cracks appeared among other members in secondary school, i had thought that it was only temporary, and that all would be ok again in a few days. but that was not to be. those who sundered, remained so till today.
and in my fear and sorrow, i actually pledged to make myself the one constant force that would always withstand whatever changes that occur. i would be the one they could always turn to, to seek support, to seek counsel, to seek respite no matter what they did or how long they turn away from the circle. i would be that stone that keeps everything in place, and that stone everyone could lean on. and so that position i kept, and that attitude i stood by for the nine years that has passed.
but nine years is not a short time, and in nine years many things can change. i have come to accept that people change, either subtly or drastically, but that change does occur. this is nature. and my attitude in remaining the stubborn block that refuses to embrace change, will in due time, bite me when i least expect it. when i least want it to. and it has. and i feel the extreme pain of being hurt by myself, and those whom i strove to serve.
the love that i had dedicated, has finally worn itself out, a situation i never expected could happen. and i have lost faith in that kind of love. my dearest is lost to me, and my friends are no longer what they were before, both in their value to me, and to how they appear to me. the one closest to me, i shall not subject to my love because i do not wish for history to repeat itself. and the others, will never be able to appreciate me for who i truly can be, for i am shutting that part of me down, for the sake of myself and everyone around me.
all my plans, all falling through. all my friends aren't who they were, fool.
finances are killing me. killing me. killing me. money makes the world go round? money makes mine tumble upside down.
Friday, March 05, 2004
all falling through part 1
I shall separate this entry into a few portions. the first shall be my attempt to portray my appeal case to change my course of study, and the consequences of my appeal.
the second part shall cover my woes in friendship and finance.
the third part shall be a memoriam to three souls who passed into the next life.
so here goes.
i will begin with a transcript of the letter i gave to the Dean, with regards to my desire to undertake a course of study in SCI.
I am (name withheld), matriculation no. (withheld), from the School of Engineering (First Year). I am writing to inform you of my wish to transfer from my current course of study to the Communications and Information Studies course offered by SCI. Under the advice of my senior who is currently in her final year in SCI, I have decided to correspond directly with you in hope that your awareness will help facilitate the appeal process.
Sir, I appeal to you based on the following reasons. I believe that passion for the learning must exist before one can truly enjoy the education process. While I initially opted to study engineering, it was my heart’s calling to engage in a more social aspect of learning, a field of learning where I can be greatly exposed to society and the interaction between people. Indeed, many of my peers have reflected back to me that I was more suited for social sciences rather than engineering. They could not actually perceive me as an engineer. However, for some reasons, I went against the more logical and appealing choice and opted for engineering.
My fallacy proved itself in my first semester’s examinations results. I express my deepest regrets for not performing up to par for my examinations and I was deeply affected at having to face such depressing results. I fear that my morale would be further diminished if I were to continue in a course of study for which I have no heart to pursue. I do not wish to persist in this injustice that I had brought upon myself. I felt that I should seriously reconsider my future path and if necessary, rectify the matter as soon as possible. And that is why I have come to the decision to change courses.
I have heard from my Communication Skills tutor, (name withheld), that SCI has a different learning environment than that of School of Engineering. The lecturers and tutors are creative in their educational approach and they make learning ever so interesting. I would greatly desire to partake in such a vibrant environment which, undoubtedly, is more synonymous with my character and interests. And my tutor has kindly written a testimonial in support of my appeal, which you would find attached to this letter. Also attached are several other testimonials from my previous institutions of study which I hope will serve to strengthen my case.
Sir, university education is meant to prepare oneself for the life ahead and the career choices that one can make. Truthfully, I do not foresee myself in the engineering industry as I simply do not feel an affinity for it. On the other hand, being a very social person, I am more at ease with working with people and learning about them. My passion for writing, for meeting with people, for communications, cannot go unfelt and unanswered. And I firmly believe that SCI can definitely provide me with the knowledge and skills to develop my passion further and leave me fulfilled at the end of my term of study, while helping me achieve my aspirations in time to come.
Sir, I sincerely hope that you will regard my appeal with adequate attention, kindness and understanding. And I hope that you would assist in the expedient facilitation of my request. Please do allow me to present my case personally if you require any clarifications. I will be most open to an interview if the need arises.
I look forward to hearing a positive reply from you.
Thank you for your attention.
the initial response was rather encouraging. they actually prepared a test and an interview for me to go through. while the test went fine, the interview was to me a killer. i was unprepared for the cold audience that i was to face and the even colder shoulders that i was to rub. well, in the end, they decided that i was undeserving. so in an attempt to get the last laugh, i wrote in to the Dean once again expressing my regret.
I would like to express my deepest regrets for my inability to contribute to SCI in future, since my appeal has, quite unfortunately, been turned down.
It was, and still greatly is, my desire to be able to learn skills and knowledge that is closer to heart - skills that I felt could be provided and nurtured for by the educators at SCI. However, in my attempt to impress, I guess I forgot to prepare the things that were crucial to my successful appeal - my selling points as a potential student at SCI. And for that, I am truly disappointed in myself. I guess I have let myself down again.
But before I retreat back to my life as an engineering student, albeit unwillingly, perhaps I could entreat a few points that I observed on hindsight.
Firstly, the aptitude test that I had to sit for prior to the interview. The test assessed my abilities in vocabulary, news-editing and news-writing. I am surprised that I was actually tested for skills that I would have learnt and obtained had I been a student in SCI, but not as a "layman" to journalism. Don't you think that it is rather unfair, that if I obtained a poor grading on that test, it would be because I was unprepared as I was not initially taught the skills? The reason I appealed was so my desire to learn journalistic writing could be adequately addressed and so that I could receive whatever guidance that the tutors could provide. However, I have found myself in a position where I shall not even be given a chance to develop this passion and desire that I have.
Secondly, the interview session. While I have to agree that the interview had to be gruelling, and that being communication professors, the panel of interviewers were really cut out for what they did, I do not find it kind of them to have put me down by bringing up the issue that by virtue of my past results, I should have been denied any chances at all to enter SCI. Sir, surely as communicators, they would understand that the word "appeal" itself means a request that is made out of the normal frame or criteria that one is normally subjected to. And as it is, I have "appealed" on the basis of my desire, and the potential that I can see in myself and that you all at SCI also would, if only you would let me prove myself. I can see and I do see for myself that my results are not sufficient to qualify me. But I asked by virtue of passion, and potential, that I be accepted into SCI. I have nothing else, but my whole self to give and prove that I am worthy. But apparently, the panel of interviewers, with their "What's the headlines of today's newspapers?" and their expectations of me to possess a photographic memory of everything that I have read, did not deem me worthy of any chances at all. So I shall be left like a floundering fish on the sands of the shore, while the sea beckons but never truly embracing me with the life I need.
I do not intend any disrespect to any of the parties involved in my appeal case. I thank them once again for their time and trouble.
And my respects and gratitude to you Sir, without whom I would not even have had the chance for this liaison.
Sadly though, my disappointment at being rejected might be the only memory that I would have of SCI in times to come.
With deepest regrets
well, so my appeal fell through my fingers, just as everything is falling through them. i was greatly saddened, but Ratna told me that i actually should look to the bigger picture, and that there may be a silver lining to it all. well dear, i am still looking for it. my disappointment actually goes beyond myself, and i am grieved that i feel this way towards whoever it is.
and when my parents found out, they were saying that it was alright. but as i just found out, they were not actually happy that i wanted to change courses. which only verified my train of thoughts and assumptions. they want me to do engineering, or at least something just as prestigious. i brought up another option that i could take, and that was the occupational therapy diploma. but my mom was not too keen, and she counter-suggested that i retake my a levels and take medicine after that.
all my plans, all falling through. all my dreams, shattered by the cruel.
the second part shall cover my woes in friendship and finance.
the third part shall be a memoriam to three souls who passed into the next life.
so here goes.
i will begin with a transcript of the letter i gave to the Dean, with regards to my desire to undertake a course of study in SCI.
I am (name withheld), matriculation no. (withheld), from the School of Engineering (First Year). I am writing to inform you of my wish to transfer from my current course of study to the Communications and Information Studies course offered by SCI. Under the advice of my senior who is currently in her final year in SCI, I have decided to correspond directly with you in hope that your awareness will help facilitate the appeal process.
Sir, I appeal to you based on the following reasons. I believe that passion for the learning must exist before one can truly enjoy the education process. While I initially opted to study engineering, it was my heart’s calling to engage in a more social aspect of learning, a field of learning where I can be greatly exposed to society and the interaction between people. Indeed, many of my peers have reflected back to me that I was more suited for social sciences rather than engineering. They could not actually perceive me as an engineer. However, for some reasons, I went against the more logical and appealing choice and opted for engineering.
My fallacy proved itself in my first semester’s examinations results. I express my deepest regrets for not performing up to par for my examinations and I was deeply affected at having to face such depressing results. I fear that my morale would be further diminished if I were to continue in a course of study for which I have no heart to pursue. I do not wish to persist in this injustice that I had brought upon myself. I felt that I should seriously reconsider my future path and if necessary, rectify the matter as soon as possible. And that is why I have come to the decision to change courses.
I have heard from my Communication Skills tutor, (name withheld), that SCI has a different learning environment than that of School of Engineering. The lecturers and tutors are creative in their educational approach and they make learning ever so interesting. I would greatly desire to partake in such a vibrant environment which, undoubtedly, is more synonymous with my character and interests. And my tutor has kindly written a testimonial in support of my appeal, which you would find attached to this letter. Also attached are several other testimonials from my previous institutions of study which I hope will serve to strengthen my case.
Sir, university education is meant to prepare oneself for the life ahead and the career choices that one can make. Truthfully, I do not foresee myself in the engineering industry as I simply do not feel an affinity for it. On the other hand, being a very social person, I am more at ease with working with people and learning about them. My passion for writing, for meeting with people, for communications, cannot go unfelt and unanswered. And I firmly believe that SCI can definitely provide me with the knowledge and skills to develop my passion further and leave me fulfilled at the end of my term of study, while helping me achieve my aspirations in time to come.
Sir, I sincerely hope that you will regard my appeal with adequate attention, kindness and understanding. And I hope that you would assist in the expedient facilitation of my request. Please do allow me to present my case personally if you require any clarifications. I will be most open to an interview if the need arises.
I look forward to hearing a positive reply from you.
Thank you for your attention.
the initial response was rather encouraging. they actually prepared a test and an interview for me to go through. while the test went fine, the interview was to me a killer. i was unprepared for the cold audience that i was to face and the even colder shoulders that i was to rub. well, in the end, they decided that i was undeserving. so in an attempt to get the last laugh, i wrote in to the Dean once again expressing my regret.
I would like to express my deepest regrets for my inability to contribute to SCI in future, since my appeal has, quite unfortunately, been turned down.
It was, and still greatly is, my desire to be able to learn skills and knowledge that is closer to heart - skills that I felt could be provided and nurtured for by the educators at SCI. However, in my attempt to impress, I guess I forgot to prepare the things that were crucial to my successful appeal - my selling points as a potential student at SCI. And for that, I am truly disappointed in myself. I guess I have let myself down again.
But before I retreat back to my life as an engineering student, albeit unwillingly, perhaps I could entreat a few points that I observed on hindsight.
Firstly, the aptitude test that I had to sit for prior to the interview. The test assessed my abilities in vocabulary, news-editing and news-writing. I am surprised that I was actually tested for skills that I would have learnt and obtained had I been a student in SCI, but not as a "layman" to journalism. Don't you think that it is rather unfair, that if I obtained a poor grading on that test, it would be because I was unprepared as I was not initially taught the skills? The reason I appealed was so my desire to learn journalistic writing could be adequately addressed and so that I could receive whatever guidance that the tutors could provide. However, I have found myself in a position where I shall not even be given a chance to develop this passion and desire that I have.
Secondly, the interview session. While I have to agree that the interview had to be gruelling, and that being communication professors, the panel of interviewers were really cut out for what they did, I do not find it kind of them to have put me down by bringing up the issue that by virtue of my past results, I should have been denied any chances at all to enter SCI. Sir, surely as communicators, they would understand that the word "appeal" itself means a request that is made out of the normal frame or criteria that one is normally subjected to. And as it is, I have "appealed" on the basis of my desire, and the potential that I can see in myself and that you all at SCI also would, if only you would let me prove myself. I can see and I do see for myself that my results are not sufficient to qualify me. But I asked by virtue of passion, and potential, that I be accepted into SCI. I have nothing else, but my whole self to give and prove that I am worthy. But apparently, the panel of interviewers, with their "What's the headlines of today's newspapers?" and their expectations of me to possess a photographic memory of everything that I have read, did not deem me worthy of any chances at all. So I shall be left like a floundering fish on the sands of the shore, while the sea beckons but never truly embracing me with the life I need.
I do not intend any disrespect to any of the parties involved in my appeal case. I thank them once again for their time and trouble.
And my respects and gratitude to you Sir, without whom I would not even have had the chance for this liaison.
Sadly though, my disappointment at being rejected might be the only memory that I would have of SCI in times to come.
With deepest regrets
well, so my appeal fell through my fingers, just as everything is falling through them. i was greatly saddened, but Ratna told me that i actually should look to the bigger picture, and that there may be a silver lining to it all. well dear, i am still looking for it. my disappointment actually goes beyond myself, and i am grieved that i feel this way towards whoever it is.
and when my parents found out, they were saying that it was alright. but as i just found out, they were not actually happy that i wanted to change courses. which only verified my train of thoughts and assumptions. they want me to do engineering, or at least something just as prestigious. i brought up another option that i could take, and that was the occupational therapy diploma. but my mom was not too keen, and she counter-suggested that i retake my a levels and take medicine after that.
all my plans, all falling through. all my dreams, shattered by the cruel.
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
and hypocrite, i am
you know, this all is getting to sound a lot similar to what i wrote in my diary...the same themes, the same people, the same emotional outbursts and baggage... but since i never tire of it (or i hope i do not, otherwise this blog will cease to exist), i guess you just have to bear with my crap.
well, the most recent spat that i have has reached a peak. with me confronting him, totally going against what i said i will not do. i promised myself to be indifferent and carefree, and not be affected. and i was going on just fine, until a friend said that he thought i was pissed off at him. in my typical need-to-be-on-top-and-oh-so-noble-and-refined-and-in-the-right manner, i gave him a message, stating my not-pissed off state, but rather my unreactive state of being to his antagonistic ways.
and he apologised at apparently having misread me, though i think in truth, we both know that i am somewhat pissed. and he "excused" himself by saying that he too was taking "time off to be alone to think shit through." yah, ok, whatever. it did not really matter to me what he said, that part is true. but i just had to make my stand that i was not at fault, as always.
hypocrite, i am by two counts.
first i said that i do not care; but in fact i do, to protect me as the good guy.
second i said i no longer care; but in fact i still do, love lives still in me.
so, hypocrite, i am.
well, the most recent spat that i have has reached a peak. with me confronting him, totally going against what i said i will not do. i promised myself to be indifferent and carefree, and not be affected. and i was going on just fine, until a friend said that he thought i was pissed off at him. in my typical need-to-be-on-top-and-oh-so-noble-and-refined-and-in-the-right manner, i gave him a message, stating my not-pissed off state, but rather my unreactive state of being to his antagonistic ways.
and he apologised at apparently having misread me, though i think in truth, we both know that i am somewhat pissed. and he "excused" himself by saying that he too was taking "time off to be alone to think shit through." yah, ok, whatever. it did not really matter to me what he said, that part is true. but i just had to make my stand that i was not at fault, as always.
hypocrite, i am by two counts.
first i said that i do not care; but in fact i do, to protect me as the good guy.
second i said i no longer care; but in fact i still do, love lives still in me.
so, hypocrite, i am.
the worth of regrets
I did something i should not have done this morning. I slammed the door on my innocent mother who was just trying to bring to my attention what an idiot had done. I vented my anger on her when she did not deserve it. and i should not have. she did not deserve it. how could i have been just simply unthinking and done that?
my sister then messaged me and told me that i should not have done it. believe me, i know i should not have. but the deed's been done, and i cannot take it back. and i am sorry about what i did, and how it reflects on me, but i cannot take back that one impression that i made on my mom, and in my own mind. what the hell was i, as a son, thinking of when i followed my emotions and acted rudely towards the person who bore me up and gave me my life?
but what can i do?
it has been done.
sorry for it, but sorry doesn't mean anything much does it?
my regrets do not really take away the pain that my mother felt when i behaved unjustly.
sorry sorry sorry.
i cannot do anything much.
i feel exactly now like that idiot whom she was telling me about. and i curse that idiot because his deed made me be rude to my mother.
i curse him with an endless regret, that will only bring him pain and suffering, ever-increasing.
let him feel the worthlessness of regret.
my sister then messaged me and told me that i should not have done it. believe me, i know i should not have. but the deed's been done, and i cannot take it back. and i am sorry about what i did, and how it reflects on me, but i cannot take back that one impression that i made on my mom, and in my own mind. what the hell was i, as a son, thinking of when i followed my emotions and acted rudely towards the person who bore me up and gave me my life?
but what can i do?
it has been done.
sorry for it, but sorry doesn't mean anything much does it?
my regrets do not really take away the pain that my mother felt when i behaved unjustly.
sorry sorry sorry.
i cannot do anything much.
i feel exactly now like that idiot whom she was telling me about. and i curse that idiot because his deed made me be rude to my mother.
i curse him with an endless regret, that will only bring him pain and suffering, ever-increasing.
let him feel the worthlessness of regret.
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
of apologies and solitude
what is the use of apologies if one does not learn from one's mistake? why even bother repeating that word sorry, when all that it entails is a repetition of the deed that warranted it? why demean and de-value that sincere word which could save oneself from condemnation? why say it when you do not mean it? why do you trust that it will make everything ok again, when you yourself do not believe in its true value and live by it? why even bother?
and why do you claim to be alone when that solitude is self-imposed? why claim that you are alone, when that loneliness you bring upon yourself as an effect to your actions? why do you enoble that state of being which only arose from your lack of grace? you justify your ways by justifying your feeble self.
you really think too highly of yourself.
you are really, simply not worth it.
and why do you claim to be alone when that solitude is self-imposed? why claim that you are alone, when that loneliness you bring upon yourself as an effect to your actions? why do you enoble that state of being which only arose from your lack of grace? you justify your ways by justifying your feeble self.
you really think too highly of yourself.
you are really, simply not worth it.
Monday, February 16, 2004
all flying away...
it is monday, and as of today two friends are away to australia...not coming back for a period of time...sad for me...and these two friends have in their time with me proven to be special in their own ways...the short guy has been rather irritating at times, but proven to be some sort of comic relief in the drabness of business life...and the tall girl has been no less of a good conversationalist and enlightening companion... and though time has been short between us, it has proven to be most fruitful in bearing my love for them... thank you, take care and study hard...till fate decrees we meet again. and to my ex-twin who's a hunk now...hahaha..be good and we'll miss you lots...don't be naughty down under...hahahhaha...what a pun...
well, talking about all flying away, i realise that i no longer crave for certain things and that i am more or less feeling rather ilked by the thought of my past desires. and since its all going away right, i am going to go with the flow, and just keep those cravings away. i dun want to be caught up in that web of apathy and unreciprocrated love anymore. it just all seems so meaningless to me now...
but at the same time, i do not want to lose myself in my own tide of carefree-ness. but me being me, i might just get carried away.
thank goodness for those who are my roots and keep me from being "gone with the wind".
hahahaha...i crack myself up at my analogies.
well, talking about all flying away, i realise that i no longer crave for certain things and that i am more or less feeling rather ilked by the thought of my past desires. and since its all going away right, i am going to go with the flow, and just keep those cravings away. i dun want to be caught up in that web of apathy and unreciprocrated love anymore. it just all seems so meaningless to me now...
but at the same time, i do not want to lose myself in my own tide of carefree-ness. but me being me, i might just get carried away.
thank goodness for those who are my roots and keep me from being "gone with the wind".
hahahaha...i crack myself up at my analogies.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
overstepping the boundaries
i place limits on myself so that i will not transgress whatever principles i have set in my actions and behaviour. and one of the most important limits that i have placed is the limit to my following emotions till it hurts people.
well, yesterday, being the emotional day that it was, left me with a really bad headache, which did not seem to subside even as the day passed. and all my planning for the time did not fall through, how i was supposed to spend my time dancing and then going for supper.
well, the absence for the dance was because of an insult which i took too personally, when the guy already said that he only meant it as a joke...and that he would support me if i took part in anything. but i chose to carry my emotions too far, and as a result, i did not go. i affected the two who did, and made one of them really pissed. for which i am sorry.
and since i did not go for the dance, and foreseeing the state of emotions that the two would be in, i decided against the supper as well.
but as it happened, the dance went very well, and the supper happened as well. and without me. i mean it is good that they can go on without me, because that is what i would have happen rather than having them being affected and cancelling plans altogether when i was the one with the mood swings. but it made me feel bad that i made a promise, or rather sort of gave my word, but then did not hold on to it. in that, i overstepped my boundaries.
but with respect to that someone, well, we had a meeting just now. and it was ever so apparent how apathetic that someone was. and i realised that i was actually affected by it. when i should not be. and i will try to not be. however, even a very close companion said that he could only sense a very superficial level of relationship with that someone when i brought up the issue.
which says that it is not my fault for feeling like this.
and that i am not overstepping my boundaries.
i like feeling correct.
well, yesterday, being the emotional day that it was, left me with a really bad headache, which did not seem to subside even as the day passed. and all my planning for the time did not fall through, how i was supposed to spend my time dancing and then going for supper.
well, the absence for the dance was because of an insult which i took too personally, when the guy already said that he only meant it as a joke...and that he would support me if i took part in anything. but i chose to carry my emotions too far, and as a result, i did not go. i affected the two who did, and made one of them really pissed. for which i am sorry.
and since i did not go for the dance, and foreseeing the state of emotions that the two would be in, i decided against the supper as well.
but as it happened, the dance went very well, and the supper happened as well. and without me. i mean it is good that they can go on without me, because that is what i would have happen rather than having them being affected and cancelling plans altogether when i was the one with the mood swings. but it made me feel bad that i made a promise, or rather sort of gave my word, but then did not hold on to it. in that, i overstepped my boundaries.
but with respect to that someone, well, we had a meeting just now. and it was ever so apparent how apathetic that someone was. and i realised that i was actually affected by it. when i should not be. and i will try to not be. however, even a very close companion said that he could only sense a very superficial level of relationship with that someone when i brought up the issue.
which says that it is not my fault for feeling like this.
and that i am not overstepping my boundaries.
i like feeling correct.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
bleargh
it's valentine's day and to all those who have their love out there, happy valentine's day. hold on and never lose faith in that dream and love, lest you become like me.
well, i am stuck at home since morning. though the day was initially full of plans, now i have made the whole day seem so empty and wasted. was supposed to go and meet my friends for a dance and then supper session in the afternoon, so i spent the better half of the morning sleeping in and watching cartoons and having breakfast.
then noon approached and i went online to chat with another group of friends, and told them my plans for the day. when they heard i was going to dance, they made some comments i would rather help myself forget. well, to them, i say thanks for the encouragement and support. well, for them, i made the decision to not go for the dance practice. and my whole day is now spoilt. i do not even feel like going for the supper now. all i want to do is to stay in my sanctuary, away from everyone who are so kind and loving.
i used to let these useless comments just pass me by. i used to stand strong and face whatever criticism with a smile. but lately, i have lost the strength to fight. and i am fearing that i am even losing my self-confidence. in my bid to not care, i know that i am not caring about other people in terms of the shit that they bring upon themselves, but am i also not suppose to care about what people say to me? i mean that has been a strength of mine, but i guess i am taking a really deviated approach to my life now.
which leaves me with a bad aftertaste in my mental mouth.
BLEARGH
well, i am stuck at home since morning. though the day was initially full of plans, now i have made the whole day seem so empty and wasted. was supposed to go and meet my friends for a dance and then supper session in the afternoon, so i spent the better half of the morning sleeping in and watching cartoons and having breakfast.
then noon approached and i went online to chat with another group of friends, and told them my plans for the day. when they heard i was going to dance, they made some comments i would rather help myself forget. well, to them, i say thanks for the encouragement and support. well, for them, i made the decision to not go for the dance practice. and my whole day is now spoilt. i do not even feel like going for the supper now. all i want to do is to stay in my sanctuary, away from everyone who are so kind and loving.
i used to let these useless comments just pass me by. i used to stand strong and face whatever criticism with a smile. but lately, i have lost the strength to fight. and i am fearing that i am even losing my self-confidence. in my bid to not care, i know that i am not caring about other people in terms of the shit that they bring upon themselves, but am i also not suppose to care about what people say to me? i mean that has been a strength of mine, but i guess i am taking a really deviated approach to my life now.
which leaves me with a bad aftertaste in my mental mouth.
BLEARGH
Thursday, February 12, 2004
and so...?
oops, i realised i sidetracked there.
back to my jadedness and Moulin Rouge.
well, so because of these selfish people, i have sort of become jaded. and i am in the process of becoming even more so, as i seek to protect myself from being hurt. to whom it may concern, good luck to you when you face me then. there was a time when i gave you chances, but i did not really see you taking good opportunity to reflect and change. everytime, all you said was that you wanted to change, but sadly the change was temporary.
it is difficult to change one's own character, i admit. even i have flaws which i would gladly trade for better virtues. but at least i can live with it. and unfortunately for either of us, you can live with your flaws too. and i will not make any more effort to try to change you. i have to accept that which i refused to accept many times before. that perhaps we are incompatible socially. so there. you can take yourself somewhere else or to someone else who will bear your faults with greater patience than i, and hopefully you find respite there.
so Moulin Rouge is no more a perfectly touching love story, it is just a fleeting imaginary impression of a love that can never exist here in the real world.
back to my jadedness and Moulin Rouge.
well, so because of these selfish people, i have sort of become jaded. and i am in the process of becoming even more so, as i seek to protect myself from being hurt. to whom it may concern, good luck to you when you face me then. there was a time when i gave you chances, but i did not really see you taking good opportunity to reflect and change. everytime, all you said was that you wanted to change, but sadly the change was temporary.
it is difficult to change one's own character, i admit. even i have flaws which i would gladly trade for better virtues. but at least i can live with it. and unfortunately for either of us, you can live with your flaws too. and i will not make any more effort to try to change you. i have to accept that which i refused to accept many times before. that perhaps we are incompatible socially. so there. you can take yourself somewhere else or to someone else who will bear your faults with greater patience than i, and hopefully you find respite there.
so Moulin Rouge is no more a perfectly touching love story, it is just a fleeting imaginary impression of a love that can never exist here in the real world.
reminiscence
in a few days' time they are going to show the enchantingly beautiful Moulin Rouge on tv for valentine's day.
and i was too eager to watch it again, and could not wait. so i watched the one which i had on my computer. the show used to evoke a sense of longing in me. for a love that is pure and unadulterated, a love that will overcome all obstacles, a love that will bring two souls together in the most divine experience, that will leave both parties utterly breathless, a love that will never be able to bring forth words in description.
love.
but at the last viewing of it, somehow, i just did not feel that which i used to feel. the craving and yearning for that sense of emotion was not there. i used to cry watching it, because i could relate to it. or at least i thought i could. now, it all seems just too perfect and too impossible. i do not think that it is me that is jaded, but then again, i could be.
i used to be able to see all things in their beauty and appreciate fully the implications and value that they possess. but now, it is like i am blurred and clouded in my appreciation. i have been hardened by some things that have transpired in the past weeks, where my heart, slighted the number of times that it was, has grown rather cold. i tire of giving to others when others do not give back just as wholly. and i tire of that tired feeling. a problem persistent among many people is that they are selfish. but in their selfishness, they are protected from their emotions. but in my generosity of giving my heart to people, i expose myself, leaving me vulnerable to the words and actions of people. and my foolish ways lead me to people who are selfish. its almost like a double whammy. loving selfish people.
i gain nothing, but lose everything.
in the right mind, i should be saying "no, i shall not persist in my ways."
but being who i am, i go deeper and deeper, to a point of no return.
i want out.
and i was too eager to watch it again, and could not wait. so i watched the one which i had on my computer. the show used to evoke a sense of longing in me. for a love that is pure and unadulterated, a love that will overcome all obstacles, a love that will bring two souls together in the most divine experience, that will leave both parties utterly breathless, a love that will never be able to bring forth words in description.
love.
but at the last viewing of it, somehow, i just did not feel that which i used to feel. the craving and yearning for that sense of emotion was not there. i used to cry watching it, because i could relate to it. or at least i thought i could. now, it all seems just too perfect and too impossible. i do not think that it is me that is jaded, but then again, i could be.
i used to be able to see all things in their beauty and appreciate fully the implications and value that they possess. but now, it is like i am blurred and clouded in my appreciation. i have been hardened by some things that have transpired in the past weeks, where my heart, slighted the number of times that it was, has grown rather cold. i tire of giving to others when others do not give back just as wholly. and i tire of that tired feeling. a problem persistent among many people is that they are selfish. but in their selfishness, they are protected from their emotions. but in my generosity of giving my heart to people, i expose myself, leaving me vulnerable to the words and actions of people. and my foolish ways lead me to people who are selfish. its almost like a double whammy. loving selfish people.
i gain nothing, but lose everything.
in the right mind, i should be saying "no, i shall not persist in my ways."
but being who i am, i go deeper and deeper, to a point of no return.
i want out.
revisited
well, it's been a few days now...and each time i get online (which is most of the time) i actually think of writing...but lethargy and a lack of mood always manage to stop me from logging on so that i can pen down my words of wisdom, or whatever anyone makes them out to be.
before this i actually kept a diary, in which i wrote pretty fervently due to my rather emotional nature then. but there was this point in time where i actually lost all taste for the writing. maybe its just because the things i wrote then, though close to heart, actually became pretty monotone. they revolved around the same thing - my emotional outbursts towards people. and it got so bad that i just lost the feel for it.
and that diary remains disused till today. and though i promised to make an effort to just pen in it, somehow it just does not happen.
but that does not mean that i appreciate the diary lesser than what it meant and for what it did for me. i still greatly respect the value and symbolism of the diary as a close companion to my younger days, and as a memory of my past, which nonetheless nonsensical, still shaped my being today.
as an afterthought, i just hope that i do not lose that sense of belonging or the passion for writing in here. i was very close to it...too close in fact. that was why i had to do a second take on my writing. i took inspiration from my other friends' blogs and well, here i am again.
tell me i need to get myself going again.
before this i actually kept a diary, in which i wrote pretty fervently due to my rather emotional nature then. but there was this point in time where i actually lost all taste for the writing. maybe its just because the things i wrote then, though close to heart, actually became pretty monotone. they revolved around the same thing - my emotional outbursts towards people. and it got so bad that i just lost the feel for it.
and that diary remains disused till today. and though i promised to make an effort to just pen in it, somehow it just does not happen.
but that does not mean that i appreciate the diary lesser than what it meant and for what it did for me. i still greatly respect the value and symbolism of the diary as a close companion to my younger days, and as a memory of my past, which nonetheless nonsensical, still shaped my being today.
as an afterthought, i just hope that i do not lose that sense of belonging or the passion for writing in here. i was very close to it...too close in fact. that was why i had to do a second take on my writing. i took inspiration from my other friends' blogs and well, here i am again.
tell me i need to get myself going again.
Thursday, February 05, 2004
money
i am dead broke. and my financial accounting yesterday just proved that.
currently, i have a deficit of $125.
there.
i suck at money.
currently, i have a deficit of $125.
there.
i suck at money.
Monday, February 02, 2004
temper...temper
its a funny thing how the smallest of things can just diss me...especially coming from that someone...and its even funnier how after all that, i just want to make up. but pride and ego can make things even worse than they already are. and all that happens is that i get more dissed than i already am.
but they say, opposites attract.
what is it in that someone that i see, that keeps us together? i really cannot say.
and what is it that keeps that someone who composed and unreactive, that i have no other thing to do, but come closer and apologise, however subtle?
i dont know.
i once made that someone turn away from me because of my temper. i once turned myself away because of my temper. i hurt myself with temper. that someone hurts because of my temper.
temper causes a lot of things. retrospection for example. i think about my friends and what i have done, especially when it comes to that someone. and my love grows deeper, due to unexplainable causes. and for that effect, i am thankful.
but still, temper is temper. and i need to temper myself. for the greater good.
but they say, opposites attract.
what is it in that someone that i see, that keeps us together? i really cannot say.
and what is it that keeps that someone who composed and unreactive, that i have no other thing to do, but come closer and apologise, however subtle?
i dont know.
i once made that someone turn away from me because of my temper. i once turned myself away because of my temper. i hurt myself with temper. that someone hurts because of my temper.
temper causes a lot of things. retrospection for example. i think about my friends and what i have done, especially when it comes to that someone. and my love grows deeper, due to unexplainable causes. and for that effect, i am thankful.
but still, temper is temper. and i need to temper myself. for the greater good.
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